Текст книги "The Distance Between"

Автор книги: Zillah De Rigaud

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 4 (всего у книги 11 страниц)

drinking, we would always end up together in my apartment, my hands on his dick as we woke up. Glenn

would now make some insinuating jokes about the situation which totally stressed my out because I was

afraid that all our friends and other people we knew would gossip about me. Every time some one in our

group of friends looked at me I thought: “Now they’re thinking about what a pervert I am. They know

that there’s nothing on my mind other than wanting to have sex with my brother.”

Over the year, I felt worse every time David slept over and we were ‘almost’ making out. The last time

he’d been there the atmosphere had been so tense that it was hard to breathe. David had been over to

watch some old Battlestar Galactica episodes and while we were watching he complained that his neck

hurt.

“I’ve been behind my desk all week,” he said.

“You’ve got an exam coming up?” I asked. He nodded.

“Do you want me to give you a shoulder rub?” I asked.

“That would be great,” he said while he tried to keep a straight face. I knew he wanted me to touch him.

I’d started massaging his shoulders, which were tense. I didn’t actually know what I was doing but it felt

nice to touch him like that. I was sitting on the couch and he was sitting on the floor in front of me.

“I’ll take my shirt off,” he said and after he did I could feel his hot smooth skin beneath my hands. He

had broad muscular shoulders and I was really kneading his back with my hands.

“I’m thinking about getting a tattoo,” he said. What do you think?”

“That would look good on you,” I said as I worked my way down to the small of his back.

“You’re really fucking good as this massaging thing,” he said. “Don’t stop.”

I was working his pliant skin, feeling the muscle ripple beneath the surface when he moved to lean even

closer to me. His skin was warm and he smelled like the aftershave Juliette had bought him for his

birthday mixed with male pheromones. It was hard not to think of how great it would be to feel that skin

against my own; impossible even. My jeans felt uncomfortably tight and the air in the room seemed hotter

than usual. I had trouble remembering how to breathe. After a while I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was

so horny that I had to stop.

“You should be going home if you have to study in the morning,” I said hoarsely.

“I’m not going home,” he said resolutely. “We can both sleep in your bed.”

“It’s not a good idea,” I tried. “It’s so tiny, we won’t get enough sleep.”

“I’m not that tired anyway,” he said.

There was an awkward silence as we got up and walked to my bedroom. I kicked off my shoes and

stripped of my jeans but kept on my T-shirt. He took off his shoes and jeans too and his T-shirt as well. I

got a good look at his muscular, hairless chest and the smooth skin of his belly. I didn’t want to look at his

boxer shorts because I was afraid that the sight of his dick filling out his short would really drive me

crazy. I dimmed the light. We both got in to my bed and I pulled up the blanket so that we were both

covered. The bed was so narrow that we were really crammed together and this time we were not drunk

like usual. He nestled himself against me.

“You see it’s not too tiny,” he said softly. “I’m really quite comfortable.”

“I’m sorry, I’m not,” I said.

“Bullshit, you’re comfortable enough too,” he snickered.

He started stroking my chest underneath my T-shirt. My heart was pounding in my chest just beneath his

hand.

“Can you turn around?” I asked. He did and he pressed his ass against my crotch. I was so hard I

couldn’t help but push myself against him. He let me dry-fuck him through his shorts for a while. We were

both breathing heavy. Then he reached behind himself and put his hand on my dick below the sweaty

blankets. I pushed against his hand. I was totally freaking out but I wanted to come in his hand so badly.

“Don’t,” I said, but when he didn’t stop I said nothing else. I didn’t really want him to stop anyway. He

moved his leg up and folded it across my legs. I could feel the hair on his leg brush against mine.

He slid his warm hand in my boxer shorts and enclosed it around my dick. The feel and the pressure of

his fingers was enough for me to come all over his hand and my boxer shorts, while I was trying not to

moan. I was trembling all over after I came. I didn’t dare to move. David removed his sticky hand from

my shorts and started beating himself off with my come on his fingers. He came within seconds too, crying

out in a muffled voice.

We didn’t sleep at all that night, but just laid there next to each other, both scared shitless.

The next morning we tried to act like nothing had happened. Everything was so stupid and pointless

because we both knew that we would eventually really have sex if we kept going down this road. Things

were spiraling out of control for me and the only thing I could think of was getting away from David as far

as possible. At this point my application to the Master in French law program was my savior.

PART 3 PARIS

12. Alone in Paris

We carefully avoided each other again for weeks. This time it wasn’t just me. David must have felt that

we had crossed a line too. But then he started dropping by again and the tension between us was so thick

you could cut it with a knife.

But I had applied for the dual Master program the year before and luckily for me a few months later I

was off to France. It felt like an escape and I was more than relieved that I had a good excuse to leave

New York for a long while.

I didn’t even go home before I left to say goodbye to my family, I told them that I was too busy with

planning everything and couldn’t fly back to Fresno. They were all very upset about this but they forgave

me eventually.

I didn’t say goodbye to David in person either. He knew that I was planning to go to France and he was

very unhappy about it. When the date of my departure was drawing near, he was sad and he would sit on

my couch looking melancholy. I didn’t tell him the exact day I was leaving because I didn’t want to see

him crying. When he called to see me before I left, I was already on the plane. I knew that he must have

felt like I ripped out his heart, because that’s how I felt, but I wanted to cut all ties with him before it was

too late.

I landed in Paris on my own, with only a large suitcase and a backpack to accompany me. I would stay

in France for a little over two years.

One of my dad’s acquaintances owned apartment that I could rent near the metro station “La

Motte-Picquet Grenelle” in the 15th arrondissement. It was located on the Left Bank of the river Seine in a

residential neighborhood. In the morning I just needed to walk five minutes to get to the metro and I would

read my French newspaper while I waited at the station. I loved the neighborhood although it had no

major sites to speak of. For experiencing actual living in Paris, with all its local cafes, groceries and

shops, this was the place to be.

My new home was a tiny one-room apartment but it had its own kitchen and a miniscule bathroom. I

found two neat second hand chairs and a large framed mirror at the big flea-market "Le marché aux puces

de Saint-Ouen", to brighten up the place. I dragged them all the way back home in the metro and hauled

them up the stairs since I didn’t have an elevator.

From the apartment you could easily walk to the Parc the Champs de Mars to hang out and see the Eiffel

tower. Most evenings I just walking the beautiful streets alone and ended up drinking wine in my room

while the rain pounded on my window.

I was very lonely that first time in Paris. I hadn’t met my friend Remi yet and I didn’t make friends with

the other French students so easily. I thought about David a lot although I tried to ban him from my mind.

He called me for more than an hour on my birthday and told me he missed me. I could hear tears in his

voice when he spoke to me on the phone but I didn’t want to comfort him. I said I was having a great time

and lied I would go out with new friends that evening. I told him that I didn’t miss home at all and that I’d

met some cute French guy who I fucked. None of this was true.

I wanted David to feel hurt, to feel betrayed so that he would resent me and we wouldn’t be tempted

around each other anymore. He kept sending me pictures and postcards all the time. I never replied any of

them but kept them stashed away in a box that I took with me when I moved back to the States.

When his birthday came, I pretended to forget again. I send him a text-message the next day. Again, I got

a furious call from Christine who didn’t care about the costs of long distance phone calls when she

wanted to yell at me.

My dad called me every week to ask how things at the Sorbonne were going. I lied and told him I loved

it. He still paid for my expensive apartment in the States, tuition and the apartment I was staying in now;

he deserved to think he was getting some value for his money.

He told me that David was doing ‘charity work’ now. He’d joined this organization who gave legal

advice to people without financial means and who couldn’t afford a ‘real’ lawyer. Dad laughed about it.

He loved his big court cases and clients with money who he played golf with sometimes. He looked down

upon David giving counsel to poor immigrants in a crappy building without air-conditioning. I was proud

of David for doing this, but I didn’t tell my dad.

There’s not a lot else to say about those first two years I spend in Paris. Sure I had some nice times too

and I made some friends eventually but mostly I just worked hard, harder than I ever had worked at

university back home. I stayed at the library until late on a regular basis. When I came most of the times I

was too tired to go out and just watched channel TV5 until I fell asleep. The bad thing about French

television is that they dub everything. Watching movies where the actors have their own voice is a

pleasure I never knew I would appreciate so much.

I didn’t fly back home during my time in France, not even for Christmas. My dad and Juliette came to

visit me twice during my stay in Paris; they brought the twins with them the second time. Juliette was

appalled by how thin I looked by the time she saw me again for the first time after a couple of months. I

never liked cooking and rarely ate regular meals, now that I was studying so much. She and dad took me

to some really nice restaurants so that I would gain a few pounds while they were there.

Christine came for a month during the first summer I was there and then a year later during the fall. I never

invited David although I knew he wanted to come…

During my own holidays I travelled Europe a bit. I went to Italy to see Rome and Florence and went to

Amsterdam in the Netherlands and Barcelona in Spain with a group of students from my year. All those

cities were beautiful in their own way and I regretted that David was not there to share them with me.

I also tried to see a little of France outside Paris, visiting Lyon and finally Bretagne up in the northwest

of France. Most of the time however, each day was a repetition of the day before. I don’t want to sound

too sad, but that’s what it felt like when I was there the first time.

My love life wasn’t blooming like you would expect in the city of love, although I did pick up a guy on

occasion.

The guys weren’t what I had dreamt about when watching those French movies back in New York and

listening to French chansons about love. When I’d thought about French guys back at home I’d imagined

some intense lovemaking and being swooned of my feet with romance and good wine. Instead, the first

Parisian guy I fucked was arrogant, told me that really couldn’t stand ‘Americans’ and stole my favorite

shirt when he left. I never let anyone stay over at my place so he must have been pissed that I kicked him

out in the middle of the night. The second guy I took home, a Belgian exchange student that I’d picked up,

was so shy that he didn’t even want to undress in front of me and only let me fuck him in the dark while he

kept his T-shirt and socks on.

By the end of the second year I was feeling home sick and I longed for stupid American TV shows

without French translations and barbeques with my family…

I came back to the States in early June to take the New York Bar. Once I’d passed the exam I was

admitted to the NY State Bar and I applied in France to take the equivalency exam. This flying back and

forth for the exams took me most of the summer but then finally I could return home.

PART 4 BACK HOME AGAIN

13. Summer at home

When I came home by mid August, David wasn’t there. Christine told me he had a new boyfriend and

he wouldn’t be home for another week. I was aflame with jealousy, but this was what I had wanted after

all when I hadn’t returned any of his postcards or phone calls. I had wanted him to stay away from me and

now he did. He’d been dating this new guy for six months and things were pretty serious between them.

He’d sent Christine photo’s of the new boyfriend and she showed them to me. Like the previous

boyfriend, this one was tall and blond too and it was like looking at a weird picture of myself. The new

guy’s name was Chris and he was handsome in a Ken doll way. In the pictures, he was perfectly dressed

and his white smile gleamed against his sun-kissed skin. I wondered what he saw in David who is messy

and always wore a pair of old black jeans.

“They’re in love,’ Christine gleamed. “It’s so cute.”

“Yeah real cute,” I said and sighed.

Christine was now dating as well. Some rich guy in his impressive car picked her up every night and I

was left with Dad, Juliette and the twins.

When David finally came home to spend the rest of the summer with our family he was really in love

and brimmed with happiness. He greeted me more coolly than he’d ever done and I knew it was payback

time for never answering one of his phone calls or postcards.

At least he’d been smart enough to make amends with the fact that it could never work between us and

allowed himself to fall in love with someone else.

David talked over dinner about the holiday he and his boyfriend had spent in Montreal. The new guy

was Canadian and he’d introduced David to his parents while they were there. Things between them

sounded serious. David showed Christine some more pictures of the two of them on our home computer.

Looking at them made me feel sick. It showed them at the Montreal Jazz festival, drinking beers, listening

to music and holding hands. On other pictures they were relaxing and drinking wine near the waterfront.

Chris had his muscular arm around David’s shoulder and kissed him on one of the pictures.

“You look so cute together,” Christine said and glanced over her shoulder to make sure I wouldn’t say

anything mean.

All the jealousy that was building up inside of me caused me to be really bitchy to David. He did

nothing to deserve my rants, but I couldn’t control myself.

“He sure looks a lot like your first boyfriend,” I told him slyly over dinner. David shot a furious look

at me.

“He does not,” Christine said to calm him down. “He’s way more handsome.”

“You never saw the other one,” I said to her with a poisonous smile.

“That was more than two years ago Michael, who cares? I’ve had a lot of other dates after Jack and

now I really like Chris,” David said and looked me straight in the eye.

“I didn’t know you had so many other dates,” I said casually.

“If you’d bothered to call me once in a while, you would have known.”

“And now you’re in love, that’s so sweet,” I said in a sarcastic voice.

“I guess actually liking someone besides yourself feels weird to you,” he told me. I knew he regretted

saying that as soon as the words came out of him mouth, but he couldn’t take them back now.

“I like a lot more people than you know,” I told him.

“You mean you screw a lot more people than I know, but that’s not what I meant,” David shot back.

“Not everybody is like you David. Not everybody settles for the next best thing,” I told him. Christine

looked puzzled but David looked more than furious but still he didn’t say anything and stared just at his

plate, trying to keep his anger under control.

Later Christine and I were bickering again about how I treated David.

“Can’t you be happy for him?”

“I’m trying,” I lied.

I couldn’t think rational, even if I wanted to. I couldn’t take it that he’d found someone else and was

happy, while I still wanted only him. Being away for two years hadn’t changed anything. All my feelings

were still there, raw like an open wound.

14. Payback time

By the end of the summer things got even worse when Chris, the new guy, joined us for the last weekend

at home. I wished I’d taken an earlier flight back to the East coast.

When Chris arrived, David was so excited to see him that he ran up to the front of the porch. When

Chris came in to introduce himself to Juliette and Christine he swept them away with his charm and looks.

He was really tall, taller even than my dad and me and his hair was white-blonde. He had a broad welldefined

jaw and greenish-blue eyes. He looked like his mother had fucked a Viking. His shoulders filled

out his polo shirt nicely and he had a muscular butt in his plain blue jeans. David isn’t small, but he was a

lot shorter than Chris and Chris’s big arms enveloped him when they hugged. In a flash I could imagine

Chris fucking him, covering him entirely with that big body. The thought made my shiver for a moment.

We had dinner in the yard and ate something fancy Juliette had made. Christine was asking Chris and

David how they’d met.

“We live in the same dorm,” Chris said. “David’s a friend of one of my buddies. He helped me fix my

computer when it was broken.” I snickered.

“So that’s your way of picking up guys David, fixing computers? You’re such a nerd.” Chris laughed.

“We’ll he’s a bit nerdy sometimes…” And then he turned around to kiss David, “But that makes him so

cute.”

David gleamed with joy. I could see him eyes were telling me to ‘go fuck myself’.

After dinner David helped to clear the table and I was stuck with Chris and my dad who were talking

about Chris’ studying for a Master in business at Columbia. My dad actually seemed to like talking to him.

He seemed more engaged in the conversation then he ever was when talking to David. When Christine,

Juliette and David joined us again we emptied another bottle of wine and then I rushed away from the

table to my room.

I just laid there in the dark for a while thinking about David and everything that could have been if we

hadn’t been brothers. Probably, if our parents hadn’t married we would never have met. We wouldn’t

have gone to the same high school. I wouldn’t even have looked at him at university. I would never have

known how great he smelled or that his voice was slightly husky in the morning or the little moaning

sounds he made in bed when I had my hands on his dick. I wouldn’t feel this bad if we hadn’t know each

other.

It was already late but I was unable to sleep and got up out of bed to get some fresh air outside. I was

such an idiot doing that, because I might have known David and Chris would still be outside too. It was

really not my intention to walk in on them making out, but that’s what happened.

They were sitting by the poolside, the lights around the pool casting weird shadows over them. Chris

was kissing David intensely. He had one arm around David’s back and was holding his head with the

other. David’s eyes were closed and his hands were on Chris’s back too, nails dug into his shirt. I heard

he was making his little moaning sounds. I was so jealous I could explode. “He should only be making

that sound for you,” a little voice in my head said. I had to run inside before I got the chance to rip Chris

away from him and punch him in the face.

The next morning it was hard to face them during breakfast. This time I was the one staring at my plate

and not saying anything.

15. Back in New York, back to old habits

I was relieved when the new university year started and David left. I went back to New York too for a

couple of more months. Even though I’d passed the bar exam there were still a couple of courses I wanted

to take.

The first weekend back in New York I saw Glenn. I had actually missed him a lot when I was in

France. I’d missed his nonchalance and his cruel but funny jokes and all the other little familiarities you

have with a good friend. He had a new haircut and had been working out, which made him even more

handsome. Glenn was happy to see me too and even gave me a ‘welcome back blow-job’ when we were

both drunk late at night. Sex was really no big deal for Glenn. It was a basic need like eating or sleeping

and when he was really horny he didn’t really care whom he did it with. I wished I could be more like

him and enjoy myself more. But I was constantly thinking too much when I met someone, being annoyed

easily or comparing a guy to David immediately.

I had been thinking a lot about working for my dad too over the last couple of months. I’d really missed

my family when I was in France, a lot more than they knew, and maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to be nearer

to them. I barely knew the twins by now and I never talked to Christine anymore. I decided that I would

leave NY before the next summer and try working for my dad. If I liked it I would stay, if not I would

leave and maybe even go back to France.

I told my dad about my thoughts honestly and he was actually excited because he believed that I would

love working with him. Sure he knew my reservations by now but he thought it had to do with me being

young and stubborn. He was certain we’d make a great team. Well, in the end he was actually right about

that.

A couple of months later Glenn’s birthday came up and we decided to go out together. This time we

went to a gay club, something that we rarely did when we went out because a couple of our best friends

were straight and liked more mainstream clubs. For his birthday Glenn had picked out some obscure club

in Chelsea that look pretty seedy when we got there.

Glenn looked especially hot that evening, wearing a black shirt that fitted him like a glove and tight

jeans. Although there was a line in front of the door we got in easily. Glenn made quite an impression on

the guy by the door, who was bulky and in his late thirties.

When we came in, the sound was deafening at first. A skinny guy wearing nothing but a black jockstrap

and chains was dancing on a little stage in front. The club was quite small and from the entrance, which

was higher up, you could see the entire dance floor. The smell of sweat, aftershave and beer was

intoxicating and the soles of my shoes stuck to the floor when we walked down the stairs to the dance

floor. The audience was a little older than what we were used too, most people were over thirty, and right

in front of us two heavy muscular guys were making out. Leathermen and other masculine subsets were

cruising and dancing to the heavy beat.

After ordering a drink at the bar we walked to the dance floor and started dancing too. Some guys were

already eyeing Glenn and he loved it. The music was some loud European house beat, which I hated, but I

could feel the beat go through my entire body and it was hard not to dance. Just as I was starting to feel

relaxed because I knew I would never find David in a place like this, I thought I saw Chris.

From the corner of my eye I saw a big blond god-like guy making out with a darker dude. They were

really getting it on and both didn’t see me gleaming at them to get a closer look. The blond guy was

sticking his tongue deep into the other guy’s throat and his hands were below the other guy’s shirt. Just

when I thought I could get a good look at their faces some people started dancing in front of me and all I

could see was their backs as they headed away from the dance floor.

I could see the two guys talking the side entrance outside. Glenn looked at me and shouted over the

music,

“What’s wrong?” You look like you’re not having a good time.”

“I just think I saw someone,” I said.

“Not your brother again?” Glenn laughed. “You always seem to have such a good time with him.” He

looked at me intensely and I was afraid of what he was thinking. Probably by now he though I fucked

David after each of our mutual club nights.

“No not him,” I said brusquely. Glenn handed me another beer. Then fifteen minutes later the blond and

dark-haired guy walked back inside. The dark hair-one looked like he’d just had sex, the satisfied look on

his face gave him away. I looked the blond one right in the face. Although I had seen Chris only a couple

of times up until now, there was no doubt in my mind that it was him. I’d seen him a month ago for the last

time when I walked into him and David when I was on my way to Glenn.

“Shit,” I said.

“What’s the matter?” Glenn asked.

“I think my brothers boyfriend is here too and he just went down on another guy.” Glenn raised an

eyebrow.

“And your brother isn’t here?”

“No,” I said. “That bastard just cheated on him.” Chris had started kissing the other guy fiercely again.

Glenn peered at the dance floor to get a closer look and at that point Chris looked up and saw us

standing near the bar. I could see by the look on his face that he’d recognized me immediately and that he

was quite startled to see me.

He rushed over to us to talk me out of telling David that I saw him making out with another guy. He

looked sweaty and nervous when he was standing in front of me.

“Hey,” he said trying to sound casually. “I didn’t know you were here too.”

“I guess you didn’t,” I said sarcastically. “Where’s my brother?” I asked him smiling. “Does he know

you’re here?”

“I’m hanging out with friends,” he said.

“I guess you’re doing more than just hang out,” I snarled. “You do this more often? Hang out and fuck

other people behind my brother’s back?” My voice was raised now and Glenn put his hand on my arm. I

knew he was afraid that I would punch Chris in the face. I knew that Glenn would back me up if I got into

a fight with Chris, but I tried to control myself. I didn’t want to make a big scene in front of other people.

“I’m not fucking behind David’s back,” Chris said.

“What would you call this?” I asked and pointed at the dark-haired guy who was staring at us from a

safe distance.

“I don’t even know that guy,” he said. “I just met him.”

“So you fuck strangers a lot?”

“It’s not like that,” he said.

“Then what’s it like? Please enlighten me,” I said. “Because David is not going to like the way I

explain things to him now.”

“Don’t,” he said and he looked worried. “It was just a blow-job, nothing more.” He looked almost

begging now. “I don’t want to hurt him.”

“Fuck you,” I said. “Have you done this before?” He shook his head but his eyes looked guilty like they

were screaming “Yes, I fuck other guys all the time!”

“He has,” Glenn said with a cynical smile. He looked at me. “You should tell your brother.”

“Shut up,” Chris yelled to Glenn. “This doesn’t concern you.” Now he looked like he wanted to smack

Glenn but he didn’t. Glenn was looking brooding and dangerous.

“I love Michael and Michael loves his brother,” he said. “So yeah, it does concern me.”

“Fuck both of you then,” Chris yelled. People were starting to stare at us now. “It was just a blow-job,

it didn’t mean anything.”

“It will mean something to David, you douche bag!” I yelled back at him. “You think he’s going to like

you fucking around behind his back?” I whipped out my phone. “Let’s call him now and see how he feels

about this!” I yelled.

“Shut the fuck up,” Chris yelled and tried to grab the phone from me. And then, when I started dialing

and put the receiver next to my ear, he took a swing at me and punched me hard in the face. I could see

stars for a moment, blood was trickling down my chin. I never knew how much it could hurt getting hit

like that. Meanwhile, I felt triumphant too because he would never get away with hitting me in the face

with David. Glenn was clutching my arm so that I was still standing up and he was yelling at Chris to fuck

off. The big bulky bouncer was now storming in and dragged Chris away from us. I just had to laugh. This

was also ridiculous, it felt like we’d ended up in a bad movie. Glenn was getting me a really cold beer

that I could keep pressed against the left side of my face which was already starting to swell.

“Jeez what a jerk, he said.

“Are you okay? Nothing broken?”

“I think I’m fine,” I said and I knew that I was okay because now David would be mine again.

The next morning back at home, I took a picture of my black eye with my camera phone and send it to

David. The message just read: “Ask your bf.”

David called me a minute later and I told him Chris and I had been in a fight and that he should come over

to my place. He was there within thirty minutes. When I opened the door he looked shocked at my bruised

face. To be honest, it did look pretty bad. Chris really knew how to punch a guy. I let David into the living

room.

“What happened?” he asked and I could see his hands were trembling a bit. He knew that it would be

bad.

“Did you see Chris after last night?”

“No,” he said. “He went to see some friends yesterday and he didn’t come to my place afterwards.”

“He wasn’t seeing friends,” I said. “He was out scoring some guy in a club. Glenn and I caught him

with his dick hanging out.”

David’s eyes started to water. He knew I wasn’t lying.

“When I confronted him and said I would call you he punched me right in the face,” I said. David got

closer and slightly brushed his hand against my swollen face. It hurt and I flinched.

“I’m so sorry,” he said and looked heartbreaking sad.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about,” I said and hugged him.

“I’m sorry that I had to tell you he’s no good.” For a moment I meant it. David clutched his hands

behind my back, resting his head on my shoulder. I could feel him sob against me just once. I stroked his

hair.

“I’m not surprised he hit you,” he said muffled. “He was always fucking jealous of you anyway.”