Текст книги "The First Last Boy"

Автор книги: Sonya Weiss

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

Chapter Twenty-Five

TANA

By the weekend following Ryan taking my heart apart and then stomping on the pieces, Mom was able to return home. I was ecstatic to have her back. She was frail and she moved slowly and carefully but she was alive and she was home. The second I had her settled on the sofa with pillows and an ottoman for her feet, she dropped a bomb on me. “Your college tuition is paid for your first year. I expect you to leave at the end of August like we’d planned.”

“Mom! That’s two weeks from now. You just came home. I can’t leave. You need me. Mark needs me.”

“Oh honey, we’ll both always need you, but only because you’re a part of our family. Not because you have to fix things or save us. Leena is coming by tomorrow to take you shopping for some of the things you’ll need for your dorm.”

“But...Mom...” I started crying.

“Tana, honey. It would break my heart if you stayed.”

“If I go...and something happens...how could I live with myself for not being here?”

“You couldn’t prevent what happened even by being here.” She shifted and then settled back. “We will not live our lives waiting for what-if to happen.”

The doorbell rang and I wiped my eyes and went to answer. Mama Leena, Destiny, and several of Mom’s coworkers filed into the house bearing containers of food, flowers, balloons and gift bags. Following the group into the kitchen, I squeezed beside Mama Leena and casually asked her how Ryan was.

She tensed, then lowered her head and shook it. “That boy is in a world of hurting right now but I can’t reach him. He’s gone.”

“Gone?”

“He moved out. I don’t know where he’s staying.”

“Why would he move out?”

“Because I told him he couldn’t be in the gang and stay at my house.”

“He’s in the gang?”

Mama Leena looked at her watch. “He will be. Abraham said the jumping in is this afternoon.”

I tugged at her arm. “I’m angry with him for keeping what he knew about Mom’s shooting from me and how he talked to me the last time I saw him but that doesn’t mean I don’t care what happens to him. We have to stop it. We have to save him.”

She covered my hand with hers and refused to move. “No, Tana. You cannot force someone to make good choices. They have to realize it and want it on their own. Ryan has to find the strength to save himself.”

“I have to—”

“Let him go. That’s what you have to do and it’s the only thing you can do. When I first met Ryan, he was a mess of hurt and anger. I’ve seen him change and grow. Underneath all that swagger and mouth of his, I believe there’s a good man. But he’s got to choose to be that man. You understand?”

“I love him. I can’t let him...”

“He didn’t choose you, Tana.”

I gasped at the pain her words caused. Her eyes filled with sympathy and she hugged me. “I’m sorry, honey. I know that’s difficult to hear. But you go on about your life and maybe things will work out. The worst thing in the world you can do is stick around waiting for him to make a U-turn he might never make.”

“Hey!” Shelby walked into the kitchen carrying a cake and slid it onto the counter. “I’m coming with you and Leena tomorrow. I’m so excited to be your roommate! Think of all the parties and the boys.”

I darted my eyes at Mama Leena. Shelby’s smile faded. “Study parties and the boys will be study partners.”

Mama Leena rolled her eyes. “Don’t act like I was born last night. I’ll pick you tomorrow at 8 sharp.” She gave a long look at Shelby and then left.

“Sorry about that.” Shelby was practically bouncing. “Remember Isaiah? That cute senior who asked you out a few times?”

“Uh huh,” I said absently while tearing the plastic from a stack of paper plates.

“He’s going to be one of our neighbors. Co-ed dorms. That boy is built like a fantasy. Did we luck up or what?”

“I thought Patriot Hall was girls only.”

“They changed it this year, lucky us.” She snagged my hand and did a shimmy dance around the room. “It’s time to have fun and let loose.”

“Sure.”

She dropped my hand. “I know about Ryan and it sucks, but you have to start living again.”

“I’m trying, but I love him.” I poured us both some Coke and then added ice. “I keep going over it in my head and it doesn’t make sense. Why wouldn’t he have told me what he knew? He hid it for some reason. Ryan’s always been steady. As good as his word. He doesn’t talk to me the way that he did.”

“Maybe he was steady and all that because you hadn’t slept with him and then after sex, everything changed and he didn’t have to try so hard to be nice.”

Ouch. That hurt. “I don’t believe that. I wish I could talk to him, but Mama Leena doesn’t know where he’s at.”

Shelby glanced away with a guilty tinge covering her cheeks.

“Do you know?”

“Brooklyn said he’s been sleeping in the office at the garage.”

I knew what I needed to do. “Thanks. Maybe I’ll go see him. At least tell him that I’m leaving.”

“Don’t get mad at me for saying this, but are you sure he’ll even care?”

I lowered my head, letting my hair swing forward to cover the sides of my face. I wasn’t sure if he cared or not. But it wasn’t about him. I needed closure. I needed more than the ugly things he’d said to me. I needed to know the truth and I needed to walk away from him on my terms if this was really the end of our friendship and anything else that might have been.

*

RYAN

The afternoon was hot and muggy. I’d shown up for the jump in before I was supposed to. I wanted to get it over with. Sign my soul back over. Not that it mattered to me anymore. What the hell else did I have to lose that I hadn’t already lost?

There were six of us behind a shuttered fast food joint. Chanos, me, and four of the other gang members. All of them decked out in our colors. I knew the drill. The four would hit me over and over again until Chanos said it was enough. If I survived, I was in.

A couple of the guys were wary, expecting me to hit back, but I wouldn’t. This beating meant something different to me than it did to them. I saw it as punishment that didn’t even scratch the surface for paying penance for my crime of allowing my past to taint Tana’s life. I wholly deserved this and more for what had happened to Tana’s mom, for making Tana cry. For breaking her heart.

I’d cut everyone out of my life and had walked around in a numb daze. Not even running the roads until I was too tired to drive another mile had helped. The beating would be a relief. At least then I would feel something and know I was still alive. As soon as I healed from it, I planned to quit the garage so I wouldn’t put Abraham in any danger. Then my life would be like it had been before. Me trying to survive.

“You ready?” Chanos asked with a wide grin. His eyes were bright, eager. He enjoyed the violence.

I nodded and locked my arms by my sides. I deserved every one of the blows. I deserved this life. I had nothing to offer anyone except pain and heartbreak. There was no good within me. Each punch radiated through me as the coppery sent of blood filled my nose. Ragged pain stabbed me in the side, forcing me to exhale sharply. The blows struck me repeatedly until there wasn’t a spot on my body that didn’t ache. I don’t know how long it lasted. It was only when I fell to the ground, slamming my face onto the pavement, the grit digging into my cheekbone, that I realized it was over. I caught one last glimpse of the sun before I couldn’t see anything else. I closed my eyes.

I woke up hours later chilled and alone. I don’t know how many hours had passed until I regained consciousness. I was lying on the floor of Abraham’s office and all the lights were off. Blinking, I tried to see, tried to focus, but it wasn’t easy. One of my eyes was swollen shut and the other felt like someone had taken a hammer to the eye socket.

Reaching up to touch it, pain shot through my side when I moved my arm. It hurt to take a deep breath so I stopped. I vaguely heard someone pounding on the bay doors and calling my name, but when I tried to stand up, I fell and banged the side of my face on the desk. I passed out again.

I woke to more pain jostling me about. Someone had me by the hands and someone else had me by the feet and they carried me from the garage. Juvante. Roman. Ryker. Cooper. They all stared down at me, faces masks of anger. They put me into the back of a car with Clarke and I tried to protest. I’d told them all to stay away from me. From this. “Go home.” I forced the words through my busted lips.

“Shut up before I black your other eye,” Juvante said. He drove old-lady-careful through the streets. “We’re your brothers. You can’t get rid of us.” He raised his eyes to the rearview mirror. “All of us are your family and where the fuck do you get off acting like you’re some goddamn superhero?”

He stopped the car outside of a motel. “Roman, get your ass out and check in. Clarke, rub two brain cells together to get some friction going and tell Ryan what you heard.”

“Chanos is already lining up for the chop shop.”

“That’s not all.” Ryker punched the car door. “Chanos is going to have you packing and jacking as soon as you heal.”

“He’ll use you as muscle.” Cooper added.

This wasn’t news to me. “I know.” I’d known that Chanos would want me to go back to jacking cars. What he didn’t know is that when push came to shove, I had no intention of doing it. I didn’t mind being his muscle and threatening lowlife shits who needed a lesson, but I wasn’t going to steal from or hurt innocent people.

Roman returned with a key and they all helped me into a room. I sank into the bed, thankful to be off the hard garage floor. Juvante took a seat at the small table and leaned forward. “I should have tried to stop you. Now look at you. Going off all Rambo and getting your ass kicked like a schoolgirl.”

I laughed and groaned. “Shit that hurts. Don’t make me laugh.” I licked my lower lip. “Worst part is over.”

Clarke bounced beside me on the bed and I groaned again as the movement jarred my ribs.

“Dumbass, sit on the other bed,” Roman ordered. After Clarke moved, Roman said, “We’ve all talked it over.”

“This isn’t your fight alone,” Ryker said.

“It’s all of us or none of us.”

“You’re not involved. None of you.” I waved my hand. “I took care of it and I’ll take care of Chanos. Everything’s fine.”

“How is everything fine? You broke Mama Leena’s heart, your girl hates you, you’re back in a gang and you got your ass kicked.” Ryker said.

“It’s part of the plan.” I tried to sound tough but it was hard to talk plainly through the busted lips.

“Screw your plan,” Juvante said.

“What are you going to do?” I squinted at Cooper.

It was Ryker who answered. “We’re the neighborhood unwelcome wagon. And we’re going to make that clear to Chanos. He takes you on, he takes us all on.”

I struggled to sit. My head swam and pain stabbed through my side. I fell back onto the bed, bringing my knees up to try and alleviate the pain. “Stay the hell away from Chanos and out of my business. You’ll mess everything up. I have to keep everyone safe.”

Juvante stood. “You don’t keep everyone safe by inviting the devil to live with you. After all this time with Mama Leena, you should have learned that by now.” He stared at the others, then jerked his head toward the door. “Let’s go.”

“Get your beauty sleep, sweetheart,” Ryker said as they filed out.

They left me alone in the hotel room. Fuck! I fumbled for my cell phone and scrolled through the contacts until I reached Zane and told him what was going down.

“Shit. I’d told them I’d be over. Pricks left without me.”

I ended the call and holding my arm against my side, made the slow trek over to the mirror. My reflection wasn’t pretty. I looked as bad on the outside as I hurt on the inside. But worse than that, I had the sinking feeling that despite trying to prevent it, my world was about to blow up and take everyone I loved with it.

Chapter Twenty-Six

TANA

Six o’clock and the house was still packed with people. I’d escaped into the backyard where I swung back and forth on one of the swings on Mark’s playset. I couldn’t believe that I was leaving. Though I was excited at the idea of starting college, starting anew, it felt like something important was ending.

The back door opened and Brooklyn walked over to me. “Hey, I was supposed to meet up with Cooper tonight.”

I grinned at that. “Cooper’s good looking and he seems nice.”

“He is, but he canceled on me because he had to go help Ryan and I thought you’d want to know.”

I put my foot out to stop the swing. I hated that my heart sped up at the mention of his name. I’d gone to find him at the garage but there’d been no answer and he wouldn’t respond to my calls or my texts. I should hate him for the way he’d acted with me but I could no more hate Ryan than I could jump off a roof and fly. “Why does Ryan need help?”

“He was beaten pretty badly from getting jumped back in. Juvante and his brothers are going to confront Chanos. Ryan called Zane because he’s going after them. I don’t like the sound of all this.”

“Do you know where Ryan is?”

“Zane said he was at a hotel but—”

“Take me there. Please.”

Muttering that this was a bad idea, Brooklyn and I headed to her car. She couldn’t drive fast enough for me, but thankfully she was fast enough to reach the hotel while Zane’s car was still in the parking lot. I beat my fist on the room door and when Zane opened it, I pushed past him.

I stopped after I walked in and blinked, my heart dropping to my feet. Ryan looked like hell. Seeing him that way made me feel physically ill for the hurt he must have felt. He was on the edge of the bed with his shirt off. He looked worn out. A five o’clock shadow covered his jawline. Dark bruises littered his body. His lip was swollen and split. I’d interrupted Zane in the act of taping up Ryan’s ribs. When he saw me, his eyes blazed with welcome and a fire of want before he doused it. He stared at me with a blank expression.

“You can’t do this Ryan, please.”

“Still not my girlfriend, Tana.” He groaned when Zane pulled on the tape.

“No, but I am your friend.” I knelt to help Zane with the wrapping. My hands shook as I touched the heat from Ryan’s body. My lower lip trembled and I fought to keep from giving in to the tears. “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“It won’t.”

“You don’t know that. Your brothers and you could all die if you confront Chanos,” Brooklyn said quietly as she swung her gaze from Zane to Ryan, her expression saying she clearly thought they were all idiots.

“Please don’t go.” I touched my hand to Ryan’s face. “I love you and I want you to walk away from this.”

With Zane’s help, Ryan stood. His eyes were flat and hard. “How many ways do I have to show you? What are the right words that I need to say to you so that you’ll believe me? I don’t love you, Tana. And this,” He tapped his Southtown Brothers tattoo, “is who I am. It’s where my loyalty lies. So take Brooklyn and leave. You’re in the way.”

“Ryan, please. I’m about to leave for college. I won’t see you again. I don’t want to part like this. I deserve closure.”

“You want closure? Fine. Leave for college and don’t look back because if you’re looking back for me, you’re wasting your time. Trust me when I say there’s nothing here for you.”

“I don’t believe you. I think that you love me but for some reason you won’t say it.” I put my hand on the width of his chest. I didn’t care that Brooklyn and Zane were witnesses. “We’re good together.”

“You are just a fuck. Now go.”

Humiliation burned on my face. He wasn’t pretending. Wasn’t playing. Ryan really didn’t love me. I’d thought...I pulled myself together, gathering my pride and my heartache. “I’m sorry. I thought you were someone I knew. Goodbye, Ryan.”

I made it to Brooklyn’s car and fastened the seatbelt before the sobs tore through me. I doubled over, holding my stomach. How would I survive having loved and lost Ryan? I knew that I would go on, that eventually I’d think about him without feeling as if I was being crushed from the inside out but right now, at this moment all I could do was hurt.

I went with Brooklyn to her house because I didn’t want my mom to see me upset. Though she was doing well, she was still drained and I didn’t want to add to her burden by worrying about me.

At Brooklyn’s house, she took a couple of bottles of beer from the kitchen, then we went into her room and locked the door. She popped the cap. “Fuck boys. Who needs them?”

I took a long drink. “You’re right. Who needs them?” I cried harder, then shook my head. “I hurt so much.”

She got up from the desk chair and sat cross-legged on the bed beside me. “I know that it doesn’t feel okay right now, but it will. You might not be okay today or tomorrow, or even for a while to come. But you will get over him.”

“I don’t know.” I plucked at the blanket covering her bed. “Ryan’s my first love.”

“The hurt won’t last forever.” She drained her beer and stuck the bottle beneath her bed where it fell over and rolled and clinked against glass.

I leaned over the edge of her bed at the noise. There were dozens of beer bottles under there and a few vodka ones. I gave her a questioning look.

“Sometimes I can’t sleep.” She stretched out on the bed. “But I don’t want to talk about me. This is about you. You’ll go off to college and you’ll immerse yourself in classes and studying. After a while, Ryan will be a memory that doesn’t sting anymore.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I’ve been there. Hang on.” She sat up, left the room and returned with another beer. When she sat back down, she said, “When I was fifteen, I met my Ryan. First guy I ever loved, first guy I ever had sex with.”

“What happened to him?”

“He became a memory. I think about him from time to time but it doesn’t make my heart ache the way that it used to.” She held her beer next to mine. “So bottoms up.”

I knocked the bottle against hers. “You’re right.” I heard myself say it but my heart wasn’t buying it.

“You can call me any time when you’re still in the not yet before the memory quits hurting, okay?”

I reached out and hugged her. “I wish you were going to college with me.”

“I know, but the timing isn’t right.” She took another sip and tilted her head, her earrings flashing. “And you know what a believer I am in timing.”

“I know.” I laughed even though I really didn’t feel like it. “Do me a favor after I’m gone?”

“Anything.”

“I don’t want to hear a thing about Ryan. Good news, bad news. Nothing. Don’t pass any messages to me. I’ll get my number changed and I’ll tell Mom not to give it to him. The only way that I can move on is to not hear about him, not talk to him. Because if I hear the sound of his voice, it’ll be my undoing.”

“You won’t get anything out of me about him. It’ll be like he never existed,” Brooklyn agreed.

That wasn’t true. I would always know that Ryan existed. I carried the memory of his touch, the image of his face and he had my heart. I would always be a part of him and he would always be a part of me. But hopefully Brooklyn was right. Maybe one day it wouldn’t hurt so much.

*

RYAN

“Brooklyn’s right. We could die today. So if you want to drop me off and go, I understand,” I said as Zane drove toward the pool hall where Chanos hung out and where we suspected everyone was headed.

Zane’s jaw clenched but he ignored what I’d said and eased the car to a stop at a red light. “You were pretty harsh with Tana. I know why you're pushing her away, but you were an asshole.”

“Yeah. I was. I did what had to be done. I need her to be safe and that’s only going to happen if she stays away from me.”

“It’d be hard to walk away from a girl like that.”

“I don’t know that I walked away as much as I crawled.” I swallowed. “I feel like someone ripped my nuts out through my heart.”

“That’s what loving a girl does to you, man.” Zane swung the car into the parking lot of the pool hall. I didn’t see Juvante’s car anywhere. Zane let the car move forward until we circled around back out of view of the road. “Try not to hurt anyone by passing out on them, will you?”

“I can handle this,” I said.

“With one good eye right now, you can only see half a person coming at you.”

“Then I’ll hit that half.” I sucked in a breath as I pushed the car door open and got out. I had to put a hand on the roof of his car to steady myself, hating how weak I felt.

We walked in through the back door and gave it a few minutes for our eyes to adjust to the dimmer light. The air conditioning blasted us and was a welcome relief after the heat. Chanos laughed in the corner of the room and the sound grated on me, growing louder as Zane and I advanced toward the pool tables.

The light flooded the room again as the door opened and Ryker, Cooper and Juvante joined us. “Got Roman and Clarke outside on the lookout,” Juvante said.

We moved forward together and the laughter died down. Chanos straightened from the table where he’d been about to take a shot. He gripped the pool stick and his gaze went instantly wary, then darkened when he saw Cooper. There was plenty of bad blood between him and my brother. He swung his dark gaze my way. “Who told you it was okay for dogs to come into my house?”

“Your girlfriend told me I could come anywhere I wanted,” Cooper taunted.

Chanos curled his lip and let loose a string of venomous words in his language.

The muscle around the pool table shifted, edging toward us.

I tensed, ready to fight even though every cell in my body was calling out for me to sink to my knees and fade into oblivion.

“What’s the meaning of this?” Chanos demanded, with another cold stare my way. “Have you been away so long you’ve forgotten that you don’t bring others in unless I tell you it’s okay?”

I stared at Chanos, knowing what I had to do. “One of us is leaving in a body bag.”

He tossed aside the pool stick and it landed against the balls, scattering them across the table. “Say goodbye to your brothers, then.”

The back door flung open and Clarke rushed in, his arm extended. The gun I’d buried waved nervously in the air. His eyes were wide and reddened and it was easy to tell he was hopped up on something.

“I didn’t know he had it. I tried to stop him.” Roman reached for Clarke but Clarke stepped to the side and waved the gun around.

Roman jumped to the side, away from the barrel. “Whoa! Shit. Put that down.”

“Clarke, let me have that.” I edged toward him.

Clarke kept his focus on Chanos. “My brothers shouldn’t have to pay for what I did. Especially Ryan.” Tears tracked down Clarke’s face. “He looked out for me when no one else would. He’s a good person. I’m the one who messed up. I took your drugs and I started this war.” He sniffed. “I should pay for this. Not him. Not them.”

“Then put your gun down and let’s do this man to man,” Chanos said wiggling his fingers toward the gun. He took a step closer to Clarke.

“Stay the fuck away from him.” I moved between them and shoved Chanos back. The movement hurt my shoulder and I bit back a groan. Turning to face Clarke, I held out my hand. “Come on, man. Give me the gun.”

“I’ll make you beg to die.” Chanos took another step forward in an effort to grab Clarke.

“Stay the fuck back,” Ryker barked.

“Why? Clarke won’t shoot,” Chanos sneered. “He’s a coward. A pussy that couldn’t—”

Clarke pulled the trigger and the sound was deafening as the bullet zipped past my ear. Everything exploded into chaos as the pool hall descended into hell. The muscle with Chanos fired back and I screamed at my brothers to take cover. The air filled with the odor of gunpowder as glasses on the counter shattered and the fragments rained down as bullets plowed into them.

Clarke pulled the trigger until there were no more bullets left, then he began reloading. That’s when I saw one of the guys with Chanos stand up from behind the pool table and take aim at Clarke.

“No! Clarke, get down!” I flung my body into the air, but the beating I’d taken had slowed my reflexes. The first bullet caught me in the side. The second one in the leg. The floor was so far away. I hung suspended in the air, futilely trying to grab Clarke to make sure he was safe, and then I fell down forever.

The bullets peppered the air, some of them plowing into the floor right beside me. I tried to move, tried to crawl forward to make sure my brothers were okay but I couldn’t make my body work right. I wheezed as I struggled to draw in enough oxygen. The sticky wetness of what I hoped was only my blood covered my side and leaked onto my back.

“I got you, man.” Juvante covered me, his face screwed up like he was about to cry.

“Let’s get him out of here.” Cooper started dragging me toward the door and I saw one of the muscle take aim at Cooper’s head.

Ryker took him down with a pool stick shot to the balls and the bullet meant for Cooper ended up in the ceiling.

“You idiot. What the hell have you done?” Zane demanded, after staring at Clarke.

“We’ll sort it out later. Let’s get the hell out of here,” Cooper said.

Clarke leveled a zombie like stare at each one of us. “I’m not leaving. Go.”

The guy Ryker hit with the pool stick tried to rise and Clarke calmly popped a shot off near the guy’s head. He muttered and hit the floor to crawl under the table.

“What the fuck has gotten into you?” Roman demanded as sirens started in the distance.

Clarke walked over to a stool and sat down. “I’m manning up. Now go.”

Cooper looked at me and I shook my head. He sat on the floor with his back against the wall and pulled me in a half sitting position. Ryker knelt and pressed his shirt against the bullet wound in my side. Roman walked over and put his hand on Clarke’s shoulder.

Juvante plopped down in the middle of the floor. “Mama Leena is gonna fucking kill us all for this shit.”

Clarke looked at me. “I got a paycheck coming from the warehouse. Will you make sure Mama Leena gets it?”

“Yeah,” I managed to say as I drifted in and out.

***

When I came to, I was in a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV. The sky was dark outside the window. I turned my head to look around at the family filling the room. Mama Leena. Destiny. Roman and Juvante, Cooper and Ryker were there.

“Zane went to get some coffee,” Roman said when I raised an eyebrow. He looked awful. Like he’d aged years.

“No. What...” I tried to think back. “Clarke?” He wasn’t here. “Where’s...”

“Shh...” Mama put her hand on my brow. “Clarke is alive. You saved him. Foolish child.” She sighed and looked like she’d aged too.

I lifted my hand. It felt like it weighed a ton. I touched the back of her hand where it rested on the bed and she took my hand in both of hers. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I couldn’t stand the look on your face. I pushed you away because I had to. I was afraid that if I didn’t, now that I’m back in, you’d be a target for a rival gang.”

“I don’t know what you were thinking. You’re not Clint Eastwood and this isn’t the Wild West. You have a family. We go through life together.”

I managed to nod.

“Good. Now we’re going to go downstairs and get you some food. This hospital stuff is beyond nasty. You’re going to eat and then we’re having a family meeting.” Everyone filed out after her.

Juvante lagged behind. He hunched his shoulders. “When I saw you lying there with all that blood on you...” He blinked and I saw moisture in his eyes. “I thought you were dead. I ought to beat your ass right here for scaring the hell out of me.”

“Better think it over.”

“Why?”

“Because when I get better, I’ll come after you.”

He laughed. “I’ll be at boot camp by the time you’re able to stand up without falling over.”

“Where’s Clarke now?”

Juvante’s face tightened. “Locked up. The dumb shit is going down for killing Chanos. He’s already told the cops he did it on purpose. He’ll be lucky to see the free sky by the time he’s an old man.”

I turned my face toward the wall. Clarke had stepped up to try and give me an escape route. My brothers had put themselves in the line of fire not caring if they lived or died for me. Then I did something I hadn’t done since I was five years old. I cried. For my brothers. For the death of my mother. For the things I’d seen I should never have had to deal with. For the things I’d done that I shouldn’t have done. For the hearts that I’d broken. For the pain of missing Tana.

Juvante poked me in the leg and whispered in a choked voice, “Pussy.”

I looked at him and tears were tracking down his face. I tried to laugh, but it hurt. I held my hand up and Juvante clasped it. “Yeah, man. Love you, too.”