Текст книги "Toxic"

Автор книги: Rachel Van Dyken

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Текущая страница: 16 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

Chapter Forty-Nine

It was like the accident all over again. I felt powerless – until Saylor grabbed my hand and didn’t let go. I used her strength – I used all of it. And for once I didn’t feel guilty for needing someone else. She was my savior. —Gabe H.

Gabe

Saylor held my hand as we walked into the room. It was nearing midnight, so the room was blanketed in black.

The only sound was that of the machine breathing for Princess, and the noises from her chest that would follow.

The ventilator was attached via a tracheotomy so that she could still talk, but Princess had stopped talking two days ago.

Now, she just stared at the ceiling, as if waiting for someone to call her home.

“Princess?” I kept my voice quiet, kneeling in front of her bed. Grabbing her hand, I whispered, “Kimmy, sweetheart?”

Her head turned, just enough so I could see the whites of her eyes. With a smile she nodded. “Tired, Ashton.”

“I know, sweetie,” I croaked. “I know you are.”

“Coughing.” She sighed, her chest rattling. “Hate this.”

“I know.” Was that the only phrase I could speak? I squeezed her hand tighter even though I knew she couldn’t feel it.

Her body was so broken that she couldn’t even feel my reassurance as I held on for dear life. And now her spirit was following that same body into heaven.

“I love you,” my voice cracked as tears trickled down my face. “But sweetheart, sometimes, it’s okay to stop fighting.”

“So tired,” she repeated.

“A nap sounds good, doesn’t it?” I said hoarsely. “Wouldn’t that feel good, sweetheart? To take a nice, long nap?” My voice cracked as Saylor came up behind me, placing her hands on my shoulders.

“Yes…” Princess said slowly. “Ashton, will you sing me to sleep…” Her eyes welled with tears. “One more time?”

“Yeah,” I whispered through my tight throat “I can do that.”

“And Ashton?” she pleaded, her voice so weak I was sick to my stomach.

“What sweetheart?”

“Thanks for being my best friend.” Her voice was so weak, it was hard to discern what she was saying.

I nodded. I couldn’t talk. Whatever words were forming in my mind wouldn’t make sense. They’d come out as a pitiful sob.

Without letting go of her hand, I leaned in and started to sing, while Tara went and slowly started pulling the equipment from Kimmy’s throat and body.

“I love my Princess, my favorite girl. Every time I hear her laugh, I want to save the world – cause she’s my, my, my girl.” My voice cracked and wavered as my mind replayed images of our times together.

Our first movie, her laugh, her smile, the way she kissed me, the love she gave me. The gift of her life was more than I’d ever deserve.

I kept singing. “My girl, my girl, she’ll always be my girl, and when the tears fall from her eyes, I’ll swear to never let her cry… never alone, never without me, never without us together. My girl, her and I will rule forever. My girl. She’ll forever be my girl.”

Princess smiled and closed her eyes.

Her chest stopped moving.

I knew she was gone – and I knew in that moment that God had received another princess into his arms. It happened so swiftly so beautifully that had I not been watching her face, I would have never known that she’d slipped away.

A vision of Kimmy running through Heaven brought a sad smile to my face – she was gone. And she was finally whole.

Chapter Fifty

If I could take away his pain… If there was a way to transfer it from his soul onto mine. I would take it. Without hesitation I would take it all. Maybe that’s how you know you love someone. When you actually feel each tear they cry as if they were your own. When you feel each cut, each bruise, each hit as if you’re the one suffering. I bled for him. And in turn, he bled for her. Funny, how life comes full circle. —Saylor

Saylor

“She’s gone.” My mom said it softly, but it may as well have been a scream for as much as the announcement penetrated the room. “I’ll make the call to hospice.”

Slowly, Gabe released Kimmy’s hand and stood. “I need to call her family, make an announcement, get the funeral arrangements—” He staggered, nearly collapsing on the floor.

Without thought, I grabbed his hand and led him down the hall until we were in the music room.

I closed the doors.

I locked them.

And led Gabe to the piano seat.

“We’ll stay here…” I squeezed his hand. “…for as long as it takes.”

“What?” His eyes were glassy with tears.

“For as long as it takes for the sorrow and pain to transfer into acceptance. I’ll stay here. With you. By your side. I won’t leave.”

“Promise?”

“Vow.” I placed his hands gently on the piano. “I vow.”

“I can’t.” Gabe’s hand were lifeless against the keys.

With strength I didn’t even know I had within me, I put my hands over his and started playing. “Then let me play through you. Let me help you push through that pain until there’s nothing left.”

Gabe hung his head and let me help him.

Soon, his hands were gliding over the piano with such perfection, I was able to remove my own.

Tears collided with his hands. The drops caused his fingers to sometimes slip as he moved from one song to another.

Three hours we were in that room.

The only noise was the music Gabe played. Some sad songs, some happy ones, but in the end, sometimes words can’t express what’s in your soul. And talking to Gabe about what he just went through? Seemed silly compared to letting him bare it all to me with his music.

When the last note ended, Gabe stood.

I was sitting on the floor against the wall.

He walked over to me and dropped to his knees staring into my eyes for what felt like an eternity. Then he took my hands in his and pulled me to his chest. “I love you. If you remember nothing else for the rest of your life, if you fall and hit your head and can’t remember my name, if you get so sick you’re unrecognizable, if you hate me, if you’re on your deathbed and can’t manage to even lift a finger – remember this. I. Love. You. Always. Forever. Eternally. Is that kind of love something you can handle, Saylor?”

“I already am.” I choked back the tears. “I love you too.”

The room fell silent, only our ragged breathing kept me aware that time was passing. That it wasn’t a dream.

“Come on.” Gabe got up and held out his hand. “It’s a new day.”

I smiled and gripped his hand with mine. “It’s a new beginning.”

“That…” Gabe smiled and kissed my head. “It is.”

Chapter Fifty-One

Death and love are the only two things that exist in this world that are strong enough to alter the course of your life, of your destiny. They either propel you or paralyze you. In the end, the choice is always yours. —Wes M.

Gabe

The funeral was over with before I even realized it started. I got up to say a few words and almost cracked. Then Saylor smiled.

And I was able to finish the eulogy.

I sang her song.

It was bittersweet. When I’d written her that song it had been during a time in my life when things were still so innocent. When she was still Kimmy to me, when I thought I would spend the rest of my existence in her arms.

If there was anything I learned in this situation it was that we weren’t promised anything. All we had was moments strung together. Each one is over in a blink of an eye. I’d understood this to an extent when Wes went through his surgery. God, I’d been so bitter about that. So angry because it hit so close to home. Because I’d known I was doing a crappy job of pushing away my demons.

But now? Now I just wanted to do right.

And doing right started with Saylor.

“Hey,” Saylor walked up and gave me a hug. We walked hand in hand out of the church. Oddly enough reporters had respected my wishes and laid off a bit. There were still cameras but the buzz felt different, as if they were mourning right along with me.

“You wanna go somewhere with me?” I asked.

Saylor shrugged. “Are you sure you’re up for it?”

“Yeah.” I nodded, feeling the corners of my mouth turn up in a smile. “I really am.”

“‘Kay.” She squeezed my hand.

We said our goodbyes to Lisa, Wes, and Kiersten, and drove in silence down I5.

“Where are we going?” she asked.

“It’s a surprise.” I laughed. I actually laughed. Damn, it felt good. My hands were sweaty as I gripped the steering wheel and drove into downtown.

It was crowded for a Wednesday afternoon.

Saylor was silent as I parked as close to Pike Place Market as I could.

“Come on.” I laughed again and slammed the door. A smile formed at her lips as she grabbed my hand and giggled a bit.

My heart hammered in my chest as we ran down the streets. What started as brisk walking turned into a full out run. I had no idea why. It just felt – necessary.

Once we reached the bottom of the hill right in front of Pike’s Market. I held up my hand and went over to the spot.

“Fish.” I pointed to the sign. “Our first date was fish.”

Saylor burst out laughing. “So are you saying every date from here on out is going to involve fish?”

“Only the important ones.” I winked and went up to the guys working the seafood for the morning. “I need salmon, a big-assed salmon.”

The guy nodded. “Alright, you ready for it?”

“Oh…” I held up my hands. “I’m not catching it. She is.” I pointed to Saylor.

She gaped. “What if I drop dinner?” She held up her hands.

“Chill, Nemo’s not alive.” I winked. “Better get ready, Saylor, becauase they throw hard.”

The guys started counting. “One—”

“Ahhh!” Saylor clapped her hands and gave me a panicked look.

“Two!” I joined in.

“Oh, my gosh!”

“Three!” The man threw the fish.

Screaming, Saylor closed her eyes but still managed to catch the giant fish.

Cheers erupted from the crowd as Saylor lifted the fish in triumph. “I did it!”

“I knew you could.” I kissed her temple.

“Are we really eating all this fish?”

“Maybe not all of it.” I shrugged and offered a wink. “Unless you’ve suddenly developed the appetite of an NFL lineman.”

“Hey!” Saylor nudged me with her body. “You said you’d love me regardless…”

“Truth.” I nodded and pointed at her. “That’s the truth.”

“So the fish?” She lifted it in the air.

“Oh no, you can keep it.” I patted her head in teasing. “We’re going to cook it tonight, and I’m going to make good on my promise to strike out the very last tear.”

“How do you expect to do that?” Saylor’s shoulders lifted. “By feeding me?”

“You’ll see.” I rubbed my hands together. “Now, let me go pay for Nemo before we go back home.”

“Your car’s going to smell!” she called after me.

“So will your hands!” I fired back.

Her eyes narrowed.

By the time I paid for the fish and helped her carry it up the hill and place it in the car, my stomach was already growling for food.

“Hey, you do know how to cook salmon, right?” Saylor asked once we walked into the house that I was hoping, praying, she’d still want me after I said what I was going to say.

“What?” I dropped my keys onto the counter. “You mean, you can’t cook?” I threw my hands up in the air. “How can you even call yourself a woman? What have I gotten myself into! I’m going to starve!”

Saylor crossed her arms over her chest. “You done yet?”

“Make me food, woman.”

“So here’s the line.” Saylor made a motion with her hands. “You just jumped over it then burnt the village on the other side.”

“Aw…” I winked. “I can cook, but I am bit sad I won’t get to see you in some apron, sweating over the stove looking all hot and bothered.”

“Because cooking does that to women.” Saylor nodded. “We also have pillow fights in our thongs and look forward to doing laundry.”

Laughter bubbled out of me before I could stop it.

She hit me again.

“Stop hitting me.” I stepped away. “And be useful.”

“Useful?” she repeated, her eyes narrowing again.

“I’m cooking in my boxers.” I shrugged. “So I need you to get me an apron, just in case Nemo decides to come back to life and tries to nibble off Gabe Jr.”

Saylor closed her eyes, then opened them. “So many, many, things…” She opened five drawers before she found the apron. “…wrong with you.”

Keeping my eyes locked with hers and feeling no shame whatsoever, I peeled off my button up and stepped out of my pants.

Saylor’s mouth dropped open a bit.

“You were saying?”

“Stop flexing.”

“I’m not.”

“Damn it!” She stomped her foot.

“Apron?” I held out my hand, palm up and waited.

Saylor’s eyes ate me alive as she examined me from head to toe. “No.” She hid the apron behind her back. “I think you should take your chances with Nemo. Prove you’re a man and all that.”

“Wow.” I teased. “I didn’t know it was up for questioning.”

“What?” her head jerked up.

“My manhood.” I grinned. Saylor’s cheeks went bright red. “You know I could always cook naked.”

She swallowed… slowly. “Oh?”

“Keep your pants on.” I winked. “I kind of want to savor the moment when I’m with you for the first time, and I really don’t want you to be covered in fish.”

She exhaled a long breath as her eyes once again greedily took me in from head to toe.

“Now, honey… I could go for some honey dripped all over your body.” I stalked toward her. “Or maybe even some chocolate.” Leaning in, almost touching her, I nipped at her lower lip. “Right here.” I traced the line of her face and then moved my finger down her neck to her chest. “Or some whipped cream, right here.” I licked the hollow valley between her breasts and sighed happily.

“I forgot.” Her chest heaved.

“What?”

“How dangerous you are,” she breathed.

“And now?” My mouth sucked the skin just below her left ear. I moved up until my lips tugged at her ear. “Now what?”

“What?” She arched toward me. “I forgot the question.”

“Fish,” I whispered in her ear. “We have to cook the fish, and then – maybe – I’ll show you what I mean.” I stepped away from her body, feeling cold, wishing I could just press against her and stay there forever. But fish. I had fish to cook.

“Gabe—” She groaned. “Come back.”

“Nope. Gotta feed.” I stepped away farther and started getting busy with the food.

“Does it bother you?” She handed me the apron. I pulled it over my head and paused.

“Being shirtless? No.”

Saylor sighed and leaned against the counter top. “Not that. I still call you Gabe.”

I thought about it for a minute and answered. “Say, you met me as Gabe. All you know is Gabe. To you, I’m Gabe… so what if to the rest of the world I’m still Ashton? We’re the same person, and both Gabe and Ashton are in love with you.”

“That sounds like you have multiple personalities.” She teased, tugging the un-tied apron strings back so that I was plastered against her.

“I gotta admit, I kind like the idea that you’ll have a variety of names to choose from when I make you scream.”

Saylor’s face flamed red.

“Don’t worry.” I kissed her mouth. “We eat first.”

“And then?” Her voice wavered.

“And then…” I shrugged. “Forever. We have until forever.”

Chapter Fifty-Two

Healing doesn’t come right away – and even though I was still in pain, this time I embraced it, because the pain was a reminder that she had existed. The pain reminded me – she’d lived. Funny, how I used to think numbing my pain would make it go away. But the only way to fully rid yourself of the pain is to go against nature and embrace it. —Gabe H.

Gabe

My eyes roamed greedily over her lips. I couldn’t manage to pull my gaze away from her mouth as she took a sip of water and leaned back in her chair.

“Finished?” I stood and walked over to her side of the table.

“Yeah.” Saylor sighed. “No more fish.”

“So…” I held out my hand and pulled her to her feet then wrapped my arms around her. “About that last tear.”

Her eyebrows knit together in confusion. “I thought that the whole fish throwing thing and naked cooking got rid of that last tear. Besides, enough tears have been shed on both ends, Gabe.”

“True.” I pressed a kiss to her mouth and smiled against her lips. “But I want to be really sure.”

“Really sure?”

“Yup.” I laughed. “I don’t want to leave any room for doubt.”

“Doubt about what?”

“The way I feel about you. The way I feel about us. The way I feel about everything.” I sighed and released my hold on her hands, taking a step back so I could gather my thoughts better. “Today was Princess’s funeral. But Kimmy? She’s been gone for four years.” I shrugged. “Honestly, I thought I’d feel broken forever.”

Saylor didn’t move a muscle.

“But…” I paced in front of her. “I don’t. For some reason, in her death, I finally feel whole. Like everything’s come full circle. But there’s still something missing.”

“More fish?” Saylor offered.

“You’re getting warm.” I smirked and purposefully strode toward her.

“Water?”

“Even warmer.” I grinned, tilting her chin toward my face.

“More… boats?”

“With sails…” I sighed. “And people who man them…”

“You lost me.”

“Saylor.” I kissed her mouth. “I’m missing you. You’re the final piece to the puzzle, the star on the top of the Christmas tree.”

“I have always wanted to be a star.” She grinned.

“Be serious.”

“Call me a star again.”

“Say…” I groaned her name. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Saylor’s arms snaked around my neck as she pressed her lips against mine, once, twice, three times. And then pulled back.

“I know you’re young…” Damn, my throat was dry. Stupid nerves. “But, I want to start a life with you – I want to be with you. Forever.”

Saylor’s face lit up. “What exactly are you asking?”

“You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?”

She nodded.

I fell down on one knee.

And that’s when she started sobbing.

“I swear the harder I try to fix your tears, the more you cry. I’m going to be a nervous wreck around you for the rest of my life.”

She nodded again, wiping the tears from her eyes.

“Saylor.” I cleared my throat “I know you’re young. I know you need to finish school. I’m great with that, because I’m not going anywhere. I want to build my life here, with you. I want to have a beginning, a middle, and an end to our story. I want to create music with you. I want to take care of you. The last thing in this world that I deserve, is the gift of your love, the gift of your commitment to me. I realize that…” I shrugged, using the shrug as a way to actually process this huge moment.

Funny, my whole life had been based around Princess, but now that I had the freedom to have a future. All I saw was Saylor. Living wasn’t living without sharing that life with her.

“But I want you anyways, by my side. I want you to marry me.” My hands shook as I grabbed hers and squeezed. “Damn, I think I’m doing this wrong.” Nervous, I briefly broke eye contact and then looked up at her perfect face. “I love you. I love you more than life itself. I never want to say goodbye. And I don’t want to pretend ever again. Please, be my wife?” Please say yes, please say yes. Please don’t kick my ass…

Saylor nodded and then jerked me to my feet. Our mouths met when I was about halfway off the ground.

“I’m excited,” Saylor sobbed, “to start our story.”

“Sweetheart…” I kissed her soft mouth. “Our story started the first time I laid eyes on you and you fell on your ass.”

“Thanks for the reminder.”

“Stalker.”

“Turtle.”

“Maybe we’ll come up with better nicknames.” I kissed her harder across the mouth and pulled back.

“Later.” Saylor’s tongue pushed past my lips.

Groaning I lifted her into the air and assaulted her mouth, “Right. later.”

Epilogue

Gabe

6 months later

“Wife!” My yell echoed around the house. A smile formed on my lips when Saylor walked around the corner with her hands on her hips and glared.

“When I said new nicknames I meant something sexy.”

“Sorry.” I shrugged helplessly. “Wife…” I said it in a deep sultry voice and then started peeling off my clothes. First my shirt, second my jeans, third my boxers.

Saylor’s breath hissed out of her mouth as I stood in front of her naked. “You were saying? Wife?”

Saylor focused in on my abs, legs, arms – really every part of my body but my face.

I snapped my fingers. “Hey, up here. We’re about to have a serious talk.”

“Like that?” She pointed at me and squeaked.

“Yup.” I crossed my arms.

“Fine.” She pulled off her shirt.

“Wait.” I held up my hands. “What are you doing?”

“Two can play this game.” Her hands moved to her jeans.

We’d been married two days. Two actual days.

Rather than waiting, Saylor and I decided that, doing the whole long engagement thing? Not working so well, especially considering it felt like we were practically living together anyway.

Besides, if there was one thing we learned it was that we weren’t promised tomorrow, only today, so we got married.

“Say…” I groaned once her jeans fell to the floor.

She stepped out of them, clad in only her bra and underwear and then moved her hands.

“Wait!” I shouted my eyes fighting to figure out where to look first. “Our very serious discussion can’t happen if we’re both naked.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.” I moved toward her, slowly, “It’s against the rules.”

“And who put you in charge of the rules?”

“Sweetheart, I’m Ashton freaking Hyde.”

“Ah,” Saylor nodded, a knowing gleam flaring in her eyes. “Pulling the celebrity jackass card… classy.”

I tilted my head to the side and lifted my hands helplessly into the air. “If the shoe fits.”

“The shoe’s about to find its way to Gabe Jr. and we all know how fond you are of every part being in working order.”

Snorting, I rolled my eyes, “Please, I didn’t hear you complaining last night, or this morning.”

“Whore.”

“I’m your whore.” I pointed out. “So it’s totally legal.”

“What’s this discussion about?” She crossed her arms making her breasts pop up in her bra, distracting me considerably from my goal of winning the battle I’d started.

“Up here.” Saylor snapped her fingers in front of me. “You have three seconds.”

“Dishwasher.” I pulled her against me. Damn, her skin felt good. “You forgot to load it.”

“False.” She breathed, arching her body into mine. “That was your chore for the week, check the chart.”

“I made the chart.”

“Aw, Ashton freaking Hyde, are you pouting?”

“No.” Yes.

“The chart,” Saylor pointed out, “was only established for what reason?”

I glared.

“Sorry, I didn’t catch that.” Saylor cupped her ear.

Grumbling, I looked down and answered, “Because I have a bad habit of baking too many cookies, feeding them to you, and then not cleaning up my mess.”

“Right.” Saylor nodded. “So technically this discussion is a moot point.”

“Not really.” I smirked, reaching behind her back and snapping her bra off. “Pretty sure I just made it a real discussion again.”

“Oh yeah?” She put her hands on her hips, letting me openly gape. “How do you figure?”

“Now we can discuss how beautiful you are.” I kissed her hard on the mouth and retreated. “How damn sexy I find you.” I sucked her lower lip. “And how excited I am that one day I’ll have little princesses running around that look exactly like you.”

“Charmer.” Saylor breathed as my hands reached for the last shred of clothing that was separating our bodies from one another.

Laughing, I picked her up into my arms and carried her to the couch, careful to kiss her lips, plunder the depths of her mouth, and tease until she was ready to either scream at me or hit me.

I tossed her onto the couch.

“Gabe…!”

“Love you.” I hovered over her, kissing every inch of skin, savoring the feel of her warmth against my mouth.

“I need you,” she moaned.

My body was already on fire – being with her did that to me, made me want to seriously spend my days having sex and never doing anything else with my life. Ever. But when I brought up that topic to Saylor, she said the only people who made careers out of sex were prostitutes.

I, of course, pointed out that since we were married it didn’t matter.

She said if money changed hands, it did.

With a grin I kissed her neck and finally entered her with excruciating slowness. I would never tire of that feeling – of being one with the person I loved.

Saylor whimpered as I brought her body to the brink of release, only to slow down again.

Teasing her, even in intimate moments was my favorite thing in the world.

“Gabe!” Saylor yelled.

I chuckled. “Louder?”

“I—”

My mouth crushed hers as her body tensed and then went limp against mine.

Careful not to squash her, I managed to lie next to her.

“Tell me…” she whispered. “One true thing.”

“I love you.” I kissed her cheek. “And a lifetime of days like this? Won’t ever be enough.”

“I like that truth.”

“Yeah.” I wrapped my arm around her. “I do too. What about you? What’s your truth for the day?”

Saylor shifted toward me. “Someday, when we do have kids… and we bring a little princess into the world, I think we should name her Kimmy.”

I couldn’t find my voice. I could only nod as I felt my eyes well with tears. “I think– I think she would have liked that.”

“Yeah.” Saylor sighed. “Me too.”

The doorbell rang.

Panicked, I jolted up and nearly knocked Saylor off the couch.

“Who is it?” Saylor called in a totally calm voice while I was busy trying to locate articles of clothing. Why was I only finding my socks? How were socks going to cover this up?

I mean, seriously.

“Hurry up, guys, it’s freezing!” Lisa shouted.

“Shit!” I found my pants, only to fall on my ass, because my feet slid on my shirt. I looked at Saylor as the light bulb clicked on in her brain too.

“Taco Tuesday!” We shouted at the same time.

“Guys! Come on!” Lisa pounded the door again.

“Keep your pants on!” I yelled back.

Saylor sighed and quickly buttoned her jeans.

I wasn’t as fast.

I was like a turtle. Ha, that damn nickname wasn’t ever going away.

Finally, we opened the doors to see Wes, Kiersten, and Lisa waiting.

Wes took one look at me and burst out laughing. “Shirts on backwards, man. Welcome to matrimony.”

“Gross.” Lisa side-stepped me.

As everyone talked at once and piled into the house, I was left staring at the sunset, the same sunset that I’d seen at the end of every day. Last year it had reminded me of loss – and now? It reminded me of life.

“Hey, you coming?” Kiersten called.

“Yeah.” Smiling, I closed the door. “I am.”