Текст книги "Toxic"

Автор книги: Rachel Van Dyken

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

“Ha.” I exhaled and stared, a bit jealous that he had his own practice room – a happy room I could imagine myself sitting in for hours on end while the roaring fireplace crackled in the background.

It wasn’t until I took my eyes off the piano that I noticed what was on the walls. It was like watching a movie without sound. Black and white pictures went from left to right, all the way across the room.

Slowly, I walked up to the first one. Gabe and Kimmy were wrapped around each other kissing.

I touched her face – the same face he wiped the drool from every single day – and completely lost it.

The tears wouldn’t stop coming. I cried, and I cried, and then I cried some more. I cried until my body shook. I cried until I had nothing left.

And Gabe held me.

The thing about people revealing their pain to you?

More often than not. It becomes your own.

And I was wrecked.

Chapter Forty-Three

Music without passion is merely noise. A life without passion? You may as well be dead. —Gabe H.

Gabe

“Shh.” I pulled her into my arms and dragged her to the couch, then I turned on the fireplace in front of us. I was thanking my lucky stars that I’d had a cleaning crew go through the house and air everything out so we weren’t sitting on dust. “You know, you’re going to give me a complex. I’m supposed to be making it so you don’t cry.”

Saylor sniffled against my chest, not raising her head. “I’m so sorry. I just—”

“What?”

“You found the one. At the right time. The girl you loved. The girl you wanted everything with. You were so brave, so… raw. You gave her everything and…” Saylor’s breath hitched. “Looking at pictures of you guys together… it destroys me, Gabe. It’s not fair.”

I closed my eyes and held her tighter. “I know.”

“It’s not fair,” she repeated. “It’s not fair that I’m here and she isn’t. It’s not fair that you have to show me your house and that she can’t be the one to make cookies for you every Christmas. She’s never going to come through those doors and walk into your embrace. That is never going to happen.”

I fought the tears clogging in my throat. “I know.”

“I feel unworthy,” Saylor whispered. “To see this. To be with you. It should be her.”

“You’re not unworthy.” I stroked her arm. “I’m sharing this with you. You, Saylor.” I pried her away from my chest so I could look into her clear blue eyes. “The thing about life? It never goes as planned. But, right now, in this moment, with you in my arms. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Please believe me when I say that. This moment – it’s a gift. Just by being here, you’re making that pain a little less sharp.”

A tear slid down her cheek.

“Number four,” Saylor whispered.

“What?” I watched her lips as she spoke.

“Tear number four. You just made up for it.”

“By making you cry more?” I touched my forehead to hers.

“No.” Saylor cupped the back of my head. “By understanding the tears in the first place.”

With a shaky voice I answered, “They weren’t because of me.”

“No.”

“They’re for me.”

“Yeah. A tear for a tear,” she said softly. “Isn’t that what you said?”

I didn’t trust myself to speak. I could only nod as I watched the flames lick wildly in the fireplace.

After a few minutes of silence, I looked down at Saylor. Her hot little dress and high heels were still on.

We were alone in an amazing house that I hadn’t visited in four years.

And we were sitting on a couch.

Depressed.

“Am I the worst date ever?” I blurted.

Saylor’s head jerked up, a watery smile appeared, “Well…”

“No more tears.” I got up and marched toward the kitchen. “You’ve seen the house. You know the story. Now we’re going to be awesome.”

“Oh?” Her eyebrows shot up as her gaze followed me into the kitchen.

I didn’t really know my way around anywhere, but I did know that the staff had stocked food in the pantry and that a few menus for takeout were lying around just in case we got hungry.

“Next person who cries has to run around outside naked,” I declared, lifting the menus into the air.

Saylor tilted her head. “You do realize that just makes me want you to cry right?”

I smirked. “There are easier ways to get me naked, honey.”

She blushed and looked down at her hands.

“Aw, the pink pony’s making a comeback,” I teased.

Saylor crossed her arms, and lifted her head, eyes sparkling with indignation. “It was purple.”

“A pony’s a pony – you still ride it.”

Saylor’s face flamed red.

“Gotcha.” I winked.

“You’re too confident for your own good.” She scowled.

“Does the fact that I slept with my rat next to my bed until he died make me any less confident sounding?”

“No.”

“I hate spiders?” I offered. “And I’m slightly terrified of them?”

Saylor took a few steps toward my spot in the kitchen. “How afraid? Like if a small spider skittered across the floor, what would happen?”

“I’d scream and squash its hairy ass.”

“Hmm.” She tapped her chin and took a few more steps, “And if I put a spider in your bed?”

“I’d weep,” I answered honestly. “Honest to God tears. And then I’d scream and squash its hairy ass.”

She flashed a grin and leaned against the counter, which meant her entire body was outlined by the back glow of the fireplace. I swallowed the dryness in my throat. “And if I was dressed as a spider?”

My eyes didn’t leave hers when I answered, “I’d pin you against the floor, strip the costume off and then attempt not to squash your very pretty, gorgeous, infuriating ass.”

I wasn’t sure who reached for whom first.

But all of a sudden our bodies collided, our mouths met in a frenzy. I lifted her onto the countertop as she wrapped her legs around my waist. With a moan, her body trembled beneath my touch. I cupped her face with one hand while I steadied her body with the other. I wanted to kiss her until my lips were sore, until my mouth was swollen, until my body was spent, so basically I wanted to kiss her until forever.

This kiss was different.

A lifetime of kisses – and nothing compared to her mouth, her touch, her taste.

It was shattering to realize how incredible of a pull another human being could have on someone – just by touching them.

But Saylor wasn’t just touching me, she was enveloping me with her body, she wasn’t just kissing me, she was sharing her soul with me. Saylor was showing me what words couldn’t express.

Her tongue drove me wild as it swirled around mine – I dug my hand into her hair grabbing a fistful of it as I tried to pull her tighter against my body.

Saylor’s arms tightened around my neck as the sensation of our bodies colliding, rubbing against each other, nearly had me passing out.

Every touch was like getting permanently branded.

She pulled back, her eyes glazed.

I stared at her.

She stared at me.

Weird how people can communicate without saying one damn word. Saylor, slowly, pried herself from my body and hopped off the counter, then grabbed my hand and dragged me to the couch.

I followed. There wasn’t any other option.

When we reached the couch. I didn’t hesitate to pull her into my arms and fall backward onto it so that she was on top of me.

We started kissing again.

This time slower. I took my time tasting her, exploring every inch of her mouth until I thought I was going to go insane. She responded to my every touch, with little sighs.

It was killing me.

“Say…” I nipped her upper lip.

“Don’t stop,” she whispered. “New memories, Gabe. In this house, just you and me.”

I pushed the ghosts of Kimmy away from my mind and focused on the present. Focused on Saylor, and only Saylor, as we kept kissing. I pushed my hand against her stomach, brushing my knuckles against her ribs. Saylor gasped. I tore my mouth away from hers, making eye contact with her briefly before she tangled her hands in my hair and pulled me hard against her mouth again. Another kiss, this one stronger, hungrier, deeper. Her mouth moved from my mouth to my ear, her hot breath giving me chills all the way down my spine. I was consumed by her, each touch and kiss made it harder for me to keep clothing between us – when all I wanted was to make her mine.

My hands pushed against her bare skin, inching higher and higher, a soft moan escaped. My body cried out, and I slowly pulled back the pressure of my kiss, because as hard as it was, each kiss also reminded me that I wouldn’t be giving Saylor everything I had – because I wasn’t in possession of everything right now.

Because how could I truly take from Saylor? How could I truly give myself to her? When part of my heart was still missing?

And that was the problem.

My heart had never been engaged with other girls and one night stands. But with Saylor? I was pretty sure had I had my heart in the palm of my hand I would have handed it to her then lain prostrate on the floor. Just hoping, begging, for her to accept it even though it didn’t look like other hearts. Even though it was damaged.

Saylor’s hands dug into the sides of my body as she moved on top of me. H-o-o-ly shit. This wasn’t going to end well.

“Say—” I was cut off by another kiss. “Saylor, we can’t. I can’t sleep with you.”

She pulled back, a smile forming at her swollen mouth, “Who said anything about sleep?”

“No.” Why the hell was my face heating up? “I mean we can’t have sex.”

Her smile returned. “Did I tell you I was going to have sex with you?”

“Well… no.” Damn it.

“So?” She leaned down until her breasts were brushing against my chest. Hell. Turn on the AC already. Great plan, Gabe. A fireplace? What was I thinking?

“So.” I licked my lips. “I’m confused.”

“You ever make out?” She kissed me softly. “Do you ever just kiss to kiss?”

“No.”

“You should.” She brushed another kiss on my neck. I groaned, grabbing her body and pulling her hard against me. “Sometimes, the appetizers are better than the main course.”

At that, I laughed. “Oh yeah? Prove it.” I put my hands behind my head and winked.

“Rule number one.” She traced the outline of my jaw with her finger. “Never let your guard down.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I may just take you up on your offer.” With a smirk she pushed up my shirt and started licking.

Licking.

She was licking me.

And I was liking it.

Way. Too. Much.

“Say—”

And then she bit me, right where she’d licked me. There was sucking, something that I could only describe as swirling even though I knew it sounded insane. And more kissing.

I fought to keep my hips from driving toward her – from making this more than just kissing.

Her teeth nipped at my lower stomach where my jeans met skin, and then that damn tongue of hers went to work again.

I couldn’t focus on anything because my vision kept going blurry, so I closed my eyes.

Her hands dipped behind me, gripping my ass and then gripping harder as her fingers dug into flesh and then started to slowly massage.

Erotic, yes. Relaxing, even more so.

And before I knew it. I was getting sleepy. Not because I wasn’t as turned on as hell, but because she was just – everywhere. I felt her everywhere. I was like a fat happy cow before getting sacrificed. No doubt about it, I was going to most likely explode from want.

But in that moment… I savored every damn touch.

And allowed myself to succumb – to her.

Chapter Forty-Four

Funny – I’d never realized how stressed out Gabe was until I finally saw him resting. His face was slack, his jaw unclenched. He was male beauty personified – and all mine. For now, at least. For now, he was mine. —Saylor

Saylor

The bastard fell asleep.

I laughed softly and tucked my body next to his on the couch. My stomach was grumbling, but I decided to nap for a bit with him before ordering food. The minute my head fell against his chest, he wrapped his arms around me.

Gabe’s mouth found mine again.

We kissed, lazily kissed, neither one of us reached for each other, we merely lay there and let our lips graze and nip at one another.

It felt beautiful.

If our first kiss was a chaotic symphony exploding with all the wrong notes in the wrong places – our third kiss? Our fourth? Were a song. A very pretty, perfectly played, song.

“I miss her,” he whispered against my hair. “I miss her so much. How can I be so happy to be with you, to be in your arms? How can I want you so badly? Yet still miss her?” Gabe’s eyes didn’t open, if anything he squeezed them shut tighter and pulled me against him.

“Because…” I played with his golden hair, in the firelight it looked like a halo. “She was your first love, and every day you see her face you’re reminded that although she’s still here – she isn’t.”

Gabe sighed. “I feel like my heart’s getting ripped in two. I feel like one day you’re going to wake up and realize that this drama isn’t worth it. That I’m not worth it. Saylor, tell me tomorrow things won’t be different.”

“But they will be.” I sighed and tucked the hair behind his ear. “Because the skeletons are finally gone, the scales from people’s eyes are going to eventually be lifted, and you’re going to have to make a choice.”

He shuddered. “I would never choose her over you.”

“But Gabe…” I felt the tears well in my eyes. “You already have. Even if it wasn’t on purpose – you already have.”

His eyes flashed open. I could tell he wanted to argue with me just by the way his eyes bored into mine as if pleading for me to take it back. But that’s the thing with truth – once you speak it out loud…

It’s out there.

He kissed my forehead. “I could love you.”

“So you keep saying.” I offered a sad smile. “But for what it’s worth. I could love you too.”

We didn’t eat.

We spent the rest of the night kissing, falling asleep, only to wake up kissing again. I had no idea what time it even was. The house felt like a fairy tale. I imagined if we stayed there forever we’d be happy – we’d still be kissing – and we’d be happy, but that wasn’t life.

The universe must have heard my thoughts because Gabe’s cell started buzzing in his pocket.

With a curse he pulled it out. “Hey, Wes, sorry… fell asleep.”

Gabe closed his eyes and let out a long sigh.

“What channel?”

Dread exploded all over my body as Gabe slowly rose from the couch, walked over to the large flatscreen, and grabbed the remote.

Color invaded the living room.

The picture on the screen took my breath away. It was one of Kimmy before the accident, so full of life, so gorgeous it hurt to look at her. And then a photo of Ashton Hyde.

And finally a photo of Gabe’s family with the caption. “Devastated Father finally reaches out to long lost son.”

“He’s finally come home!” Gabe’s dad said on the TV screen. “The prodigal has returned after our insistence that he allow us to be a part of his life again. We’re so saddened that he felt the need to go to such extremes to push us and the rest of his beloved friends and fans from his life. But know this, Ashton Hyde.” His dad stared through the TV screen. “Nothing will ever be the same. Now that you’ve returned – we won’t ever let you go.”

Gabe sank to the floor on his knees.

I ran to him, wrapping my arms around him as I rocked him back and forth. “It’s going to be fine,” I whispered. Even though I knew it was a lie. The thing about lies? They only work if the other person doesn’t know the truth. And we both knew.

Nothing. Would ever. Be the same.

Chapter Forty-Five

Life was passing me by. I was alive, but not awake. I hadn’t been awake in a really long time. Funny, I thought the prince was supposed to wake Sleeping Beauty. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that I wasn’t the dragon or the prince. But the one in need of a rescue so epic – that my world shattered. The scary thing about waking up? You’re reminded how much of your life was a nightmare – and again remember why you went to sleep in the first place. —Gabe H.

Gabe

The lights had never bothered me. They flashed in my face, made me feel like I was going to have a seizure, but it was a necessary evil. People had a fascination with pictures – because then they could fantasize about what it would be like to be with me, to see me in the flesh.

I swore to destroy every last picture of myself. But when that didn’t work. I destroyed the perfect image they had of me. It was the only way.

And now I was regretting it.

Because the Ashton Hyde they wanted to take pictures of? He didn’t exist anymore.

But for the first time in four years, I was okay with that. I was okay with myself… who I was.

I gripped Saylor’s hand in mine as we drove toward the group home. After watching the morning news show. I knew things would get crazy with the media. I needed to make sure that everything would be set up to protect Princess from reporters.

Wes, being Wes, said he was already on top of things, which I could only assume meant he’d called his dad and brought in the US Army or something equally huge. He didn’t do anything half-assed. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if the SWAT team was standing outside the group home with Tasers set.

Saylor didn’t say much, but I kept squeezing her hand. I wasn’t sure if it was because I needed comfort or because I was trying to comfort her. Her lips were drawn into a smile, but I could tell she was putting on a face for me.

Which sucked, because how many times had I been on the offering end of that same smile? Giving a fake smile in order to make people feel good? Felt like hell.

“We’re here.” I pulled the BMW into the parking spot. Both of us were still wearing our clothes from the night before. When Wes had called it was five in the morning and I’d wanted to get to the home right away.

“We are.” Saylor looked around.

The sun was just beginning to rise over the Sound. There were only two or three reporters in front of the Home. No doubt, hundreds would be staked out later.

“I want to stay in the car,” I admitted. “I want to turn around and go back to the house and lock myself in there with you.”

Saylor turned and looked at me, her fake smile turning real, revealing her perfect pink mouth. “Let’s pretend.”

“Alright.” I wasn’t sure what she was getting at.

“We met at college,” Saylor began, licking her lips. “We collided in the hallway and immediately hated each other.”

“Because you were snarky.” I smirked.

She giggled. “Only because you were cocky and made fun of me.”

“True.” The sun peeked over the mountains. “And I couldn’t get you out of my mind.”

“So days later, when we met again, it was chaotic because we both despised and intrigued one another,” she continued.

“I pursued.”

“Oh?” Her eyebrows arched.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “I pursued… wanting you, needing you. I went about it all wrong, as most guys do, thinking that if I could just make you hate me you’d leave me alone to wallow.”

“Silly boys, that never works,” Saylor whispered, her eyes welling with tears.

“Never.” I shook my head and clenched her hand. “Because we forget that hate and love are sometimes impossible to tell apart.” My voice went hoarse. “And then I fell.”

“Me too.”

“I took you out on… ten dates?”

“Wow!” Saylor laughed. God, I could listen to her laugh forever. It was deep and sounded real, not fake or high pitched. “Someone’s optimistic.”

“And we hung out every second of every day.”

“Made music together.” Saylor grinned. “For hours on end.”

“Kissed.” I sighed. “For hours on end.”

“And what started out as hate…” I shrugged. “…blossomed into full out love. And neither of us wanted to be without the another.”

“So we stayed.” Saylor’s eyes watered as she looked at the sun rising, lighting up the inside of the car. “We stayed that way forever.”

“In our house.” I focused my attention on the Sound and squeezed her hand as tight as I possibly could.

“And lived…” Saylor whispered. “…happily ever after.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “Happily ever after.”

“It would have been a great story.” Saylor sniffled, tears streaming down her face.

“With a killer ending.” I cupped her face in my hands.

“Too bad it’s just a story.” She bit her lower lip and shrugged as more tears dripped over her lips.

“Yeah.” Something pierced my heart, made it hurt so damn bad I thought I was going to die right on the spot.

“Gabe…” Saylor kissed my mouth. “For what it’s worth, I still want to be in the story, even if it means… I walk away empty-handed. Even if it means I walk away without my heart. You’ve made your choice. And I’ve made mine.”

“Even if it means you’re left with nothing?” I asked.

“Just because the girl doesn’t end up with the boy in the end – doesn’t mean she ends up with nothing. Life’s a gift. I just want to share yours, no matter how small the pieces that are shared may be.”

“God…” I was going to swear, but her mouth covered mine.

“God…” Saylor tapped my chin. “Wrote the ending before the beginning was ever even realized.” She shrugged. “Let’s write our story the same way.”

I nodded and reached for the door. Because really what else could I say to make everything better?

She knew as well as I did that the minute we both got out of the car, Gabe would officially be nothing but a memory. The normal college life, walking around the home and helping out.

Life would change.

And the biggest change would be that people finally knew about Kimmy. They finally knew she was alive, and would soon know we were engaged.

Which left Saylor out of the picture.

I was torn. Because although my heart belonged to another – I really wished that it belonged to her.

Because what I had with Saylor it was a living breathing thing, and what I had with Kimmy? It was like trying to revive something that had been dead a long time.

I loved her – but I wasn’t in love with her. Yet my heart wouldn’t allow me to completely let go. It hurt too much to think about. No matter which direction I walked in – it hurt.

“Ashton!” A reporter charged toward me. Saylor gripped my hand the whole time I walked slowly toward the building. “Ashton, tell us. Is it true? Have you been secretly hiding out in Seattle? Going to school and passing off as a student all these years? And your fiancée? Rumors were she passed away in an accident. What really happened all those years ago?”

I sighed as the weight of the world nestled onto my shoulders. “I’ll answer all your questions.” I offered a polite nod. “But right now, I really need to check on my fiancée – she’s been sick, and that trumps giving you guys a story. Please, respect my privacy a little while longer.”

The reporter’s eyes narrowed. “Who’s this?” She pointed to Saylor, who was still at my side.

I opened my mouth to say… I don’t know what the hell I was going to say. My girlfriend? Because that would sound all kinds of horrible, considering my fiancée was lying inside the home not a hundred feet away from us.

“His best friend.” Saylor smiled warmly.

“Rumor has it your best friend is Wes Michels.” The lady smirked.

“What is this, first grade?” another reporter lashed out. “He can have two best friends.”

“Mike.” I breathed a sigh of relief. I’d known him since I’d gotten my start. He was a reporter for HollyWood Today and then went into retirement. “I thought—”

“I’ve lived up here for years Ashton. Thought I’d come out of retirement and see how my favorite kid was doing.”

The other reporters were silent as Mike and I talked.

I slapped him on the shoulder. “You.” I nodded as relief started tampering down the adrenaline that was surging through me. “You I’ll talk to.”

“Good.” His eyes crinkled. “Kimmy would have liked that.”

“Yeah.” I bit my lip to keep from crumbling. “She would have.”

“Go on in, son.” Mike nodded. “I’ll take care of the swarms out here.” He put a card in my hand and smiled. “When you’re ready, we’ll do it however you want. Your terms, Ashton. Don’t let them make you into something you’re not.”

I clenched the card like a lifeline as I stared at Mike’s name and contact info stamped on front. Then I shoved it into my jeans pocket.

Saylor was silent as security let us by. The Home looked the same, but the expressions on everyone else’s face? Different.

Martha walked up and sighed. “I’m sorry. Short of smashing in all the TVs and stealing everyone’s computers for the day, I couldn’t keep them from finding out.”

“Well…” I sighed. “Everything has an expiration date, right?”

“Right.” Martha’s eyes moved to Saylor standing next to me and then warmed. “Glad to see you back, young lady.”

“Gabe…” Wes was walking down the hall like he was marching to war. “She’s been asking about you – I don’t know if Martha said anything but, the infection it’s… it’s getting worse, man.”

Wordlessly, Saylor and I walked down the hall with Martha and Gabe. Princess was lying in her bed with an oxygen mask over her nose and mouth.

Saylor’s breath hitched.

“Helps her breathe,” Wes explained. “But the coughing makes it difficult. I swear I didn’t sleep at all last night. Every time she coughed sounded like…” His voice trailed off as he spread his hands helplessly.

“The last.” I sighed.

“Yeah.” Wes rubbed his face with his hands. “Her body isn’t responding. It’s like she’s…”

“Princess?” I let go of Saylor’s hand and walked toward the bed. Her eyes flickered open.

She smiled and said my name fogging up the oxygen mask.

“You look like you’ve seen better days.” I smiled and sat on the bed.

She nodded.

“You feeling better?”

Nothing. No nod. Nothing. The light in her eyes died a bit, and then she started coughing out of control. I held the mask in place and helped her as best I could. By the time she was done coughing, a wheezing took the place of her breathing, making it sound like she was choking.

I turned around to see Saylor and Wes were gone.

Martha’s eyes were sad. “I think…” She placed her hand on her chest. “Gabe, I think it’s time to call hospice.”

“What?” I stood. “Do you think it’s that bad?”

“The infection is worse.” Martha sighed heavily. “I’ve seen healthy individuals die from this type of infection, not to mention she’s already in a weakened state. I just think it would be wise to call them. In the end, it’s your call. And hospice doesn’t necessarily mean the end. People come off hospice all the time.”

Then why did it feel like I was sentencing her to death?

“I need to think about it,” I answered honestly.

“I figured.” Martha smiled. “Just let me know once you decide.”

She left me alone with Princess.

Her form was so frail. Funny, I never really said Kimmy in my head anymore. To me she was simply Princess. Kimmy – the girl I had known – was gone. But she had left me with a gift in the form of a princess.

A princess sent from heaven.

I took her hand in mine, then kissed it. “You’re beautiful, you know that?”

Her eyes welled with tears.

“To me,” I whispered, my lips grazing her hand, “you will always be the most beautiful thing I have ever had the pleasure of laying my eyes on.”

A single tear spilled over and rolled down Princess’s face.

“You really are a princess, you know that? Like the ones from the stories I read you. So, I have one question, my little Princess. Will you let the prince rescue you? Can I take you on my horse to my castle? Can I fight for you, even when you won’t fight for yourself? Will you let me love you, even when you’re sick and broken? Will you let me keep the vow I made to you all those years ago?”

Her eyes fluttered shut.

“Gabe?” Wes’s voice sounded from the hallway. “More reporters just came. I know this is a lot to take in one day, but the sooner you break your silence, the better it will be. Trust me.”

“Right.” I swallowed the tears thickening around my throat and reached into my pocket. “Do me a favor?”

“Anything.” Wes walked into the room.

I handed him the card. “Call him and set up the interview. We can do it here at the Home. I just… I need to get it over with.”

Wes took the card. “Done.”

“Where’s Saylor?”

Wes’s eyes were sad as he answered. “She wanted to give you guys some privacy. Martha said coffee was the best way to start a morning, so yeah, she left. She’ll be back though.”

My eyes never left his. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

“Let her,” Wes commanded, his voice firm. “Let her be that person for you. She knows what she’s getting into, and she’s still here. That’s saying something.”

“I have nothing to give her.” Clenching my hands into fists, I tried not to cringe as I recognized the unmistakable sound of desperation in my voice.

“Who said you had to give her anything?” Wes answered and walked out of the room.