Текст книги "Next"

Автор книги: Rachael Brownell

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Текущая страница: 10 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

I DON'T SOCIALIZE at the wake. There are a few familiar faces that say hello to me, tell me what a great speech I gave and then go about their business. I'm not interested in reconnecting with people that I haven't seen in a decade, people that didn't care about me back then and are only being cordial now. I've never cared what they thought of me and now that Elliot's not here to be my wingman, to defend me when needed, I don't plan to open myself up to strangers.

That's what they are. Strangers. They were back then and they still are.

My parents have come and gone. My mother was a wreck. Elliot was like her son. I'm pretty sure she was hoping that we would marry long ago. She never completely understood our relationship and now she never will. I won't be able to explain it to her or talk about Elliot for a while.

Will stays by my side the entire time. I watch as Luke and James move from table to table, thanking each person for coming today. Mr. and Mrs. Evans stay seated. Neither of them are making eye contact with anyone. Mrs. Evans looks as if she might break at any moment. I want to go to them, to hug them, but I know better. It's best to let them grieve right now and save the hugs for a later date.

I study Luke, his movements. He's changed. The boy I knew has grown into a man. Physically I would recognize him anywhere. He's still as gorgeous as he was in high school. His confidence radiates off him like it always has. Something is off though, and I can't put my finger on it.

I expected him to be different than I remembered. Maybe under the circumstances I'm holding onto the boy he used to be and that's who I recognize. When he turns toward our table and our eyes meet, my heart speeds up. The feelings that were coursing through my body that day in the woods so long ago have returned. Every emotion, every desire, builds and builds as he walks toward the table, his eyes never leaving mine. From this distance, they look like they're the same color they were that day, dark and stormy.

I'm not ready. I've spent years dreaming about this moment and all I can think about is how much I'd like to run and hide. Running is what got me into this mess to begin with. He'll catch me, or at least he'd try. I'm not that girl anymore.

Will says something to me, but I don't hear him. I'm still staring at Luke. He's only a table away now. Suddenly, he breaks eye contact. I follow his eye to where my hand is, on the table covered by Will's. I pull my hand away and look back to Luke, but it's too late. I don't see him anywhere.

James approaches our table, alone. He's on autopilot. "Thank you for coming. It means a lot to our family." Then he drops a bomb on me. "Luke said that he'll catch you later. He got a phone call and stepped outside. Thanks again for saying a few things today, Reagan. I know it would have meant a lot to Elliot."

I nod because my voice is caught in my throat. The phrase he used "catch you later" sounds exactly like Luke. What does it mean? Is he going to come back and talk to me in a minute? I can't. Not right now. I'm emotionally drained. I need sleep. I need to get out of here. Now.

Will asks to come in when we get back to my house but I just want to be alone for a while. I can tell that he's disappointed, but that's the least of my worries right now. I've been having flashbacks since Luke disappeared a few hours ago. Flashbacks of days I spent with Elliot and Luke when times were simpler and all we cared about was having fun. Nothing was complicated. Nothing else mattered but that moment. The future wasn't a concern for us. Things like college, falling in love and dying weren't even on our radar.

It feels like the two weeks Luke and I spent avoiding Elliot so that we could spend time together were a lifetime ago. The feelings I had for him then still feel very real though. Watching him today, move through the crowd, talking to people and comforting his parents, caused my heart to ache. Not just for Luke but for Elliot.

It aches for my friend whose life was cut too short, for Felicity who will never be the same because of the loss, for Elliot's family and for me. I meant what I said in my speech. He truly did make me a better person just because I knew him. He made me stronger. He pushed me to be the best I could be, to be who I wanted to be. He was the best kind of friend anyone could ask for. He was supportive.

I lay down on the couch and stare at the ceiling. My phone rings in my purse, but I'm too numb to get up and answer it. It rings again, but I still don't move. Whoever is trying to reach me gives up thankfully. An hour later there's a knock on the door. I contemplate ignoring that too, but my car is in the driveway. Whoever it is knows I'm here and probably won't give up.

I push myself off the couch and make my way to the door. I expect it to be Will, checking up on me. It could be Felicity's parent. I haven't heard from them at all today. What I don't expect is to see James standing on the other side of the door, still in his suit from the wake but dripping sweat.

"Hey. What are you up to?" He asks, out of breath, as he walks past me and into my kitchen. I follow him, still in shock that he's here and watch as he grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and down it.

"Nothing much. Why are you sweating?"

"I ran here."

"Why?"

"Luke wouldn't give me a ride." I close my eyes when I hear his name. "Reagan?" My eyes pop back open and James is staring at me with a concerned look on his face. I give him a hesitant smile, but he sees right through me. The devious grin that breaks out across his face is his tell. "How long have you been in love with Luke?"

"What? I don't know what you're talking about." I leave him standing in the kitchen and make my way to the back porch. He joins me a few minutes later, a beer in each hand. He's shed his suit jacket and his shirt is unbuttoned half way down. He reminds me of Elliot in so many ways and Luke in so many others. He hands me a beer and takes the seat next to me but doesn't say anything right away.

"Last week, a few days before the accident, Elliot and I were talking. He had just gotten off the phone with Luke. They had been fighting for a while. I asked him what it was about and he brushed it off. All he would tell me was that it was about a girl. I knew it wasn't about Felicity because Luke had never met her. I never thought it could be you. Looking back now, I should have known." He pauses, cracks his beer open and takes a sip. "I was surprised to see him today. I wasn't sure if he would come. He and Elliot have been fighting for years every time they talk. It was getting worse lately. When the pastor started to speak and he wasn't there I was pissed. I tried to get up there and honor Elliot, I really did, but so much of my speech had to do with the both of them that I didn't want to point out the fact that Luke wasn't there."

"But he was."

"He must have walked in after the service started. When I heard the surprise in your voice and looked to the back of the room, I saw him. I watched him the entire time you were talking. His grief started to fade little by little as you spoke. It didn't take much to put two and two together after that about why they had been fighting.

"I watched as he built up the courage to talk to you. When I finally saw him head in your direction, I knew Elliot would be smiling down as he watched you guys reunite. When Will caught on to what was about to happen, he put his hand on yours. Then his phone rang and he took that as his opportunity to chicken out. In a split second, Luke vanished. The devastation on your face broke my heart. The smile on Will's infuriated me. He knew exactly what he had just done." I hear the anger in James' voice as he says Will's name. I shake my head at the thought. Even if Will hadn't done what he did, the result still would have been the same. He saved me the heartache.

"So... the reason for your visit? To tell me all of this?"

"No. I actually came to see how you were doing? You were quiet today. I wasn't sure what was going on inside your head and I wanted to make sure you were okay. I made a promise to myself that I would watch out for you since Elliot can't anymore. You're like a sister to me, Reagan. You always have been."

"Thank you. I love you too, James." I pick up my beer and tilt it towards the sky. James mimics my actions and a single tear sneaks down my cheek as I speak. "To family."

The sun has set but I'm still on the porch. James left a while ago. Will showed up to check on me and I sent him away. I traded in my beer for a glass of wine, the bottle now half empty. I pick up my glass, kick off my shoes and head down the steps.

I walk down to the shore and let the cool water wash over my toes. I slowly empty my glass as I listen to the waves. There's no better place to be alone with your thoughts that an empty beach on a beautiful summer night so I head back to grab a blanket and get a refill.

As I'm searching for a blanket in the spare room, I hear a knock at the door and roll my eye. Will's not taking no for an answer. I prepare my speech as I stomp towards the door. As I fling it open, I'm prepared to deliver the verbal lashing of a lifetime. Instead, I drop my wine glass as my eyes land on Luke Evans.

I don't hear the glass shatter as it hits the floor. I don't feel the wine splash against my legs. Nothing around me registers except what my eyes are focused on. Luke.

There's a devious grin on his face that reminds me of the one James gave me earlier. All those boys are so much alike in mannerisms yet drastically different in every other way. I can feel his eyes studying me. I traded in my dress clothes for cut-off jean shorts and a tank top. My hair is pulled high on my head in a messy bun. My eyes are puffy from the tears I've been shedding on and off all day. I look a hot mess.

"Luke." His name slips off my tongue on a whisper. "Wha-wha-what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you. Can I come in?" Like no time at all has passed, he skips the hello and gets right down to business. Some things don't change.

"Sure," I say as I move aside, allowing him to pass.

Luke waits for me in the living room as I clean up the broken glass and grab us both a beverage. I'm going to need something stronger than wine if I'm going to survive this. I open the cabinet above the refrigerator and pull out the hard liquor. Pouring myself a vodka and tonic, extra vodka, I practice my deep breathing. I give myself a small pep talk and take a shot for courage that burns its way down my throat, hurting more than it helps.

I hand Luke his beer and motion for him to follow me outside. Luke takes a seat at the table, but I remain standing, too nervous to be close to him. I lean against the railing, sipping my cocktail, as I wait for him to say something. He's staring at me, studying me again.

"How have you been, Luke?" I break the silence, unable to take it anymore.

"Fine. You?" I close my eyes at the sound of his voice. It's been so long and I've missed it so much.

"I'm okay. Are you still in North Carolina?" It's all I can think to say.

"Yeah. It looks like you've built quite a nice life for yourself here. Does your boyfriend live with you?" I laugh. I don't mean to, but it slips out. I cover my mouth to stop myself, but it's too late. "Did I say something funny?"

"Boyfriend?"

"From today. The one that was possessively eyeing me and touching you any chance he had." There's something in his voice that I don't recognize. It's not anger. It's not concern. I can't put my finger on it.

"That's Will. He's my personal trainer and a friend. I don't date." Shit! Why did I just say that last part? He's going to want to know why and I can't tell him why.

"Really? I think he might have the wrong impression." That's all he says for a minute as he sips his beer and studies me some more. My knees are starting to go weak so I take a seat across from him at the table and a staring contest ensues. Until Luke leans towards me and whispers. "I know, Gracie. I know how you feel."

MY MOUTH DROPS open, but no words come out. He knows what? How? The only two people I've told how I feel about him are Elliot and Felicity. I find it hard to believe that Elliot told him after years of keeping my secret. I know Felicity didn't tell him. James thinks he has it all figured out, but I confirmed nothing.

On top of that, why is he calling me Gracie again? My heart fluttered when he said it, but it's been too long. I always thought he used to call me that to annoy me. There was a moment, a brief, fleeting moment when I thought that maybe there was a bigger reason. That maybe his words had some truth behind them that day in the woods. I hoped but never thought it was a possibility.

"I can see the wheels turning inside your head. You're wondering who told me and why. You're going through every conversation you've ever had that I was mentioned in, picking each one apart. You can stop torturing yourself. I'll tell you, but you need to ask the right question first."

"Did you ever think that you might be misinformed?" I'm not going to play his game. If he knows the truth it doesn't matter who told him. I won't confirm or deny anything. I'm not going to put myself out there just to be let down. Luke is the only man that I will never be able to have for just one night, for just one more kiss.

"I thought about it and then dismissed it when I saw you yesterday."

"Hmm. So just by looking at me you were able to confirm that the information you were given was correct. That's amazing. You should work for the government and spend time talking to terrorists." My sarcasm is over the top and I know it. It was unnecessary to take it that far. Instead of covering up my feelings I just confirmed them for him. I was never very good at deflection.

He's always done this too me. I close my eyes and let my mind wander back to that day in the woods. He got me fired up so that I would tell him the truth, so I would tell him exactly what I wanted. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He fought me to give me what I wanted. To get what he wanted.

When I open my eyes, the fire in his is burning bright.

"Grac-"

"No." I stop him before he says it again. I can't let myself get caught up in him again if he's going to leave town. He will leave town, it's inevitable. If it took a tragedy to bring him home, I can't think of anything that's going to keep him here.

"Reagan. I'm sorry." He stands, towering over me. It's my turn to take him in. The basic gray t-shirt he's wearing shows the definition of every muscle in his body. I stare, wondering how it's even possible for him to look better than he did before he left. "I should never have come here. I was obviously misinformed."

My resolve to let him go lasts as long as it takes him to walk to the front door. "Wait, Luke."

He stops but doesn't turn around. His head drops to his chest. "Ask me, Reagan."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"I'm afraid of the answer. You're going to leave, right? Does it even matter?"

He spins and is in my face in seconds. "It matters. You matter. You always have. I saw it back then and I see it now." I take a step back and he matches me. Another and my back is against the wall. His body language changes and a playful grin appears on his face. "Here we are again. Tell me, Gracie. What do you want from me because there are a few things I can offer you."

His words shatter my resolve. I close my eyes and were back in the woods, young and impressionable. Running from our fears and towards each other. I remember being head over heels in love with him. Am I still in love with him or am I more in love with the idea of him, the memory of him?

I have two choices right now. I can go for broke and tell him everything. Or, I can stick to my guns and tell him nothing. Neither option appeals to me. I want something in the middle. I want time with him, to get to know him again, the person he’s become. Time is so precious, though. You never know how much you are going to get.

That's my answer.

"Time."

"How much?"

"As much as I can have." He takes a step back and looks in my eyes. The burning desire is still there, but something else is lingering as well. "I won't lie to you and tell you that I don't care about you, that I haven't spent every day for the last ten years wishing for this moment. I've imagined this going one way and one way only. Losing Elliot puts a whole new spin on everything, including this. So, right now all I want is time, with you."

"I have a plane to catch in two days. You can have me until I leave if you want." I nod, never taking my eyes off of his. "Now, the question is where do you want me?"

I start laughing hysterically and so does he. I'm thankful for the break. I was drowning in the tension in the room. His words hit me deep though. I'm not sure how much he knows and I'm sure that he doesn't know that I've never been with a man.

I stop laughing. I need air. I try to step around him, but he traps me against the wall again. "I was only half-kidding, Reagan. There is one thing I want from you and I can't wait a second longer."

I draw in a deep breath, ready to blurt out the truth. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Luke is staring at me, waiting for me to say something, but I can't. He leans in close and whispers in my ear. My eyes close, his voice seducing me in the way I've dreamt it would.

When his lips touch mine the sparks fly. No time has passed. I wrap myself around him and he lifts me, pressing me against the wall. The same combination of gentle caresses and passionate lust ignite something deep down inside me. This is what I've been looking for all these years. This is why no man has ever measured up. It's my own personal heaven.

I feel us moving and then I'm being lowered onto something soft. The couch. Luke is on top of me, one of his knees between mine, the other planted on the floor. I open my eyes when he pulls back. He reaches up and moves a stray piece of hair from my face, softly rubbing my cheek with the back of his hand. He kisses my lips gently only once and then pushes himself off of me.

"There are things that I need to tell you. Things you deserve to know. You may hate me in the end, but it's not fair to you." Luke's voice is conflicted. I attempt to sit up, but he makes it impossible. I'm trapped, right where he wants me. Where I can't run.

"What things?"

"I don't even know where to begin. It feels like there's so much you don't know."

"The beginning sounds like a good place to start."

His smile sad. "It's been so long. What's the beginning? Before I left or after?"

"Before you left I was here. What don't I know?"

"The real reason I chased you in the woods that day."

I'm pretty sure my heart just stopped beating. He had a reason? I thought I was the one who instigated it. I thought I was in control. I thought I was making things happen. "Why don't we start there then?"

"Because that's not the beginning."

"I don't understand, Luke. The beginning of what?"

"Of this." He's motioning between us. "I'm not sure when it began, but it was before I kissed you. It was before everything changed."

I don't know what to say. I know that his kiss changed so much for me. It changed the way I saw the world. It changed the way I saw myself. I wanted to be different. I wanted people to look at me differently. I wanted Luke to look at me differently. What changed for him?

"I love you, Reagan. I think I always have. I don't remember a time when I ever thought of you as my sister. I only remember thinking that I was going to marry you someday. I remember the first time I told Elliot. Remember the black eye I had my freshman year? He gave that to me."

"He never told me that."

"He wouldn't. He tried everything he could to keep me away from you. He convinced me that getting involved with you would destroy your friendship. After I kissed you, I told him I was going to break my promise. I wanted to be with you. He couldn't stop me, but the government could. I had already signed up for the Marine Corps. I tried to get out of it, but my contract was legally binding. I couldn't bring myself to tell you and then leave you."

"I know how you feel about her... You're both miserable." You can hear the realization in my voice.

"What?"

"I heard Elliot say it to someone on the phone the morning of the accident." Just saying his name makes me sad. Remembering him hours before the accident... I can't even put my feelings into words right now. I can't imagine how Luke feels, his last conversation with Elliot being a fight. Over me.

"You heard him? Did you know he was talking to me?"

"I think I knew, but I didn't know you were talking about me. I wanted it to be me, but then I didn't at the same time." I feel my emotions working their way to the surface so I look away from him and focus on the ceiling. I'm not sure what I just saw in his eyes, but there was a flicker of emotion that I didn't recognize. It may have been regret.

"We were always fighting. He was trying to get me to come home. I was so happy for him. I wanted to meet Felicity. I couldn't face you."

"Why?"

"I knew you would take one look at me and you would know. He didn't give me much of a choice, did he? I thought I got the last word before I hung up on him. I was wrong."