Текст книги "Next"

Автор книги: Rachael Brownell

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January 11, 2005

Luke,

Why haven't I heard from you? Did my last letter reach you? I wasn't sure if it would, but it's been four months and I haven't heard from you. Please let me know you're alright. I need to know before my sanity runs out.

Love,

Reagan

March 30, 2005

Luke,

Your mom says you're back in the country. Elliot said that he thought you were in North Carolina. What I want to know is why I haven't heard from you? Something is wrong. I can feel it. Please let me know that you're okay.

There are so many things that I haven't told you about. I got into Yale! I found out just after you were deployed. They accepted me for early admission. They accepted Elliot too, but he decided to go to Columbia instead. I hope he told you that already. If not, act surprised when he does.

I'm this year’s Valedictorian. No, I'm not excited about this. You know how I feel about being the center of attention. I've been working on my speech for a week now. It’s way too long. I need to trim it down so that I can get off the stage as quick as possible.

Are you going to be able to come to graduation? I sure hope so. It would be so amazing to see you. It's been too long. I crave the sound of your voice so the sight of you might be more than I can handle. J/K Please come if you can. I promise to behave in public. Are we still hiding this from Elliot? I haven't said anything to him.

One more month. That's all. Then, I can leave high school behind me and move on. I'm excited to start the next chapter. Yale is going to be amazing. I'm trying to convince my parents to let me experience it like a normal student. They aren't budging at the moment. They are "concerned for my safety" because I’ll be all the way across the country.

You know, Yale is a lot closer to North Carolina than California is. You should come up and see me. Or I can come down and see you. Whatever works better.

Okay, I better get back to work on that speech. It's not going to write itself. I only have 5 weeks to perfect it. You know me, I'll work on it every day until it's time to walk on that stage. Hopefully, you'll be there to hear it. I could use a muse in the audience. Staring into your eyes while I give the speech would make everyone around disappear.

I can't wait to hear back from you.

Love,

Reagan

June 3, 2005

Reagan,

I'm back in the states. Things are busy. Congrats on Yale. I hope your graduation speech went well. Sorry, I couldn't be there to hear it.

Always in my heart,

Luke

September 5, 2005

Luke,

I did it! I'm free!

I'm sad you missed graduation. Your parents said that you were on the move. I'm not sure what that means, but I hope you're safe. The fact that you couldn't come home makes me worry. I want you to be safe. I need you to come home. You promised you would come home. I know you still have a few years but don't forget what you promised me. We have plans. Big plans! Plans that won't happen unless you come home.

I'm going to change the subject because now I'm getting emotional. I miss you.

My parents wanted me to live off campus, but I convinced them to let me live in the dorms. Did I already tell you that? I'm about ready to pack all my things. I have no idea what to take. I want to leave this part of my life behind and start over. I'm sick of being this version of myself. I want to be a better version, a different version. I think college is going to be the perfect place for me to reinvent myself. Elliot seems to think I'm crazy for wanting to change who I am. What about you? I know I'm a good person. I don't want to change that. I will still be me, Reagan Elaine Brooks. I'll still be the same girl you grew up next door to. That won't change. I just want a new image. I want people to see me as more that the little rich girl that I've always been perceived as.

I know I'm rambling. I'm sorry.

How are you? I haven't heard from you much since you graduated from boot camp. I hope everything is going well. Elliot still acts weird when I ask how you're doing. I know he doesn't know anything, but it still makes me nervous. Should I be nervous? We're both adults now. We can make our own decisions and we don't have to justify them to anyone. Should we tell him? He's your brother so I'll leave that decision up to you. If you do decide to tell him, let me know first. You know how I hate surprises.

I'm sorry my letter is so short. I have packing left to do and very little time to do it. I'm going to mail this from the dorms. I know I already sent you the address, but I thought it might be kind of cool to send it from there. Plus, I'll be there in less than 48 hours!

I miss you,

Reagan

Day one.

THE MOVING COMPANY is unloading the truck. I watch as onlookers stare as they move box after box up the stairs to my dorm room. I begged my parents to let me do it myself, but they refused. Having a moving company is the equivalent of a neon sign in my opinion. "Rich girl moving in."

I thank the moving guys and watch as the truck pulls away. There are still a few people standing around, watching my every move. I can feel their judgmental eyes on me. It bothers me because this is the stereotype I wanted to avoid. I need this fresh start.

Instead of heading up to my room, I take a walk. I head in the direction of the dining hall. The hall is only two buildings away and I’m in need of something to eat after the long flight. I grab a bottle of water and a muffin and head back to my room. Tomorrow is going to be a big day for me. My first day as a college freshman. Not to mention the other things I need to get done.

I wanted to arrive a few days ago and get settled, but my parents insisted that I fly out this morning. The bookstore will be my first stop. I'm sure the line is going to be horrendous. After that, I need to head to the car dealership. My parents wanted to make sure that I had transportation so they bought me a new car. I offered to drive my car here, the brand new car they bought me two years ago, but they wouldn't allow that. Too dangerous. Finally, I want to make a trip to the grocery store. This is a new addition to my list after seeing the selections offered in the dining hall. I'm a picky eater and as much as I could stand to lose a few pounds, I might wither away if I don't pick up a few groceries to keep in the room.

I stop at the mailboxes on my way up to my room. I pull the envelope out of my purse and slide it in the outgoing mail slot. It should reach him faster now that I'm on the east coast. A day, maybe two. It depends on how often they pick up the mail. I can't imagine it's a daily task. I slide my key in the slot and open my mailbox. I pray that there's a letter waiting for me, but I find it empty. His last letter still has me on edge. I'm starting to question everything. It was the first time I felt completely disconnected from him. If a letter can make me feel that way... what's really going on? He promised to always write me back. He promised to always tell me the truth. This is the first time he's broken a promise to me. My imagination runs wild at the different reason why. I silence the crazy thoughts and try to focus on the present. I have enough to worry about. His letter is not at the top of my list today. It can't be.

I walk up the two flights of stairs to my room. Room 201. A one room, two-bed dorm that I'll share with another girl. A girl that I'll meet shortly I'm sure. I find my room easily. I requested one on the end so that it was a little bigger. Sliding the key in the lock, I listen as it disengages and then push the door open. It's exactly what I expected, only smaller.

I close the door behind me and as I'm standing in the middle of the room, I give myself a much-needed pep talk. I think I'm ready for this. It's all I've been thinking about for the last two years. Getting out of Pacific Grove and starting my own life. One that revolves around something other than people with money. I love my family, I enjoy the fact that I've never had to want for anything in my entire life, but I also hate being known as the plastic surgeon's daughter. Or, the rich girl. Everyone I went to high school with was from a wealthy family. Why was I the rich girl?

If I had to guess, it would be because there was nothing else about me that was interesting. There was no other way to describe me. Nothing else that defined me as a person.

Baggy jeans and a t-shirt were my standard wardrobe. Tennis shoes or flip flops depending on the weather. No makeup. Who was I trying to impress? No one. I didn't play sports and I wasn't part of any clubs. I didn't have time. Aside from Elliot, I didn't talk to anyone. I kept to myself. I kept my head down, worked hard, got good grades and focused on getting the hell out of there. That was my goal. Get into Yale, move across the country and find a way to start over, to reinvent myself.

The first part is going according to plan. Here I am. A freshman at the prestigious Yale University. On the other side of the country from the only place I've ever known as home. I didn't think I would miss it as much as I do right now, but I'm attributing that to nerves. That's the only thing I can think that it is. Unless it's the fact that I'm about to meet my dorm-mate.

My parents threw a fit when I told them I wanted to live in the dorms and have the full college experience. They were ready to shell out a boat-load of money to buy me my own condo or flat. I thought about it for a second but knew that I would become a recluse if I allowed them to do that for me. I can't let that happen. I need to broaden my horizons, according to Elliot, and meet new people. I think that's why he chose Cambridge instead of Yale. He knew that if we were here together that I wouldn't try to make friends. He's been my only real friend since we were kids. I've always had him, so I've never needed to have other friends.

Elliot and I grew up next door to each other. When I say that we were neighbors, I mean that in the sense that we had a football field of yard that separated our houses. We use to call it our own private playground. It was partially wooded so we had plenty to explore growing up. His little brother James use to follow us around and spy on us with his friends. I always thought it was cute, Elliot didn't.

Elliot’s the middle child. Luke was a year ahead of us in school and James has one year left then he'll join Elliot at Cambridge. I'm an only child. Just me. Always flying solo, no annoying siblings following me around or telling me what to do. I always hoped that my mother would change her mind about having another kid, but it didn't happen.

Thinking about Elliot and Luke makes me smile. I remember the good times that Luke and I had before he left. I think about the times Elliot almost caught us. My favorite memory has to be the night I snuck out his bedroom window. I came over earlier that night, while Elliot was out with Kylie. The plan was for me to leave before Elliot came home and we lost track of the time. We had no idea he was even home until he knocked on Luke’s bedroom door.

I almost screamed and blew our cover. Luke covered my mouth before any sounds came out. If Elliot hadn’t broken up with Kylie that night things would have gone according to plan. Instead, Luke ended up playing video games with Elliot that night and I ended up climbing out his window and spending the night alone in my room.

I hear the door handle jiggle, metal slides against metal and the door opens with a pop. I stand, leaving a dent in the mattress of the bed I had been sitting on. My bed, I think. Her things are already on the other side of the room. There's your typical Einstein poster on the wall above the headboard. Boxes are stacked in front of her dresser. We said that we would meet at 5 o'clock today to head to freshman orientation together. Glancing down at my watch, I see that she's five minutes early.

We are going to get along great.

A short, brown-haired girl with a huge smile on her face comes rushing towards me before I have the chance to move. She wraps her arms around me in a hug and squeezes as hard as she can.

"Reagan!" She squeals.

"Hi." I'm trying to be polite, Elliot said that I needed to be polite and friendly when I meet Felicity, but I hear the uncertainty in my voice. I'm uncomfortable.

She lets me go and studies me for a brief second. I'm in my standard uniform of jeans and a t-shirt. I have sandals on today because I knew it would be stifling on the plane. I push my glasses back on my nose and smile a tentative smile at her.

"Wow. You look really nervous right now." She pauses and I can't help but smile at her blatant honesty. "Are you ready to check this place out? Orientation starts in a half hour so we have time to roam around before we head to the student center if you want. I've been hanging out in the library most of the day so I can at least show you where that is."

"Sure." I've seen the library. I've been to the student center. I won't have a problem finding my way around campus. My parents and I took a tour when I came to visit last fall after I was accepted for early admission. I don't want to spoil it for her though so I let her lead the way.

Felicity talks my ear off until we reach the student center and orientation is under way. She's a bright girl. She's here on a full ride scholarship. Even I wasn't able to do that and my grades were top of my class. I'm glad she's here, though, and I can't wait to tell Elliot about her. I've been instructed to call him tonight and tell him all about my first day on campus.

I think he worries about me too much. I can handle this. I can make new friends. I can become the person I've always wanted to be but have been too scared of becoming. No one knows me here yet. I can be whoever I want to be. I can reinvent myself to the ends of the Earth and back if I want to. The only person who would even notice a change is Elliot and as much as his opinion matters to me, I need this. He knows that. I need this time away from home for me. To become who I want to be.

Felicity and I walk around campus after orientation and talk for hours. We both need to unpack, but it's the last thing on our minds. I spot a coffee shop and practically drag her inside. I place my order and let her step up to the counter. She doesn't order anything and I can't help but ask her why.

"Not a big coffee drinker? I thought I saw a coffee maker in the room."

"No, I love coffee. It's just..."

Her voice trails off and she doesn't finish her sentence. I don't push her because I can see that whatever I said has hit a nerve. I grab my coffee when they call my name and we walk back to our room in silence. Felicity immediately starts unpacking her things, stuffing her drawers full of clothing with her back to me. I open the first box I see and pull out the framed pictures that I had sent. What I didn't think to bring was a hammer and nails so that I could put them up on the wall.

"Hey, do you have a hammer and a nail that I can borrow? I didn't even think to pack one."

"I didn't bring one either. Sorry." Her voice cracks as she apologizes.

"What's wrong? If we're going to live together we need to talk to each other. I'm not really good at this sort of stuff, but I am a good listener." I walk toward her and take a seat on her bed. "I can tell that something is wrong. Did I say something wrong at the coffee shop? I'm really sorry if I did."

"It's not that," she whispers. "I don't know how to say this without sounding like a bitch."

"Then sound like a bitch. I promise to forgive you."

Felicity turns and I can see that she's been silently crying. Her face is blotchy and red, tear stains running down both sides. What the hell did I do to this girl? I want to hug her, but I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do or not.

"I'm not rich."

"So. What does that have to do with anything?"

"We're the opposite of rich. Literally the opposite. I wouldn't be here if everything wasn't covered. I need to find a job so that I can buy things like coffee or snacks to keep in here. My parents can't help me at all. I have five siblings at home that they need to provide for."

I feel bad for even walking into the coffee shop now. I forget that not everyone has a trust fund or a bank account that will never drop below a certain amount. Not everyone is as lucky as I am in that department.

"Without trying to offend you or sound like a bitch," I pause because that causes her to smile, "I don't care that you're not rich. I do have one rule, though."

"What do you mean you have a rule?"

"The only rule about living with me is this... if you ever need anything, big or small I don't care, and you can't afford it, you will ask me. My parents are the nicest people on the planet. Money doesn't matter to them as much as happiness. We are blessed to have money and they would be pissed at me if I let you go without. Understood?"

She thinks it over for a second before she nods her acceptance. I have a feeling that she'll never ask me for anything but the offer is there if she ever needs to take me up on it. Plus, I need someone to go out with if I ever get the nerve up to go out.

She stands and throws her arms around me. Apparently now is the time to hug. I'm going to have to remember that.

October 18, 2005

Luke,

It's been so long since I've heard from you. I'm not going to lie. I'm starting to worry about you a little. Elliot said that you were fine, but it also felt like he was trying to avoid the conversation. I need to know you're okay. Please write me back if you can. Or call. You can always call me. Even if you only have five minutes. I would love to hear your voice. I miss it. I miss hearing you say my name.

More than anything, I'm sad. I'm sad that you haven't written. Not hearing from you makes the heart ache ten times worse. I need something, anything. Please.

I'm not opposed to begging, obviously. There is so much that I want to tell you and I don't want to tell you in a letter. About school. About me. About the things, I've learned. I want to share my life with you. I don't even know if these letters are reaching you anymore. I hope they are. I hope you read them and know that I still feel the same about you as I did before you left. I hope you still feel the same about me.

Miss you.

XOXO

Reagan

December 6, 2005

Luke,

I went home for Thanksgiving and it wasn’t the same without you there. I was hoping that you might call while I was at your house but you didn’t. I had to excuse myself from the table after dinner to get some fresh air. My emotions were about to get the best of me and I don’t want Elliot asking questions.

I did take a chance and popped into your room. Elliot and James started a game of football in the backyard with our parents so I knew I had a few minutes. I may have borrowed a t-shirt out of your drawer. I’ll gladly return it to you the next time I see you.

When is that going to be? Your mom was saying that you aren’t coming home for Christmas either. I don’t want you to think that I’m not proud of you, or that I’m ungrateful about the fact that you’re serving our country. That’s honorable on so many levels. I just miss you and I want to see you.

XOXO

Reagan

STARING AT MYSELF in the mirror, I can't decide what I want to do first. It's been almost six months and I haven't even attempted to change who I am. This was supposed to be about reinventing myself, becoming the person I've always wanted to become. I need to start eventually. I think I'm afraid to lose the person that I am in the process. Reagan version 1.0 isn't a bad person. She just needs to be spruced up a bit.

I can't start talking about myself in the third person. Not even to myself. People will think that I'm crazy. I might even start to think that I'm crazy.

I keep telling myself that this has nothing to do with the fact that I haven't heard from Luke. Not one letter since school started. I check the mailbox every day hoping I will find a letter, one word, anything from him. It's been silent. Even Elliot hasn't mentioned him in a few months. I know he must be safe, alive, but I don't know anything more. He was deployed again shortly after I left Pacific Grove. Elliot wouldn't tell me where but judging by the tone of his voice and the way he was trying to avoid the conversation, it might not be some place safe. That hasn't stopped me from writing him like I always have. In fact, I have a letter that I need to mail to him sitting on my desk.

I shake my head and try to clear away thoughts of Luke. Out of nowhere it hits me. I have a plan. I know what I want to change, what I don't. I realize that I won't change what's inside, that I'll still be the girl who loves with all her heart. I'll still be the girl pining after the man that may never come home. I don't want to change those things about myself. What I want is to prove to myself, and to Luke the next time that I see him, that I am worth more than just one mind-blowing kiss. I want him to want me as much as I still want him.

The door bursts open and Felicity runs inside, kicking the door closed behind her as she strips down and searches for something to change into.

"Rushing off somewhere?" I ask as she pulls a thick sweater over her head.

"I have to be to work in less than five minutes. My exam took longer than I thought it would. I'm going to be late if I don't run." She's out of breath which tells me that she ran here from across campus already.

"Why don't you just call them and explain that you're going to be a few minutes late? I'm sure it's not a big deal. They know you're a student."

"It matters to me. I need this job, remember? I need the extra five minutes on my paycheck. I'm barely making it as it is."

Felicity took the first job she found. She works at the library as much as they'll allow. She spends almost all her time there, studying or working. If she could get paid to study, she would. I'm sure they pay like crap and I get that she needs this job, but I just wish we could hang out more. There's so much that's happened this past week that I want to tell her.

"What time are you out tonight? I was hoping that we could hang out. I had the funniest thing happen in class the other day and I want to tell you about it." I laugh out loud thinking about what happened. I want to blurt it out right now, but I know that she won't appreciate the story because she's preoccupied.

"I close down tonight so I should be home a little after midnight. If you wait up we can hang out for a bit. Gotta go." She doesn't wait for my response before rushing out the door she just came through, slamming it closed behind her.

I stare at the door for a few minutes after she leaves. I have at least six hours before she's going to be back. I have to find something to do. Turning back to the mirror, I have my answer. The glasses have to go. I drop Luke's letter in the mailbox on my way to my car.

I call my parents to let them know what's going on. They are always supportive of whatever I want to do and I love that about them. I wish they would ask why from time to time, question my judgment on some things, but they never do. My dad once told me that they raised me so well that he knows I will always make the right decisions for myself. If only he knew the motive behind this transformation... I don't think he would agree with my decision.

Two hours later and I'm headed back to the dorm, glasses in my purse, my eyes burning. Contacts are a huge pain in the ass. The doctor said that I would get used to them over time. I get that. What I don't understand is why it feels like my eyes are on fire. Will that ever go away?

I wait as long as I can before I take my contacts out and put my glasses back on. I wanted to show Felicity, but I felt like ripping my eyeballs out. I can show her tomorrow. Apparently, I'm supposed to wear them for a few hours a day, longer each day, until I feel comfortable with them. She'll see them eventually.

Right now, my eyes are hurting and tired. I lay down on my bed, turn on the TV and close them, listening to the news as I pass out. I hear Felicity come in at some point, but I don't bother to open my eyes. When I wake up in the morning, she's already gone. There's a note on the whiteboard we have on our door. She's at the library studying for an exam. I could have guessed that without the note.

I get ready for class, forcing myself to put my contacts in. They don't sting as much this morning. I'm grateful for that since I won't be able to take them out for at least the next six hours. Just in case they start to bother me, I stick my glasses in my bag before I head out the door.

My phone rings just as I'm about to enter the class. It's Elliot. It's been a pain in the ass getting him on the phone the last few months. We spent some time together over break when we were both home but since coming back east, we've both been really busy. I peek in the classroom to see that the professor hasn't arrived yet before answering his call.

"Hey, Elliot. My class is about to start. What's up?"

"Not a whole hell of a lot. Just wanted to say hi and see if you were still planning on coming here for spring break."

I forgot about that. I should go. I haven't been to see him yet. Plus, the shopping in New York City is amazing. I could get some new clothes. Someone can show me how to put makeup on. I might even go to the salon and have them do something drastic to my hair. My makeover could begin.

"Yep. I'll be up there Saturday or Sunday. Can I bring Felicity?" I'm not sure what her plans are but if she's not working, I would love for her to finally meet Elliot. I talk about him all the time. They are practically perfect for each other. Wait. They can't date. What if they broke up? I don't want to lose either of them.

"Sure. I would finally get to meet your infamous roommate. I was starting to wonder if she really existed." His voice is dripping with sarcasm.

"Funny. I'll let you know. Gotta go."

"Okay. I'll call you later." I hang up the phone and walk into class just as the professor starts his lecture. I take a seat in the back of the room for a change. I normally sit in the front row, but I don't want to draw attention to the fact that I was late by walking all the way to the front.

Class drags on. I draw up a plan for spring break in NYC. I haven't been there since we went to check out Columbia before Elliot applied. We had a blast in the city that weekend. It was Elliot, Luke and me. Luke was supposed to be our chaperone since he was the oldest. I don't think his parents realized that at only 20 months older than Elliot, Luke was the least responsible of the three of us. We spent a good amount of time roaming the city, finding cool places to hang out. Elliot tried to convince me to go shopping while I was there, but I ignored his pleas. Luke made fun of him after that for wanting to shop. I have a feeling that if I had wanted to shop, both of them would have been by my side, helping me pick out clothes the entire time.

Thinking about Luke sparks a fire within me that I thought was starting to die. The day he left Pacific Grove for boot camp a part of me went into hibernation. My heart stopped beating as I watched his parent’s car disappear down their driveway. I was left standing, alone, waving at the car. Elliot and James went with their parents to see Luke off. I tried to sneak a moment alone with him, but it never worked out.

He knew how I felt about him. I didn't need to say it one last time. My actions spoke for themselves. After that day in the woods, we were never the same. The nights we spent together only confirmed how we felt about each other. We didn't fight like brother and sister anymore. We didn't tease each other or pick. He never chased me again, but he did watch me. Like a hawk. The change was so noticeable that Elliot said something to me about it. He asked me if something happened. I had to lie to him. I didn't want him to know. I didn't want anyone to know.

I wasn't embarrassed. Why would I be? I had been fantasizing about Luke for at least three years at that point. He hit puberty and I took notice. I stopped thinking of him as a brother then. As he grew into a man, I couldn't help but want him even more. Luke had always been handsome, but something changed about him. At first, I thought that it was the way his body became toned or the little bit of facial hair that he let grow. I realized that it was his confidence that I found so sexy. He was sure of himself and the person he was becoming. I was still unsure about everything except the way he made me feel.

All the letters I’ve written him lately have gone unanswered. That's not why I write them. I write them because I want him to remember me, to remember the way it felt that day. I want that kiss to have as much of an impression on him as it did on me.

SPRING BREAK SNUCK up on me. I forgot to ask Felicity if she wanted to go with me. She picked up extra shifts at the library to cover for the people who were going to be gone. I was on my own for a week. A week in NYC with my best friend. I couldn't wait to see what Elliot would say when he saw the new me.

I scheduled an appointment at a salon before I left town. The stylist was fantastic. She helped me figure out what the best look for me would be. She put layers in my hair, lightened it underneath and made it darker on top. I wasn't sure if I was going to like it, but it turned out amazing.

Once I made it to the city, I stopped at the first clothing store I came across. I bought a few things that I thought would look nice. I made sure that they fit me better than the clothes that I was currently wearing. I changed in my car before heading to Elliot's. He wasn't expecting me for a few more hours, but I couldn't wait. I was too excited to see him. I was excited to show him the new me, the improved version of myself that I had been working on over the last few months.

He said that he noticed a difference in me over Christmas break. I told him it was all because of Felicity. She's helped me open up. I actually try to talk to people. In high school, I stayed as far away from others as I could. I didn't feel like I needed anyone else because I always had Elliot. I still have him and I have Felicity. I also have a study group in a few of my classes and a few people that I talk to outside of class.