Текст книги "Next"

Автор книги: Rachael Brownell

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I'M NOT SURE what to say to Luke so I don't say anything at all. I can feel his eyes on me, but I resist the urge to make eye contact. I keep my eyes trained on the ceiling. If I look at him I know I'll lose it.

"There's more, Reagan. There's so much more that I need to tell you, that you deserve to know." I feel Luke push himself up and off the couch. I don't move.

"Does any of it matter anymore? We were kids, Luke. So much has changed since then." I want to know everything, but I'm emotionally drained. His being here has caused the large hole in my heart to grow even bigger. I can't take it.

"Some things have changed, you're right. Others things seem to be the same." His voice is softer than it was before. I sit up and find him standing near the doors to the patio, staring out at the ocean. "You. You've changed, but you're still the same. Elliot told me that you had changed, that I wouldn't recognize you, but he was wrong. I would be able to pick you out of any crowd, no matter what you look like."

"I'm still the same person I've always been I just bought some new clothes and put a little life into my hair." I'm defending myself. Why? Isn't this what I wanted? Isn't this why I made all these changes, to impress Luke?

"You look beautiful, Reagan. You would look beautiful in a potato sack, though. You didn't need to change a thing about you. It doesn't change how I feel about you."

"It changes how I feel about me. I was sick of being the girl no one cared about. The one who was dismissed because she wore jeans and a t-shirt instead of pretty dresses. The one who didn't want to take the time to put makeup on or do something fancy with her hair every day. People never took notice of me." I stand, my words growing stronger and stronger, and make my way towards him, stopping at a safe distance. "I was an extension of Elliot and nothing else. I was Elliot's friend. Now I'm Reagan. People don't have to associate me with Elliot or anyone else. I'm my own person. People want to know me. Guys want to date me." The words are out of my mouth before I think about what I'm saying.

Luke's head falls to his chest. I hear him sigh before looking back out at the ocean. The Pacific is rocky tonight. I can hear the waves crashing ashore through the open door. Fitting. My mood is in tune with the ocean. I now understand what people mean when they say they feel a "sea of emotions" because that about covers it right now.

I'm angry. I'm confused. I'm sad. I'm happy. All of those roads lead back to the man standing in the open doorway with his back to me. The man that I've been in love with for as long as I can remember. The man who walked back into my life today after ten years of silence. The silence is what hurts the most.

"Reagan, that day in the woods... it's all I think about. You. You are all I think about. Elliot knew how I felt. He tried time and time again to convince me to come and see you, to call you. I couldn't and I'm sorry. I know now that I should have. I wasted so many years wanting to be with you but too afraid to make the decision."

"What about now?"

"I'm still scared. I'm afraid that I'll ruin you. I'm afraid that you'll hate the person I've become. I'm afraid that it won't last. That scares me the most. I can't imagine not having you in my life. You've always been a part of it." My heart yearns to be closer to him, but I will my feet to stay put.

"Ten years, Luke. It's been ten years since I've seen you. I haven't been a part of your life in ten years. Why now? Something made you change your mind."

"Elliot."

I close my eyes at the mention of his name. Even though he's gone, he's still finding a way to impact my life. "What about Elliot? I thought you two were fighting."

"We were. I called him back that afternoon to apologize. I told him I bought a ticket and was at the airport on my way home. I wanted to meet Felicity and I thought it was about time to make things right with you. He was ecstatic. It was going to be a big surprise for the whole family. James called me just as I was about to board the plane to tell me that Elliot had been in an accident. He was gone before the plane took off. I didn't tell James I was on my way home. I hid out in a hotel near the airport for a few days before heading over to my parents’ house. I was ashamed of how I had been acting. I was ashamed that I hadn't been home in years. I drove right past the house and kept going. I couldn't face them. I knew I had to eventually but I couldn't do it yet.

"I drove for a while, sorting out my thoughts. When I got back to the hotel I had made my decision. I was going to see you first and then I would go see them. I was worried about you and needed to know that you were okay. I knew there was a chance that you might not want to see me, that you might not care about me anymore even though Elliot insisted that you still loved me. I was pulling up to the house and saw him walking up your driveway. I watched as you let him in, a fake smile on your face. I thought about stopping anyway, interrupting whatever was going on, but my doubt crept in and I drove away.

"I'm lost right now, Reagan. I still love you, but I don't want to hurt you. You deserve so much better than me. You deserve someone who won't run when things get tough. I also can't let you go. I tried. I hated myself for so long after that. I knew I was hurting you, but I did it anyway hoping that you would move on." He pauses and takes a deep breath. "Have you?"

"I wrote you." Three words. I keep my voice flat, free of emotion the best I can. I need to know why.

"I know. I read every single letter." He turns and faces me as he speaks. I wait for him to say more, but he doesn't. He stares at me, waiting for me to ask him the question that's been on my mind since I first saw him again this afternoon.

"Why, Luke? Why didn't you write me back?"

"I thought you'd never ask." He slowly makes his way to the front door, brushing his arm against mine as he passes. My body betrays me and shudders from his touch. I hear Luke open the front door and close it again. I can feel him in the room so I know he hasn't left. When I feel him approach from behind, I turn. "These are for you."

Luke drops a brown paper bag overflowing with envelopes onto the coffee table between us. I can see my name printed on the envelope on the top of the pile. He wrote me. A lot.

"Read them, or don't. If you want answers, they're in there. I wrote you once a week that first year. After that, I wrote you once a month. The letter on the very top I wrote before I left North Carolina, after the conversation you overheard between me and Elliot. It's all there. Every answer you need is in these letters." His phone starts ringing in his pocket, but he ignores it. It's playing my favorite song. Halestorm's Here's To Us. I wonder if he knows that.

"I don't know what to say. I want answers, but I'm afraid too. I'm afraid I won't like the answers." The fact that he wrote me makes my heart ache. I'm torn between jumping in his arms and smacking him across the face for never sending them. "You disappeared, without any explanation. I was worried. I love you, Luke. You have no idea what I went through when your letters stopped arriving. You were overseas. Elliot wasn't volunteering any information."

"I asked him not to. I was trying to let you go so that you could live your life. I told you not to wait for me, but I knew you would. I knew because I was waiting for you. I was waiting for us."

"And then you gave up."

"I never gave up. I thought I was giving you the easy out, the option. I never thought you would hold on this long. I never imagined that you loved me as much as I love you. It just didn't seem possible."

"I did. You would have known that if you hadn't tried to push me away. You disappeared, Luke. I've compared every man I've ever met to you. Every man I've ever kissed." My anger at him is growing with each word I speak. How dare he make that decision for me. "No one has ever compared and no one ever will. You have ruined me in more ways than you'll ever know. I've tried, many times, to push past you, to forget the way you make me feel. It's impossible. Every time I think I've moved on someone mentions your name and I'm right back where I started. At the beginning. That scared girl in high school who was madly in love with her neighbor for longer than he even realized. I'm that silly girl who wanted to share all her firsts with the boy next door. In many ways, she's still waiting for him but he's never coming back. That boy is long gone. It's his memory that I'm holding on to these days. The memories we created together. The man he's become is a scared shell of the person he used to be, the one who radiated confidence and went after what he wanted. I'm looking for that boy again, the grown up version of him."

Luke listens to every word I say without interrupting. Once I finish I wait for him to say something, anything. His face remained stoic while I yelled at him. He took the verbal lashing, either assuming that I needed to get it off my chest or knowing that he deserved it. For me, it was a little bit of both. I didn't go easy on him. I let it all out, I needed to, but he didn't deserve the amount of hatred that I heard in my voice. I could never hate him. My love for him runs too deep.

"I'm sorry, Reagan." He steps around the coffee table and stands right in front of me. He's slightly taller than I remember. "I'm going to kiss you and then I'm going to leave. I'm telling you this because I don't want you to think that I'm running. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be back tomorrow and we can talk some more if you want. Until then, I need for you to remember one thing."

"What's that?" I ask, staring directly at his chest, afraid to look up. There are tears threatening to fall from my eyes. The last thing I want to do is cry. I've done enough of that in the last few days.

"I love you, Reagan. I always have and I always will. No matter how this ends, know that I will always love you. It's your decision where we go from here, though. I won't make that decision for you." He tilts my chin up and our eyes meet. I see the sorrow in his eyes, the brown around his irises the lightest shade I've ever seen. He leans down and softly kisses me on the lips and then he's gone.

The sound of the door closing behind him echoes through the house. I'm completely alone. I allow one tear to fall before I take a deep breath and put on my brave face. I stare down at the bag of letters on the table. I want to read them, all of them, but my heart aches at the thought of getting answers that I won't like.

You can do this. Suck it up buttercup.

I slowly take each letter out and put them in piles on the table. I grab a glass of wine and attempt to prepare myself. I reach for the first letter and slide my finger under the flap, popping the seal loose. I pull out the letter and read the first line. That's when I realize that no amount of preparation, or wine, will ever be able to prepare me for this.

September 20, 2005

Gracie,

I know you hate it when I call you that but the meaning behind it is true. I don't know if you remember why I call you that or not. Hopefully, you do. You're my angel fallen from grace. You are a beautiful creature, inside and out. I am the luckiest man alive just to know you.

I got your last letter and I feel like I need to clarify a few things.

1. I DO NOT regret that night or that kiss. I didn't stay because I was afraid you would regret it if I did. I wanted you then and I want you now. Please don't doubt that.

2. You DID NOT push me to do anything I hadn't been wanting to do for a really long time.

3. Someday things will be different. I PROMISE!

4. The next time you see me I will say more to you than hello or goodbye. I'm not sure when that will be or what I'll say but I would never be able to just say hello and I will never be able to tell you goodbye.

Reagan, I love you more than words will ever be able to describe. I want to show you how much I love you. I want to call you and attempt to tell you. I can't do either. It's not fair to you. I don't want you to keep holding onto me when I have no idea who I'll be on the other side of this journey I'm on.

This place changes you. It makes you realize who you want in your life and what you want to hold onto. I've realized how important you are to me, how much my heart yearns to be near you. It's also hardened my heart. I've seen things that I can't unsee. I've learned things about myself that I don't like.

I'm not the same person I was last year. I'll never be that person again and my fear is that you won't love the person I've become. That's my greatest fear. That's why I'm letting you go. One day we will meet again. When that day comes, my only hope is to find that you're happy and healthy.

I love you, Reagan. I think I always have and I know I always will. I may own a piece of your heart, but you own all of mine. That will never change. When I do see you again, my actions will speak for me.

Always in my heart,

Luke

April 1, 2006

Reagan,

I don't know what to say to you. I just got off the phone with Elliot. He was being an asshole. I asked about you and he freaked out on me. He started asking questions. I know we promised not to tell him but it might be time. He's not stupid. I think he's putting two and two together.

I'm not ashamed that I love you. We shouldn't have to hide it from him. I won't tell him without your permission though and since I'm too afraid to send these letters to you, I'll never tell him. It'll be up to you. If you decide that one day you want to tell him, you have my permission. He might take it better coming from you anyway. He's always had a soft spot for you. You're the sister he always wanted but never had. He was stuck with two brothers that constantly picked on him for having a girl for a best friend.

He was the lucky one. He had you. He still does.

Always in my heart,

Luke

December 24, 2007

Reagan,

I bought you a gift a few weeks ago. I was going to bring it home with me and then I chickened out. I made it all the way to the airport, checked in for my flight and went through security. I listened as they called for passengers to start boarding. I was frozen in place. I watched as they shut the gate and the plane departed.

I want to see you. I want to hold you. More than anything. If I'm going to let you move on, I can't see you though. I know it's been over three years, but it feels like just yesterday I promised myself that I would let you live your life.

Elliot said that you changed your hair. I'm sure it looks amazing. He also told me that you've been acting different lately. I'm not judging you, but he says that you've been dating a lot. His exact words were something like "she's going through boyfriends faster than I go through underwear." I'm worried about you. Please don't do anything you can't take back. Regret is a funny thing. Trust me. There is so much that I regret.

Not sending my letters for one. Avoiding going home. Avoiding seeing you. My biggest regret is not telling you the truth about how I feel. There are so many things that I wish I could change, do over, but I know that I can't.

I'll find a way to make all of this up to you, Reagan. I promise.

Merry Christmas!

Always in my heart,

Luke

January 18, 2008

Reagan,

You still love me. When your letters stopped coming I assumed you moved on, no matter what Elliot would tell me. After talking to him on his way home from your place last night, I know that you love me. At least, according to Elliot who was pressing me for answers.

Don't worry. I didn't tell him anything. He needs to hear it from you.

He was angry, Reagan, and maybe a bit confused. Whoever Preston is has him on edge. Does he really look that much like me? Elliot thinks you're looking for me, that you're trying to replace me. I hope that's not the case. I hope you never replace me with another man. I understand why he would think that, though.

There was a girl – I'm sorry, I know you aren't going to want to hear this – last year that I tried to date. She was sweet and innocent like someone else I know. Her eyes... that's what really got me. They were so similar to yours that I got lost in them. It was like I was looking at you if I stared at her long enough. Her hair was even a close match.

I made it two dates before I had to break all ties with her. It was too weird. She was you, but she wasn't. Her physical features were similar, but that's where it ended. I don't want a stand-in Reagan. I want the real thing because no one will ever be able to compare to you. No one gets me like you do. No one turns me on like you do. Sorry, that may have been a little bit of an over share.

The point is, I think it's time to tell Elliot. I wish I had the courage to send you this letter so that you knew. When you're ready, when the time feels right, I know that you'll tell him.

Always in my heart,

Luke

May 25, 2014

Reagan,

This is my final letter to you. I'm on my way home. I'm on my way to see you. I'm actually sitting in the airport right now waiting for my plane to board. Once I seal this envelope, I'll place it in the bag with the rest of them. I'm bringing them all with me, to give to you. I owe you an explanation and I'm not sure that words will be enough. I think the letters will help you. Writing them has helped me.

Elliot put everything in perspective for me this afternoon. He's the reason that I'm finally coming home. He says that you're miserable. All I've ever wanted for you is to be happy. It seems I've had the opposite effect on you than I intended to have. Letting you go was supposed to be a good thing for you. I was trying to be selfless. I screwed that up and I'm so sorry. I plan to spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you'll let me.

I love you, Reagan Elaine Brooks. By the time you read this letter, I hope I've shown you how much I love you and have loved you for the last ten years. I have a decade to make up for and I'm going to start as soon as my plane lands. I hope you're ready.

Always in my heart,

Luke

I NEED TO TAKE a break. With every new letter I read my emotions run wild. To know that Luke was thinking about me all these years... I don't know what to do with that information. My hope was that one day we would be together. When I dreamt about him I always wished that he was dreaming of me as well. To know that he was, that I was on his mind as much as he was on mine, is surreal.

It spins a whole new perspective on things.

I change my clothes and make my way down to the beach. My plan is to run, but my body has other ideas. The sleepless nights and stressful days are getting to me. Instead, I walk and think of Elliot. I let my mind wander as I stare at the beautiful homes that are along the water.

Money. Success. None of it really matters. Happiness and the people you surround yourself with, the people that you share your life with, the people you love. That's what matters in life. It's not what you have it's how you live.

I take a seat and stare out into the darkness. I'm not sure what time it is, but the sun has been down for hours. There's a chill in the air and my skin pebbles as a breeze blows off the water. I rub my hands up and down my arms to warm myself when I feel someone standing behind me.

The hairs on the back of my neck stand up until I hear his voice. I let out the breath I was holding and shake my head.

"What are you doing down here?"

"You happen to stop in front of my house and take a seat on the sand so I thought I would join you." Will wraps a blanket around my shoulders as he takes a seat in the sand next to me. "I took that as a sign that you might need to talk."

We do need to talk, but I don't think he's going to like what I have to say. Will's been chasing me for years and his timing has always been horrible. This time is no different. I was ready to give him a chance, to really try and make it work this time. Luke showing back up made my head spin in circles and his letters have caused an ache in my chest that I don't think will ever go away.

"I do need to talk to you but I don't think now is a good time." I look over at him but can't see his expression. There's a porch light shining brightly behind him and no matter how hard I squint, I can't make our more than the structure of his cheeks.

"I'm guessing this has something to do with the guy that was at your house earlier."

"Um. That was Elliot's brother, Luke. How did you know I had company?" Was he spying on me? What did he see? What did he hear?

"I came over a few hours ago to check on you and I heard you yelling."

"I had no idea. You didn't knock." I wish I knew exactly what he heard when he was there. I've never talked about Luke with Will. There was never a reason to.

"I walked so I was coming up the back and when I reached the top step of the porch I heard you. It didn't look like he was hurting you so I didn't stay. Is everything alright?" His concern for my well-being makes my heart ache. I never intended to hurt Will, it was the farthest thing from my mind, but I knew this day would come and I should have prepared myself better. I should have prepared him for it. I should have told him about Luke.

Who am I kidding? I could barely bring myself to tell Elliot all those years ago. I would never have told Will if Luke hadn't shown up.

"I'm managing. Thanks for asking."

"I'm worried about you."

"I know. I'll get through this." I get the feeling he's not referring to Elliot or the funeral. He knows more than he's letting on.

"Is there anything I can do? Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't think so but thank you." I'm going to have to talk about it with him eventually. No matter what decisions I make, I'm going to have to let go of Will. If I choose Luke, if I pursue him after everything is said and done, I'm going to have to tell Will everything. If I don't choose Luke, I'll probably still let Will go and he'll want answers. It's not fair to him to keep him in the dark. I push myself off the sand and wipe my hands on my shorts. "I'm going to head back to the house. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Do you want company?"

I cringe before quickly forcing a smile. Hopefully, he couldn't see my face. "Not tonight."

"Okay. Goodnight then." Will stands and pulls me in for a hug. I resist the urge to push him away and instead wrap my arms around him. It'll be the last time. I let him savor the moment before I pull back and start back towards my house. "Reagan," he calls.

"Yeah," I stop and turn towards him.

"Do you still love him?"

He must have listened longer than he let on if he's asking me that question. I wish I had an answer for him, but I don't. I wish I had the courage to tell him everything. "I don't know."

Without waiting for a response, I turn my back to him and head home. There are more letters waiting for me, but I don't think I'm up to reading them tonight. I need to figure out how I feel about Luke and what I want before I read anymore. I won't let this be about him. The only way to separate the two would be to make a decision without knowing everything.

I rinse the sand off of me in the shower and head to bed.

I grab my phone and listen to my voice mails. Felicity called me twice earlier. She sounds depressed. I'd already planned to visit her in the morning so I'll talk to her then. They are planning on releasing her in a few days. Her parents tried to convince her to go back home with them, but she's putting up a fight. She wants to stay here. I love her for that, but I want her to be happy too.

There are memories of Elliot here. I see him everywhere I turn. I know she will too. This is the place they met for the first time. The place where they fell in love. I'm barely holding it together. She's always been stronger than me in so many ways. I hope for her sake that this is one of those times that her strength shines through.

Sleep eludes me for most of the night. I move to the couch and turn on the television. The letters are calling to me. I read one, cry my eyes out and then try to sleep. The cycle repeats itself until the sun comes up. My eyes are bloodshot and have dark circles under them. I can hide the imperfections with makeup but not the eyes. They tell the world my story.

Felicity is sleeping when I finally make it to the hospital. Against my better judgment, I read a few more letter before taking a shower. I had a meltdown. I let it all out. I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn't.

I answer a few work emails while I wait for Felicity to wake up. Her parents are nowhere to be found which I'm grateful for. I'm sure her mother would be concerned with the way I look right now. I don't need for her to worry about me. She needs to focus all her energy on her own daughter.

"You look like shit," Felicity says, her voice still groggy from sleep.

"You didn't even want to try and sugar-coat that?" Her smile lights up the room and she pushes herself into a sitting position. "I tried to hide it with makeup, but apparently I didn't do a very good job."

"You covered your face just fine, but I know you better than that. Your posture gave you away. You never slouch your shoulders forward unless you're sad."

Damn! I didn't realize I had a tell. Leave it to Felicity to wait this long to point it out.

"What can I say? You hide your emotions better than I do."

"Not really. I'm having a good day. That's the reason I tried calling you a few times last night. Where were you?"

Let the inquisition begin...

"Luke showed up."

There is a mix of emotions that cross her face in less than a second. I see shock and sorrow. Joy and agony. By the time she gets control of herself, her uncertainty is all that's left. I let my words sink in for another second before I continue.

"I'm okay if you were wondering."

"You're here so there's that."

"Yes. I got out of bed this morning, or rather off the couch. I didn't sleep because I couldn't get my brain to shut off and I skipped my morning run but otherwise I'm fine."

"What did he have to say? What was it like seeing him again?" She's starting to rapid fire questions so I put my hands up in protest.

"One question at a time. It was weird seeing him, talking to him. It was almost like no time had passed but at the same time it felt like I was talking to a complete stranger. He's different. Not in a good or bad way, just different." I pause, giving her a second to catch up. I'm not sure my words make any sense to her. When she nods, I continue. "He apologized. That's about all. I yelled a bit, he explained a bit. Nothing really came out of the situation to be honest with you. I'm just as confused this morning as I have been for years."

"I wondered if he would try to talk to you. James came to visit a few days ago and said that he was going to be at the funeral. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't want to get your hopes up in case he didn't show. I was worried about you when you didn't answer last night."

"I'm sorry. I didn't hear my phone ring. After he left I went for a walk and didn't think to bring it with me." Felicity is chewing on her bottom lip and avoiding eye contact. That's her tell. Something is on her mind and she's afraid to say it. "Out with it. What are you thinking about?"

"Will." I cringe when I hear his name. "Have you at least talked to him?"

"I ran into him on the beach last night. I promised him I would call him today, but I don't have an answer for him yet. I'm supposed to talk to Luke today, too. He leaves tomorrow night to head back east and I have at least a hundred letters to read still."

"Letters?" Felicity's curiosity is peeked. I wasn't going to mention the letters.

We talk for another hour before the doctor comes in. I end up giving her the play by play of what happened last night from the time Luke showed up to the time I woke up this morning. I share a little bit of what's in the letters I've read so far with her. She acts as my sounding board as we bounce options back and forth as to what I could do, what I should do and what I want to do.

By the time I head back to the house, I still haven't made a decision. I contemplate my options the entire way home. I can try and make things work with Luke, picking up where we left off, giving us the chance that we've both wanted for all these years. I would have to forgive him completely. I'm not sure I'm ready to do that or capable of doing that right now.

I can accept Luke's apology and we can try and start fresh. We're both different people than we were back then. We've grown up but have we grown apart? Both of those options require one of us to move. I'm not willing to try and make things work, starting over or not, from a distance.

Or, lastly, we can try and be friends and nothing more. I'm not sure I was built to be just friends with Luke. There was a time, before puberty, that I saw him as just a friend, but that was so long ago. I'm not sure I even remember what it's like to not have feelings for him.

I have Will to consider in all of this too. The only option that includes Will is if Luke and I try to be friends. There's no room for him in my life otherwise. Do I want him in my life, though? Hasn't he just been a fill-in like the others? If I have Luke, do I really need Will?