Текст книги "A Real Disaster"

Автор книги: Molly Ryan

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A REAL DISASTER
By Molly Ryan

Chapter One

There was one problem about being a good girl. One single thing that I can pin point almost immediately: Good girls hardly ever do anything. How would I know? Because I’m a good girl, of course. I’ve been a good girl my whole life, from my first ‘A’ in kindergarten to becoming the valedictorian of my graduating class.

People ask me all the time why I was a good girl. Didn’t I want to have fun? Didn’t I want to have a life? Didn’t I want to fall in love and have more memories? These were the questions that they would ask and I would answer the same way. Of course I want all of that. That’s all I ever wanted but it just never happened. The girls I knew who weren’t good girls were usually the ones who ended up pregnant and alone. They were the ones that contracted STDs and the one’s whose names and numbers were on the stalls of the boy’s bathroom. So as much as I hated being a good girl, it was easier to do so. There was no drama if I was a good girl. However, college changes everything.

* * *

The campus was crowded with people… Almost overcrowded. Kids and their parents were everywhere. Every time I turned there was another rolling luggage passing me by or two friends hugging hello after a long summer away. I, on the other hand, had nothing but a duffel bag and a nervous smile for everyone else. I guess that’s what happens when you’re a freshman and thousands of miles away from home.

I adjusted the strap of the bag on my shoulder and steeled my back, standing straight. I wouldn’t show fear, I couldn’t. If I showed any type of fear the vultures of the college would eat me alive. That’s what I thought anyway. So instead, I pulled my mouth into a full smile and began to look people in the eye.

“Hello,” I said to one person. “Hey,” I said, turning to another. Both people stared at me, their eyes wide.

Great, now I look like some kind of freak.

Great job Lily.

I kept the smile on my face but I shifted away from the girls and grabbed the map in my pocket. Studying the page, I used my finger and traced a path from where I was to my new dorm. My furniture and rest of my clothes were already there waiting for me. So was my roommate, the roommate I had only spoken to on the phone a couple of times. We never met up, never introduced ourselves, nothing. I took a deep breath and headed towards the dorms.

My hands shook as I approached the door of my dorm. It was closed and I took the key out of my pocket, inserting it into the lock and turning. The lock clicked open and the door swung to the side. I was greeted with an army of My Little Pony staring at me from one of the dresses. The neon colored plastic ponies stood in three straight lines.

Oh. My. God.

I walked through the threshold.

This cannot be happening.

It was my luck to be stuck with the child of the dorm house. Obviously I had drawn the short straw.

“Welcome!” a cheery voice greeted me. “You must be Lily! It is so nice to meet you! I am Sabrina! I am so excited!”

Sabrina took my hand, shaking it so hard that the rest of my body shook with it.

“I hope you don’t mind but I took the bed on the left. My bed at home is on the left of my room so taking it kind of made me feel better.”

I stared at Sabrina not saying a word. “Oh but if you like the bed on the left I can move. I don’t want to start off on the wrong foot because of a silly thing such as the bed.”

It’s official. Her rambling made it obvious that she was nervous.

Glad I wasn’t the only one.

“It’s fine,” I told her. “I don’t care which bed I get. As long as it’s clean and accessible, that’s all I need.”

“Great!” Sabrina exclaimed.

I slipped past Sabrina and walked over to where my rolling luggage was waiting. Kneeling down, I unzipped it and started moving the clothes from the luggage into the one empty dresser, all the while avoiding looking at the My Little Pony dolls.

I had to figure out some way of getting rid of those things.

“So what do you like to do?” I heard Sabrina ask.

I could hear springs squeaking as Sabrina sat down on her bed.

“Read, listen to music, study.”

I kept my answers short and simple hoping that it would deter Sabrina from talking anymore so I could unpack and get settled.

No such luck.

“That’s it? Seriously that’s all you do?”

I nodded.

“But…how?”

“What do you mean how?” I asked as I faced my new roommate. “It’s not that hard.”

“I don’t think that it’s hard,” Sabrina said sputtering.

I had shocked her, obviously.

“It sounds… Boring. Haven’t you ever gone to a party? Had a drink?”

“No, and I don’t want to.”

This time Sabrina outright laughed.

“You don’t want to?” she asked. “That has to be a joke. You’re pulling my leg, aren’t you?”

“No I’m not,” I said. “I don’t drink or party. I don’t see the point…”

“The point is that you socialize! You meet other people and make friends. Maybe even get yourself a boyfriend, or at least a good hook up.”

“Why? So I can end up pregnant or carrying a disease?” I rolled my eyes. “That’s exactly what I want to do.”

Sabrina sat there, staring at me with her mouth hanging open.

“Are you telling me that you’ve never kissed a guy? Never had sex?”

“I’ve kissed guys,” I said. “Plenty of them.”

Actually, it was one. I kissed one single guy my entire life and it wasn’t even someone that I had feelings for. Back in tenth grade, when I was nearing my sixteenth birthday, I decided that I was sick of waiting for ‘Mr. Right’ to sweep me off my feet.

I was officially the only one of my friends and probably even in my grade that had never kissed someone else on the lips at the time. Some people thought it was admirable but most of them made fun of me, snickering behind my back. They thought I was a freak and I started to believe them.

So one Friday after school I asked my friend Steve, a kid I had known since we were in diapers, to kiss me. I wanted to get it over and stop being the ‘freak’. Steve wholeheartedly agreed and I was sure it was mostly because of the massive crush he had on me. The kiss was wet and sloppy but I wouldn’t have traded it for the world. I had finally gotten my first kiss and I wouldn’t be the ‘freak’ anymore.

Although I still was.

“What about sex? Have you had sex?” Sabrina asked. I shook my head. “Have you even sucked a dick?”

This time my lip curled and I gagged.

“Gosh, are we seriously having this conversation?” I asked. “But, no. It’d definitely have to be the right guy because it sounds disgusting.”

Sabrina rolled her eyes.

“It’s not that bad,” she informed me. “When the guy is hard, which he usually always is, it’s fun. It’s like having an ice cream cone. First you start at the top and swirl your tongue over the tip. Guys like it if you stick your tongue right in the little hole at the top. I’ve heard that doing that to them feels the same as if they ate us out. It drives the guys crazy.”

I put my hand up but Sabrina continued still.

“Then you have to start on the shaft. You put your lips on his head and make your way down. Guys like when you put it in as far as you can. Some even like it if you gag on it. It makes them even more excited.”

“Sabrina stop,” I said and put my hand to my stomach.

 I felt nauseous and I looked around for a garbage pail to throw up in. There wasn’t one.

“What?” she said. “Too much for you?”

“A little,” I admitted.

“What are you, a prude?”

The words felt like a slap and I actually skittered back from my roommate.

“No,” I said hotly. “But, I’m not that kind of girl. I don’t do those things. I have school to worry about so I can keep my scholarship.”

“So you’re a freak?”

There it was, the ‘freak’ word again. It seemed like I couldn’t get away from the damn word. But unlike when I was sixteen, this time the word didn’t bother me.

“Sure, why not,” I said.

I’m the freak and yet she has a My Little Pony collection?

I kept my mouth shut. There was no point of getting into that with my roommate. I didn’t have time for the drama that surrounded roommates not liking each other. I had a G.P.A. to keep up.

“Whatever.”

Sabrina frowned and then immediately forced her face flat.

“My mom told me that frowning caused wrinkles earlier. I can’t wrinkle my face.”

“Why not?”

She looked at me as if I was an idiot.

“Because I’m going to be an actress,” Sabrina said. “Duh.”

Of course she was going to be an actress.

That’s exactly why she was in college.

How could I not have known that already?

Refraining from rolling my eyes, I turned back to my clothes and continued to unpack. This was going to be a long, long year.

* * *

What the hell was I thinking?

I sat in my dorm room staring at the wall. Classes didn’t start for another week and I was stuck here, in the cramped room, with absolutely nothing to do. I had no friends, I didn’t know where anything was, nothing. Basically I was screwed.

My hands itched to pick up the phone and dial my house number. My parents would come and pick me up, that I was sure of, and they would let me stay with them until the classes started. That’s what they wanted me to do to begin with. But I couldn’t call them, I wouldn’t. If I called them they would lecture me about how they were right and I was wrong.

So there I sat, bored and alone, while my roommate flittered about. Since the moment she unpacked, nearly two days ago, I hadn’t seen her for more than a couple of hours. She only came back to the room when she needed to sleep or change her clothes. I didn’t mind, though. The less I saw of her the better.

We were complete opposites. The best part about her being gone is that I could put a towel over her precious My Little Pony dolls. Their eyes freaked me the hell out and they looked perverted, staring at me as I changed. They had to go and I had to find some way of doing it.

Getting off the bed, I moved to my desk and started to organize the books and pencils around it. I would need to make labels for the hanging file folders, pick up post-it notes and highlighters, and a recorder before I would be able to step into the classroom. Was I obsessive?

Maybe.

I liked things in order… I liked knowing where things were and knowing that they would be there when I looked for them. As I organized the desk, there was a knock on the door.

Who could that be? No one in the dorm knew me and I hadn’t introduced myself to anyone. The knocking persisted and I slid from the seat, shuffling to the door. Turning the handle, I pulled the door open.

“Can I help you?” I asked in my most bored tone.

There was a guy standing there, fliers in his hands, his hair flopping over to one side covering his ice blue eyes.

“You’re new, right?” the guy asked me.

Considering that I was in the freshman dorms, I thought that the question was stupid. Of course I was new.

“No I’m not new,” I answered. “I like staying in the freshman dorms.”

 Instead of the guy turning away like I hoped he would, he laughed, throwing his head back.

“You’re funny,” he said.

He held out his hand.

“I’m Turner. Turner Schmidt. I’m a sophomore here at Kingston University.”

After a moment I shook his hand.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Lily. Lily Williams.”

“Welcome Lily Williams to Kingston University.”

He handed me a flyer and I scanned the contents.

“There’s a concert this weekend, kind of like a welcome back to school thing. I hope you can come.”

“I’ll see if I can make it,” I said even though I knew I wouldn’t go.

I didn’t need a concert welcoming me to school in an attempt to make me feel included.

“I won’t make any promises though. I’m pretty busy right now.”

We could both see through the lie but Turner smiled anyway.

“Well I hope that you can come. It’s going to be a lot of fun,” Turner said.

He shuffled the papers around and then looked at me.

“I have to go finish handing these things out. See you around?”

“Yeah, see you around,” I said.

I watched him trot down the hall before I closed the door and returned to my desk. I laid the flyer down and stared at it.

Don’t start your new school year off with a thud…start it off with ROCK!

The beginning of school only comes once a year so let’s make it a great one!

The Banger Boys are performing, one night only, to begin this school year right.

FREE BOOZE to anyone and everyone! Come get a drink and bust a move!

August 31 at 9 p.m. on the great lawn. Be there or forever be known as a loser!

Don’t be square…rock out!

The flier was kind of lame. Whatever printer it was printed off of was running out of ink and the colors were dull and faded. I could barely make out the words and the paper itself was crumpled.

“Like I would be caught dead at some rock concert. Yeah, right.”

Crumpling up the paper, I tossed it into the trash and then climbed up on my bed. If that made me a square then I was okay with that. I wasn’t going to conform into someone I wasn’t just to ‘fit in’. Fitting in wasn’t going to get me anywhere in life.

With a sigh, I grabbed a book from my make-shift bookcase, pulled a blanket on top of me and began to read. Or at least I tried to read.

My mind kept going back to the flier and the guy who gave it to me. He was cute, I would admit that much. His eyes were to die for and his smile was infectious. But it didn’t matter; good girls never get guys like that. Good girls got the good boys with the pocket protectors and the degrees in accounting, psychology, or some other kind of typical major. Even though that should be what girls want, it’s hard not to be somewhat interested in the sexy bear drinker.

Against my own better judgment, I climbed out of bed, grabbed the flier out of the trash, and worked on smoothing it out. Reading the flier for a second time didn’t change the lame writing or pathetic attempt at clip art. Still, I folded the paper in half, and then quarters, until it was small enough to fit into my palm. Then I slipped the paper into the pocket of my notebook, out of sight but definitely not out of mind.

Now that I was up, I took the time to log into my computer and get on Facebook. I wasn’t the only one of my friends to go away for college. My group of friends were scattered across the country, none of them wanting to stay in the small town that we grew up in.

After Facebook finished loaded, I was greeted with a page full of pictures. My friends were already off making new friends, experiencing new things. They had pictures with boys, on boats, and dancing at some club. My friends were living their lives, shedding their own goody-goody images. I, on the other hand, was clutching to my image with as much strength as I could.

But why?

 Beginning to feel sad that I wasn’t having as many experiences as my friends were, I closed Facebook and stared at my wall. It was not even ten o’clock and I was going to get into bed to go to sleep. There were parties going on all around campus but I kept myself in the room. How pathetic was that?

I was a loser in high school and I was going to be a loser in college too. I was going to go day by day, watching life pass me by, and I wasn’t going to care one bit. But aside from good grades, what was I going to be bringing with myself out of college? A degree, a possible future? That’s fine and dandy but what about everything else? What kind of stories, memories, would I have? Getting that ‘A’ in class or staying up late finishing the award winning paper? What about the rest of life?

My stomach twisted as I watched my future flash before my eyes. I was old and wrinkled, sitting in a rocking chair and reading with thick, coke-bottle glasses on my face. My husband would be sitting next to me, his glasses matching my own. We would sit there silently, neither of us trying to have any type of conversation. The silence wouldn’t be new; the two of us would have the type of marriage we would have; a marriage of convenience. We would have children who we never saw and my mind would be wrapped around the “what if’s” and harboring on the experiences I never had. The thought made me… Sick.

That night, as I sat alone in my dorm room, was the first night that I actually questioned my good girl status. Although I didn’t know it at the time, but that night was the night that I decided, subconsciously, that I didn’t want to be a good girl anymore.

Chapter Two

“So, like, this guy comes up to me and he’s, like, ‘hey you can be a model, have you ever thought of it?’ and I told him that I wanted to be a model,” Sabrina said to another girl from our dorm, Elizabeth. “Then he gave me his card!”

They squealed and I rolled my eyes, pressing my head phones harder against my ears. No matter how loud I turned on the music or how thick my head phones were, I could still hear the shrieks coming from the other side of the small room. Their voices sounded like nails on a chalk board and our small dorm room was beginning to feel a little too crowded for my liking.

“You are so lucky!” Elizabeth said. “What I wouldn’t give to get a real modeling agent’s number!”

“I know!” Sabrina agreed. “I’m at college for only four days and already it’s becoming the best time of my life!”

I wanted to lunge across the room and wring my roommate’s neck. Usually I wasn’t a violent person. I actually tried to be as calm and as patient as I could most times. But today… Today I had to dig my nails into the palms of my hands to keep from screaming.

Was there any way to move into a different dorm room. Maybe a singular dorm room? I should have listened to my mom and stayed home for college. What was I thinking? It’s hard to not second guess decisions sometimes.

Really hard.

“So are you going to the rock concert this weekend?” Elizabeth asked Sabrina.

I discreetly turned down the volume of my iPod to hear Sabrina’s answer. If she said yes, then I would have the whole room to myself again. But if not…well then I wouldn’t be starting off college a very happy person.

“Obviously,” Sabrina replied. “Who isn’t going to the concert? Well except maybe my lame roommate.”

Sabrina raised her voice when she said ‘lame roommate’, obviously hoping that I would hear her. This had been going on for the past few days.  I wasn’t going to let her get to me. She would not determine my self-worth.

“Hey lame-o,” Sabrina called out. “Hello?”

I could hear Sabrina but I chose to ignore her, keeping my nose deep in my book. Suddenly a pillow hit me square in the face. Was she fucking serious? What were we, children? Though rage was boiling inside of me, I took my headphones off with steady hands and turned to the two girls opposite of me.

“What is it Sabrina?” I asked.

“Why are you so lame?” she asked.

“Because I’m not a tool. I don’t like to fit in because it’s the supposedly ‘cool’ thing to do.”

Unlike you.

Even as I was saying those words, they began to feel like a lie.

“But that’s so… Weird,” Sabrina said. “Why did you dorm here if you’re going to be a hermit? The whole point of living in a dorm is to get out of who you used to be and become someone completely different!”

I paused, taking Sabrina’s words in. The girl who collected My Little Pony dolls was telling me to fit in? To have the ‘whole college experience’ and not to be a ‘hermit’? Part of me wanted to yell at her, tell her that she knew nothing about me.

Another part of me, a bigger part of me, wondered what it would be like to invent a whole new person. To shed the good girl image I carved so lovingly in the past and embrace another side of me. I went day by day being a good girl and questioning nothing. But now, miles away from my house, my good girl image was becoming suffocating. Good girls got good grades but I wasn’t having fun.

“So, let’s say that I didn’t want to be a hermit and I wanted to be someone different. How would I go about doing that?”

Sabrina and Elizabeth looked at me, surprise written all over their faces.

“But you like being the goody two shoes,” Sabrina said. “You said so yourself.”

“I can change my mind, can’t I?” I asked.

Neither girl said a word, they just stared at me, and I sighed.

“Listen I’m a good girl because that’s all I know... I never thought about being anyone different. I never wanted to be anyone different. But that was in high school and I’m not in high school anymore. I chose a college far away from my home so that my status wouldn’t follow me only to realize I brought it along with its own luggage.”

They continued to stare.

“So…”

I swallowed…gulped really. I couldn’t believe what I was about to do.

“So I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to go through college with no real adventure or experience. I want to have stories when I graduate, not just good grades.”

Sabrina looked at Elizabeth and I was sure that she was going to turn to me and throw some nasty comment my way. To my surprise, though, she didn’t. Instead, Sabrina crossed the room and flopped on the bed, throwing her arm around me.

“I can help you,” Sabrina said. “Isn’t that what roommates are supposed to do?  And anyway, all I wanted this whole time is to be friends with you.”

Yeah right.

“You have a funny way of showing it,” I said and Sabrina took the comment as a joke.

“Yeah well I’m a bitch, what do you want from me?” she said.

She pointed at Elizabeth.

“How about going out with us this weekend?”

“This weekend?” I repeated.

“Yeah… The concert.”

Sabrina wiggled her eyes suggestively and my heart constricted. What did I get myself into?

“It’s the perfect way to get out of your shell. Everyone is going to be at this concert, you know that. So if you go to the concert with your brand new image no one will ever know that you were once a goody two shoes.”

“Umm…”

“Come on. Just try to have fun for one night. Please?”

“I guess,” I said, but wasn’t so sure.

Did I really trust Sabrina to help me? What if she used my problem for her own gain and made me look like a blubbering idiot after all?

“Don’t worry, I know exactly where to start. Do you trust me?” Sabrina asked, grinning.

No.

“Sure,” I said and pasted a smile on my face.

Sabrina started talking about my make-up, hair, and clothes. She was naming so many things that I had trouble keeping up. This wasn’t extreme makeover.  I was just going to a party. Finally I tuned Sabrina out, realizing that she wasn’t talking to me as much as talking to herself, and let my mind wander.

What would my parents say if they found out that I was changing? What would they think if they found out that I was going to concerts and partying it up? They would drive here immediately and drag me back home by my hair. In the blink of an eye I would be enrolled in the first all-girls college that my mother could find. Neither of my parents would believe the ‘it’s all part of the college experience’ story.

What would I tell them if they asked me why I wanted to do it? How could I explain to my parents that I hated being the good girl and I wanted to experience life? I wanted to meet people and have fun. They wouldn’t understand that because neither of my parents tried to have fun. They were okay with sitting at home any night of the week, doing nothing but watching reruns of Wheel of Fortune and Golden Girls.

Would I tell them that, for once, I wanted to fit in? I wanted to be going with the crowd instead of against it. How did I expect them to understand it when I didn’t even understand it myself? It was ludicrous!

I should tell Sabrina that I had a change of heart. I’ll just tell her that image really isn’t me and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with it. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about what my parents would think. At least I won’t disappoint them. I could just not tell them but parents find out everything somehow.

 “Lily, are you listening?” Sabrina asked suddenly.

Her voice snapped me back to the present and I stared at my roommate. The words were at the tip of my tongue but I couldn’t utter them. Deep down I knew I needed to at least try going out and it didn’t matter what it would do to my parents. I couldn’t worry about them. It had to be one or the other and this time I decided that it was going to be me.

“Sorry, what were you saying?” I said as I ran my hand through my hair. “I got a little distracted.”

Sabrina sighed but, surprisingly, kept her nasty retorts to herself.

“I said that we need to go shopping for you. Tonight. You can’t keep going around campus with what you are wearing now. You need something sexy that shows off that body of yours.”

“Shopping?” I stuttered. "I hate shopping."

"Come on. We don't have to be there all day."

"Well, I don't have much money so I won't be able to buy much."

"Then we can just shop for deals. How's that sound?"

I hadn't been shopping for a while. In high school I only went to the mall to eat at Bennigan's with my parents. Then we would shop afterward. It sounded like a lot more fun going with the girls.

"Okay, let's go. But only for a few hours."

"Deal."