Текст книги "A Real Disaster"

Автор книги: Molly Ryan

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Chapter Twelve

“So, uh, what do you like to do in your spare time?” Turner said for the eighth time.

I smiled at him as he flushed but my smile was forced.

“I’m sorry. I know I keep asking the same question but my mind went blank. I’m just so nervous.”

Nervous about what, I wanted to ask. This was our third so called date, and our first date was disastrous and the second one was going good until he held me down in bed. I tried to put it to the back of my mind but it kept coming back to me, reminding me that I didn't like Turner as a boyfriend.

“There’s no reason to be nervous,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. “I think we’re close enough to skip the polite conversation, don’t you think?”

Turner flushed again as the spoon he was holding slipped from his fingers. It clattered against the ice cream bowl and others around us jumped, glaring at us. I bit the inside of my lip to refrain from rolling my eyes.

God, could this get any worse?

“Sorry,” Turner mumbled. “I guess all I know how to do is fuck up. I mean, obviously that’s all I know how to do because that’s all I’ve been doing.”

And here comes the self-pity.

“You’re not fucking anything up,” I lied.

I tried not to sneer as Turner rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. At first Turner’s awkwardness was a turn on; something that made him cute and vulnerable. But now… It was becoming annoying. The guy sitting in front of me wasn’t the guy I originally met and it was a complete turn off. I didn’t want to be mean to him though.

 “Is it good?” I asked.

“It’s amazing,” Turner gushed.

“Oh wow, it’s late. I think once we finish we should get going. I have a lot to do.”

“Want me to keep you company in your room?” Turner said with a wink. “Or, if you’d rather, I can take you back to my place. We could pick up where we left off?”

How could I go back there when everything already sucked right where we were?

“I wish I could,” I said, feigning regret. “But I have a test to study for… A big one. If I don’t ace this, my G.P.A. will drop.”

Turner frowned and actually put his milkshake down.

“That’s a bummer. Do you want me to help you study? I’m used to pulling all-nighters. I can get us some coffee, some donuts, and we can make a night of it. Nothing else, I promise.”

“Thanks for the offer but I think this is kind of a solo job, you know?”

Turner shrugged but he lost his smile as he finished the milkshake.

“Okay,” he said after a minute.

“Not a problem. Maybe we can hang out this week.”

“Maybe,” I said lightly.

The two of us stood up and exited the place, surrounding ourselves with the cool night. I turned my head up to the stars and silently wished that things could get better.

“Do you want to do something this weekend… After your test?”

I clamped my lips shut tight, not wanting to say yes but feeling too bad to say no. Turner wasn’t a horrible guy. It was just that the more I hung out with him, the less I felt for him. We were good as friends and that was all I could do… But how could I tell him that? And what happened at his place didn't make things any better. It was a huge mistake on my part. The way it ended made it hard for me to see myself with Turner, ever.

“Turner I-”

Turner stopped and I nearly crashed into him.

“Let me guess. You think we’re great as friends but nothing else, right? You don’t feel for me what I feel for you, right?”

Too shocked to say anything, I only nodded.

“I’m sorry,’ I murmured.

“Don’t be. It’s not something I haven’t heard before… Especially after girls meet Nash.”

Turner didn’t sound angry, nor did he sound resentful. Turner just sounded… Sad. I wanted to grab his hand and tell him that it wasn’t Nash… That this had nothing to do with him. Nash wasn’t involved in my decision at all. I knew, though, that even if I did tell him that, Turner wouldn’t believe me.

“It’s fine, Lily. I get it.”

“Do you?” I asked. “Do you get it Turner?”

“Yeah,” he confirmed. “I understand. I’m just not boyfriend material. There’s no spark, right? There’s nothing there… Or at least you don’t feel it.”

I didn’t want to ask if he felt it. I knew what the answer would be.

“I’m sorry.”

“Let’s get back to the dorm.”

Turner made a sharp left and I couldn’t do anything else but follow him.

* * *

I let myself into the dorm using my key and immediately dropped my bag onto the floor. Sabrina, who was surprisingly in the dorm studying, looked up when I walked in. She closed the thick text book, marking her page with a highlighter, and turned to me.

“Rough night?” she asked and I nodded, too exhausted to answer.

I shimmied out of my clothes and exchanged it for a baggy t-shirt and a pair of flannel pants.

“I’m assuming the date didn’t go well?”

“You would be assuming correctly,” I told her.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “It started out fine,”

“But then it just fell to pieces. He’s not for me.”

I laid out to Sabrina the whole date if you want to call it that. I started with the night before. Then from the time we left the dorm room earlier and bumped into Nash, right up until I walked into the room. She nodded and murmured as I spoke but I wasn’t sure if she was truly listening to me. She probably didn’t understand my fear of being held down by someone. She probably would enjoy it the way she talked.

“Sorry for bogging you down with this crap. I just needed to talk to someone. I really thought that everything was going well. Turner… Well he seemed like a great guy, a hell of a lot better than Nash. But after last night and today… I don’t even want to hang out with him, honestly.”

“I totally get it,” Sabrina told me. “And Turner is a nice guy. But if I’m going to be honest with you, Lily, he’s kind of dull.”

Dull? Now all of a sudden Turner was dull?

“I wasn’t going to say anything before because you seemed really into him.”

Really? She obviously didn’t understand what I was talking about.

“Whatever.”

I plopped down onto my bed and pulled a blanket over me.

Curling on to my one side, I turned off my lamp and stared, bleary-eyed at the wall. My body was tired and my eyes drooped but my mind would not stop thinking about the day, or about Turner and Nash.

Although I wasn’t going to admit it, Sabrina hit it right on the nose. I liked Nash, as much as I didn’t want to. Probably more than I should and I knew it. But there was something about him; something about the way he talked to me, that drove me to him. Up until our fight, he was the person I talked to if I needed anything, even more than Sabrina.

Nash had the air of confidence and security that I wanted coupled with the sense of adventure I craved. Compared to Nash, Turner was bland.

And he reminded me of my dark past.

But it didn’t matter.

I didn’t like Turner and Nash didn’t like me. He made that perfectly clear the other day and was obviously pissed when he saw Turner and I together. I was right back to where I started; alone. What was I going to do about it?

With that thought in my mind, I finally closed my eyes and willed my body to sleep.

* * *

A few weeks later at around three o’clock in the morning, I heard a pebble hit the thin window of my dorm room. Before I opened my eyes, I heard the second and then the third pebbles. Soon the pebbles weren’t coming one by one but instead in packs, sounding like hail. If it kept going I knew that it would wake Sabrina up and then all hell would break loose.

Stumbling up from my bed, I shuffled to the window and looked down.

Though the shadows were thick, I could make out Nash’s profile in the soft light of the flashlight he was holding. He looked serious as he motioned me downstairs.

Jesus.

I hadn’t seen or talked to him for a while, but at three in morning he’s bothering me?

The pebbles didn’t stop. I finally grabbed my robe and as I left the dorm room I couldn’t help but wonder how Nash managed to stay under my window without getting caught. Security patrolled the dorms at night and yet they didn’t catch him.

Frowning, I pulled the robe closer to my body and went down the stairs and outside. My feet were cold even in the slippers that covered them and the crisp air slithered under my robe, sending shivers through my body.

“Hey there,” Nash whispered as I got closer to him. “Did I wake you?”

His cocky grin proved that he knew he woke me.

“What do you want?” I asked. “I have to get back to bed. I have a test tomorrow.”

Nash frowned and dug his hands in his pockets.

“I wanted to talk,” he mumbled and I rolled my eyes.

“Why? Why do you want to talk? I don’t think we have much, if anything, to talk about... You made yourself very clear last time we talked.”

And by kissing that girl…

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about Lily… I came here to apologize. I shouldn’t have said any of that shit. I was…. Well, freaked out, majorly.”

“You think?” I hissed. “I think you did more than freak out.”

Nash nodded.

“I didn’t mean any of it. I should have never said what I said. I… I just fucking miss you okay?”

Miss me? He missed me?

“Y-You miss me?” I stuttered.

He nodded.

“Yeah, I miss you. I miss you a lot actually. I miss hanging out with you and seeing you. I hate not knowing what the fuck is going on with you.”

“Why do you care? Last time I checked, you thought I was clingy and needy.”

“I didn’t mean that shit. You make me laugh and think about things that I used to never think about. You don’t fall at my feet like all of these girls; you challenge me and push against me every chance you get.”

I found myself smiling anyway.

What the hell? How can he have this effect on me?

I should have turned him away. I should have told him that I never wanted to speak to him again but the words just wouldn’t come.

“Well, what if I don’t care about any of that? What if I don’t give a flying fuck about how you feel or what you think?”

“Well-”

“You hurt me Nash. You discarded me like I was trash and didn’t give me a second glance. You-”

I clamped my mouth shut, biting my tongue. I was about to tell Nash something that I didn’t even realize until that moment. I was about to tell Nash that he broke my heart. He broke my heart.

I hung out with him only a few times and he already broke my heart? I couldn’t help it.

“You what?”

“Nothing,” I muttered. “Never mind.”

“No, Lily, tell me,” Nash pushed.

He brushed my arm, leaving a row of tingles. Suddenly, in the dark, I heard the rustling of leaves and heavy footsteps. By the time I turned, the security guard was standing in front of us, tapping his foot on the ground.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“I  just had to speak to her and it couldn’t wait. I couldn’t wait.”

“Well no student is allowed to be out this late on school grounds, it’s school policy. We don’t want anything to happen to anyone.”

“I’ll get back inside…” I mumbled.

Nash grabbed my arm before I could move.

“Lily-”

“I need time, Nash,” I said. “I know that you don’t want to hear it but just give me some time.”

“Lily…”

Nash dropped his hand, shuffling back to give me ample room to move.

“Shit. Fine.”

“Thank you.”

Without another glance at Nash, I schlepped through the leaves back into the building. My hands were numb but not as numb as my heart.

Slipping through the door, I was relieved to see that Sabrina was still fast asleep. Climbing back into my own bed, I pulled the covers up, tucking them under my chin, and closed my eyes. A part of me wanted to look out the window and see if Nash was still there, waiting for me. I wanted to know whether he meant what he said and if he really regretted everything that happened. I should have asked him about the girl. I’m sure there was more than one.

But another part of me, a stronger part of me, didn’t care. I wasn’t going to let him walk all over me with a bad attitude and kissing other girls. If he wanted to be with me he would have to show me.

Though I doubt that will happen.

Despite what he said, I didn’t believe that Nash was the type of guy to come back crawling, begging for forgiveness. He thought he was too good for something like that. That was the last thought I had before I found myself in the deep black orb of sleep.

Chapter Thirteen

“Morning sunshine!” I turned my head and groaned as I saw Nash leaning up against the wall of my dorm building.

He wasn’t going to give up.

After the night before, I figured Nash would get the hint. He would sink away, leave me alone and go do whatever he needed to do. I should have known that I was absolutely, one hundred percent, going to be wrong. I should have realized that Nash doesn’t give up on anything.

“How did you sleep last night?”

“Like shit, actually.”

He had a cheesy grin all over his face.

“So… Are you ready for your test?”

In truth, I wasn’t even thinking about the test. All I could think of was Nash’s visit and his admission. But the big questions were…Was he being serious? Did he really mean those things or was it just something he said to get into my pants?

“Do you want some coffee before the test? Maybe a little breakfast?”

“No thank you, I’ll be fine.”

“Without some breakfast or at least some coffee, you’re not going to be taking the test very well…”

I didn’t want to tell him that no matter what I wouldn’t be taking the test very well. Not with everything else on my mind and in my life.

“Come on, let me buy you coffee.”

“No,” I said again. “I don’t want you to buy me coffee. I don’t need you to buy me anything.”

“I don’t care about what you need. I want to do this for you.”

“Why?” I snapped.

“Because I like you.”

“You’ll say that and go kiss another girl. That’s who you are.”

“So you don’t like me.”

“Nash…”

I didn’t get the chance to finish the sentence because, at that moment, Nash grabbed me around the waist and pulled me against his hard, taut body. His other hand grasped my neck as he crashed his lips onto mine. I was frozen, too shocked to react.

Dropping my bag onto the floor, I found myself wrapping my arms around Nash’s neck and tilting my head ever so slightly, deepening the kiss. A spark ignited in the base of my stomach, flourishing down to my toes and then back up. Despite the time that passed and the fight that happened, I wanted Nash as much now as I did before.

What is wrong with me?

I had to stop.

A bad boy isn’t what I needed.

I pulled away abruptly and shot my hand out to balance myself against the wall. My heart thumped and blood rushed in my ears. Nash’s eyes were glazed over and it didn’t seem like he knew much more of what was happening than I did.

“I have to go,” I muttered and dropped down to pick up my deserted things. “I have a test and then I have to meet Sabrina and Elizabeth.”

“Lily-”

Nash reached out to me but I skittered out of his reach. If he touched me again I knew I wouldn’t stop it from going farther. I was so disjointed that I probably would have pushed forward. My body was warm and I was restless. I wanted to ditch everything, including my inhibition, and take Nash upstairs. I wanted to crawl into bed with him and let him do anything and everything he wanted to me. I wanted to be at his mercy and that scared me... I never felt as drawn to one person as I did with Nash.

This was new territory for me.

“I said I have to go,” I repeated. “Nash…”

He looked at me, hope written across his face. His scowl was gone and, now that his sense came back to him, he was smiling again. He ran his hand through his hair and smoothed out the collar of his shirt, all without taking his eyes off of me.

“What?” he asked and I could hear the expectation.

He was waiting for me to tell him that I was wrong, that I made a mistake. He wanted to hear that I realized that I couldn’t live without him. Although he didn’t say that, I could see it in his face. He thought he broke me... Maybe he did.

But I didn’t want him to know…

“You need to leave me alone… I need space…”

Nash opened his mouth to spew out a retort but I turned around, cutting him off. My chest tightened and a knot was in my throat. I wasn’t sure what would happen if I walked away from Nash but I knew that I had to.

* * *

After my test that I’m sure I failed, my head pounded and the knot that was in my throat traveled down my stomach making it impossible for me to eat anything. On the other side of the room Sabrina sat with Elizabeth, laughing at some kind of inside joke. I, on the other hand, was curled up with blankets, tucking my head under the pillow. All I wanted was some peace and quiet but it didn’t look like I was going to get that any time soon. Every time I closed my eyes, Nash’s face came back to me with such force that I hadn’t slept in two, maybe three days. I was becoming exhausted and it was showing in everything I did.

It took almost all my strength to get up in the morning and drag myself to class. Already I had ditched two classes because I was just so tired and so depressed. Like I asked, Nash left me alone. He left me alone so well that I never saw him in the halls or where I got food. It was like he disappeared, or as if he was a figment of imagination.

He probably found another girl. It wouldn’t be hard for him

Turner, on the other hand, was everywhere I turned. The first encounter was awkward; neither of us knew exactly what to say, but he finally broke the ice with some pathetic joke that actually put a smile on my face.

When was I going to forgive him? The logical side of me said never. Nash hurt me, a lot. But, I didn’t want to mope around for the next few years.

“Hey little miss fun sucker, are you going to come out from your little cocoon and join the land of the living again?”

I lifted the pillow over my head and glared at my roommate. She had half of a smile on her face and she was staring at me expectantly.

“Or are you going to lie there, hiding from the world, because your heart got banged up a little?”

“I’ve just had a lot on my mind lately and need some time to decompress.”

“So by decompressing you’re going to fail out of school and go home? Is that going to make things any easier, really?” Sabrina scoffed. “He’s just a boy, for crying out loud. You’ll meet someone new next week or the week after that.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m not going to find someone new. I don’t want to find someone new. I’m done, worn out.”

Sabrina sighed and crossed the room to sit on my bed. I was fine in high school without a boyfriend. Now, here I was aching for bad boy Nash.

“For what it’s worth,” she said. “He came over the other night… When you were at the library.”

This time I took the pillow off my head and pushed myself up to look at my roommate.

“He?” I asked. “He who?”

“Nash,” she said. “He was looking for you… Well actually he was looking to see how you were. He knew that you wanted nothing to do with him but he decided to come by and ask me. He’s worried about you.”

“Well, he has no reason to be worried,” I said. “You can tell him that the next time you see him. I’m fine...”

“Right. Fine.”

Sabrina started to play with the ends of my hair; hair that could use a good washing.

“If you want to believe you’re fine, Lily, then I’m not going to stop you. But, honestly, if you want my opinion, you are everything but fine. Why don’t you give the guy a chance? People screw up.”

To my horror, tears brimmed in my eyes and I squashed them away by rubbing my palms against my sockets.

“I really liked him, Sabrina. I thought he liked me too… But he kisses other girls and gets pissed at me for stupid stuff.  I should have known that. I mean he told me that he wasn’t a one girl type of man.”

“But maybe now that he met you he is a one girl type of guy. Maybe he changed… Or at least wants to change. Did you ever think of that?”

The truth was that I hadn’t. I hadn’t thought much of anything except what Nash said to me during our fight.

“Guys don’t change,” I argued. “They don’t know how to change. It’s their way or no way.”

Sabrina slapped her hand on her forehead and shook it.

“You are so damn stubborn sometimes,” she muttered. “You like to think that the guys are the thick headed imbeciles but you… You’re just as bad.”

“No I’m not!” I exclaimed.

How could Sabrina say something like that? Wasn’t she supposed to be on my side? Shouldn’t she be defending me to Nash, not the other way around? What was this?

“Nice, Sabrina, really nice. So much for sister solidarity. Aren’t girls supposed to stick together; you know, ho’s before bro’s?”

“Yes we are and I would be if a certain ho wasn’t so stuck in her ways when it came to a certain bro,” Sabrina wrapped her arm around me. “What made you this way, Lily? Why are you so hard on Nash, Turner, or any other guy? Why can’t you give Nash a chance?”

Tears spilled down my cheeks and dripped off my chin. I wiped them away as fast as I could but Sabrina and Elizabeth still saw them.

“Lily what’s wrong?” Sabrina asked. “Why are you crying? Did I make you cry? I didn’t mean to. I was just trying to get through to you.”

“Because… I lied to you,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

“About what?” Elizabeth asked.

It was the first time she had spoken and she cut the tension in the room with her voice. I didn’t want to tell them, any of them, the truth; the truth that I tried to bury a long time ago. I didn’t want to relive the moments in the cabin by the lake or the feelings that I was left with.

“Lily…Lily, talk to us.”

“I can’t,” I said. “I can’t talk to you… I can’t talk to anybody. Not about this. I don’t even want to think about this, let alone talk about it.”

“Well, whatever it is you’re hiding,” Sabrina said, “it is preventing you from being able to move on with your life. Is this the way you want to be from now on? Do you want to be a shell of yourself; hiding and darting around just so no one gets close enough to you?”

No, of course I didn’t want that. I didn’t want any of that but there was nothing I could do about it. Once they knew there was no going back. I would be that girl forever. I had to break away from it once and that was only because I went to college. How was I supposed to break away from it again?

I hoped that it wouldn’t be like last time. These people… They’re older and would understand more. They wouldn’t try to burn me at the stake…Or maybe they would. But I would never know until I tried.

“I’m not a virgin,” I said.

Sabrina and Elizabeth stared at me, silent and waiting.

“You lied about sex? But why?”

“I didn’t want to tell you the truth because the truth comes with more baggage than I wanted. I didn’t want everyone to know it about me. I… I wanted to start over; I wanted to be a new person.”

“So what happened?”

I wiped the tears from my eyes.

“It happened when I was fourteen years old. It was the very end of the school year and I was about to graduate from middle school. That coming fall I would finally be a freshman in high school, something I only dreamed of being.”

“Okay, and?” Elizabeth  asked.

Sabrina glared at Elizabeth as she squeezed my hand.

“She doesn’t have to tell us if she doesn’t want to,” Sabrina said.

She looked at me.

“Seriously, Lily, you don’t have to tell us. It’s okay to keep your secret.”

“No,” I said as I swallowed loudly. “I have to tell you… I want to tell you. If I don’t then I’ll just be living two different lives. I won’t be able to be honest with myself or let anyone else close to me.”

I wanted all my new close friends to know about it so it didn't feel like I had to hold it in and feel so alone. I didn't want attention or anything like that otherwise I would've told people about it a long time ago. But it was to the point where my new friends were beginning to not understand me. Letting them know about my secret would probably help them too.

“Okay, but only if you’re absolutely sure.”

“I am,” I said, wiping the tears from my eyes. “So like I said, it was the summer before I entered high school. There was this boy I met, a seventeen year old. He was cute; you know blonde hair, blue eyes, great body. He was the lifeguard at the local pool and he would always take a minute or two to talk to me when I got there. All my friends were jealous because he was giving me special attention. I liked the attention because no other guy had ever given me any. So I didn’t bother to try to stop it or change it anyway. Why would I, you know? Anyway, one day he asked me if I wanted to go on a date with him. I knew my parents wouldn’t let me so I lied and told them I was staying at a friend’s house. He wanted to take me to his families’ cabin in the woods, right by a lake.”

Elizabeth gasped and Sabrina bit her lower lip. I had a feeling that the two knew what I was going to say before I even said it.

“Oh no,” Elizabeth sighed. “You didn’t go, did you?”

I nodded.

“I did go,” I said, regret filling my words. “And I wish I hadn’t. When we got to the cabin he opened the door for me and led me inside. I thought it was chivalrous and charming. I loved it. But the moment that door closed he grabbed me and started kissing me on the lips. I kissed him back because I liked the attention but then he started to try and take my shirt off and I told him no. He didn't listen though. He pulled and tugged at my shirt while I tried to stop him but he was too strong. He was able to get me completely naked and he raped me. At the end he held my arms down with his legs and came all over me. I screamed and cried but I'm sure no one ever heard me because we were in a place that was secluded.”

I stood up and walked around, not able to sit there and watch my friends’ faces change from happy to horror. This was the whole story behind why I was so scared to go in Nash's house with him. I was afraid to be alone with guys ever since that moment. Then I was finally able to break out of my shell once I started college, but it was still difficult.

When Turner held me down and came all over my chest it brought back memories that I didn't want to relive. I would never be able to look at Turner the same again and it wasn't even his fault. It was just that my past had so much pain in it and one stupid sexual incident with him caused it to all come back.

“Go on,” Sabrina urged.

“Once it was over he told me he would give me a ride back into town as long as I didn't tell anybody about what happened. He said if I ever tried people wouldn’t believe me anyways. And that's what I thought would happen so I never told anybody about it. I lost all my friends because I was in constant pain and could not handle being around anybody. I would just hide in my room and study.”