Текст книги "A Real Disaster"

Автор книги: Molly Ryan

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But it wasn’t going to mean anything if he didn’t love me back.

“You don’t love me, do you?” I whispered.

Nash slid his eyes over to me for a second.

“What?”

“Love me, Nash, I told you that I loved you back at the beach. I told you that I was in love with you. But you didn’t say anything. It’s because you don’t love me, do you?”

“I didn’t say that, Lily.”

“But you didn’t say you loved me back. That kind of explains everything, don’t you think?”

Nash didn’t say another word. He pulled in front of my dorm building and kept his head straight as he stopped the car. It was my cue to leave but I hesitated hoping that Nash would say one last thing. He didn’t. Blinking back tears, I climbed out of the car and walked toward the building. By the time I turned back Nash and his car was gone.

Tears brimmed in my eyes and I knew I couldn’t go back inside the way I looked. So, tightening my jacket around me, I turned the opposite away Nash went and started to walk, hoping the cold air would clear my mind and relax my taut nerves.

* * *

When I got back to the dorm room, Sabrina was there reading a book. Elizabeth was next to her, using Sabrina’s laptop. I slammed the door and plopped down on the bed. Sabrina looked up.

“I’m sorry, Lily. I should have never said anything about Nash. Or I should have at least explained that it was nothing. I didn’t mean it to come out that way.”

“It’s okay… I overreacted anyway.”

“I would have done the same thing.”

Thankfully someone would have.

The next few days it was sunny out, the air was still cold and I pulled the blanket over me, curling myself up underneath it. I wasn’t tired but I was drained. All I wanted to do was stay in bed and not come out until next spring when the school year was over and I could go back home.

I still hadn’t heard from Nash. Opening my stupid mouth was such a bad idea. I should have kept it in and let Nash say it first. Maybe I made him feel trapped in a corner. I desperately wanted to text Nash and apologize for what I said. I wanted to take it back and pretend it didn’t happen. But even if I apologized I knew that it wouldn’t change anything. The words were already out there; I couldn’t take them back. I would just have to wait and see what would happen. I hoped that I didn’t screw everything up for good. But I had a feeling that I did.

Chapter Seventeen

I love you. Those three words were the worst three words that left my mouth. They ruined the one good thing that was happening and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I stared at my phone, willing it to ring, but it stayed silent. I hadn’t heard from Nash since the incident and I was unravelling at the seams.

My history text book was opened up in front of me, the pages parted to the American Revolution, but the words were blurring in front of my eyes. What time was it, three in the morning? Four? Sabrina was snoring softly across the room and I didn’t bother to look at the clock. It wasn’t going to change anything.

Waiting for Nash to call had made me an insomniac for the past few days. I couldn’t sleep, I barely ate. All I could think about was him and the look of pure horror after I let the words slip.

Slipping off my bed, I left the dormitory and went outside to the dark night. Crickets chirped and somewhere in the tree an owl hooted. Impulsively, I opened the phone and dialed Nash’s number. It didn’t matter how late it was. It was a Friday night; there was no way Nash was asleep. He had a gig that I was supposed to go to before he stopped talking to me, and it wasn’t ending until after midnight. By now he was probably just getting back to his house.

The phone rang once, twice, and on the third ring he finally picked up. I could hear a crowd in the background.

“Hello?” he said into the phone.

His voice was loud and I winced at the volume.

“Hey Nash,” I said.

I didn’t speak as loudly as he did because I didn’t want my voice to carry through the dead of night. I didn’t need campus security to hear me and come investigate what was going on.

“Hello?” he said again, obviously not hearing me.

“Nash, it’s Lily,” I said, this time louder.

“Lily? Hey what’s up?”

If he was upset to hear from me I couldn’t tell. He sounded happy and alive; as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

“What’s going on? It’s four in the morning, shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

It was like the whole incident didn’t happen. Nash spoke to me the same way he always did. There was no awkwardness, no silence. Yet, he never called me.

“I… I missed you,” I said, deciding to tell the truth. “I wanted to see how your set was. Did you do a good job?”

“The crowd seemed to like it. They asked for three encores. Can you fucking believe it? Three!”

“That’s great! I wish I was there to see it!”

We both knew why I didn’t go; I didn’t feel comfortable going to see him not knowing whether he was mad at me or not. Especially since he hadn’t talked to me since the beach incident.

Okay, he was mad at me.

“So… Do you want to come over tomorrow? I can make breakfast in the common area or something?”

“No,” Nash said and my heart dropped to my stomach. “Don’t worry about making me breakfast. How about I pick you up and we go to breakfast together. I think we need to talk.”

The dreaded four words. If guys thought it was hard hearing those words from a girl, it was even harder being the girl hearing it from a guy. I could just imagine all the things he wanted to say to me. First it would be a breakup, like I was expecting. I freaked him out.

“Sure,” I said, trying to keep my voice light. “See you around eleven?”

It wasn’t exactly breakfast time but I had a feeling that Nash would want to sleep as late as possible.

“No,” he said again. “I’ll see you at eight. Sweet dreams Lily.”

He cut off the call before I could say anything back. With a knot of dread forming in my stomach, I headed back to my dorm room to wait in agonizing silence until I saw Nash.

* * *

“Morning sexy,” someone said softly in my ear.

I opened my eyes to see Nash standing over me, dark circles under his eyes and a sleepy smile on his face.

 “Good morning,” I mumbled.

I yawned and stretched, cracking my back.

“What time is it?”

“Eight forty-five. I wanted to let you sleep a little longer.”

“Thanks,” I said, confused.

 I didn’t remember falling asleep and yet there I was, waking up to Nash’s soft voice. Staring at Nash, I tried to figure out if he was happy to see me. Was this an act for Sabrina or was the smile genuine? I didn’t tell Sabrina about my mishap but Nash didn’t know that. He probably didn’t want to look like a bad guy in front of her so he acted happy to see me.

“Give me five minutes and I’ll be ready.”

“I’ll wait outside for you, okay?” Nash asked.

“Sure.”

To my surprise, Nash bent down and kissed me on the lips before disappearing out of the dorm room. Not wasting any time, I found the cleanest clothes I could from the floor and ran across the hallway into the bathroom. Taking a stall, I changed out of my pajamas and into the clothes, then went to an empty sink to brush my teeth. Running back across the hall, I threw my dirty clothes onto my bed and then, on impulse, threw on a little eyeliner and lip gloss. If I was going to be broken up with, at least I would look good in the process.

At the fifth minute I was back downstairs and out the door, standing next to Nash. He was staring across the quad, watching kids throwing a Frisbee to each other.

“That was quick,” he commented.

“I told you that it was only going to be five minutes,” I pointed out. “I’m a girl of my word.”

Nash opened his mouth to say something but I put my hand up.

“Listen, before we go and before we have our little ‘talk’ I wanted to say something.”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for saying… Well you know. I didn’t mean it. Well, I mean I didn’t mean to say it. The words I meant but I should have kept them to myself. But I understand if that makes you uncomfortable and you want to break up.”

I was definitely rambling.

“You thought I wanted to break up with you?”

I nodded.

“What else was I supposed to think? Whenever someone says ‘we have to talk’ it’s usually a break up. Why would I think that this was any different?”

“Because I’m not the type of guy to run away when a girl admits her feelings,” he said.

But he kind of did at the beach.

“I’ll admit that I can’t say those words right now, but that doesn’t mean that I may not say them in the future. I was surprised, that’s all, and I didn’t know how to process it. I’m flattered, I am, and I care a lot about you.”

“You do?”

I felt a glimmer of hope at the edge of my fragile heart.

“Of course I do. You’re a great fucking girl Lily and I like you a lot. My mother died a year and a half ago and she was the last person to say I love you to me.”

“I’m sorry Nash.”

“It’s okay. I usually hide everything because it helps the days go by easier. I’m sorry I acted that way. I’m good at fucking things up.”

 “No, it’s me. I get a little crazy. I told you before… I’m not used to any of this.”

“I guess that makes two of us,” Nash joked. “Why don’t you and I take it easy. Let’s go to breakfast and then we’ll figure out the rest. One day at a time, you know?”

It wasn’t exactly what I wanted but it was a better idea then breaking up.

“Sure, one day at a time.”

I grabbed his hand and let him lead me to his car.

The two of us drove down the highway, Nash humming while I looked out the window at the passing scenery. My eyes were still heavy and I couldn’t imagine how Nash was feeling. How was he still awake?

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “Why?”

I shrugged.

“Just asking, I know you were up late last night and I’m sure that you’re tired. I can drive if you want.”

Nash laughed.

“Do you know how to drive shift?”

I shook my head.

“Well then I think I’m our best bet.”

“But I can learn.”

“It will take more than a few minutes to teach you how to drive. Why don’t we put that off for another day?”

I rolled my eyes.

“Oh don’t give me that ‘I’m so offended’ look. I’m not being mean and I don’t hate you.”

I smiled out the side of my mouth while Nash pulled into a parking lot and grabbed the first spot he saw.

“Where are we?”

“A small diner about three miles off campus. Most people don’t know about this place which makes it great because it’s not crowded. You can get a seat almost immediately.”

“Have you been here before?”

Nash nodded and I bit my lower lip.

“Have you been here with… Other girls?”

He paused and looked me straight in the eye.

“One,” he admitted. “My sister. It was when we were younger, right after her prom. She had just broken up with her boyfriend for trying to force himself on her.”

Sister? She went through something similar to me.

“Oh my god Nash.”

“My mother had already died so I was all she had since she didn’t want to tell our dad.”

I was about to say something but he stopped me with a kiss on my lips.

“Let’s go inside.”

We both got out of the car. Nash held the door open for me and I stepped through right to the podium. Like he said they do, the waitress seated us immediately and handed us menus. She took our drink order and sashayed away. Once she was gone, Nash continued.

 “I picked her up from her after prom party and we came here, I think it was five in the morning. She had her dress on and I came directly from the after party of my gig.”

“Oh,” I said.

I looked at the menu, pretending to be really intrigued at the options, when in reality my mind was going off in all different directions. I was upset. I didn’t like to hear that anyone had to go through that.

“Is something wrong?”

“No,” I lied.

How was I supposed to tell Nash what was going on in my head? How do I explain to him how I went through something similar.

“I need coffee is all.”

“Well, good thing that the waitress is bringing us two huge cups of it. Do you want to split something or have something yourself?”

“Either is fine. Want to get a stack of pancakes and split that?”

“Sure.”

* * *

“Thanks for breakfast,” I said as Nash brought me to my dorm room door. “I would invite you in but honestly I wouldn’t be any fun. I need sleep… Lots of sleep.”

“Me too.”

Especially since my test was that afternoon.

“Maybe we can meet up in a couple nights for something? I have another show… Want to come?”

My heart was pumping and butterflies were in my stomach. It was the first time that Nash actually invited me to one of his shows. The other time I just told him I was going.

“If you really want me to.”

 “Hell yeah. How else am I supposed to show off my hot girlfriend?”

Hot?

Girlfriend?

I resisted the urge to jump up and clap my hands.

“Well then I guess I need to come.”

I tried to keep my voice calm, my words sounding nonchalant. Nash was smirking, almost expecting me to overreact.

Nash pulled me close, nuzzling my neck.

Chapter Eighteen

By the time I got to the bar Nash was playing at, I could already smell the alcohol. People were meshed together, taking up every nook and cranny available. The air was thick with smoke and I coughed into my hand, my lungs begging for fresh air.

Why did Nash choose here?

I forced my way through the throng of people. Guys were holding drinks while the women stepped close to them, intertwining their legs together. There was more skin than clothes and I averted my eyes from one girl whose nipples were seen through her fitted t-shirt.

She was probably hoping that they would get wet and she’d get laid that night.

I was about to turn around and leave the bar. As I went to leave, I felt a hand on my shoulder. Looking behind me I saw Nash’s smile.

God he was hot.

“Hey there beautiful,” he said.

I wasn’t sure whether the alcohol that I was smelling was on his breath or if it was just in the room. He didn’t look drunk, but Nash was also fully capable of holding his alcohol longer than most after seeing him drink a few times. Who knew how many beers he already had.

“Hey, interesting place.”

I kept my voice light.

“I know, it looks like a dump, but it’s pretty great. The food’s amazing and there is a fully stocked bar.”

And of course, that’s the highlight of the evening.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

I side stepped just in time as a fight broke out and someone went flying onto a table three feet away. The table broke and there was blood but everyone began clapping. Clearly they were too drunk to figure out what was going on, let alone care about it.

“So, when do you go on?”

“In a couple of minutes. I’m really glad you came. It means a lot to me.”

He kissed me on the lips and wrapped his arm around my waist. Any negative thoughts began to drift away as I stood there in Nash’s embrace.

“Do you want me to get you a drink?” he offered. “I hear that the margaritas are great.”

“Sure, but get me whatever you’re having.”

“Are you sure? The last time you drank you kind of ended up wasted.”

“I’m sure Nash.”

“Okay then.”

He disappeared into the crowd. People around me were locking lips in every corner.

A few minutes later Nash made his way back to me.

“Here you are,” Nash said as he returned with drinks.

Snapping my head back, I took the drink from Nash and downed half of it at the start.

“Thanks,” I said when I finally came up for air.

“You’re welcome… Someone was fucking thirsty,” Nash said, shaking his head with a bewildered smile on his face.

“Damn right!”

“I’ll be back soon,” he promised. “If you want another drink just drop my name. I started a tab.”

I nodded and watched him get sucked up by the crowd yet again until he appeared on the stage, a guitar around his neck. He adjusted the microphone and then searched the place. Was he looking for me or someone else? Who else would he be looking for? I thought he wanted to show me off. Why would he say that if he was planning on finding someone else while he was here?

Maybe I was being paranoid.

The alcohol was getting to my head but I didn’t stop drinking. I did, however, slow down, nursing it.

“Hey there everyone!” Nash shouted into the microphone. “Are you having a good night?”

He was answered by drunken cheers from the audience.

“All right, well I’m Nash and this is The Renegation! Are you ready to hear some great music?!”

More cheers came from the audience and I found myself clapping along.

“Lily, this one is for you.”

My eyes widened as someone shone a spotlight on me and heads turned, staring at me. I gave Nash an embarrassed wave as he strummed his guitar.

Leaning up against a pole, I listened as Nash dove into a rendition of Brown Eyed Girl. His eyes didn’t leave me through the whole song and I felt a lump in my throat. This was why he wanted me there. I swiped at the tears that trickled down my cheeks. The song ended and Nash continued, starting his own songs. I took the chance I had and, after finishing my drink, slipped through the door to the cold night. Bundling my jacket close to me, I sat on the stone steps and stared at the starlit sky.

How did I get so lucky?

There I was, the good girl, getting the bad boy’s heart. How did something like that even happen? It was like I took a page out of some young adult novel. I was almost waiting to wake up and realize that this was all just a dream. A girl like me didn’t get a guy like him…

Ever.

So how did it happen?

“Excuse me.”

I looked up to see a red headed woman standing in front of me. She wore a long green pea coat and had a beret on her head, also green. She wore knee high boots and I could see the faint line of a pencil skirt under her jacket.

“I don’t mean to bother you but I was wondering if The Renegation is playing tonight?”

“Yeah, they are. They’re actually in the middle of a song right now. They just started.”

“Thanks,” she said.

I scooted over to let the girl through and felt a gust of heat hit my back as she went inside.

Well she wasn’t the person I would imagine going to see Nash’s band.

Then I laughed.

I wasn’t the type of person to listen to Nash’s band either and yet there I was.

Following the girl’s lead, I stood up on unsteady feet, and wobbled my way back inside. I stayed in the back and out of the way, not wanting to bring any more attention to myself. Grabbing another drink, I settled down and listened to my boyfriend’s band play their hearts out.

Another hour later, the music finally stopped and the band stepped off the stage. The set was over and they were congregating around the bar, passing out congratulatory drinks. The red head was also at the bar and she was nursing some pink drink, talking to Nash.

Furrowing my brow, I tried to think whether or not Nash mentioned he had a friend coming. She looked familiar but I couldn’t place her. Had I met her before? Did she go to school with me? Nash looked up and caught my eye. He smiled, said something to the redhead, and weaved his way over to me.

“Hey there sexy, what did you think?”

“You were amazing,..”

“Thanks.”

“Thanks for the dedication,” I added shyly.

I wanted to tell him that I loved him again but I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t need a repeat of the other day.

“No problem…”

“Who’s that?” I asked, motioning my head in the direction of the redhead.

I couldn’t help but ask.

“A fan,” he said, but something told me that there was more to the story than he was leading on.

“Have I met her before? She looks familiar.”

“I don’t think so.”

He dropped his eyes and started to play with his cup. Something was definitely going on.

“Does she go to our school? Maybe I have a class with her.”

“She’s just a fan Lily,” Nash said with a laugh.

“But I think I recognize her.”

“Maybe she just has one of those faces, you know? The type of face that you swear you know even though you don’t.”

“I guess,” I said, even though I wasn’t convinced.

Maybe I didn’t know her but Nash did and he wasn’t telling me how. I resisted the urge to press him about the situation. I didn’t want to start a fight on such a great night so I kept my mouth shut and smiled.

“How about we get out of here?”

“That’s the greatest plan you had yet,” I told him winking. “Back to your place?”

“Perfect.”

* * *

“Hey!” Nash cried as I rolled over, taking the blankets with me. “I’m cold over here too, you know.”

“Shut up,” I mumbled. “I need to sleep. Sleep is good.”

I snuggled deeper in the pillows. There was a rustling of sheets, a cold breeze, and then I felt Nash’s hard, warm body next to me. He draped an arm over my waist, his hand cupping my breast lazily.

“You smell so good,” he murmured in my hair.

“I’ve been sleeping, how can I smell good?” I asked as I slit my eyes open.

“Because you do,” he said. “You always smell good, Lily.”

Nash kissed my shoulder and I smiled. Through the slits of my eyes I could see the sun rising, coloring the sky in reds and pinks.

“I love you.”

My eyes whipped open.

“What?” I asked.

“I love you,” he said again, moving his hand down to my hip.

My heart drummed against my ribs and I was sure that Nash could feel it. I was speechless. I lied there shocked for a while but finally found the courage to speak.

“Nash?”

It was too late. Instead of an answer, I heard the sound of Nash’s soft snoring; he fell back asleep.

I love you.

He said the three words that I was desperate to hear. But did he mean it? Maybe in his drowsy state Nash said it. Who knew what would happen when he woke up.

He was probably still drunk.

I could only hope not.

* * *

I hunched over a table at the school’s library, reading over my history paper and making corrections as I went. My head pounded and my stomach turned from being hung over.

And that is why I don’t drink. It never turned out good for me.

“Hey, Lily.”

I turned and Turner stood in front of me.

“What do you want?”

I hadn’t heard from him since he got upset in the common area. I curled my hands into fists, digging my nails in to the palms.

 “I came to apologize.”

“Apologize? Do you really think that some apology is going to make up for what you said?”

“Lily-”

“There are no words in this world that can make up for that. I thought of you as a friend, Turner, a true friend.”

“I didn’t mean to say those things. I wasn’t thinking.”

“No shit you weren’t thinking. If you were thinking then maybe you wouldn’t have said it,” I hissed.

“What can I do to make this better?”

I put my hand to my chin and tilted my head as if I was pondering something.

“I don't know Turner. Is there something else you need?”

 “Yeah, I came here to tell you something.”

“What?”

“Nash is seeing my sister.”

I stopped short, narrowing my eyes and staring at Turner.

“Excuse me?”

“Nash, he’s seeing my sister,” Turner repeated. “She told me the other day. He called her and they’ve been talking. She came down to see him.”

Nash and Turner’s sister? Again? No, there’s no way. There’s no way that’s possible. He was lying.

“You’re a liar,” I whispered. “You would say anything and everything to break Nash and me up. You’re jealous.”

“I am jealous,” Turner admitted. “But I’m not lying. I saw them together yesterday during the day. They were at the park. Why would I lie to you?”

At the park yesterday? That wasn’t possible, I was with Nash yesterday. Well most of yesterday. There were a few hours that I wasn’t with him. But it’s not possible. He wouldn’t do that to me. If she was here Nash would tell me.

“Sorry, I don’t believe you.”

I stood up, nearly toppling the library chair over, and grabbed my stuff.

“Stay away from me, Turner. Stay the hell away from me. Got it?”

I didn’t wait for him to answer. Instead, with my arms full of books, I stomped towards the library doors.

“I’m telling you the truth, Lily,” Turner yelled after me. “Ask Nash! Ask him about my sister being here! She even told me that she was going to see him last night!”

Last night. I felt like I was punched in the gut. The red head? No, no that’s not her. Turner wasn’t a red head and I saw pictures of his sister. She had darker hair than he did. No, it wasn’t her. I was positive.

My emotions were running on high gear and all I wanted to do was throw things. Somewhere in my bag my cell phone was ringing but I didn’t bother to answer it. I knew that it was probably Nash but I didn’t want to talk to him. I wouldn’t know what to say and the sound of my voice would likely tell him something was wrong.

The last thing I wanted to do was mention my encounter with Turner. In reality, though, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind at all. Anyone who talked to me would see that and I didn’t want to answer any of the typical questions. I wanted to be left alone. Period.

Turner is a liar.

I kept repeating it.

His sister isn’t here and she definitely didn’t see Nash. Nash was with you all night. If Turner’s sister really was there last night he would have introduced you to her. He’s not ashamed of you, you know that.

Turner’s lying.

I couldn’t convince myself.

My stomach was still in knots when I went back to my dorm room and hopped into the shower. Nash would be gone for a few days with his band and it was probably a good thing. I needed to get my thoughts in order.