Текст книги "Unspeakable"

Автор книги: Michelle K. Pickett

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Текущая страница: 17 (всего у книги 21 страниц)

It’d been two weeks. I was once again Jaden’s prisoner. He knew everywhere I went, who I was with, when I’d be there, and when I’d be home. He cut me off from Jenna and Tim at school and he spent most evenings at my house, making it impossible for them to visit me. I didn’t care. I couldn’t be with Brody. Nothing else mattered.

It was one of the rare nights that Jaden wasn’t over. There was a party at Jamieson’s house. I conveniently let it slip to my mother that there’d probably be drinking since Jamieson’s parents weren’t going to be home. That got me off the hook. She told Jaden I wouldn’t be going to the party with him. For once, she stood up for me.

I called Jenna and asked if she could come over. She was there in five minutes. She had me in a huge hug in six. I was crying in seven.

“You look terrible,” she whispered against my hair.

“Thanks. You look like a supermodel, too.” I sniffed and wiped the tears from my cheeks.

“You’ve lost so much weight. Your clothes just hang off you like you’re a hobo or something.”

“Gee, thanks for the pep talk,” I said with a small smile.

“Do you eat? Or do you live on these?” She picked up an empty energy drink can.

I shrugged. “This has been the best diet ever.”

We talked for an hour. She filled me in on everything going around the gossip hotline at school. Who was hooking up, who was breaking up, who was pregnant, who’d come out of the closet. She didn’t tell me anything that’d been said about Brody and me. In fact, she didn’t bring Brody up at all.

We ordered a pizza, and she force-fed me. I choked down a piece and a half before I started gagging.

“I don’t want anymore.” I pushed my plate away. “Wanna watch a movie with me?”

“Sure.”

We put a comedy in the DVD player and settled on the bed. I lay my head on her lap. She combed her fingers through my hair. The movie was half over when my phone chimed. I forced myself up and grabbed it.

Jaden: What are you doing?

Me: Watching a movie with Jenna.

Jaden: Where?

Me: Home.

Jaden: Fine.

I tossed the phone across the room and buried my head in my pillows.

“He’s worse than ever, huh?” Jenna murmured.

“Yeah.”

“Hey, let’s find a really snotty shirt for you to wear tomorrow. One that he won’t understand. That shouldn’t be too hard, huh?” She climbed of the bed, opened my closet door, and froze. “Oh, Willow.”

I started crying. Again. Always crying. I was getting on my own freakin’ nerves.

“You better not let Jaden see these,” she whispered. She looked at each of the photos of Brody and me that covered the inside of my closet door. “You look so happy.” Tears filled her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Willow.”

I shrugged. “It is what it is.”

“Look, I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but I think it’s probably better to hear it from me than get blindsided.” Jenna picked at the nail polish on her thumb. “Um, Kara asked Brody to the girl’s choice dance Friday and he said yes.”

I sucked in a breath. Pain ricocheted through me. It was like Jenna had hit me. My head started to pound, and the room spun around me. I bent forward and leaned my head on my knees. I didn’t even try to hold back my tears. A half sob/half scream tore through me, leaving an open wound behind.

Jenna rushed over and knelt next to me. She wrapped her arms around me and rocked me back and forth like a mother would a small child. “I’m so, so sorry,” she repeated over and over.

“I knew it would happen,” I said through my sobs, “but it hurts so bad. It hurts so damn bad.”

Friday. The girl’s choice dance was that night. I was in constant pain, physical and emotional, from the knowledge that Brody was going with Kara. Was what we had that easy to forget? It was that easy to walk out of my life and into hers?

I decided it didn’t matter. It was better that he move on with his life. Better for him, better for me. It didn’t make it hurt any less, however.

I took Jenna’s advice and decided to find a suitable T-shirt to wear to school. It needed to be long sleeved to hide my fresh bruises. I moved shirts across my closet rod, looking for the perfect one. When I found it, it was short sleeved. I’d have to wear a hoodie to cover my arms. I reached for a hoodie that would match, but my hand stopped just before touching it.

“Screw that. I’m not hiding anymore.” I yanked the short-sleeved T-shirt off the hanger and pulled it on. Let everyone see the bruising—I didn’t care anymore.

The saying on my T-shirt was perfect, although I’d probably get sent home for wearing something that had a curse word on it. It said, Excuse me, which level of Hell is this? I decided it was worth it. I looked in the mirror and paused, my hand skimming down the fabric. It was red.

Did I pick it because it’s Brody’s favorite color? Or is just coincidence?

I wore black sweatpants and my red Converse high tops—I figured it’d be one day Jenna would give me a free pass and not lecture me on my wardrobe choices. I pulled my hair into a messy bun and put a little makeup on to hide the circles under my eyes.

I looked in the mirror one last time. Jenna was right. I had lost weight. My clothes looked a size too big for me.

Best. Diet. Ever.

I sat in the foyer, looking out the window, waiting for Jenna to pick me up. As soon as she pulled in the driveway, I hurried to her car.

“Let’s get this day over with,” I muttered.

We pulled into the student parking lot. Jenna parked and was out of her car before I could say anything. I just sat and stared.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, opening my door. She followed my gaze. “Oh, shit, Willow. I didn’t see them.”

I shrugged a shoulder and climbed out of the car, still watching Brody and Kara walk across the parking lot. He’d given her a ride to school. I’d seen him open the door for her to get out of his Jeep, like he’d done for me so many times.

When I walked into school, I felt every eye on me. People parted in the hall as I walked through. I don’t know if they pitied me or just wanted to see my reaction. I kept my head high and just tried to make it to my locker.

“Oh, no.”

“What?” I looked at Jenna. She nodded her head toward our lockers. Jaden stood with his shoulder leaning against mine.

“Hey, Wills,” he said.

“Don’t call me that.”

Jenna helped my get my coat off and sucked in a breath when she saw my arms. She didn’t say anything as she grabbed my books from the locker, hefting my bag over her shoulder. I thought again how Jaden should be doing that. He was supposed to be my boyfriend. Wasn’t that what boyfriends did?

“Still got the sling, huh?” he asked.

“I’m wearing it, aren’t I?” I snapped.

“Watch the attitude. Nice shirt. See ya at lunch.” He sauntered off.

“I told you he wouldn’t get it.” Jenna pointed at my shirt.

“He doesn’t pay enough attention to get it.”

Jenna laughed, but there was no humor in it. “Yeah, he’s a real douche.”

Nodding, I followed her into my biology class. I forced myself not to look for Brody. I just walked to my seat and sat down, laying my head on my books. At least I didn’t share any classes with Kara. I wouldn’t have to see the two lovebirds together.

Wrong.

Everywhere I went Friday, I saw Brody. And each time, Kara was with him. And to really make things horrible, like they weren’t already, they were holding hands.

My body shook when I saw him with her. It was a cross between blinding anger and searing pain. My stomach roiled, and I was sure I would have puked if there had been anything in it, but I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten.

I snuck one of my mom’s prescription sleeping pills that night. I took it right after dinner and went to bed. It saved me from a night of sitting in my room, wondering what Brody and Kara were doing at the dance. If he pulled her close during the slow songs. Did he kiss her? My mind whirled with thoughts of them until I thought I’d go crazy. After I took the pill, sleep sucked me in and took away all thoughts of Brody, Kara, and the girl’s choice dance.

Saturday, Jaden and I went to a movie and The Dive for dinner afterward. As soon as I walked in, I knew he was there. I hadn’t seen him. It was as if my mind and body were still connected to him. They sensed him. I had Brody radar.

Jaden walked to the back of the restaurant where he always sat. I followed behind him, keeping my gaze locked firmly on the floor. I knew the second I passed the table where Brody sat. I could smell his subtle scent. And then I smelled something else. Something flowery and feminine… and I knew he wasn’t alone. Tears pressed behind my eyes, and I tried to swallow down the lump that’d lodged itself in my throat. One lone tear escaped, and trailing down my cheek and dripping from my chin before I could catch it.

Are they freakin’ everywhere?

When Jaden and I sat at our table, I made sure to sit with my back to the rest of the room. I didn’t want to look up and see Brody with her. It was bad enough knowing they were there. I didn’t need to watch them too.

Jaden and I ate our burgers—with freakin’ mayo. We barely said two words to each other. I didn’t know why he insisted on staying together. It was obvious we didn’t love each other. We barely tolerated one another. But he wouldn’t let go.

When he finished his meal, he wandered from table to table, talking and joking with his buddies. As usual for a Saturday night, The Dive was packed wall to wall with people from school. I sat in the booth, waiting for him to get tired and decide to take me home. I played with my leftover French fries, running them through the puddle of ketchup and using it to make designs across my plate.

We’d been there an hour when I got up to use the restroom. I walked by Jaden and his hand snaked out and grabbed my wrist, yanking me back to him. I let out a small yelp when he jarred my shoulder.

“Where are you going?”

“I have to use the bathroom. Is that okay with you or would you rather I pee myself in the middle of the restaurant?”

He dropped my wrist and turned his back to me. I let out a breath through my teeth, biting my lower lip to keep from saying something stupid.

I walked into the restroom and froze. My mind screamed at me to turn around and leave, but my feet wouldn’t work. It was as if they were made of lead. I couldn’t lift them. She saw me in the mirror.

“Hi, Willow.” She gave me a small smile.

“Kara.”

“This is kind of awkward,” she said with a nervous laugh.

I just smiled.

Why should it be awkward? Just because you’re dating the one person I love more than anything? Nah, not awkward at all. Twit.

“Well, I better get back…” She let her words trail off and gestured toward the door.

I moved away from the door. “Yeah, your date is probably waiting for you,” I said with an edge.

“I’ll see you around,” she said before she hurried out of the room.

I hope not.

It was two weeks later when I came face to face with Brody in independent study. It was the first time we’d come in close contact since the morning outside English class. We just stared at each other. Neither of us seemed to know what to say or do.

“Hey,” Brody finally said.

“Hi, Ace.”

There was another long, awkward pause.

“Well, I need to get back to work.” He gestured to his things strewn across a table.

“Sure.”

He started to walk away, and I panicked. I just wanted another few seconds with him. I needed it, even if it was filled with so much tension it was suffocating.

“Brody?”

He stopped with his back to me.

“I’m glad you found someone who makes you happy,” I whispered behind him. I wanted to touch him so badly. Reaching out, I let the tips of my fingers graze his shoulder. He tensed, but he didn’t pull away. I fisted my hand, and it dropped to my side.

I sighed. “Um, there’s something I need to tell you.” I paused, hoping he’d react, show some interest. Anything. He didn’t. He kept his back to me.

I licked my lips and pushed a piece of hair behind my ear. “I don’t know if you remember, but not long after we met, you told me reputations aren’t always deserved. Well, I need you to know that sometimes things aren’t always what they seem. Um… some… something can look like something else. Sometimes people do or say things they have to, to protect the person they love most in the world. They become great chameleons. It’s the only way they can survive. It’s how they protect themselves and the one person they love more than themselves. The one person they’d never hurt—if we lived in a perfect world.”

I gave a bitter laugh and ran my tongue over my lips. “I’m babbling. I just, well, I hope one day you’ll understand what’s happened and why I did what I did.” I swallowed back my tears. Giving up, I touched his arm. He didn’t move away, but he didn’t acknowledge it either. “When we were together, I meant every word I ever said to you, Brody. Every word. And when I broke it off, I didn’t mean any of them. Not a damn one.”

I waited for him to acknowledge me. Other than seeing his jaw working, he did nothing. Said nothing.

“I don’t love Jaden. I never have. It’s you. It was always you. I’m just sorry our relationship wasn’t strong enough for you to see through the lie and believe in what we had—or what I thought we had.”

I took in a big breath and let it out slowly before I said, “And I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to stand up and fight for us. I let them break me. Goodbye, Brody. Be happy.” I hurried away. I knew it would be the last time I’d speak to him. As soon as I reached the hall, I ran to the girls’ restroom and threw up.

January.

A new year, same bullshit. Brody and Kara were still a couple. And I still felt like someone shoved a knife in my chest every time I saw Brody with her, laughing, holding hands, kissing. It was torture.

I was still imprisoned by Jaden and his rules. And Ralph, Jaden’s watchdog. Jaden was as inattentive to me as always. If anything, it got steadily worse. He went about his day like I was a burden, an albatross he carried. I couldn’t understand what his reason was to keep me around.

Jaden’s New Year’s resolution was to stop hiding his extracurricular activities and flaunt his many hookups in front of me… and the entire student body of Cassidy High.

“If you’re not going to give it up, I’m going to find someone who will,” he’d told me when I confronted him.

I didn’t bring it up again. Five months until graduation. I could make it.

February.

“I hate Valentine’s Day. It is a day for nothing but disappointment.” ~Larisa Oleynik

The month of love and all that crap. It made me want to vomit. Whoever said time heals all wounds didn’t know what the hell they were talking about. It still felt like the breath was sucked out of my lungs every time I saw Brody.

I just wanted to talk to him one more time. Touch him. Feel him touch me. I needed to tell him I loved him. He’d never listen and I didn’t blame him.

The month of love. Yeah. Blah, blah and frickin’ blah.

March.

Three months until graduation. Things were the same. Brody was still dating Kara, and Jaden and I were… whatever we were. I didn’t even know anymore. He barely tolerated me. He hooked up with some skank whenever he got the chance. Once again, I wondered why he didn’t just let me go. I thought he got off on making my life miserable.

Chess club was coming to an end. The regional tournament was held at Cassidy High on the last Saturday of the month.

“Are you ready for this, chickie?” Tim asked.

“Yeah. It should be cake.”

“Good luck.”

“You, too,” I said.

I shook hands with my opponent and sat down in front of the board. My eyes traveled over the squares as I mentally prepared my strategy. The buzzer sounded, and the game began. The girl I played made her first move. I knew exactly what her strategy was as soon as she placed her first piece. I scanned the board, working out my next three plays. I’d have her in checkmate in five moves.

It took seven moves, but I won the game. I moved up in the rankings. Everyone from Cassidy won their game. We were in first place going into the second round.

My second game took longer to win. He was a good player, but made a stupid mistake that cost him the game. Once again, everyone from Cassidy won their game.

By the third game, I was really in my zone. I ignored the other games around me, blocking out the sound of the pieces hitting the board and the clicks of the timers. The game was over quickly. That round two of our players were eliminated. We were still in first place.

By the sixth and final game, Cassidy was still ranked number one. I won my game and walked to the table where the PTO had laid out snacks and drinks for the players. I grabbed an energy drink and turned to watch the games still being played. Movement in the bleachers caught my eye, and I looked up just in time to see Brody slip out the side door on the other side of the gym.

My heart skipped a beat, and then another. I was out the door before I had time to think. I ran down the hall and around the corner, but the hall was empty.

Maybe it was someone else. He wouldn’t come to my chess tournament. It’s not like it’s a big deal. There are barely a handful of people here to watch. It wasn’t him.

I shook my head and went back in the gym to wait for the games to end. Cassidy won the regional championship and went on to win state.

Jaden never came to the tournaments or even asked about them.

April

The first day of the month, Brody’s birthday. Yeah, that day totally sucked. I tried to hold back my tears, but more than a few leaked out. The pain of losing him tore through me, slicing my heart along the way. Almost like it was happening for the first time. I knew I should ignore his birthday. He didn’t want anything from me, and why would he?

But I couldn’t ignore it. I bought a birthday card, not too mushy, but with a short poem that talked of love and friendship.

I kept what I wrote simple:

“I miss us. Happy Birthday, Willow.”

“Write something more, Willow. This is your chance to really say something.” Jenna slid the card across the table to me.

“Like what? Please come back to me. I lied to you, but I still love you?”

“Well, no. We’ll think of something great,” she said.

“No. This is fine. I don’t want to garf it up with a bunch romantic crap and fluffy apologies.” I put the card in the envelope and closed it with the envelope seal that came with it. “There. Done.”

“Do you want me or Tim to give it to him? We see him at lunch. He always has that growth attached to him, though. I mean, Kara is nice and all, but she is so ditzy. I can’t believe he went from you to her. Talk about dating down, and down, and down, and down the dating scale.

I had to smile. Jenna usually found a way to make me smile. “No, I’m going to slip it in his locker. But thanks.”

I slipped the card in the vent of his locker. I wanted to do more, so much more, but I settled for the card. If he actually read it and didn’t toss it in the trash, it’d be a miracle.

April was also the start of baseball and softball season. I played softball on the varsity softball team. I was surprised to learn Brody tried out and made the cut for the varsity baseball team. I went to every one of his home games. I’d show up late and sit on the ground next to the bleachers where he couldn’t see me, and I’d leave early. If he knew I was there, he never gave any indication.

He was a good player, strong and fast. Watching him, seeing his muscles flex as he hit the ball or ran the bases, was torture. The sight of him still warmed places in me only he could touch.

I never saw Kara at his games and wondered if they were still dating. I asked Luce. If anyone knew, it would be her.

“Nope. He’s a free agent,” Luce told me.

“Did he break up with her or did she break up with him?”

She looked at me for what seemed like minutes before asking, “Does it matter?”

“No, I guess not. Thanks, Luce.”

“Anytime.”

Brody is single. Would I stand a chance if I could get away from Jaden?

My heart did a funny dance inside my chest. I had to remind myself that it didn’t matter. He didn’t want me, and I shouldn’t want him.

It was the middle of April. My mom, Ralph, and I were having dinner and I mentioned that Jaden and I weren’t a happy couple. That he’d been hooking up with other girls, and he didn’t bother hiding it. And maybe it was time we went our separate ways.

I don’t remember much after that, other than the blinding pain of the first punch that sent me flying out of my chair. Then Ralph was on top of me, slamming my head against the floor over and over and over.

I woke up alone in the hospital the next afternoon with a concussion, three broken ribs, and a punctured lung.

Within an hour of my regaining consciousness, the same case manager from the day my shoulder was dislocated came into my room. She asked me what happened, and for once, I didn’t have to lie. I couldn’t remember.

After the case manager left, I sat on the side of my hospital bed, looking out the window. It was raining and I stared at the fat raindrops as they hit the window, trying to forget where I was. The world seemed to slow, the raindrops pulling me away from my life. Just away.

I closed my eyes and tried to hold onto that feeling, but the smell of illness and antiseptic filled my nose, the constant beeping of machines in other rooms made my head pound, and the tubes hooked in my arms kept getting in my way. And I was pushed from my solitary world back into the hospital and the life that put me there. I just wanted to run away screaming.

I’d been there three days. My mother visited once. Ralph didn’t come at all. I didn’t really expect him to. Jaden was there nearly every hour. It’d been torture. Visiting hours were over in a little less than an hour. Jaden had just left.

I knew he was in the room before he spoke. I didn’t turn around.

“I always knew he’d put you in the hospital one day,” Brody said quietly.

I squeezed my eyes closed and bit my bottom lip to keep it from quivering. I nodded. When I thought I could answer without breaking down in tears, I said, “You called it, Ace.” My voice trembled.

“Are you okay?”

I took in a breath to keep the tears away, hoping Brody didn’t hear the shudder in it. “Never better.” A knot formed in my stomach, traveled up my throat, and lodged there. It felt like someone was strangling me from the inside. My hands fisted in the bed sheets so hard my fingernails bent against my palms.

“Glad to hear it.” I listened as he walked out of the room.

A sob ripped from my chest and I fell to the floor, pulling my IV from my arm. Blood and IV solution dripped on the floor and monitors blared. My nurse rushed into my room to find me lying on the cold tile floor, sobbing, holding my chest above my heart. It physically hurt. Could a heart really break? It felt as though mine had shattered.

“Honey, what happened? Are you okay?” she asked, kneeling beside me.

“No,” I whispered.

The best thing in my life had just walked away from me. No, that wasn’t true. I pushed him away. The one person I didn’t want to live without—couldn’t live without. I just pushed him out of my life like he meant nothing. Again.

Life was a vindictive bitch.

May

The first, my birthday. Jaden forgot. I don’t know why I was surprised.

Jenna and Tim surprised me with a gift certificate for a spa day. I so needed that. A lavender footbath sounded like Heaven. Jenna and I made an appointment to go that Saturday.

“I want to get my feet babied, baby.” I smiled at them. “Thanks, guys. This is perfect.”

But the best gift came from someone who didn’t leave their name. It was taped to my locker when I got to school that morning. A white chocolate and almond candy bar.

“Brody,” I whispered.

And my heart soared.