Текст книги "Unspeakable"

Автор книги: Michelle K. Pickett

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 16 (всего у книги 21 страниц)

And Brody earned his fifth gold star. Five out of five stars. He had sufficiently won over my mom. I breathed a sigh of relief.

We lay on a blanket on the roof of Brody’s Jeep, wrapped in a quilt to keep warm, snuggled together, sharing body heat.

“The stars are pretty tonight,” I whispered.

“Mm-hmm.”

“I love coming here. Soon, it’ll be too cold.” I shivered.

“I know. I usually go to the planetarium in the winter. It’s not the same, though.”

“Do you want to come over and watch a movie? Ralph isn’t home this week.”

Brody turned his head and looked at me. His face was so close our noses nearly touched. “Your mom won’t mind?”

“No. She’ll probably be upstairs reading anyway.” I scooted forward and kissed him. His lips were cool against mine, but when his tongue slipped into my mouth, it was warm and tasted sweet. It sent my body into overdrive. Every time he touched me, my body reacted in ways that surprised me. But it was more than just physical. It was raw emotion. We didn’t hold anything back. We opened our bodies, hearts, and souls to each other and connected in a way that was beyond the physical.

I’d never given much thought to the idea of soul mates. I never knew if I believed there was only one person in the world meant for me. But Brody answered those questions. We connected in a way that I knew he was my other half. There wouldn’t be anyone else that would touch all of me the way Brody did.

“You’re freezing. Let’s go. We’ll get a movie on the way to your house,” he said when he ended our kiss.

“Okay,” I agreed reluctantly. I didn’t want to leave. Brody’s aunt’s property was my favorite place. It was the only place we were truly alone. We spent hours there talking and learning about each other.

And other things… those were good, too. Yeah.

I’d never been happier than I’d been the two months I dated Brody. It was bliss.

 

“When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.”

~ Stanislaw J. Lec

During the two months that Brody and I dated, Jaden was relatively quiet. Thankfully, he avoided us. But, like I knew he would, he told people I’d slept around with other guys while we dated. He made it sound as though it happened all the time. I’d known he’d try to trash my reputation. What surprised me was that people didn’t believe him. Not only was my reputation not ruined, but people also talked about Jaden sleeping around on me.

The truth was, I wasn’t sleeping with anyone. And thankfully, Brody wasn’t one of those guys who made up stories about bagging some chick to make their friends jealous or himself more popular. No, he was the type of guy who wasn’t embarrassed to tell people we hadn’t had sex. It didn’t bother him what others thought.

Although Jaden remained somewhat detached from the situation, acting as if it didn’t matter—maybe it didn’t—he still had moments when he just couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

It was a Monday, and Brody and I had just walked into the commons during lunch. We had to walk by Jaden’s table to get to my locker for my afternoon dose of caffeine.

“What do you have today, caffeine or caffeine and chocolate?” Brody asked. “I know how nervous you get before an exam. You might need a fix of both before our calc. exam,” he teased.

“Ha, you are so very funny. I think I’ll stick with the—”

“There’s the slut of Cassidy High,” Jaden shouted when he saw us walk by.

Brody’s fist darted out so quickly that no one had time to react. He landed a hard punch to Jaden’s jaw, knocking him off his chair. Jaden jumped to his feet and charged Brody, but his football teammates held him back.

Brody grinned. “Watch your mouth, Jaden.” He threaded his fingers through mine and walked away as though nothing happened. “So, what’s in your stash?” he asked when we reached my locker.

“You can’t do that. It doesn’t matter what he says, Brody. You can’t do that. Look at you,” I grabbed his hand and looked at his knuckles. “You’re hurt.”

“Nah.” He pulled me to him by the belt loops on my jeans and bent down, kissing me slowly. When he raised his head, he looked in my eyes. “I don’t like hearing him say things like that about you.”

“It doesn’t matter what he says. Just leave it alone.” When he opened his mouth to argue, I put my finger over his lips. “For me. Please.”

He nodded once and leaned his forehead to mine. “Okay. For you.” He pulled back and kissed my forehead. “Let’s get your caffeine and go eat.”

“Have you asked him yet?” Jenna asked in history class. It was Friday, and I was itching for school to end. Brody and I had a weekend full of things planned.

Jenna doodled little hearts across my notepad. I shooed her pencil away. “No. He’s coming over after school. I’m going to ask him then.”

“Is Ralph home this week?”

I blew a lock of hair out of my eyes. “He’s coming home tomorrow.”

Jenna started drawing hearts across the table. “You’ve got to tell him sooner or later.”

“I know. I thought we’d wait until the wedding.”

Jenna laughed. “Yeah, that might be a good idea.” She drew a big heart across the table and filled it with little ones.

“Vandal,” I said with a laugh.

“Yeah, I’m a rebel. I have detention this week anyway. I might as well make it worthwhile.”

“What’d you do this time?” I asked with a sigh. Jenna was a detention addict. She had detention as much as I had caffeine.

“I needed to use the bathroom in English and old fart bag Malone wouldn’t give me the bathroom pass. And I needed to go. It was a woman thing, if you know what I mean.”

I nodded. “And?”

“I just left and went to the bathroom anyway. She hunted me down and yelled at me through the bathroom stall. I yelled some four-letter words back. I wanted to throw my tampon at her, but decided that might’ve got me suspended, so I didn’t.”

“Good call,” I said, trying not to laugh.

I paced my room, waiting for Brody to get there. I was so nervous.

Get over it. It’s Brody. He’s the last person I have to be nervous around.

The girls’ choice dance at school was in two weeks. I’d never been to one. Jaden didn’t do dances. This would be my first official school dance with a date. Providing, of course, Brody didn’t find them as repulsive as Jaden did. But even if he weren’t all that thrilled with school dances, he’d go if he knew I wanted to. Brody was like that.

I took the small slip of paper out of my drawer and read it for the hundredth time. A small smile curved my lips. Brody loved my sarcastic T-shirts, but I couldn’t wear one to the dance. So I wrote a sarcastic saying on a piece of paper, planned to show it to him, and tell him I’d pin it inside my dress so he’d know it was there.

The doorbell chimed, and I flitted down the stairs. “Hey, Ace,” I said when I opened the door.

“Hey, you.” He leaned down to kiss me just as my mother walked into the room. Curse her. He pulled back. “Hello, Mrs. McKenna. It’s nice to see you again.”

“Hello, Brody. Thank you. It’s nice to see you, too. Everything well? School going alright…?” She let her words trail off. I was shocked she’d even said that much.

“Yes, ma’am, I’m fine. School is great, although I find some of the material boring as it’s a repeat from my previous school.” Brody rocked back on his heels and gave her a small smile.

Although I loved that my mom liked Brody and was interested in him enough to actually start a conversation, I had to break up the Brody love-fest. “Come on, I want to show you something.” I reached for his hand and pulled him toward the stairway.

We were halfway up the stairs when the door leading from the garage into the kitchen slammed open. It hit the wall with a boom before it bounced back and slammed shut. I jumped and swung my head in the direction of the door.

“Willow!” he barked.

“Oh shit,” I breathed.

“What’s wrong?” Brody asked. When I didn’t answer, he pulled my face to him. “What?”

“Janine! Where is she?”

“Ralph, what’s wrong?” I heard my mother ask in her soft, comforting voice.

“That little slut daughter of yours, that’s what’s wrong.” He spat the words. So full of venom and hate, I flinched as though they hit me.

I felt Brody stiffen beside me, and my heart sank. I knew what was coming, and I knew Brody couldn’t be there for it.

“Hi, Mrs. McKenna,” Jaden said.

Jaden? Jaden. What is Jaden doing here?

“Jaden.” My mom acknowledged. “I didn’t expect to see you hanging around.” I could hear the false cheerfulness she forced.

“What the hell is he doing here?” I whispered.

Breathe. Just breathe.

I heard Ralph stumble around. His voice was closer, louder. “She’s been dating someone behind Jaden’s back. The whore. Where is she?”

“No, no, no.” I looked at Brody and shook my head. “I didn’t… I didn’t…” I shook my head, my mouth opening and shutting as I floundered for something to say. “Brody, I didn’t… I love you… I… no.” I still shook my head.

I put my fingers on my temple and pushed so hard it hurt. My mind was whirring, putting the pieces together as quickly as I could. Jaden had gotten to my stepdad, the one person who’d always been in his corner. According to him, Jaden could do no wrong, which is exactly why I’d kept Brody a secret from him and Jaden as long as I could.

“Ralph, calm down,” my mom said.

“Please, Brody, please, you have to go,” I told him, looking over my shoulder. I tried to push him toward the door. It was like trying to push a wooden bookcase full of books across a carpeted floor. He wasn’t moving. “We’ll talk later,” I whispered. “I promise. Please.”

“You’re back with Jaden?” Brody looked at me, confusion and hurt in his eyes.

I shook my head no. My mouth opening and closing as I tried to think of someway to explain what was going on, but I needed Brody to leave so I said, “Yes.” I nearly choked on the word. Bile rose in my throat and I felt my mouth fill with saliva, the kind a person gets right before they puke. It was sickening to say I was with Jaden, even if it was a lie.

Brody nodded once before looking into my eyes. “Tell me why you’re back with him and I’ll leave.”

“I love him.”

“You’re lying.”

“No. No, I’m not. I love him. Now leave, please.” I opened the door to push him out; he stood firmly in place.

I heard footsteps coming down the hallway.

Oh, no!

“Brody,” I whispered. “Please leave. You can’t be here... we can talk later on the phone and I’ll explain everything.” I pleaded with my eyes for him to go. “If Ralph sees you… please.”

He didn’t move.

I panicked and said the first thing that popped into my head. “We can’t be together. I’m not in love with you. I never loved you. I love Jaden. I used you to make him jealous.” I tried to think of anything hurtful I could say to him that would get him out of the house as fast as I could and keep him away.

Please go, hurry, hurry.

“Willow!”

I jumped, sucked in a sharp breath, and slapped my hand over my mouth to keep quiet. I could feel tears pressing against the back of my eyes.

“Brody, you have to go.” I jerked him by the arm toward the door. When he didn’t move, I looked at him and yelled, “Go!”

“Who are you yelling at, girl? You best be watching that smart mouth. Get your ass in here. Now!” he shouted.

Oh, he sounds really drunk. Please leave, Brody. Somehow, I hope you know I love you. Always will.

Brody walked slowly out the door. His eyes searched mine. Placing a hand lightly on the side of my face, in a broken voice, he said, “I love you.”

It took everything in me, but I made myself jerk away from his touch. “Goodbye, Brody.” I was screaming inside. ‘No, no, no! I love you.’ I couldn’t hear anything over the screams in my head and the blood rushing behind my ears.

The first tear rolled down my cheek just as I shut the door. I laid my forehead against the scarred wood and felt a sob ricochet through my body. It sliced through my insides like a shard of glass. Saying goodbye to Brody, hurting him, was more painful than anything I’d ever felt. It ripped through me more than any punch. It stole my breath worse than any kick, tasted worse than my own blood after getting backhanded. I’d gladly suffer through any of those to take back the hurt I’d seen in Brody’s eyes. The hurt I’d put there.

But he had to leave. If he’d seen Brody here, he wouldn’t have just hurt me. He would have hurt Brody.

I wasn’t worth it. I had to make him stay away.

Breathe. Just breathe. You’re strong. Breathe.

I sat in the emergency room, my arm cradled against my chest. I’d been there three hours, waiting to be called back to see a doctor. Ralph dropped me off with an order to call when I was finished. My mother wanted to come with me, but he refused. Said he hadn’t seen her all week and didn’t want her to spend time in the emergency room instead of with him. Of course, she acquiesced. Nice. Thanks, thanks Mom. Makes me feel loved.

Kids screamed around me. Their piercing wails echoed off the tile floors and bounced against the bare walls. My head pounded. The man to my left vomited into a plastic bucket, and blood dripped on the floor from a dish towel covering the teenaged boy’s arm on my right. I tried not to look at either of them.

“Willow Rutherford,” a nurse finally yelled.

“I’m here.” I got up and followed her to an exam room.

“Why are you here today?” she asked. She was pretty and had kind, chocolate-colored eyes. I tried not to look at her. I didn’t want to cry, and she had the kind of face that made me want to cry and tell her all of my secrets.

I’d protected my secret for so long, it was like a vital organ in my body. One I couldn’t cut out.

“I fell down the stairs and hit my shoulder against the wall.”

She wrote something in her file. “Who’s with you?”

“No one.” I hated how my breath hitched. I wasn’t just alone at the hospital, but I was truly alone. Brody’s face flashed in front of my eyes. The hurt look. The questions in his eyes. The love. I swallowed down the lump that formed in my throat and tried to pull myself together. One problem at a time. That was the only way I’d get through this. One problem at a time.

She nodded and jotted something else in her file. “Okay, the doctor will be in shortly. Do you want me to turn the television on for you?”

I looked at the small TV hanging in the corner of the room and shook my head. “No, thank you. I’d rather just lie down.”

“Okay, sweetie. Buzz if you need anything.” She walked out of the room, pulling the door closed behind her.

I looked around. It looked like any other hospital room. Scuffed white walls, scary-looking machinery, heart monitors, IV poles, and stuff I had no idea what it was. I hated it. Laying back on the gurney, I closed my eyes. I breathed deep, trying to ease the pain in my shoulder.

There was a quick rap on the door and a tall, white-haired man walked in. “Ms. Rutherford?”

“Yes?”

“I’m Doctor Sebastian. What brings you here?”

I sighed. I already answered this. “I fell down the stairs and hit my shoulder against the wall.”

“Can you move your arm?”

“No.”

“We’re going to take some x-rays and see what’s going on in there.”

“Okay, thank you.”

Minutes later, a guy that didn’t look much older than me pushed a huge piece of machinery into the room. “Rutherford?”

“Yes.”

“I’m from X-ray.”

He took several shots from different angles. It hurt like hell, and I cried out several times. “I’m sorry,” I said, biting my lip.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry I have to bend it around. I know it hurts, but I’m almost done.”

When he finished, he told me the doctor would be in shortly to discuss the results with me. I waited an hour for the doctor. I sat on the gurney with my eyes closed, trying to focus on something other than where I was and what had happened to put me there. But all I could see were Brody’s blue eyes and the hurt in them.

My forehead leaned against the door Brody had just walked out. Tears and flashes of the pain in his eyes were all I could see. I felt like I cut a piece of me out when I hurt him. And I knew I hurt him. I could feel the pain radiate from his body.

He grabbed a handful of hair and jerked me backward. I couldn’t hold in my small scream, and he smirked. Next to hitting me, his favorite thing was hearing me cry and scream.

“What the hell were you doing? Cheating on Jaden with some punk. Who do you think you are?” A punch to the side punctuated his question, and the air whooshed out of my lungs. Ralph let go of my hair, and I dropped to my hands and knees. I saw Jaden leaning against the wall at the end of the hall. He smirked at me.

I grabbed the staircase banister and pulled myself up, only to be on the receiving end of another of Ralph’s fists.

“You know the only reason someone like Jaden even looks at you is because I’m friends with his family. He’d never waste his time on white trash like you if it weren’t for me.” He wrapped his hand around my upper arm and squeezed so hard I knew there’d be bruises the next day.

He pulled me to face Jaden. “Jaden has graciously agreed to take you back.” He looked at Jaden. His voice softened and he even grinned at him. Grinned. It was sickening, and it made me hate them even more. “Am I right, son?”

“Yes, sir. There will be rules, of course.”

“Definitely. Willow needs rules and punishment to keep her in line. She seems unable to make good decisions otherwise.” Ralph slapped Jaden on the back like they were old buddies. “Good, good, I’m glad we’ve got this worked out. Let’s go have dinner. I’m starving.”

Ralph shoved me toward the dining room. My arm and shoulder hit the doorframe hard, and I felt a pop followed by a searing pain.

I couldn’t use my arm throughout dinner, and when I tried to move it, the pain was so intense that bile rose in my throat and I was sure I’d either throw up or pass out from the pain. I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to think of anything other than the agony sawing through my body.

“Willow? Open your eyes,” my mom asked when dinner was over, but I hadn’t moved from my chair. When I didn’t, she knelt in front of me and realized my breathing was ragged and a fine sheen of sweat covered my face. She turned and called to Ralph, who’d already plopped down in his recliner and commandeered the remote. “Ralph! Ralph, I think she needs a doctor!” She silently looked in my eyes and cupped the side of my face before helping me out of the chair.

“Oh, for shit’s sake. Anything to make my life more difficult. Let’s go.” Grabbing his keys, he walked out the door. He didn’t look back to see if I needed help.

Jaden stood in the same place he had when the spectacle began. When my mother and I walked by, he twiddled his fingers at me and smiled. “See you at school, Willow.”

If I’d been able, I would’ve kicked him in the crotch so hard he’d have to pee through his nose for the rest of his life.

I jumped when the door opened and Dr. Sebastian, a tall, dark-skinned man wearing a white coat and looking at a computer tablet, walked in. “Ms. Rutherford?”

I looked up. “Hi.” I tried to smile. I didn’t think I managed it.

“I’ve reviewed your x-rays and the good news is nothing is broken. The bad news is your shoulder is dislocated.”

“Oh. What happens next?” My teeth chattered, and I wasn’t sure why. The exam room was warm, and the nurse had given me a heated blanket.

“Well, we need to set your shoulder, then we’ll take another x-ray to make sure everything looks okay, and then you can go home.”

Two nurses entered the room and the doctor took hold of my arm. I couldn’t really say what happened next. All I knew was it was the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life. I tried not to, but I screamed. A lot. And loudly. Then it was over.

“You did good, honey,” the pretty nurse told me. “Listen, Willow, is it okay if I call you Willow?” I nodded, and she smiled. “Are you sure there isn’t something you’d like to tell me about what happened?”

“No. I fell down the stairs.” I was getting good at lying. Once I decided what my story was, I almost believed it myself.

She patted my leg and smiled. “X-ray is here.” She left, and the same guy rolled the x-ray machine into the room.

He asked me how I’d hurt myself while he took the x-rays. I repeated my story to him.

A few minutes after X-ray left, an older woman who wore too much perfume and was wearing a blue suit that didn’t quite fit came into my room with my nurse.

“Hi, Willow. I’m Joyce. I’m a case manager for the hospital.”

“Okay,” I said slowly.

“I just want to make sure we understand exactly what happened to you today. Can you tell me in your own words what led up to your accident?”

No, but I can lie to you.

“I was rushing down the stairs to answer the door. My foot missed a step. I fell down them and hit my shoulder against the wall at the bottom of the stairs.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Who’s with you today?”

“No one.”

“How are you getting home?”

“My stepdad said to call him when I was finished and he’d pick me up,” I whispered.

All through our conversation, Joyce wrote in her file. When she’d finished with her notes, she looked at me. “If something else happened, you can tell me. Anything you say in here is strictly confidential.”

I shook my head and bit a hangnail on my finger. “Nothing else happened,” I lied.

“Okay. The nurse will get your discharge papers ready.”

“Thank you,” I said, my gaze locked on the floor.

An hour later, I was in the car with my mom riding home. My arm was in a sling to allow the tendons and crap time to heal. I didn’t know. I didn’t really listen. They gave me something for pain, my discharge papers, and told me to see my regular doctor in a week. I wouldn’t.

My mom let me stay home from school Monday, partly because my shoulder still hurt and the pain pills made me sick, and partly because I think she felt guilty.

She should have stopped it. She should have done something, anything, except what she did. She just stood there and did nothing, because if she did something, he might expose her secret. Tell what she did. And then people would know she was something so much worse than white trash who snagged the most sought after bachelor in Middleton.

Tuesday was my first day back at school. The first day I’d see Brody since telling him I didn’t love him. I dreaded going into biology. I tried to rearrange my schedule so I could avoid him—seeing him every day was going to be torture—but there was only one AP biology class, so I was stuck.

Brody wasn’t there when I walked into class. Jenna carried my books for me. She laid my bag on the table in front of my chair and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’ll see you in history. If you need anything, text me. I don’t care what it is, Willow. Text me. I mean it.”

Nodding, I sat down. I didn’t look at anyone, and I didn’t speak. I just sat staring straight ahead at the whiteboard, waiting for the teacher to start his mind-numbing lecture. Steeling myself for Brody’s arrival.

Someone slipped into the chair next to me, and I stiffened. I let out the breath I was holding when he spoke. “Hey, chickie. How ya doin’?” Tim asked, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

I shrugged a shoulder—my good one. Tears pressed behind my eyes. I knew if I said anything, I’d start to cry. Again. So I didn’t say anything, and Tim was okay with that.

“Um, we switched seats. I thought it might be easier for you,” Tim murmured. I nodded again and looked away. “I’m only gonna say this once because I know you won’t want us to keep bringing it up, but I’m really sorry. You got a shit deal, Willow. I know you love Brody. I don’t know what happened with Jaden, but I know this isn’t what you want.” He looked at my arm. “It isn’t what any of us want.”

I didn’t say anything. The single tear that ran down my cheek said everything for me. I swiped it away before anyone other than Tim saw. He rubbed his hand up and down my back before he got my book out of my bag for me.

I couldn’t concentrate during class. All I did was wonder if Brody was sitting in Tim’s old seat—two rows behind me and the table to the right. I wanted to turn and look. I didn’t.

After class, Tim helped me gather my things and put them in my bag. He swung the strap over his shoulder. “I got a pass from the office excusing me for being late to my classes so I can carry your things to each of your classes until you get the sling off your arm next week.”

That’s something Jaden should be doing. But, no. It’s not about him. Thank God for Tim and Jenna.

“Thanks.” It was the first word I’d said since walking into the building with Jenna that morning.

Tim and I walked silently to my English class. I hesitated outside the door. Tim waited quietly beside me. The warning bell sounded, and I knew I had to go inside, but I couldn’t get my feet to move. I could feel the panic welling up inside me like a tumor growing. It was suffocating me. I couldn’t take a breath. Blood rushed behind my ears and I felt sweat slither down my spine, causing my shirt to stick to my skin. My whole body began to shake and my teeth chattered like I was standing outside in the middle of winter, but the school was warm.

I can’t do this.

Images of Brody played in front of my eyes. The night at his Aunt Bess’s bar when we played pool and I made him think I’d never played before. The night in the tent, laying under the twinkle lights. How he looked as he leaned down to kiss me for the first time. His crooked grin, sapphire eyes… the images ran like a slide show in front of my eyes, faster and faster until I was dizzy. I reached out and steadied myself against the wall.

“Hey, are you sure you’re up to this?” Tim put his arm around my waist, and I leaned into him.

Then the tears started. I couldn’t get them to stop. They just kept coming, one after another after another until I thought I’d drown in them. I buried my head in Tim’s shoulder and cried silently, trying not to draw attention to myself. I had enough attention without everyone seeing me have a mental break in front of my second-period English class.

“Let’s go. We’re outta here,” Tim said, pulling me gently away from the door.

I shook my head and wiped the tears off my face. “I can do it,” I whispered. I raised my head from Tim’s shoulder. That was when I saw him. He was standing about five feet away, staring at me. His jaw set in hard lines. It was the first time I’d seen him since he left my house. Since I told him I didn’t love him. I opened my mouth to say something, shaking my head slightly. There was so much I needed to tell him, but his face was closed off, and I knew I’d ruined everything I had with Brody. I looked at him once more, pleading with my eyes for him to give me some sign that he understood. When he just stared at me, his jaw clenching and unclenching, I dropped my gaze to the floor, turned, and walked into class.

I wished Tim had English with me so he could switch seats with Brody again. But, in the end, I didn’t need to worry. Brody found someone else to switch with. I didn’t know where he sat. I forced myself not to look. I just knew he wasn’t near me. It should have made things easier, but for some reason, it didn’t. It made everything worse. I didn’t understand why, and I didn’t have the energy to try to figure it out.

The rest of the day continued much the same way. Tim met me at each class and gathered my things for me, carrying them to my next class. In each, Brody had found another seat.

At lunch, I sat with Jaden and his group of friends. I didn’t eat—I lived on high-caffeine energy drinks and nothing else—and I didn’t go to Jenna and Tim’s table to say ‘hi’ like I used to. I was afraid Brody would be there. Instead, I stared straight ahead, not speaking unless someone spoke to me. Jaden was oblivious.

When the day was finally over and Jenna dropped me off at home, I went to my room and lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I didn’t go down for dinner. I never left my room. No one noticed, or no one cared. Either way, they left me alone and that was how I preferred it.

My phone chimed around nine o’clock. I sighed and read the message.

Jenna: How’d it go?

Me: Don’t really want to talk about it.

Jenna: Ok. I’m here when you do.

Me: Thanks.

Jenna: Love you.

Me: Love you too.

I must have fallen asleep right after Jenna’s text, because when my alarm sounded the next morning, I was still lying on top of my blankets, wearing the clothes I wore to school the day before, my cell phone gripped in my hand.

I pulled myself out of bed and got ready for school.

The day was a repeat of the day before. And the next day and the day after that and the day after that, they all blended together. I went through the motions without paying attention. The only thing that changed was that I cried less. People who learned to close off their emotions were good at that, and I was becoming an expert.

I just tried to survive. I only had to make it to graduation. Just a few more months and it’d be over.

Breathe. I can do it. It can’t get any worse. Just breathe.