Текст книги "Finding Me "

Автор книги: Mariah Dietz

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Текущая страница: 18 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

“One of the most courageous things you can do is identify yourself, know who you are, what you believe in and where you want to go.”

–Sheila Murray Bethel

The sky is bluer than blue as I cross the Arizona border into California. It’s the dry stretch that travels through the Chocolate Mountains that Jameson refers to as rock piles.

I press a couple of buttons and ringing echoes through my car.

“Harper, did you make it safely?”

“I just crossed into California. I wanted to touch base with you and see how you’re feeling today.”

“I’m better knowing you’re finally happy.”

“I was happy, Kitty. I was happy in Delaware with Fitz, and you, and Danny. I enjoyed the lab, and school, and finding myself.”

“You were happy, weren’t you? You just weren’t fully complete.” I picture her knowing green eyes and smile. “I want to hear all about it! And you let me know when you get there. I don’t care how late it is.”

“Kitty?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you for finding me.”

There’s a long pause and then I hear her suck in a deep breath. “I didn’t find you, Harper. You found yourself. I just helped show you where to look.”

“I love you.” I wipe away a few tears that race down my cheeks.

“I love you too. Drive safe and don’t forget to let me know when you get there.”

“I will. I’ll text you if it’s really late, and then you can call me tomorrow.”

I pull up beside Kendall’s car a little after nine and let out a deep breath. “Alright, Dad, we made it,” I say quietly, running my fingers over the letter that rode across country with me over the last four days.

My bare feet burn slightly against the heat that clings to the asphalt as I grip my Converse shoes by their laces, my father’s letter still in hand. I look up to the night sky and see an airplane fly overhead, defying convention, and it makes me smile. I look beyond it and find the brightest star in the sky.

“I love you too, Dad.”

My finger shakes as I ring the doorbell.

The door opens a second later and rather than having the perfect movie scene where Max is standing here, ready to kiss me, Kendall looks at me with her bright blue eyes rounding and her breath leaving her in a quiet rush. A teary squeal climbs from her throat as she pulls me into her arms and hugs me with a severity that I’ve learned to recognize over the last few days is only able to transpire between someone that really loves you.

“I feel like I’m dreaming. I’m not though, right? You’re here?”

I smile and nod. “I’m here.”

She shakes her head and pulls me to her once again.

“I really want to talk to you. I have so much to explain, but I need to talk to Max really quick, first.”

“Ace?” Max steps behind Kendall, followed by his dad and Jameson. I hadn’t anticipated an audience during the million times I thought about this scene and how it would play out as I travelled across the entire country, but I work to push my discomfort aside and breathe. “What are you doing here?”

Kendall takes a few steps back as Max takes a few hesitant ones forward, and I lift my shoes for him to take.

His brow furrows as he takes the laces from my fingers. “What are … why are you giving me your … your shoes?”

I work to ignore the fact that the others are all looking at me with earnest anticipation and curiosity and focus on Max. “They’re the last piece of me.” My voice is quieter and sounds hoarse and broken, so I clear my throat. “I’m giving you my last piece. I didn’t know how else to show you that I’m not afraid anymore. You have to work with me a little with the metaphor here—”

My words stop as Max’s lips land on mine with a need that resonates in my soul.

When he pulls back, a smile is spread across his face. Cheers register and I look over Max’s shoulder to see Kendall, Tim, Jameson, Wes, and Landon all yelling and cheering. I smile and watch Jameson and Kendall hug as she bounces on her toes with excitement. My eyes float across the small group that I love as family and see their warm smiles. I stop when I reach Wes, who gives me a wink with a single nod before my sole focus returns to Max.

Just Max.

“How in the hell did he know?”

I raise my eyebrows in confusion.

“I have something for you to read later, but I think these guys want to see you first. And before that, I’m going to kiss you. I’m going to kiss the hell out of you until you don’t have a single doubt about being here.”

“I don’t have a single one,” I whisper against his cheek as he leans down to hug me. “Not a single one.”

Max still kisses me, long and hard, and the others give us an encore applause before finally disappearing into the house and allowing us a small bit of privacy.

“What do you have for me to read?”

“Do you want to read it now or go see everyone?”

“I want to read it. I want to explain everything—I have so much to tell you.”

Max’s hands clasp both sides of my face, and his forehead leans against mine as he releases a soft breath that holds the hint of mint and the promise of him.

He leads me to his room and opens the bottom drawer of his nightstand, revealing stacks of pictures of the two of us and of just me. One of my old anatomy flashcard sits in the back, and my most recent note is folded in half, covering several other previous ones. He fishes to the bottom of the drawer with a knowing practice and extracts a white envelope that has his name scrawled across it in my father’s handwriting. I look at Max as he pushes it toward me.

“He wanted you to read it when you were ready,” he explains softly.

A part of me feels anxious to read more words from my father and relish in this feeling that has descended upon me since reading his letter to me. Yet my chest tightens with a new wave of heartache from missing him.

I sit on the edge of Max’s bed and carefully open the letter.

Dear Max,

Each year in December I write a new letter to each of my girls, and also to their families. I know that you aren’t married yet, but I’ll bet my last dime that you’re going to be a member of our family forever, so I thought I may as well begin your stack of letters this year as well.

I write these letters so I can impart some final advice to my girls on the off chance that something ever happens to me, and I’m not there to help them in the way that I’ve always strived to.

When Muriel was pregnant with Mindi, we didn’t know she was a girl. Part of me had wanted a boy, someone to rebuild cars with, and watch sports, and one day drink a beer with, and talk about him proposing to a girl that he loved as much as I love Muriel. Five girls later I don’t have a single regret. I have cherished every single makeover, Barbie session, and tea party more than words could ever explain, and I look forward to enjoying them with all of my grandchildren, or granddaughters as they love to tease. They’re filled with the best things that life has to offer, and part of that is the emotions that sometimes run high. I’ve strived to balance between supporting them and offering them advice that will guide them in the right direction, without curtailing their own journey and decisions in the process.

I also write to them and tell them my favorite memories throughout the past year. This is difficult because there isn’t a single day that has passed over the last thirty years of my life that I haven’t loved my girls more than life itself. They’ve given me more amazing memories than most people experience in a lifetime.

We’ll start with the memories, but since this is my first letter to you, I need to go back a little further—back to the first day I met you and knew that you were going to play a role in my family. I knew it the second I saw you. I just didn’t realize what it would be until I saw Ace discreetly watching you each time she passed by a front window or stepped outside.

I pray that you’ll never see this letter, and chances are good you won’t, but on the off chance you do, there are some things I need to tell you.

First and foremost, it was your father’s loss that he didn’t get to watch you grow up and become the most amazingly wonderful man alive (Ace’s description … but I agree.) Don’t carry guilt or regret in your heart for someone that doesn’t deserve it. Focus on all of the people that love you, and if you ever need a reminder, I know six Bosse women that would be happy to do so.

The next is to have fun and be silly. Regardless of how old you are, find the joys in everything you do and with the people you enjoy doing them with.

I’ve come to love you as a son in a very short period of time. I wish I’d been this close to you since the day you moved in and my daughter began climbing out her bedroom window to watch the new neighbors. She was drawn to you even before either of you knew it. I know you’ve dated other girls and resolved some problems in ways that Ace considers barbaric, but I want you to know I don’t hold any of it against you, or think any less of you. Those experiences allowed you to realize how special Ace was when you two finally slowed down and stopped dancing around one another.

And my Ace, my Ace is so special. There are few people that can touch someone’s soul, and Ace has that effect with just a smile. There’s no way I can put into words how special she is, and I’m sure you know exactly what I mean when you read this, because she’s becoming your Ace.

If something is to ever happen to me I fear she’s going to run. You’ve already seen that she runs from troubles. Thankfully, she’s pretty much always run home to me, and I will say that although hearing and seeing her unhappy breaks my heart, knowing that she can come to me and feel safe has always been one of my greatest accomplishments. I’ve noticed lately that she’s begun turning to you. At first this really hurt me; she’s never chosen anyone over me … ever. That’s how I knew how much she cared about you. That week after your birthday she came all the way home to seek comfort from me, and then left me to go to you, and from there forward she began to seek comfort and support from you. Please, Max, from the very depth of my soul I plead to you to give it to her. I know it’s silly and pointless to ask, you’ve told me yourself how much you love her, and I know in my heart that it’s true. However, if she loses me too early, which she won’t—I refuse to go!—but for the sake of my sanity, if something does happen, you have to let her go.

It will hurt. It will hurt like hell, and I apologize from the bottom of my heart, but she’ll be lost in a way she never has been before. She’s going to question things, probably all things, and she’ll need to realize where her safety and comfort lies. You can’t tell her. You really can’t tell Ace many things. She has to feel it or experience it.

I wrote in her letter some advice that I hope will guide her and offer support, but Ace has always hated putting the last piece of the puzzle in; finality has always scared her, so I don’t know when she’ll read it.

She’s smart though, and she loves you more than she’s ever loved anyone. I dreaded losing Ace more than any of my girls because I feared losing my best friend, and I feared she’d never find someone that helped her become a stronger version of herself. But you, Max, I give you my Ace. I look forward to the day I get to walk her down the aisle and officially give you my daughter. If I’m not there, let her know I’m watching. I will always be watching out for the two of you.

Don’t let her scare you, Max, and don’t give up on her. She’ll be there, I guarantee it.

You can share this letter with her if you’d like. I’d like for you to when she’s ready so she can be reminded of my support and love for you guys.

Love,

Your father next door

PS

If I miss your first child—I pray this won’t happen but if I do—I want it on the record that I call it a boy.

Take care of my heart, Max. I’m leaving her in your hands.

I read the letter again as soon as I finish it as tears fall to my lap. After I read through it again, I look up at Max and wipe a tear away with my knuckle.

“God, I miss him.”

He nods and places a hand on my bare knee. “I know you do.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t know how to find myself here.”

Max shakes his head and releases a long breath. “I’m sorry I thought he was crazy. I should have waited. I should have gone and gotten you. I nearly did. I even bought tickets once. I didn’t know what in the hell to do because I didn’t want to force myself on you and have you run further, and yet after a while it seemed like you were never coming back.”

Another tear falls down my cheek and this time it’s Max’s finger that rises and brushes it away, and as he does I lean into it, savoring the warmth of his skin, and gentleness behind his touch.

“I love you, Ace. I love you so much it hurts. I want to be your home. I want to be everything for you.”

It feels like my soul and my heart are smiling. Everything that’s happened over the last year and a half has led me to this moment, to learning who I am. I know that I don’t need Max to support me in any way because Kitty’s taught me that I can do that for myself. I need Max to live though, and to breathe, because he’s what makes this trip worth taking.

I don’t wait another moment, I kiss Max with all of the love and passion, and desire that’s been stirring in me for what feels like years.

When we part, I focus on each of his features, tracing lines and planes that I have been seeing in my thoughts for the past year. Everything about him still feels familiar, everything but the hesitation I see lining his bright blue eyes, and the space between us that we both feel uncertain about crossing even though we’ve both professed our feelings. This is going to take time for us.

“We’re going to have to learn to trust each other again.” My voice is soft, but my conviction is firm. “I want to be the girl you fell in love with, but I’m worried. I’m worried that I’m not her anymore, because I’ve changed a lot this year.”

“If you’re more concerned about me…” Max’s bottom lip curves inward and his tongue slowly traces it as his eyes move over my shoulder for a few seconds before returning to mine “…you’re still the same person, Ace. You’re still strong, and funny, and kind, and smart, worrying way too much about others … just now, now you’re starting to see yourself. It amplifies all of the things that I love about you.” Max’s hand runs through his hair and his eyes drop. “I need to tell you about Erin. I need to apologize because—”

“I left. I get it.” My front teeth pull my bottom lip in to keep myself from saying anything for a second, and then I stop and talk myself through my thoughts. “I don’t think I ever understood how much your father leaving affected you. I should have. More importantly, I should never have run away.” My head shakes as the knuckle of my forefinger swipes my bottom lip dry. “I always thought with running away I was protecting myself. I’ve learned it’s done the opposite.”

“I wasn’t trying to replace you.”

“I know, you were trying to forget me.”

“I never could.” Max takes a short step forward, closing the uncomfortable gap between us. His hand slides along my jaw and settles against my cheek where I lean into it. “You were in my dreams…” his head shakes, “…nearly every night for so long.” His tongue wets his lips and his eyes drop again, like he’s ashamed or afraid to tell me more. “In my dreams it felt like you were really here. Like I was talking to you while experiencing us all over again. It was like some crazy illusion my mind made up so I could survive.”

“Si l’amour n’est qu’une illusion, alors qu’est-ce que la réalité? If love is nothing but an illusion, then what is real?” It’s a French proverb that hangs in my grandparent’s house in France, and for the first time in my life, I understand the words as I repeat them to Max.

“We can do this, right? We can go back to you and me.”

“I don’t think we ever stopped.”

Max’s head shakes. “Never.”

We hardly leave the confines of his room for the next four days, as we discuss all that’s happened in the time that we’ve been apart. Max explains that he basically failed his first year of medical school but managed to convince the dean not to kick him out of the program after he agreed to tutor college students in science and math courses that he had excelled in. I tell him about Kitty, working at the lab, and of Fitz, along with the ghosts that I’d brought with me when I left.

Between stories we become re-acclimated in every other way possible, spending countless hours into the night, and entire afternoons, kissing, touching, and making love to fill a thirst that seems impossible to quench. Few moments pass that we aren’t touching or lying against one another, dependent on one another.

Eventually we leave the boundaries of his room and spend a couple of days becoming reacquainted to our old routine with several new modifications. We spend time with Kendall, Jameson, Landon, and Wes, and now Tim. It’s so easy and natural that it confirms what I’ve already known for years, I’m in love with Max Miller.

I’ve found me, but I’ve always been his.

“Love doesn’t make the world go ‘round, Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.”

–Franklin P. Jones

 

After Ace returned, she took her time before finding out what secrets Clementine held. I didn’t push her. I knew that although she’d grown a lot in the time she’d been away, it didn’t make facing the loss of her father any easier. We spent several weeks doing nothing but spending time together. Many of those weeks were spent at our moms’, a concept that hurt us both to say aloud. Sunday dinners resumed, and with them I saw Ace flourish as she grew more comfortable with the fact that David wouldn’t be there to offer the humor and safety that I now recognize he provided her with. I can tell she misses both, but God is she strong. She doesn’t need the security anymore, though I occasionally try to fill that void, more because I never want to see her hurt than the fact that she actually needs it.

Her sisters and mom were nearly as happy as I was to have her back. She isn’t the axis to their world like she is mine, but she is their sun, creating warmth and balance to the family.

I know Kyle was a little perturbed about my presence initially. He ignored me, refusing to acknowledge me for the first few weeks. Ace pleaded with me to allow her to talk to him, to try and explain things so he could understand. I assured her she was free to explain anything she wanted to him about her own experience, but that I wasn’t willing to try and justify anything I’d done. I knew that Ace forgave me for Erin, and for giving up on her, but I knew that Kyle never would, and I didn’t expect him to. It took me a long time, and multiple conversations with her, Landon, Hank, and eventually Fitz of all people, to be able to forgive myself. Kyle however forgave me first. We were at home for a long weekend, and although I hated being apart from her at night, I appreciated that she planned the times because it helped me repair and rebuild the relationship with my mom that had also suffered during the time Ace was away.

I was installing a new mailbox for Muriel after some asshat knocked hers over in the middle of the night. She cried when she found it, and I didn’t know if it was because it held memories or because she didn’t know how to repair it herself. Kyle drove up and parked his truck beside me. I could feel him staring at me as he got out.

“She loves you.”

I turned to see his expression, because his words shocked the hell out of me, and I wanted to see if there was rage or something more behind it. There wasn’t. He was staring at me like Ace sometimes does when she’s trying to gauge how I’m feeling.

“I love her. I love her to the ends of the earth.”

He nodded a few times and then scratched his jaw, turning his attention to the mailbox. “I know you do. Don’t let her do that again.”

I nodded, unable to find words because his caused such an influx of fears to course through me I couldn’t articulate my own name.

After that, things became easier and easier between the two of us, yet the fear he awakened seemed to haunt me. Anytime Ace was late or didn’t reply instantly to a call or text, I started to feel a panic rise within me that I had to work to control so I didn’t come across as a controlling asshole.

When Ace came back that day in July, holding her Converse out to me, my muscles were so tightly wound as I waited for some kind of indication as to why she was standing there. As soon as I saw the envelope clutched in her hand, I said a silent prayer to David to help me, because if she was coming for any other reason, I wasn’t going to let her go. I’d have tied her to a chair until she was done processing. I knew Kendall wouldn’t have been opposed.

When she made it clear she was back and that she still loved me, I’d never felt happiness like that, it was like a giant glacier that had built around me melted.

I insisted Ace move in, reasoning with her that there was no point in wasting the money on a second place—I wasn’t going to stay without her. I wouldn’t. Money wasn’t a concern to her and she debated that I might need my space from her periodically. I assured her endlessly that I’d never get my fill of her and refused to even discuss the option again.

I came home to find my bed—now our bed—covered in an overstuffed chocolate comforter with white and green designs that she used the word embroidered to describe when she showed it to me.

For the longest time, I felt like she was living out of the most minimal space possible which had me keyed up. I was always terrified she’d change her mind, pack up and go, and Kyle’s words compounded that fear.

One day when she was bringing her shampoo and conditioner out of the bathroom to store in a tote like she lived in a dorm or something, I panicked.

I managed to raise my voice and sound pissed off for about ten words before I told her my fears in a much quieter voice. Neither of us had realized that I was so on edge.

After that, Ace stopped packing up her things. I even have a box of tampons in the cabinet under the bathroom sink, next to fingernail polish and makeup.

It took Ace nine weeks to go uncover what Clementine held, and she discovered a box in the trunk that I was shocked to find because of all the many times I’d worked on her with David, I had never seen it before. The box contained large manila envelopes for each of his daughters, and an accompanying one for each of the respective husbands or boyfriends in Jameson’s and my case.

I went outside to read mine that same night, and as I opened it, the wind shifted and I swear he was there with me in some way or fashion as I read it.

It took Ace an additional five weeks to read hers. I had woken up and reached my arm out and felt the cool, empty sheets meet my palm and looked over and saw her sitting on the floor, wearing an outfit that looked like she was ready to go out running, but her hair was still down, and her cheeks weren’t flushed, indicating she hadn’t made it out yet.

Zeus was curled around her, his big box of a head lying on her lap. It took me a moment to realize large teardrops were rolling down her cheeks. She didn’t work to wipe them away as she clutched a paper in her hands, and I instantly knew what it was.

I remained still as a shadow, not wanting to interrupt her moment, but kept my eyes fixed on her as she read the letter and then put it down. She released a long breath and then smiled and picked it up and read it again.

She must have read the letter six times at least before she carefully folded it back up and returned it to its envelope and looked up to see me watching her.

She gave me a half smile and pet Zeus’s head before lifting it from her lap and padding over to me in her sock covered feet. Setting her letter down on the nightstand she climbed up into bed and straddled my waist, wiping one last tear from her cheek.

“I miss him. I miss him a lot still,” she said quietly.

“I know baby, I know you do. I miss him too.”

She nodded and folded in half, lying against my chest as I reached up and lightly traced circles on her back, a gesture that when returned made me squirm, but she found comforting. I felt her melt a little further into me.

Her hand traced over the tattoo on the inside of my bicep, my orange Chevelle with “Clementine” curving around the bottom that Landon and Jameson had gotten with me shortly after David had passed.

Weeks later, I’m still curious as to what Ace’s letter had said, David in his infinite wisdom has somehow managed to bring her back home and heal wounds that seemed so jagged and gruesome nearly overnight once she finally read her first letter. I haven’t asked though and won’t, I know from reading the rules and my own letter that these had been pieces of his heart. If she isn’t ready to share with me yet, it’s okay. I have her back, and there’s no way I’ll ever let her go again.