Текст книги "Finding Me "

Автор книги: Mariah Dietz

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Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

“We know what we are, but know not what we may be.”

–William Shakespeare

The following Wednesday I sit across from Kitty. She looks like her normal self, at least the normal self that I’ve become accustomed to. Her makeup is flawless and makes her face look slightly wider with the highlights she’s carefully applied¸ though it’s hard for me to erase how sallow her cheeks are without it. Her eyes look more vibrant with the eye liner and taupe eye shadow, and her hair that I now know is in fact a wig is perfect as always.

I wait for her to ask me the same question that she’s been asking me for months now: How am I doing?

“Are you going to ask me?” she finally asks, looking at me patiently, but sounding terse.

“Ask you what?”

“You know what.” Her head cocks to the side, silently daring me.

“I’m going home … well to California for a couple of weeks,” I state. Kitty looks at me, her eyes widening with surprise and I nod in confirmation. “My sister Jenny is getting married. She wants me to attend her shower, and bachelorette party, and stuff.”

“Do you want to attend them?”

“Yeah, I mean, I really like her fiancé, Adam, and I’m truly happy for them.”

“Are you concerned?”

I don’t bother playing dumb. We both know she’s referring to my mom, my dad, and Max—my own personal Bermuda Triangle. I clench my teeth and feel the edges of my lips grow tight as I give her a brief nod of confirmation. “I’m not sure that I’m ready to see any of them, but I’m also terrified to not see them.”

Kitty nods in understanding.

The hour is spent with more long and uncomfortable pauses stretched between brief sentences than what we experienced in the first month that I saw Kitty. When the long hand of the clock finally lands on the twelve, I rise from me seat and watch as Kitty does the same.

“You can’t hide from the sun. It will continue to rise even if you refuse to open your eyes,” are her parting words as I head toward my car.

I run my hand across my lap, smoothing my jeans from my seat on the plane. I’m not afraid to fly, not in the slightest. In fact, I took a course on aerodynamics because I’ve always had an affinity for them.

As I wiggle and resituate in my seat for the umpteenth time, I notice the woman across from my aisle seat giving me a long, sideways glance. My unease and nerves are becoming contagious. I open the package of motion sickness pills that claim to cause drowsiness and read the dosage recommended as I discreetly show her the package as an explanation for my restlessness. She sits back and I swallow the recommended amount, plus one for good measure. The guy beside me had pulled out the same pack of pills just a few moments ago, and is already starting to blink heavier.

An hour later, the man beside me is snoring—loudly. It’s a ridiculously obnoxious snore that periodically stirs him from his sleep and keeps causing annoyed glances to be shot in our direction. As his short, chubby arms fly out—nearly impaling me once again—followed by a snort that’s so loud it causes his own eyes to flutter open with a dazed and confused expression, I’m tempted to inform him that I’m pretty sure he has sleep apnea. He’s done this a half dozen times now, waking himself up just long enough to resituate in his seat and resume snoring. This time, his eyes aren’t open for more than a couple of seconds before his head lolls to the side again.

My eyes narrow into a glare, despising the fact that I’m still awake, thinking and re-thinking about if I’ll see Max, and what I’ll say to Max, and what Max might say to me, if he’ll speak to me … will Max speak to me?

When we land in San Diego, I shoot off a quick text to Fitz and Danny and grip my bag and purse from under the seat. I attempt to make it to the aisle before everyone begins stirring with their luggage that in no way constitutes a carry-on bag.

Our flight stops on the tarmac with an exit that allows us to walk outside and through a tented gate to the airport. When I file down the stairs, the warm sun pours down on me, providing me my first feeling of warmth in months. My heart hammers with anticipation as I follow the people in front of me through the airport to the baggage claim while the odd desire to search everyone’s face consumes me.

“Ace!”

I turn my head and instantly see Kendall running toward me, her blond hair curled in familiar waves. She engulfs me in a hug and rocks us back and forth as her arms stay locked around me.

“How was the flight?” Her hands slide down my arms.

“Good,” I lie.

Kendall smiles hopefully, still holding my wrists, and then hugs me once more. When she releases her hold on me, Jameson steps up so I don’t have to consider if it will be weird to hug my ex-boyfriend’s best friend and tightly holds me against his chest.

“It’s really good to see you, Ace.”

I stare out at the bright sun for a long moment, until the tears he caused to brim my eyes pass as I hug him back.

“Let’s go get your bags,” he says softly.

Since Christmas, I’ve been talking more with all of my sisters, especially Kendall. I’d tell her a little about different projects that I was working on and theories. I told her about Fitz and our trips to New York, Boston, and D.C. In turn, I heard about her new job and about Jameson and how things were going. Like the good sister that she is, she never mentioned Max, nor our mother’s impending nuptials. A couple of times we’d be chatting and I’d hear Max’s voice and one of us would quickly end the conversation, though I secretly yearned for those moments. Just to hear his voice from a distance made me feel somehow better for a short period.

“I thought Savannah was coming. I’m sorry you guys have to go out of your way to bring me there,” I say, swinging my purse higher on my arm.

“What?” Jameson asks, looking puzzled.

“Yeah, what? It’s not any trouble!” Kendall answers with a laugh. I can tell she’s lying about something. Kendall’s a good liar, but she has a tendency to tuck her hair behind her ear when she lies, and she’s just tucked it on both sides.

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing, let’s get your bags!”

Jameson gives me a tight smile and reaches for my small carry-on, wrapping his free arm around my sister’s shoulders.

Once my bags are in the trunk and Kendall and I are seated in the back, Jameson pulls away from the curb, cutting someone off. Their horn blares, making my neck muscles tighten.

“California drivers! I swear,” Jameson grumbles.

My head falls against the seat with a silent laugh as Kendall shakes her head.

“So, how are things going with at the lab?” Kendall asks, looking genuine, but rehearsed as she tucks her hair behind her ears again.

“What are you not telling me?” I ask, sitting up straighter as I carefully watch the shock dissipate from her face.

“Before I tell you, I need you to know that it’s not a big deal. And I need you to promise me that you’ll listen.”

“I’m going to regret coming, aren’t I?” I groan, looking up at the roof of the car as I realize how hot I feel with my layers of clothing and the sun pouring through the windows.

“It’s not a big deal! Seriously.”

“Can you wait to tell me until we’re at Savannah’s? Let’s be honest, she breaks bad news better than you.”

“You can’t stay with Savannah. Caulder got diagnosed with viral meningitis and Savannah is freaking out and having the entire house professionally cleaned. She and Sawyer are staying with mom.”

“Okay, then take me to Mindi’s. I know family will be staying there, but I can sleep on the floor, it’s no big deal.”

“No one’s staying there anymore. They’re staying at mom’s right now too because it turns out their house has been a breeding ground for mice and termites and is currently being fumigated as we speak to prepare for the … what is it called?”

“Structural restoration,” Jameson offers, keeping his focus on the road.

Kendall looks at me with raised eyebrows and a determined expression that I shake my head at. “I can’t stay there,” I say quietly, realizing what she’s anticipating. “Let me stay at a hotel.”

“You won’t see him, Ace. He’s going to be gone for the entire two weeks.” She reaches across the seat and holds my hand. I don’t know if she realizes how much her words upset me. I know how hard it is for me to see Max, but the fact that he’s working to stay away from me, hurts. “I promise,” she whispers.

“I should stay at a hotel. It will be easier.”

“No,” Kendall says, shaking her head. “I’ve seen you once in nearly a year. This is for me. I’m sorry if it’s selfish, and I know that it will be a little bit uncomfortable, but I would really appreciate if you would stay with us. With me.” Tears dance in Kendall’s blue eyes as she looks at me and it causes a pang of guilt to slice through my stubbornness. I catch Jameson’s eyes in the rearview mirror, looking at me with a matching hopeful expression, and I release a long breath and lean further back in my seat.

“I’ve entered the Twilight Zone, haven’t I?”

“I’ll be there with you. Everything will be okay, I swear.” She grips my hand tighter to convey assurance, but at this point I think I need something a lot stronger.

Just the sight of the house makes my lungs cave. I have the overwhelming urge to go inside to see if it looks and smells the same, still half-expecting to see him even though she’s assured me a dozen times that he’s gone. His Jeep is missing from the driveway, confirming the fact. Jameson grabs my suitcases, not commenting on the fact that I’ve obviously over packed. Kendall’s acclimated him to things like this.

She takes my carry-on and links her arm with mine. I can tell by her shorter, more hesitant steps that she realizes how nervous I am. Jameson opens the door without faltering and walks inside, leaving us on the porch. I silently peer inside to see the living room and formal sitting area that was converted into a game room when they moved in. It looks almost the exact same, and for some reason it shocks me. It seems like it should all be different.

“Hey!”

My thoughts cease as Landon walks into the living room, his arms already outstretched for a hug, though he’s still several feet away. I feel the pull of my cheeks as I smile in return and cross the threshold. I wrap my arms around him and feel the muscles in his arms constrict as he hugs me.

“How are you doing?” His words are spoken over the top of my head as he holds me tight for a long moment.

I reciprocate the hug, holding my arms tightly around his neck, smelling the familiar scent of his aftershave and cologne. When we each pull back, I notice the edge a small tattoo on the inside of his bicep that I’ve never noticed and rub my finger along it.

“What’s this?”

Landon smiles, but it’s a sorrowful smile that makes my heart squeeze.

“How was the flight?” Jameson asks, his voice sounds slightly louder than normal. I’m not sure if it’s because he knows what’s happening inside of me right now, or if his words just sound loud because of what’s going on inside of me right now.

I turn to look at him, and give a practiced smile before taking a few steps closer to him to set my purse beside my bags. With my last step, my foot connects with the floor and slides forward. Before I can react, I fall to the ground with an unceremonious grunt.

“Shit! Sorry, Ace!” Landon says, as the others apologize behind him. “The damn floors are slicker than all hell. You don’t want to walk around in socks or anything else that doesn’t have traction. The hallway to the bedrooms is pretty safe, but the kitchen and living room are both a bitch,” he explains, holding his hand out to help me stand back up.

“It smells really lemony in here. Did you guys try using like furniture polish on the floors?” I ask.

“It’s a long story.” Landon’s mouth closes as Kendall answers. “Let me go get some clean sheets and blankets.”

When she returns, I purposefully keep my feet on the area rug as I help her make half of the sectional into a bed and Jameson goes and makes drinks in the kitchen. Landon fills me in on where he’s working.

“Everyone’s coming for dinner tonight. They’re all really excited to see you,” Kendall says softly as she reaches over to place her hand on my arm. “I still can’t believe you’re here! The last couple of weeks went by so slow!”

I smile at her because I’m not sure what to say. In some ways it feels really good to be back in California; there’s a sense of rightness that fills my chest, but at the same time being here haunts me with memories. And it’s not just this house, it’s my family, and friends, the sun, the beach, and everything else that I see. Although I can be triggered while in Delaware, it’s different. There these are only replicas or simply memories.

“I need to change,” I say, breaking our contact and going to pull open one of my bags. “Do you mind if I take a shower?”

“No, no. Go ahead,” Kendall says. “If you want to lie down for a while and rest you can use our room. I’m sure the time difference and flying all day has you a little tired.”

“I’m okay. I just want to shower and change. I’m really warm. It was only forty when I left this morning.”

“Yeah. Go. Shower. The others will be here in like two hours, so you have time to get ready and stuff.” She looks at the wall behind her that reveals a new clock from the one that I had bought and Max had hung. “Shoot, they’ll be here in an hour. But if you need help, I can do your hair, or get clothes, or whatever.”

I raise my eyebrows and smile at her. “Are they expecting me to be dressed up?”

“No! No, no,” Kendall repeats, wiping her hands across her jean-covered thighs. “Sorry, no. Everything’s fine.”

I smile and take a couple of steps closer to Kendall and hug her. By the rigidness of her body, I can tell that I’ve surprised her and my heart hurts a little that she’s so nervous by me.

“It’s okay. Everything’s okay,” I whisper in her ear. The muscles in her back loosen as my arms constrict around her. “I love you too.”

“I love you too,” she whispers back.

Jameson and I are in the kitchen, chopping toppings for burgers when the doorbell rings. Kendall, who’s been setting up the side dishes and getting plates and utensils, moves a stack of napkins before mirroring our mom by wiping her hands together.

“Do you want to get it?” she asks, looking over to me.

“Sure.” I do want to get it, but I also feel a little reluctant because I don’t want this to be a big deal, and my sisters don’t know how to not let things be a big deal.

My tennis shoes make nearly silent echoes as I cross the house to the front door. I can hear Mindi on the other side. The moment I open it, a second of silence passes between us as our eyes focus on one another and then her arms are around me, gripping my shoulders in a nearly painful hug that forces me to lean into her to regain my balance.

“My God, you look older! How did that happen?” she asks, pulling away from me but still gripping my shoulders. “Kyle’s never going to let you leave. He’s going to be too freaked out to let you go now that you look like a woman.”

“I haven’t changed. Your eyesight’s just failing. Don’t worry, it’s a normal progression with age.”

Her eyes round and her lips purse, ready to retaliate when Jenny’s voice is heard echoing down the driveway. Adam’s little Smart car is still trolling into the driveway when she leaps from the passenger side door and sprints toward us with her arms opened wide.

Her hug is just as tight, but with it she sways from side to side, her familiar perfume coating her hair that’s fanned around my face.

“God I’ve missed you!”

“The neighbors are going to think something holy is going on if you guys keep mentioning God,” I tease as I hold her bright blue eyes with mine for a moment. I don’t know how I’ve never realized this exchange before. Why it’s taken me twenty-one years, and holding the stare of three of my four sisters, to realize that this silent exchange we share is so familiar. I know that we’ve been doing it our entire lives. I just have always done it without thinking. There’s so much that you can read from another person’s eyes, especially when they’re your sister. I can see the happiness that’s flooding hers with flecks of melancholy that I am certain is reflecting in my own.

Adam trails up the driveway at a far slower pace, allowing us time to get reacquainted.

“Hey, Professor Parker.”

“Miss Bosse,” he says with a lopsided grin. Jenny takes a step back, clearing the short distance between Adam and me that I close with a couple of steps, and wrap my arms around him.

“Welcome to the family.”

His grin stretches to a smile and his eyes travel to Jenny with adoration. “Thanks for introducing me to my fiancée.”

“Where are my nieces?” I ask, looking to my sisters.

“We didn’t want to have to worry about bedtimes, or them being bored or anything while we got the chance to visit. You’ll see them all on Sunday though, at the shower,” Mindi replies, stepping forward and wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

“What about Kyle?”

“He’ll definitely be here. He was just held up at a worksite and I didn’t want to wait any longer. I brought you something,” she says, slipping her hand from my shoulders and making her way back to the cars.

“Oh, my salad!” Jenny cries, following after her. I trod behind both of them to their cars.

“Ta da!” Mindi cries, pulling out a large, clear bottle with a bright red label and top that’s adorned with an even larger pink bow. “We’re doing twenty-one all weekend!”

“We’re doing the bridal shower. I’m here for Jenny’s wedding.”

“And to have a belated birthday celebration. It’s a must,” Jenny says, producing a large bowl that I can see through the thin plastic film is filled with broccoli. Jenny and Adam have been trying to eat a new, greener and more sustainable diet that my sisters have each shared with me is reason to avoid eating with them.

We make our way inside slowly as I guide them over the slick floors. My sisters and Adam exchange greetings with Jameson and Kendall when we reach the kitchen.

Conversation is light and filled with jokes and stories about wedding planning and dress shopping that fills my heart with a familiar ache. Jenny’s been allowing me to share in her venture by sending me copious amounts of photos and details about nearly everything, down to the ribbons that will be tied around the bouquets, but hearing them discuss things that they’ve been doing together makes the fact that I’ve missed out on one of the biggest experiences of my sister’s life to hang heavy on my shoulders and my heart.

The doorbell rings four times in quick succession before the front door swings open and Kyle announces his arrival. I push away from the island where I’ve been quietly listening and inspecting Jenny’s broccoli salad in time to see him collide with the floor.

“Shit, dude, I’m sorry. You okay?” Jameson asks over my shoulder.

“Christ! What did you guys do? You need to raise your homeowner’s insurance.”

“Yeah, we rent,” Jameson replies as he extends an arm to Kyle. “I’d lose the flip flops. It will only make it worse.”

“Jesus! What did you guys do?” Kyle cries as his foot slides with a wary step forward.

“The floors got cleaned in a very unorthodox fashion,” Kendall shares.

Kyle shakes his head and kicks off his shoes before his head snaps toward me, and I see the focus returning to him. He takes three long strides and crushes me against his chest, sharing no words. The others’ voices stop as well as we hold on to one another. My eyes swim with tears for the first time since I found out about Kitty.

His arms are tight around my back, and I hold him just as tightly and hear him take a few long breaths to calm his own emotions from spilling over.

“Kyle, you forgot the salad!” Caulder’s deep voice carries from the still-open front door, and I peek around Kyle’s shoulder to see him trying to balance a large bowl with two other containers.

Kyle’s arms tighten once more before he lowers his grip and turns to the door. “Dude, stay there a second. These floors are like ice. You’re going to fall on your ass and be covered in food.”

Caulder stops abruptly, making Savannah nearly run him over as she comes in with her sunglasses still on and arms filled.

My hands barely make it in time to catch a large tray before it fumbles from her grip.

“Sorry, babe!” Caulder says, watching her work to balance her remaining items.

“I didn’t even see you,” she replies.

I take a free hand and pull her sunglasses off to reveal her bright blue eyes taking everything in.

“I can’t hug you because I couldn’t stop baking! I need to hug you!” she says, looking down at the multiple dishes she’s still managing to hold.

Kyle grins and steps forward, managing to take everything from both our arms. Savannah is on me instantly, holding me close. I feel a tear on her cheek that’s pressed to my own and tighten my grip.

Kyle and Caulder’s footsteps descend toward the kitchen with a quiet warning about the floors. Savannah remains huddled around me for long moments, stroking my hair as her breathing slowly returns to normal.

“I’m sorry we’re late. Jenny said she was bringing a raw salad that would make us all think of potato salad, but then mentioned broccoli. And I know how much you like potato salad, so I started making it, and then I had to frost the cupcakes.” She pulls back and wipes her fingers below her eyes. “And Sawyer had to get a booster shot yesterday and was so clingy today that I was having to do it all one-handed, and I was trying to hurry, but the babysitter was running late.”

“You made cupcakes and potato salad?”

“And those brownies Aunt Kelly makes that you love. And a pineapple upside down cake because I remember you saying at Christmas that you’ve never had it, and I don’t even know how that’s possible, but after twenty-one years, you need to try some pineapple upside down cake.”

“Savannah, I love you too.” I wrap my arms around her again and hers return to my waist.

“I love you too, Ace.”

Food covers nearly every inch of the kitchen counters when Savannah and I slowly creep in, after sliding a few times on the floors.

As she greets our other sisters, my hip leans against the counter and I stare at my family, stopping on Caulder. “Caulder, I thought you were sick?” I ask, turning my gaze to Kendall as I ask my question. She keeps her back turned, but I notice her shoulders flex.

“I had a cold a few weeks ago, but nothing noteworthy …” His voice trails off at the end as he looks around to see if he was supposed to admit that.

“Is your house under construction?” I ask, turning to Mindi.

“Yes it is,” she replies instantly.

“Yes, that’s what you’re supposed to say? Or yes, it really is.”

“It really is. I swear. You can drive by. It’s tented.”

“Did you guys spray furniture polish on the floors?” Savannah asks, hugging Kendall and redirecting the conversation, letting me know this wasn’t a last minute, out of options scenario. It was planned.

“It does smell like lemon. I know. My face got an up close and personal inspection,” Kyle says, uncapping the bottle of vodka that Mindi brought.

“I know, right? That’s what I said,” I cry, allowing my sisters to move forward and not home in on the fact that I’ve been misled. I’m really not surprised. I should have known. I think a part of me did and was just excited to be back here and with Kendall and the others, like things could somehow be normal.

Kendall turns and her eyes focus on me as her lips press into a thin line before lifting at the corners. It’s a hopeful smile, and I’m pretty sure an apology for deceiving me. “No, it’s a long story,” she answers.

“Where’s Landon? We’re going to need some extra man power to make a dent in all of this.”

“He’ll be back. He just had to run by his work really fast for something,” Kendall responds like the fact that Mindi just so casually asked about Landon and avoided mentioning Max as though he doesn’t even exist is completely customary, even though we’re gathered in his kitchen.

The thought distracts me from their current conversation, and my eyes rake over nearly every surface in the kitchen. I’ve cooked at this stove. I’ve emptied this dishwasher. I’ve cleared this table, and have even done fairly obscene things on the countertops that are now laden with food, yet traces of me have nearly vanished. I’ve noticed the small changes in practically every room that I’ve been in. Things that I had brought over of my own, or purchased either alone or with Max, are now gone, leaving bold shadows for my eyes to focus on.

I feel the strange desire to wrap my hand around the knobs on the cabinets, run my fingers across the counters, knowing that Max has been here and touched these objects. He’s been living in this house, erasing me from it.

A chorus of laughter brings me back to the room filled with my family, and I paint a smile on my face and pretend that I just heard whatever was said.

Caulder, Kyle, and Adam bow out of drinking after each finishes a couple of beers, and transition to water and lemonade that Mindi brought to spike with vodka. I can’t seem to stop the thoughts from churning through my mind, wondering what life would be like if my dad wasn’t gone. If I hadn’t freaked out and ran away from Max one too many times. If I was still a part of their daily and weekly lives as we sit around and share stories.

“I can’t believe you joined a gym!” Kendall cries after I suggest to Savannah that she try a spin class.

“Neither can I,” I reply, taking a long pull of my vodka. “It’s worse than I’d always feared, but I’ll admit, the classes and equipment are pretty cool.”

“You should try a hot yoga class,” Jenny adds. “I think you would really enjoy it. There’s a lot of strength building and stretching, and it’s really relaxing.”

“I went to your hot yoga class. That was the least relaxing experience of my life other than labor,” Mindi says with disdain. “I was sweating like a pig and could hardly breathe. I thought I was going to die.”

“But didn’t you feel better after?”

“No!” Mindi cries. “I have to leave the door open to the bathroom now when I shower because if I start to see any steam, my muscles quiver in fear.”

I’m already laughing, but when I hear Kendall’s giggle from beside me, and feel her lean against my side, my cheeks begin to burn because I’m laughing so hard.

When we can start breathing normal again, I look up to find Kyle staring at me with a pained expression. I know him too well. I know that he’s thinking the same things I was before dinner and mere moments ago, wondering what would have been.

“Tomorrow, we’re finally celebrating your birthday!” Kendall declares, breaking me from my distant thoughts.

“Sassy Sister Saturday!” Savannah cheers, obviously feeling the fourth vodka lemonade she’s nearly finished. With the sentiment a smile breaks out on my face as I shake my head.

“We’re not celebrating my birthday. We’re celebrating Jenny getting married,” I remind her.

“We’re also celebrating your birthday. You can legally go out with us now!” Jenny says with a smile.

“Legally? How long have you been going out?” Adam asks.

“Not long. Shortly after—”

“No, no. Don’t answer that. Neither of us wants to hear that answer,” Caulder says, shaking his head several times from his seat beside Kyle, who nods in agreement.

“Not long,” I repeat with a grin.

“Tomorrow is a girls’ night!” Mindi calls out with a cheer.

We make a final toast and then my sisters, brothers, and brother-to-be pack up, leaving us a fridge packed with salads, desserts, and a ridiculous amount of broccoli that everyone skirted around.

I feel exhausted as I nestle into the couch that is admittedly more comfortable than what I’m used to, but my mind is racing with thoughts that are too loud to allow me to sleep. The faint sound of my phone vibrating is a welcomed distraction and I dig it out of my purse to see that I have six new text messages.

Danny: I’m glad u arrived safely. XO

Danny: The low tonight where u r, is higher than our warm 2morrow. :p

Danny: I hope everything’s going well.

Danny: I already miss U. I sound like a fucking sap. What r u doing 2 me?

It’s after two here, which means he’s likely on his way to the gym for training. Somehow in the past couple of months—although I insist that we’re only friends—I’ve become acutely aware of several details and facets of his life. Lying here in my ex-boyfriend’s house, on a couch that I’ve had countless make out sessions on, I feel a flood of guilt. It’s like I’m living in two worlds: one filled with a deep-seated history, containing memories and love, but also pain and regret, and the other where I’m still struggling to find out where I fit, and how, but feeling stronger than maybe ever.

Me: It’s going really good. All of my sisters just left. It’s weird that I’m getting ready to go to bed and you’re waking up.

While I wait for him to reply, I open my other messages and see two from Fitz:

Fitz: I hope you’re having fun and relaxing.

Fitz: You must be having a lot of fun. This radio silence is deafening.

Me: Sorry, Fitzy. Left my phone in my purse and didn’t hear it. I miss you. Everything’s going really good though. I’m glad I came early.

As I finish my text to Fitz, a new message from Danny arrives.

Danny: It is. If u can’t sleep call me. I’ll skip Vinny.

Me: No way, I like that Vinny likes me—he’s scary.

Danny: He would blame me, not U.

Me: Yeah right. Say hi to Vinny, and get to work, you bum. :P I’m going to sleep off my vodka buzz.

Danny: lol sleep good, babe. Call me when U get up.

This isn’t the first time that Danny’s called me babe, but it sounds a lot louder here in California. I don’t reply. Instead, I power it off and pull the blanket, a light beige throw that I’ve never seen before, tighter around myself and search for sleep.