Текст книги "Finding Me "

Автор книги: Mariah Dietz

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Текущая страница: 9 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

“We do not remember days, we remember moments.”

–Cesare Pavese

As I wait for Kendall to finish making her normally straight hair curl into large waves, I search through the liquor cabinet in need of something to take the edge off the impact of emotions that I’m feeling. I have a zillion tiny nerves running through me with the anticipation of seeing my mom and a haunting sadness that makes me want to curl up in a corner and cry. I’m working mercilessly to push them all away and feel ever thankful when my phone chimes, indicating a new text.

I make my way over to the couch where my phone is and take a double glance at my suitcase. It’s been moved slightly, creating more space so the chair sitting adjacent to the couch is now accessible.

My phone chimes again, reminding me why I came over here.

Danny: It already feels like u’ve been gone a LONG time.

Danny: I hope UR 1/2ing fun.

Me: Sometimes your texts are really cryptic. I had to read that four times to realize it says having.

Danny: Some girl said it’s bc I get hit in the head so much.

Me: She sounds smart.

Danny: She’s brilliant. U’D like her.

Me: I have to get going. Jenny’s shower starts soon and we’re supposed to be helping set up.

Danny: OK. I miss U.

Danny: I miss u a lot.

His words sting. A part of me misses Danny too. I miss the ease I often feel when I’m around him and his quick smile. I miss the excitement and energy that he brings and how he manages to make me laugh, even when my own memories are kicking my ass. Yet, I know in my heart that although I genuinely do miss Danny, the feelings that I experience in Delaware when I miss my family, when I miss him, are far more expansive.

Me: I miss you too. Let me know how your fight goes tonight. I know you’ll win—since you don’t know how to lose, but feel free to brag about it afterward.

Danny: I will. Have fun w/ ur sisters @ the party.

Me: Be safe.

Danny: Promise. U 2.

Savannah and Mindi are curling ribbons and tying them to gift bags when Kendall and I arrive.

“Oh good, we need help! I thought this was going to take like ten minutes but there’s so much to do! I need to make punch, and pull out the food, fill the gift bags …” Mindi shoves aside a mess of papers and pens, her brow furrowing. “I have a banner somewhere too.”

Kendall walks a few feet into the kitchen and starts uncovering party platters while I rummage through sacks to see what needs to be included in the favor bags without further instruction.

I look around the living room covered in soft pastels. Lavender, ivory, and butter yellow are Jenny’s wedding colors, and it seems that everything is dressed in one of the themed colors. Vases of purple lilac flowers cover several surfaces, providing a sweet scent that tickles my nose.

“Nice tent job on the house, Min. Where are all the mice?”

Mindi turns to look at me and I see her mind racing to form a response. “We really didn’t plan this very well, did we?”

I crack a smile and shake my head. “You guys are lucky I love you so much.”

She starts a train of laughter that has all of my sisters losing focus for a few minutes before we commence with completing tasks.

This is the longest I’ve ever gone without coming over to Mindi and Kyle’s. When they moved out, they both wanted to live in the same neighborhood as my parents but weren’t able to afford the area, so they moved into an older development with smaller houses that are all just as well kept and still a close distance from where they wanted to be.

“I thought all of the girls were going to be here, where are they?”

“Mom’s bringing them with her,” Mindi replies automatically as she begins hanging the banner she found in a bag of decorations.

I try not to let the thoughts of seeing my mom affect me. I’ve been preparing myself for this, hearing Kitty’s voice in my head, telling me about our life paths and how I need to allow my mom to make her own decisions, just as she’s allowing me to make mine. Her more frequently spoken assurance is difficult to remember, especially this morning: that we still love each other, even though things are strained right now with being in unfamiliar territory.

I haven’t appreciated hearing that guarantee from Kitty. In fact, I have adamantly challenged it each time she has repeated the words to me, causing her to reiterate them again and again with added reverence.

My sisters and I work together effortlessly, knowing each of our work styles and strengths so well we barely have to vocalize anything as we finish getting things set up. Kendall’s laughing about some penis shaped straws that she found for the bachelorette party with Mindi when Savannah places her hand on my forearm with enough pressure that I know she’s preparing to ask me something. I look at her and brace myself because I already know what’s coming—I’ve been expecting it.

“You know she never meant anything she said at Christmas. She loves you, Ace, and it’s been killing her that you guys aren’t talking.”

Internally I hear a snarky voice ask if that was the case, then why hasn’t she tried reaching out to me since we all left her house. However I never expected, or even wanted my sisters to alienate her like I have. I know that although she’s not doing things in a way that I think is anywhere near right, Kitty is correct, we each have to make our own roadmaps. Knowing this is slightly different than accepting it though, and seeing the sympathy for our mom on Savannah’s face fills me with tension.

“I’ll be okay. I promise, there won’t be any scenes.”

“No, Ace, that’s not what I mean,” Savannah replies instantly, her hand constricting on my arm. “I know that you’d never create a scene. I wasn’t worried about that. I’m worried about you. I don’t want you to feel ambushed or unprepared.”

Both Kendall and Mindi stop from where they’re setting edible flowers to float in the punch, something that I tried to talk them out of. I feel my lips stretch into a smile on their own accord, which relieves me because I feel slightly lightheaded with the thought of seeing my mom. I barely slept last night as I tried to imagine how this was going to go. I have no idea what to do or say. I’m not ready to forgive her for Steven, Christmas, nor the last three months that I’ve apparently not existed to her.

“I’m okay. Really, it will be fine,” I assure her.

“Ace…” I’m the last of my sisters to turn to Kendall with her protesting tone. I can’t tell by the steely look in her eyes if she’s about to stand up to me or for me. The doorbell rings as her lips part, leaving me relieved to not find out.

Julie’s squeals fill the entire house as Mindi opens the door. “Oh my gosh! I’m so excited to see all of the Bosse women! I haven’t seen you guys together in so long!”

Julie was one of Jenny’s best friends growing up, which led her to becoming friends with all of us to one degree or another, but I haven’t seen her in years.

“I mean, other than the funeral, but that really doesn’t … I mean, that wasn’t…”

No, it doesn’t count. I didn’t see anyone that day.

No one seems to be able to fill the awkward blank space that Julie has created, but thankfully someone knocks on the door before it stretches too far, and Savannah clears her throat and hands me the pair of scissors left from curling the ribbon and heads to open it.

My mom is one of the last guests to arrive. My nieces surround her in a large cloud of blond chaos as the three oldest run circles around her, and the youngest two waddle into the house. They’re walking. I’ve missed so much.

“Auntie Ace!” Lilly shrieks, sprinting toward me wearing a tutu and princess top that is covered with sparkles. She crashes against me as a shrill scream leaves Juliet. I look up to see if she’s fallen, and realize it’s me that she’s screaming at. Screaming about my suckiness of being an absent aunt for the past several months.

Her accusations grow as I set Lilly down and place a hand on her small back. Sawyer begins crying in sync with her, and I turn to look at her face, crumpled in a frown.

“Sawyer, it’s okay!” I coo. Their screams of protest grow.

“It’s okay, they do this,” Mindi says as she and Savannah each sweep up a crying toddler.

Jade clasps onto Mindi’s leg, turning so she can look at me, but making it apparent with her body language that she doesn’t want me to touch her. “Mommy, who’s that again?”

“That’s your Auntie Ace. You remember Ace.”

Guilt seeps through me heavier than lead as Mindi answers questions about who I am and where I’ve been. I can feel the thoughts of those surrounding us, and every one of them intensifies my already bad mood.

“Auntie Ace, you want to play farm?” Emily asks, undeterred by the reactions I’m receiving from the youngest three.

“We’re celebrating Auntie Jenny getting married, sweetheart. We’ll play farm later.” Mindi gently guides her forward, and the girls quickly migrate to the playroom where I barely see them again.

Thankfully Jenny’s on cloud nine from the moment she arrives until the last guest leaves. Our mom was one of the first guests to excuse herself, something that only partially shocked me. She had left while I went to help Mindi check on the girls, explaining to the others that she had to go because she had an auction she was coordinating occurring tonight.

I wish it didn’t bother me so much that she hardly acknowledged me all afternoon. Or that she pretended to be the proud and doting mom when a guest that I didn’t know asked how she felt to be mother of the bride.

It’s dusk when we get back to Kendall’s. Jameson’s voice carries through the kitchen, sounding more serious than his usually happy tone. As the front door closes, a thrill of excitement and nerves sear through me as I hear a familiar voice that I wasn’t expecting. I didn’t think I’d see him while I was here, and my feet move in the direction of the kitchen before I allow myself to over think it.

My foot slips on the floor as I enter the kitchen and my arms reach out to steady myself, causing every eye to turn to me.

“Ace!” He stands up and a familiar smile covers his face as I edge closer to him, feeling my cheeks stretch with a reciprocating grin. There’s a small note of hesitancy as he reaches forward, but it smoothes before his next step, and then his arms are wrapped around me.

“Where’s Abby? I thought you guys weren’t coming back until next week?”

Jesse takes his seat, and Wes stands up and pulls me into a hug as Jesse explains that Abby went back to New Jersey by herself because he wasn’t able to get the time off work with the baby coming in a few months.

I know instantly that she didn’t tell me this because she knew I would be concerned about her travelling alone while being five months pregnant. Although I occasionally will hear a pregnant tirade, or receive a call with her in tears like the time that Jesse was at work and she was hungry, but each time she opened the fridge, something in it smelled so strong and so offensive, it made her want to throw up. Though calls like that have been far and few between, and are always followed up with additional calls and texts, assuring me that everything is fine, and not worry about her.

“How’s she doing?” I lean against Landon’s side. He slings an arm around my shoulders and offers me his beer that I refuse before leaning my head against him. Landon and I have always shared a special bond, an understanding of one another. It’s been immensely comforting to feel that little to nothing has changed in the time that I’ve been absent between us.

“She’s good, but she’s upset about missing you.”

I nod knowingly.

“How was the shower?” Jameson asks, placing a hand on Kendall’s waist and pulling her closer to where he’s seated at the kitchen table, holding a matching bottle of beer to the other three guys.

“Purple,” Kendall replies. “Really, really purple.”

Her response strikes me as funny. I know that they’re insinuating how things went with our mom, and having all of us girls together again, but they all seem to accept this response as Kendall’s eyes meet mine and a small laugh passes between us.

Before I grab my things to change for bed, I reach for my phone and find several texts from Daniel and Danny. I skip to Danny’s last one and find a message saying he won that leaves me feeling relieved.

“To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.”

–Anatole France

Monday morning, I awake to the sounds of the others opening and closing doors with pained attention to being quiet in an attempt to not bother me. I try to sit back and out of the way, while assuring them that I’m fine and won’t need anything while they’re gone as they all make an effort to touch base with me once they realize I’m awake.

When Jameson closes the door behind him, leaving me alone in this house that I once was so comfortable in, I feel a myriad of emotions. Spending time alone here used to feel natural; now it feels foreign as I start focusing on all of the differences. Some of the changes are obvious at first glance, like the new pool table that now sits beside the foosball table in what is supposed to be the formal living room but has always served as a game room. And the coffee table no longer holds the blown glass bowl I’d bought as a housewarming gift. The bowl had been beautiful and a part of me wants to ask Kendall about it in hopes that it was just moved.

I slowly make my way through the house, searching for less noticeable changes—something I haven’t been able to do with Kendall around. All weekend I’d felt it, the sympathy and shyness toward anything that had to do with Max. I don’t know what they all know, or think that they do. I’m not about to begin discussing my feelings, and they seem even more reluctant.

I finish in the kitchen, noting that the glass pitcher that we’d haul out and use when we all sat down and had breakfast together was just one of the many things that I’d brought over that is no longer here.

The stairs taunt me as I pass by them to return to the living room. I’ve been dying to go upstairs and see what Max’s room looks like, and I swear it’s calling to me, daring me to go and see if it’s purged of every last piece of me as well. I pace in front of the flight of steps several times, fighting one of the strongest urges I’ve ever experienced, knowing without a doubt that if I go, it will be a strong intrusion and breach of privacy. But something inside of me pleads to go and look at what his room looks like—know if it smells the same, has the same warm glow with the late morning sunlight, see if I can find even the slightest trace of me.

As my fingers curl around the banister with the promise that I’ll just peek inside and not actually go in, my phone rings, making me nearly jump out of my skin.

My phone lights up with Danny’s face. A swift blow of reality settles in my stomach as I hesitantly reach for it, wondering if he somehow knows what I was about to do.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” His voice is deep and saturated with a resounding relief that makes me feel even guiltier. I’m not sure if the guilt’s intensifying because I’m standing in my ex’s house talking to a guy that I know has feelings for me, or because I’m talking to a guy that I know has feelings for me and am disappointed that it broke my conviction to do something that I know I shouldn’t have considered.

“How was the shower and time with everyone?”

I fall against the couch, leaning into its soft support, trying to summarize the shower so I don’t hint at being upset by my nieces’ reaction to me, or my mom’s complete lack of one. “It was good. Jenny really seemed to enjoy herself, and everyone had a good time.”

“Good, I’m glad. How’d everything go with your mom?”

“Um, it went fine.”

“Did you guys talk?”

“No, not exactly.”

“H, that’s not fine.”

“It wasn’t really the right time or place. We were there to celebrate Jenny, and there was a ton of people. It would have been really awkward to have tried to discuss things,” I reason.

“You know my mom loves you like a fourth daughter. If you need someone else to talk to or just some support, she’d love for you to reach out to her.”

I nod a few times, feeling a new wave of guilt when I consider it, and a number of emotions pass through me at the thought of replacing Sharon, and more prominently, my own mom. “I know, I love your mom too, but right now I just need some time with things. Let them work themselves out. You know?”

“Generally if something is strained or injured, it requires special attention. Like a physical muscle or bone, sometimes they need a cast and time to heal, but afterwards they need physical therapy and strength building.”

“Are you seriously speaking metaphorically to me using your muscles?”

Danny’s laughter greets me, making my lips turn up in response. “God, when are you coming home?”

I feel my smile fade at his words. Home has felt like the most confounding word in the English dictionary since I arrived Friday. Being back in San Diego, I’m enjoying my time with my sisters and friends. I love seeing the Pacific Ocean and her familiar white peaks dotted with surfers. I love the taco trucks—that hands down make better food than any of the Mexican restaurants I’ve tried in Delaware—and the heat from the sidewalk long after the sun has fallen into the ocean. But more than anything, I’ve missed the heavy pull that I feel when I’m here that I don’t know if I somehow forgot, or just never took note of since I haven’t ever been away for so long.

Yet, it has been in Delaware that I’ve been able to begin shedding old fears and habits that have prevented me from being able to fully discover who I am and what I want to do in life. I’ve built new friendships and have been less concerned with walking on eggshells to always ensure that everyone likes me and doing what is expected of me because there, no one expects anything from me. I’m not Ace Bosse, youngest sister in a line of beautiful sisters and daughter to an overachieving philanthropist. I’m not the high school soccer star that had so much potential no one understands why I didn’t continue or the girl who couldn’t decide on a major. I’m also not the girl that everyone knows was really close to her father, who unexpectedly died on May 5, and with it sent me on a downward tailspin. I’m just me. No expectations, no shoes to fill, just Harper.

“H?”

“Sorry.” My thoughts stammer as I work to recall his question. “Thirteen more days.”

“It already feels like you’ve been gone for months.”

“Vinny needs to kick up your workouts, then.”

Danny’s laughter fills the line again, and I can picture his blue eyes dancing with mischief by the tone. “I don’t think Vinny’s going to be able to tire me out enough at this point. I’m pretty sure there’s only one way that I’m going to get a satisfied exhaustion these days.” As soon as his last word fills my head with his insinuation, I hear Vinny’s distinct, gravelly voice yelling for Danny to get off the phone.

“But he sure as hell is going to try,” Danny mutters.

“Tell them all hello for me.”

“They’re all wondering where you are too. Yesterday Frank even showed up with a coffee for you.”

“It will go by really fast. Less than two weeks.”

“No, remember, I’ll be travelling the last week, otherwise I’d be at your sister’s wedding with you. I won’t be back until the Thursday after you return.”

“Don’t worry, Danny, it’s still going to go by fast. You need to stay focused so that everything goes well against The Canary. What were you telling me? Extra training and attention to strained and broken areas?”

“Yeah, yeah.” His tone is light, making my smile return. “What are you going to do today?”

“I don’t know,” I reply, guiltily eyeing the stairs. “The others aren’t off until next week, but I might see if my oldest sister is home.”

“Mindi?”

“Yeah.”

“That’ll be nice. Soak up some Vitamin D and spend some time with three of your nieces.”

This isn’t the first time the fact that I’ve shared more than I’m aware of with Danny startles me. He listens to everything I say, storing nearly all of my words into his memory. If I asked right now, he’d likely be able to recite my class schedule and what I drank the first night we met at the bar. It had made my skin bristle the first time he had mentioned a detail that seemed too insignificant to be remembered, until I realized that’s just how Danny is. Since, I’ve been working to ignore how much I like it or the possible reasons behind it.

His voice is distorted and broken as he covers the receiver to talk to someone else, likely Vinny.

A quiet rush of his breath tells me that his hand has moved and he’s about to deliver a goodbye to me. “I’m sorry, H, we’re late this morning. I just wanted to make sure that I got a chance to talk to you. I’ve been going a little crazy wondering how things are.”

“Thanks, Danny, I appreciate it. Tell the guys hi for me.”

“Will do. Bye, babe.”

“Bye, Danny.”

I hang up, releasing my own rush of breath as my head buries further into the couch. Instead of calling Mindi, I turn on the TV to occupy the multitude of emotions swirling through me, demanding to be recognized and observed.

My phone primarily lives on silent mode since I spend so much time in class and at the lab. Generally, the only sound it ever emits is the quiet pulsation when I turn it to vibrate at night. I reason that’s why the sound of it ringing an obnoxious, manufacturer set tone makes me jump mid-thought.

I glance at the screen and see Mindi’s scowling face on my screen. I had taken the picture a few years ago, yet it still gives me the satisfaction of a smile when I see it, likely because she would probably shave my head in my sleep if she knew that I had taken the picture, let alone kept it and set it as her ring tone.

“Hey, Min.”

“Hey, what are you doing?”

I open my mouth to reply and pause, hearing “Emily stop! Jade, help your sister. I know she made the mess, but I’m asking you to help her clean it … because you’re sisters … the same reason she helps you clean up messes … and because you love each other. Jade … Jade … Because I said so!” Mindi continues, leading my eyes to dart back to the TV.

“Sorry.”

“That’s okay,” I say with a smile. She insists on talking on the phone, something that I’m still trying to discover the reason for, because she only ever spends about thirty percent of our calls talking to me.

“So, what did you say you’re doing today?” Mindi asks again.

“Right now I’m realizing not signing up—”

“Emily, she’s helping you! Don’t throw things at her!”

“…for cable since I moved was a really wise investment,” I finish even though she’s still yelling at my nieces.

“Sorry, tell me again?”

“I’m doing nothing.”

“Oh good. Want to come over?”

“Yeah, I’d love to!”

“Great. I’ll be there in like an hour to get you.”

“Sounds good, I’ll see you guys then.”

I finish the show that I’m currently watching, only ever half present to the drama-filled sitcom as I think about if I should reach out to anyone else while I’m here.

I know I have more time to sit around and veg if I want; Mindi’s hour is guaranteed to be at least two. Long before kids she was perpetually late, but I get up, shower, and dress so that I’m ready.

Surprised at the fact that Mindi is thirty minutes earlier than I expect her, I grab my purse from the floor and toss my phone inside as I cross the slick floor. I pull the front door open with a smile that catches when I see the girl in front of me isn’t my oldest sister. Please, please, please say you’re looking for Landon. Please!

I notice her eyes are nearly gray before they narrow. She’s assessing me, and she isn’t being discreet about it. I try to act unaffected by it, squaring my shoulders and lifting my chin a bit higher. She’s shorter than I am and has glossy, dark brown hair that I, along with probably every other girl is jealous over its sheen and thickness. Apparently she sees the unease, or envy in my eyes, because hers grow as her head tilts to the side. She’s beautiful. Her makeup is perfect. Her hair is perfect. Her olive-toned skin that is dusted with the hint of freckles is perfect. Even her body is perfectly thin while still having a really large chest that I can’t look to see if they look real because her eyes are locked on mine knowingly.

“Mind if I come in?” Her tone says move and I know without a doubt she isn’t here for Landon. The few girls that I ever met that he’s dated were overly polite and nice. Too nice. To the point I had felt annoyed about insignificant details because they had been too cheery about them.

I move to the side of the door, keeping my eyes on hers as she follows me inside, leaving the door open beside us. “Everyone’s at work,” I tell her.

“Max is tutoring someone this early?”

It’s the first time that I’ve heard his name, and it stings that it’s from her mouth, confirming what I already knew. She fits his type too well.

I shrug, trying my best to look nonchalant. “I’m not sure where he is.” What in the hell is he doing tutoring? He’s a first year med student. How does he have the time? And who’s he going to tutor? And since when does Max need the pocket change that time-extensive tutoring provides?

“When did he leave?” she presses.

“Last week sometime?”

Her eyes flare, providing me with a small amount of comfort before they turn to the living room where my things are stacked in the corner and my blanket and pillow are folded at the far end of the couch. Her eyes meet mine again and I keep the same undeterred expression on my face. “You’re living here?”

“Visiting.”

“Who?”

“My family.” I should put her out of her misery and tell her, but if she can’t see that I’m Kendall’s sister, she’s doesn’t deserve the concession.

Her eyes narrow again, drawing my attention to how long her false lashes are. “How long are you here visiting?”

“A while.”

The sound of a car engine has us both turning to the driveway where Mindi’s minivan has pulled up along the brunette’s bright red car. The sun reflects too brightly off the windshield for me to clearly see Mindi’s face, but her door opens nearly instantly. Her expression is mostly obscured by her sunglasses but her full smile is present, and I can tell instantly that it’s too tight to be genuine.

“Hey!” she calls, hurrying toward us.

“The East Coast sister,” the brunette says with a nod. “Got it. Well, I’ll see you around, then.” She doesn’t look at me again before crossing by Mindi without returning her smile and climbing into her car.

“Who was that?” Mindi asks, keeping her attention on me rather than the car reversing too fast into the street.

“I thought you knew. She seemed to know who you were. You looked a little concerned when you pulled up.”

“That’s because you looked upset.”

“How could you see my face from the driveway?”

“I couldn’t really, but your posture matched hers. You guys looked like you were going to attack each other.”

“We did not,” I reply, rolling my eyes as my shoulders fall slightly with the tension of the brunette being gone.

“So who was she?”

“I don’t know. She didn’t tell me her name. She was looking for Max.” I’m sure Mindi’s eyes and mouth are wide with surprise, but I slide past her and the front door, dropping the extra key Kendall gave me in her hand so I don’t have to see it.

Mindi is thankfully either too stunned, or like me, is still trying to process who this girl is and doesn’t mention her, or anything about the situation as we inch through the busy Monday morning traffic on the interstate to her house.

The afternoon with Mindi and the girls goes smoothly for the most part. There’s still accusation in Juliet’s light blue eyes, blaming me for being absent for the majority of her life. It fills me with bursts of guilt and anguish that don’t mix well with the panic and fear that’s been settling in me since the unannounced brunette visitor this morning.