Текст книги "Luke"

Автор книги: M. Malone

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chapter fourteen

†

SEVEN

I trot out of the funeral home and look frantically left and right. When Sasha told me she saw Luke walk past, I assumed he was going to the bathroom or just out front to get some air. Not that he wouldn’t be coming back.

But it’s been an hour and there’s no sign of him.

“We drove around the block and didn’t see him. Did you try to track his cell phone?”

I nod. That was the first thing I tried. I’m too embarrassed to admit that he’s deliberately turned his GPS off. He doesn’t want to be found. But that doesn’t mean that I can just give up. Tank said that he was upset after hearing his father’s last letter.

Even if he doesn’t think he wants company right now, he needs it. No one should be alone while they’re hurting. I know all too well how that feels.

Another ten minutes goes by and then I see something at the end of the street. “Is that him?”

Tank has been leaning against his car talking on his phone but stands at my shout. He shades his eyes with his hand. He nods at me and then tells whoever is on the other end of the phone, “We found him. I’ll call you back.”

Luke is walking on the sidewalk, his head down so he hasn’t noticed us yet. By the time he gets closer I can see that he looks all disheveled. The legs of his pants are dusty like he’s been walking for a long time.

“You’re all dirty.”

He looks down at his shoes. “Yes. I am.”

When he doesn’t say anything else, I look over at Tank. He takes the hint.

“Where’ve you been, bro?”

Luke shrugs. “Walking.”

“We were, uh, getting a little worried about you.”

“I had to get out of there.”

Tank glances over at me. “I’m going to drive you guys home but if you need anything later, don’t hesitate to call.”

I know that last bit is meant for me. He made sure that I had all of their phone numbers earlier, something I’m grateful for now. The way Luke is responding is really scary. He’s answering our questions but the dispassionate way he’s speaking sounds like a robot. Like he doesn’t really care about anything.

“Come on baby.” I’m so grateful that Tank drove since the limo that brought us here is long gone. I climb in the back with Luke, happy when he puts his arm around me instead of pulling away.

Tank waves after he drops us off and Luke follows me into the apartment. He stands there, like he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do now. I take his hand and lead him back to the bedroom. He allows me to push his suit jacket off his shoulders. I fold it carefully and rest it on the back of his desk chair. Then I unbuckle his belt and pull his shirt out.

I glance up at him. There’s something so sad about the way he’s allowing me to tend to him. He seems to want someone else to take the lead. I finish stripping him out of his clothes until he’s nude then I pull my dress over my head.

His eyes heat and he watches as my bra hits the floor next. Then he grabs me and his lips are moving roughly over mine, almost bruising in their intensity.

“Need you, Sev. Need you so much.” He buries his face against my shoulder, holding me so tight I can barely breathe.

Maybe this is what he needs, a reaffirmation of life after all the harsh emotions of the last few days. I kiss him fiercely, hoping he can feel how much I love him. How much I miss him.

It’s been so hard to feel him pulling away from me. That first day he couldn’t even look at me and I know it’s because it made him think about what he had to do. It scares me that I might lose him now after everything we’ve gone through. I feel so selfish thinking about myself when he’s just lost his father but I’d be lying if I pretended I wasn’t worried.

I’m terrified that he’ll always look at me and see death and pain and loss.

He walks us backward until we end up on the bed, falling in a tangle of arms and legs. He takes my nipple between his lips and then his hand is pulling my thong off. Leveraging above me he thrusts so deep, until I’m stretched almost to the point of pain.

“Yes. That’s what I need.” His head falls back on his shoulders and I look up at him, glorying in the sight of him in the throes of pleasure. When his eyes fall to mine, he looks tormented.

“Tell me you’re mine.”

“I’m yours. I’m only yours, Luke.”

My whispered promise doesn’t seem to satisfy him. He slides deep and grinds against me until I cry out.

“Tell me you’ll never leave me.”

It’s a struggle to open my eyes when he’s circling his hips that way. I shudder underneath him but manage to moan, “I’ll never leave you, baby.”

His agonized groan sends a skitter of sensation down my spine and I arch against him, the taut tips of my breasts brushing his chest.

“Do that again. Clench around me.”

I deliberately tighten my internal muscles.

“Fuck.” 

That sets him off and I lift my hips, trying to match his rhythm. His arm slides underneath and holds my hips in place as he hammers against me. He’s usually so gentle but this fierce, untamed version of Luke is turning me on in a whole new way. It’s all I can do to hang on for the ride, as he takes me hard, pounding me to a fast, sweaty orgasm.

It doesn’t roll through me like a wave, rather it slams into me and leaves me panting after it’s over. He cries out and by the quick jerk of his hips and how his shoulders bunch and flex beneath my fingers, I know he’s come, too. I hold him against me, not ready to let him go just yet. But when I try to pull back, he tightens his arms around me. He shudders again and turns his head away and my heart breaks all over again.

All I can do is hold the man I love close and pretend not to feel the moisture leaking onto my shoulder.

†

Over the next few weeks, things seem better. I send my landlord two months’ rent in exchange for breaking my lease and arrange for movers to pack up my apartment. It’s odd to be making these sorts of changes but I’m determined to go forward with purpose. No more sticking my head in the sand or avoiding hard decisions.

Luke wants me to stay and there’s nowhere I want to be more than here. He needs me. And I need him, too.

He’s been spending a lot of time on his coding initiative. I think it’s just an excuse to take his mind off things but I wholeheartedly approve of anything that focuses his mind on something productive.

We spend hours each day debating ideas and brainstorming. At times he seems almost like the old Luke. Brilliant and creative and driven.

At other times he seems like a mere shadow.

He’s gone to help Tank set up his new stereo system, something I suspect is just his brother’s way of checking up on him. If I didn’t already like his brothers, I would absolutely adore them by now. Every day someone has found a reason to stop by and see him.

Luke doesn’t know how to ask for what he needs, so the fact that they’re coming to him shows how well they know him. And how much they care for him. Even though Luke often feels like the odd one out since he didn’t grow up with any of them, it’s equally as obvious that they’re determined to include him in their lives going forward.

Something I’m grateful for.

Things have been so hectic around here that I’ve missed my last two calls with Grace. I’ve been emailing her to let her know what’s going on but it’s not the same as hearing her voice. I settle on the couch and call her. As usual she answers right away. When she hears my voice, the music in the background immediately lowers.

“Hey. How are things going? Is Luke doing any better?”

I didn’t tell Grace the whole story but she’s aware that Luke’s been having a hard time dealing with his father’s death. She still doesn’t know about my role in things.

“Better. Much better. I’m so sorry I couldn’t call before.”

“It’s fine. I totally understand.”

“I just didn’t want you to think I forgot about you. Things have just been so messed up here.”

“Whoa, Sev. What’s going on? I’ve never heard you so upset before.”

I sniffle, trying to rein in my emotions. It’s been an emotional few weeks. And now I have to admit to her that after all the promises I’ve made, I’m probably not going to get custody of her after all. Agent Walker hasn’t contacted me again but since the raid went so wrong, I seriously doubt if he’s going to be anxious to help me. Truthfully, I’m just trying to stay off his radar completely.

“I did something. Something I’m not proud of.”

Grace doesn’t interrupt for once but I can hear her breathing on the other end so I know she’s listening.

“At the time I told myself I had a good reason. It was so I could push my petition for custody through. I was worried that I wouldn’t be approved otherwise. Now it’s all ruined anyway so you’ll have to stay with the Barnetts a little longer until I can figure something else out. I’m so sorry, Grace.”

I take a deep breath. It was hard to admit my mistakes but I feel better now that she knows. It’s disappointing but I just want her to know that I haven’t given up on her. That I’ll never leave her to fend for herself, the way I had to.

She sighs.

“Seven … I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you this for months now. The Barnetts have actually said that they … they want to adopt me.”

“They do?”

Even though it’s a great thing and I should be happy for her I can’t deny that I feel a little lost hearing this. Through everything I’ve always thought of Grace and I being together again one day. A real family. Now she’s going to be family with someone else.

“I was afraid to tell you.”

Now I’m ashamed. She’s had the opportunity to have some stability in her life and she’s been holding off out of fear of hurting me. Again, somehow I’ve managed to make it all about me when it’s supposed to be the other way around.

“Oh Grace. You shouldn’t have to be afraid of anything. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy.”

“It’s just that you’ve always worked so hard trying to figure out a way for us to be together. And I’m just here living a normal teenage life. Without you. When they told me they wanted to adopt me, I felt so guilty for being happy when you’re still alone.”

Her voice is so small that she sounds like a little girl again. Maybe that’s my problem. In my head she’s forever that abandoned baby and I haven’t been ready to see that she’s growing up. It’s time for both of us to move on.

“We’ve both been feeling guilty for wanting to live our lives. But maybe this is how things are meant to be. You’ll always be my sister, Grace. No matter what.”

“Promise?”

“I promise. Go tell the Barnetts that you’re ready to get adopted.”

She sniffles a little on the other end of the line. “Okay. But wait, what about you? Does this mean that you’re going to stay with the hottie hacker now?”

“Yes. He asked me to stay. He really loves me Grace. And I love him, too. I just hate that I’ll be so far away from you.”

“I’ll miss you, too but don’t worry about me. Luke is the one who needs you right now.”

“I’m not sure what he needs.”

“Seven, he’s never lost a parent before. You have. You’d know better than anyone what he needs right now.”

After we hang up, I think about what she said. When I lost my mom, for years all I could think about was why. That’s how I know Luke is torturing himself with guilt over what happened. I pick up my cell phone again and start dialing.

My sister is right. I know exactly what he needs.

†

I open the door and allow Tank to come in. A few minutes later Gabe and Zack arrive together. They all take seats on the couch. I glance behind me to make sure that Luke isn’t out of the shower yet.

“We’re just waiting on—”

Finn pokes his head through the door. “Am I late?”

I usher him inside and to the chair I pulled from the kitchen. “Right on time. He’ll be out in a second.”

Sure enough, a few minutes later Luke emerges wearing a pair of jeans unsnapped at the waist. His hair is still wet, the thick curls gleaming in the light.

“When did you guys get here?” He manages an appropriate amount of interest when he asks the question. Someone who didn’t know him well might not be able to tell that anything is wrong but I can hear the trepidation in his voice.

He glances over at me warily.

“I asked them to come. So I can tell them the truth.”

“Seven—”

“It’s my fault. And you’ve been self-destructing this past month with guilt.” He closes his eyes. “You’ve been trying to hide it but it’s so obvious. I know you blame me.”

“I don’t blame you. I blame myself. Never you.”

Tank turns to me. “You mentioned over the phone that Luke gave information to the authorities about Max?”

“Yeah, but he only did it to save me. They were threatening to arrest me if I didn’t help them get information from Luke. So he gave them some information he thought wouldn’t implicate Max directly but I guess it did somehow. We never thought this would happen.”

“Of course you didn’t. Why would you?” Tank replies. His eyes shift over to Luke. “Do you know what my most vivid memory is of Max? It’s watching the lights on his car as he drove away when he left us. I can still hear my mom crying.”

Luke sits on the edge of the couch but doesn’t say anything.

Tank looks over at Finn. “Do you even remember that?”

Finn shakes his head. “I have no conscious memories from that age. And when we met again, I didn’t care about getting to know him at all. I just figured if some old guy wanted to give out money, why not let him?”

Luke looks up in shock.

“What? You thought you were the only one with a fucked up relationship with our mafia pops?” Gabe chuckles. “I stole his assistant’s security card so I could snoop around his hotel suite.”

“Yeah, you showed me the pictures you took.” Luke smiles. “I had forgotten that.”

Gabe holds his ribs. “I haven’t forgotten any of that. I still can’t twist my torso without feeling it where that crazy bastard knifed me.”

“Your father stabbed you?” I blurt, forgetting that I’m supposed to be an impartial observer.

Zack chuckles at my outburst. “No, that would be our mafia hitman cousin, Blade. Apparently Max helped raise him though, so I’m not sure that’s much better.”

Luke crosses his arm. “So the point is that we’ve all had some pretty insane interactions with Max.”

Zack pats him on the shoulder. “I told him everything he did wrong. I accused him of being selfish, irresponsible and fucking up all our lives. He let me, too. Our relationship wasn’t puppies and rainbows. It was ninety-nine percent me yelling at him for being a shitty father.”

They fall quiet. Finally Luke sighs. “You guys didn’t have to come over here just to make me feel better.”

Tank stands.  “We didn’t come over here to make you feel better. We’re here to tell you that we feel responsible, too. But it’s something we’ve had to come to terms with. Did you ever get a chance to talk to him, one on one?”

Luke nods thoughtfully. “The day I warned him about what was coming, we had lunch together. He was so different from what I was expecting. In my head I’d built him up to be this monster but in the end, he was just a man.”

“Max would have been the first to admit that he wasn’t a great person for most of his life. He wasn’t arrested unjustly. It’s probably a miracle he evaded authorities as long as he did. It wasn’t your fault, Luke. You just accelerated the inevitable.”

Tank pulls him into a hug and I hang back watching them. Soon conversation turns to other things and slowly, Luke starts to sound more like himself.

After an hour, Tank looks at his watch and then stands. “I’d better go. If I don’t come home with the right flavor of ice cream, Em is going to kill me. Oh by the way, you’re all going to be uncles soon.”

There’s a chorus of cheers and what looks like a lot of pushing and shoving but at the end they’re all grinning so I assume this is part of how they bond. They all file out and I wave to them one by one. Finally only Tank is left.

“We were getting worried about you, kid.”

Luke crosses his arms. “I know. Thank you for this. Seriously, I needed to hear some of that. I’ll probably always feel guilty for how things went down but it helps to put things in perspective. He was a terrible father in so many ways but at the end he was making an effort to redeem himself. I’ll have to come to terms with that in my own time so I can move on and forgive him.”

Tank claps him on the shoulder.  “Maybe then you can finally forgive yourself.”

chapter fifteen

†

LUKE

Voices and music carry over the warm afternoon air from the backyard of my mom’s house. It’s the end of the summer and this will probably be the last cookout of the season.

I sit on the front steps and sigh as I’m finally alone. My family has been worried about me and I know I’ve given them reason but it’s almost as exhausting to have them all hovering. Thank God for Seven.

Just the thought of my girl brings a smile to my face.

Her love and patience have been a balm to my ragged soul. As the days pass and I love her deeper still, I can feel the wounds in my heart starting to heal.

She has moved in completely and my living room has become her office. My apartment never seemed small before but now that we’re both living and working from the same space, it suddenly feels microscopic. My brothers know more about real estate than I do so they’ve been keeping an eye out for property we might want to buy. Just a few months ago the idea of buying land and living with someone would have freaked me out but now I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Seven’s laughter carries over the sound of the music. I was worried that after years alone that she’d think it was weird to spend so much time with my mom or resent having to entertain my grandpop and my overly friendly uncles. But she fit right in from the very first time she met everyone. I think they get along better with her sometimes than with me!

A delivery truck pulls up to the curb and the driver jumps out. Whistling, he makes his way up the driveway, a parcel in his hand.

“Luke Marshall?” he asks.

I stand. “That’s me.”

He holds out his clipboard for me to sign and then once I’m done, hands me the large padded envelope. “Have a great day!”

I don’t respond, my mind already on the contents of the envelope. Not just on the contents but on the fact that it was delivered here. I haven’t gotten mail at my mom’s place in ages. I don’t recognize the sender but when I rip it open, I immediately recognize the distinctive blue paper inside. With trembling hands, I unfold the letter. It’s dated over a month ago.

Dear Luke,

Writing this letter is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But I feel that in death a man should be able to set things right. Though nothing can ever atone for the things I’ve done, I want to try. I’ll start with an apology.

I am truly sorry for all the pain I’ve caused. 

Your mother is a beautiful, strong, spirited woman and I loved her even though I had no right to. She has raised you to be a man of integrity and honor. Because of this I know that you will be looking back on our last interaction with sadness or even guilt. But any guilt you have, I ask now that you let it go. 

My son, things happen the way they are meant to. I could never be angry with you for anything. I’ve watched you grow from afar these many years and I hope one day, perhaps when you have children of your own, that you can understand a fraction of how much I’ve loved you. Or that you’ll at least be able to look back and remember me without anger. 

So many emotions bounce around inside of me as I read my father’s final words. Guilt, sadness, shame, weakness. I’ve been eaten up by guilt and self-recrimination but I see now that Max wouldn’t have wanted that. He had his faults but he wanted me to be happy. My heart lighter, I pick up reading where I left off.

What I wish most is for you to go forward with the knowledge that I am at peace. That’s all a man can ask for in this life though I do have one final request. 

Live. Live well. For life only happens once.

And now I leave you my son with a bit of Irish wisdom. 

Go bhfana í ngrá linn, 

Iad siúd atá í ngrá linn.

Iad siúd nach bhfuil,

Go gcasa Dia a gcroíthe.

Agus muna gcasann Sé a gcroíthe 

Go gcasa Sé caol na coise acu 

Go n-aithneoimid iad as a mbacadaíl. 

May those who love us, 

Love us. 

And those who do not love us, 

May God turn their hearts.

And if He doesn't turn their hearts,

May He turn their ankles,

So we'll know them by their limping. 

With love,

Maxwell Marshall

While I was on the verge of embarrassing myself by crying right here in the open when I read the last stanza, I burst into laughter. The sound rolls through me, erasing weeks of guilt and doubt.

“You always have to get the last word, don’t you?” I look up to the sky as I ask the question. Who knows, maybe he can hear me.

It’s too late for us to have a relationship but it’s not too late for me to heed his advice. That’s the ultimate way to honor my father’s legacy. Despite his faults, he sacrificed quite a bit so that we could live free from the burdens of his past. To give us a life that was our own.

The least I can do is live that life to the fullest.

“What are you doing sitting out here, sweetie? You’d better get back in there before your Uncle Eddie eats all of that apple pie.”

My mom comes out of the front door and then lowers herself to the step beside me.

Without a word, I hand her the letter. She reads it silently, stopping halfway through to wipe away tears. She folds it carefully and hands it back.

“He was always a good man underneath. Troubled but a good man. I’m glad I wasn’t wrong about that.”

I turn to look at her. When I was too young to know better, I used to ask about my father all the time. But once I was old enough to understand I avoided any mention of him, wanting to spare her embarrassment or pain. But now with a little distance, I wonder if that was a mistake. Maybe I would have understood him better, and her better, too if I’d asked a few more questions. Or at least tried to understand what drew them together in the first place instead of just casting Max as a villain without a care.

“How did you do it, Mom? Over the years, you never made me feel like I was a burden even though I know it had to have been hard. I was a constant reminder of him.”

She puts her arm around my shoulders. “It was hard but it was never a burden. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You’re not a reminder of your father. You’re a gift.”

“I can only hope to be half the parent you were one day. But you set the bar awfully high.”

She smiles, delighted. “Oh sweetheart. I can’t wait for that day either. Speaking of babies …”

“Here we go.” I chuckle at my own stupidity for even giving her the opening. She’s been hinting rather heavily lately that I should make sure Seven knows how much I respect her and that I don’t just want to live in sin as she calls it. I didn’t want to tell her that Sev and I are both quite enjoying living in sin. And sinning as often as we can.

“That sweet girl is mighty worried about you. I am, too.”

I hold up the letter. “I’m going to be fine now but I guess I should get back inside so she can see that. She’s been amazing through all of this.”

“She loves you.”

“I love her, too. I just wish I could do something for her. To show her how I feel.”

Mom pats my shoulder as she stands up. “You’ll think of something. Now come on because I’m not making another one of those pies!”

†

Before I go back in the house, I stash my father’s letter in my back pocket. My uncles and cousins tend to be pretty nosy and I’m not ready for anyone else to read those words yet. Except for my girl, that is.

I find Seven in the kitchen standing guard over the last slice of pie. She’s holding a fork out like a weapon. My uncle Eddie stands on the other side of the counter eyeing it like he’s looking for a weak spot in her defense.

“Stand back. I have no problem fighting an old man,” she threatens.

He laughs. “Come on. If he hasn’t come back by now, he isn’t coming. I won’t tell him.”

“Uncle Eddie, are you trying to steal my girl?”

He makes a disgruntled face when I reach over and grab the plate. He winks at Seven. “I was trying to steal the pie but the girl is a close second. You’re lucky she saved it for you. You’ve got a good one here, Luke.”

My eyes meet hers. “Yeah, I know.”

Uncle Eddie satisfies himself with several chocolate chip cookies and then shuffles out. Finally we’re alone.

“Do you feel better? It was kind of loud earlier, huh?”

I swallow a forkful of pie. She really is a good one. Plenty of girls would be pissed if their boyfriend left them to fend for themselves at a family event but Sev gets it when I need a moment of solitude. There are no questions or accusations. Just understanding.

I pull my father’s letter from my back pocket. “While I was out there, this arrived.”

Her mouth falls open slightly as she reads. When she’s done, she folds it carefully and hands it back. “Wow. Are you okay after reading that?”

“Actually … yeah. Max was at peace and that’s all I can ask for. I’ll always wish that I could have spent a little more time with him though.”

The thought brings to mind the perfect gift for Seven. The one thing she’s always wanted. Her sister.

I walk around the counter and hug her from behind.

“You know, I didn’t give the FBI everything.”

She tenses against me. “Luke—”

“No, just hear me out. Now that Max is gone, I’m not worried about holding anything back. If we bargain right, we could probably get custody of your sister. Dealing with Agent Walker will be a pain but we can do it. I know how much that means to you. I want you to have everything you need to be happy.”

She turns in my arms and kisses me gently. “I do have everything I need. Right here.”

“But what about Grace?”

“She told me she’s happy where she is. And I’m finally happy, too.”

Even though she seems sincere, I worry that she’s brushing aside things that matter to her to be with me.

“You don’t have to pretend that you’re not disappointed. I know how much the custody petition meant to you. Maybe if we get married it’ll give your petition more weight. I’m a billionaire and money speaks. We don’t have to just let this go.”

She covers my mouth with her hand. “Don’t call the cavalry yet. Grace is fine. She told me she’s happy where she is. The family she’s fostering with wants to adopt her and I think it’s for the best.”

Slightly mollified, I nip at the back of her hand. “If you’re sure. Well, maybe I’ll buy a helicopter so you can visit her whenever you want. I’m a billionaire after all.”

She laughs. “You’re a billionaire, huh? I didn’t catch that.”

We laugh together, mocking the media firestorm that has turned our lives upside down. My father’s dramatic death in police custody brought an insane amount of attention to our family. Social media in particular went crazy with the discovery of five young billionaires. Gabe has become especially popular. There’s a Twitter account devoted just to his hair.

I’ve started texting the memes to him every day just because it annoys him so much.

“Sev?”

“Hmm?”

“I wanted to say thank you. For loving me. Sticking with me this past month and giving me the space I needed to work things out in my own head. I know that couldn’t have been easy but you were always there when I needed you.”

“And I always will be.”

“I’m so glad I didn’t listen to my mom when I was a kid.”

“What do you mean?” She crinkles her nose at the seemingly sudden change of topic.

“She always told me not to talk to strangers online.”

I kiss her until she throws her arms around my neck and we’re both gasping for breath. When she finally opens her eyes, her expression is dreamy. I hope to keep that look on her face for the rest of her life.