Текст книги "Sometimes Moments"

Автор книги: Len Webster

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Текущая страница: 18 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

Almost a week after Callum had returned to her, Peyton stood outside the remains of her hotel. On Monday, they would start the rebuild. Today was June’s rehearsal album release party. After a day of setting up the stage and making sure the wiring and electricity were working, they were ready. Those in the town were welcome to stop by to see June. Peyton didn’t hate the town or the people. She wanted to be happy with her life and held no grudge on those who had played their part in the demise of The Spencer-Dayle.

Peyton sat on the bench in front of the stage with a smile. The rehearsal concert was perfect. She knew her hotel wasn’t the most picturesque place to have a release party, but it was what June wanted. Turning around, she noticed Graham and Callum talking. They looked defeated and worried as they talked. She put it down to their exhaustion over making June’s album release at the hotel perfect. In the week since his return, Callum had spent a lot of time with Graham. And in that week, undeniable happiness had been shared with him. The hesitation had still been in his eyes as they’d made love, but she was going to help him move past it. They would find a way.

She watched them hug before she walked over to them both, curious of their interaction. Then they stopped immediately once she approached them and Callum gave her a smile that quickly faded

“Hey,” Peyton greeted, stopping in front of them. “What you guys talking about?”

Callum let out a soft groan, so soft that she’d almost missed it. But she didn’t miss the way he clenched his fist so tight that his knuckles turned white.

“Nothing,” he finally let out in a breathless whisper.

“I’m going to go help Madilynne with the food. I’ll give you guys some time together,” Graham said, excusing himself.

For a second, she caught a flash of sadness in Graham’s eyes as he walked past her.

“Peyton, do you want to go for a walk?” Callum asked.

She nodded. “Okay.”

He took her hand, his grip on her not as strong as it had been a few days ago, and the cool touch of his skin almost had her jumping. He raised their joined hands and kissed the back of hers as he led her towards the pier.

Callum’s fingers were loosening, and every once in a while, he’d stop and try to hold her hand more firmly. And when he did he gave her a smile. Once they reached the pier, they walked across it to the sight of the setting sun. The sky filled with oranges, purples and reds, just like his photograph. Then Callum leant on the wooden railing as he looked out at the horizon as a sad look consumed his face.

When he let go of her hand and looked back at her, the honest fear in his eyes frightened her.

“Peyton,” he said breathlessly.

“Yes?” she asked, not taking her eyes off of him.

“You’ve always deserved better than me.”

She shook her head to object. “That’s not—”

He stopped her by taking her hands in his. “We don’t have a lot of time left, my love. You still promise to live a good and happy life once I leave?”

He’s still leaving…

“No,” she confessed, her eyes tearing.

He sighed. “Please don’t cry, Peyton. It makes this so hard for me to say.”

“Then don’t say it. Please don’t say it.”

Tears ran down his face. They weren’t like the ones she had seen him shed before.

“I love you. Don’t you ever forget that. I love you so damn much. I’ve fought hard to try to hold on long enough to grow old with you. I’ve tried so hard to breathe enough to make tomorrow with you. I’m sorry I’m failing you, Peyton. I’m sorry we don’t have a tomorrow within us.” He struggled to take a deep breath. “I’ve been trying to tell you all week. I just…don’t know how to tell you.”

Peyton’s heart ached as tears continued to fall. “I don’t understand. You’re not making sense. We’ll figure out a way to be together. I swear we’ll be together. If I have to leave this town, I’ll do it. Please let me be with you!” she cried.

Callum let go of her hands and cupped her face. “It’s not me that’s stopping us. It’s the universe. All I want is a lifetime with you. I love you, Peyton. You are my forever, never just my sometimes.”

He kissed her, his lips not as strong and firm as before. They were soft and not quite making movement. And that’s when Callum let out a groan as his hands slipped. He almost fell on top of her, and Peyton had to hold him up.

“Callum!” she cried.

He shouted in pain as his body started to convulse. Peyton wasn’t strong enough to keep him on his feet, so they fell onto the pier, his body shaking violently in her arms.

“Callum! What do I do? Callum!” she screamed, her tears landing on his face.

She wrestled his weight to pull her phone out of her pocket, screaming his name as his body trembled.

“Stay with me, please,” she pleaded as she dialled triple zero.

Callum’s convulsion started to slow down until he breathed out, “Peyton.”

She held him tight. “Please don’t leave me. Please stay!”

“I—” he started to stay as his eyes slowly closed.

“No! No!” she shrieked as the operator answered.

“Peyton!” Graham’s voice screamed.

She raised her head to see Graham racing towards the pier as Peyton held Callum tightly, trying to stop his thrashing.

“Help me, Graham! Please help me!” she shouted from the top of her lungs. Then she looked back down at Callum as his hands trembled.

When Graham reached them, he took the phone from her and started talking into the speaker, Peyton unable to hear a word he said.

“Tell me you love me again,” she whispered as she stroked his face.

Callum’s shaky hand reached up and rested on top of hers. “I love you forever,” he said. Then his breathing became shallow.

“Just know you found redemption the moment you walked back into my life. I love you, Callum,” she sobbed.

“Peyton, the ambulance will be here in seconds,” Graham said.

Callum’s hand fell away from hers, landing against his body. His body relaxed in her arms, and she felt him inhale one last final breath before he breathed it out.

“No!” she cried and placed her hand over his chest.

No heartbeat.

“No!” she cried again. “Come back to me.”

She wailed harder than she had ever before as her grasp on him tightened. Then she whimpered into the top of his head, her tears wetting his hair.

“I love you. Come back,” she begged softly. “Come back to me, Callum.”

Tears dragged themselves across her face as she looked at his pale face. She felt it. Every last Callum Reid breath experienced, she felt.

I watched and felt the love of my life die.

Peyton stood by and watched his loved ones gather around his grave. No matter how much she tried, she couldn’t convince herself to witness his wake. She had experienced his death in her hands. She had watched him die. No amount of happy pictures of Callum Reid could ever make her forget the last moments of his life.

The pain inside her was unbearable. She wasn’t sure how she had made it through the last three days, but she had. Her aunt and uncle had returned to Daylesford, having ignored Peyton’s objections. June’s album release had been cancelled and moved to the Docklands in the city. Life and the hotel had stalled.

She couldn’t will herself out of bed. Callum’s funeral was what had gotten her up. Jenny had driven her and attended the service while Peyton had stood outside, crying. Callum’s mother had been the one to contact Peyton to ask if she wanted to speak, but Peyton had refused. She couldn’t speak of their love. No one had understood when he was alive, so they wouldn’t now that he was dead.

Brain tumour.

That’s what Graham had told her moments after the ambulance had taken Callum to the hospital to await an autopsy. The first thing Peyton had done was slap Graham in the face for keeping it from her. Never had she believed that Callum was dying. If only she had seen the signs: his headaches, and his recent dizziness, and tiredness. She could have done something. After some struggle, Graham had held her and told her the truth. Peyton had cried and called her best friend a liar. It had taken Madilynne and Jenny talking to her before Peyton settled down.

The front door was always knocked on. But Aunt Brenda would answer and ask them to give Peyton some time. Jay had knocked on the door, too, but he was the last person she wanted to see. Callum dying had made Peyton hate Jay with more ferociousness than necessary.

Now, three days after his death, Peyton stood at a distance. Those who grieved him stood in her way of saying goodbye. She didn’t want to say goodbye. She still held hope that he’d be outside her window or at the pier or at their spot in the forest, but he wasn’t. Not a day went by where she didn’t cry.

“Cherry blossoms,” Graham said as he stood next to her.

She noticed the flowers in his hand and laughed. She actually laughed. “Lavender?” she asked.

He shrugged with a grin. “There’s that smile. He always did call me lavender boy. Why not get the last laugh?”

That smile he’d noticed faded as she looked down at the cherry blossoms in her hands. “I miss him. I can feel him with me, but I turn around and I’m alone.”

“I’m sorry he didn’t get the chance to tell you, Peyton.”

She picked up a loose cherry blossom and threw it with the wind, watching it fly. “He tried to tell me,” she said. “He also left me, thinking it was going to be better.”

“I know it sounds kind of cliché to say this, but I know he’ll always be with you, Peyton. He loved you more than you realise,” Graham said.

She only nodded in agreement.

Peyton gazed at the sight of people starting to make their way to the car park to head off to the lunch Mrs Reid had planned. Peyton wouldn’t attend, and the Reids knew that. She had seen them when she’d first arrived at the funeral house. The look on Mrs Reid’s face had broken Peyton’s heart. It hadn’t just been the look of a mother who had lost her only child. It had been the look of knowing that someone who had loved her son had lost him, too. His parents had arrived in Daylesford in a matter of hours the day he’d died, but they’d never crossed paths. They had been quick to take their son back home to the city.

“It’s time you left Daylesford, Graham,” Peyton finally said.

“What?”

“It’s time. One of us has to make it out of this town. Callum was right. There is something beautiful outside of our town, and for you, it’s Mads. You have to leave that farm and be with her. Your dad will be okay. I will visit him daily if I have to.”

This time, Peyton saw understanding flash in his eyes, and then he nodded.

“Give me some time to find someone who can mind the farm while I’m in the city. I can work from home, but I need someone to do the manual work. This goes two ways, Peyton. It’s time you left Daylesford, too,” Graham said.

It was her turn to nod. “Once the hotel is built and I get things on track, I’m going to see the world.”

A proud smile developed on her best friend’s face. “Where first?”

Peyton glanced at Callum’s grave before she looked back at Graham. “Austria. I’m going for the both of us.”

“That’s beautiful, Peyton.” Graham looped his arm around hers. “Ready to say goodbye?”

Peyton shook her head. “Never, but I’ll try.”

She took a shaky step towards the freshly covered grave. Then she swallowed hard at the sight of his headstone, his name carved into the stone.

When she reached Callum’s final resting place, Graham set the lavender on a clear spot, the countless flowers proving that he was a man loved by many.

“You loved her right, Callum. I’ll take care of her for you and I’ll keep her out of trouble. You’ll be missed, mate. Thank you for Madilynne. Thank you for making Peyton smile and laugh again. And thank you for coming back for her,” Graham said before he took a few steps back to give her some time with him.

Peyton set the bundle of cherry blossoms on top of his headstone and sat on the wet grass. As she stared at his name, her heart ached to see it mark his grave.

“I miss you. Words can’t express the pain and misery I feel. I love you, and saying it over and over again will never bring you back. I get why you didn’t tell me. I hated and loved that you didn’t. I get why you left the first time. Your mother said you wanted to leave once you found out about your tumour because you didn’t want me to see you suffer. And I also get why you left the second time. Graham’s right—you loved me right, Callum Reid. I promise to live a good and happy life for the both of us. Life is never fair, but you taught me it’s what you do with it because life is purely a cluster of sometimes moments. When they’re grouped together, they are the beautiful forever moments of your life.

“Thank you for our sometimes moments, Callum. They were beautiful and unforgettable. They are my forever moments. I like to believe that we were living the forever the universe was depriving us of. We made it to forever, Callum. And forever had never been so beautiful than when it was you.”

There were no tears. The reflection of their love and time together had her smiling lightly.

“I made it out of Daylesford. I didn’t get far, but I got past the signs thanks to Jenny. She misses you. So does Mads and Graham. But I miss you the most. I’m trying to live a happy life, but it’s been hard since you left. But you left behind reasons for me to keep going and find happiness in what I have. We had a love that most people will never experience. I’ll visit you in my dreams when I’m not in the city. I love you always. This isn’t me saying goodbye forever, not when I can see you and feel you in our sometimes moments,” Peyton said as she stood up.

She stared at the cherry blossoms her uncle had helped pick from her tree. They were beautiful and bright pink, a symbolism of him.

“Goodbye, Callum, my love.”

Peyton spun around to see Madilynne and Jenny talking to Graham. When they looked at her, Peyton smiled. They were her family. People who supported her through every loss and every pain she experienced. What she did from now on was for them and Callum.

“There’s somewhere I want to go before we head back to town if that’s okay?” Peyton asked once she walked to them.

“Wherever you want to go today and any day of your life, we’ll get you there,” Jenny said, a tear running down her cheek.

Looking down at her left hand and then her wrist, she nodded to herself. She glanced up at the clearing sky and breathed out.

God, if you’re listening, thank you for him. Thank you for Callum Reid.

“Six days, Callum. That’s how many days it’s been since I felt your last breath.”

Peyton sat at the end of her bed, holding the framed picture of his written love. Some days, she cried, and some days, she didn’t. On the rare occasion that she didn’t cry, she felt guilty that she wasn’t crying. People from the town still stopped by, but Peyton never answered the door. Her aunt still sent them away, asking for more time. Her uncle would stop by for a daily joke that would actually make her laugh, but then Peyton would stay in bed.

The feel of him was starting to disappear. He was becoming just a memory, and she hated it. She wanted to physically feel him breathe and move. She wished she had seen the signs of his failing health sooner; then she wouldn’t have had him work on the hotel. They’d have spent his last days together with no care. But Peyton knew Callum hadn’t wanted her to put her life on hold for him. She believed that was why he’d left town at seventeen, when he was first diagnosed.

Peyton placed the picture on her bed and turned her wrist over, following the letters she’d had tattooed on her skin.

Callum.

In her own handwriting, his name branded her skin just like her heart. The night after the funeral, she’d held her bandaged wrist to her chest, hoping somewhere he’d felt her love for him.

Suddenly, a knock on the front door had Peyton looking up. In the last two days, no one had knocked on the door, finally getting the hint that she wasn’t interested in talking to anyone. Peyton walked out of her room and towards the front door.

If it were Jay again, she’d do what she had done to Graham moments after Callum died and slap him. No amount of apologetic voicemails and text messages could persuade her to forgive him anytime soon. She just needed time.

She opened the front door and was surprised to see Callum’s best friend in a suit, holding a box.

“Hello, Peyton,” he said. The life and joy in his eyes had been replaced with a miserable cloud—one Peyton knew well.

“Oliver, this is a surprise. How are you?”

His mouth tugged into a frown. “Like shit. I miss him, but I know it’s nothing compared to what you’re going through.”

“I miss him, too. Would you like to come in for cuppa?” she asked, but Oliver shook his head.

“No. Unfortunately, I have to get back to the city. I drove to drop these off for you,” he said, holding the box out to her.

Confused, she took the small, pink box in her hand and looked up at him. “What is it?”

“Callum left it behind. The day before his… The day before he called me to say goodbye. Told me that he left a box in his parents’ house and, after the funeral, I had to come by and give it to you,” Oliver explained and quickly wiped his eyes. It was evident that he had never experienced losing someone who he loved.

Peyton took a step forward and hugged him tight. Then Oliver let out a mumbling sob over her shoulder. After a minute, she untangled her arms and stared at the box she held in her hands.

“Every birthday or anniversary, he’d say, ‘I’m going to see here today. Today is the day I win her forgiveness.’ But each time he left to see you, he’d call and say he couldn’t do it. The first year of chemo he was a mess. When your parents died, he cried, and I had never seen him cry. He just said to me that you would never want to see him after their funeral. You see, Peyton, his last hope of being with you died when your parents did. Your father informed him on how you were doing and kept telling him of when it was a good day to visit. Your dad was the link Callum needed, and it got him through chemo. When they died, he knew he’d never get you back, so he tried less and less. When he found out that the tumour had returned, the first thing he did was call me and tell me that, this time, he had to do it. That’s when I told him that Marissa and I would get married in Daylesford like he had suggested.”

For the first time today, tears welled and then fell. Hearing that her father had kept Callum informed of her made her heart ache. Hearing that he had gone through chemo alone hurt her more. She wished she had been there to support him. For four years, she’d believed he was living the city lifestyle, but in reality, he had been just as lonely as she had.

“He loved you, Peyton. He never wanted you to see the sick side of him. Knowing him, he’ll never stop loving you. I know you were angry with him for a long time, but I hope you can see that he did it all to save you from a life he believed you weren’t suited for. He believed his tumour would hold you back,” Oliver explained.

“I’m not angry, Oliver. I was lonely. I missed him and I will always miss him. He claimed and took my heart. I understand why he did it,” Peyton said, looking up to meet his eyes.

Oliver smiled and nodded. “We’ll keep in touch, Peyton. You deserved a life together. I’m sorry it was taken from you both.”

Me, too.

“I’ll see you around, Oliver.” Peyton bid farewell as she watched him walk down the steps.

Oliver stared at the Reid’s house before he got into his car and drove towards the town’s exit. She too gazed over it. It would no longer be the Reid’s as they had placed it on the market after Callum’s funeral. Peyton never found out why the Reid’s had kept it vacant for over four years but she believed it was so they had another reason to return to Daylesford.

After closing the front door, Peyton stared at the pink box. She went into the kitchen and out onto the veranda. Then she made her way down the steps to the backyard and around the house until she stood under their cherry blossom tree. Taking in the beautiful pink flowers, they reminded her of him. She walked up to the base of the tree and placed her hand on the bark as though she could feel his heartbeat within the wood.

Peyton turned around and sat on the grass, leaning on the tree. Then she peeked at the tree branches to see the light thread through the spaces. She closed her eyes, and in that moment, she felt him with her. And felt his love within her. When she closed her eyes, he was alive with her.

After she breathed out, she stared at the box. She took off the lid to see an envelope. Then proceeded to pick it up and find that, under it, there was a camera and Polaroids in the bottom of the box. Her heart froze at the sight of them. Some looked years old while some appeared to be fairly recent. Placing the box in her lap, she looked at the envelope.

Her name was written in black ink, the same way he’d tattooed it on his wrist. Her heart jerked at seeing his handwriting, missing him even more so. For the second time today, she wiped the tears from her cheeks.

With a shaky hand, Peyton ripped the back of the envelope and pulled out several pieces of folded paper. Then she gave herself a second to prepare her heart before she read his final words to her.

Dear Peyton,

I’m not sure what I can say to make this easier for you and for me. But I am sorry. I never wanted this. I guess I didn’t get the chance to tell you. Maybe I avoided telling you because I was scared to watch you die in front of my eyes. It was selfish of me, I know. So give me a second. Right now, you’re asleep next to me. And I’m sure this is the last time I’ll hold you. As I write this, I’m saying these three words out loud to you:

Peyton, I’m dying.

I think I only have days left in me.

I’m hoping I still have days left.

Today, you smiled and I almost told you right there. I almost ripped your heart out with two words:

I’m dying.

You laughed today and I almost said: I’m dying.

You cried today and I almost said: I’m dying.

You held me today and I almost said: I’m dying.

You kissed me today and I almost said: I’m dying.

You made love to me today and I almost said: I’m dying.

You told me you loved me today and I said: I love you, too.

You slept today and I almost said: I’m dying.

You told me you loved me again today and I almost said: I’m dying.

You rested your head in my lap under the cherry blossoms today and I said: I love you forever, Peyton.

We sat in our spot today and I almost said: I’m dying.

I almost said goodbye today, but you said: I’ll love you more than each breath I take and each moment I live after you. I love you like the waves hug the shores, only apart for so long, always together by nature. I’ll love you even after every star burns out in our galaxy. I’ll love you even after the last breaths of forever are made.

You broke my heart today and I said: You’ll live a happy life.

You let me hold your hand today and I thought: You are my forever, Peyton. Never just my sometimes.

You woke up in my arms today and I almost said: I’m dying, Peyton. Please forgive me today.

I’ve mentally thought of the words I’d say to you. But how do you tell the love of your life that you’re dying? How do you willingly kill yourself before the tumour does? How do you watch the hope and love die in her eyes? How do you keep from telling her that you’ll never see her again, hear her heartbeat, hear her breathe, and hear her tell you she loves you? How?

The answer is: I don’t know how to and I didn’t want to.

There was never a good time to tell you. My plan was never to walk back into Daylesford with you telling me that you loved me back. I never planned to finally tell you that I loved you. I never planned on kissing you, holding you, making love to you, or seeing you smile at me. I never planned, but I hoped—no, I dreamed—for all of those. You, Peyton Olivia, are my biggest dream. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to witness all of life’s firsts you have yet to discover. You will make a beautiful fiancée, a beautiful wife, a beautiful soul mate, a beautiful mother, and a beautiful lover.

I want you to be all those for me. I’ve begged and tried to negotiate with the world. I never wanted a future more than after the tumour came back. If I could marry you right now, I’d do it. I’d kill for it. I’d give up an extra day of my life for you to be Peyton Reid, my wife, my soul mate, the mother of my child, and my ever-so-beautiful lover. If God gave me more time, I would make it all happen. But God gave me limited time and I wasted four years of it away from you. I didn’t want you to see me go through chemo. I didn’t want you to see me want to give up on life. I didn’t want you to think of me dying. I wanted you to live. I wanted you to find happiness and be free from me. I wanted you to be saved from me.

Weeks before I saw you again, the doctor told me that, this time, chemo didn’t work. My first thought was of you, not of my life. I needed to come back for you. This time, I had to make it past the sign. I had to be in breathing distance of you. I needed to feel your pain. I needed to know that being away was the best for you. I needed to remember why I left the first time. I love you, I have loved you, and I will always love you.

I don’t remember how we met. We were just in each other’s lives. But I’ll tell you about the moment that I wanted more from you. The moment that I knew I was in love with you.

I was walking home from town. Mum had me drop off some cakes for some of the businesses. I walked around the lake to see you sitting on the pier. You were watching the sun set. You watched it with this wonder and beauty. You were sixteen. You were beautiful. You had my heart in that moment. I had held your hand at thirteen, but at sixteen, you had my existence. I walked up to you and sat next to you. We were best friends, but this moment was magical. I knew that I loved you in that moment. You made my heart beat for a purpose. I asked you all the time, but this time, it was different. I asked you if you wanted me to walk you home with all my love and with all of my heart. Not because you were my best friend but because I was in love with you. I have been in love with you unconditionally. I have been in love with you for more than forever. You are my one and only love. I will always love you more than the last breath I take in life. I will love you more than the waves hug the shore. I will love you more and more with every day that passes us. I will love you after every star in existence burns out.

My last breath will be of my lungs exhaling my love for you. I will wait for you until I see you again, maybe in heaven or maybe in another life. Heaven may be out of my reach, so I will see you in another life. I will be looking for you. I may not know it, but each breath I take and each step I take will lead me closer to you. My favourite flower will be the cherry blossom. That’ll be our code. And maybe in this other life, I get to grow old with you and love you the way I should have.

No matter what life we live after this one, I will love you in every life we live until the end of time. I will find you again, Peyton. I will find you and I will love you, and it will be right for us. You are the most important person in my universe. You were everything in existence that made sense. You made me love so much that it terrified me to stay when I found out I was sick.

I never want you to be lonely, Peyton. Find him. He’s out there waiting for you. He will love you the way I couldn’t. He will love you until forever. Unlike me, he is capable of doing so. Find happiness, Peyton. Never be lonely. I will be watching over you. I will make sure you find him and happiness. I want you to have a life that gives you everything. Have kids. Have forever moments. Have a lifetime of memories. Love someone more than you loved me. Love him because he will love you through the pain I caused you. He will heal your heart and make you better. Introduce him to your mother’s French toast and make him fall in love with them.

I was your first love, Peyton. But I am not your last.

Your heart will heal and your belief in love will mend.

You will be stronger and you will live a life without regrets.

You are the most beautiful and awe-inspiring woman, who deserves to have the universe at her feet. I’ve left you a box of all of our sometimes moments. I know some people give the love of their life diamonds or jewellery, but they don’t mean as much as the Polaroids that proved our love. I’ve also left you my camera to take Polaroids of your forever moments. I want you to take a countless amount of pictures.

Peyton Olivia Spencer, our sometimes moments were my forever moments. We didn’t have an end; we just had a goodbye until I see you again.

You were the cherry blossom of my life, the bright light that made me great.

But it’s time it was said:

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Thank you for your love and for letting me fall in love with you. It has been a privilege.

It was never just a kiss.

You have my heart forever,

Callum

Peyton held his letter against her chest as she leant her head back on the tree and stared at their cherry blossoms. Tears ran down her face as she smiled and thought of all the times they’d sat under this tree and forgotten the world. This was their safe haven and the one place in the world where one kiss had changed them.

It wasn’t just a kiss. It was a kiss that started our sometimes. And our sometimes is our forever.