Текст книги "The Song Remains the Same"

Автор книги: Kelli Jean

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Текущая страница: 24 (всего у книги 28 страниц)

An eerie calm came over me as I made my way through my backyard. The time had come. I had known it from the moment that disembodied voice in my white nightmare told me they had taken away my Little Zephyr.

The fetus was dead.

Already, I felt the cramping, the aching in my lower back. I knew what to expect, and it wouldn’t be necessary to go to the hospital. I was a little over nine weeks along, and once the bleeding started, it would just be a matter of waiting for the miscarriage to run its course.

Earlier in the week, I’d prepared for this. With Little Zephyr’s life nearly snuffed, I would have no guilt in smoking a shit-ton of weed for the pain, and I’d stashed a mad amount of mega pads under my bathroom sink. I was good to go.

What I hadn’t counted on was Lili meeting me in the kitchen so early. I was fixing myself a cup of tea when she groggily traipsed in.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, her voice rough with sleep but her intention sweet.

“I live here,” I replied, feeling irritated.

“Yeah, but you don’t live here, live here,” she stated, going about putting a pot of coffee on.

“I’m going to be here for a few days. I need—”

Deep inside me, there was a faint pop, and a rush of fluid flushed out of my vagina. Gasping, I pulled a full-body twitch. Lili’s eyes dropped to my crotch and widened, taking in the spreading stain through the denim of my shorts.

“Did you just piss yourself?” she whispered.

I was about to tell her off when a cramp so intense seized my abdomen and dropped me to my knees.

“Kenna!” she cried, throwing herself down on the floor and wrapping her arms around me. “Help!”

This is not the way it’s supposed to go! I’m supposed to be alone, in my room, with no one the fucking wiser!

From the direction of Connor’s room came an almighty crash, and the bedroom door exploded open, my brother charging out, snorting and huffing like a bull. “What the fu—”

“Something’s wrong with her!” Lili screeched.

“No…” I tried to tell them it was fine.

“She fucking pissed herself and then dropped to the floor!”

“Shut up, Lili!” I growled through the cramps. “I’m…I didn’t piss myself.”

“Then, what?” she screamed.

Kneeling in front of me, Connor’s eyes met mine, and he knew. “You didn’t tell anyone?” he asked.

I shook my head. “There was something wrong with it. I didn’t want Phil to know.”

Lili sucked in a sharp breath. “You’re pregnant?”

Not anymore, I thought. It hit me so hard that it had to be released by way of a wretched sob.

“How far along?” asked Connor.

“Little less than ten weeks. I don’t need to go to the hospital. They’ll just send me home again. I knew when I woke up this morning. That’s why I came home. Phil—” Another cramp tightened through my belly, and I breathed deeply and evenly to get through it. “I forgot my shot. I forgot it for four fucking weeks, and when I’d found out, I had the gyno at the hospital in Saskatoon check it, and the heart—” Another cramp, and a warm rush of blood flooded my underwear. The first wave of wetness had been amniotic fluid.

“Connor!” Lili barked sharply.

So much blood, a smear of it stained my inner thighs. Without a word, Connor scooped me up and carried me up to my room.

“Put her in the tub!” commanded Lili.

My brother set me on my feet, and with my best friend, they stripped the soiled shorts and underwear off me. Then, Connor helped me to kneel in the tub while Lili turned on the hot shower, letting the stream hit my lower back. Rivulets of brilliant crimson, bright against the white porcelain, swirled and mingled with the water.

Connor wrapped his arms around my chest, tightly hugging me at an awkward angle, his forehead pressed to the spot above my ear. “You’re gonna be okay,” he told me.

“I know,” I replied through the pain.

“We should find Alys,” said Lili.

“No. She doesn’t need to know.”

“You didn’t even tell Alys?” asked Lili.

“I didn’t tell anyone!” I snapped.

“Damn it, Kenna!” Lili cried. “Why do you insist on going through this sort of shit all alone? What’s the point of having us in your life if you won’t let us be there for you? Alys is going to want to help, and she won’t tell Phil!”

I laughed bitterly.

“What?” huffed Lili. “She wouldn’t.”

With hurt, fury, and jealousy, I told them how I’d found Alys and Phil this morning. Feeling petty and sorry for myself and perhaps a bit spiteful, I needed Lili to be outraged with Alys and Phil to feel justified in my reaction.

“You know neither of them meant for that to happen,” said Connor, being my voice of reason.

“I KNOW!” I roared, seized with the hardest cramp yet. My uterus tightened beyond belief, and something huge worked its way down.

“I think I’m going to be sick,” whispered Lili.

“Then, get out!” shouted Connor. “You think she needs to deal with you being a fuckin’ pussy right now?”

Lili smacked him upside the head. “Fuck you!” she snapped before storming out.

“Squeamish little fucker,” he said under his breath. “How the hell did you think you were going to deal with this on your own, Kenna?”

“Phil can’t know, okay? If I told a single person, then the danger of it would get out, and Phil would have been destroyed. More than anything, he wants to have children, has been asking me practically from day one. When I found out that it wasn’t going to make it, I just left it at that. He’d just lost his best friend. To lose X and then have this taken from him, too…” I couldn’t finish, taking a few minutes to breathe through the next round of contractions.

“Why didn’t you just get rid of it when you found out?” he asked gently.

“I couldn’t,” I sobbed. “We made Little Zephyr together. I couldn’t willingly destroy a part of him like that.”

“Okay,” he said softly. “I get it.”

“Don’t tell him, Connor. He’ll never forgive me.”

“There’s nothing for him to forgive.”

Another cramp blazed through me, making me cry out and grunt with it, and Connor tightened his hold on me, trying to absorb some of the pain.

After a few more minutes, I was ready to get up and lie down. More was to come, and I would need the hot water when it did. When Connor shut off the water, Lili marched back in and ordered him to get out.

Armed with an ancient pair of granny panties and black sweatpants, Lili got me dried off and dressed for bed.

“What the hell?” she asked when I told her to grab an after-birth pad from under the sink. “What sort of size is this?”

Somehow, I found that hilarious. “Gigantore.”

“You don’t say…”

The three of us piled into my bed. Lili had already prepared several blunts to pass the time and pain.

Exhausted, hurting in body and soul, I got seriously ripped off the first blunt and fell asleep.

Phil

“Kenna called you to take over for a few days?” I asked, looking down on Gavin’s shiny bald head.

“Yeah, she said she was feeling sick. You…you didn’t know?”

I wasn’t going to answer that.

Enduring two hours of physical-therapy torture with Gavin had me sweating, shaking, and reeking like the inside of a bottle. He finished up with a thirty-minute massage and acupuncture in my ass and groin.

“You know, if you quit drinking—” he started saying.

I waved him down. “It ain’t like it’s permanent, man. Right now, I just need somethin’ to shut my head up.”

“Weed won’t fuck up your healing process,” he told me.

“Yeah,” I replied, not committing to anything.

After he finished with my treatment, Gavin left, and a light knock came from the panel door.

“Yeah?” I called out.

Alys came in. “Phil?”

“What’s up?” I asked before chugging back a bottle of water.

Shit, she looked ready to cry. I didn’t think I could handle much more.

“D-do you remember what happened last night?”

“Um…we watched TV and drank a few bottles of whiskey?”

She nodded. “Do you remember passing out?”

“No. That’s why they call it passin’ out, Muffin.”

She really looked bad, going all pale. “Nothing happened, but I fell asleep on you. You were holding me. Kenna found us like that this morning, and—”

“And what?” I asked weakly. Panic and terror pounded through me. “And what?”

“She’s gone, Phil.” Her voice trembled, and her face quivered. “I tried to stop her. She looked…” She sucked in a deep breath, wringing her hands like she could squeeze the answers from thin air.

“You need to fuckin’ tell me what fuckin’ happened, Alys, or so help me God—”

“She was furious and told me that, last night, you showed me more compassion than you had given her in months…” The woman laid it all out there in great detail. “She said that maybe it would be for the best for her to walk away now instead of letting both of your misery drown her.”

My head was having a hell of a time processing this shit. “Where did she go?”

“I don’t know. She ran out—”

“You didn’t follow her?” I shouted, struggling to get off the stupid fuckin’ bed. “Fuck, Alys! She had to know that nothin’ happened!”

“Phil, what would you have done if you’d found Kenna sleeping in X’s arms? Even if it was an innocent accident…” She looked about ready to lose it.

Fuck, I was about to flat-out fuckin’ lose it. “I would’ve kicked his ass. I would’ve lost my fuckin’ shit.”

“Kenna doesn’t kick asses though. She simply removes herself from the situation. She pulls up her big-girl panties and walks away. She said she needed a break. Honestly, Phil…there’s nothing on this earth she loves more than you. I think…I think we’ve all been taking her for granted. We always lean on her. Always use her strength to help us pull through. She’s never not been there for any of us. Ever.”

My Baby Girl…

“She loved X, too.” Alys sniffled. “And not once have any of us asked her how she’s handling it.” Her face crumpled, and she sobbed into her hands. “She’s never let me down! And how do I repay her? I fucking get wasted and pass out on top of her fiancé!”

“Alys—” I whispered, my heart ceasing to beat.

“She looked so lost and so mad and so…there’s something wrong with her! Can’t you feel it?”

Yeah. Yeah, I could.

Now that I was sober and thinking again, I could feel that shit wasn’t right with my Baby Girl. She was hurting beyond any of us.

“We have to tell her we never meant to—”

“She knows!” Alys wailed. “She knows that nothing happened, Phil! It was just the last straw for her!”

Fuck, my heart stopped again. “What do you mean?”

“I mean…Kenna left. She packed her shit, and she left. From the way we’ve been treating her, I wouldn’t blame her if she never came back.”

Alys was right. Kenna gave and gave and gave of herself. I’d fought her every step of the way, making her life a living hell, not giving a shit about anyone else but myself and my own hurt. Not once had I stopped to consider the fact that she had lost someone else she loved.

I hadn’t stopped and considered her at all.

The silence between Alys and me thickened. The sound of her phone ringing pierced through it, painful to my ears.

She answered it, and I watched her face drain of all color. I heard the distinct viciousness that only Pygmy’s voice could contain but not the words.

“Okay,” whispered Alys. “I’ll be right there.”

As she hung up the phone, I asked her, “Is it Kenna? Did she go to her place?”

Alys shook her head. Even if Kenna had, Alys wouldn’t tell me.

“Alys—”

“I have to go,” she said, cutting me off.

“Just tell me if you see her. Tell her I love her and that I’m sorry—”

“You’ll be able to tell her yourself, Phil. If not today, then soon enough. She’s not able to stay away from you, any more than you’re able to stay away from her. If you need me for anything, just call.”

“All right.”

She left without a backward glance.

My heart felt like lead. Without the life force of Kenna, it could hardly stand to beat. Empty, hollowed out, I was left to sit and think about all that had happened. I wanted this shit to end. I needed it to end. But this black hole of misery just kept getting wider and deeper, sucking me farther down into it.

Jason showed up with a bottle of Blue Label. I was gonna refuse, but somehow, I ended up drinking again. The warmth hit my chest, made me mellow, blotted out the darkness, and took away my thoughts. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to feel. I was so sick of feeling.

“She’ll be back, you know,” Jason said.

“I pushed her away,” I stated. “After everythin’, I pushed her away, man.”

“You just gotta pull her back in then.”

Kenna, my Baby Girl, my other half, my whole reason for existing…she had lost her faith in me, in us, and I only had myself to blame.

It was true. I hadn’t held Kenna in a long time. Once again, I’d been thinking with my dick, and I hadn’t wanted to be tortured with having to abstain. I’d never stopped to consider that she needed my comfort because I had been more concerned with my own.

Shit, when am I gonna learn, man?

I’d made the same mistake when Kenna was caught in the explosion. I’d avoided intimacy with her because I was a brat. I’d told her there was more between us than fuckin’ sex, but I sure hadn’t acted like it. It was as though, if I couldn’t have it on my terms, I took it away from her, too. She’d needed the strength and comfort she had selflessly given me returned to her. Instead, I’d taken hers and left her with nothing.

Another drink.

I could drown this for now.

My guilt, my pain, my loss…selfish, selfish, selfish.

“I’ve never deserved her,” I said.

“None of us deserve our women,” said Jason.

“I’ve never earned her trust, her love. She just gave it to me. I demanded it, and she blindin’ly handed it over. She gave me somethin’ more precious, more pure than I ever, ever deserved…”

“Yeah, but you handed her your trust and love, too.”

“Did you know that she actually waited for my ass? For nearly six years,” I confessed. “While I went around fuckin’ anythin’ and everythin’ that dangled itself in front of me, Kenna waited, lettin’ no man touch her.”

Pain squeezed around my heart, and Her Tattoo itched and prickled.

Oh God, Kenna Baby, what’s happenin’ to you? I can feel you. You’re hurtin’ somethin’ awful…

“Seriously?” asked Jason, refilling my glass.

Nodding, I replied, “Yeah, man. It wasn’t until she was finished with school and gave up all hope that I even remembered her that she finally got laid. That Brian guy—”

“The dreamy paramedic?”

My face twisted into a scowl. “Yeah.”

“She dumped him for your ugly ass?”

“Yep.”

“Huh. Well, it must be love because he’s prettier than most chicks.”

“I know.”

“I bet X would’ve banged his ass.”

“Yeah, probably.”

What would Kenna’s life be like if I hadn’t come back into it? Would she have been happy and in a relationship with a way too good-looking dude, a guy who is just as smart and driven to help others as she is? Would Brian have given her what she needs, where I’ve failed her so miserably?

Another drink.

And another.

And another.

Gavin came in and woke me up, but I was too far gone for that sort of shit. I saw the pity in his eyes, and I rolled over and dismissed his ass.

What does he know about what I’m going through?

I had lost X, but worse, I had driven away my Baby Girl, and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to find her again. My chest itched, feeling hot and shattered.

Jason was back. He was fuckin’ wasted, working on getting more wasted, and I was right there with him. Sheri came in and yelled at us, screaming about what a waste of space we were, that we should be ashamed, that X wouldn’t want us to drink ourselves into the afterlife, chasing his ass.

“Have you seen Kenna?” I asked her. “I can’t find her.”

Sheri burst into tears and stormed off.

Out of whiskey for the moment, I took my numb ass to the fridge for some beer. For the first time, I was glad for the walker. Even without a broken pelvis and leg, I probably wouldn’t have made it. Grabbing a frosty one, I shut the door and looked right into X’s face.

“What are you doin’, man?” he asked me.

“The fuck are you doin’ here?” I wasn’t really surprised, which was weird.

“You’re fuckin’ everythin’ up. I didn’t leave all this behind for you to throw it away.”

“It’s because of you leavin’ that we’re in this fuckin’ mess!” I shouted.

“Phil?”

I looked over at Jason, who was staring at me through glassy bloodshot eyes. “Yeah?”

“Who are you talkin’ to?”

“X.”

I looked back at X, who looked so fuckin’ sad that I wanted to cry.

I was crying.

“When was the last time you heard the music in you?” X asked me.

Trying real hard, the answer I came up with was, “I can’t remember.”

“If you don’t stop this, Phil, you ain’t ever gonna hear it again. Is that what you want?”

“No.”

“Your mama drank to stop the music because she didn’t know what it meant.”

Shocked, I blinked, and X was gone. Dumbfounded, I stared at the bottle in my hands.

Kenna

Someone smoothed fingertips over my brow, softly weeping. “What’s the point of all this? What did she ever do to deserve this?”

“It’s life, Alys. Sometimes, shit just happens and in large amounts.” That was Lili.

Opening my eyes, Alys was staring down into my face.

“Hey, Muffin.”

“Sweet Pea…you should never think you have to go through all of this on your own.”

“That’s what I told her,” snarked Lili.

Sighing, I sat up and pulled Alys into a hug. “I’m sorry I was so mean to you.”

“I’m not. You made me open my eyes. And you were a lot nicer about it than Lili was.”

“I’m sure.”

Alys and Lili closed ranks around me.

We hung out like the old days—smoking pot, watching music videos, and trying to make each other laugh.

On the third day, I was up and moving around, still bleeding like a stuck pig but no longer in pain. Stronger, I was able to face what was ahead of me—a battle for Phil’s sobriety. I hadn’t given up on him. But I couldn’t have gone through the miscarriage and dealt with his shit at the same time. I planned to head over there after a hearty breakfast with Alys and Lili.

Sitting on the back porch with our espressos and French toast, I felt them bolstering me, giving me the confidence I so desperately needed.

“What are we going to do?” asked Lili.

“I’m going over there, getting rid of every drop of booze in the house, and getting that motherfucker sober. It has to end. He’s going to end up like his mother if he doesn’t stop now.”

“We’ll help you,” said Alys. “You aren’t solely responsible for his ass. We’re a family.”

“Good. I could use the help.”

“I’m dropping Lewis off at the airport soon, but I’ll come straight over, okay?”

“No worries.”

Alys and I were cleaning up while Lili and Lewis headed out. We were halfway through the dishes when Sheri came barreling into the kitchen through the back door. The terror on her face filled my heart with dread.

Shaking, crying, and pale, she stammered, “Ph-Phil!”

Dropping the plate in my hands into the sink, I tore through the back door, Alys and Sheri on my heels.

“Connor’s with him!” Sheri shouted behind me. “He sent me to get you!”

My body wasn’t ready for this sort of exertion. With a belly cramp, my legs and lungs burned as I spurred myself on, adrenaline and fear helping me to pick up the pace. Through the side gate, I raced to the Plantation House. The sliding glass door was already open on his half—our half—and I burst into the house, sweating profusely and panting for breath.

“Over here!” cried Connor from behind the kitchen island.

Dashing around it, I found Connor cradling Phil on the floor, holding him up. Phil was covered in vomit, and by the gods, it looked as though he had pissed himself as well. Frozen in shock, I took in the horrific jaundiced pallor of his skin and the greasy sweat coating him. I could smell it—stomach bile, urine, and rancid body odor. His eyes were open, glassy and bloodshot.

“Oh, Phil…” I whispered. Over my shoulder, I told Alys, “Call nine-one-one.” I sounded a lot calmer than I felt. I was terrified.

“Baby Girl?”

Turning my eyes back to the scene at hand, I saw those bleak eyes looking for me. He wasn’t blind, but he was so poisoned by the alcohol that he couldn’t focus. Phil’s eyes were just black pools of endless pain.

After I got to my knees before them, Connor transferred Phil into my arms, and I cradled his wasted body into mine, not giving a shit about the vomit, the piss, or anything but the feel of my other half in my arms.

“Don’…don’ leave me,” he slurred.

“Never, babe. I’ll never leave you. I’m so, so sorry, Phil. I didn’t realize—”

“Mmmy fa-fault,” he said thickly.

Oh, shit.

I’d never been so scared in my life.

He’s so sick! He might have taken it too far this time, and there’s nothing I can do about it!

My heart…he is shattering, splintering into fragments. My mighty Dark God has fallen so low, so hard, that he might never get back up.

The thought suffocated me. It sucked me into a blackness that was neither safe nor warm, and I couldn’t accept it.

“Don’t you leave me either, Phil,” I said. “Don’t you fucking leave me here. I can’t do it.”

“Prrrmise. Live on’y fff you.”

“Ambulance is on its way,” said Alys, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Connor, grab him some clean clothes,” I said.

Within minutes, he returned with a shirt, sweatpants, and clean underwear.

“Babe, we’re going to change you now. Are you able to stand?”

Phil sighed. “Try.”

Connor, Alys, Sheri, and I held him up and stripped his foul clothes off him. His arms were slung over Connor’s and my shoulders as we made sure he didn’t bear any weight on his bad side while Sheri gave him a quick sponging and had him in his underwear and sweatpants in record time.

Phil’s head lolled back, and Connor shoved it forward. With a snort, Phil came to. He leaned, shifting his weight onto his bad side, the side I was on.

It was over in a flash. Whatever pain had shot through him woke him up fully, and he tried to catch himself on any surface. Without meaning to, his arm shot off my shoulders, whipping out and slamming me in my chest, throwing me backward. Despite the fact that Phil had never been so weak in his entire life, he was still stupid strong, and I went sailing through the air. Everything slipped into slow motion, and I even took notice of the delicate breeze caressing me from behind as I felt the sensation of soaring.

My head slammed, cracked into the wall, exploding in white-hot pain.

Shrieking like a banshee, Sheri and her mega boobs came bouncing toward me. Something warm and wet trickled down the back of my neck, and I tried to focus my vision. In slow motion, Phil went down, sliding along Connor’s body. Connor was struggling with Alys to gently lay him on the floor.

“Kenna!” cried Sheri.

My vision grew dim, like layers of black film were being laid over my eyes. The edges grew darker until there was nothing.

This blackness I could handle.

I regained consciousness before we’d even reached the hospital. The back of my head felt like it was on fire. A paramedic swooped down and started shining a light in my eyes, and I followed it.

Phil.

Turning my head to the right, I saw him. His head was turned toward me, his leaking eyes not leaving mine. His vision wasn’t focused, but he knew I was there. An oxygen mask lay over half of his face, and he was already hooked up to an IV.

“I love you,” I told him.

He closed his eyes, tears spilling from beneath his lashes.

The heart monitor beeped with the strong, steady pulse of his heart, and I relaxed. That heartbeat kept me from slipping into unconsciousness again. I held on to that gorgeous sound and didn’t let go.

When we made it to the hospital, two paramedics rushed Phil out while the third one waited outside the ambulance for another one to assist with me. Then, they took me in to see a doctor about my head wound.

It was entirely possible I was suffering from shock and a great deal of blood loss, both from the miscarriage and the near scalping. My head had punched through the plasterboard, and when I’d slid down the wall, the ragged edges had sliced open the back of my head and peeled a bit of my scalp off.

I wasn’t overly concerned. I knew it wasn’t life-threatening.

No, what I got upset about was the fact that a huge chunk of my hair was being hacked off from the back of my head, so the doctor could cleanse the wound and stitch it back together. The fucking chunk was so big that the rest of my hair wouldn’t be able to cover it up. I’d have to go and have it all chopped. Phil loved my hair.

The doctor decided to keep me for observation for some hours in case I had a concussion, and Connor and Alys were allowed into my room after my head was wrapped up in gauze, making me look like a deranged pineapple. The staff had given me some strong painkillers, and I was floating on a somewhat pleasant wave of nausea.

Alys burst into tears when she looked at me. “Oh, Sweet Pea…”

“Yeah, yeah,” I replied. “Is Phil…”

“He’s got alcohol poisoning,” Connor stated, sitting on the edge of my bed. “Bad. He’s on fluids and oxygen as far as I know. He’s not conscious, but he’s breathing on his own. His dad is here, and man, that guy is pissed. But the doctors are confident that Phil is going to pull through with no long-term problems. Once he’s awake, they’re gonna do some scans to see if he fucked up his pelvis and leg again.”

Sighing, I settled back into my pillow.

“We need to talk, Kenna,” Connor said.

Alys averted her eyes.

“Okay,” I said, wondering where this was going.

He took a deep breath. “Phil needs professional help. He needs someone who won’t let their feelings cloud their judgment. You and I both know this. You love him too much, and it weakened your resolve to help him. You let him push you around these last few weeks because you were afraid of hurting his feelings. And when you had enough, when you were hurting, you had to leave him alone, and he fuckin’ lost his shit.”

Deflating under his words, I had to agree with him.

“I’ve spoken with his dad, and I’ve talked with Da. He thinks you fell, by the way, so stick with that story. If he knew Phil pushed you, even accidentally, he’d go ballistic. I told him you tripped over your feet and smacked your head into the wall. It’s what we told the paramedics, too.”

“All right.”

“We’re insisting Phil goes into rehab. It’s not like he’s a hard-core addict, but alcoholism runs in his family, and he needs to take care of all his demons now before we let him back into your life.”

Say what? “Excuse me?”

Connor nodded. “He needs to get a handle on himself, by himself, and if you’re around, he’s going to let your love for him justify his actions—”

“I just told him I’d never leave him!” I cried.

“We’re not asking you to end the relationship. But he needs to get well, in his head, in his body, everything. Louis knows a good rehab center. Phil will be getting better in the lap of luxury with all sorts of therapists and other shit. Jason, Flipper, and I will see him every day. We’ll be able to get him back into music. He needs to heal himself and not rely on you to do it for him.”

“What about me?” I asked in a small voice. “Can’t I go see him, too?”

Connor shook his head. “You won’t be here. You and Alys are going to visit Gran and Gramps in Scotland. You need to get away, clear your head, and heal, too. They already know you guys are coming, and Da’s real happy about it.”

“For how long?”

Connor’s jaw clenched. “Rehab takes ten weeks.”

The air rushed from my lungs, and I felt the room spin. Ten weeks! Ten weeks without seeing Phil?

“You know that this is the right thing, Kenna,” Connor said softly. “For both of you.”

Alys was silently telling me she would support me in whatever capacity. She, too, needed to heal, still reeling from the loss of her husband. If not for me, then I could certainly do this for her.

Most of all, I could do this for Phil.

As I looked into my brother’s handsome face, he saw what was churning inside my head.

Reaching out, he took my hand and squeezed gently. “Don’t take the easy way out by doing this for them. You need to admit that you’re doing this for you.”

My throat closed up, and tears filled my eyes. I nodded. “Okay. But I get to say good-bye.”

Seven hours later, I was discharged, and Connor and Alys led me to Phil’s room.

Fluids and oxygen had Phil’s pallor looking much, much healthier than it had when we first arrived. He was no longer horrifically jaundiced, his liver and kidneys working hard to clean out his system. Bruise-colored shadows lay beneath his eyes, and his face was gaunt and heavy with his beard.

Before I could reach his bedside, Louis came up to me and wrapped me in a warm fatherly embrace. “Oh, Kenna…you poor little girl.”

“I’m okay, Dad. I promise.”

Clasping my upper arms, he took a step back, his eyes searching me over. “No…but you will be. You both will.”

All I wanted was to get close one last time to the man who’d made my dreams a reality. A few steps, and I was tucking a stray tendril of his thick brown hair behind an ear.

Louis steered my brother and Alys outside the room, giving us privacy.

“Hey, babe…” I whispered. “I don’t want to leave you, but I hope you’ll understand why I have to and that you’ll forgive me. When you’re all better, I’ll be back, and I promise, we’ll get married and start that life you’ve always dreamed of. You’ve made me want it, too, more than anything.”

Leaning forward, sniffing back my tears, I pressed a soft kiss to his lips. Somewhere in his brain, he felt the pressure and softly kissed me back.

“I love you,” I whispered.

His lips parted in response.

I had to leave. If he woke up, my resolve would crumble, and I wouldn’t be able to go through with it.

But I had to. His life and our future depended on it.

Phil

“I love you.”

With my whole heart, I wanted to tell my Baby Girl that I loved her, too. But I was stuck in a bizarre bile-colored fog, searching for a way out. Her voice had pulled me forward in the direction I needed to go. All roads led to Kenna, and Kenna was where I’d always be headed.

There were times when I was too fuckin’ tired, in so much pain, but if I stopped to rest, I could lose my way, so I kept at it, moving through the fog.

The first thing I was aware of was her scent. Clean, pure Kenna.

Fuck, I hurt.

That was the second thing I was aware of. My God, I had never hurt all over like this before. It was worse than having the fuckin’ flu. I was thirsty as all hell. My head felt ready to crack open, and the pain shooting through my eyeballs when I opened them made them water.