Текст книги "Tainted"

Автор книги: K. A. Robinson

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Текущая страница: 5 (всего у книги 11 страниц)

6

Over the next few days, I learned exactly what hell felt like. Now that I was conscious, my body demanded that I find my next fix. It took every ounce of willpower I possessed to hold myself back from running out of the hospital to go to my hotel room where my stash was waiting for me. It was quite possibly the cruelest punishment I had ever known.

My body was going nuts, trying to deal with the fact that it was no longer getting its needed daily dose of cocaine. Even though the nurses had tried to prepare me, I was knocked on my ass by the muscle spasms, nausea, vomiting, and all the other things that came with withdrawal. I felt like I had the flu, but this particular flu had decided to take steroids and beef up a bit.

Over the next couple days, the physical symptoms were still horrible, but the mental side of things became almost unbearable. I was at war with myself. Part of me was fighting this with everything it had, but the other part was on its knees, begging and pleading with me to cave. All of the feelings—the guilt, the anger, the pain—that I’d suppressed with the cocaine were coming to the surface. I couldn’t help but be depressed. Without the cocaine to make me feel like everything was going to be okay, I realized just how fucked-up my life was.

I lashed out at everyone around me—the band, the nurses, and even my doctor. I hated all of them for pushing me to stop, and I made sure that they knew it. I expected the band to get sick of me and leave, but instead, they stayed by my side constantly. At times, I appreciated it, but most of the time, I just wanted them to go away. It was hard to wallow in self-pity when I had three assholes always trying to cheer me up.

On my last day in the hospital, my symptoms were finally starting to fade. The relief I felt could not be described with words. Even though the depression seemed to stick with me, I started to feel like my old self more and more. I was convinced that I could stay away from the drugs without checking into rehab, but when I mentioned it to the others, they refused to believe me.

After several arguments, I finally gave in and agreed to check right into a rehab program.

* * *

As I walked up the steps to the facility that would be my home for the next few months, I felt hopelessness begin to take over. I didn’t want to be in this prison. The building itself was beautiful, but looks were often deceiving. It appeared to be too cheery and bright to be a place where so many people suffered every day.

My friends and I walked in and approached the reception desk in the lobby.

A young woman looked up and smiled. “Hi, can I help you?”

Jade gave me a small shove, forcing me to the front of our group.

I turned and glared at her before I faced the receptionist again. “I’m Drake Allen. I’m supposed to check in today.”

“Of course!” She picked up a clipboard and handed it to me. “Please fill out these forms for me, and then we can get the ball rolling. Just bring them back to me when you’re finished.”

I walked over to several empty chairs. I sat down and started filling out the forms, and the band followed and took seats around me. The beginning was mostly standard information—name, address, phone number—but the following pages focused on questions that I wasn’t ready to answer. My addiction was my problem, and I didn’t want to spill my guts to strangers. I answered the majority of the questions and then returned the clipboard to the receptionist.

“Have a seat, and I will let one of the nurses know you’re here,” she said as she took the clipboard from me.

I walked back to my seat, sat down, and started tapping my foot. I didn’t want to sit. I wanted to walk out of this fucking place and never look back. But I couldn’t. If I did, the band would drop me, and we would lose our one chance at making it big in the recording world. Plus, I wanted Chloe back. I needed to be sure that I could stay clean before I made any attempts to win her over.

I looked up when the door beside the reception desk opened. A pretty young nurse stepped out and looked around. As soon as she saw our group, she started walking in our direction. I forced myself to sit still, instead of running for the exit like I wanted to. I had to do this.

She stopped in front of me and looked at Eric, Adam, and me. “Drake Allen?”

Adam pointed at me. “That would be him. Take him away.”

I turned to glare at Adam. I didn’t need a babysitter, and I sure as hell could tell the nurse my name.

“Follow me, please,” she said, looking at me.

“Can they come with me?” I asked as I stood from my seat. Even if it made me weak to admit it, I wasn’t sure I could do this on my own.

She gave me a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry, but they can’t. They can come back on Sunday. That’s our visitation day.”

I froze. There was no way I could do this if they weren’t around me. My friends and Chloe were the only reasons I was doing this, and without them, it was hopeless.

Jade stepped in front of me and gripped my face with both of her hands. “Look at me. It will be fine. You can do this without us hanging around all the time. You’re such a strong person, Drake.”

“I don’t know if I can,” I whispered so that only she could hear.

“Well, I do. We will be here every Sunday to hang out, so just focus on that when it gets hard. We love you.”

I pulled her into a hug. “I love you, too. You might as well be my sister.”

She pulled away and smiled at me. “As far as I’m concerned, I am your sister. Now, go kick ass.”

I kissed her on the forehead before following the nurse through a door and down a hallway to an exam room. She checked my vitals and recorded everything before having me step on the scale.

She frowned when she wrote the number in my chart. “Are you sure about the weight you put down in the questionnaire?”

“I guess. It’s been a couple of months since I weighed myself.” Checking the scale wasn’t exactly one of my top priorities. I wasn’t some chick who freaked out about her weight.

“Based on your weight noted here and what the scale says, you’ve lost almost twenty pounds.”

I shrugged. “We’ve been on the road a lot. Eating wasn’t exactly my top concern.”

She pursed her lips and said nothing more.

I rolled my eyes, annoyed with her. So what if I’d lost weight? It wasn’t like it mattered. I wasn’t in here for an eating disorder. I’d snorted cocaine. Focus here, woman.

“Follow me, please.” She opened the door and walked back into the hallway.

I followed silently behind her as we made our way down the hall. She stopped in front of a door with the name Dr. Peters written on it. She knocked softly before swinging the door open and stepping back to let me pass by. I walked in and looked around. The office was nice. There wasn’t much in the decorations department, and the room was crammed full of filing cabinets. A large wooden desk sat in the center with a few chairs surrounding it.

A man, Dr. Peters I assumed, was sitting behind the desk. He looked up and smiled as we entered. He was older, probably in his late fifties, with a large bald spot and several lines etched onto his face.

“Hi, Lisa. What can I help you with?” he asked.

“This is Drake Allen, our newest patient.” The nurse walked to his desk and handed him my file.

“Thank you, Lisa.” Still in his seat, he leaned forward toward me and extended his hand. “Hi, Drake. I’m Dr. Peters. It’s good to meet you.”

I was surprised by his strong Southern accent. I didn’t think it was common out here in California.

I stepped forward and shook his hand. This guy was my ticket to getting out of here, so I figured it would be a good idea to get on his good side. “Likewise.”

He glanced up at the nurse. “I can take it from here, Lisa. Thank you for checking him in.”

“Of course. If you need anything else, just call the front desk,” Lisa said before walking out the door.

“All right, Drake. If you don’t mind waiting for a few minutes, I’d like to go over your file really quick.”

“Sure.” I sat down across from him.

I waited patiently as he flipped through the pages in the file.

After a few minutes, he put my file on the desk and looked up at me. “Well, now that I’ve read who you are on paper, why don’t you tell me in your own words what’s been going on with you?”

I raised an eyebrow. “Uh, sorry? I’m not sure what you’re asking.”

“I can sit here and read your file all day, but when it comes right down to it, I don’t give a shit what’s in this file. I want to hear from you about where you’re at in your life.”

“Did you just say shit?” I asked, shocked.

“I did. Don’t act so surprised. I’m sure you’ve heard worse.”

“But…you’re a doctor. Isn’t there some kind of code that says you have to be an uptight asshole?”

He laughed. “I think I’m going to like you, Drake. And no, there’s no code against my vocabulary. You might as well get used to it.”

I had to admit that I liked this guy. I wasn’t sure if this was his way of getting into my head or what, but it was working. I had expected to work with some doctor who had a stick shoved up his ass.

“So, tell me what’s been happening. I know you’re here to get treatment for your cocaine addiction, and that’s a hard thing to do.”

“What do you want to know?” I asked.

“Everything. Why did you start? Why do you want to stop? What is your favorite food?”

I laughed. “Pop Tarts on that last one. The rest isn’t so simple.”

“I’ve got time.”

I sighed as I ran my hands through my hair. I sucked at this sharing stuff. He seemed like a cool guy, but I didn’t want to sit around a campfire with him, singing “Kumbaya” and talking about my feelings.

“I don’t know why I started. I guess I used it to escape something that happened.”

“And what was that something?”

“I thought my girlfriend was cheating on me. It turned out that I had been wrong, but I couldn’t seem to stop after that. Then, other things happened, and I started using more. I thought I had it under control but apparently not. Now, I’m here, so you can fix me.”

“I can’t fix you, Drake. Only you can do that, but I am here to help you. I want you to start from the beginning and tell me everything that has happened since you thought your girlfriend was cheating on you.”

I opened my mouth and did what he’d asked. I started with the pictures Kadi had given me and went from there. I discussed everything that had happened with Logan, Jordan, and Chloe’s mother’s death. When I got to the part about Chloe leaving me, I had to stop for a moment. It hurt too much to think about what I’d lost.

When I finished, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I always kept everything trapped inside, and it felt nice to put all my cards on the table for someone else to deal with.

“It sounds like you’ve been through a lot over the last few months. I saw in your file that you were enrolled in a program similar to this when you were younger. Knowing that you’ve abused drugs before, I can understand why it was so simple for you to fall back into them. Those who have used drugs often consider them a safe haven.”

“Yeah, that’s a good way to put it—a safe haven. It felt like no one could touch me when I used them.”

“Exactly. Obviously, you know better now, or you wouldn’t be sitting in my office. The physician who treated you at the hospital had your file sent over earlier today, and I skimmed through it. I have to say that you’re very lucky to be alive. The amount of cocaine in your system was excessively high. When mixed with alcohol, it makes what I like to call, the undertaker’s cocktail. Before we move any further, I need you to give me an honest answer to a difficult question. Did you do that to yourself on purpose?”

I’d been staring at the carpet, but my head snapped up at his words. “You think I tried to kill myself?”

“If you did, there’s no need to feel ashamed. You haven’t had the best of luck these past few months. Combining that with cocaine could lead to suicidal thoughts.”

I held up my hand. “Let’s just stop right there. I would not kill myself, no matter how bad things got. Am I depressed? Sure. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to go off myself.”

“That’s good to hear. Don’t take offense to my questions. I’m simply trying to get to know you better.”

“None taken.”

He nodded. “Good. So, anyway, back on the matter at hand. While in the hospital, you agreed to go into this program. Why?”

“I didn’t have any other options. If I didn’t do this, then the band and the label said they would drop me. I was forced to be here.”

“No one can force you to do anything, Drake. You need to make the decision on your own, or nothing I do will benefit you. I can sit here and preach to you all day, but until you realize that you need help, nothing I say will matter.”

“I don’t need help. I’ve been clean for over a week. I told them that I could do this on my own, but they refused to listen.”

“Being clean and staying clean are two totally different things. While you might feel like you can handle your addiction now, what will you do when things get tough? Cocaine was your coping mechanism, and you will feel the need to use it again. What I’m here for is to help you come to terms with your addiction and to help you learn to deal with things in a healthier way.”

I nodded, unsure of what to say. I understood where he was coming from, but I didn’t think that I would relapse. The hell that I had just gone through in the hospital was enough to scare me away from it for a long time.

But what if he was right? What if I contacted Chloe, and she didn’t want anything to do with me even if I was clean? I didn’t know if I could handle that. Life was always so fucking hard, and I’d refused to deal with it. I always found a way to make me forget—drugs, women, and finally Chloe. I didn’t accept anything. I evaded.

“I think we’ve chatted enough for one day. I will have one of the nurses take you to your room, so you can get settled in. I want to meet with you tomorrow to start our sessions. Does that sound good to you?” Dr. Peters asked as he smiled at me.

“Do I have a choice?” I asked, sarcasm filling my voice.

He smiled. “You always have a choice, Drake.”

* * *

After a nurse took me to my room, I spent the rest of the evening unpacking the bag Jade had left for me at the front desk. It had pissed me off that I hadn’t been allowed to bring it to my room myself, but of course, the nurses had to search it before I could have it back. The band had known that I had hidden cocaine in my hotel room previously, and they had refused to let me pack my belongings by myself just in case I had more hidden, so they’d done it for me. I’d felt highly annoyed with them, but I’d let it go. It had been one of those pick-your-battles kind of moments.

The nurse had taken my cell phone with her when she left, much to my annoyance. According to her, it was a policy to take all cell phones from patients when they entered the program. She said something about not letting the outside world affect me while I was in the process of getting better. It might be policy, but that didn’t mean I was happy about it.

I hated that I felt truly here, but I was more concerned about the fact that I couldn’t contact Chloe. Even though I hadn’t contacted her in months, I still had her number in my cell. There had been so many times when I’d picked it up to call her, only to throw the phone. Now, it felt like any connection I had with her, no matter how small, was gone. I wished that she were here. I always felt like a loose cannon when she wasn’t around. There was just something about her that always calmed me.

The nurse had given me a sheet of paper that listed all the center’s rules. I quickly read through it. Most of them were simple—no drugs, no fighting, and other things like that. The only positive part of the entire day was that I was allowed to smoke, and I headed outside to do just that. If they’d also taken smoking away from me, I wasn’t sure I would last in here. I couldn’t give up all my nasty habits at once.

Everything around here was on a schedule. Along with specific times for meals and recreational activities, I had a specific time that I would meet with Dr. Peters each day. I was surprised that I wasn’t given a bathroom schedule, too. Due to my connection with the label, Brad exerted a lot of pressure, and I was excused from group therapy sessions. The label didn’t want it getting out to the press and our fans that I was in here. It would be bad for business.

I headed back inside and returned to my room. After settling in for the night, I tossed and turned for over an hour before I finally passed out.

7

“It’s good to see you again, Drake. Please close the door behind you and have a seat,” Dr. Peters said.

I stepped inside his office and did as he’d said. I sat down in the chair across from him.

“I hope your first night here was pleasant.”

“It was fine. Thank you.” In all honesty, I had expected to hear people screaming throughout the night, like I had seen in movies, but the place had been completely silent. Maybe they really didn’t torture people to death in here.

“Glad to hear it. Now, let’s get down to business.”

Or maybe they did torture us.

“Sure. Why not?”

He smiled at me. “I promise you that this will be a lot easier if you cooperate with me. Instead of thinking of this as a punishment, consider it a surprise vacation. Maybe that will help you to accept it better.”

“Bring on the drinks and the beach,” I grumbled.

I was extra cranky this morning, and unfortunately for Dr. Peters, he was getting the shit end of the deal. I didn’t want to be here, and I had no intentions of spilling my guts like I had yesterday.

“That’s the spirit!” He laughed. Apparently, he wasn’t familiar with sarcasm. “Yesterday, we skimmed over the last few months. Today, I want to go back a bit further. We mentioned a prior drug issue, and I’d like to go over it.”

Great. I would be spending the day talking about my dead parents and my stupidity during my high school years. Just throw me off the damn building, and put me out of my misery.

“Yippee.”

“I know this is hard for you, Drake, but you need to open up to me, so we can figure out why you keep turning to drugs. Can you tell me why you started using them when you were younger?” Dr. Peters asked.

“I was just a kid and bored most of the time. My friends did them, so I did, too. I’m just a good example of peer pressure.”

“I guess so. Can you tell me about your home life back then? Did you fight with your parents a lot?”

“Nope. My parents died when I was ten, so I lived with my uncle.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Drake. I didn’t see that in your file. I know it’s hard to deal with losing a parent, especially both. What happened to them?”

“Some asshole was drunk and hit them.”

“I see. I’m sure it was a terrible time for both you and your uncle.”

“It was for me. I’m not sure how he felt. He was in the military, so he worked a lot. We never really talked about their deaths. He took me in, but he left me alone to do my own thing.”

“How long has it been since you’ve spoken with your uncle?”

I shrugged. “It’s been a while. I think it was a few months before Chloe and I got together. He’s currently deployed again.”

“So, it’s safe to say that you’re not close with your uncle?”

“I guess. I mean, I like him and all, but we never really clicked. I owe him a lot though. He took me in when I had no one else, and he forced me into rehab last time.”

“It sounds like he cares a lot about you, but he just doesn’t show it that often. Did that ever bother you?”

“Not really. He could never replace my parents, and I never expected him to. I’ve been on my own for most of my life, and I like it that way.”

Dr. Peters nodded. “I see.”

We sat in silence, both of us staring at each other. I wasn’t sure if he was waiting for me to continue telling him about my childhood or what. If he was, he was out of luck. I thought I was going to explode from the silence in the room.

Then, he finally spoke. “Tell me about your drug habits as a teenager.”

“Why does it matter? It was a long time ago.” I was suddenly annoyed with him.

“I’m just trying to get a better feel for you, Drake. While the past is the past, it often affects our decisions later on in life.”

I started to roll my eyes, but I caught myself at the last minute. “There isn’t much to tell. I was left at home, unsupervised a lot, and I started smoking weed with my friends. When we were old enough to go to the cool parties, I began using any drugs that were available to me. I mainly took pills, but I used acid and cocaine from time to time.”

“And how did you handle rehab when your uncle forced you into going?” he asked as he wrote something in my chart.

“Like any sixteen-year-old would. I was pissed, and I fought it for a while. When I finally managed to straighten up, they released me.”

“So, you’ve always been stubborn?” He grinned at me.

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“It’s not a bad thing to be stubborn, you know. It just means you know what you want out of life.”

“I guess so. I never really thought about it like that. When people tell me I’m stubborn, it’s usually intended as an insult.”

“That was not how I intended for it to be interpreted. Anyway, how did you handle things after you were released from rehab?”

“I was okay. I met up with Jade and the guys right after, and we started our band, Breaking the Hunger. I used it as a distraction when things sucked in my life. Plus, I was sixteen and in a band. Do you have any idea how many girls there were to distract me? I mean, come on, it’s every sixteen-year-old boy’s fantasy to have older girls throwing themselves at you!”

He laughed. “I’m sure it was quite entertaining for you and I’m also sure you had several girlfriends during that time.”

“No way. There was no way I was going to tie myself to one girl when I could have them all.”

Wow, I sounded like a complete douche canoe, but it was true. I’d spent the last few years with more women than I could count. It wasn’t my fault they were all sluts and threw themselves at me.

He raised an eyebrow at my statement. “Exactly how often were you with different women, Drake?”

“Once the band started getting popular, I was usually with a different one every night.”

“That’s quite a lot. Did it ever bother you that you slept with so many different women?”

“Not really. I guess I used them instead of drugs. If I was pissed off or down, I’d just take one of them back to my uncle’s house. The band lied and told the bars that I was eighteen, so we could play in them. I don’t think any of the women realized just how young I was. They might have felt bad if they did, but I doubt it. Women like that are only after one thing, and I was glad to help them.”

Yeah, I was definitely getting the asshole-of-the-year award after this conversation. Sure, after I got with Chloe, I’d regretted sleeping with so many women, but I’d never thought about how screwed-up I was to do it.

“Wow, I’m an asshole, aren’t I?” I asked.

“I don’t think you’re an asshole per se. I think you just used those women to deal with things. How long did this go on for?”

“Until a few months before Chloe and I got together. After I realized how I felt about her, I still slept with various women for a while. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t seem to stop. Then, I was watching Chloe in class one day, and I realized I could do a hell of a lot better. She saw the good in me even though I couldn’t see it in myself. I love her so much.”

“And she left you when she discovered your habit?” he asked.

“Yeah, she said she couldn’t be around someone like me again. Her mother was always high, and she had abused Chloe throughout her entire life. I guess she was afraid that I’d do the same thing.”

“And would you?”

“Of course not! I love her! I would never hit her!”

“There are different kinds of abuse, Drake. It’s not just physical. There are mental aspects as well.”

“I admit that I got angry a lot, but I don’t think I abused her in any way. She left before things turned bad.”

“You said that you still love her. Do you think there is hope for the two of you?”

That was the million-dollar question. I was hoping that she would take me back, but there were no guarantees. She might have moved on by now anyway.

“I don’t know. I hope so though. I fucked up the only relationship I ever cared about. I feel like I can’t breathe without her around.”

“I’m simply making an observation here, but I think that you are the type of person who requires a coping mechanism at all times. First, you used drugs, then women, then Chloe, and finally, you went back to drugs. Why do you think that is?”

“The drugs and women served as a distraction, but Chloe was different. She made me feel things I didn’t think I could ever feel. She made me feel like I was alive for the first time in my life.”

“I think we’ve figured out where things went wrong with you. You never deal with any of your problems. You simply push them to the side and use drugs and sex to distract yourself. If we can teach you how to face things head-on, I think you will be able to go through life without the fear of a relapse.”

I grinned. “You’ve already figured me out, doc…and with only two sessions. I’m impressed. If you keep it up, I’ll be out of here by next week.”

He laughed. “I wouldn’t go that far. We have a lot of work to do, but I have faith in you. You can beat this.” He glanced down at his watch. “I think that’s enough for one day. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I stood up before he even finished speaking. “Works for me.”

“I want you to think about what we discussed today. Remember, you are in control of how long this process takes. The sooner you can come to terms with everything, the faster you will be out of here.”

* * *

During the rest of the week, our sessions were much like the first one. We would always go over everything from the session before, and then we’d move on to new topics. I had to admit that Dr. Peters seemed to know what he was doing. Every time I walked into his office, my need to hold back faded. As much as I hated to admit it, talking to him helped me, and I was learning a lot about myself.

I wouldn’t deal with my problems. Instead, I’d run away. At the first sign of trouble, I’d run to the nearest distraction, and I’d hide until the storm passed. This last time though, I’d used cocaine when I felt the storm coming back. Without it in my system, I was forced to deal with my actions over the last few months. There were things that I regretted so much—especially my jealously with Chloe and Jordan’s friendship and my anger toward her. She didn’t deserve the way I had treated her.

My first visitation was on Sunday. Jade, Eric, and Adam came, just like they had said they would. It felt strange at first. We weren’t sure what to say to each other. But after a few minutes of forced conversation, I finally opened my mouth and apologized for being such a dick for so long. After that, some of the tension eased, and it seemed like old times, like we were back in West Virginia, talking and joking in my kitchen or at the bar. When it was time to go, Jade hugged me tightly. “I’m so proud of you. I can already see such a big change in you already.”

Over the next few weeks, I learned to deal with my demons. Dr. Peters started at the very beginning with the deaths of my parents. I realized that I’d never really accepted their deaths even though I thought that I had long ago. During that session, I broke down and cried for the first time in years. I missed them so damn much. How was it fair that they had been taken from me when I was only fucking ten years old? What had I ever done to deserve that?

When I asked Dr. Peters that, he frowned. “No one ever deserves something like that. This world is a hard place to live in, and you were forced to learn that at an early age. No one blames you for feeling angry or betrayed. Anyone in your position would feel the same way.”

“Will I ever really be able to move on?”

“You will, but it’ll take time. You’ve spent so much of your life running from it that you never truly took the time to mourn them. You accepted their deaths the first time you were sent to a rehabilitation program, but you never dealt with it.”

Well, I was definitely mourning them now. It felt like my heart was being ripped out as I let myself finally feel the pain of their deaths. I let the pain overtake me until I was paralyzed with it. I wanted to escape from it, but I didn’t. Dr. Peters was right. I always ran, and right now, I was tired of running. It was time to face my demons and start over.

After learning to deal with my parents’ deaths, I was almost glad when we moved on to Chloe. I was learning to look at things differently, and compared to my parents, talking about Chloe was easy. While I knew that I’d lost her, I still had hope that I could have her back in my life again. Dr. Peters explained that while it was important to depend on my significant other, it was unhealthy to feel like I couldn’t live without her. I loved Chloe, but I also needed her in an unhealthy way.

He worked with me to help separate the two sides of my relationship with her, love and need, and in doing so, I realized that he was right. I’d depended on her in a way that I shouldn’t have. My feelings for her never changed, but I realized that I’d put her on a pedestal as my saving angel when I didn’t need to.

Through all of this, I felt myself growing stronger, both mentally and physically. Now that I was actually eating at least three times a day, I was gaining back all of the weight that I’d lost from using cocaine. I spent most of my recreational time outside, and my pale skin was starting to bronze. Between the weight gain and free tanning, I was starting to look human again. When I first entered the program, I’d thought that I looked fine. The first night that I came here, the nurse had snapped a picture for my identification card. When I looked at it weeks later, I was shocked. I’d looked horrible. My skin had been pasty, my eyes had appeared dead, and I’d looked almost skeletal compared to how I looked now. It was amazing how much I’d changed since I came here. I felt like a new person.