Текст книги "That Wedding"
Автор книги: Jillian Dodd
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Текущая страница: 8 (всего у книги 25 страниц)
I really wanna know where this man did his training. Is he even qualified to do couple's counseling? Does anyone even know? He's comparing marriage to a disease!
Who does that?
He really doesn't make marriage sound all that fun. I'm just saying.
Pastor continues. "It's really not about the shoes, in this instance, or about the money. It's about control. Who wears the proverbial pants in the family. Think about that, and we'll discuss it more next time. Our time is up. See you in a few weeks."
We get in the car, and I say, "Marriage counseling is bullshit. He hasn't taught us anything. Sure, he told us we did it wrong, but he didn't say how to fix it. Talking about it didn't fix it."
"Well, it's something to think about, and there's some validity to what he's saying. There's a gal at work who's going through a divorce, and I heard her talking in the lunchroom about her husband. She was bringing up stuff from the past eight years. I'm thinking she didn't talk to him about their problems, or he didn't listen. Whichever, they didn't fix them at the time, and she's held it against him for a long time."
"Phillip, eight years from now, we're going to laugh about the shoe fight. I laugh about the shoe fight now. It was funny."
"Yeah, it was. Plus, you're sexy."
"Really? Like do you really think I'm sexy, Phillip?"
"Yeah, wanna go home now, and I'll shoe you?"
"Shoe me?"
"I mean show you. I just said shoe because shoe, the shoes, you know."
"It wasn't that funny," I say, but then I start laughing again. "Okay, it was really funny. I'd like to take you home, but Neil and Joey just texted me. They're at the bar and want you to come out and play. They said they'll counsel you."
"That'd be a joke. Do you wanna go?"
"Yeah, for a bit. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need to go to the bar after every couple's counseling session. Plus, it's Taco Tuesday. Margaritas are half-price and tequila shots are only a buck."
We went to the bar, had some tacos, and a couple tequila shots. For obvious reasons, Phillip is usually the designated driver, so I maybe had one more shot than he did, and when we got home, I was ready for some fun.
I was stripping my clothes off in the bedroom when Phillip walks in. He grins at my nakedness and says, "Just so we're clear, I'm the man. I wear the pants in the family." He points down to his pants. "See?"
I tilt my head, grin, and walk my naked ass slowly over toward him. I grab the front of his jeans and unbutton them. "Not if I can take them off you."
So apparently, Lori and Danny got in a fight about a picture of Danny that's in the newspaper today. In the photo, he has two cheerleaders kissing each side of his face.
And I guess Danny was like, "It's in my contract that I have to do some publicity things."
And Lori was like, "Danny, I read your contract, and I can say with one hundred percent complete positivedness..."
To which Danny chuckled and was like, "You've been hanging around Jay too much, that sounds like one of her words."
And Lori continued. "...it is not in your contract that you have to pose with cheerleaders kissing you."
Danny got pissed and was like, "I'm not going to sit here and have you attack my moral character. I'm a good and faithful husband. I'll be a great father. What the hell's happened to you? What happened to my confident, never-the-jealous-type wife?"
He stormed out of their house.
Lori sat there, watched the door close, and whispered to herself, "She got pregnant."
So while this was going on, Phillip and I are watching a movie. Meaning, he's lying on top of me, has my arms pinned above my head, is peppering my neck with ticklish kisses, and unbuttoning my shirt.
My phone rings, Dum, dum, da dum, dum, dum, da dum. Yes, the Wedding March is my ring tone. Phillip keeps changing it just to irritate the hell out of me.
Then, Dun, dun, dun, duh. The Jaw's theme song. Okay, so I might be messing with his ringtones a little myself.
He grabs both of our phones off the coffee table. "Danny," he says, looking at my caller id and handing me my phone. Then he looks at his and says, "Lori."
Danny tells me about the cheerleader incident.
"Danny, she's pregnant. She's got crazy hormones. I mean what did you have to do besides have a night of fun?"
"Well actually, it was a day of fun."
"Okay, too much information. Now she has to deal with all of it. She feels like she's getting fat. Her emotions are everywhere. She's sick half the time. She's cut out caffeine, which would be enough to send me over the edge, and I just think you need to be a little more sensitive. I think your job as the soon-to-be father is to pamper her. To be there for her emotionally."
I hear him groan, so I say, "Danny, do you love her?"
"Yeah."
"You want her to keep loving you?"
"Yeah."
"Then play nice!!! She's like your baby's offensive line. She's keeping it safe! Protecting it. Make her feel like you think she's doing something amazing for you because she is! That's YOUR baby in there, Danny. Taking care of her equals taking care of your baby."
"Yeah, I know you're right."
"As usual," I tease.
"Shut up."
"So, no simple, smooth, and easy?"
"Uh, no."
"Do something romantic, Danny. Remind her that she's still your girl. Not just your fat, pregnant, and stuck with you wife."
"You can't even tell she's pregnant, how could she be fat? Besides, she looks so hot. I know she's complaining that she feels fat, but I LOVE her body right now. It's a little fuller, and her boobs keep getting bigger. It's awesome. She looks sexy, if you ask me."
"Well, you should definitely tell her that because she's gained four whole pounds, and that's devastating to her. She says it'll be fine to gain weight, and she wants a healthy baby, but right now, she thinks she looks fat, not pregnant."
"My offensive line says I should buy her jewelry."
"Jewelry is always nice, but I don't think that's what she needs. She needs a small sweet gesture. Something to remind her that she's still your girl. You can get her something spectacular when she has the baby."
"Yeah, you're right. We haven't gone out on a date in a while. But it's mostly because she's been either sick or really tired."
"Danny, how do you and Lori solve conflict?"
He laughs like a little boy who just got caught saying a dirty word then says, "Sex. Always."
"Pastor John says if you do that your marriage will fail. That if you don't deal with the conflict, your marriage will fester and get infected."
"Whatever," Danny says. "I'll let you go. I'm gonna make some dinner reservations, tell her I'm sorry, and make it up to her."
"With sex?"
"Absolutely."
Ha! What the hell does Pastor John know anyway?
I text Lori since she's still on the phone with Phillip.
Me: Haven't seen the pic yet, gonna find it on the internet.
Lori <3 :( What pisses me off the most is he was clearly enjoying himself. He has the biggest fucking smile I have ever seen.
Me: Wait.....he has a big smile?
Lori <3 Yeah, why?
Me: As in this kind of smile :D and not this :)
Lori <3 Uh, yes.
Me: I don't even need to look at the picture. If Danny does this :D, it means he's uncomfortable. It's his fake smile. You have nothing to worry about.
Lori <3 You're sure about this?
Me: Positive :)
Lori <3 Why do I not know this?
Me: You do now :) Have a good dinner.
I'm sitting in Phillip's office waiting for him to finish up a conference call, so we can go to dinner and work on our guest list.
I get on a wedding website where I had started a wedding checklist awhile ago. So far, all I had crossed off was Get Engaged.
I love checklists. Sometimes when I make a checklist, I put stuff on it that I've already done, just so I can feel productive and cross it off.
So here we go!
The way things have fallen into place has left me feeling slightly high.
I know there are a lot of details, but now that I have a direction and someone to organize and help plan my wedding, I'm excited about this next phase of planning.
I look through some photos of real couple's weddings. This is so fun! I'm in the best mood!!
My life is perfect!
I get a text from Phillip's mom, and I'm actually excited to hear from her! I can handle anything right now!
Mrs. Mac: You REALLY need to do something about your STDs and fast!
I read her message twice and ponder this. Um?
What is she talking about?
I don't have an STD.
No, wait. She must have mistyped a word, and her phone autocorrected it to STD. I wonder what she meant.
I wait for a minute.
For her to notice the misspell and send me a little * and the word stand or stained, or whatever the hell else has a S, T, and a D in it.
I wait calmly, but nothing comes. I read it again, noticing it says your STDs, like plural. Is she insinuating that both Phillip and I have STDs?
My phone vibrates again, and I'm relieved. She must've noticed the typo.
Mrs. Mac: ???? This is important!
Oh, shit!!
EXCUSE ME!!!??
Does Phillip have an STD?!????!!!!
That he did NOT tell me about?
Do I have an STD??
Could Phillip have given me an STD?!!!!???
WTF!?!?!
And if he did, why the HELL is his MOTHER telling me about it??!!!!!
I'm freaking out here! So I text Lori.
Me: OMG! I think Phillip might have an STD!
Lori <3 OMG!? Really? How?
Me: I DON'T KNOW!!!!! I'm freaking out @!!!!!!!@#^$*&!!
Lori <3 Danny says Phillip has always been meticulous in his condom usage. You shouldn't have anything to worry about.
Me: True. Okay, that makes me feel better.
I relax for a second. She's right. I'm being ridiculous.
My phone vibrates again with another message from Lori.
Lori <3 Do YOU have an STD?
Me: NO! I mean I don't think so, but Phillip and I haven't been using anything, so if he does then I probably do too!!!!
Lori <3 Didn't you go to the GYN this summer for a check up?
Me: Yeah, so?
Lori <3 They usually run tests for that, don't they?
Me: I don't know. Do they? I would think they'd only do that if you asked them to. Plus, when he asks if I always use a condom, I always say yes.
Lori <3 Jade! You shouldn't lie to your doctor!
Me: I don't want to get yelled at! I KNOW you're supposed to.
Lori <3 Well, I think they check for that sort of thing. So you're probably clean....or were then anyway.
Me: Yeah....
Which means she's implying that I was then, but I might not be now.
And I can't help it.
I'm not a hypochondriac or anything, but all of a sudden, I'm feeling slightly itchy down there.
Like maybe I have one and didn't know it, but now the symptoms are manifesting. I'm also feeling a little feverish. I put my hand across the back of my neck. It feels warm.
Maybe I should get online to see what symptoms come from STDs.
Lori <3 So who all have you been with in the last few months?
Me: Uh, Phillip.
Lori <3 and.....
Me: Um, the guitar player.
Lori <3 AND....!!!!
Me: I don't know what you're talking about!
I tell her this, even though, well, I'm not very proud of this, but there was this sorta drunkish night before Phillip and I got together. I saw this really cute guy, Jason, who I dated junior year in college, at the bar. We started talking and dancing, and, well, drinking, and one thing led to another. And we did it before when we were dating, so it's not like he was just some random stranger. I mean, we already had. So when we did it again, it didn't really count. Like he didn't add to my total or anything. It was kinda like a free throw. It counts for points, but if you miss, it doesn't count against you. When you do it with a guy you've already done it with in the past, it doesn't count against you. It's a freebie.
Lori <3 Look, I'm not trying to throw you under the STD bus or anything, but I know that there was a night you maybe got drunkish and probably weren't as safe as you should've been.
Me: Uh...
Lori <3 As in the night I KNOW you did it with Richie Rich even though you lied and said you didn't!
Richie Rich's real name is Jason O'Connor. That was the nickname Phillip gave him because his family was wealthy, and he was one of those guys that wanted everyone to know it. He was also quite handsome and adorable most of the time. He was a guy I actually really liked. We'd been dating casually for about three months when I took him to my winter formal. He got drunk and started a big fight. I made Phillip ditch his date to come rescue me. The next day, Jason sent me two dozen roses as an apology, and Phillip told me I shouldn't take him back. One of the only times I've ever followed his advice on boys.
Me: Shit, maybe I do have one.
Lori <3 Do you have symptoms? Have you noticed anything rashy on Phillip?
Me: Not on Phillip, no. And I would've definitely noticed.
Lori <3 What about you, do you have symptoms?
Me: I didn't, but I'm starting to feel feverish and kinda itchy everywhere.
Lori <3 So you think you might've gotten one from Phillip? Or someone else?
Me: Well if I got one, common sense tells me it would be from someone besides Phillip. Because if it was from Jason, I probably wouldn't have noticed it at like the time.
Lori <3 I really worry about you sometimes, but I'd have to agree.
Me: But what if Phillip has some secret life that I don't know about? What if he's addicted to hookers? What if he has another girlfriend somewhere that I don't know about?! You see that on TV all the time! And their families never have a clue. Am I clueless!????
Lori <3 OMG Jade. Chill.
Me: I'm trying to!! So I could have one, but it has to be Phillip who has one because there's no way Phillip's mom could possibly know I have an STD when I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW MYSELF!!
Lori <3 Phillip's mom?! Wait. What? WTF are you talking about?
Me: She just texted me and told me I needed to do something about our STDs. That's why I'm FREAKING OUT HERE!!!
Lori <3 OMG!!! That seems like an awfully sensitive issue to text someone about! OMG! Maybe Phillip does have something, and he confided in his mom. Maybe she knows it was from you. Maybe it's like been dormant. They can do that, can't they?
Me: I don't know!!!
Lori <3 I think you better talk to Phillip quick!!
Me: I'm scared.
I was gonna call Phillip, but I'm still a chicken shit sometimes, so I figure if his mother can be a chicken and text me about it, then it's perfectly reasonable for me to text Phillip about it as well.
Just as I'm about to send Phillip a scathing message, I get another text from his mom. She's very impatient.
Mrs. Mac: Hello???
I don't know what to say.
So I do what anyone would do.
I stall.
Okay, I lie.
Me: In a meeting. Will get back to you asap :)
Now I'm pissed! I mean, my gosh, she just sprang this on me and in five minutes I'm supposed to know what to do?? I haven't even talked to Phillip yet. But I'm gonna now!
Me: It would've been nice to hear about your STD from YOU instead of YOUR MOTHER!!!
Phillipbaby<3 WTF are you talking about??
Me: She just texted me and told me we need to do something about them.
Phillipbaby<3 You're joking, right?
Me: I wish I was :(
Phillipbaby<3 I'm in the middle of a conference call. I'm sorry, but I have to say it again. WTF ????!
Me: So does that mean you're mad at her for telling me because you wanted to tell me yourself? I think you owe me that because now I probably have one too.
Phillipbaby<3 I DO NOT have an STD!
Me: I mean, I'm a little freaked out by how you got one, and who you got it from, but we can just take medicine or something, right?
Phillipbaby<3 JADYN!! Listen to what I'm saying! I DO NOT HAVE A STD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Well, your mother thinks you do.
Phillipbaby<3 I have to go. I'm on a conference call. Will talk to you about this in a few.
I don't respond because I can tell he's irritated by all this. It's not my fault his mom told me. Why is he getting all bent out of shape? Maybe it's because he wanted to tell me in person, but wait. No. He said, I don't have one. I mean if his mom let the proverbial cat out of the bag, wouldn't he 'fess up if he did?
I'm starting to feel a little less itchy already.
So even though it's still in the back of my mind, I try to get back to work. I just got an email from the realtor in Kansas City, so I'm scrolling through photos of buildings that are possibilities for temporary offices. I see a few that look promising and am composing a nice email to her to let her know which ones I want to see.
Vibrate.
Phillipbaby<3 To my textually challenged and wedding-on-the-brain mom, STD = SAVE THE DATE!
Me: O M G!!!!! Thank you, GOD!!!
I call Lori. She puts Danny on speaker, so I can break the bad news about our unfortunate STDs to them together.
"So," I say, "STD does not mean Sexually Transmitted Disease."
"It doesn't?" they both say.
"Nope. Not to Phillip's mom. It's wedding speak for Save The Date."
"OMG!! That's hilarious!" Lori says with a giggle.
"I know, right? I accused Phillip of having an STD while he was in the middle of a conference call. I was freaking out and feeling itchy and feverish and everything!"
"You're such a freak," Danny says.
Lori says, "A lucky freak is more like it. Hey, I have to run. Love you!"
Danny stays on. "So......how come you never told me you slept with Richie Rich this summer?"
"Maybe I didn't think it was any of your business?"
"Or you didn't want Phillip to find out?"
"Both. Duh! So shut up!"
"Bye, love you," he says.
We're driving to the Mac's, and Phillip is giving me a lot of shit about our STD meeting with his parents.
"We're trespassing on dangerous territory," he tells me.
I'm not finding the whole thing all that funny, personally, so I tell him very politely to, "Shut up."
He grabs my hand and kisses it. Like that will help.
"Phillip, if I would've texted you and told you I was worried about an STD, you totally would've thought the same thing."
"Well from you, sure, but my MOTHER??!!!" He starts laughing hysterically. He's been doing that a lot lately. He thinks this is quite funny. He calms down a little when I flip him off.
"I'm sorry. I know it caused you some stress, but it's really quite funny."
"Maybe, but I was freaking out. You just don't need to go telling people about it, okay?"
All of a sudden, Phillip looked very interested in the road.
My phone buzzes. I have a text from Logan, one of our groomsmen.
Loggie: What's the difference between love and herpes?
Herpes last forever.
"Phillip, here's a happy sentiment from Logan about our upcoming nuptials."
"That's cool. What'd he say?"
I read Phillip the text. "DID YOU TELL EVERYONE?"
"Uh, hey, we're here," he says as he pulls in the driveway.
Needless to say, I get all sorts of subtle, and not so subtle, shit about the STD because, by now, Phillip has told the whole fucking world about it.
At least with the XXX wedding, I only get funny texts from Danny.
I walk in the door, and Mr. Mac greets me with a slap on the back. "Hey, JJ, do you know how Burger King gave Dairy Queen an STD?" He laughs then says the punchline. "He forgot to wrap his whopper....hahaha get it?"
Laugh, laugh, laugh.
Everybody laugh.
Phillip, who I think is going to stick up for me, says seriously, "Dad, you really shouldn't joke about STDs."
See, isn't he sweet?
But then he adds naughtily, "You can't dick around with stuff like that."
And now, they're both practically rolling on the floor laughing. Holding their sides, trying to breathe, laughing.
I'm going to kill myself now.
We all sit down at the kitchen table. Wedding guest lists in hand.
My phone buzzes.
And buzzes.
Our friends are all soooo witty and clever.
And right now, I'm flipping them all off in my mind. Mrs. Mac, the very person that started this whole debacle, and the very person who should be most embarrassed by this, keeps grabbing my phone and reading the texts out loud. Then they all hoot with laughter.
Katiebear: How does herpes leave the hospital?
On crotches.......bahahaha!!!
Joeylovesyou: I wanted to get on your wedding website, but I heard it was INFECTED!!!!!
Hahaha!
Nickaloser: What's the most fatal sexually transmitted disease for a bird?
Cherpes, because there is no TWEETMENT!!!
Jay, I just have to say that your blondness is adorable.
Blakeness: Hey, congrats. We heard they're naming an STD in your honor.
I say boldly, "If you're through with all your fun, maybe we can actually work on the guest list?"
So Phillip, Mr. Organized, somehow merges all of our lists into one spreadsheet. We have four hundred and fifty people on our merged list. Phillip says, "Obviously, we need to make some cuts."
I say seriously, "We really need to think carefully about this list. I mean we don't wanna give STDs to just anyone, do we?"
And then I smile.
Mr. Mac says, "Awww, JJ, you made a little STD joke." And then he says, "Let me see this list." He scans through it. "Julie, if we haven't gotten a Christmas card from them in the last five years, you need to take them off the list." He rambles off about twenty-five names of people I've never heard of.
Mrs. Mac is starting to pout.
Phillip says, "Think of it this way, Mom, don't invite anyone you wouldn't want to spend the weekend with. You'll be shopping on the Plaza, eating dinner with them, looking at lights with them, dancing and drinking with them. Go through your list and mark who you really want there with you."
I look at Phillip's list. A long ass list of frat and football boys whose idea of a perfect night would include beer pong, beer bongs, keg stands, weed, and probably a few strippers. On a mellow night. Let's just say these boys like to party. "You might wanna do the same thing."
"Hmm, you might be right about that," he says.
After we went through that, BOOM, the list is done. I guess we can say the STD crisis is over.
