Текст книги "That Wedding"

Автор книги: Jillian Dodd

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 20 (всего у книги 25 страниц)

Phillip and I have barely talked today. Last night, we met Katie and Neil for dinner. Katie just filed for a divorce. I really felt like canceling dinner and hiding in the shower all night. I didn't want to face Phillip, but I told myself that she needed me. Needed my support going through this horrible ordeal even though she seems really happy about it. She said now that she's done it, she feels like this huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders. That she was just afraid to admit defeat. Afraid to tell her parents it wasn't working.

I wondered if that's how I'd feel if I called off our wedding.

Her and Eric are supposed to have an amiable divorce. And of course, Neil is super excited. He totally loves her.

When we got home, I stayed in the bathroom until I was sure Phillip had fallen asleep.

Today at work, we've both pretended to be very busy.

I'm afraid to say anything to him. I'm afraid he's going to ask me questions.

And I don't know the answers to any of them.

On the drive to counseling, he doesn't really say anything to me. He seems to have given up.

I'm still mad he laughed at me. I'm still mad he didn't seem to care that he hurt my feelings, but what's worse is that it feels like more.

It feels like our relationship is breaking down.

Have you ever had your car run out of gas? You know that sputtering it does, right before it dies?

That's what this feels like.

We sit down in the stupid chairs. If pastor was any kind of decent counselor at all, he'd be able to tell just from our body language that things are not good.

Phillip is leaning away from me. My arms are crossed tightly in front of me. I don't even really want to look at Phillip.

What I'd like to do is puke in the trash can, but I'm trying to hold it in.

Pastor starts our session with, "Today, we want to discuss intimacy."

"You mean sex?" I say. Even though I hate him, I have to admit, some of his topics have been timely.

"Not just sex. We talked about that last time. I'm talking about being close, giving him a massage, whispering in her ear, showing your love in other ways, staying close, talking. As we discussed last week, you'll go through a honeymoon period, and then things will level out. It's important that couples agree on timing and frequency. If one person in the couple wants physical intimacy, and they don't get it, it can cause hurt feelings, feelings of inadequacy. You might think they don't love you as much as they used to."

"We had our first argument about sex yesterday," Phillip says.

"No, we didn't." I say. "That's bullshit. We didn't argue about sex. I told you no and shut the door. We haven't argued at all. We really haven't talked."

Phillip turns to me, crosses his arms in front of his chest, and glares at me for disagreeing with him. "Well, you didn't want to do, um, that thing with me that you usually like to do."

This pisses me off. Why can't Phillip keep his big mouth shut? We're not supposed to be discussing specifics, only sex in general terms, so we can use the information down the road someday.

But if he wants to talk about it now, so be it.

"You're right, Phillip. I didn't want to have sex with you in the shower after you sprayed beer on my head laughing at me. It really wasn't a turn on." I maybe say it a bit bitterly.

Phillip's eyes get huge.

He glances at the pastor, who takes it all in stride. "Why were you laughing at her, Phillip?"

Phillip visibly cringes. "I think we can figure this out at home."

"No, I think we should talk about it now. You brought it up."

Phillip narrows his eyes at me. "Well, if we're gonna do that, I guess we'll have to start with what went on at Keggers."

I narrow my eyes at him. "Nothing went on at Keggers, Phillip. I went out with some friends. We talked in counseling about doing things on our own. About not spending all our time together. I needed to get away, Phillip. Wedding planning, building planning, a new house. Those are all very stressful things."

He replies in a pissy voice. "Like I'm not stressed too?"

"I'm sure you are, Phillip, but Keggers had nothing to do with you not getting sex in the shower. You didn't get sex because you made me feel stupid. You laughed at me. That's not very effective foreplay."

"You don't even get it," Phillip says with a big sigh. He shakes his head and looks at Pastor John. Then he says with a wave of his hand, "Why don't you just tell us whatever else you have. I don't think this situation requires any further discussion."

Pastor John nods at him.

I roll my eyes at Phillip. Right now, I kinda hate him. I wonder if now would be a good time to bring up the burning bush?

I decide not to. Worse case, I burst into flames on my wedding day. And if I do, I'll probably be dead, so I won't have to die of embarrassment.

Win-win situation.

Pastor goes on about intimacy, caring about each other, doing little things to make each other happy. I'm not sure really, I kinda tuned him out.

My body may not be literally burning, but my mind is still on fire with questions.

As we're ready to leave, Pastor hands us each a questionnaire to fill out and bring back next time. He looks at the two of us, both pissed and not even wanting to look at each other. "Well, if there is a next time. Maybe you need to rethink this whole wedding thing."

He might be right, but he had no right to say it out loud.

Do voodoo dolls work?

Does anyone know? And do you know where I can get one?

Actually, maybe I'll take two. One for Pastor, and one for Phillip.

Right now, I hate them both.

I'm still pissed when we get back home. I take a couple Advil for the headache that has been pounding in my head, plop down on the couch, and cover myself with a blanket.

Phillip sits down next to me. Phillip has a voice that reminds me of my dad. Especially when he's mad. It's that same authoritative tone. "We're going to talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about, Phillip," I sass back.

"I disagree. We're pissed off at each other. We have to be able to talk about this stuff if we're going to make it."

If we're going to make it? IF!!?? Does Phillip think we might not make it? He's the one who's always so sure about us making it!

How am I possibly going to get through this if Phillip doubts it?

He continues. "So you were mad I laughed at you, and that's why you didn't wanna shower with me?"

I nod. "Yes."

"Do you think I should be mad at you about Keggers?"

"After Keggers, you said we had the best sex of your life. Why should you be mad?"

He moves closer to me and gets in my face. "I'm talking about what went on at the bar. Not what happened after we came home."

"Well, if you had a problem with me, we should've talked about it then. You shouldn't have attacked me. Sex doesn't solve conflicts, remember?"

"I attacked you?" He laughs. "You stripped your clothes off the minute we walked through the door."

"What? You can't resist me?"

He doesn't answer my question, probably because it's obvious that he can't. Instead, he says, "I was texting you. Asked if you wanted to go home with Bradley. You said you didn't think so, but that you'd think about it. You never replied. Again. Why do you think I drove all the way down there?"

"I thought you came to party with us."

"No, I didn't want you to go home with him. I was afraid you would."

"So you don't trust me? How are we supposed to get married if you don't trust me?"

Sputter, sputter. The car dies.

I try to start it again. Nothing. I'm pretty sure it's out of gas, and I'm stranded on a dark road in the middle of nowhere.

"Did you have fun at Keggers?" he asks me.

"Kinda. I think I just needed to blow off a little steam."

"So this isn't about the burning bush?"

I sigh madly. "Stop reading my mind." I turn my head away from him.

He grabs the back of my head, specifically the base of my ponytail and forces me to look at him.

Phillip's being a just a little rough, and it's extremely panty melting. That boy just turns me on. Even when I hate him.

I can't even help it.

Plus, it's been nearly forty-eight hours since we last had sex.

I must be in withdrawals.

He's still talking. "I swear, you will not burst into flames at our wedding. Think of how everything fell into place. We're meant to be together. You know we are. I love you, Princess."

He's so freaking sweet. I gaze deep into his brown eyes for a second then press my lips hard into his. He responds by letting go of my ponytail and pulling me hard into his hips. I don't bother with his shirt, but go straight for his belt.

He responds with equal intensity. He kisses me roughly, pushes up my dress, and pulls me on top of him.

I wake up happy and in a good mood. I'm ready to walk out the door when Danny calls me. I answer. "Hey, what's up?"

"What's going on with you?"

"Not much. I'm on my way to get a massage. Phillip wants me to relax."

"No, I mean the other night. What went on at the bar?"

"Did Phillip tell you about that?"

"No, Nick did."

Shit. If Nick told him, he knows everything. "Uh, just went down to the museum. Met up with Nick. Had a few drinks. The usual. Why?"

"Jay, I swear, I don't know how Phillip puts up with you."

"I didn't do anything, Danny. I really didn't."

"Oh, really? Let's bring out the highlight film. You said here, here to hookups. You flirted with Bradley. You stopped texting Phillip after he asked if you wanted to sleep with the bartender. You drank way too many shots. You were grinding on Nick. You dressed up as a waitress...."

I interrupt him. "I was working. A girl called in sick, I was helping out."

Danny ignores me. "You were flirting with the customers. You let some guy put a tip down your shirt. You went in the back room with Bradley for over four minutes. You let Phillip drink a Sex on the Stairs shot. You were feeding Bradley pizza. Am I forgetting anything?"

"Well, jeeze, when you say it like that, it sounds bad."

"It is bad, Jay."

"I didn't do anything wrong, Danny."

Danny gives me a huffy sigh.

"Okay, fine. Maybe I drank too much, but I wasn't that drunk. Like I didn't get sick or anything."

"Oh yeah, I heard about the special vodka too."

"Bradley's a good guy."

"Jay, you just got with Phillip. Don't screw it up already. If Lori did something like that, I would've dragged her ass out of the bar."

"You wouldn't have dragged her ass anywhere. She would've stomped her little foot down, put her hand on her hip, and told you to chill the fuck out or go home by yourself. She did that once, remember?"

"Shut up. Yes, I remember, but it was a completely different situation."

"Do you remember when you were in a similar situation? That night after you scored four touchdowns? When she got to the bar, and you were surrounded by girls? You were dancing and doing shots. She whispered in your ear that if you ever wanted to see her again, you'd leave now. You ran out of the bar with your tail between your legs. You were whipped."

"No, I was in love."

"What would I have done if Phillip told me to leave?"

"Jay, you're supposed to be whipped. That's my point. Why do you seem so hell bent on screwing it up?"

"You didn't have to plan a wedding, Danny. You just showed up. You dated her for over a year. I'm just a little stressed. I just needed to have a little fun. Phillip's not mad at me, so stop worrying about it. It's none of your business. And here I was just thinking how nice it's been lately. Since we aren't living together anymore, we hardly ever fight. Just stop trying to tell me what to do. I hate it!"

"All I'm saying is you keep doing shit like that, you're not gonna have to wait for the boom. You're gonna trigger it yourself."

He hangs up on me.

I hate Danny sometimes, and I especially hate him when I know he's right.

We had our typical Sunday night dinner at the Mac's. Phillip's parents talked excitedly about the wedding. Mrs. Mac kept saying, Only SIX more days!

When she said it, I kept picturing myself walking the plank instead of down the aisle.

It's all fine though. It's normal. I just have a little case of cold feet.

I look at Phillip sleeping.

And I know for sure. He's the one I want forever.

I put my head on his shoulder and fall asleep.

I'm in my wedding dress standing outside the ceremony waiting to walk down the aisle. My dad walks up to me. He's wearing a black tuxedo. He looks so handsome, and I'm so happy he's here. He tells me I look beautiful, that I'll always be his Angel, and then he holds his elbow out.

I hear the wedding march start to play. My mom is standing by the door.

She nods at us. It's time.

My dad turns and looks at me. His eyes are suddenly panicked. He pulls me off to the side, through a small door. When the door shuts, the room disappears, and we're in the clouds.

"Are we in heaven?" I ask.

He doesn't answer me, but I know it's heaven because dad looks younger than the last time I saw him.

"Angel," he says, "are you sure you want to do this? You know, you don't have to go through with it."

"Are you saying I shouldn't go through with it?"

"I think you're rushing things. You're going way too fast."

Next thing I know, I'm in the tree in our backyard. Phillip is in the tree with me. We're hiding from my dad because he's really mad at me. He just found out that I lied when I told him I didn't break the neighbor's window with a baseball. I'm still wearing my wedding dress, but I'm only eight years old. I know I'm in big trouble for lying, and I'm scared he's going to spank me. Phillip is sitting on the same limb with me. He's holding my hand and telling me it will be okay. That we can stay out here all night, that he's not scared of the dark even though he knows I am.

Dad comes marching over to the tree. There's nowhere for us to hide, so I try not to move a muscle. Dad pulls me out of the tree, and I'm forced to let go of Phillip's hand. Dad says madly, "If you can't make good decisions, then you're not playing with Phillip anymore."

I start bawling.

Phillip wakes me up. "Are you okay? It sounded like you were crying."

"I was. Do you remember when we were little, and I lied to my dad about us breaking the neighbor's window? Remember hiding in the tree?"

"I do remember. He was pissed."

"He told me I couldn't play with you anymore."

"We never listened, did we?"

"No, we didn't."

Phillip falls back to sleep.

I lay here thinking. Did my dad just try and tell me not to marry Phillip?

First, God, now my dad?

I'm seriously ready to walk the plank, just to make these horrible dreams stop.

Phillip's already gone to work. I'm being snoopy and trying to find any clue I can as to where we're going on our honeymoon. He won't tell me anything, other than to bring bikinis. He's been teasing me, telling me that we're going to the North Pole. That it's a new honeymoon hot spot. I search through his underwear drawer. That's where he used to hide stuff when he was little. I find a folded up piece of paper and think, ohhh, maybe this is something!

I unfold it and find Phillip's counseling questionnaire. His neat handwriting is under each typed out question.

I go grab my questionnaire to compare our answers. I'm pretty sure this is like our final exam.

The final exam that we have to pass.

I set his paper next to mine and read his answers. Please let them be exactly like mine.

What do you want out of your married life?

Me: To live happily ever after.

Phillip: A great long relationship with the love of my life. To be happy and healthy, have a family.

Aww. Isn't that cute? We're perfectly adorable and well matched. I'm so glad I decided to peek. What's next?

How are you different?

Me: We're very different in pretty much every way. Phillip is controlled. I am wild. Phillip is methodical. I'm schizophrenic. Phillip is neat. I'm kinda messy. Phillip is an early bird. I'm not.

Phillip: We have different ways of thinking. I'm an introverted thinker. She speaks before she thinks.

Uh, I mean, yes, I know I do that, but the way he wrote it kinda sounds like a slam. I don't think I like that answer. I fight the temptation to cross it out.

Where will you live? How did you decide to live there?

Me: We just bought an amazing house in Kansas City, and we decided to live there because Phillip needed to move there for his job.

Phillip: We decided together that we would move to Kansas City, and we bought an amazing house. She's really excited about it.

Yes, SHE is. But shouldn't Phillip be saying, we're very excited about it?

Isn't he excited about it?

Have you discussed how many children you want, and when?

Me: Not really. I do want kids, but I don't want them for at least 3-5 years. And we'll have like 1, maybe 2 kids.

Phillip: We want them right away. And like 3, 4, maybe 5 kids.

WTF????!!!!!! Five kids!! RIGHT AWAY!?!?!?! Is he nuts????? We NEVER discussed that!

What do you do when you spend quality time together?

Me: We have sex. Oh, no, I can't write that. Cross that out. We jog together, watch football, hangout, stuff like that. I really do like hanging out with Phillip. We have fun together.

Phillip: We do everything together. We work out together, love sports, going out, hanging out with friends. She has always been my best friend.

What will you do if you have a disagreement?

Me: Honestly, I will probably pout until I get my way. And if that doesn't work, I will be mad and ignore him until he caves. It's worked well in the past.

Phillip: We'll openly discuss it. We really don't have many disagreements though. She does get mad at me sometimes, but I can usually talk her out of it.

He can talk me out of being mad? He's never talked me out of being mad! Who does he think he's marrying?

Do you ever hide from your true feelings? Do you ever use the silent treatment, lie, blame each other, or stop talking to each other?

Me: Yes, to pretty much all of the above.

Phillip: No, I'm very open with my feelings, at least Jadyn always knows what I'm feeling. And she tells me everything.

Oh, boy. We're in big trouble.

What went wrong with your longest relationship?

Me: He decided to marry someone else.

Phillip: She was jealous of my relationship with Jadyn.

Describe your courtship.

Me: We spent a week hanging out, got engaged on our first real date, and have been living together and dating, I guess, since. Actually, we've only had a few real dates. So maybe we didn't have a courtship? Or we had the longest courtship known to man.

Phillip: Basically, we've been best friends forever and have been in love with each other for a very long time. We just were afraid to make the jump from friends to a relationship. When we finally did, there seemed like no reason to wait. Our courtship has been amazing.

I swear, he's delirious. We didn't really have a courtship. No late night make out sessions in front of my house, no should I let him come in, no wondering if he's going to call again, no how far should I let him go without him thinking I'm a slut.

How did I miss out on our amazing courtship?

How will you make major decisions together?

Me: Talk about it, I would imagine. Kinda like we did about moving to KC.

Phillip: Talk about it together. Over wine.

In other words, get Jadyn tipsy, and she'll agree to just about any crazy idea.

Shit.

Is it easy for you to talk about your feelings?

Me: I used to tell Phillip everything. Now, I can't. I'm afraid he wouldn't like me anymore if he knew what I was thinking.

Phillip: We talk about everything.

Uh, wrong.

I can't read anymore. I wad the questionnaires into a ball and throw them in my bag. It's clear. We've failed couple's counseling.

I go to work and am surprisingly productive. I just finished up the rest of my preliminary drawings and am feeling really good about them. Going to the museum, letting off a little steam, must've been just what I needed.

I check my emails and see one from Amy. She wants to know what our first dance song will be.

Shit! Phillip and I don't have a song!!!

Apparently, when you don't have a courtship, you also don't have a song.

Sure, there are lots of songs that remind me of him. The song we all danced to like maniacs at his house whenever it came on the radio. The song that was playing in the car the night of my parents' accident. The song we danced to when he was my mercy date for winter formal. Songs from summers by Danny's pool. But they're not songs you'd want to play as your first dance. I don't think anyone wants to see us dropping what our mamas gave us or having us get low, low, low. Pretty much all the songs we love are more like dance and party type songs.

Then I remember that movie, The Wedding Planner, and how the wedding planner could tell by the song a couple picks, how long their marriage is going to last. How crucial the first dance song is to the success of a marriage.

I picture the dream. My dad telling me that we're moving too fast. I think he might be right. Phillip and I are moving very fast.

We're talking warp speed.

If we were on a Starfleet spacecraft, we'd have gone into hyperspace by now.

We got engaged on our first date.

We bought a house.

We've only dated for four months.

AND, we don't have a song.

I don't need a wedding planner or a pastor to tell me.

We're doomed.

And I don't wanna be doomed with Phillip.

I need Phillip, like I seriously need him, but maybe we need to slow down.

Maybe we should postpone the wedding.

No, calm down. It's just cold feet. Every bride feels this way. It said so on the website. It's normal to feel this way.

You love him.

It doesn't matter that your wedding guests almost got eaten by crocodiles. It doesn't matter that God turned you into a burning bush. It doesn't matter that you answered all the pastor's questions wrong. It doesn't matter that you solve conflicts with sex. It doesn't matter that you don't have a song.

You love Phillip. That's all that matters.

Everything will be fine.

It's a freaking song. It's not a barometer of your relationship.

I'll text Phillip, and we'll figure out a song. No big deal.

Me:  Just realized we don't have a song. Like a first wedding dance appropriate song.

I'm just getting on the phone when Phillip sneaks up behind me and kisses my neck.

"Phillip, you're distracting me. I'm working hard here."

He chuckles. "You just sent me a text about wedding songs. I have a feeling your mind isn't completely on your work."

"Actually, it is. I'm ready to show you my designs. They're still rough, but they're all very different directions. I need to set up a meeting with your dad, but I thought maybe you could look at them, tell me what you think. Like if you think he'll like them, or if you have suggestions, or whatever."

"Sure, I'd love to see them."

I move off my chair and spread my big sketchbook out in front of him. Phillip flips through the pages. He goes back and flips through them again. He has an odd look on his face. I'm pretty sure he doesn't like any of them.

He finally says in an extremely shocked voice, "Damn, Princess, these are, like,......really good."

I know he said good. He may have even said really good, but what I keep seeing is that shocked look on his face. Why is Phillip shocked? He hired me, wanted me to do this, and now he's shocked?

WTF????!!!!!

He shouldn't be shocked. If he hired me because he thought I could do it, he would expect them to be good.

And then it hits me. Why he really hired me.

"OH MY GOSH, PHILLIP! I was a pity hire?!! You didn't think I was talented, you just hired me so I would move to Kansas City with you????!!!"

I can't tell you how pissed I am.

No, scratch that. I'm not pissed.

I'm really hurt.

I feel like I just got the wind knocked out of me.

"What? No, I just....."

"Why are you acting shocked that they're good then? If you hired me for real, you'd expect them to be good."

"I did expect them to be good, but..."

No way. I saw the look on his face. I saw his shocked expression. I know exactly what he was thinking.

"Never mind, Phillip. I don't wanna hear it. Here, take these." I shove the plans into his hands while I fight back tears. "You can use them if you want when you hire someone else."

"Hire someone else, why would we do that?"

"Because I'll be damned if I'll be your pity hire. Some stupid family member you carry along in the business because you don't think they can make it on their own. Well, fuck that. I quit."

I grab my purse, march out the office, and to my car.

I put the key in the ignition and realize I should probably call Phillip's dad. Regardless of why they hired me, yelling, Fuck that, I quit, is not very professional.

"JJ," he answers. "How's it going?"

"Um, not great. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the opportunity, but I'm afraid I have to quit. Well, I just quit."

"You quit? Why?"

"No offense, but I want to work someplace where people believe I'm talented and creative, not because I'm marrying the boss's son."

"Are you in your office? I'd like to talk to you about this in person."

"I'm in my car. I told Phillip I quit and was getting ready to leave, but I thought I should tell you first."

"I'm not letting you quit until we talk in person. Come to my office and bring what you've worked on so far."

"I don't want Phillip in the meeting."

"Fine," he says and hangs up.

Shit.

Okay, so I'll go back in there, take him my drawings, and officially quit.

My phone buzzes.

It's Phillip.

The only reason I answer is because I'm on my way back in there. "Hey," I say coldly.

"Hey," he says back.

"What did you want?"

"What do I want?"

"Yeah, why did you call me?"

"Because you just QUIT on me?!!"

"Yes, Phillip, I quit, and I'm on my way back to your office to get my drawings, so I can give them to your dad. Then you can all move on and hire someone who has talent."

"Jadyn, you have talent."

"I know that I do, but you don't!" I say as I walk in the office, grab my papers out of his hands, and leave.

He follows me down the hall.

"You need to stop and listen to me."

"No, thanks. I've heard enough." I try not to, but when I look at Phillip, I get tears in my eyes because, honestly, what Phillip did hurt.

I was willing to overlook all the warning signs. I was willing to believe it was just cold feet, that it didn't mean anything, but this, I can't overlook. I totally anticipated, foresaw, and predicted the BOOM, but I didn't really expect it to happen so soon.

Or in this way.

I walk into his dad's office and shut the door in Phillip's face.

Of course, he's stubborn, opens the door, and walks in like he owns the freaking place.

"Phillip," his dad says, "I would like to speak with JJ privately."

"Daddd," Phillip says with pleading in his voice, kinda like he used to when he was younger and wanted to do something that his dad didn't think was a good idea.

"I'll come talk to you when JJ and I are through," he replies in the tone dads get when you better not argue.

Phillip looks at me. He looks mad at me.

My eyes are kinda full of tears. I swallow, put on my game face, and turn to face Mr. Mac.

Mr. Mac says to me gently, "So why do you want to quit? Did you and Phillip have a fight?"

"No, sir. I quit because I was hired under false pretenses."

"How so?"

"Well, I believe I was only hired because of Phillip, not because of my skills, my talent."

"And why would you think that?"

"Because I just showed Phillip a few of the ideas, and he was surprised they were good."

"And it upset you that he thought they were good?"

"No, I'm upset that he was surprised they're good. If you would have hired someone else, you would've looked at their portfolio, known what they were capable of, and would've been upset if their work wasn't good. I don't want a job like this. I know I haven't been working all that long, but at the job I left, at least I felt valued. I can't work like this."

And quite honestly, I'm pretty sure it's a deal breaker for the whole relationship.

But I don't say that. A few tears leak out of the corner of my eyes, but I quickly brush them away.

He gets a resigned look on his face and gets up. "Well, I disagree with you. You're right, Phillip is one of the reasons we hired you, but not the only reason."

He grabs a bunch of rolled up plans that were standing in the corner next to his credenza, takes them to his conference table, and unrolls them. "Come look at these. I've built this business from the ground floor up. It's been my dream to have a facility that's exactly how I want it."

I flip through them quickly and see that none of these plans look like Mr. Mac. I don't know if that makes sense because how could a building look like a person? But I suppose it's kinda like when you walk into someone's house, how they have it decorated, the colors that they've chosen, look like them.

Mr. Mac is sort of a style contradiction. He loves rich classic things. A bottle of good wine. A nice cigar. You could picture him sitting in an old library, surrounded by rich dark colors and lots of leather bound books. But at the same time, he's still young (I mean, for an old guy) and kinda hip. His clothes are expensive, but they always have a flair to them. He drives a luxury brand, but the model is a sleek black sports car.

I look at the drawings other people have done and can see why he hasn't built any of these buildings. They just aren't him.

"It looks like you spent a lot of money on plans. Why haven't you used any of these?"

"Why do you think?"

"Because they all suck," I say a little too bluntly.

"Exactly. That's one thing I love about you, JJ. You're just like your dad was. You always cut to the chase and tell us exactly what you're thinking. So why do you think they all suck?"

"Well, I probably shouldn't have said that. It's not really that they suck, they just, they don't look like you, like something you would like."

"And that's exactly why I haven't. I don't like any of them. It's frustrating to me because I have a vision of how I want it to be, but I can't explain it, evidently, because none of these are it."

"I can see that, like this one is way too modern for you. And this one they went the totally opposite direction and made it like too boring and stuffy."

"So can I see some of your ideas?"

I want to show him my favorite idea. The building I drew is modern, but it has architectural elements that are classic. The building that feels like my wedding dress. Timeless. I want to show him the pictures I sketched of the inside. The rich cherry wood walls that have insets of stainless steel that give it a sleek modern edge. The interior colors that are dark and rich, like a mens' club. The entry lounge with its oversized contemporary wingback chairs covered in a charcoal pinstripe velvet. The artwork that's modern with bright, rich colors. I had no idea if he would like it, but at the time, it felt right.