Текст книги "Bad Romance"

Автор книги: Jen McLaughlin

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Текущая страница: 12 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

“I know.” He took the letters out of my hand, set them down reverently on the table, and cupped my cheeks. “And that’s what makes this whole thing even worse. I can’t possibly want another woman when I have you—but I don’t even have you. He does. He always will.”

I shook my head, blinking away tears. “No. He’s never had me, and you know it. It’s only you. It’s only ever been you.”

And in that moment, I knew if he asked me, right here and now, to run away with him…I would be tempted. For the first time ever, I would want to turn my back on people who were depending on me. I would want to be selfish. To choose happiness for myself over the basic welfare of others. And that made shame churn in my stomach.

“I know how this is going to end. No happy endings for us, right?” he said, laughing and resting his forehead on mine. “You’re going to break my heart. Which is funny, considering the fact that up until I came back home to you, I wasn’t even sure if I had a heart.”

“That’s the last thing I want to do, Jackson.” Tears stung my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. “I never wanted to make things harder on you.”

His hold on me tightened. “I should walk away. Never look back.”

“If that’s what you want…” I swallowed hard and nodded joltingly. “Go ahead and do it. I won’t stop you. I don’t have the right to try to stop you.”

He smoothed the hair out of my vision tenderly. “And you’d what? Follow Walt’s orders and marry a guy you don’t love?”

“I told you, I make my own choices. Maybe I fall back on old patterns from time to time, but everything that’s happening, everything that will happen, it’s my choice.” I waited for his response, my fingers curling into the bottom of his tee. “Like you said, there’s always a choice.”

He studied me. “Sometimes it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it, though.”

Like right now. “So…” I forced my expression to remain neutral, even though the idea of him leaving ripped my palpitating heart out of my chest. “You’re leaving?”

“I said I should leave.” He slid his hands down my body, cupping my butt. “Not that I would.”

“You said I’m drowning you.” I gripped the fabric of his shirt tighter, even though I knew I should let him go.

“You are.” He nuzzled my neck. He smelled like vodka and cigarette smoke. “But it’s okay. It feels so good.”

I closed my eyes, trying to resist the temptation to kiss him again. He didn’t need me crawling all over him. He needed to get in bed and sleep off the booze. “Let’s get you cleaned up. You smell like you drank the whole bar.”

He nodded and backed off, yawning. “Yeah. Okay.”

We went into his bathroom, and I started the shower for him. The pink tiles from my youth seemed to mock me, and I glanced over my shoulder at him. “Why did you pick this room?”

“Because it was farther away from you.” He yanked his shirt over his head. I, once again, admired his tattoos, transfixed by the sight. “I was trying to keep my hands to myself.” He paused. “I failed.”

“So did I,” I whispered.

“I should be upset about failing, because I hate failing.” He undid his pants and let them hit the floor. “But I’m not, because being with you is worth a taste of failure. You’re worth it, and it’s going to sting like a bitch when I leave.”

I forced a smile. He was so drunk, he probably didn’t even know what he was saying. “You told me you were good at leaving.”

Jackson blinked at me. “I did?”

“Yes, when you first moved in. In the kitchen.”

“Oh.” He ruffled his hair before he pulled me into his arms. He was naked, and I was not, and it felt deliciously sordid. “I am good at leaving, but with you, I have a feeling it won’t be so easy.”

The selfish part of me wanted it to be true, but the rest of me hoped not. We couldn’t be together, so I didn’t want him to suffer. “I want you to walk away happy. Not sad.”

“Then I’d have to leave now. Rip the Band-Aid clean off.” He brushed his lips across mine. “Because the longer I stay, the sadder I’ll be. Unhappy endings suck. Do you want me to go now? Do you want to stop?”

“I don’t want to stop,” I whispered, straining to get closer. “I think I’ll never want to stop. I’m selfish when it comes to you. And I refuse to pretend otherwise.”

“Good, because neither do I.”

He tore my dress over my head and caught my lips with his. Sliding his hands under my butt, he lifted me in his arms, and I hung on for dear life as he carried us both into the shower. I didn’t want to let go. Couldn’t let go. And I had a feeling it would be even harder to do so…

When he left for real.

Chapter 18

Jackson

The next morning, it was a miracle I woke up without a raging, blinding headache. I should have. Between the amount of booze I imbibed, and the fight I picked with some asshat in the club, I should have been aching. But I woke up with Lilly in my arms for the fourth morning in a row, and there was no way in hell I would feel any pain when she was with me.

The pain would only come when she was gone.

I frowned, but shook that thought off. I refused to let anything bring me down today. Last night Lilly had been selfish. The altruistic thing to do would have been to push me away, to let me go for my own sake, but she couldn’t do it. Even now, she lay curled up in my arms, her hand on my chest. And for the first time in my life, I let myself think…

We could have a happy ending.

Maybe I could keep her.

If she’d been selfish once, maybe she could be again. Maybe she’d see that marriage to save a company was too big a sacrifice for anyone to reasonably make. We could be happy together. We’d leave here, move to Hawaii, where no one knew we were stepsiblings. We could build a life together. A future.

These thoughts should’ve scared the shit out of me.

Should’ve sent me running in the opposite direction.

Instead, I hugged her closer and smiled. To think, it all started with a plate of chocolate chip cookies. Lilly had kept trying to reach me. She showed me that when you invested in someone, they made your life happier. Letting down your walls didn’t make you weaker.

It made you stronger.

I loved Lilly, and I was all the better for it.

She stirred, stretching her arm straight ahead of her. The curve of her back contrasted against the ridges of my biceps. I’d never get sick of seeing that. Of studying the ways we were different and yet still fit together perfectly. “Good morning.”

“Morning.” She smiled up at me, and I saw myself in her eyes. Saw the man I could be. The man I wanted to be. “You stayed.”

I raised a brow. “Well, it is my room. My very pink room.”

“Oh.” She flushed. “Right.”

“But even if it wasn’t, I would have stayed.” I hugged her close and kissed the top of her head. “No way in hell I’m letting go of you…just yet.”

She smiled up at me and traced one of my tattoos. Three red sevens intertwined with a four-leaf-clover backdrop. “The feeling is mutual.”

“This feels good. Waking up with you in my arms.” I breathed in her flower-and-vanilla scent, knowing I’d never forget it. No matter what happened, I wouldn’t forget the way she smelled. “But you know what would feel even better?”

“Hmm?” she asked, her hand creeping lower. It paused over my intricate Celtic cross tattoo, before moving inward. “This?”

“Hell, yeah.” I grinned and buried my hand in her soft hair, kissing her until she clung to me breathlessly. “But more specifically, I was thinking about food. We were up all night, making love, so I figured you had to be hungry.”

As if on cue, her stomach rumbled loud enough for me to hear it. “Uh…guess so.”

I laughed and kissed her one last time before rolling out of bed. “Well, then, let me cook for you. How’s bacon and pancakes sound?”

“Delightful.” She pressed a hand to her flat stomach. “You know how to cook?”

“Duh.”

Her lips twitched. “Did you seriously just say duh?”

“Don’t judge me,” I said, stepping into my boxers. “It felt right.”

She burst into laughter, and I found myself smiling just because she laughed. Because I made her laugh. My chest puffed out with pride, and I tossed my tee at her. “Put this on, and nothing else. We’ve got cooking to do.”

She stood up, stretching her gloriously naked body. “I thought you were cooking for me?”

“You’re in charge of coffee.”

“I think I can handle that since it’s a Keurig and all.” She shrugged into the shirt. I had about a foot on her, so it was longer with her body under it, easily hiding her ass from my view, but it felt as if I was claiming my territory. Temporarily. When I reached for her, she skirted away. “I’m going to go brush my teeth so I can kiss you properly.”

I couldn’t argue with that. In fact, I needed to do the same. “Do you have anywhere to be today?”

She shook her head and headed for the door. “Nope.”

“Good. Because I’m going to spoil you all day long.” I backed into the bathroom and held my arms out, grinning like a lunatic. “Your every wish and desire will be mine. I’m your own personal genie, come to life.”

She stopped in my doorway and stared back at me, her emerald eyes shining at me. “Sounds like you’re going to be irreplaceable by the end of the day. You better be careful, or I just might decide to keep you.”

After she walked away, I let my smile fade.

“I’m counting on that,” I said to the empty room.

–

An hour later, we were both covered in flour because she said something smart-ass that I thought deserved retaliation, and bacon was frying in a pan. We were on our second cup of coffee, and hadn’t stopped talking since we came downstairs. The past hour had been the picture-perfect example of domestic bliss. It had been a magical, perfect, peaceful morning. Instead of being bored, or antsy, or even wanting to escape, I was…

Happy. Imagine that.

She flipped a pancake—because she insisted on helping even though I told her she didn’t need to—and tapped her foot. I watched her, smiling.

I could do this. Live this life.

All I had to do was convince her she could, too.

Glancing over her shoulder, she caught me watching. Smiling coyly, she turned on her heel and walked over to me. “Whatcha thinking?”

“That you make me happy,” I admitted, not bothering to hide it from her. I was done hiding things. “Seeing you here, in the kitchen with me, it feels right.”

She smiled and rested a hand on my heart. I covered it with my own. “You seem…different this morning.”

Funny. I felt different, too. More optimistic, but I knew it wouldn’t last for long. See, the pessimism was already creeping back. “Is that a bad thing, or a good thing?”

“Neither.” She caressed my skin with her thumb. “It’s just…different.”

She rose on tiptoe and kissed me.

The second our mouths met, I took control from her, tangling our tongues together. Hauling her into my arms, I lifted her up and set her on the counter. She spread her thighs so I could step between them, and I didn’t waste any time doing exactly that. All she wore was my tee with nothing underneath, as I’d commanded her to do, so all that stood between her and me was my thin boxers.

It was still too much.

Sliding my hands up her bare thighs, I crept under the soft cotton. She moaned and buried her hands in my hair, urging me closer. I deepened the kiss, sliding my hand even higher up her thigh until I touched her wet pussy. She was ready for me, and it would be so easy—so damn easy—to forget about food, and just worry about pleasing her for the rest of the day.

Until she never wanted to leave me.

The acrid smell of burning food reached my awareness at the same time as I heard the distinctive door chime that announced the arrival of the flowers I had ordered for her online. It was the first time I ever ordered flowers for a woman. Pink and yellow ones, because I knew she liked both those colors.

Reluctantly, I ended the kiss, running my thumb down her clit roughly. “I can keep going, since this is your day and you’re in charge, but the doorbell just rang, and our pancakes are about to burn. You tell me what to do.”

Groaning, she dropped her head back against the cabinet. “You get the door. I’ll get the pancakes. And then…” She pressed my hand closer to her flesh, moaning when I ran my thumb over her clit again. Breath hitched, she said, “We finish this.”

I kissed her one last time. “Gladly.”

After helping her hop down, I smacked her ass as I walked by. She yelped in surprise, and I laughed. I was still laughing when I yanked the door open—but the laugh died way too damn quickly. Standing there, in my door, wasn’t the flower guy.

It was my mother.

Her jaw dropped. “Jackson?”

Fuuuuck. “Mom. Hi. Uh, I can expl—”

“You’re home?” She staggered back, a hand to her chest, clearly taken aback. “You came home, and you didn’t even tell me? And what in God’s creation did you do to yourself? Those better be the kind of tattoos that wash out. What will people think?”

A small, annoying sense of guilt squeezed my heart, but then she commented on my tattoos and the guilt died down a little. She didn’t give a damn about me. Never had. But even so…“They don’t wash off. And…I’m sorry for not calling.”

“There’s surgeries that can remove them,” she said, her voice stronger. “How long have you been home?”

I flexed my jaw. She’d never understand why I felt the need to hide from the world before rejoining it. Why I needed therapy, or a quiet room every once in a while. “A couple of weeks.”

“How dare you leave me in the dark?” she snapped, staring down her regal nose at me. “Think of how that makes me feel.”

Ah, and there it was again. Her constant need to think of herself. “What about how I feel?” I dragged a hand through my hair. “I just needed time, Mother. Coming home is a big adjustment for—”

Her gaze dipped down, before shooting back up. “Time for what?” It was then, I think, that it occurred to her I’d answered the door half-naked, at Lilly’s house, and I could see the moment that that fact became more important than the fact that I was home, safe and sound. She raised her hand and covered her mouth, stepping back. “Jackson. Put some clothes on. What if Lilly came down and saw—?”

“Hurry up, the bacon is burn—” Lilly cut off, her voice ending on a squeak. I didn’t need to look at her to know what my mother saw. My shirt on Lilly’s body. Swollen lips from my kisses. Messed-up hair from my fingers. “Oh. Oh, crap.”

Annnd there it was.

The cat was out of the bag, hissing and kicking and clawing.

Well, both of them were. My being home was now painfully clear…as was the fact that Lilly and I had picked up right where we left off. Kissing.

There was nothing to be done, so I wouldn’t start making excuses.

I wasn’t a liar. Yeah, I came home and didn’t tell her. Yeah, Lilly and I were having sex. And yeah, we were stepsiblings. Oh, well. The world would have to build a bridge and get over it, because what was done was done.

And I was grateful for it. For her.

Mother, for her part, managed to hold it together. She put on a tight smile and ripped her sunglasses off. “Lilly, dear, did you forget you’re supposed to be at our house for brunch with Derek…and his parents?”

Lilly didn’t keep her chill. “I—oh, God. I’m going to—”

She bolted up the stairs, and the next thing we heard was the shower go on and her bedroom door open. She’d been caught with me, and the first thing she did was go to wash me away. My chest got a hollow ache to it, one I couldn’t deny or ignore. “Shit.”

I headed for the stairs, but Mom stepped in my way. “How could you? How could you do that to that poor, innocent girl? How could you defile her?”

That was taking it a bit far, even for her. I wasn’t some dirty thing to wash off afterward, or a horrible guy. I loved Lilly, and I wanted her to be happy. That was more than she or Walt could say. “I thought you were mad at me for coming home without telling you? Weren’t we still going over that?”

“I don’t care about that anymore,” she snapped. “If Walt found out…this is horrible. Just horrible.”

Tearing my gaze off the stairs, I met my mother’s eyes. “I didn’t do anything wrong. We just—”

“Priceless. Typical Jackson behavior. Deny all wrongdoing till you’re blue in the face, and run away, leaving a mess behind. Only this time, that mess is Lilly.” She covered her face. “How could you come home for just a few weeks, and still manage to interfere with this? You cause problems the second you step foot back in town, like you always have, until it makes me wish you never came home at all. That you stayed over there.”

I lifted my chin, trying my damnedest not to let her words affect me, but failing. “Don’t worry. I won’t be sticking around much longer, anyway, and this time I won’t come back. You’ll get to go back to pretending you have a son who isn’t a disappointment in every way soon enough.”

“If people found out, the merger would be off.” As expected, she didn’t even comment on my impending exit from her life. She had one concern. How this would affect Walt’s plans. “She’s engaged to be married. Why, Jackson, why?”

But she wasn’t. Not yet. I shrugged, as if I didn’t care that she didn’t even blink when I told her I’d be gone from her life soon. “It wasn’t planned. It just happened.”

Mom was easily two seconds from turning into a dragon. “It just—”

“I’m sorry,” Lilly whispered from the stairs. “We didn’t mean to…to…harm anyone. Or ruin anything. I’m so sorry. So very sorry.”

I stiffened, because she was apologizing for something that was the best decision I ever made. Taking a chance on her had shown me the world I could live in. The life I could lead. And I wasn’t sorry for that. “Lilly—”

“No one can ever know. Not about this. Not about Jackson living here, or…” Mother broke off. “Ever.”

Lilly paled. “We know. We’re sorry. We really are.”

No. We were not sorry.

But apparently she was.

“The wedding with Derek will continue to move forward, yes?” Mother asked. “Hastings International is depending on you.”

“Y-yes.” Lilly wrung her hands in front of her. “Of course it will.”

It was what we’d said all along. Our agreement.

But hearing her say it, when everything had changed for me, hurt.

All those pretty words about wanting me, about never letting me go, were just that. Words. I couldn’t say I hadn’t been warned. “Lilly…”

“See?” Lilly said, forcing a smile, not meeting my eyes. “Everyone still gets what they want, and the wedding will move forward. I…I promise. Everyone will be happy.”

Except her. And me.

And the fact that she promised to marry Derek? Yeah, that meant it was happening. After all, she didn’t break promises. Just hearts.

Mother seemed appeased. “Are you able to come to brunch? They’re all waiting for you, as is the photographer. Your father tried to call, but there was no answer. So I offered to come fetch you.”

Lilly nodded. “Of course, yes. Give me a few minutes. I’ll be right down.”

I watched as she flew up the stairs without another glance at me, unable to believe Lilly had decided to do it. She was marrying Derek. I loved her, and she was choosing another man over me. “Jesus. How do you do that? Make her jump at your command with a single word?”

“Stop looking at her like that,” Mother snapped, smacking my arm. “She’s your stepsister. Do you have any idea of the scandal this could cause?”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. She was marrying Derek. “Do you have any idea how much of a damn I don’t give? Because it’s a pretty big damn.”

“Jackson.”

“She doesn’t belong with Derek,” I ground out. “Never has, and never will. This marriage will kill her spirit. Snuff out her light.”

Mother snorted. “Since when do you recite poetry? This is highly inappropriate, and neither of you should have let it go this far. It ends. Now. If Derek knew you were living—”

“He knows.” I crossed my arms. “Spoke with him several times.”

She staggered back again. “Oh, dear. We have to fix this.”

“There’s nothing to fix,” I snapped.

“Yes. There is. He has to see you in a public setting, giving your approval. It has to be done,” she said, more to herself than to me. “I’m going to go home and act as if I didn’t see you here, and you’re going to stay out of sight until told otherwise. I’ll keep your secret for you. But when I call you and tell you to come to the event next week? You’ll come. You owe me that.”

I cocked a brow. “And if I refuse?”

“Then Lilly will end up getting ruined in the process. Not you. Not me. Her.” She crossed her arms. “And it’ll be because of you.”

No. That wasn’t true. Was it? I shrugged and glowered at the stairs. “Whatever. You want me to show up at some dumbass party, I’ll do it. But it’s the only favor I’ll give you before I go.”

“Fine,” she said stiffly. “And leave Lilly alone from now on. She’s not for you, and you both know it.”

“You already won, Mother. You snapped your fingers, and she fell into place.”

“That’s because she understands the importance of what’s at stake here.” My mother quickly uncrossed her arms. “You, however, continue to think about yourself—and only yourself.”

Her words struck deep. Was she right? Was I being selfish in wanting Lilly to be free of her bondage? For wanting her to have a real chance at happiness…

With me?

It didn’t matter, anyway, because she was marrying Derek.

As if she could read my thoughts, Mom struck even deeper. “What kind of life can you give her? Not the kind she’s accustomed to. Not the life Derek could give her. If you stayed here, everyone would whisper behind your backs. The scandal of you falling in love with your sister might even follow you. What kind of life is that to give to a girl like Lilly?”

She wasn’t saying anything I hadn’t already thought. I growled low in my throat. “She’s not my sister.”

“They won’t care.” She shook her head. “No one will. Lilly will be ostracized from her life, her peers, all because she chose to be with you. You are asking her to choose between you and the company, her family’s company. If she chooses you and the company goes under, how do you think she will feel? Will you actually be able to make it up to her? Would you be enough?”

The thing was…I didn’t know.

I was saved from answering when Lilly came running down the stairs, dressed in casual slacks and a silk blouse. A strand of pearls rested around her neck, and her slightly damp hair was pulled back into a severe bun. She appeared to be every inch the lady…

And nothing like my Lilly.

“Ready?” Mother asked, ignoring me.

“Yes.” Lilly grabbed her purse and hesitated. “Sorry to run.”

I didn’t meet her eyes. “It’s fine. Go on.”

For a second, she didn’t move. I thought maybe, just maybe, she might win that internal battle I could see waging inside her. Thought she might choose me.

But she shook her head and walked out the door, shutting it behind her. Pain splicing through my chest, I went into the kitchen and walked up to the breakfast I’d planned for her. I picked up the pan, walked to the sink, and dumped it.

She was ripping me apart, piece by piece, and like a fool, I kept going back for more. Kept offering another limb for her to tear off and shred. Continued to let myself fall into her web, more and more, until I all but guaranteed she would break my heart.

Like I had known she would do all along.

Had I really expected anything else from her, though? She left me behind without a sign of doubt or second-guessing that decision. Had chosen Derek.

She finally made her choice.

It was over.