Текст книги "Bad Romance"

Автор книги: Jen McLaughlin

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Текущая страница: 11 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

Now it was time to shut up, ignore it all, and just do.

Chapter 16

Lilly

When I first saw him standing there, highlighted by the hallway light behind him, I was so sure I was still dreaming. Like usual, I awoke touching myself and trying my best to come. Usually when I woke up, the excitement he brought me in my sleep slowly faded away….

Until I was just a girl with her hand down her panties.

But this time, when I came to, he was standing there, undressing. A dream come true. And, at that moment, I didn’t care why he’d changed his mind, so long as he gave me some relief from the need coursing through me.

He crawled in between my legs, dropping kisses up my thighs. “I’m done resisting this. Done fighting. I’m not a good-enough guy to do it.”

I cried out, still rolling my fingers over my throbbing clitoris as he went. His hand slammed down on mine, and he held me still. I cried out in anger, my breaths coming quicker than the time I ran a 5K for charity. “Jackson.”

“If you’re going to come with my name on your lips, you can be damned sure it’s because I’m the one making you come,” he said, his voice all growly and sexy and seductive. “That orgasm making your nipples tighten and your breath come hard and fast? It’s mine.”

I moaned, his words sending me even closer to the release I knew only he could give me. “Then take it, damn it.”

He tore—literally tore—my panties off me, lifted my ass up by cupping it, and closed his mouth over me. The second his tongue touched my already sensitive clit, I was screaming and clawing my way to an orgasm. It hit me instantly, rolling through my veins until nothing but pleasure existed. He didn’t stop there, though. He lightened his strokes, thrusting a finger inside me as he drove me mad.

“Oh my—stop.” I dug my hands in his hair and pulled, but he didn’t even flinch. “Don’t stop. Don’t you dare stop. Stop. Don’t—agh.”

I lifted my hips higher, the orgasm that was building starting in my stomach, and slowly fanning out through my whole body via my veins, making me go all numb and tingly. It was stronger than I’d ever felt before, slowly building up speed until it crashed over me and would have drowned me if I hadn’t been holding on tightly to Jackson.

This time, he let me fall to the mattress.

As soon as he knelt between my thighs, I sat up. Licking my dry lips, my body still humming with the orgasm he gave me, I skimmed my fingers over his shaft. It was so hard, yet so soft, all at the same time. “My turn.”

He stiffened. “Lilly…yes, fuck, yes.”

I’d never done this before, but I knew what to do. Or at least, I hoped I did. I’d read enough romance books, and even watched a porno or two in an attempt to feel something down there, so I had the basics down. I took a deep breath and ran my tongue up his hard length.

He stiffened and let out a strangled groan. “Jesus. More.”

Cupping his balls gently, I squeezed ever so slightly and sucked him into my mouth. He tasted good—a little bit salty and way too sexy—and I needed to stretch my jaw wide to fit him all in. Moaning, I rolled my tongue over the head of his erection, pulling on his balls at the same time.

He groaned, long and hard, and buried his hands in my hair. “Yes. Just like that, love.”

When he let out a bunch of curses and pushed farther into my mouth, my confidence grew even more. I pulled back, almost releasing him from my mouth, before slamming him back inside. He moaned, his abs twitching, and yanked on my hair.

It stung, but in a good way. And it made me want to make him lose control even more. Like he did to me. I moaned and took him in deeper, until he hit the back of my throat. I relaxed, focusing on taking him inside me, and sucked so hard I hollowed out my cheeks.

“Shit, damn—I’m gonna come already,” he growled, tugging on my hair. I resisted, refusing to stop until he came. Until I tasted him in my mouth. “You have to stop or I’ll—Christ.”

I sucked harder, moving up and down his shaft, and he lost it.

Curses flew as he pumped his hips gently, his grasp on my hair unyielding. “Lilly, Jesus. Yes. Yes.”

He thrust one last time, and his whole body went stiff, his mouth went lax, and he threw his head back. The hot spurt of semen hit my tongue, and I sucked it up, swallowing every last drop. And I immediately wanted more. I pulled back, flicked my tongue over the head of his shaft, and didn’t let go.

“Can I do that again?”

“Lilly.” He let out a half moan, half laugh, and moved back, rubbing his neck. “Yes, but not right this second. If you did, I might die.”

I licked my lips and wiped a palm across them. “Are you sure?”

He watched me as I wiped off, and his gaze heated all over again. “You are, without a doubt, the hottest, sexiest, most open woman I have ever been with.”

I swallowed hard because I didn’t know what to say to that.

Mostly because now I wanted to know how many women he had been with, but I would never ask. Not even the new me would go there. It would only make me jealous of all the women he had taken before me. And it would only make me think of all the women he would take when he was finished with me, too.

His insistence he’d never get married made me inexplicably sad. I hated the idea of him with someone else, but I equally hated the idea of him being alone. Trying to lighten the mood, I said, “You’re the sexiest man I’ve ever been with, too.”

He threw his head back and laughed. It was the best sound I’d ever heard. “I’m the only man you’ve ever been with.”

“Hmm…” I tapped my finger to my mouth and pretended to be lost in thought. “You’re right. I can’t really make that claim until I do some comparisons. For, you know, research—oof.”

He landed on me, sheltering my body with his arms as we fell to the mattress. “Enough of that,” he whispered, kissing my neck. “You’ve got me. That’s all you need.”

My heart impossibly stopped, right then and there, before speeding up. Did that mean this wasn’t another one-time thing? That he wouldn’t leave me and go back to resisting? Because if so, I was so on board with that. He was the only man I wanted. The only man I ever wanted. “What are you saying?”

Jackson

As soon as she asked me, I knew what she was really asking. She wanted to know if this was another one-time thing, or if I intended to do it again. And up until this moment, I didn’t really know. I hadn’t planned to take her again. Had been doing my best not to. But all that changed the second I’d stopped outside her door.

I reared back, studying her. She stared at me as if she was almost…afraid of me. Which made no sense at all. I’d never willingly hurt her. “I’m only gonna be around for a little while longer. If I get the job, when I get it, I’ll leave for Hawaii and move on with my life. So…for a little while, let’s do this. Be us. As long as we both know there’s an expiration date. No happy endings.”

“Sure,” she said slowly. “I’m aware of all of this.”

She agreed with me, but it didn’t feel completely right.

I almost wanted her to argue that we had a future.

“No one can know.” I slid my hand up her thigh, ever so slowly, and dug my fingers into it, ignoring my unspoken wishes for a happy ending, despite my words. “It’s our secret, staying behind these walls.”

She hesitated but nodded. “What made you change your mind?”

I paused, looking down at her, the room’s shadows hiding her eyes. I shrugged, trying to ignore the fact that none of this felt right. That I wanted to be more than a fucking dirty little secret. “You’re an amazing woman and if this is all I’ll ever have of you, I’ll take it. And if you get married, we go on with life and pretend this never happened. Go back to being just stepsiblings.”

She bit down on her tongue and nodded again. “We don’t have any other choice, right?”

There was always a choice, but I refused to beg her for more. I wouldn’t be that guy. I’d take what she offered and try to be content with it. “Not that I can see.” I moved my fingers inward, creeping closer to her core, despite my earlier request for a reprieve. My body was ready and willing for another round. I had a feeling I’d never get my fill of her. “But until then, we can have a hell of a time together. Do we have a deal?”

Wiggling her hips, she grinned. “Indeed we do.”

“I tried to resist this. To resist you. I even thought about finding another woman to screw so I could forget about you. So I could pretend she was you. Get you out of my system.” When she stiffened underneath me, I laughed and rested a finger on her parted lips, my knuckles resting on her chin. “Don’t worry. It didn’t work.”

She sagged against the mattress. “I was hoping to find someone at the bar the other night, but the minute I walked in, I knew there would never be anyone who could compare with you.”

Instead of giving me pleasure, her words made me shift my weight. Knowing she couldn’t have me, and I couldn’t have her, hit me hard in the gut. When I was gone, I didn’t want her to miss me. “No matter what happens with Derek, you’ll find a man who will appreciate you properly one day.”

She gave me a sad smile. “If you think it’ll work out for me, does that mean now you think you’ll find someone, too?”

“Does it matter?” I asked.

She pursed her lips, not answering. No matter what happened, or who I ended up with, if anyone at all, it wouldn’t be her. And that sucked ass.

“That’s what I thought,” I said softly, dropping my mouth to her neck. I kissed it, rolling my hips against her at the same time. “Lilly…”

Her pulse skyrocketed, and she wrapped her legs around me. “I thought you needed a break.”

“What the hell do you think we just did?” I murmured. “We took five.”

Moaning, she arched her neck to give me better access. “Oh.”

“If you think I’m going to sleep without coming in that tight pussy of yours,” I said, nibbling on her ear as I positioned myself, “you don’t know me at all….”

She dug her nails into my shoulders and tightened her thighs on my hips. “Oh, my God. Yes.”

I reached between us and cupped her. Slipping two fingers inside her, I pressed my palm against her clit roughly. Just the way she liked it. “You’re already all wet for me.”

“Always,” she said quickly. Breathlessly. “You have no idea how badly I want you. You’re all I think about. All I dream about…”

I thrust a finger inside, rolling my thumb over her clit at the same time. “Damn. I have the same problem. What’s happening to us, Lilly? It’s like we’re haunting each other.”

“I know how to fix it,” she whispered, skimming her hands down my back till she reached my ass. Once there, she dug her fingers in and hauled me against my own fingers. “Take me. Hard. Now.”

Fuck, yeah. Groaning, I dropped my forehead on hers. “Do you have condoms in here?”

“No. But I’m on the pill.” She swallowed. “Are you…how many…are you clean?”

“There haven’t been many women, if that’s what you’re asking. A handful. Being overseas all the time isn’t the best hunting grounds for dating, so to speak.” I lifted up on my hands, staring down at where she pressed against me. “Even so, I’ve never fucked without a condom before. I’m clean. But are you sure?”

“I’ve been on the pill since I was seventeen.” She lifted her hips, pressing against my bare skin. Just one touch and I wanted more. I wanted all of her. “Nancy insisted, even though she knew I wasn’t sexually active. She said the last thing I needed was an accidental pregnancy ruining my life.”

I stiffened. “Oh.”

“Jackson…”

“Don’t.” I lowered my head, hiding my face from her. “I’ve known for a while. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“No. It’s not.” Gently, she cupped the sides of my face and urged it up. I didn’t resist her. I never could, so what the hell was the point in trying? “Don’t ever doubt that you were meant to be here. You were meant to help people, to save lives. From the moment you came into my life, you made it better. You showed me that there were possibilities in this world besides spending money and chairing committees. Whatever I would have been, I’m different now. You changed me.”

Something inside me released. I felt it in the way I watched her. In the way I cradled her closer, my breathing harsh, and didn’t want to let go. And I felt it deep within me, in my chest, where no one else would ever see it. Only me. It was as if we were…

Meant to be.

“Lilly…shit.” I kissed her, my mouth moving over hers with an urgency that hadn’t been there before. “The things you do to me…I’m gonna be honest. They scare me. You scare me. You always have. Even back when we were kids, I knew I could get attached to you very quickly, and that terrified me, because I swore to never let anyone in. But I don’t care. I’m gonna do it, anyway.”

My tongue entwined with hers, and my body came to life instantly, demanding more. But it wasn’t just the carnal side of this. It was more this time. As if everything within me needed her. And it was…alarming. It was too much. Too strong.

Too fast.

Moaning, she wrapped her legs around me again, urging me to do it. To take her. “Jackson…yes. I need you. I…I…”

“I know, love.” I positioned myself at her core, tensing as I slid inside her tight pussy. “Shit. That feels so good. It feels like…like…I finally found a home.”

She nodded frantically, and something crossed her eyes.

Something I didn’t want to examine.

But it made me wish, just for a second, that things could be different. That the damn ending to our story hadn’t already been written. I skimmed my knuckles over her cheekbone. She was so soft. So smooth. So very special, and so very not mine. “I don’t want to hurt you, though. Don’t let me.”

“I won’t.” She licked her lips and added, “Don’t let me hurt you.”

“Lilly,” I said softly. “It will be an honor to be hurt by you.”

She looked confused at that. As if she didn’t think it was possible to hurt me. Little did she know, the simple thought of her marrying another man sliced through me like a knife. “I won’t—”

My mouth melded to hers, cutting her words off, and I thrust inside her with one hard, smooth movement of my hips. The feel of her soft skin against my rough skin, in the most intimate way, made me groan. Every touch of her fingertips, every thrust inside her tight pussy, sent me into a wild abandoned need to come.

And when I did, she was right there with me.

I made sure of it.

When we were done, I curled up behind her and wrapped my arms around her securely. I didn’t want to let go. “Good night.”

“Good night,” she whispered back, pressing a fist against her lips.

Sighing, I kissed the back of her head, wriggled a little bit, and fell asleep. It was the first time I’d done that in months. Years, even, because with Lilly in my arms…

I found peace.

Chapter 17

Lilly

Three days later, Jackson paced in front of me. We’d been sleeping together every night, spending blissful hours in one another’s arms, and it was as if I’d found heaven. But at the same time, we were both blindingly aware that our time together was running short. His job prospects in Hawaii were looking more and more like a reality. And my marriage, as much as I might not want to admit it, looked more and more real, too.

Earlier today, I’d spoken to my father about opening up shares instead of the merger, and you’d think I suggested we sell it to the devil himself. Derek’s father had reacted the same. So, try as I might, it looked as though I either had to turn my back on those people who depended on me to save them…

Or I had to marry Derek Thornton III.

I wasn’t going to be so dramatic as to say I didn’t have a choice. I did. I could totally walk away from it all and let Daddy find a way to save the company on his own. But those people…his employees. They would be the ones who would suffer if he failed.

And I wasn’t sure I could live with that.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” Jackson asked, ripping me out of my thoughts and back into reality. His fists were tight at his sides. His phone rang on the table, but neither of us glanced at it. “How did he find out?”

I winced and rubbed my forehead. “Daddy said—”

“Daddy can kiss my ass,” Jackson growled.

“Jackson,” I snapped, cheeks hot. “Seriously. Calm down.”

He paced in front of me, a nervous energy vibrating off every move he made. “Tell me exactly what he said.”

“I was trying to,” I pointed out. “But you cut me off.”

He glowered at me but didn’t say anything.

“Anyway, he told your mom that he heard you’d been injured overseas. A buddy of a buddy told him, and he thought maybe you might not have told her about it.” I gripped my knees. “At which point, she started calling you incessantly.”

The phone rang again, as if on cue. He dragged a hand through his hair. “I hadn’t noticed.”

I lifted a shoulder.

“What did you say back to him? You didn’t tell him anything, did you?”

“No. I said I hadn’t heard anything, and why would I?” I stood up. “It’s not as if you spoke to me, or even liked me.”

He stopped pacing at that. “You said that?”

“Yeah. It’s true, isn’t it?” I tucked my hair behind my ears. “Or, it was, anyway.”

Crossing the room, he stopped directly in front of me. “He won’t buy that. He obviously knows I liked you enough to kiss you all those years ago.”

“Yeah, but he was the one who told me it was all a ruse. A trick, to get your way. That you used me.” I turned away from him. “And he also knew that you never wrote me back, no matter how many letters I sent. He never failed to point that out to me at any given time.”

“But he’s the one who told you to write them in the first place.”

I bit down on my tongue, carefully forming my words. “I wrote to you even though I knew you wouldn’t write back. And I did it because I wanted you to know when you came home, someone was rooting for you. That someone cared. I’d hoped it would make it easier for you to come home and face our parents. And…and…maybe it’s time for that. For you to go home.”

Something in his gaze softened, but instead of reaching out for me, he backed up a step, shaking his head. Every time this topic came up, he shut me out. It was infuriating, “No. I’m not ready.”

“What, exactly, do you think they’re going to do to you?” I snapped. “Shoot you on sight? Run you through with a bayonet? I mean, really.”

“It’s my choice to make,” he growled. “And I’ll make it when I’m damn good and ready.”

“Well, then, make it. Go over there. Tell them you’re home.”

He laughed. “So he can try to form me into something I’m not again? Hell, no. I’d rather choke on nails and die in enemy territory.”

I rolled my eyes. I couldn’t help it. “He’s not the boss of you. You can go in there, refuse to do what he wants, and it’ll be fine. Just stand up for yourself.”

“Wow. That’s rich, coming from you.”

I stiffened. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know exactly what it means,” he snarled. “You’re thinking about marrying some asshole Daddy picked out for you, even though you don’t want to, but you dare to lecture me on fighting for my rights?”

“That’s not the same thing,” I snapped, my cheeks going hot all over again. “I have people counting on me. People who depend on me to ensure they don’t lose their livelihoods. For their futures. People who feel—”

“What about me?” he asked, his voice hollow. “What about what I want? What about my feelings, and my future?”

My heart picked up speed, and it was as if a whirlpool formed in my head, blocking out all thoughts and sounds except for him. The way he said that, all raw and open, made me wonder if he wanted more out of what we had. More than what I already gave him. If it came to choosing between Jackson and all the people counting on me…

God, I wouldn’t know what to choose.

Too many lives were at stake to take my responsibility lightly.

“Jackson…”

He let out a laugh. “Don’t. Don’t patronize me.”

“It’s not that I don’t care about you,” I said quickly, reaching out to grab his hand. “It’s that I know what I have to do, and if there’s no other way out, I’ll do it.”

“Have you found another way out yet?” he asked, his voice tight.

I shook my head.

“Do you think you will?”

Closing my eyes, I hesitated. Because the answer was damning, and I didn’t want to give it. But his question, and his own honesty, demanded I give him the same in return.

“Yeah. That’s what I thought.” Grabbing his keys, he shook off my hold and headed for the door. “I need some time to myself. Don’t wait up for me.”

“Where are you going?” I asked, following him, my chest filled with an achy hollowness that wouldn’t go away.

“Away. I need to think about—” He opened the door and turned back to me. His expression was hauntingly empty. “About everything.”

And he slammed the door.

I covered my face with my hands and sat down, determined to finish this conversation. To make him understand that no matter how much I might like him, and enjoy spending time with him, the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the one.

And if I said it enough times, I might actually begin to believe it.

–

Six hours.

Six hours and thirty-two minutes, to be exact.

That was how long I had been sitting there, waiting for Jackson to come home. I didn’t know what was going on inside his head, or why he felt the need to run from an argument with me, but the longer I sat there, staring out the window every three seconds, the more angry I got. We were in the middle of an argument, and instead of staying here so we could sort it out…

He left me.

It was what he did. Left.

And he would keep doing it. I knew he would. He’d warned me about Hawaii. I knew he couldn’t wait to get out of here. To start fresh again. I couldn’t blame him. If I could run with a clean conscience, I would, too. I understood his need to run, his need to be his own man. But that was because I knew him, and I cared about him.

If he needed to leave to be happy, then he should go.

That was who he was.

But if he couldn’t understand why I had to marry Derek, or why I couldn’t stand to let all those people down, then he didn’t know me at all. Didn’t know who I was.

I glowered down at my phone, tapping my finger on the back of it impatiently. I’d left him a voicemail at the three-hour mark and texted him a handful of times, but no answer. Had he decided to go to Hawaii already? Board a plane and hope he had a job when he got there? Head for his new life, in a new town, with new people?

That was my biggest fear.

That he left without saying goodbye again.

Maybe he’d decided enough was enough, and he just kept driving. Maybe I wouldn’t see him for another seven years. Maybe not ever…

Headlights hit the window, and I stood up, bending over the couch to look outside. Sure enough, it was Jackson’s truck in my driveway. Immediate relief punched me in the belly. He hadn’t left me yet. He came back to me.

The door opened and shut quietly.

When he came around the corner, I gasped and covered my mouth. His shirt was torn, and he had a black eye. Blood ran down the corner of his mouth, his pants were ripped at the knee, and his hair stuck up all over the place. He stumbled forward until he saw me. “Shit. I told you not to wait up. It’s not as bad as it looks.”

His words spurred me into motion. “Oh, my God, what happened to you?”

“I ran into a door,” he said drily.

“Jackson.”

“What the hell do you think happened to me?” he snapped, holding his hands up to his sides. “I picked a fight with someone. It’s what I do.”

“Apparently.” I ground my teeth together and reached out to touch his cheek gingerly. There was already a bruise forming. “And clearly lost.”

He jerked away from my touch, looking offended. “I didn’t lose. I never lose. And before you ask, no, it wasn’t Derek…this time.”

I rolled my eyes. “What were you thinking?”

“That I was pissed off, and it would be fun to kick some ass.” He grinned and leaned against the wall, crossing his arms. “I was right. It was. For the first time since coming here, I felt like me again. I felt like myself. And it felt pretty damn good.”

As in around me…he didn’t. “Oh.”

“I’m drowning here, Lilly.” He stumbled toward me, and the closer he got, the more I smelled the booze and perfume on him. “You’re drowning me. With your smiles, and your laughter, and those sexy noises you make when you come….”

My heart contracted. Needing to do something with my hands, I grabbed a tissue and reached out to clean his face off. “You’re drunk. Did you drive home like this?”

“No. I got a ride. Tyler drove my truck. He’ll walk back to the bar from here.”

“Should I give him a ride?” I asked.

“Hell, no.” He caught my wrist. “The last thing I need is the two of you alone together. He’s a man-whore. You would stand no chance against him.”

“O-Oh.” He sounded almost…jealous. “Let me clean up your—”

“No.” He ripped the tissue out of my hand and swiped the blood off his face himself. “I don’t need you to take care of me. And I don’t need to take care of you. I don’t want it. But it’s there. You’re there. All the time. And you’re not even mine. You’re his. I hate him.”

I reared back, my heart wrenching even more. “God, Jackass Jackson comes out when you’re drunk.”

“No, I’m just being honest.” He eyed me. “Speaking of honesty, I flirted with other women tonight.”

I staggered back, pain slicing through my chest straight to my heart. “Did you have fun?” I forced myself to ask calmly.

“No.” He reached for me, and I jumped back, not wanting him to touch me right now, because I could smell another woman on him. “Lilly.”

“Did you score? Did you find someone to help you forget about me?” I shoved his shoulder and he stumbled back. The pain faded away and hid behind the anger. So much anger. “I hope she was good. I hope she made you forget all about me, so I stop drowning you.”

He had the audacity to look confused. “I didn’t fuck anyone else.”

“So you, what, wear women’s perfume before starting fights?” I went at him again. “Don’t lie to me. I can smell her on you.”

He backed me against the wall before I could do any damage, trapping both my hands above my head. Breathing harshly, his nostrils flared, he lowered his face to mine until we were nose to nose. “I wish I found another woman I wanted even half as badly as I want you. Wish I found someone who made me want her. Wish I found someone—anyone—else, who made me forget the things you make me feel. Hell, I even wish you weren’t you, so that things wouldn’t be so damn complicated.”

There it was again.

He wanted my life to be different because it would be easier for him.

The other times he mentioned it, I shrugged it off and acted as if it didn’t bother me. But this time, it did. I yanked on my arms but he didn’t let go. “Screw you. I’m me, and you were perfectly fine with that last night when my mouth was wrapped around your—”

“Damn it, Lilly.” Growling, he fused his mouth to mine, cutting off my words. His teeth dug into my lower lip, stinging, but I didn’t care. All that mattered was he was here, and he was saying all these confusing things, and my body lit up, like it only seemed to do for him. And for whatever reason, that made me sad.

He broke the kiss off too soon, groaning and shaking his head. “Shit, Lilly. You’re killing me.”

I made a small sound. “I’m not even doing anything.”

“You don’t have to. You just have to be you.”

“Well, gee, sorry for existing,” I shot back.

“When you laugh, I laugh. When you smile, I smile. When you’re in pain, I feel it, too.” He pushed off me and paced back and forth like a caged animal, waiting for his chance to escape. “Why did you have to write to me?”

I watched him cautiously. “I already told you.”

“Yeah, because your father told you to, right? Because he loves me so damn much.” He barked out a laugh and tugged on his hair. “Jesus, I can’t believe I fell for that. Tell me the real reason you wrote to me.”

When I first started writing the letters, I wrote that Daddy made me. It was a way to excuse my pathetic need to keep in contact with him, to make sure he knew how I felt about him, when he clearly didn’t want me to. But it had been a lie.

And he’d finally figured that out.

“I already did.” I hid my hands behind my back, still not moving from the spot he’d put me in. “I wrote because I cared about you. I wanted you to know that I was here for you. And I was hoping you’d care about me, too.”

“Ah. There it is. The truth.” He approached again, his brows low, stopping directly in front of me. “Why does it matter to you if I care? Why is it so damn important to you? You’re thinking about marrying another guy.”

My heart sped up. He’d cornered me in more ways than one, and I didn’t like it. So I fought back. “Because it did. But it doesn’t matter, because you didn’t care. You didn’t write back. So it’s a moot point.”

He stared at me, the muscle in his jaw ticking. “I read them all.”

“So you said.”

“They kept me alive. They kept me sane.” He stalked over to the sofa and lifted a cushion, pulling out a crumpled stack of envelopes, like he’d hidden them there rather than be caught reading them. “These are my favorite ones. The ones I read every day. The rest are in my room.”

Jackson tossed the bundle at me. I caught them unsteadily, blinking down at them.

Immediately, I recognized the one on the top. It was written in my senior year. I knew, because I’d been experimenting with my writing, and had written my a’s differently. That phase hadn’t lasted long. It was the last letter I wrote to him. The one where I told him I still cared about him, but he was never going to acknowledge me, so I was done writing to him. It was my goodbye letter to a friend. A friend I still loved very much. “You have favorites.”

“Yeah.” He squared his jaw. “When a friend died? I read them. When I couldn’t sleep? I read them. You kept me alive. You kept me going. And when they stopped, when you told me you were done? I died a little bit more inside. So don’t tell me I didn’t care.”

I licked my lips. “Then why didn’t you write back?”

“Because I was trying to set you free, damn it. Trying to show you that I wasn’t for you. But those letters kept me fighting. They kept me alive.” He laughed. “But now I’m back, and I swear to God you’re trying to kill me.”

I licked my lips and held the letters close to my chest. Knowing my silly little letters meant that much to him—helped him in any way—made my legs tremble. “I don’t want to kill you.”