Текст книги "Bad Romance"

Автор книги: Jen McLaughlin

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Текущая страница: 3 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

Chapter 3

Jackson

Late the next morning, I woke up with a hell of a headache and a blurry memory of everything from the night before. One thing I knew for sure was that I’d seen Lilly, and I said some things I knew I would soon regret…if I remembered them, that was. Though I was ninety-nine percent certain I told her if she was someone else, I would have fucked her. What was I thinking?

We were supposed to be family, damn it.

All she’d done was offer me a ride home, and I’d acted like a drunken fool. Par for the course these days. When I was sober, I was disciplined. I held myself tightly, and never forgot who I was and what I was supposed to be doing at any given time. But when I was drunk…yeah. It was the complete opposite.

Last night was the perfect example of that.

“Damn it,” I muttered, covering my face with my hands.

I’d already taken advantage of her kind heart once, and I refused to do it again. But on that note, damn it, why did she make me so hungry for her? All we’d shared was a short kiss seven years ago, but the second I saw her again…I wanted her. Wanting her might not be wrong, ethically speaking, but it felt wrong.

And I carried enough “wrong” all on my own.

Rolling over, I picked up my phone and swiped my finger across it. I’d missed a call from Tyler at nine this morning, so I returned it immediately. I had to be at my therapist’s in twenty minutes. And for the first time in forever, I actually had something to talk about. Lilly, and our parting, and what to do to make it up to her.

“Hello?” Tyler said.

“Hey.” I rubbed my throbbing forehead and got out of bed. Naked, I padded barefoot across the bedroom and into the attached bathroom. “I’m sorry about last night.”

Glasses clanged in the background. “What was up with that, man? Why did you punch that guy? I know you drank a lot, but come on.”

I opened a bottle of ibuprofen and dumped three into my hand. “I know, and I’m sorry. But that girl…I know her. And the jackass was being aggressive with her. Even if she’d been a stranger, I woulda reacted the same.”

Tyler sighed. “I know, but next time, maybe exercise some of that superhuman self-control we both know you have?”

After I swallowed the pills, I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. “I will. I swear. It just threw me off, seeing her like that. And he touched her, and I just…”

“Who is she to you? An ex?”

“Hell, no. No. No.” I snorted and scratched my head. “She’s my stepsister. The one who used to write me all the time overseas.”

“Oh.” Tyler fell silent. His silence was more telling than any words could have been. He, more than anyone, knew how much those letters had meant to me. And how much I’d missed them once they stopped. “Damn, man, she’s hot. You didn’t tell me that when you were waxing poetic about her smile all those years.”

“No.” I rubbed my aching temples. The last thing I needed was Tyler chasing after Lilly. “No. She’s not. No.”

“I think one no would have sufficed,” Tyler said drily. “Methinks the asshole doth protest too much…or whatever the hell Shakespeare said in that play.”

“Piss off,” I muttered.

But he was right.

The first time Lilly and I met, she looked up at me with hopeful eyes, my favorite cookies on a plate in her shaking hands. When she said hello, her voice low and shy, I softened, the shell around my heart cracking. It scared me, that crack, that new weakness.

So I tried to push her away.

Even back then, I had a feeling she could make me break my rules. Make me care. So I left her behind, escaping into the military life, and pretended I never gave her a second thought. I became pretty damn good at it. So good that she probably believed she never meant anything to me at all, when in fact she was the only one I’d cared about.

That was, hands down, the shittiest thing I’d ever done.

And the hardest.

Even at eighteen, my path had been laid out in front of me. I knew I had to get out of Arlington, away from my mother and my new stepfather, who’d already proven to be quite an asshole. I planned to make a name for myself in the army. Be a hero. Retire after I’d served my twenty years. That was the plan. It wasn’t anymore.

Life had a way of doing that to you.

But now I was being given a second chance to know Lilly, to try and be the stepbrother I never considered being, and I wasn’t going to take that lightly.

I frowned at myself in the mirror. My reflection stared back, judging me and finding me severely lacking. There was no avoiding it. I had to apologize to Lilly.

And I would.

Scratching my head, I turned away from my reflection. “I gotta go. I have to see Doc Greene in fifteen.”

“All right. See you later.” Tyler hesitated. “Tell her about last night.”

“I will,” I said.

Since coming back, Tyler had been my support system. He’d offered to let me move in with him, but he had an endless parade of women coming in and out of his apartment. It was how he coped with his PTSD, and I didn’t want to get swept into that.

I was doing just fine on my own.

Setting my phone down, I brushed my teeth, avoiding the mirror. I knew what I’d see. Dark eyes, darker hair, and a world full of fucked up in my soul.

I didn’t need to see it again.

When I got to my therapist’s office, I had two minutes to spare. She was an army doctor, but had an office in the swanky section of Arlington. Every time I came here, I worried I’d see someone from my old life. My mother. Walter.

Lilly.

So I breathed a sigh of relief as I entered into the office unseen. Walking up to the secretary, I gave her my name, showed her my DOD card, and sat down on the brown leather chair. Within minutes, the door cracked open. “Jackson, come in.”

I forced a smile and stood, walking past her. “You’re looking lovely, like usual, Doc. Gray looks good on you. It brings out your eyes.”

“Oh, you.” She waved a hand and smoothed her gray hair, her brown eyes shining with amusement. She was well into her sixties, and her husband had died in war. She’d been helping soldiers ever since. “You’re too much. Flirting with an old woman like me.”

I grinned and settled in on the couch, throwing an ankle over my knee. “I can’t help it. You make me forget all about numbers, Doc.”

Flushing, she sat. “Tell me, how’s your week been?”

“Ugh.” Dropping my head back on the couch, I sighed. “Diving right in, are we?”

“Jackson.”

“Fine, fine,” I muttered. “I didn’t tell anyone I’m back yet, but—”

“It’s been a month.”

“I know.” I hesitated. “Though, I saw Lilly last night. At the bar.”

She leaned forward. “Your stepsister.”

“Yeah…so she knows I’m back now.”

Nodding, she waved her hand. “And how did it go?”

“Nothing like I wanted it to,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck.

“You wanted to make it up to her. Show her you were a nice guy, and that you were sorry about the past. About running, and not writing back.” She tapped her pen on her knee. “I’m taking it that didn’t happen.”

“No. Because I’m not a nice guy. I’m an asshole.”

Doc tsked. “What did I tell you?”

“That I’m not an asshole.” But I was. History didn’t lie.

“Correct.” Doc nodded. “So, tell me what happened.”

“She was nice. Perfectly polite. But I was drunk, and I said some things I shouldn’t have said. Some inappropriate things.” I glanced at her quickly, not going into too much detail. “I want to make it up to her, but how can I make it right again if I can’t even manage to act like a nice guy for ten minutes with her?”

I’d told her all about our past. It kinda became necessary when it came to explaining to her why I didn’t want to tell my mother I was home. That damn kiss…and my cruel abandonment afterward. Lilly actually asked me if I had used her. She thought I was that guy. Maybe I was.

Sometimes, I wasn’t so sure.

Doc tapped her fingers on her chair arm. “I don’t know. How do you think you can do it?”

“Shit, I don’t know.” I dragged a hand down my face. “Apologize for kissing her in the first place? For never writing her back? Spend more time with her, without being a jerk? Be nice? Show her I do like her, despite my actions all those years ago?”

Doc smiled. “That’s a start. Why do you want to do these things, though?”

“She was always nice to me, even when no one else was.” I lifted a shoulder. “I want to do the same for her.”

Doc Greene nodded. “And I think that’s a great start. Spend more time with her. Show her you’ve changed, and that you’re not that boy from all those years ago. If she spends time with you, she’ll see it for herself.”

I nodded, but deep down I didn’t know that she was right. After all, I still wanted her. Even though I knew I shouldn’t, couldn’t, want her…I did.

And that was what made me such a shitty person.

“You don’t look convinced,” she said.

“It’s just…” I glanced at her, not sure how honest I wanted to be. “She’s very pretty, and there are old emotions at play. And that’s wrong, and twisted, and sick…”

Doc held up her hand. “She’s not actually your sister. Let’s get that out in the open.”

“I know. But still.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “It’s wrong, right?”

“It would be wrong to take advantage of her, or for you to make her think you want more from her than you do.” Doc sat back and pushed her glasses back into place. “But for you to spend time getting to know her—the real her—isn’t bad. Keep in mind, you’ve matured and changed over the past seven years, right?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Well, one could argue that she has, too.” Doc smiled. “You probably don’t know her as well as you think you do. Not anymore.”

I smiled. “I don’t know. She still has that hint of fire beneath her prim and proper attitude. But I don’t even know if she wants to see me again, not after last night. I don’t want to be too pushy.”

“Well, then, you’ll have to ask her—after you apologize. And try letting her show you how much she wants to get to know you, and let her decide how far it goes. Let her guide you, and you won’t go too far.”

I swallowed hard. “Okay. I will.”

“Now, about the rest of your week…”

I rubbed my forehead and yawned. “No nightmares. But I drank myself into oblivion last night, hence the stupidity I portrayed with Lilly, and got in a fight.” I winced. “So, uh, not so good, I guess?”

Doc sighed. “Not so good.”

“But I’ve been working again. I passed the psych test with flying colors. It’s a desk job in the army, handling new recruits, but it’s better than nothing, I guess.” I lifted a shoulder. “I decided that I didn’t want to leave completely. It’s my life.”

She nodded. “It’s still helping your country.”

Not really. I wasn’t out there shooting the enemy, or covering my men’s backs, so it wasn’t the same thing at all. “Yeah. Sure.”

“What about the rest of your week?”

I told her every boring detail about the rest of my week, and by the time I left, I was pretty sure we were both seconds from falling asleep. Yawning for the millionth time, I waved to the receptionist, promised to be back again at the same time and day next week, and walked back out into the sunshine. I only made it two steps before…

“Jackson?”

I stiffened. That soft, musical voice washed over me again, the effect as strong as it had been on me last night when I’d been drunk off my ass. Forcing a smile, I reminded myself to behave, to treat her like a sister and a friend, and turned. “Lilly. Hi.”

Yeah. Shit. Facing her was a mistake.

Discipline. I couldn’t forget my self-discipline.

Remain calm. Cool. Collected.

She wore a soft floral dress that hit midthigh, and the breeze kept blowing it up just enough to tease me. And her brown sandals matched her shades. She looked delectable. Especially when she smiled at me as if last night never happened. “You look like you’re feeling better.”

“I am.” I scratched my head and looked over my shoulder. We were still in front of Doc’s office, and her gentle reminder to treat Lilly nicely rang through my head. “Hey, I’m sorry for the way I acted last night. Or…might have acted.”

A small laugh escaped her. “Don’t mention it. We all drink a little bit too much sometimes. It’s no big deal.”

“Right. Good. Thanks.”

She stared at me.

I smiled back.

After a while, it occurred to me that the silence was awkward. Society dictated I say something now. Something polite and friendly. “Hey. Would you like to get coffee?”

Shit. Why did I say that?

Say no. Please say no.

“I’d love to,” she said brightly.

Well, double shit.

Chapter 4

Lilly

Jackson sat across the table from me, but he never sat still. He was constantly shifting, or moving, or glancing around as if he expected someone to come at us.

As if he was ready to fight.

The old Jackson I knew hadn’t been so restless. You would never see him fidget or pace. He just stood there, like a telephone pole in a storm, never bending. Never wavering. A strong man in the wind. It made me wonder, again, what he did over there, while he was away at war. I was beginning to see how it had changed him.

After last night, I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him. About the boy he had once been, and the man he was now.

When I was young and naive, I hadn’t believed my father when he told me Jackson used me to get kicked out of the house. To be free. But as I grew older and wiser, I realized that he had. That I had been a means to an end. And even then…

I hadn’t hated him.

How could I¸ when I wanted the same thing he did? Freedom to live my own life, the way I chose to do it, and for my father to love me and accept me as I was.

But I would never get that.

Kissing Jackson wouldn’t set me free. I needed something much bigger.

“You’re being quiet,” Jackson said, staring at me with those intense brown eyes. I’d never been a girl who swooned over brown eyes. I preferred blue, or green, or even hazel. But on Jackson, man, it just worked. “When you’re quiet, you’re usually upset about something. What are you upset about now, little girl?”

I rolled my eyes at the annoying nickname. “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”

“When it comes to you?” He leaned in, looking way too serious for so early in the day. “Believe me, I want to know about it. About all of it.”

Funny, because he hadn’t bothered to even try to speak to me in, well, seven years. But I didn’t point that out. “Why are you here, in this section of town?” I asked quickly. “I mean, I know you don’t want your mom to know you’re back and all, but why come here, then?”

He snorted. “Wow. One would think you were in the military, with that perfectly timed deflection.”

“I don’t need training for that,” I said, lifting a shoulder. “Been doing it my whole life. With Daddy, you don’t really have a choice.”

“Shit, you still call him Daddy?”

“Again. Like I have a choice? Every time I try to call him Dad, or Father, he refuses to answer me.” I stared at him, not backing down. “Why are you here?”

“I had an appointment.” He set his coffee down, flexed his jaw, and pushed back his chair so it rested on two legs instead of four. “With a head shrink.”

“Oh.”

I wasn’t sure what to say to that. Was he okay? Was it something he wanted to talk about? Probably not. I mean, who wants to delve into their head with people they hadn’t seen in seven years? At this point, I was just somebody that he used to know.

“It’s fine. I’m fine.” He tapped his fingers on the table. “I’m not having panic attacks, or suicidal thoughts, or anything like that. It’s just customary for someone like me to meet with someone once a week. And I’ve been getting evaluated, and studied, and all that shit. It goes part and parcel with”—he broke off and ran his hands down his face—“with my new desk job, and all that.”

“You have a new job?”

“I’m an army recruiter. It was either that or leave the military completely. I didn’t want to do that, so I stayed.” He slammed the legs of the chair down on the floor, leveling it again. “I might not be out there, saving guys anymore, but I’m helping others do so, and that’s gotta be enough for me.” He stopped talking and looked almost…embarrassed. As if he maybe hadn’t meant to tell me that. “It is enough.”

“It’s totally enough,” I agreed. I reached out, hesitated, but then closed my hand over his. “It’s amazing, what you’ve done. What you’re still doing. I always thought so. But why the new job if you’re not sure?”

“Well, I got shot.”

He said it so calmly. As if it didn’t matter. “Oh, my God. What? When?”

“It’s fine. It was a little over a month ago, and I obviously survived it,” he said, still tapping his fingers. “But my shooting days are over. Doc says you have to take what life throws at you and roll with it. So that’s what I’m trying to do. Roll.”

He’d done so much with his life. Seen so much. Fought. Lived. Maybe even died a little bit, out there. What had I done? Gone to school, fought a marriage and maybe lost. That kiss with him had been the single most exciting moment of my life, and he probably never even thought about it again. He was incredible; he was my first love…

And he didn’t even care.

“That’s a good way to look at it,” I said, my voice tight with all the questions I wanted to ask him, but couldn’t. Wouldn’t.

He rubbed his head and let out a breath. “Look, there’s something I need to say. It’s not easy, and I know it doesn’t fix things, but I’m sorry.”

“Okay….” I swallowed hard. “For?”

He flipped his hand over and caught my fingers, giving them a squeeze. He moved so fast I barely saw it. “That night, by the pool—we shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have egged you on, or kissed you back.”

“Then why did you?” I asked, staring at our hands.

“I don’t know. Something changed that night between us, and it was just…I couldn’t stop myself. Even though I knew that it was bad, and that if we got caught I’d be kicked out, I did it anyway. Did you get in trouble?”

“A little. Mostly, though, he blamed you. He always does.” I bit down on my tongue. “Is that what you wanted, though? To be kicked out?”

“Lilly…” He let out a long breath. “Deep down, I do think it was a rebellion, of sorts. I hated your dad. My mom wasn’t sticking up for me. And you were there, and looking at me, and I knew you…” He dragged his free hand through his hair and let out a short laugh. “Shit, it was messed up. And wrong. You were so young, too young for a guy like me, and I’m sorry I did it.”

I nodded. My heart racing. He’d answered so many questions, but I had one I still needed an answer to. “Did you want to kiss me?”

He paused. “What do you mean?”

“I mean…” I tugged free of his hold and dropped my hands into my lap. It felt safer. Having him touching me confused me and made me feel as if he was controlling the conversation, but I needed that more than he did. Needed to be in control of myself, if nothing else. “Did you even want to kiss me, or was it simply a way to get him to kick you out so you could be free to make your own choices?”

He lifted his hands. “Does it really matter? It was seven years ago. Anything I did or didn’t feel all those years ago is gone. People change. I’ve sure as hell changed. I’m sure you have, too.”

I bit down on my tongue. “I just need to know if it was just to get out, or if, deep down, you wanted to kiss me. If you…I mean, I did. Want to. Obviously.” I lifted my chin. “Did you?”

He stared at me for so long I was sure he wouldn’t answer. That he would get up and walk off without another word. It shouldn’t be so hard for him to admit it. It wasn’t dirty or wrong. We didn’t grow up as stepsiblings all our lives. The attraction was there. We acted on it. What was so bad about that?

“Shit. I…I…” He went back to tapping his fingers on the table. “Yes. I wanted to kiss you. I was eighteen, you were pretty, and sweet, and the only person who was nice to me in that house…so yeah. I wanted to. A lot.”

My heartbeat escalated, and my breathing quickened. “Okay.”

“But that doesn’t change the fact that I used you,” he said, locking gazes with me. His tapping halted. “I didn’t do it only to escape, but in the end, it did exactly that. I knew the consequences that would arise if I was caught. I took that risk, and I didn’t make sure you were okay afterward. Even though I knew you had a crush on me, I never even asked you if you were okay. And for that, I’m deeply, truly sorry. You didn’t deserve that, and I never should have done it to you. Can you forgive me?”

I swallowed and looked out the window. Guess I got my answers, and they didn’t feel too good. But at least I knew now. And he seemed sincerely sorry for it. That had to count for something. “You’re right. It was a crappy thing to do, but I get it. Even back then, I got it. You wanted out, so you did something that would achieve that. Believe me, I know that feeling all too well.”

“Why’s that?” He rocked the chair back again. He balanced so easily. Effortlessly. If I tried that, I’d probably wipe out and fall on my butt. “Are you feeling trapped by your dad and all his plans?”

Yeah. By a marriage I didn’t want, but hadn’t yet discovered a way to escape. So I played along. Acted as if I had every intention of marrying Derek. And it was killing me, because deep down, I was scared I wouldn’t come up with a way to escape it entirely.

“That’s the question of my life,” I said, laughing uneasily. “It’s okay. I am working on fixing it.”

“How? What needs to be fixed?”

I stared back at him, not answering at first. Because while I’d been looking for other ways to save my father’s company, so far, I’d come up empty-handed. Thornton Products would merge with Hastings International to become a global shipping and distribution company that would be unstoppable. The cash influx that Derek’s father would bring Hastings International would save our struggling company, and our global trading rights to unlimited countries would help Thornton Products expand their reach.

But for that to happen, the families had to unite. And if they didn’t…the companies would both fail. And thousands of innocent people would be unemployed.

Because of my refusal to marry Derek Thornton III.

If it came down to it, and the only way to save thousands of workers from unemployment was to marry the guy…could I really say no? Could I really walk away?

I wasn’t so sure I could, or would, and that terrified me.

“Everything. All of it.”

He watched me, as if waiting for me to elaborate, but when I didn’t, he let the chair fall to the floor again. “If you ever need to talk, just let me know. Despite my actions in the past, I do care about you. And I’d like for us to be friends.”

“Thank you,” I said, forcing a smile. “But this is a battle I have to fight on my own.”

“Okay. But if that ever changes…”

He didn’t continue on. He didn’t have to.

We stared at one another, neither of us speaking.

After a while, he shifted his weight on his chair and glanced over his shoulder. “I forgot how nice it is, in this section of town.”

“How long are you going to stay at your…motel?”

He chuckled. “It loosely qualifies as that.”

I laughed a little. “Yeah. It’s…interesting.”

“Totally.” He turned back to me. “However long it takes to get a place of my own. I’m saving up money, and the room is super cheap, so it helps.”

I hesitated. I got that, I did, but it was just so…different from what he was used to. To what we were both used to. And I didn’t like knowing he was in an area where you were as likely to be mugged as you were to trip on a stone. “Isn’t there anyone else you can stay with?”

“My buddy Tyler offered, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking him up on it.” His brow furrowed. “He’s a good guy and all, but he’s kinda heavy on the party scenes, and I’m trying to cut back. Contrary to what you saw last night, I’m trying to not make it a habit to go out and get drunk. I just kind of slipped.”

I nodded, wishing I could help him. I wanted to see him get out of there, but what could I do about it if he refused to tell our parents he was home? “I didn’t think you were constantly out partying, for what it’s worth. And thank you for helping me last night.”

“It’s the least I could do considering…” He gestured toward her with his hand. “Well, all things considered. You know.”

The fact that he felt so bad about what he’d done, for so many years, showed me just how much he had changed. The old Jackson hadn’t cared. He’d walked away without even looking slightly sorry. But this one? The one in front of me? He was different.

And he deserved a second chance.

“What about telling your mom you’re back?” I picked up my coffee. “Would it really be so bad?”

“I’m not ready.” He bounced his knee. “I won’t go down that road till I’m ready, and that’s that. I need more time.”

More time for what, I didn’t know.

But it wasn’t any of my business.

“Okay.” I smiled at him, and he blinked at me, as if I’d surprised him. “Your secret is safe with me. I promise not to ruin it.”

Reaching out, he cupped my cheek and smiled back at me. “Thank you. You’re even more beautiful than before, Lilly. Both inside and out.”

I pressed against his hand without really intending to. But his palm against my skin felt…good. Right. As if it should have been there all along. And I knew my feelings for him hadn’t died. He might have changed, and he might not want me anymore, but I wanted him. And if I had even the tiniest sign that he still wanted me, too?

Nothing would stop me from having him.

“Thanks, Jackson. You, too.”

Staring at his hand on my cheek as if he wasn’t sure how it got there, he pushed his chair back and stood, withdrawing his touch. “Look, it’s been great catching up, and I’m happy we got to clear the air. I am. But I have to go.”

“It was nice seeing you again,” I said softly. “If you ever need anything, let me know.”

He nodded, waved, grabbed his coffee, and walked out of my life.

Again.