Текст книги "Rule"

Автор книги: Jay Crownover

Соавторы: Jay Crownover
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Текущая страница: 19 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

“That’s a lot to take in mom and I’m not sure what you expect from me after telling me all that.”

She swiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand and gave me a rueful grin.  “I don’t expect anything but I do want you to know that your dad and I are committed to putting this family back together, including Shaw.  I know you’re mad she didn’t tell you about Remy but I also saw the way you two were looking at each other.  I saw the way you were with her Rule and I know you have never been like that with anyone else.  She has always thought that you were worthy and in need of love even when you did your absolute best to convince the rest of the world that you weren’t interested in being loved.  I just think you should consider that before deciding to walk away from her for good.”

Was my mom, the woman that had made it her mission for the last three years to make sure I knew I was the lowest form of humanity trying to give me relationship advice?  Was she seriously trying to tell me to try again with Shaw?

“She actually walked away from me.  She told me that trying wasn’t enough, that she needed to know that I loved her for sure and I just couldn’t do that.  I don’t know that we’re ultimately good for each other.”

My mom reached across the table and grabbed my hand that was resting by the cup.  I nearly jumped out of my skin.

“She needs your strength and you need her to teach you how to love.  She comes from a really awful group of people; Rule.  She needs someone that can stand by her while she deals with that and you need someone that’s not scared of you, someone that can love all the different parts of you and not ask you to change any of them.  She’s done it for years even if you didn’t know it.  She was loyal to your brother, she kept his secret even though it caused problems between the two of you, and she’ll be loyal to you too.”

We sat in silence while her words washed over me.  I just didn’t know what to say but I did know that things weren’t the same without Shaw in my life.  The last couple months had been hallow.  I didn’t just miss her in my bed, which I did…a lot, I missed her in the morning when I had breakfast, I missed hearing from her in the afternoon and sending her naughty little text messages that I knew made her blush, I missed her coming by the shop for dinner and hanging out while she did her homework.  I just missed her and things weren’t as good as they were when she was around.

“I have to say this was one of the more surprising birthday’s I’ve ever had.”

“You deserve some peace and I need to be responsible for the part I’ve played in making it so hard for you to recognize true and honest to God love when it’s staring you in the face.”

“I need to go.”  I pushed away from the table and looked down at her.  I was grateful she didn’t get to her feet and try and hug me because I was nowhere near ready for that but when she offered me up a small smile I didn’t hesitate to grin back at her.

“Thanks mom.”

“You should have great things Rule, including a happy and whole family.”

“One step at a time mom.”

I was walking out of the shop when I almost plowed over the tiny brunette that had been checking me out the last time I was here.  I grabbed her upper arms to steady her and let her go so I could move past her.  What I needed to do, who I needed to get to was suddenly so clear it was the light at the end of the tunnel and I knew, just knew that if I could make it right the darkness wouldn’t pull me under anymore.

“Sorry.”  I was going to move around her but she counteracted my move and put herself back squarely in my path.  I frowned down at her while she batted long eyelashes up at me.

“No girlfriend this time, isn’t that just a shame?”  I recoiled because this is what was out there, girls that would flirt with me, girls that would go home with me knowing I was seeing someone.  It wasn’t enough anymore.  I deserved better.

“I’m actually on my way to go get her now.”

The brunette tried to pout prettily but it did nothing for me.

“I would never have guessed you and Shaw would end up as a thing.  She’s been frigid since high school and I thought she was in love with your brother.  Doesn’t it freak you out being a replacement?”

Normally something like that would have made me see red, would have made my damn head explode but I got it now, this girl was nothing, her opinion didn’t matter and her misinformation was just laughable.  I was done letting anyone, including a clueless stranger use Remy as a weapon against me.

“I gotta run.  Next time I’ll be sure to go in the opposite direction if I see you coming.”  She gasped in outrage but I didn’t care I was too busy sliding around her and sending a text to Cora to find out if Shaw was still hanging around her house.  I wasn’t guaranteed an answer back because the girls had bonded and Cora was all for me staying the hell away from Shaw but maybe because it was my birthday she shot back that Shaw and Ayden had both worked a day shift today so they should be at the house.  I would prefer to say what I had to say to Shaw without an audience considering Ayden wasn’t exactly my biggest fan right now.  I was however willing to pick her up and move her out of my way if she didn’t let me get to my girl.

It was late afternoon by the time I got back to the city.  I was glad I had taken the day off considering all the unexpected and life changing revelations I had been fielding all day.  I was supposed to meet up with the guys for dinner and then I was having a pseudo party at Cerberus.  Jet’s band was playing and all my friend’s and some of my regular clients were swinging by for a drink or two.  It was lame that Rome was already gone, but we had grown so much closer while he was here I told him repeatedly I would just drink his share as well as my own so that he could be here in spirit still.  All I knew was that it wouldn’t be any kind of celebration until I got to Shaw and told her what I had to say.

When I got to Cora’s house my nerves started to act up.  If this was the last chance I had to make this work, if she still sent me on my way I wasn’t sure how I would handle it.  There was a good chance that Shaw was going to break my heart and that was big and scary because I didn’t even know I had a heart to break before she came along.  I skirted past a brand spanking new Porsche SUV and was relieved to see that Ayden’s Jeep was nowhere in sight.  I could hear music coming from inside the house.  She was listening to The Heartless Bastards and the sentiment made me chuckle as I rang the doorbell.  I had to wait a good five minutes before the music went down and I saw the blinds next to the door twitch.  I was proud of her for not just opening it without checking to see who it was, but my nerves ratcheted up even higher when after seeing that it was me she took another few minutes to pull the door open.

When she did I stopped breathing and forgot everything I wanted to say.  She was obviously on her way out somewhere.  She had on a super tight, super short black dress that made the green in her eyes electric and the pale blond of her hair glow around her head like a halo.  I obviously interrupted her because she was bare foot and didn’t have any makeup but had her hair all curled up in a complicated style.  She still looked so perfect it was enough to make my eyes hurt. The idea that she might be going on a date with someone else immediately crashed into all my hard won resolve and made my back teeth snap together.

“Hey.”  It wasn’t eloquent or romantic but I was having a hard time not over thinking this and she didn’t seem to mind.  She shivered in her almost nonexistent outfit and took a step away from the door.

“Come in.  It’s cold out.”

I followed her into the house and was relieved when she went into the kitchen and pulled out a beer for me.  It gave me something to do with my hands and a minute to get my head together.

“It’s not much of a present but it’s the best I can do on short notice.  Happy birthday Rule.”

“Thanks, are you uhh headed out somewhere?”  I let my hungry gaze travel from the top of her shiny head to the tips of her bright red painted toes; she was working towards being all healed up and looked like everything I ever wanted with a few bruises and bumps thrown in to remind me how close I had come to losing her all together.  “You look very nice.”

She grinned sheepishly and twirled the ends of her hair around her finger.  “I was getting ready to go out later.”

“Oh well I won’t take up too much of your time then.  I just wanted to talk to you real quick.”

She leaned up against the kitchen counter while I took a seat at one of the kitchen table chairs.

“Ayden forgot about something she had to do for her I-Chem class so she won’t be back for a couple hours and Cora doesn’t get off until seven.  We’re going to dinner.”

I was so happy to hear that she didn’t have a date with another guy that I let out an audible sigh that had her raising a pale eyebrow at me.

“What did you want to talk to me about Rule?  It’s nice to see you and all but I have to say I’m kinda surprised you’re here.”

I wanted to tell her that I needed her, that I wasn’t the same without her, that she was my entire world but what fell out of my mouth was, “I had coffee with my mom today.”

I saw her eyes get big.  “Wow.  That’s huge.”

“She found me at Remy’s grave.  I was alternately chewing him out and telling him how much I miss him.  I go every year on our birthday.  Did you know that dad threatened to leave her if she didn’t go get some help?”

She bit her bottom lip and it took every ounce of self-control I had not to climb up and replace her teeth with my own.

“I didn’t know that’s what Dale told her but I knew it was bad.  They’re used to you pulling away but having Rome shut them out and refuse to let them see him off really did some damage.  I’m glad it’s helping.  You guys are a family, you need each other.”

“That’s the thing Shaw; I never thought I did until you.  I never thought I needed anyone or anything until you got into my head and started breaking down all the walls I had built around all my feelings.”

We stared at each other in a tense silence.  Until she sighed softly and uttered, “I’m not sorry.  It’s not a bad thing to feel, it’s not awful to care about other people.”

I watched her carefully.  I couldn’t tell how she was feeling and it made laying it all out on the line for her even more frightening.  “No it’s not bad but it scares the hell out of me.  I never had anything to lose before and losing you nearly undid me.”

She sucked in a sharp breath and I saw a myriad of emotions cross her eyes and face.  “It undid me too.”

I shoved hands through my hair and met her gaze trying to let her see everything I was feeling.  I wasn’t good at expressing this kind of emotion and it was frustrating me.  “I want you to know that there’s been no one but you Shaw.  You’ve got me running in circles and so wound up there could never be anyone but you.  I miss you.  I know you want undying declarations of love, I know trying isn’t an option that I just have to do it but I want you and I need you and more importantly I get that you need me too.  Not some watered down synthetic version of me that makes being together easier but the fully leaded, hard to handle me that you can lean on because I’m strong Shaw and I’m not going to let anyone, your family especially, devalue all the wonderful things you have to give.”

I got to my feet and walked to where she was leaning.  She had enormous eyes and I could see her chest moving up and down frantically with rapid breaths.  She still hadn’t said anything so I pulled the pen I had stashed in my back pocket out and laid my hand out.  “I’m not Jet so I can’t write you a song that makes you understand how important you are to me.  I’m not Nash so I can’t find a building and paint you a mural that makes see that it all starts and ends with you for me.”  She placed her hand palm up in mine and didn’t look away as I bent my head and began to do a quick sketch with the ball-point across her super pale skin.  “I’m a tattoo artist, I’ll probably always be a tattoo artist and I don’t know how that plays into your future or the future you have planned after school and frankly I don’t care.  This is what I have to offer you Shaw and just like you let me be your first, I’m letting you be mine,” I covered her entire palm with a detailed drawing of a sacred heart, it matched the one I had inked on the center of my chest.  It had flames dancing up the back, a crown of thorns on top of it, a spray of roses along the bottom and in the center I drew a scrolling banner with my name in the center.  “Here’s my heart Shaw.  You have it in your hands and I promise you’re the first and last person to ever touch it.  You need to be careful with it because it’s far more fragile than I ever thought and if you try and give it back I’m not taking it.  I don’t know enough about love to know for sure that’s what this between us is, but I know that for me it’s you and only you from here on out and I can only promise to be careful and not push you away again.  Life without you in it is doable, but if I have a choice I want to do it with you by my side and I’m telling you I’m not running away from the work it takes to make that happen.  Shaw I’m not scared of us anymore.

When I was done I was breathless but I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders because even if she rejected me at least she knew how I felt.  I let go of her hand and she curled her fingers around the drawing that covered her palm.  When I lifted my eyes to hers I was a little surprised to see tears shining in the emerald depths.  She put the hand that I didn’t draw all over on the side on my face and ran her thumb over my bottom lip, pausing at the hoop.  Her mouth crooked up on one side and just like that I knew everything was going to be alright.

“I was going to crash your birthday party tonight.”  We were close but still separated by a few feet.  I couldn’t look away from her and she opened her other hand and put it on my chest over where the heart matching the one I just gave her laid.  “That’s where I was going later.”

“I would have been happy to see you.”

She smiled a little brighter.  “I decided the other day that I had to stop deciding how things were going to happen before giving them a chance to play out.  You shut me out Rule but only because I let you.  I was so worried about what you were doing, about what would happen I just let you close the door and when you wanted to pull it back open I was so scared of how bad being without you hurt that I just didn’t want to give it space to happen again.  That wasn’t fair to either of us.  I’m not afraid of the work or us anymore either and I promise to not let you shove me away again.  I do need you Rule and you are the only thing I have ever wanted just for me.  I should have tried harder to hold onto you because you’re right, I need to be careful with this,” she tapped her palm with the heart on it against the one pounding under my skin.  “It’s precious and the best gift I could ever ask for.”

I wrapped my arms tight around her and lifted her off her feet.  I wanted to kiss her, wanted to do all the things I had spent two months missing out on doing to her, I wanted to make her forget Davenport’s cruel hands and imprint on her every single thing I felt about her but just as I was about to put my mouth on hers she pulled back and shook her head.

“If you start that there is no way you’re going to make dinner and your party with everyone tonight.”

She was right but I didn’t care.  I had her and that was the only present I wanted.  It must have shown on my face because she pressed a boring closed mouth kiss on my lips and wiggled out of my grasp.  “I love you Rule, I really do and I have something I want to give you for your birthday but it has to wait until later when we’re alone and the threat of Ayden or Cora bounding in isn’t a likely scenario so go have fun with the guys.  I’ll see you at the bar later and then we can celebrate in private.”

I pouted.  That’s right I pouted like a little kid denied his favorite toy which in a way I was.  We had been apart too long.  I needed to touch her, needed to get my hands on her but she wasn’t cooperating at all.  “Come on Shaw, just a little kiss.  It’s my birthday and I missed you so bad.”  I sounded whiny and not badass at all but I could tell she was about to cave in by the way she slithered a little closer to me but the moment was ruined when the lock on the front door jingled and a moment later Ayden came sweeping through in all her long legged, dark haired glory.  She took one look at me and Shaw and grinned.

“Halleluiah!  It’s about time you two idiots figured out that you were made for each other.”

Shaw laughed and shook her head.  She gave me another brief kiss and moved away.  “Tonight.  I promise it’ll be worth the wait.”  I begrudgingly agreed even though I still wanted to make out but she clearly wouldn’t be swayed and I had to admit my curiosity was peaked as to what kind of gift she wanted to give me in private.  I went home and took a shower, a freezing cold one and got ready for the night.  I didn’t want to drink too much because there was no way I was letting booze inhibit my reunion with my girl.  I had never give much credence to the fact that being with someone you cared about making sex so much better but it was true.

The guys took me to the Buckhorn Exchange so we could gnaw on giant pieces of wild game like cavemen and act like a bunch of general jackasses and now that things were back on track with Shaw I felt lighter and happier than I had in months and they could tell.  They all gave me shit endlessly about my chronic bad mood and advanced levels of dickheadness but I could tell they were relieved and grateful that I was back where I needed to be.  Dinner was fun but I was ready to get on with night so I could take Shaw home and have some proper make up sex to cement this as the best birthday ever.

The bar was packed wall to wall with people trying to wish me a happy birthday.  Even Uncle Phil had come out for the occasion.  I accepted pats on the back and hugs as I looked for a particular blond head in the crowd.  It took some skill to avoid shot after shot getting shoved in my direction but I managed to do it when I caught sight of a shimmer of white and black near the stage.  Shaw was posted up front with Ayden and Cora and it irked me to no end that Jet was already at the table getting his flirt on with the beautiful brunette.  Ignoring everyone else calling my name and clamoring for my attention I scooped my girl up even though she was in really tall heels and for once almost on a similar level with me and sealed my mouth over hers.  I didn’t care that she muttered a startled protest.  I wanted a kiss and it was my birthday so I was getting a damn kiss from this girl that was my world.

She wiggled a little until she could get her hands in my hair and I made sure it was worth her while as I stroked across her yielding tongue with my own.  She gave a little moan and I moved a hand to her ass pressing as hard into her as I could until I became aware of the roar of catcalls and applause surrounding us.  I lifted my head which left us both breathless and panting and was greeted by a standing ovation from pretty much every single person in the bar.  I shared a shocked look with Shaw and we simultaneously burst out laughing.  I took a brief bow with she curtsied making everyone else laugh along with us as she pressed back up against me to give me another kiss that turned my head to mush.  The combination of a few beers, her soft mouth and that ridiculously short dress was enough to have me cutting out of my own party early.  We hung out long enough for Jet to get on strange and sing me happy birthday and for me to instruct Nash to maintain a low profile when he came home as well as grab whatever gifts I had collected from people and then I was hustling Shaw out the door well before midnight.

We held hands in the truck on the way home and made small talk about what we had been up to in our time apart.  I was glad to hear that she was pretty much doing the same things I was and that she was handling the situation with Gabe in a professional and no nonsense matter.  She was amazing and I was truly lucky to have her as mine.

When I let her into the apartment I was ready to just drag her to the bedroom and have my way with her but she kicked off her sexy heels and padded to the kitchen to grab us a couple drinks.  I was anxious and aroused but I didn’t want to push her so I followed her to the couch and took the beer she handed me.  She sat facing me and reached out to put her hands in my hair.  It felt nice but there were plenty of other places I wanted her hands so I asked her, “Why are you always playing with my hair?”

“Because you change it so much and it always feels different.  This is the first time it’s all natural and I can’t believe how soft it is.”

“I thought you liked the hawk?”

“I do.  I like it however it is but when it’s normal like this it makes you look more approachable.”

She seemed nervous which was weird.  This was an area we had never had any issues with before so I wasn’t sure what to do to put her at ease.  I clicked the neck of my beer against hers and gave her a lopsided grin.  “Happy birthday to me.”

She smiled back and shifted so that her hair slid forward.  “So I need to tell you something before you get your present.”

Her tone was pretty serious so my mind immediately went to all the worst possibilities, there had been someone else while we were apart, Gabe had hurt her worse than anyone knew and she wasn’t ready for intimacy yet, she didn’t really want to be in a relationship with me, she was moving to Peru and it took every single ounce of self-control I had not to freak out and ruin whatever progress we made today.

“Alrighty hit me with it.”

“It’s kind of embarrassing.”

“Shaw I’m dying here.  Just talk to me.”  She put her beer down and scooted closer to me on the couch which pulled the hem of her dress tantalizingly up her pale thighs.  If she didn’t spit it out soon I was taking her to bed regardless and we could just hash it out in the morning.  She put a hand on either side of my face and pulled me down so that we were literally eye to eye.

“All that stuff about being nice and trying to be someone different to make being together easier applies to the bedroom too, right?”

I felt my eyebrows shoot up and I tugged on her tiny waist until she was straddling my lap.  “What are you getting at Casper?  Just spit it out.”

She made a face and I saw her skin heat to a pretty shade of hot pink.  “Nice Rule, the Rule that goes with this hair is boring in bed, I don’t like him.  I just want normal Rule back and everything that comes with him.  It’s been awhile so I just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page.”

I barked out a laugh and gave her a squeeze while working my hands up under the material of her dress to get a handful of her very bitable ass.  “I can’t decide if I should be thrilled or insulted.”

She leaned forward so that our mouths were almost touching.  “I just want you.”

I grunted in response and decided the time for talk was over.  She gave a squeal of surprise when I climbed to my feet with her still in my arms.  She shifted her legs so she was wrapped around my waist and twined her arms around my neck in a loose hold.

“The present giving can take place in the bedroom I assume.”  She didn’t answer but instead started to kiss all along the side of my neck.  It made my blood thunder in my ears and I wasn’t sure I was going to make it to the bed when her sharp little teeth clamped down on my ear and she started whispering every dirty thing I ever wanted to hear into my ear.  I kicked the door shut with the heel of my boot and kissed her all the way down to the black comforter on my bed.  Her legs parted and I found myself cradled in the only place I wanted to be ever again.  I hooked a finger in her very tiny panties and striped them off.  Had I known how little she was wearing under that short dress I wouldn’t have made it even half way through the party.  We both groaned at the first press of skin on skin as she grabbed the back of my t-shirt and pulled it off over my head.  We still had enough clothes that I could kiss her and kiss her, and rub against her with delicious friction while winding us both up to the point we were panting and straining against each other in the most enjoyable way.  I was glad she didn’t want it soft and gentle, glad she could take whatever I threw at her because it had been too long and I felt like the top of my head was going to come off.  I made a guttural noise of protest when she maneuvered free and pushed me over onto my back.  Knowing she was naked under her dress had me itching to get my hands on everything that was damp and achy but she had other ideas.

She was messing with my belt buckle and telling me to take my boots off but apparently I was too slow to comply because she had it all handled and I was spread out below her in nothing but my birthday suit in no time flat.  She turned her back to me and asked me to undo the zipper that ran from her shoulder blades to the base of her spine.  I was eager to oblige her especially when all the black material covering her satiny skin puddled in a pool on the floor at her ankles.  I ran my fingers along the pronounced ridge of her spine and was pleased to watch a trail of goose bumps follow in the wake.  She looked over her shoulder at me and I felt my heart turnover at the mischief in her gaze.

“So I actually got your present a while ago, before we started having problems which was lucky I guess because now they’re healed and you can actually touch them.”  She pulled her long hair up in one hand and turned to face me as my curiosity peaked because she had her arm across her naked chest which made her climb back up on the bed so that she was straddling my waist interesting and fun to watch and had my erection sticking up like a led pipe between the two of us.  She dropped her arm and my eyes snapped as wide as they could.  I was pretty sure I was drooling because while Shaw was the most beautiful woman in the world to me, Shaw sporting nipple rings, naked and on top of me was enough to make my brain short circuit and all remaining blood in my body shoot right between my legs.

“Oh man that is so fucking hot.”

She laughed a little which turned to a whimper when I circled the cool metal with a finger.  “That’s my birthstone.”  The jewel in the center of the ring was a shiny, pretty bluish-green aquamarine, delicate and pretty just like her.

She hissed out a breath when I tugged on the ring softly and I saw her eyes droop a little in pure unadulterated desire.  I knew better than anyone how much intimate piercings could enhance a sexual experience and I would make it my personal mission in life to show Shaw everything I had ever learned.  She bent down for a kiss.

“Happy birthday Rule, I’m giving you me for now and forever and if you want to give me back I’m not going.”

I flipped us back over and kissed her like it was the end of the world, kissed her like we would never get to kiss again, kissed her like, well like I loved her and was never going to let her go.  The slide of tongues and press of my lip ring imprinted on her how much I missed her.  The bite of teeth left marks that let the world know we were claimed, the press of nails into tender skin had both of us breathing hard and by the time I got my hands between her legs and my mouth on that pretty jewelry decorating even prettier nipples we were both a wild tangle of grasping need and less than tender groping.  I felt her nails break skin on the curve above my ass as I worked her into a frenzy with my hands and mouth but I wasn’t nearly done.  We had been apart too long and the weeks before I was trying so hard to be something I wasn’t that I had tainted something that was amazing between us and I wanted to erase all of that, only my girl had other ideas.

“Rule,” She had one hand pulling on my hair and the other reaching between us in search of my cock that was throbbing insistently between our stomachs.  “While I appreciate the foreplay and the fact that nice Rule is clearly gone if you don’t fuck me in the next two seconds I’m going to scream.  It’s been too long.”

Her eyes were bright and shiny and while I would have liked to get her off at least once before unleashing all my pent up sexual frustration on her it didn’t look like she was going to give me a choice in the matter.  I grunted because her fingers curled around my dick and slid across the skin stretched tight by the barbells and my rampant erection.  She wasn’t playing fair so I lifted myself up in a vertical push up so that I was poised at her burning hot entrance and let her guide me home.  We both went still at the initial contact, the absolute perfection of the two of us together like this was just a lot to take in and we had to give it a minute to sink in.  She hitched her hips up and I slid all the way in until both of us let out a different swear word.  It wasn’t slow and sweet, more like frantic and wild but it was wonderful and so damn hot I thought we were going to burn each other up.  The brush of the metal in her tight nipples made me growl every time they brushed against my chest and I could feel it every time the top ball on the head of my cock hit her clit because her body bowed up and her breathing got choppy and wild.  It was the kind of sex I could only have with her and when I felt her come apart around me I realized I might not really know what love was on my end, but I could recognize it so clearly shining out of her when she looked at me that I couldn’t help but feel she had to see the same thing when I looked at her.  I picked up the pace felt her run her hands up and down my back and grab onto my ass and then shattered into a brilliant mess that I didn’t want to ever put back together.