Текст книги "Rule"

Автор книги: Jay Crownover

Соавторы: Jay Crownover
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Текущая страница: 16 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

My knees were freezing and my pants had long since soaked through.  My teeth were chattering and I had quickly learned that super cold weather and nipple piercings were not exactly a great combo.

“I have a crazy ex that is in turn stalking me and harassing me and it’s making my life hell.  My parents are convinced I should marry him and move to Cherry Hills, Rule hates him and there’s a good chance if the ex keeps it up is going to murder him and it just makes things that are already complicated and no fun even more awful.  I have a sneaky suspicion that if you had been around you would have seen through all Gabe’s polish and shine to the tarnish underneath and I wouldn’t have ever ended up in this situation in the first place.  I miss having you protect me from myself, your brother is all about keeping me safe and I think he really honestly cares but he’s so busy keeping me safe from everyone, himself included that I don’t think he sees that I can be my own worst enemy and he keeps talking about messing things up between us and I don’t have the heart to tell him that he can’t ever mess up bad enough to make me stop loving him, but there is a good chance that like everyone else he’s going to see what I have to offer isn’t all that great and want more than I can give.  It’s so convoluted and twisted I can’t even believe we got as far as we have.”

I laughed a little, real laughter this time and a couple standing by a grave a few feet away gave me a dirty look.

“I got drunk on my birthday and threw myself at him.  I was terrified the entire time he was going to turn me down, to claim that he was taking advantage of me because I was drunk but it happened and I totally gave up the v-card to your twin.  Somehow I know you would find that hysterical and never let me live it down.  You were right I was always just waiting for him to get with the program and now that he has, well let me just say the program is amazing and I have a hard time seeing a future without it or without him.”

I pressed a kiss to the stiff leather of the glove and placed it on his name.  “Every day Rem, every single day something reminds me of you, makes me think of things I want to tell you, makes want to cry because of what happened to you.  Every day I miss you and right now when I need you more than I ever I try to make decisions, try to go in a direction that I know would make you proud, would make you smile for me but it’s hard.”

I stayed for a few more minutes until the tears were nothing more than icy trials on my cheeks then climbed to my feet.  I rested a hand on the top of the gravestone and said a final goodbye while trying to get my composure back in order.  When I got into the car Ayden had hijacked the radio and Lady Antebellum was twanging it up but she turned it all the way down as I got behind the steering wheel and peeled off my gloves.

“Everything okay?”

I nodded and held my frozen hands over the heater, wishing I had one big enough to dry the legs of my jeans.  “Yeah it’s just sad.  I miss him a lot.  We used to talk every single day sometimes for hours and hours.  I feel lost without him so much of the time and I think he’s the only one that would make sense of how hard it is to get a handle on Rule.  They were very different but still essentially the same at the core, good men with a strong sense of self and loyalty.”

“It’s obvious you cared deeply for him so why didn’t the two of you ever hook up?  It seems like it would have been an obvious match.”

I smiled ruefully and headed back toward the city.  “Because we didn’t feel that way about each other.  He knew I was in love with Rule at times he encouraged it, at times he tried everything to talk me out of it but he knew it and for the most part respected it and he was in love someone else, someone very unlike me.  Remy was the life of the party, he had a million friends and everyone wanted to be around him all the time but he was really private when it came to his love life.  Rome and Rule burned through girls at a rate that is honestly alarming but Remy played it close to the chest and I think he let people believe we had a thing going for so long because it kept them from asking questions he didn’t want to answer.  He didn’t want the comparison to his brother’s and his parents loved me so it was just easier for him to play along than deal with the hassle.”

“That doesn’t seem like it was very fair to you.  If he knew you were in love with Rule the whole time why would he purposely let him believe you and he were a couple?”

Rule asked me that same question all the time even though he wasn’t armed with the knowledge that I had been in love with him for so long and I hated that I couldn’t answer it for him.  Remy’s secrets weren’t mine to tell even if it strained things between us.

“He had his reasons and at the time I understood them, now I guess I didn’t see how damaging they could be but at the end of the day he saved me from a high school life that would have been miserable and a family that treats me like furniture so I don’t mind suffering for him in the slightest.  You would have liked him, everyone did.  As moody and difficult as Rule can be, Rem was just the opposite.  He was always affable, smiling and happy he just wanted to have a good time and make sure everyone else did too.  When he graduated he was supposed to go to California on a football scholarship, he was good, better than good but he turned it down because if he had to play in order to stay in school than that took the fun out of the game for him.  Rule moved to Denver with Nash and Remy left with them.  The guys went to work in the shop as soon as they had their diplomas, Remy screwed around trying figure out what he wanted to do.  Eventually he got hooked up with a high-end event planning company throwing swanky parties and doing black tie events, it was his niche and he never talked about college again.  He made good money, loved living in the city, had a great relationship with his brother’s and his family, was involved in a relationship with someone that made him smile and act like a giddy kids, plus I had just moved here for freshman year when he died.  It sucked and it totally wasn’t fair, everything was right where he wanted it and he was taken away from it all because of a stupid accident.”

“That’s just tragic.”  I could hear the emotion in her voice.

“It is.”  I agreed because that was all I could do.  By the time we got to the salon we were both beyond ready for a little pick me up and I decided that a hot stone massage was definitely in order.

We got pampered and all loosened up.  Maybe too loose because when it came time to touch up my hair I had him take the chunk in my bangs and make it almost black instead of the subtle light brown it had been.  I had him do the same to the underside fall of my long hair so that I had almost a checkerboard effect going on.  It was edgy and dramatic, there was no way to miss it and the black made the green of my eyes iridescent.  I really liked and so did everyone else apparently because as soon as we got out of the salon I had a bunch of girls around the same age as us stop and ask where I had it done.

Ayden and I went and got some lunch and decided to grab a cocktail at a bar close to the apartment.  I glanced at my phone and notice Rule had texted and asked how I was doing.  I frowned and shot back that everything was fine.  I waited for him to demand to know where I had been all day, to ask what I was up to but instead he just answered back that was good and wanted to know what time to come over tonight.  My stomach knotted and I felt something awful rise up in the back of my throat.  He was only being nice, only being thoughtful but I hated it and I wanted it to stop so I texted:

–       I think I have a migraine coming on.  Ayden isn’t working tonight so I think we’ll just have a girl’s night at home with a stupid move and some popcorn so you can go out with your friends or whatever.

I wanted him to tell me that was stupid.  That of course he would come over but I got back:

–       Alright.  Let me know if you need anything for your head.  Keep your door locked I still don’t trust Davenport.

I wanted my Rule back.  I wanted him to get mad at me, I wanted him to throw all that attitude he normally toted around at me but I got none of it.  All I got was quiet acquiescence and easy agreeability, things that my Rule knew nothing about.  Angry and not sure why or what to do about it I tossed the phone into my purse and ordered us another round of drinks.

“What’s wrong now?”

“Nothing.”

“Come on Shaw.  I’ve been with you all day; tell me what’s really going on, the boobs, the hair and the freezing visit to the grave something is behind it all.  You make me talk when I don’t want to so spill it.”

I sighed dejectedly and twirled the straw around in my drink.  “I told Rule not to come over tonight because I was getting a migraine.”

“Which I assume is not true.”

“No and it don’t really want him to stay away I just wanted him to do what he normally does and throw a fit, to act temperamental and bossy, to tell me he’s coming over whether I like it or not because he wants to.  Instead he just says okay like it’s no big deal and I don’t know what to do with it.  It’s not like he can’t be sweet and nice when he wants to but that’s just not his default.  He’s complicated and argumentative but lately all he wants to do is smile and nod like I can do no wrong.  It weirds me out and it just isn’t like him so I don’t know what to do about it.”

“Maybe try being stoked that your boyfriend sounds awesome?”

I tried to smile because I knew she was just kidding but I didn’t have the heart for it.  “It’s not just when we talk or I ask him to do things, it’s in bed too.  Normally it’s all out of control passion and mind numbing orgasm after orgasm but lately it’s been a lot more like may I do this, and is it okay if I do that, and how does this make you feel, and are you okay with this?  He’s never been the type to ask for permission, he takes what he wants and by the end makes sure you want it twice as bad, it’s starting to really freak me out because I don’t even know how to talk to him about it without sounding like a paranoid lunatic.”

“Well you have to talk to him about it.  You can’t just keep expecting him to act one way while he’s doing something entirely different or you’re both just going to be disappointed.”

I knew she was right but that didn’t mean I had the first clue how to go about it.  “Whatever happened between him and Gabe after my car got trashed is what started it.  He left the apartment one way and came back as a stranger.”

“I know a couple people who were walking to class when it happened.  They said it looked like Rule was going to tear Gabe apart but then he let him go and a security guard broke it up so I don’t know what could have triggered such a strange reaction in him.”

“I don’t either but I hate it and it’s just one more reason to curse Gabe and how he has managed to interfere in my life.”

I was feeling pretty down so we had a few more cocktails than planed and then Ayden decided that since we were already bombed that we should make good on the girls night.  We ordered wings to go from the bar and hiked home since we were only four blocks away and I could just get dropped off at the car in the morning.  We stumbled in and crashed on the couch.  We watched three sappy, romantic comedies back to back, polished off the wings with a bottle of wine, indulged in ice cream and popcorn and laughed hysterically at things that were not remotely funny.  It wasn’t until I finally crawled into bed hours later that I realized that I hadn’t called Rule or even sent a message to let him know what I was doing all night long.  I think my heart cracked a little when I looked at the screen of my phone and it reflected back no missed calls or new messages.  He hadn’t even bothered with a goodnight or an I miss you.

I tossed the phone somewhere on the floor, careful this time not to hurl it at the wall and crawled under the covers.  I assumed since I was pretty plastered that sleep would suck me under in no time but I was wrong.  I tossed and turned for over two hours until I finally gave up and realized I wasn’t going to sleep unless I changed something.  I had spent the last month cozied up next to Rule’s solid bulk and sleeping in an empty bed when I was feeling shitty just didn’t hold the same appeal.  I shoved the covers aside and rummaged through one of the dresser drawers that Rule had started stashing some of his things in when he stayed over.  I found his favorite Defiance Ohio t-shirt and striped down and put it on.  It was worn, soft and mostly it reminded me of him so when I crawled back into bed I finally fell into a fitful rest knowing that I had to get a handle on whatever was going on before I went crazy or turned into an insomniac lush.

Chapter 15

Rule

“Hey you gotta a minute?”  I looked up from the drawing of an old school pirate ship I was working on when my brother’s voice surprised me from the doorway of my room.  I was concentrating so hard that I hadn’t heard him come in and my mind was a million miles away because for the second night in a row Shaw had come up with some lame ass excuse to hang by herself rather than with me and it was pissing me off.  I was making an active effort to act in a way I thought all good boyfriends were supposed to act.  I was being considerate, attentive, deferring to her wishes and not pushing for anything so generally being a giant pussy and letting her call all the shots and it wasn’t getting me a damn thing, even in bed.  I wanted to be a guy that wouldn’t give her a reason to walk away, that would make her happy so that she didn’t have to battle my mood swings and crazy outbursts of crazy.  I was trying with limited success to be a guy that she wanted to keep around especially since Davenport was still floating around and unhinged but for whatever reason my new and improved attitude seemed to be achieving the opposite result.  I had spent the last two nights tossing and turning because I was so used to her soft form curled up next to mine and I was too irritated to just call her and tell her I was over it and just coming over anyway because I knew it was what we both wanted.

I tossed my pencil at Rome’s head and indicated he could come in if he wanted.  “What’s up?”

He threw the pencil back at me and dropped heavily on the bed.  He stuck his long legs out in front of him and crossed his ankles while reclining back on his elbows making himself right at home.

“Still no word from Shaw?”

I bit back a growl because just thinking about it made me want to hurt things.  “She says she has too much homework due tomorrow so she’s just going to head home after work and do it.”

“Huh.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing just huh.”

“Shut up Rome, your huh never means nothing.”

“Well it’s just odd that she hasn’t been around much the last couple days.  Did you have a fight you didn’t tell me about?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

I scowled at him.  “Yes I’m sure we didn’t have a fight.  Did you just come in here to harass me or did you actually want something?”

“Trying to change the subject?”  I called him a nasty name and spun back around in my chair.

“If you’re just going to be annoying I have to finish this back piece I’m working on for a client.”

“I got my medical release today.  The doc from Carson called a little while ago.  That means I’m going wheels up at the beginning of next week.”

I spun back around.  He was trying to look relaxed but I could see the tension around his mouth and eyes.

“Your shoulder is going to be up to it?”

“That’s what they tell me.”

“How about you?  Are you going to be up to going back to it?”

“I guess I don’t really have a choice.  I would feel better leaving if I knew things with you and Shaw were straight and she didn’t have some lunatic stalking her, and that mom had agreed to get some help but I guess miracles only happen in the movies.”

I grunted and rubbed my hands over my hair that seemed to be getting longer by the minute.  I was tempted to shave the mohawk back but for whatever reason in my head Shaw shouldn’t be with a guy rocking hair like that so I was keeping it normal and natural even though she told me on a regular basis how much she missed the hawk.

“Shaw and I are fine so don’t worry about it, as for mom, well there’s nothing I can really do to help you with that.  Promise me that you’re going to be safe.  No more driving over bombs.”

“That wasn’t in the plan the first time.  Look I’m going to tell mom and dad, you know they’re going to want to do something since no one knows when I’ll be back or what condition I’m going to be in.”

“Rome I can’t go through that with mom again.”

“I’ll tell dad to set something up at a restaurant or something.  I’ll make sure he knows it has to be a family event which means you will be there and so will Shaw.  I’m not asking little brother I’m telling you.  I’m about to go back to the desert for who knows how long and I deserve a good family memory to take with me.  Everyone can just suck it up for one night, I deserve that.”

“You saw how well it went last time and that wasn’t even with me provoking her.”

He sighed and pushed to his feet.  “Do this for me Rule, please.”

I didn’t want to, not when things with Shaw were weird and not after my mom had made her feelings about me so clear, but there wasn’t much I would deny my brother and there was nothing I wouldn’t do for him when he asked me to please do it.  I growled a lot of really dirty words and let my head fall backwards.

“Let me know when and where.  I’ll tell Shaw but you can’t get pissed and go back to the war all mad if mom does what she tends to do and makes it ugly.”

“I don’t understand why we can’t all just be a goddamn family for once.  I really don’t feel like that’s too much to ask.”

“You’re right, it’s not and I will do my part.  Okay?”

“Thanks bro, you’re only half as bad as everyone thinks.”

“Shut up.”  I laughed and went back to my drawing.  “Just so you know I’m going to miss having your bossy ass around.”

He walked over to me and put me in a head lock.  I struggled in vain trying to get loose but he was just too big and easily manhandled me.

“I’m going to miss your smart mouth and shitty attitude as well.  Though this hair you have going on is stupid and not at all you so I won’t miss that one bit.”  He finally released me when I got a solid fist into his ribs.  He let me go with a grunt and I pushed the nondescript locks out of my face.

“You’re just worried that when I have normal looking hair that people will start to realize I’m so much better looking than you.”

He lunged for me again and we wrestled around for a little bit like we used to do when we were kids, only now Rome was giant and had a solid fifty pounds on me so it wasn’t much of a fight.  He left with a promise to call and order something for dinner and it gave me a small measure of satisfaction to notice he was rubbing his ribs on his way out.

I pulled my phone at and stared at the screen.  I hated that I was struggling with what I wanted to say to Shaw, that I was worrying over what words to use.  I was so used to just saying and doing whatever I wanted that this controlled and locked down version of myself was getting old before it even started.  I wrote out a quick message:

–       Rome just got his medical release.  He’s going back to the desert on Monday.

I figured since she was working that she wouldn’t respond right away plus it wasn’t like we had been engaging in any kind of deep philosophical conversations as of late.

–       Oh no!  Are you okay?

I’d already lost one brother so the idea that my remaining one had a job that constantly placed him in jeopardy most definitely meant I was not okay, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it.  Rome’s sense of duty was part of what made him who he was and I respected it and respected him far too much to let my feelings cloud any of the fleeting time we spent together.

–       I’ve been better but he seems okay with it so what else is there to do?

–       Do you need me to come over after work?

–       I thought you had homework.

–       I do but if you need me it can wait.

I did need her.  I wanted to hold her and love all up on her but not because she was feeling sorry for me but because she wanted to be with me too.  I glared at the phone and at how complicated things seemed to have turned overnight.

–       Naw I’m straight, but he wants to do a family dinner with EVERYBODY before he leaves.  He’s going to have dad set it up.

–       How’s that going to work with things between you and Margot?

–       Not just me, you’re coming too.

–       I’m not worried about me.

–       Rome seems to think that since he’s shipping back out she’ll behave if he asks her to but I have my doubts.  He thinks if we do it some place public she’ll behave.

–       It’s so sad you guys even have to worry about that in the first place.

–       Not the only one with family problems Casper.

–       No you’re not.

–       Have a good night.

There was a long pause and I didn’t think she was going to say anything back but after about five minutes my phone beeped with a new message.

–       I miss you Rule.

I didn’t know what to say to that because I wasn’t the one pulling away for once and I was right here so I just clicked the screen back off and went back to my drawing.

The next night I was the one blowing off spending time with Shaw because I decided it was a great idea to take Rome out and at least attempt to get him laid before he went back overseas only I ended up face down in a fifth of Crown and seeing double so I’m pretty sure I failed and ended up being the worse wingman ever.  Rome and Nash dropped me on the bed after practically carrying me home and it wasn’t until well after eleven the next morning when I was attempting to shower and fake being human enough to show for work that I noticed I had three missed calls and five missed messages from Shaw.  They were all variations on the same thing, where are you, what are you doing, why aren’t you answering, should I come by, are you going to come by?  They all made me cringe and swear.  I felt guilty as hell because had things not been so strained between us I would have just called her before I left or asked her to come with, but last night I had enjoyed just being my normal self and not putting any effort into being anybody’s perfect anything.

I was about to try and call her to explain when Rome came out of the hallway bathroom running a towel over his head.  “You alive?”

“Barely.  I need to call Shaw.  I was too messed up last night to let her know what was going on.”

He gave me a sharp look.  “I already called her.  She texted me last night wondering what you were up to so I told her you were loaded and out of control.  She sounds sad, worse than that she sounds sad because of you.”

I growled a little and rested my elbows on the kitchen counter.  “I know but I don’t know what I did wrong.  I almost beat her ex to death in a parking lot and realized if I was going to act like a caveman I was going to lose her and not be around to protect her so I’ve been minding all my p’s and q’s and let me tell ya I had no idea how many of those little fuckers there were and ever since I started she’s been acting like I cheated on her or did some other horrible thing.”

“Rule, she liked you just fine when your p’s and q’s were all over the map.  Stop trying to be something you aren’t and just let her love you.  It’s not hard, besides dad called and dinner is tonight at Ruth Chris downtown at six.  I already told Shaw so unless you want to grovel and apologize then you don’t need to call her.”

“They’re coming here?”

“Dad thought it would be good for mom.  He thought maybe getting her out of Brookside would break some of that hold the past has on her.”

“I guess we’ll see.”

“Rule,” I turned to look at him and was struck by the sincerity in his eyes.  “Thank you for doing this for me.  I know it isn’t easy for you.”

“I’m learning easy things never really pay off.  It’s the things that make you work that really matter.”

“You’re still a little punk that can’t hold his liquor but somewhere along the line you really did turn into a man I’m proud to call my brother.”

We stared at each other for a long moment and I would kill before I admitted it but my eyes totally welled up.  I cleared my throat and pushed off the counter.

“Thanks Rome, now I gotta go see if I still have a girlfriend or if I managed to drink myself single last night.”

I was thinking about his words as I dialed Shaw’s number only to be sent to voicemail.  I just had to let her love me; I wasn’t sure how to go about that but I knew whatever I was doing now wasn’t working.  After her recorded greeting I left a gruff message, “Hey it’s me.  I suck and I’m sorry.  I should have called.  I’m sure you were worried and if you had pulled that shit with me I would have been climbing the walls.  Really I don’t have an excuse other than things have been off with us for a little bit and I’m trying to figure it out.  Call me when you get this if you want.  I’ll see you later tonight.  Really I’m sorry and I promise to stop trying to do things different when the old way was working just fine.”

I didn’t know what her response was going to be I only knew that I had screwed up and that I hoped it wasn’t too late to fix it.  I finished getting ready for work without hearing from her.  I burned through my first two appointments with no word from her and I was starting to worry.  I knew she had class today but that didn’t normally stop her from hitting me up between sessions.  I was tempted to call her again but worried about what getting sent directly to voicemail again would do to me since I was already hanging on by a thread.  I was cleaning up my final appointment of the day when I finally got a text from her:

–       I’ll see you at dinner.

That’s was all.  There was no I forgive you, no yes you suck now let’s kiss and make up, no everybody makes mistakes, no I’m so glad we’re getting things back to normal, just I’ll see you at dinner.  What was I supposed to do with that?  This having a girlfriend business was starting to make my head hurt and I longed for the days where we were just cordial enemies that only spent an hour a week together, that wasn’t remotely true but it made me feel a little better as I plodded home and changed into something that wouldn’t give my mom a reason to have a fit.  I put on gray Dickies and a button down plaid shirt with pearl snaps on it and changed out of my studded leather belt for a plain black one.  I left my boots on and made sure my unruly hair had just enough product in it to keep it in a semi styled mess.  I still looked like me only a me that my dad wouldn’t raze and wouldn’t give my mom anything to bitch about and I had to admit to myself that I wanted Shaw to see that I could clean it up when the occasion called for it, but my head was so twisted where she was concerned I tried not to spend too much time thinking about what her reaction would be when we finally saw each other.

Rome and I climbed into the truck and I could tell he was nervous by the silent ride down to the restaurant and I honestly couldn’t blame him since the last family get together had gone so smashingly and to date mom still didn’t believe that she held any part in the family rift.  I wasn’t sure that meeting in public and having all this extra tension between Shaw and I was going to be a recipe for success but I was determined to give Rome the sendoff he deserved and not let him leave disappointed in me or with any extra reasons to worry about those he loved.

We parked in a crowed lot and shoved a couple dollars in the payment kiosk and made our way to the busy restaurant.  Mom and dad were waiting out front with Shaw.  My breath quickened and something in my chest flipped over at the sight of her.  It had only been a few days but seeing her now I suddenly felt like we had spent years apart.  She had changed her hair in the time that had passed; it was now drastically two colors and looked badass next to her pale skin and bright eyes.  Her cheeks were red from the cold and her green eyes were guarded as we got close.  I could see my mom had a near death grip on Shaw’s arm and that she wasn’t exactly overjoyed with our arrival.  Rome leaned in and kissed both them on the cheek and shook dad’s hand before moving to pull open the door.  I opted for a chin lift and a raised eyebrow in Shaw’s direction.

“Hey.”

The corners of her mouth pulled down and my mom flat out ignored me.  “Hey.  Let’s go inside I’m freezing.”  She let my mom pull her along and a little sliver of anger started to spark under my skin but this wasn’t about me so I tried to stamp it down as my dad cupped me on the back of the neck and gave me a little shake.  It was a gesture that made me feel like I was ten years old again which was funny since I was about six inches taller than him now.

“This is a good thing for all of us kiddo.  Just be patient and we’ll all get better at being a solid unit again.”

“It’s just dinner dad.  Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

“Well we have to walk before we run, son and as of now the Archer’s are barely managing a staggering limp.  All we can do is move forward.”

I didn’t know what to say to that so I just kept my mouth shut and watched Shaw’s shapely form as the hostess guided our group to a table in the back of the building.  My mom was jabbering nonstop at her and she was occasionally nodding and making noises of agreement but what she wasn’t doing at all was looking at me or acknowledging me in anyway.  The anger was starting to turn from a smolder to a burn and if something didn’t break soon I was going to do something I was bound to regret later.  When we sat at the table I ended up sandwiched between my brother and my girlfriend, one was looking at me warningly the other was watching me with eyes shrouded in sadness and accusation, two things I didn’t understand and was ready to say the hell with it to get answers about.  I never got the chance because as soon as I turned to Shaw the waitress appeared and we were busy ordering drinks and my mom once again high jacked all Shaw’s attention.