Текст книги "Four Week Fiance"

Автор книги: J. S. Cooper

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Текущая страница: 8 (всего у книги 13 страниц)

Chapter Eight

Mila

The goat and the fish. That was us. He was the goat: frisky, moody, intelligent, questioning, hard to read. I was the fish swimming toward him, following him, wanting him, waiting for him. Always waiting for him. Every day I woke up and thought about how I wanted to kick that goat, though some days I didn’t want to kick so hard. You don’t kick hard when you love someone.

Every day felt different now. Some days, I could almost pretend that I felt happy, as if I were riding the bull of life and charging down the streets of Pamplona like some bad-ass Spaniard with no fear. Those were the days I loved, feeling high on life, excited to just be me and to experience everything that I could. I craved all of the feelings that went through me: pain, happiness, joy, jealousy, love. All of them made me feel alive, like I had a purpose. And then there were the days that I didn’t want to wake up. Even sitting up in bed was an effort. Thinking of him was a burden. A heartache. A depression. A memory I didn’t want to relive.

Those days were always the same. The thoughts were always the same. The moment etched in my mind was always the same. We're at the lake. It's mid-September. It was a couple of years ago, when I was in college. I’d been so excited to go to the lake house that summer. Some part of me had thought that that was going to be the summer that TJ and I would finally get together. It was late that night, about 11 p.m. I remember the time exactly because he'd told me we had to be there by 9 p.m and I'd been late. We were scared we wouldn't see the constellation, but we still had hope. We were tired, but alert. He wanted to show me Capricornus, the sea-goat. I'd laughed. I'd never heard of a sea-goat constellation. He'd held my hand and told me to just wait. That there were several things I'd never heard of before. And so we lay back and waited. He told me how Capricornus was represented by an image of a hybrid goat and a fish. I joked that he was moody like a goat and he said I was antsy like a fish. I told him that I was on break from college, so didn’t need him acting like a bossy professor. He said I’d be so lucky. I’d just looked at him, confused, and asked him lucky for him to be bossy? And he’d just laughed.

His shoulder had rubbed next to mine gently as we lay looking up at the stars, waiting. The distant stars and moon provided the only light and as I looked over at his shadowed face, I had felt my heart swelling. He looked over at me, gave me a small smile and told me to look back at the sky and to wait patiently. I remember I rolled my eyes at his bossy tone, but I didn't say anything. I liked it when he took charge. And then, just when I thought we were waiting in vain, we saw a shooting star and I felt his hand finding mine and squeezing. We just lay there, staring at the sky, hand-in-hand, and as the cool breeze ran across my face, I thought that this was perhaps one of the happiest moments I'd ever had in my life. I never wanted it to end.

"Do you believe in soulmates?" I had asked him softly, not able to stop myself.

"Soulmates?"

"You know, your one true love?"

"One true love?" He laughed, his eyes looking at me for a few seconds and then away from me. "I think there are many loves for everyone."

"I see." My heart dropped and I gave him my best fake smile and looked back at the sky.

"Why? Do you believe in soulmates?"

"I do," I said earnestly. "I believe that there's one perfect person made for everyone."

"Made by whom?" He laughed again.

"By God," I said stiffly, feeling awkward.

"Oh, okay." His voice trailed off. "Sure thing."

"Or, if you prefer, the universe. I think that there is one perfect person out there for everyone and when you meet them you just know."

"You just know what?"

"That they're the one, of course." I was starting to get annoyed. "You know that they are your true love. The one you've waited your whole life for. The one that just gets you. The one that your heart was made to love. In fact, they're already in your heart. And when you meet them, when you realize that they are the one, then you feel whole, as if everything in life makes sense."

"That's a nice fairy tale." he said with a laugh.

"I don't think it's a fairy tale."

"Well, good luck to you then, Mila. I hope you meet this perfect man, your soulmate, or whatever." His voice had been stiff and the air had gone silent.

That was the moment that I started to question everything. That was the moment I knew I loved him as more than a crush. That was the moment I knew that my fairy tale might never come true.

***

There’s a numbness in pain that I welcome. It’s a welcome change from gut-wrenching pain and emptiness that you feel when you love someone who doesn’t love you. There is nothing worse than the feeling of rejection. There is nothing worse than not being good enough. There is nothing worse than the feeling in your heart when you realize that the man that you love doesn’t love you back; even if you would have bet your soul on it that he did. I didn’t trust my heart anymore, or my brain. They both lied to me. They told me that TJ loved me. I knew he didn’t want to love me. I knew that he’d never told me he loved me, but something in me had still believed it to be true. Something in the way that he smiled, in the way that he looked at me, his possessiveness, that way he held me close, the way he talked to me. All of those things had told me he was the one. But it was all in my head. It was all a dream. A fantasy. I’d gone and made a fool of myself and I was embarrassed and ashamed and devastated. And my heart—well, I was surprised my heart was still functioning.

I’d left TJ’s house that morning, anxious to get away from him and to see Nonno. Though a part of me had hoped that he would say, “Don’t go. Spend the day with me, Mila,” but of course he hadn’t said those words. He hadn’t said anything and I’d left and told him I’d see him later and he’d told me to enjoy my day with Nonno and to make it special. I’d smiled, but I hadn’t been able to look him in the eyes. I hadn’t wanted him to see the heartbreak in my irises.

I resisted the urge to check my phone again once I hit a stoplight. I knew that there wouldn’t be any texts from TJ. I hadn’t heard my phone beeping. He didn’t care. He wasn’t thinking of me as much as I was thinking of him. That didn’t matter to me though. As soon as I was stopped, I grabbed my phone and quickly punched in my code to check my messages. My heart fell as I saw no new messages. It wasn’t a shock, but just another confirmation that I was a sad case. This was the fifth time since I’d left TJ’s home that I was checking my messages, praying and hoping for a sign that maybe—just maybe—he could love me back. But there was nothing. I continued driving to Nonno’s house and I allowed myself five more minutes to cry before I was going to have to stop. I didn’t want to show up to Nonno’s house with a red nose and swollen eyes from all my tears.

I turned on the radio to see if I could cheer myself up with some new music, when Adele’s new single, “Hello”, started playing. I sang along and felt the tears streaming once again. I wasn’t sure why I allowed myself to listen to sad songs, when I was suffering from heartache. I knew it wasn’t smart, but somehow it made me feel better. It made me remember that other people had gone through heartache as well and still ended up okay on the other side. My stomach felt empty as I sang along and drove. I wasn’t sure that I was going to feel better once this was all over. I wasn’t sure it was smart to even stay in this relationship with TJ. How could I keep giving myself to him? Sleeping with him? Loving him? Knowing that every moment with him made me love him more and made him feel like I was still nothing.

I turned onto the interstate and switched the radio off. I needed to dry my eyes and pretend to be happy for my meeting with Nonno. It always made him upset to see me hurting.

***

Nonno opened the front door and pulled me into his arms. “Mila, so good to see you, mi cara.”

“You too, Nonno.” I kissed his cheek. “I’m sorry I haven’t called or seen you in a while. I’ve just been preoccupied with TJ and the engagement.”

“I understand.” He smiled at me graciously as we walked into his home. I smiled as I saw that he had an old photo album out on the couch, and I walked over to it.

“Looking at photos of Nonna?” I asked him, smiling at how nostalgic he was.

“Every single day.” He nodded and walked over to me and we sat down together on the couch and looked at the photos.

“She was so beautiful,” I said as I picked up a photo of Nonna that must have been taken when she was 18. She was scowling at the camera, her long black hair flying behind her as she stood there with a basket in her hands. I laughed at the photo and Nonno took it from me and held it close to his eyes.

“This day, your Nonna, she was mad at me.” He chuckled. “She was mad because she’d seen me talking to another girl. So when I came up to the camera, she told me to get away from her.”

“Oh Nonno.” I looked at him in surprise and smiled. “Were you flirting with the other girl?”

“Yes.” He laughed. “I wanted to make her jealous.” He looked over at me and winked. “She’d been talking to Alberto, the banker’s son, the day before and I knew he had intentions to get to know her better. I needed to make sure she knew that she liked me.”

“And so you flirted with someone else?” I said and shook my head.

“The games of love have been around for a long time, my dear.” He laughed and put the photo back in the album carefully. We went through the pages and I stared at all the old photos of Nonno and Nonna as they’d gotten together. I stopped him from turning the page as I looked down and saw a photo I didn’t remember seeing before. It was a photo of Nonno and Nonna and she was staring at the camera and he was staring at her. Even though it was only a photo, it was easy to see the love and devotion in his eyes as he gazed at her tenderly. And even Nonna was grinning into the camera softly, her eyes looking bright. There was a magic in the photo, an air of love. It was clear to see and it made me shiver at the power of the shot.

“This is beautiful, Nonno,” I said to him and he took the photo from me and held it tightly.

“She was beautiful,” he almost whispered as he sat back. “My love, my amore,” he said as he stared at the photo. “That day, the day this photo was taken, that was the day that I knew your Nonna and I would be together forever, that nothing would ever part us. That was the day I stopped worrying that she would meet someone else.

“Oh?” I asked him, my heart pounding. I was starting to feel emotional. I sat there wishing that TJ would feel that way about me and that made me feel guilty. I didn’t want to turn every situation into one where I was thinking about TJ.

“Your Nonna wrote me a poem. She read it to me right before that photo was taken,” he said and looked at me, his eyes looking far away as he remembered the moment. “It was so unusual and I hadn’t expected it. I was the romantic in the relationship and even then I was far from a Romeo.” He smiled and then sighed.

“Do you remember the poem?” I asked softly.

“Do I remember?” He chuckled again. “It has been burned into my brain for decades,” he said and looked back down at the photo. “It is one of my fondest memories.”

“Tell me,” I said and reached over and grabbed his hand. “Tell me, Nonno.”

“Okay.” He nodded and then he cleared his throat. He was about to start talking again when he had a coughing fit.

“Nonno, are you okay?” I asked as I watched him coughing. I felt helpless and wasn’t sure what to do. I was about to start patting him on the back when he finally stopped coughing. “Nonno?” I asked again as I saw spots of blood on the tissue he had been coughing into.

“I’m fine.” He shook his head and frowned. “Just a bad cough.” He took a sip of water and then looked over at me and smiled. “Stop worrying and start listening.”

“I am listening,” I said and laughed.

“That moment when your heart skips a beat. When all worries turn to joy. When all fears fade away. That moment when our eyes meet. And our souls reconnect.

And the silence sings a song. That’s the moment that I remember. That’s the dance that I live for. That’s the journey that I pray for. That’s the you that I dream of. This is the moment I was made for.” He stopped and I looked over at him, and saw tears running down his face.

“Oh, Nonno,” I said and reached my arm around his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” He shook his head and gazed into my eyes. “She was my true love and I miss her, but I will see her again.”

“Oh, Nonno.” I bit down on my lower lip. “You both had such a true love.”

“There is nothing else in this world more precious than true love, Mila.” His eyes were bright as he gazed at me. “There is nothing worth living for if you don’t have love.”

“Well, life itself, right?” I said, trying to make light of the situation.

“Life is for the living.” He nodded. “And love is what makes life great.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I said as my heart lurched and I thought back to TJ again. “Some of us aren’t as lucky as you and Nonna. Some of us don’t have happy endings.”

“What are you talking about, Mila?” His eyes narrowed as he looked at me.

“Nothing,” I said and shook my head, embarrassed to tell Nonno exactly what was going on with me.

“Are you not happy, my Mila?” He studied my face shrewdly and I could feel the tears starting to build up. I didn’t want him to know exactly what was going on. I knew that he had to know that something wasn’t completely right. I mean, TJ had essentially just fallen into my pocket in a matter of seconds. Real life didn’t work like that.

“I’m fine.” I took a deep breath. I had to be a big girl. I was not going to let Nonno know how pathetic and sad I was.

“You want to go down to the beach?” Nonno jumped up, placing the photo album next to me.

“The beach?” I asked, flummoxed. “That’s random.”

“Let’s go to the beach and talk.” He looked at me lovingly. “We both could do with some fresh air.”

“Oh.” I looked up at him. He knew there was something I wasn’t telling him. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, mi cara. You know you can’t keep secrets from your Nonno.”

“I know.” I sighed and stood up. “I love you, Nonno.”

“I know.” He pulled me into a hug. “I love you more than anything, Mila. You’re my beautiful princess and all I want is for you to be happy and taken care of.”

“I know.” I rested my head on his shoulder and looked up at him. “How did I get so lucky as to have you as my Nonno?”

“You’re blessed.” He kissed my forehead and grinned, his eyes sparkling before he started coughing again. He pulled back and grabbed his tissue, his expression changing to one of a frown.

“You sure you’re okay to go out, Nonno?” I asked him, worried. “Sounds like you have a bit of a cold or something.”

“I’m fine, my dear.” He wiped his mouth. “Let me go and change into some warmer clothes and then we can leave.”

“Okay.” I nodded and watched as he walked out of the room. I then grabbed my phone from my pocket to see if TJ had called or texted. I was hoping he’d have left some sort of message saying something like, “I made a mistake, I really do love you, come home,” but of course there was nothing there when I checked. My heart sank as I put my phone back into my pocket and I sat back on the couch and stared at the photos as I waited for Nonno to get ready.

***

The beach was desolate as we walked along the sand. It was too cold for people to go into the water and there was only one guy on the beach with us and he was walking his dog. I stared at the dog as it ran down the beach chasing a branch and I thought to myself what a life the dog had as it ran back and forth to its owner, grinning with happiness. How simple life must be to a dog. What I wouldn’t have given to have that sort of peace in my heart. It would make me feel like I had a purpose in life, as opposed to being a loser who could only focus on TJ and his not loving me.

“So, Mila, tell me what’s going on.” Nonno turned to me as we walked to the shoreline. “Tell me what’s bothering you.”

“Oh, Nonno, I feel like an idiot.” I made a face, trying to sound lighthearted. I wanted to make a joke, but I felt like I was going to start crying. “I’m a fool. I could be a clown for a king or a court jester or something.”

“Why do you say that, Mila?” Nonno frowned at me.

“Because I’m a royal fool. The biggest fool on the planet.” I tried to smile at him, but he didn’t smile back. Instead I watched Nonno’s expression go from shrewd to sad and he stepped forward and grabbed my hands.

“You’re not a fool, mi cara. Don’t ever say that.”

“I am.” I sighed.  I gulped and looked down.

“Then tell me, why are you a fool?”

“Because I really thought that there was a chance that TJ really loved me. I really thought that he could be the one for me.”

“You don’t think he loves you?” Nonno sighed. “And you love him?”

“I love him with all of my heart.” I closed my eyes as my heart froze. “You don’t even understand. It’s something I feel in my soul. It’s something that I can’t stop thinking about. Just saying his name makes my heart jump for joy.”

“I know the feeling. That’s how I feel about your Nonna.” He nodded. “That’s true love, Mila.”

“How can it be true love if he doesn’t love me?” I sobbed. I knew Nonno was probably confused about why I was crying and why we would be engaged if we weren’t in love, but I knew he was smart enough to know that obviously something was up. You didn’t go from a lifelong crush to an engagement and deep love in 2.5 seconds.

“Mila, I’m going to need for you to explain to me exactly what’s going on.” Nonno grabbed my hands and turned me to face him. “I don’t really understand what you’re saying.”

“I don’t even understand what I’m saying sometimes.” I took a deep breath. “And that’s not the only thing, Nonno. I have a secret. Something I did years ago that he doesn’t know about. And it’s haunting me. Sometimes I think, what if he does fall in love with me and then he finds out what I did? Then he’ll stop loving me.”

“Mila, tell me what’s in your heart.” Nonno caressed my cheek. “I need you to tell me exactly what you’re thinking. I need to know what’s in your heart. What’s in your soul. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.”

“I just don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to let you know what happened. I don’t want you to be ashamed of me. I feel so weak.” I sighed.

“I would never be ashamed of you, mi cara. You are my heart. You are my soul. Everything I do is for you. You’re my only granddaughter and you are everything to me. You know there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. All I want in this world is for you to be happy and to never suffer. It pains me to see you suffer. It pains me deep in my heart. Your pain is my pain. I don’t want to see you cry. I don’t want to see anything in your eyes that makes me think you’re going through turmoil. You know that, right?”

“Oh Nonno, I know. I know how much you love me.” I gave him a half-smile. “You’re the reason I’m such a hopeless romantic.” I laughed. “If it wasn’t for all your and Nonna’s stories, I wouldn’t want to believe that true love existed. I wouldn’t be such an idealist.”

“So tell me what you’re thinking.”

“Sometimes I think he could love me,” I said, my voice echoing all the hope in my heart. “Sometimes he looks at me with a light in his eyes that makes me feel like I’m the only person in the world, but then...” My voice trailed off as I looked out at the ocean and watched the waves crashing into the rocks, close to the pier. I felt too sad and too tired to continue. Even talking about the situation had the ability to make me feel empty inside.

“But then what?” Nonno asked me softly, his hand on my shoulder as we stood there.

“But then, I think I’ve imagined it,” I said softly. “The moment disappears. The tenderness in his gaze, the lift in his lips, the knowing look in his eyes. It just fades. And then it’s as if I’m looking into the soul of a stranger.”

“You’re being too dramatic, Mila,” Nonno said and he sounded weary, as if he were attempting to take on the burden in my heart and put it on his shoulders.

“I’m not being dramatic.” I turned to him. “I’m being realistic. I’m being safe. Nonno, when I look at him, my heart skips a beat and my stomach jumps. I feel happy. I feel excited. I feel like my soulmate is once again in my world. It’s like every part of me knows that he is my other half. And every part of me wants him to know that I’m his other half too. Every part of me is craving for the moment he will suddenly realize who I am to him.”

“Maybe he does know,” Nonno said softly. “You can’t rush these things. Maybe he’s scared. You know he had a hard life with his dad after what happened to his mom.”

“I know his dad is cold. I know his mom died when he was young. He never talks about it. I mean, can that still be affecting him?”

“Mila, of course that would still be affecting him. He’s human. He was young when his mom died, remember that. Still a kid. These things have a way of staying with you for a long, long time. TJ’s a good man.”

“I know he’s a good man.” I sighed and bit down on my lower lip. “I know there’s something inside of him that’s broken. Sometimes I can see it in his eyes. Sometimes when I look at him, there’s a sadness there, a sadness that makes me just want to reach out and hold him. Sometimes he looks at me like he has something he wants to say, something deep, and we just stare at each other and I wait to see what he’s going to say, but then it’s like his brain shuts down and he makes a joke.”

“That’s a preservation mechanism. He’s probably not comfortable with expressing his feelings. He didn’t grow up with a family like yours, Mila. You have to give him time. Reach him in ways that don’t make him feel uncomfortable.”

“I just want to know that he feels something. I just want to know that he knows that what we have is special. I want him to just give me one iota of what I’m giving him. I just want him to feel an ounce of the love for me that I feel for him. I want him to love me.”

“And he will.” Nonno grabbed my hands. “I know these things are hard, Mila, and I know that your patience is running thin, but he will come around.”

“Not when he finds out.” My voice was so soft that I wasn’t even sure that Nonno could hear me. “Not when he finds out what I did. He may never forgive me then. Some secrets are just too much to overcome.” My voice broke then and I fell to my knees as I watched the sun setting, signaling to me that another day had passed without me revealing the truth. Another day had passed and my heart was still in turmoil. I felt like I was on the downward spiral of some horrible rollercoaster ride. Nothing was going my way and while I just wanted to get off the ride, I wanted something epic to happen. I needed to feel the exhilaration of the anticipation of what was going to happen next, but it was just so hard. Too hard.

“What did you do, Mila?” Nonno came up from behind me and I stilled, ashamed to admit the lies that had sprung from my mouth. I knew that Nonno would be disappointed in me, as I was disappointed in myself.

“It’s hard to admit.” I sighed. “I was so immature, so jealous, but I didn’t really know what I was doing at the time.”

“What did you do, Mila?”

“When Cody and TJ were in college, Sally and I went up for a weekend to stay with them in the apartment they were sharing. I think it was their senior year and Mom and Dad trusted them enough to show us around the campus. So anyway, it was a Saturday night and they left us in the apartment because they wanted to go to a frat party. They said we could just watch a movie, which is what we did. It was about ten p.m, Sally was on the phone with some pizza delivery place and there was a knock on the door.” I took a deep breath, my face going red as I remembered that night vividly and I could feel myself heating up in shame.

“Continue,” Nonno said, his eyes not leaving my face.

“So there was a knock on the door and there was this girl standing there.” I spoke slowly, remembering the look on her face. She’d been worried and scared, her face pale as she stood there awkwardly. I’d known right away that something was wrong—call it female intuition or something. I looked at Nonno then and made a face, wanting to cry, but I knew that I’d made this mess by myself.

“Go on, mi cara.”

“She asked for TJ.” I chewed on my lower lip. “I asked her why. She started to cry so I told her to come in.” I took a deep breath. “Nonno, she told me she was pregnant. She told me that she there was a possibility that TJ was the dad and that she needed to talk to him. She asked him if she could wait for him.”

“Okay.” Nonno pursed his lips and stared at me, his expression not changing.

“I asked her how sure she was that TJ was the father. I asked her what she wanted. I told her that TJ and I were in a serious relationship. I told her that I wasn’t sure we could handle the fact that she might be having his baby.”

“Oh Mila.”

“And then I told her to leave.” Tears filled my eyes. “I told her she couldn’t wait for TJ. I don’t know why I did that, Nonno. I was so ashamed of myself. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so jealous, I wasn’t thinking properly. And she just left. She didn’t even say anything. She wasn’t even a bad person. She wasn’t one of those bitchy money-grubbing girls that I hate. She wasn’t super beautiful or slutty or anything. There was nothing about her that would make me think that I needed to protect TJ. Nothing predator-ish about her. I mean, she was even honest that TJ might not even be the father.”

“So she just left?”

“Yes.” I nodded.

“And I’m assuming you never told TJ.”

“Nope.” I shook my head. “When he got home that night, I was still too embarrassed, and selfishly I was hoping that he’d notice me, tell me he wanted to be with me or something.”

“Oh Mila.” Nonno sighed.

“I know,” I said. “And then the next day, I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I didn’t know how to bring it up. I mean, I tried several times, but it just didn’t seem right. There was never a perfect moment. I didn’t want him to think badly of me, Nonno. And then, well then I figured the girl would most probably contact TJ and let him know. The next few weeks I waited for TJ to contact me all angry and tell me how pissed he was at me for talking to the girl and sending her away. But he never did. And then I forgot it. I tried to tell myself that it was likely that TJ wasn’t the father and that the girl had figured out who it was.” I rubbed my eyes. “But who knows, maybe she was just trying to help me and my fake relationship.”

“You need to tell him, Mila. Nothing can continue, good or bad, if you’re not honest with him.”

“I’m scared to tell him.” My eyes widened.

“You can’t live your life being scared, Mila. You have to take chances, you have to grab the bull by the horn and go for it.”

“I’m scared the bull is going to buck and rear and I’m going to fall off and get bruised.”

“That’s the risk you take in life and love, Mila.”

“I just feel like this secret is so big that even if there was a possibility of him loving me that it would all fade away now. Who can forgive someone for something like that?”

“Everyone has a secret, Mila.”

“But are all secrets forgivable?” I sighed. “I mean, I think a part of him could really love me. I just feel it in my soul. But I don’t want to push for it, when this is still hanging over me. I need to know that if he does fall in love with me, it’s for everything that he knows about me; good and bad.”

“Just as you love him for everything you do and don’t know, right?” Nonno said. “Good and bad.”

“There is no bad in TJ.” I sighed. “He’s perfect.”

“No one’s perfect, Mila. We all have our secrets. Remember that.”

“You don’t have any secrets, Nonno. You’re perfect too.”

“Even I have secrets, Mila.” He touched the top of my head. “Even I have secrets, but that doesn’t mean that I love you any less.”