Текст книги "Four Week Fiance"

Автор книги: J. S. Cooper

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Текущая страница: 6 (всего у книги 13 страниц)

Chapter Six

Mila

I walked down the street with a wide smile on my face. I wasn’t sure why I was so happy. Maybe it was something about the day. The sky was a deep azure blue, with nary a cloud to be seen, the sun was out and shining warmly, the trees were tall and proud and the fall colors of the leaves were beautiful: warm reds, deep browns, dancing yellows and secretive greens beckoned to me. I smiled again as I saw two birds flying from one tree to another, seeming to take the same path down the street as I was. My heart felt full and I was happy.

I knew that most of my happiness stemmed from the fact that I was on the way to meet TJ for dinner. It was scary how excited and happy he made me. And I didn’t even have to be with him. Just the knowledge that I’d see him soon was enough for me. I just liked being around him. That was all I needed to feel warm and content. I didn’t even have to talk to him or touch him. Just knowing that he was there was enough for me. He filled my heart and spirit in a way that I didn’t understand.

It scared me, in a way, knowing how much power he had over me. I didn’t want to think about what would happen when I no longer got to spend so much time with him. I didn’t want to think about not being with him.

Even though our relationship—well, engagement—was fake, it didn’t matter to me. It didn’t matter because I was still getting to know him better. I was still getting to see parts of him I’d never seen before. His vulnerabilities, the things that made him hurt, pause, think. There was a side to TJ that I’d never known existed. I’d always thought he was this tough, handsome guy. Full of life and vitality. A guy who took everything in stride. Nothing ever got him down. That’s what I used to think. I mean, I knew that his dad wasn’t the most paternalistic figure in his life. I knew that had to have affected him in some way. And the fact that his mother had died when he was so young. I’d thought about it, but had never really placed any real emotion or depth into those thoughts. Now, I wondered just how much his childhood had affected him. Who was TJ Walker behind the façade? I was still trying to figure that out.

He was darker inside than I’d thought. There was a barrier there, some layer of hurt, some deep emotion hidden inside of him. And it fascinated me. I wanted to know his full story. And I wanted to fix him. I wanted my love to fix him.

I shook my head at myself as I continued walking, nearing the restaurant. I knew I was living in the clouds. Life wasn’t like the movies. I wasn’t going to be able to fix him and make him fall in love with me. Stuff like that just didn’t happen. Least of all to people like me. But that didn’t stop me from hoping. That didn’t stop me from wishing that I could somehow figure out what made him tick and in doing so make him fall head over heels in love with me. That would be amazing. Not realistic, but definitely amazing.

I giggled as I walked into the restaurant, feeling light-hearted and giddy as I felt my heart racing. I was about to see TJ and that always made me feel awesome. I used to live for seeing him every few months; now I got to see him every day.

The host greeted me with a big smile. “Good evening, ma’am. Do you have a reservation?”

“Yes—well, not me.” I laughed. “I’m meeting someone here. I think he has the reservation.”

“What’s his name?” He smiled at me warmly. “Let’s see if he’s here yet.”

“TJ Walker,” I said, grinning.

“I see his reservation, but he hasn’t checked in as yet. We can definitely seat you while you wait, though. Would you like that, madam?”

“Mila.” I smiled at him sweetly. “And yes, please, that would be amazing. Thank you.”

“Oh, you’re very welcome.” He nodded and looked back down at his podium. “One moment, please.”

“Oh, of course.” I smoothed my skirt down and pulled out my lipstick so that I could reapply it. I wasn’t sure why I felt so nervous, but I wanted to look pretty for TJ. Like, really pretty. I wanted him to walk in and look at me and think to himself, Wow, Mila is just gorgeous. How did I get so lucky to be having dinner with her? I mean, it was a pipedream—he’d never really given me a look like that before—but that didn’t stop me from hoping.

“This way, ma’am.” He came towards me. “Just follow me.”

“Sure.” I smiled and followed behind him. We approached a table and as the maître d’ was about to pull my chair out, a handsome man jumped up from the table next to mine and pulled it out for me.

“Good evening.” He gave me a wide smile and a wink as he stood behind me.

“Evening.” I smiled at him, feeling a bit shy as he pushed my chair in. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I see a beautiful woman and I can’t stop myself,” he said. “I’m Will, by the way.”

“Mila.” I held my hand out to him.

“A beautiful name for a beautiful girl.”

“Oh.” I blushed, not knowing what to say.

“I’ll just leave the wine menu with you,” the maître d’ said and beamed at us both as he backed away.

“Dining alone?” Will asked me hopefully, his eyes a piercing navy blue in his handsome face.

I shook my head. “No, I’m waiting on someone.”

“Would you like company while you wait?” he asked, showing his perfect white teeth. His dark gold hair was cut perfectly and shone on top of his head as he waited for my answer. I blushed again, still not knowing what to say. I was taken aback that this gorgeous man was asking to sit with me and was flirting with me.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that.” I shook my head again and stared at his perfect navy, pinstriped suit. I was still in internal shock that he was talking to me. I wasn’t used to men just coming up to me; especially not distinguished, handsome men like him.

“It would be my pleasure.” He took a seat next to me. “I’m dining alone, so I’d be happy to keep you company until your girlfriend gets here.”

“Oh, it’s a male friend.” I blushed, wondering why I hadn’t said fiancé. Maybe because it felt like too much of a lie.

“I guess that was pretty obvious that I was fishing, huh?” He laughed.

“Fishing?” I asked dumbly, not sure what he was saying.

“For information. You know, to see if you’re single.” He leaned forward and adjusted his tie. “Though that would’ve been too much to ask. Have a beautiful single woman just fall into my lap.”

“Oh, ha ha.” I laughed uncomfortably. I’d never had a guy come on to me so strongly before.

“So, not single?” he asked more directly, his eyes light as he chuckled.

“Um, yes, no—kinda.” I laughed at the confusion on his face. “It’s kinda complicated.”

“I can work with complicated.” He winked and then leaned back. “And in case you were wondering, I’m single.” He grinned. “Would you like a glass of wine?”

“Oh. I shouldn’t.” I shook my head, feeling slightly dazed and confused, and a little proud of myself. I had to be looking pretty good if this handsome man was spending so much time flirting with me and offering to buy me a glass of wine.

“Don’t you drink?” he asked curiously.

“Oh, I do, but like I said, I’m waiting on someone.”

“He’s not a very good someone, though, is he?” Will looked at me and frowned. “He’s got you sitting here waiting on him.”

“I’m sure he just got caught up at work,” I said with a small smile. “He’s a busy guy.”

“I’m a very busy guy, but look where I am right now,” he said seriously, and I started to feel my heart sinking a little. What was he trying to say? That TJ didn’t respect me or my time? He was only five minutes late. But then as I thought about it, I wondered if he was late when he went on real dates. I bet he was early for women he wanted to go out with. Women he really liked. I was just his fake fiancée, the girl he was fucking. He didn’t really care about me. I wondered how he treated the women he really cared for. I could feel my stomach churning as my thoughts immediately turned negative.

“Hey, you okay, Mila?” Will leaned forward. “I didn’t mean to hit a nerve.”

“Sorry, what?” I asked him, blinking, trying to get rid of the heavy feeling that had hit me.

“Maybe work was just really busy,” he said. “I mean, if he has you waiting around a lot, maybe he doesn’t care as much as you hope. A woman like you deserves a man that’s going to put her above everything else.”

“Thank you,” I said with a small smile, looking at my watch and realizing that TJ was actually fifteen minutes late instead of five minutes late.

“I know you don’t know me,” Will said, and I watched as he pulled his wallet out of his pocket. “But if it doesn’t work out with this guy, or you want to talk to me or let me take you out for a drink, give me a call at this number.” He pulled a card out and handed it to me. “I’d love to take you for a drink. Show you how a gentleman treats his lady. I, for one, wouldn’t have you waiting.”

“Oh, wow, thanks.” I held his card in my hand and looked down at it awkwardly. How did one respond to that? And where was TJ?

“Mila.” TJ’s voice was loud behind me and it made me jump.

“TJ?” I said, looking at him with narrowed eyes and a red face, like I’d been caught red-handed with my hand in the cookie jar.

“What’s going on?” He frowned and looked at the card in my hand and then at Will.

“I was just keeping Mila company.” Will stood up, nodded at TJ and then looked back down at me. “It was a pleasure making your acquaintance tonight, Mila. Please call me if I can ever take you out for a drink.”

“Thank you,” I squeaked out and I could feel TJ’s eyes on me. I looked up at him and gave him a quick smile, but he just frowned at me, his eyes narrowed as he watched Will going back to his seat.

“Making new friends already?” he said as he sat down. “Looking for someone new?”

“TJ, we were just talking.” I rolled my eyes at him. “Don’t being stupid.”

“I’m not being stupid.” He pursed his lips. “Do you know what you want to order or did you even bother to look at the menu.”

“I think I’m going to get a steak. And lobster. And oysters. And caviar. And lots of champagne,” I said sweetly and then smiled. “You can afford it.”

“Funny,” he said as he looked at me, but I saw that he wasn’t able to keep a smile off of his face.

“That’s me, one funny girl.” I grinned at him, determined to not let him ruin my good mood. I stared at his handsome face, so serious as he sat there in his smart business suit. His eyes looked at me searchingly, with a glint of judgment as if he were telling me off for talking with Will. A part of me was delighted that he appeared to be jealous. Another part of me was annoyed that he was going to be acting like a bit of an ass, just because I was being friendly to another guy. It wasn’t like I wanted the other guy. All I could think about was TJ.

“Yes, one funny, sexy girl,” he said and I felt his hand reach down and grab my knee under the table and his fingers started running up and down my calf.

“What’re you doing, TJ?” My eyes widened as I gazed at him.

“Nothing.” He grinned as his fingers moved up my legs again and he pushed against my inner thigh to gain access. I squeezed my legs together closer in response.

“TJ.” I pursed my lips at him. “Stop it.”

“Stop what?” he asked, a wry smile on his face as he pushed harder between my legs and they fell apart slightly. His fingers took immediate advantage of the movement and they ran up and down my inner thigh under my skirt. I held my breath as they drew dangerously high.

“You know what?” I frowned at him. “You just got here. Stop it.”

“Stop what?” He laughed and then looked away from me as a waitress approached the table.

“Hi, I’m Madeline. I’ll be taking care of you today.”

“Why, thank you,” TJ said as he grinned at her. “I do enjoy being taken care of.”

“Then I’m glad I’m here.” Madeline flirted back with him and I watched as she tossed her long raven hair back and pushed her ample bust forward. I glanced up at her face with a slight glare and felt my resolve failing as I looked at her face properly. She was gorgeous, her skin was smooth and her eyes were a sparkling, vibrant blue. She had fine features and perfect lips. And she was petite. She looked like the perfect woman. I felt jealousy searing through me as I gazed at her staring at TJ and TJ staring back into her eyes with a wide, genuine smile. His fingers were still on my legs, but were moving in a haphazard fashion as he glanced at her. I could feel my stomach churning and I felt my good mood vanishing.

“Would you like a drink, sir?” she asked, her voice melodic.

“What would you recommend?” He leaned back and moved his hand away from my leg.

“What is sir into?” She leaned closer to him, leaning down and opening the menu in front of him. Her hair hung down, surrounding her face, and she looked into his eyes with a sweet, eager smile.

“Whatever you think I’d like.” His eyes teased her and I watched as he licked his lips slowly. I froze at the obvious flirtation between them. My breath was coming fast and my stomach was in knots as I just sat there being ignored.

“I think I’ll have a glass of water,” I said, finally speaking up, and the girl straightened and looked at me with a sweet and pitying look.

“Sure.” She nodded. “Still or sparkling?”

“Still, thanks.” I bit down on my lower lip, feeling like I wanted to cry.

“Okay.” She nodded and then looked back over at TJ. “And have you decided?”

“I’ll have a whiskey, neat.”

“Brand?” She grinned at him.

“Surprise me,” he said and she just giggled like a little schoolgirl. I could feel my face flaming. I was embarrassed, upset, jealous, annoyed, and pissed off. How could TJ flirt with this girl in front of me, like that? I guess it was the reality check I needed. He just wasn’t interested in me, at all.

“Okay, I’ll do that,” she said, tossing her hair back again and lightly touching him on the shoulder. I looked away and tried to ignore the feelings telling me to slap her. She was the sort of girl I knew was used to getting what she wanted based on her looks, and I was pretty sure that she wanted TJ and that she didn’t care that I was sitting here with him. She probably thought I was his secretary and not his girlfriend. Though, technically, I wasn’t his girlfriend. I was just the girl he was fucking and pretending to be his fake fiancée.

I watched as she walked away and then looked over at TJ, who was looking at his watch. He then looked up at me with a slightly cold expression. “So, think of any exes today, or were you just hoping to meet a new guy to try in bed?”

“What?” I snapped at him, annoyed. How was he going to turn this on me?

“You seem to work pretty fast.” He shrugged and I felt his hand on my leg again, even more aggressive than before. “I’m just wondering if you’re looking to compare fuck buddies or something.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I said, my voice growing louder. Where was this coming from?

“Just that you always seem to be thinking of another guy or chatting one up,” he snapped.

“What guys have I ever been chatting up?” I snapped back at him.

“Aside from that twat that was at the table with you?”

“We were talking.”

“Is that all you wanted?” he asked, his fingers pushing their way up to my panties. I felt his finger rubbing against me roughly and I gasped as my legs unconsciously spread to give him better access.

“Stop,” I said, my eyes watering as I felt his fingers starting to move into my panties.

“Is this what you want?” he said as his finger rubbed my clit under the table. “It feels like it,” he said as he continued to rub me. I knew I was wet down there and I hated myself for it. How could this be turning me on?”

“No,” I said and snapped my legs shut.

“Okay,” he said and withdrew his finger from my panties and then moved his hand back down my leg slowly. I watched as his hand made its way back to the table and then he placed a finger into his mouth and sucked on it slowly. “Sure seems like you wanted it.” He looked at me; his eyes hollow as I watched him. My face was hot with shame and I looked away from him. Why was he being like this to me?

Madeline made her way back to the table. “Here’s your water,” she said, placing the glass in front of me. “And your whiskey, sir.” She placed it in front of him and stood back to watch him. “I can’t wait to see if you enjoy it.”

I wanted to shout at her to “just move it, bitch,” but I didn’t. I just sat there, feeling even more inferior and cheap.

“Let’s see.” TJ sat back, a wide smile on his face for the waitress, his eyes looking at her admiringly. Gone was the cold, calculating look. And in its place, instead, was an interested, happy face. My heart dropped as I watched him pick up the glass and take a sip. He swallowed slowly and then he looked at Madeline in approval. “Very, very nice. You have good taste.”

“Thank you.” She blushed and ran her hand through her hair. “I’ll be back to take your food order in a few minutes.”

“Sounds great,” TJ said. “Though maybe I’ll let you pick for me.”

“You’d trust me for that?” she asked with a huge smile.

“I’d trust you with a lot more than that.” He winked at her and then I saw him give me a quick look, as if to see if I was paying attention. His eyes met mine, and he looked at me and studied my face for a second before I turned my face away from him.

“Okay, I’ll be back,” Madeline said and I watched as she and TJ exchanged one last smile. The look on TJ’s face was one of teasing happiness and it made my heart fall heavily. The happiness and excitement that I’d been feeling earlier in the day was completely gone. I’d been fooling myself, telling myself that TJ wanted me and was falling for me as well. This was nothing to him. I was nothing to him and I never would be.

***

TJ dropped me off after a very quiet dinner and said he had to go back to the office to do some work. I just nodded and got out of the car without even looking at him. I felt completely broken and dejected. My spirits were low and all I wanted to do was call Sally. I couldn’t deal with this. I couldn’t deal with TJ treating me like this. I couldn’t deal with being around him and not really having him.

It had never really hit me until that moment that there was never going to be a happily-ever-after with TJ. He just wasn’t into me in that way. All he wanted was sex and to have a good time. I couldn’t even be mad. He’d never given me any reason to think any other way.

My body flashed hot and cold as I walked into his apartment and I immediately walked to his bathroom and started running a bath. All I wanted to do was soak and cry and get it out. Then I’d call Sally. Right now, I needed hot water over me.

I took off my shoes and started to take off my skirt and underwear. Tears started streaming down my face as I got undressed. I grabbed my phone and clicked on my music icon so I could listen to some James Bay while I had my bath. I loved his music, it was emotional, and while I knew I should listen to something hard and more rock-like to get over my depressed state, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I stepped into the bath and squealed as the hot water burned me, but I didn’t jump out. I deserved the pain for being such a dumbass. I slowly started to sit down as the water continued to sting me. And then the song, “If You Ever Want to Be in Love” started playing through my phone. The tears came even faster as I finally submerged myself in the water and sat down; the tears were both for my heartache and the scalding the water was giving me.

I leaned back and closed my eyes as I let the water crash over me. The tears streamed down my face and all I could picture was TJ’s face as he’d smiled at the waitress—how happy and light-hearted he’d been as he’d innocently flirted with her. I’d seen the look he’d given her. It was fun, flirty, carefree and she’d responded in the same way. I couldn’t ever remember him ever giving me that look. When I was younger he’d looked at me as his best friend’s younger sister who was dorky, and he’d teased me relentlessly. Sometimes he’d looked at me with more emotion, when he’d listened to me talk about exams or heartaches or other silly things that had bothered me. He’d given me hugs, been caring, but he’d never given me a look of instant attraction, of love, of real interest.

And now, now that we were older and doing things I’d only hoped we’d be doing, some of his looks had changed. I’d seen lust in his eyes. I’d seen bare-naked want, but I’d not seen that innocent attraction, the admiration, the stirrings of a beginning love. I’d only fooled myself into thinking that we could have something real. He’d told me over and over again that this was a contract. He’d told me over and over he didn’t do love. He’d reminded me that he wasn’t the man for me. I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t listened to him.

Actually, that was a lie. I knew why I hadn’t listened to him. Because my heart was holding on to a string attached to the moon and the stars. My heart was hoping that God would answer my prayers and that TJ would fall head over heels in love with me. I thought that God loved me. I thought he answered prayers. I’d been asking him for years to let TJ fall in love with me. I guess this was one prayer he wasn’t interested in answering.

I reached over and grabbed my phone and called Sally. I needed to hear her voice. I needed her to tell me it was okay. I needed her to tell me that one day, I’d meet my Prince Charming. One day someone would love me as much as I loved them. Even if that someone wasn’t TJ.

“Hello?” Sally answered the phone, her voice out of breath.

“Hey, you busy?” I hiccupped.

“Just got done jogging. What’s going on?”

“Not much,” I said, my voice barely able to work through the tears.

“Are you okay?” She sounded concerned. “What’s going on, Mila?”

“I want to ask you a question,” I said, my voice wobbly. “You need to answer me honestly, okay?”

“Okay,” she said, her voice light. “What’s the question?”

“Did you ever think I had a real chance at a real relationship with TJ?”

“What?” she said.

“You heard me. Did you ever really think TJ was interested in me?”

“You mean did I ever think he liked you before this?” she said, her words slow.

“Yeah, or did you ever think he would ever really want me? Like a man wants a woman he’ll love for the rest of his life?”

“Why are you asking me this, Mila?” She sighed.

“Just answer me honestly. Answer me as a friend. Answer me as my best friend. And do me the honor of being straight. Not the best friend that wants to protect my feelings, but the best friend that wants to let her best friend know the truth.”

“Mila.” She sighed. “What is going on?”

“Answer me,” I cried out. “Just answer the question.” I sobbed for a few seconds. “Please.”

“No,” she said quietly, and her voice caught. “I’m sorry, Mila, but no, I never thought you and TJ would end up together, but that doesn’t mean that . . .” Her voice trailed off as I screamed into the phone.

“Stop. Don’t try and make me feel better. Just be honest with me. My heart is going to break either way. You trying to help my feelings isn’t going to make me feel any better.”

“You can do better than TJ, Mila,” she said softly. “Where is this coming from?”

“I’ll call you later,” I said and hung up the phone quickly and then turned it off. All of a sudden, I felt tired, deathly tired. My body ached and I just wanted to lie down on the bed. I got up out of the bath and grabbed a towel. I dried myself for a few seconds and then waddled to the bedroom and walked over to the bed and collapsed onto it and started crying uncontrollably, TJ’s handsome face filling my mind. I cried and cried until I started punching the pillow with my fists. I was so angry with myself. I felt so stupid. Like a fool and an idiot. How could I have put myself into this position? How could I have even thought for a minute that this was based on anything other than sex? TJ had never been interested in me. He’d never wooed me. He’d never come to me. Never asked me on a date. This was just a convenient hook-up for him. I wanted to scream at myself. Wanted to slap myself for thinking that he could ever love me.

What did I have to offer him? I wasn’t beautiful. I didn’t have a perfect body. I didn’t look anything like the other girls he dated. I wasn’t super smart. I wasn’t sporty. I wasn’t witty and intelligent. I didn’t follow the news or international affairs. We had no real interests in common. I had nothing to offer him. He had the whole world to give a woman. I was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

My sobs were so loud that I didn’t hear the front door opening. I didn’t hear him walking towards the bedroom. I didn’t hear him stop at the entrance to the bedroom door. I didn’t hear him standing there, staring at me, crying my eyes out and punching the pillow like I was being killed or that someone in my life had died. I didn’t hear anything. I just cried and cried because my heart was being pulled out of my body and I was slowly losing all will to ever feel good about myself or my life again. I felt like I was being broken in two. I felt like I was losing a part of myself in my despair. I’d never known what it was like to lose someone important before, but as I lay there crying, I knew that I was losing a part of my heart. A part of my innocence was forever gone.

And then I heard him. And then I looked up, my heart pounding, my face red and splotchy. I froze as our eyes met and his face was a mask of worry and concern.

“Why are you crying, Mila?” TJ walked into the room, his face grim and twisted as he approached me, his eyes studying my face. “Who hurt you? What happened?”

“No one hurt me,” I said as I looked away from him. How could I tell him that I was crying for myself because of him? Because he made me feel invisible? Because he’d never once looked at me in the way I’d seen him looking at the waitress in the restaurant? How could I tell him that I was crying because for once in my life I wanted to matter? I wanted to be the one someone wanted. I wanted to be the one admired. For all my laughter and plans, I was hurt inside. I was more than hurt. I was broken.

I’d tried to hide the fact that it hurt me that he didn’t care for so many years. I’d lied to myself that I wasn’t hurt and dejected. In my head and heart, I’d known that it would happen. I ignored the fact that he didn’t pursue me. I made all these excuses to myself for the reasons why, when the real reason was in front of me. He just didn’t care about me. Yeah, maybe he wanted to sleep with me, but I wasn’t his one. I wasn’t anything special. And knowing that, knowing that he’d never looked at me with that glint in his eyes that I’d seen when he’d looked at Madeline, killed me. It made me feel weak and empty and alone and there was nothing I could do to fix that feeling. There was nothing I could do to make him love me. There was nothing I could do to make him feel for me the way I felt for him.

I didn’t understand why. I didn’t understand how I could feel all these feelings, love him so much. I didn’t understand why I would want him so much, when to him, I was nothing.

“Tell me why you’re crying, Mila.” He frowned as he sat next to me. “Who do I have to beat up?”

“No one. I’m fine.” I gulped as he sat down on the bed and gingerly touched my shoulder.

“You’re not fine.” He lay down next to me and reached over to my face. “Tell me what’s wrong, Mila. Please.”

“Nothing is wrong.” I kept my eyes down. How did you tell someone that their not loving you had broken you without seeming pathetic?

“Mila.” His voice broke and I looked into his eyes. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, it doesn’t matter.” I tried to wipe my eyes. My whole being felt embarrassed and awkward.

“It matters to me,” he said softly. “Please Mila, talk to me.”

“You were mean to me tonight,” I said softly, not knowing why I was letting the words out. “I was just waiting on you. And that guy approached me and you were mean.”

“I didn’t intend to be mean,” he said stiffly.

“And then you were flirting with the waitress. I thought you were going to ask her out. It was so disrespectful.” I looked down.

“I didn’t realize I was flirting with her.” He sighed. “Is that why you’re crying?”

“I’m just emotional because I’m getting my period,” I lied. I didn’t want him to know I was devastated.

“I might have been flirting with the waitress because I wanted to make you jealous.” He touched my cheek lightly and I looked over at him and he had a weird look on his face.

“Make me jealous?” I asked him, confused.

“I was looking forward to our dinner all day and then I walk in and see you flirting with some guy.” He shrugged. “It made me upset.”

“We weren’t flirting.”

“He wanted you.”

“He was just being friendly.”

“Guys are only friendly to women they want.” He made a face. “He wanted you.”

“I didn’t want him.”

“I acted irrationally, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I took a huge breath and my heartbeat started to slow down as I calmed down a bit. So maybe he didn’t think the waitress was his soul mate, after all. Though, I still thought it was pretty shitty that he’d been flirting with her right in front of me.

“I’m an asshole.” He leaned away from me and lay flat on his back. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I said and lay flat on my back as well. We both just lay there, staring at the ceiling. I didn’t know what to say now. I wanted to ask him what he really thought about me, if he’d ever thought about me in any other way. If he’d ever love me. But I knew that would be pathetic. Just like me. I hated feeling this way. He’d think I was crazy, acting all emotional over nothing.

“Doesn’t it sometimes seem like the world is against you?” TJ finally said, his voice sounding different, less sure of himself.

“Yeah, it does,” I agreed, wondering what he was talking about. “Why do you say that?”

“I just sometimes feel that way,” he said, his voice even lower now. “Everything in my world has always been black and white. Hot or cold. Yes or no. But that’s not always how life works. My life has always been me against the world.”

“That’s not true,” I protested. “You have Cody, you have my family.” I didn’t want to tell him that he had me. That seemed too personal. Too revealing.

“Yeah, but in my heart and brain, it’s all been me against the world.” He sighed. “And I’ve always told myself that . . .” His voice trailed off and I waited for him to continue. However, after a few minutes of silence he still hadn’t said anything and so I spoke up.