Текст книги "Never Say Never"

Автор книги: Emily Goodwin

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Текущая страница: 15 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

Chapter 23

Rain falls on us in sheets, blowing into my eyes. Lightning cracks across the sky. I lean forward in the saddle and urge Shakespeare to go faster. We’re almost home. I’m soaked to the bone and cold. My fingers ache from gripping the reins, and my shoulders are sore from being hunched over, shivering.

Finally, we break out of the woods and race across the field, not slowing until we get to the road. Aiden keeps up next to us as we rush to the barn. I dismount and lead Shakespeare into his stall.

“Are you cold now?” I ask Aiden through chattering teeth.

He smiles. “Just a little.”

Thunder booms above us. Aurelia paces around her stall, unsure of what to make of her first thunderstorm. I quickly untack Shakespeare and grab a towel from the cross ties. Aiden does the same, and we dry the horses as fast as we can.

“Are they okay?” he asks.

“Yeah,” I say, my voice lost to another clap of thunder. “They’re a lot tougher than us. Plus they have fur.”

“Let’s go in,” he says as rain falls harder.

“Go ahead. I need to feed these guys.”

“You’re soaked,” he says.

“So are you. And you’re sick.” I step out of Shakespeare’s stall and meet Aiden in the barn aisle. My arms go around him. “You’ll get sicker. Go inside. I’ll be right in.”

“Not without you,” he says, turning and going to the bales of hay. He feeds the horses while I give medication and mix another bucket of formula for Aurelia. I’m not sure if I’ve warmed up or just become numb by the time we are done. Aiden takes my hand and we sprint out of the barn, racing through thick raindrops.

My hand lands on the doorknob and I push the lever down. “The key!” I say over the rain. “It’s in my saddlebag.”

Aiden laughs, tossing his head back into the rain. “Of course it is.”

My eyes lock with his and I laugh too. Lightning brightens the night, flashing across his dark eyes. “I’ll go get it.”

I dash off the back porch, sprinting through the wet grass and back into the barn. Aiden grabs me around the waist and kisses me as soon as I open the door. We step in, dripping wet, and laugh.

“That was fun,” he says, and he peels his wet shirt over his head. I open the laundry room door and take off my boots. We continue stripping out of our clothes until we are both naked. I pull towels out of the dryer and toss one to Aiden.

The lights flicker as a gust of wind hits the house. “Whoa,” I say, looking outside. “I didn’t know it was that bad.”

“We made it in just in time.”

I nod and wrap the towel around myself, feeling a little self-conscious of the scars. Being naked in front of Aiden while having sex was different from just being naked in front of him.

He has no problem with it, and I enjoy taking a look as he flips his head over to dry his hair. Chrissy licks up the puddles of rainwater around our feet. I reach for another towel right as the lights go off. I pause, waiting for them to come back on.

“Crap,” I say when the house remains dark.

“Hang on, I’ll get a torch,” Aiden says, and I hear material swoosh and the towel land on the ground. He turns on the flashlight on his phone and holds it up, shining it on my breasts. I raise an eyebrow and try to look pissed but end up shaking my head and laughing instead.

“Should we light some candles?” he asks.

Candles. Fire. Burning. Death. Mom. The towel falls from around my body, and I know just the mere mention of a word shouldn’t bring up that sort of response from me.

“Oh, shit. Sorry, Haley, I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s okay,” I say, and I pick up the towel. A chill goes through me and fear slithers down my spine. Am I completely losing it? “And yes, we should. There are candles in the cupboard above the dryer.”

“We don’t have to—”

“Yes,” I interrupt. “I need to do this.”

Aiden takes my hand, understanding. “Let me help you.”

I move my head up and down, taking in a steadying breath. It’s just a candle. Just one little flame. It can’t hurt me. It won’t hurt Aiden. We are safe.

I take a tea light and a lighter and go into the kitchen. I wrap the towel tightly around me, sticking the ends into my cleavage to keep it tethered. The tea light sits on the counter in front of me. I hold up the lighter, my thumb poised to push down and strike. Aiden puts his hand on my shoulder, and right then I know that I love him, and there is no denying it.

I close my eyes and push down. I can see a burst of light through my closed lids. I can feel the heat on my fingers, curled around the plastic device. Slowly, I open my eyes and look at the little flame. I lick my lips and lower my hand, lighting the candle. The flame takes a second to take.

I set the lighter down and step back, unable to keep my eyes off the candle. I’m shaking, and it’s ridiculous.

“Are you all right?” Aiden asks softly, his breath warm on the back of my neck.

“Yes,” I say with certainty. “I am, thanks to you.” I close my eyes again and step into him, my head resting on his bare chest. “It’s just a candle. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal.”

“It’s more than just a candle to you.” Wind shakes the house. He pushes my wet hair back. “Haley, what happened that night? I mean, what really happened? There’s something more to it—something that’s dragging you down into darkness. I don’t want you to go where I have been. I want to help you, but I can’t if you won’t let me.”

What happened was me going around the barn. What happened was Mom telling me not to go to toward the flames, but I did it anyway. What happened was my fault.

“I…I can’t.”

He kisses my forehead. “Not yet. You’re shivering; you should dry off and get dressed.”

We go upstairs, using Aiden’s phone for light. I rub my hair with a towel and dress in cotton shorts and a t-shirt. Aiden only puts on black boxer briefs and gets into bed. I climb in next to him, pulling the covers over us both. He envelops me in his arms.

“Talk to me, Haley. What happened?”

The truth kindles inside me, wanting out. “It’s my fault,” I blurt.

“What is your fault?”

I close my eyes, hearing Mom’s voice. Haley, no! I ignored her. I ducked under the fence and ran. “It’s my fault my mom died.”

“Haley,” he starts, in a tone that means he doesn’t believe me for a second.

“It’s true,” I say, breaking out of his embrace. Anger bubbles inside me. “She told me not to go near the fire, but I did. I heard the horses inside. I was the one who told her they were in there. If I had listened, if I had stayed away from the flames, she never would have gone inside. She never would have gotten trapped.” Tears bite at my eyes. “She wouldn’t have died.”

Thunder rattles the house, and Aiden looks at me, his eyebrows pushed together and lips in a tight straight line.

“I killed her.”

He casts his eyes down and shakes his head. “You can’t blame yourself for something you couldn’t control, Haley. She made the choice to go into the barn. You didn’t drag—”

“I know! I know she was an adult and could make her own decisions. I know! You don’t get it. It’s my fault!”

He reaches for me and I jerk away. His touch feels wrong right now. I’m tainted, broken, and I don’t want to infect him. “It’s not your fault.”

“Yes,” I whisper as tears roll down my cheeks. “I want so badly to go back to that day. To tell myself to just listen to her and stay away from the fire. It hurts so much, and this is why you shouldn’t be with me. I’m not a good person like you think I am.” I break down. Aiden sits up and holds me as I cry.

“It’s okay,” he soothes, but it isn’t—not at all. “You didn’t intend to put your mother at risk. You didn’t kill her. It’s not your fault.”

I didn’t intend to put anyone at risk. I just wanted to help the horses. I wanted to give them a second chance. My body shudders and I sniffle, wiping my nose with the back of my hand.

He lets me go and gets out of bed, returning with a box of tissues from the bathroom. I take one and blow my nose.

“Sorry,” I say, turning away. “I must look disgusting.”

“Good thing the lights are out,” he jokes, and I smile. “And you’re not disgusting, even if you try.”

“I’d say you’re a bad liar, but that’s not true.”

“Hey, it’s my job.”

I wipe the tears off my cheeks and crumple up the tissue, tossing it to the trashcan by my desk and missing by several feet. Aiden pulls me back down and runs his fingers along my collarbone.

“I love you,” he says, and he kisses me.

“Aiden, I…”

“It’s okay.” He lies down next to me, holding me against him. I run my fingers over the scar inside his wrist. He had his own demons, his own dark past. I bring his arm up and kiss the scar. I let out a breath and my heart doesn’t ache. I feel closer to him than I have to anyone.

I turn in his arms and hook my leg over his. “I’m trying,” I start.

He shakes his head. “Don’t try. You will love me, Haley,” he says with confidence. “I won’t give up until you give me your heart. And when you do, it will be because you want to, because you can’t imagine giving it to anyone else. You and I, we’re not that different. We are both broken and fucked up in the worst kind of way. We are meant to be.”

I forget to breathe. I close my watery eyes and kiss him. “I do love you, Aiden.” The last wall comes tumbling down, breaking into a million pieces as it falls. I’m holding nothing back. My heart is outside my chest, there for the taking.

He pushes up and moves between my legs, feverishly kissing me. “I fucking love you, Haley,” he says between kisses.

“It’s crazy and I’m scared, but I love you, Aiden, so much.”

“Isn’t love supposed to be scary and crazy? It wouldn’t be the same if it was safe and tame.”

“You’re right. And as out of control as this seems, it feel so right.” I bring his face to mine, needing to kiss him. My body reacts to my heart, and I need to feel him inside me, thrusting in and out. I need him as close as he can get, and I need him now.

“I want you,” I rasp, arching my back as his lips move to my neck, sucking at my skin. He just nods and reaches down, his hand going inside the shorts. He slips a finger inside, and I’m wet already. He slowly pushes it in deep, finding my g-spot and gently pressing against it, then releases. Pulses of desire shoot through me. His mouth is still on mine, and I’m kissing him, my hands tangled in his wavy hair. He presses and releases over and over, until my muscles tighten and I’m close to coming.

I yank off his boxers, and he takes the cotton shorts down to my knees. I bend my legs up, moving out of them. Then he’s on me again, the wet tip of his cock pressing against me. He pushes inside and lets out a small groan. I hook my legs around him and moan as he pushes in as deep as he can go. He holds himself there for a second, his lips locked with mine and his tongue in my mouth.

I run my fingers down his back and grab his ass, squeezing it and pushing him into me. Then he slowly pulls back and thrusts in. Hard. He pulls out again and pushes in harder and harder. Tingles run their way through me. He takes his lips off mine, moving them to my neck. His tongue lashes against my cool skin.

I love him. So fucking much. I cling to him, my head falling to the side. My nails dig into his skin as I come, the orgasm rolling through me with such force I can’t move until it’s done.

I push Aiden’s hair back and roll him over, climbing on top. His hands land on my hips, rocking along with me as I move up and down. I take his hands in mine and move them up, dragging his fingers along my side and over the scar. He cups my breasts and moans. I pant and lean forward. My wet hair falls over my shoulder. I shake it back and put my hands on his chest, my mouth opening and muscles tightening.

He grabs me, pulling me down onto him right as I come again. He flips me back over and quickly thrusts into me. A stream of warmth fills me as he finishes, and it’s only then I realize he didn’t put a condom on.

My heart still racing, I hold on to Aiden. He flexes his hips and pushes in, letting out a final moan. He relaxes against me with his head on my breasts. I run my hands over his hair, panting.

“I meant to pull out,” he says and sits up. “But I couldn’t make myself. Sorry.” He shrugs and lays down next to me, taking my hand in his.

“It’s okay. It’s just this once.” I stopped taking birth control last month. I didn’t think I’d need it anymore. My period has yet to start, but I know better than to think that was enough to keep me safe from getting knocked up.

“I don’t have anything,” he says. “In case you were wondering.”

“I hadn’t thought about that,” I confess. “I’m just hoping we didn’t make a baby Aiden right now.” His face pales and I laugh. “I’m sure we’re fine.”

He rolls over on my stomach and kisses me. “Say it again.”

I smile and look into his eyes. “We’re fine.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I love you.” His lips crush against mine and he hooks his arm around me. “Wait,” I say and reach for the tissue. “It’s seeping out.” Aiden makes a face. “It’s your stuff,” I say, holding a tissue between my legs as I get up and go into the bathroom to clean up. My head is spinning from the roller coaster of emotion I’ve been on.

Love is scary and crazy.

It’s supposed to be. And it means having someone there to walk with you through the storm, picking you up when you can’t go on, carrying your baggage when you don’t have the strength to do so anymore.

I get back into bed with Aiden, falling into his arms. This is crazy. This is scary. This is exactly what I want, what I need. And I’m never letting him go.

“This is what happens when I work doubles on the weekend,” Lori says into the phone. I switch hands and slow my Jeep to a stop at a light. “I miss all the gossip.”

I yawn and kick myself for forgetting my mug of coffee on the kitchen counter. Oh well, at least it’s there and ready for Aiden whenever he gets up. Being wet and cold made his fever come back, and I spent the rest of the night doting on him. It was the least I could do, really. He’s given me so much, made me feel even more. He healed me.

I smile. “You did miss a ton.” I roll down my window, squinting in the sun. I’m almost to work, and I just filled Lori in on one of the most emotional yet best weekends of my life. I left my sunglasses at home as well. I let out a breath, still smiling. “He invited me to go to a movie premiere with him.”

“No way! You’re going, right? Please tell me you’re going.”

“I want to,” I say honestly. Thinking about getting dressed to the nines and walking down the red carpet with my arm linked through Aiden’s excites me. “And I will as long as I can find someone to take care of the horses.” I wince when I think of what it will cost me to get someone to come out to the barn multiple times a day to check on the horses. It’ll be more than just paying someone to come over twice a day to feed them. I need someone with a basic medical knowledge and know-how to treat wounds.

Okay…maybe going out of town is a bad idea. I can’t just leave the horses. I sigh. I have this week and next to figure it out. The new guy might not need as much care by then, but I don’t know. He has the drive to get better. I just hope that carries over into him actually healing.

“So, Aiden is still at your house?” Lori asks.

“Yeah. He was sleeping when I left.”

“Oh my God. How the hell did you force yourself away from that?”

I laugh softly. “It was hard. He’s so…he’s perfect, Lori.” I let out a deep breath and push on the gas. “Am I completely crazy?”

“Not at all. Sexy celebrity status aside, he seems like a really great guy who really cares about you. And,” she adds quickly. “It’s normal to be freaked out a bit when you start a relationship. With anyone. Especially one as passionate as what you guys have. Fuck, I’m so jealous. Seriously. This isn’t fair,” she laughs.

I nod, then realize she can’t see me. “Thanks.”

“What is he doing? Isn’t it killing you to know he’s in your freaking bed right now?”

It does, but half of that is because I’m so tired. “Yes. He sleeps naked too.”

“You are killing me!” she says, and I laugh. “What is he going to do? Just hang out?”

“Yeah. For today and tomorrow at least. He has to go back to California for some talk show, then he’ll come back to finish filming the movie. He’ll stay here again until next Thursday when he flies back home to L.A. for another interview and then the premiere. I’m leaving Friday after work.”

“Oh my God,” she says again. I hear her car door slam shut. “Ugh. I’m at work, but I don’t want to go in.”

“I hate work,” I grumble as I turn onto the street the press is on.

“Maybe you won’t have to work!” she exclaims.

“Way too soon for those thoughts, Lori,” I correct.

“Celebrity couples get married after like five or six months all the time. You’re like halfway to a diamond the size of your fist.”

I laugh and shake my head. “We’ll see.”

“Oh, before I go,” she starts. “What are you wearing to the premiere?”

“I don’t know. Aiden said he’d take care of everything.”

“That is so romantic!”

I shake my head but smile. “I suppose it is, and it’s not the first time he bought me a pretty dress.” I pull into the parking lot at work and cut the engine. “I’m at hell too. I mean work.”

“We should go in. On the count of three, hang up and march our asses inside.”

I get out of the car, not bothering to roll up the windows or lock the doors. “One, two, three.”

I end the call and drop my phone into my purse. I make a face but suck it up and go into work. I should be grateful I got a job in my field right out of college. Lori is still working at the Super 8, being bored out of her mind behind the front desk.

“Hey, Haley,” Shondra says, looking up from filing her nails.

“Hi,” I say with a smile.

“You look good today. Did you do something different to you hair?”

I flick my eyes up, like I could actually see my hair, and shake my head. I washed it last night and let it air dry. I went so far as brushing it and pushing it back with a headband this morning. I had to forego doing makeup since I lay cuddled up next to Aiden for ten extra minutes. “Uh, no. But thanks.”

She nods and goes back to her nails. I get as far as putting my purse on my desk before Mr. Weebly comes up behind me.

“Haley!” he exclaims. I turn, and his eyes go right to my chest.

“Hi,” I say with a pressed smile.

“So, it’s been a while. Put any more thought into that picture?”

Picture? What picture. Oh, right. The one he wanted me to get by using Aiden, the one he asked for weeks ago and won’t freaking let it drop. I tell him no every time he asks. I thought he’d stop after the second time, getting the hint I wasn’t going to illegally sneak a picture into the press. If it’s that important to him, he should creep around and take it himself. Geeze. “No,” I say and debate on telling a lie. It would be believable to say I hadn’t seen Aiden lately, really. He was busy and I was, well, just some girl from Montana, ya know, not the typical person an A-list actor hangs around. “If you want pictures, you need to contact his agency.”

His eyes narrow and he strokes his jaw. “Huh. Well, I’ll let you think about it for a few more days. You two must be pretty close by now.” He winks and my skin crawls. I know exactly what he imagines goes on between us. “The article you wrote about the horses was good,” he says. I just smile and nod, knowing he hasn’t even read it.

I sit at my desk, trying not to let that get to me. It makes me mad that people don’t think of Aiden as a person, only as a celebrity. He is so much more than that.

Chapter 24

I should be sleeping. I should be in bed, tucked in, catching up on the sleep I didn’t get last night. Or this morning. I dozed on the plane but never fell into a deep sleep.

I miss Haley, and being alone in my house is unnerving. I miss the Montana farmhouse, the tight fit in our sleeping arrangements.

I miss her.

She is worried coming back here will remind me of the life I used to love so much, but she is wrong. It reminds me how fucked up this life it, how all of Hollywood is. It stirs the darkness and it creeps up and takes a hold of me.

I should be sleeping, but I’m sitting at a private table in a bar with several cast mates from Shadowland. The place is packed and loud, the smell of body odor and perfume mixed with bleach and alcohol. It’s one of the hottest places in L.A., and fucking hard to get into. Unless you’re me, that is.

I down my third shot of Scotch and feel my mind unwind, yet the more I drink, the harder it is to hold back the darkness. It’s a battle, and for a brief moment the darkness wins. Then I drink more and drown it out completely. I don’t want to get to that point, especially when I have to be up early for filming, but I don’t want to feel the pain of the dark even more.

Everyone is talking and laughing, and I’m playing my part like I was born to do it, fooling them all. I’m deep in conversation—well, as deep as any drunk person can be—with my co-star on Shadowland, Sam McGuire, about who’s going to get killed off next, when someone slides into the booth next to me.

“Hey, Aiden,” she says into my ear.

I stiffen. Kennedy. I turn, and she’s right up next to me. She’s wearing a low-cut red dress and a full mask of makeup. I can’t deny that she looks good; Kennedy is a very beautiful woman. But her over-the-top look is too perfect and turns me off. From her airbrushed makeup to her surgically enhanced tits, everything about her screams fake, and it reminds me just how fake her affection for me was. Once, she noticed the cuts on my arm and made a snide comment about how ugly scars were.

“Hello, Kennedy,” I say without missing a beat. I relax my shoulders and smile—just like I should.

She leans in and puts her hand on my thigh. She’s drunk, or acting drunk, probably. She did that a lot in the months we were together, just for attention. “I haven’t seen you in so long,” she says. “How are you? You look good.”

“So do you.” I put on the charm without thinking. It’s what I do. It’s who I’m supposed to be. “And I’m good. Really good.”

“Aww, that makes me so happy to hear.” She bats her lashes. “You’re such a good guy, Aiden.” She scoots closer and flicks her eyes across the table. I see the flashing lights from the dance floor reflecting off a camera. Oh, for fuck’s sake. I move away from Kennedy. I haven’t kept track of her career since she parted ways on Shadowland, but I know she hasn’t worked on anything big. Is she getting so desperate for attention she’s staging a reunion between us for the fucking paparazzi?

“How’s your new movie?” she asks, leaning in again.

I sit back against the seat. “It’s great. We’re wrapping up filming soon.”

She laughs and touches my arm, curling her fingers under my sleeve. “Of course it’s great. And it must be keeping you busy. You’ve been so quiet.”

I nod. Between the movie and Haley, I’m busy. Really busy. I spend all my free time on the farm, with the woman I’ve given my heart to. “Yeah.” I cast Sam a look. He shakes his head then puts his fingers under his chin and pulls an imaginary trigger. I give him a tiny nod. That is exactly how I’m feeling.

“So that girl with the horses on your Instragram,” she starts. I internally laugh. I should have known this was about Haley. “She’s just some handler from the set, right? You were so sweet to post those pictures. Probably made her day.”

Should I start counting down the minutes until crazy Kennedy makes an appearance and begs for us to get back together? “She’s my girlfriend, which I’m sure you know.” I signal a cocktail waitress to bring me another drink. There were several pictures of Haley and me together circulating around the Internet. It was even a trending topic on Twitter when a picture of me kissing Haley in a coffee shop surfaced.

There is no way Kennedy doesn’t know.

She laughs. “You don’t date regular people.”

“I’m a regular person,” I say, my fingers tightening around the empty shot glass. I look up, feeling relief when I see the waitress bring my drink over.

“No you’re not,” Kennedy says. “We’re not regular. Aiden, what the hell? I know you had a few ‘issues’ when we were together, but come on. You’re joking with me, right? That girl is not your girlfriend.” She nudges my arm and laughs, looking out at the crowd again. She spots a man with a camera and moves in close, throwing her arms around me.

I want to shove her and tell her to get the hell away from me but stop, the image of my father pushing my mum to the ground flashing through my mind. The darkness rises, and rage floods my veins. I gulp my drink as terror plagues me. I will not be like my father. I twist away as the camera flashes.

“I’m not joking,” I say calmly, working hard not to cause a scene and freak the fuck out.

“Well, good luck with that. Where is your regular girl now?” She looks around the table like Haley will just appear. Anger boils inside me and I start to feel out of control. I take another drink, needing to calm down.

“At home,” I say, not explaining that “home” is her home, not mine.

“Interesting,” Kennedy says before she lets out a breath. I know she’s disappointed. Was she hoping to hook up? “Listen, Aiden, you should really think about this, okay? I only say that because I care.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I blink and finish my drink.

“Once the novelty wears off, you think she’ll still want you—want this? Oh, right, you think you’re such a stand-up guy.” She rolls her eyes and waves her hand at me. “Yeah, getting drunk, passing out and pissing your pants makes you a winner. Has this regular girl seen that part of you yet? She doesn’t get your life. She doesn’t understand how things work. And people who don’t understand—who aren’t impressed with what you are—don’t stay, Aiden. She’s not going to want a long-distance relationship with you, while she’s home cooking and cleaning and you’re on some exotic set with a sexy co-star. She can’t handle it. Trust me. Leave her before she leaves you, because that will not be good for your image. Aiden Shepherd, dumped by a nobody horse-trainer from Nowheresville, Montana.”

I sulk back, trying not to let Kennedy’s words bother me, but they do. Not the part about Haley leaving me, because I don’t think she will. I believe her when she says she loves me, even though she tried hard not to fall. What bothers me is the part about me drinking and passing out. I promised her I wouldn’t do that again, and I know I will break that promise.

I know I will break her heart when I said I never would. She is too good for me. I’m not a good person, and the darkness inside of me sometimes wins.

Like tonight.

I’m feeling worse and worse about myself, so I’ll keep going until I’m completely obliterated and can’t remember my own name. It doesn’t make things better. I know. Yet I still do it. Fuck. I can’t stop. I can’t resist taking pills and getting shit-faced. I promised I’d stop and I’m not going to. I hate myself for it.

I hate myself.

Soon Haley will too.

It’s only a matter of time, really. Everyone who knows the real Aiden Shepherd hates him eventually. Maybe it was a mistake letting Haley see me, the real me. Maybe then I wouldn’t have gotten in this deep and hurt so fucking much. And maybe she wouldn’t hurt either.

I’ve had enough, and I get up to leave, not saying a word to my friends. I pull my phone from my pocket to call Claire but stop. It’s two a.m. and she’s asleep. It’s a dick move to wake up her when I’m perfectly capable of getting my own cab and going home.

I text Haley when I sit in the back seat of the taxi. I have my hood up and hair in my face, trying to conceal my identity as best as I can. The cabbies around here are used to it and don’t get all star-struck, thank the Lord.

I miss you, I type. I hope I’m not waking you up. Just wanted to let you know I love you. It takes me several minutes to get the letters in the right order. I’m too drunk to type straight. I send the message and hope for a response, but I don’t get one. It’s good, really. She needs to sleep.

I’m tired, and my body aches as I go up the curved staircase to my room. I shower and lie in bed naked, cool air from the ceiling fan rushing over my damp skin, causing me to shiver. I’m cold now, and tired.

I stare into the dark, unmoving. Ten minutes pass. Then twenty, thirty, and I’m still lying there, unmoving.

My phone vibrates, pulling me out of the darkness. I sit up and grab my phone off the nightstand. It’s a text from Haley.

Haley: Miss you too. Get some sleep. Love you.

I smile and get under the covers, thinking of her. Yet I can’t sleep. I can’t shut off my mind, and now invasive thoughts are running rampant, showing me images of Haley’s lifeless eyes, skin on her face blackened and burned. And somehow it’s all my fault.

She worries there is something wrong with her, that her mind is broken. It’s not, not at all. She’s hurt, grieving, dealing with an enormous amount of guilt she shouldn’t put on herself.

What’s my excuse? Why is my mind so fucked up? I close my eyes and see death. If not my own, then that of others—others who I love. I think about dying, even when I want to live. I can’t escape the darkness no matter how hard I try. Not without her.

I can’t take the visions of Haley’s dead face flashing before me. I get up and open the top drawer of my dresser, taking a bottle of Ambien from the back. I pop a couple in my mouth and swallow them dry. My throat hurts from forcing the pills down. I focus on the pain and lie back down. Twenty minutes later I’m still awake, still getting flashes of death, still feeling my heart rip out of my chest at the thought of loosing Haley. I force myself up and pull out another pill bottle, my mind too fuzzy to read what I’m taking, but I think they’re pain pills. I take three or maybe four—fuck, I don’t know. I wash them down with a mouthful of vodka and fall back onto my mattress, waiting for the effects of the drugs to kick in and knock me the fuck out.

“Aiden!” Someone shakes me. “Are you okay? Can you hear me?”

“Mmmhh,” I groan, and I try to open my eyes. I can’t. I can’t move my arms or get a word out. I’m still drugged.

“Aiden, you’re freaking me out!” It’s Claire. She shakes me again then pats my cheek quickly with her fingers. “Open your eyes!”