Текст книги "Fading"

Автор книги: E. K. Blair

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Текущая страница: 6 (всего у книги 25 страниц)

Why didn't I fight more? Why did I just lie there? I am constantly replaying that night in my head, wondering what I could have done differently. What happened at the party that made his mood suddenly shift? I know that I led him on, and I shouldn't have. If only I could have just been honest with him from the start. Now I'm constantly haunted by his eyes, his voice, and the feel of his hands clamped around my mouth, keeping me from screaming.

He took so much from me. He took everything that wasn't his to take. I had only been with one guy, and that experience was far from a loving one. Preston was drunk off of keg beer, and the whole thing lasted less than a few minutes before he passed out on top of me. Why is this my life? Why did I allow this asshole to take all that was good in me? I feel like nothing.

When the rain lightens up, I drag myself off the ground and slide back into my car, leaving puddles of dirty water on my leather seats. I drive the rest of the way in a complete daze, feeling drained and emotionally exhausted.

I wander aimlessly into the apartment and head straight to the bathroom to strip out of my soggy clothes and grab some towels. I wrap one of them around me and lie down on the floor, enjoying the cold tile against my face. I savor the numbness I currently feel and drift off.

After my unexpected nap on the bathroom floor, I'm finishing up my makeup and getting ready to go to work. I have managed to pull myself together as much as possible to try and resume my normal routine, but the knots in my stomach won't seem to go away. I am nervous about seeing Roxy. I'm not sure what I will say if she notices the healing scars on my face. I think I have done a pretty decent job with my makeup, but I'm still nervous.

Walking out of the bathroom, I grab my purse and jacket then head out. Luckily, Jase hasn't been home today. I really needed the alone time. He and Mark are spending the day together, but they said they would be here when I get off work in a few hours.

Before I pull out of my parking space, I swipe my phone to see how many more missed calls and texts I have from Kimber. Her texts have turned rude and so have her voicemails. I really can't blame her though. Jase told me she came over the other afternoon when I was out running errands with Mark. She was pissed off and demanded to know where I was. Again, I told him to drop it, but I could tell he didn't want to. I don't want her mad at me, so I decide to finally send her a text.

Hey, I promise that I'm not mad at U. Just needed a little time away.

Will explain later. Love U.

If only I knew what the hell I was going to explain. I know I have to resolve this quickly because I will be going back to our house in a few days, and I really don't need any more awkwardness.

Mark and I have been spending time together when he isn't in class. I can see why Jase loves him. They are alike in many ways, and we have bonded pretty effortlessly. He's wanted to stay over, but I am too embarrassed for him to witness the nightmares that seem to come every night.

As I drive to work, I listen to music and try my best to act normal. I'm not even sure what that is anymore, but I desperately crave it. I feel different, and I don't like it. When I pull up to Common Grounds, my nerves intensify. I haven't seen any of my other friends all week. Only Jase and Mark. Will Roxy be able to see right through me? Will she ask questions? My heart is racing, and I start taking slow deep breaths to calm myself. Getting out of my car, I walk straight in and towards the back to put my things away and get my apron. I pass Roxy, and she is busy helping a customer. When I reach the back room, I take a minute to try and pull myself together.

I take one last look at my face in the small compact mirror that's in my purse before walking back out. Looking around, I notice that the place is dead. I really wish we were busy so that my interaction with Roxy would be limited. I'm nervous and want nothing more than to get back into my car and drive to Jase's apartment. I walk slowly to one of the stools by the front counter and sit down.

"You feeling better?" Roxy asks.

Nervously, I lift my head and answer, "Yeah, thanks," hoping she can't see what I am hiding under my makeup.

"That's good. I missed having you up here." She walks over to sit beside me and continues, "So, I never did hear what happened with Jack."

My body turns cold when she says his name, and I blurt out, "What do you mean?"

"The party? You telling him you weren't interested?" she questions. "How did it go?"

"Oh, um...yeah, it was fine," I say, stumbling over my words and hoping that will be enough to satisfy her, but I know that it won't. I really want to be left alone right now. Maybe being normal isn't what I want because all I want to do right now is run back to the bubble I just came out of. It's safe there. No questions.

Roxy chuckles and says, "That's all I get? Girl, you were freaking out. Seriously, what happened?"

I suddenly feel my ears heat, and before I can stop myself, I snap at her, "Nothing, I already told you. Can we drop it?"

I immediately feel bad, but I can't do this. I stand up and walk straight back to the bathroom to try and compose myself. I lock the door behind me, and the tears are back. I quickly wipe them away and rest my hands on the sink. Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I start thinking about what excuses I could use to get out of here. How am I supposed to do this? I spend a few minutes settling my nerves before returning.

"I'm sorry," I whisper as I sit back down next to Roxy.

She slides me a coffee and says, "Here. It's okay. I won't mention it again."

"Thanks."

After about an hour, the place starts to pick up, and I enjoy the much needed distraction. It's been a little tense and uncomfortable as Roxy and I struggle for conversation. But now the place is full, and there is a line of customers. Roxy is working the register while I move about quickly, making various versions of lattes and espressos.

When the line dies down, I finally get a chance to lift my head and realize that it's dark outside.

"What time is it, Rox?" I ask while I begin wiping down the counters.

"A little after ten," she says over her shoulder as she is replacing the receipt tape in the register. When she finishes, she walks over and starts helping me wipe down the machines. We are both silent as we clean up and prepare to close.

When eleven o'clock rolls around, we shut everything down and lock up. Before I can head toward my car, Roxy pulls me in for an unexpected hug. The gesture makes my eyes prick with tears, but I quickly blink them away. When she pulls back, I can see concern in her eyes, and I know that she knows something is going on. How could she not? I have been acting weird all night.

"Have a good night, okay?"

"Thanks, you too," I say, trying to avoid eye contact.

We both walk to our cars, and in an attempt to make this less weird, I look over my shoulder, and in a fake perky voice, I say, "See you Tuesday!"

"Yeah, see ya."

When I walk into the apartment, Jase and Mark are in the kitchen cooking dinner. They have music playing loudly, so they don't hear me when I enter. I stand there and watch them move around the kitchen, flirting with each other. Jase approaches Mark while he's standing over the stove and wraps his arms around his waist, kissing him on the neck. A part of me feels a little sad—envious. Maybe I'm just not meant to ever have that. When Mark turns around to look at Jase, he sees me.

"Hey!" he says excitedly. "We're making Italian tonight. You hungry?"

"Yeah, a little," I say, walking toward the bedroom. Why am I suddenly feeling sad? I wish I could get a hold of my emotions. I should be happy for Jase and Mark, not pitying myself. God, I am so selfish.

Closing the door behind me, I toss my purse on the floor. Walking across the room, I sit on the edge of the bed and take a moment to myself to just be sad. I need to get it out now before going back out there. I am sure the boys are sick and tired of my depressing moods.

I hear the creak of the door opening while I'm sniffing and quickly wiping away my tears. I really don't want to put a damper on the evening, so I paste on a smile before looking up to see Mark walking in the room.

"Hey, what's up?" I say in a fake cheerful tone, pretending that I wasn't just crying.

He closes the door and starts walking over to me. "What's wrong?"

I watch him as he moves across the room and sits down beside me. He places his hand on my knee and gives a light squeeze. "Nothing, just a weird day at work. That's all."

With a friendly smirk, he teasingly says, "You lie."

Not wanting to pretend, I just confess what's got me in my mood. "You're right," I softly chuckle. "Honestly, I love you and Jase, so don't take this the wrong way, okay?"

"Okay."

"I see how happy the two of you are, and I can't help but wonder...why not me? I know it's selfish, but..."

I don't finish, when Mark cuts me off and says, "You are not selfish." Shifting on the bed, he turns his body to face me. He looks extremely serious as he stares into my eyes. "I know what you're thinking, but stop. You will have that, I promise. Look, I can't even imagine how much everything sucks for you right now, but this does not define you."

Tears rim my eyes when Mark rests his hands on my shoulders and repeats himself sternly. "This doesn't define you." Leaning in, he kisses my forehead, and the tears slip out. He takes his thumbs, and wipes them off my cheeks. "It doesn't, okay?"

"Why does it feel that way? Maybe you believe that, but..." Looking down, I shake my head before looking back into his eyes. "None of this makes sense to me."

Tucking a lock of hair behind my ear, he says, "One day, this pain will make sense to you." He pulls me in for a hug, and I try to believe his words, but it all sounds too good to be true.

I pull back and attempt to lighten the mood as I grin and ask, "So, what are you boys cooking for me?"

Mark smiles, but I clearly see the concern in his eyes. "Jase is the one who is doing everything. I'm not much of a cook. I'm trying to look helpful, but all I'm doing is stirring the pasta." Laughing, he stands up, grabs my hand, and pulls me off the bed. "Come on, let's devour the bruschetta while we admire Jase's sexy ass moving around the kitchen."

I smile, thankful for the humor, and say, "Absolutely."

Walking into the kitchen, Jase strides over to me, pulls me in for a hug, and gives me a quick kiss. "Hey, sweetie. How was work?"

"Weird at first, but it wound up being a busy night, which was good," I say as I walk over to the wine rack and select a bottle of Nero d'Avola. I uncork the bottle and pour three glasses of the floral Italian wine. As Mark and I settle at the bar, Jase picks up his glass and stands next to us. No toast is needed when the three of us clink our glasses before drinking.

Mark and I sit, chitchatting, while Jase slices up a baguette for the bruschetta. This is exactly what I needed tonight: a relaxing evening with my guys, good food, and wine.

"So, what are you cooking?" I ask Jase as he's stirring a few pots on the stove.

"Lobster tortellini, vodka sauce, pan-fried asparagus, and roasted garlic bread," he says as he moves around the kitchen.

"God, that sounds good!" I look over at Mark and ask, "Hey, didn't your band have a show last night?"

"Yeah, we played at Blur. It was a great gig; the place was packed."

"I've never been there before," I say.

Jase looks over his shoulder at me and jokingly says, "Candace, you haven't been anywhere." He chuckles and then adds, "You should really hear them play sometime. You'd like their sound."

The conversation halts when there is a knock at the door. Mark walks over to open it, and my stomach sinks when I see Kimber standing in the doorway. I jump off the barstool, and Jase is immediately by my side.

"What the hell is going on?" she asks. She is pissed, and understandably so. Walking in, she throws her purse on the couch, and with her hands on her hips, she continues, "You two have been avoiding me all week, and I have no clue what I did to piss you guys off!"

"We're not pissed at you," Jase reassures her, but by the look on her face, she's not buying one word. "Candace just wanted a little time away, that's all."

"From me? I'm supposed to be your best friend?!"

I've seen Kimber worked up before, but not like this. She is visibly not only pissed, but I can tell that her feelings are hurt as well, which hurts me in return. It's not my intention to hurt her at all. I love Kimber, and we have never had secrets between us until now.

"Why won't you talk to me?" she demands.

"I'm sorry," I say, as Mark heads back into the kitchen. I walk over, sit down on the couch, and quickly think of any reason to give her. She moves to stand in front of me, and I know she is waiting for an answer. Nervous, I start to speak again, "Jack and I got into an argument at the party. I was upset, he was drunk, so I called Jase to come pick me up."

Jase butts in and adds, "I suggested she stay here in case he showed up at your house. That's all."

"So why couldn't you just call me and tell me?" The look in her eyes is calling bullshit on our lie.

"I didn't want you getting involved. You can sometimes overreact, and I just wanted everything to die down without any drama. It's no big deal, and I haven't heard from him. It's over, so can we just drop it?" My hands are sweating; I hate even mentioning his name. I really want this conversation to be done with. I look up at Kimber, and she is shaking her head at Jase and me.

"Bullshit!" she snaps as she grabs her purse off of the couch and heads for the door.

Jumping up, I say, "Kimber, wait. Please don't be mad at me. I'm coming back home this week. It's not a big deal, please don't make it into one."

She takes a step towards me and says, "You're the one who made it such a big deal when you decided to avoid me all week. We have always been honest with each other, but if you really want me to believe your story, then fine. I believe you." With that, she turns her back to me, walks out, and slams the door behind her.

"Are you sure everything is all right?" Jase asks as he is helping me unpack my bags.

After my fight with Kimber, I stayed a couple more nights with Jase. It was nice to have him there when I got home from classes on Monday. I didn't think returning to school would be as stressful as it turned out to be. I didn't miss much, so I wasn't stressed about that part. I guess it's more paranoia than stress. Truth is, I am terrified of running into Jack on campus. I know the likelihood of that happening is slim, considering I have been here for the past three years and our paths have never crossed before, but I can't help constantly looking over my shoulder while I walk around campus. The feeling consumed me every day, and when I got back to Jase's apartment, he was there when I broke down from all the panic I was trying to keep bottled up all day. He had asked if I needed him or Mark to help out by trying to meet up with me on campus, but none of our schedules matched up enough for it to be possible.

"Yeah, Jase. I can't stay with you forever, and you and Mark don't need me around all of the time." I start piling my dirty clothes in the hamper and get a load of clothes separated to wash. In all honesty, I don't want to be here. But I feel like a burden to Jase. He keeps assuring me I'm not, but I know he and Mark really want some privacy. I don't blame them. Plus, I haven't heard from Kimber since Sunday night when she showed up at Jase's, so my being back here at the house is unsettling.

Tossing my empty bags in the closet, Jase asks, "What time do you get off work tonight? Do you want me to meet you afterward?" I know he's worried about me since my new feelings of paranoia have surfaced. He met me yesterday after I got off work to simply walk me to my car and follow me home. But I really don't need him to keep doing that since I always walk out with Roxy or another employee.

"I close tonight, so I'll leave around eleven, but you don't have to meet me there. I'm working with Roxy, so I won't be alone," I say as I grab the basket full of clothes and walk out of the bedroom. I dump the basket off in the laundry room before heading to the living room. Jase takes his bag, and I walk him to the door. "Thank you."

Looking at me, he asks, "For what?"

"Everything." I barely get the words out when I feel the tightening in my throat. I'm not really good at expressing how I feel, but I wish I could because everything Jase has done for me this past week and a half has been beyond anything anyone has ever done for me. The compassion and love he gives me every day means the world to me.

"Sweetie, I feel like I haven't done nearly enough," he says. But he has. He couldn't have done anything more.

I shake my head and start to cry. He knows me well enough that no words are even needed. He pulls me in, and we hold each other tightly. I press my head into his chest, and the tears keep coming. Jase combs his hand through my hair while I cling to him.

"You keep the key to my place, okay. Come over anytime you need, even if it's the middle of the night."

Nodding my head, I pull back and look into his eyes. I lift up on my toes and give him a quick kiss. "I love you."

"I love you, too," he responds as he opens the door. "Text me tonight when you get home."

"Okay." Shutting the door behind him, I walk back to get my laundry started and to start reading for one of my classes.

As soon as I get into my car, I pull out my phone and text Jase to let him know that work was fine, and I am heading home. Kimber had classes all afternoon, so I didn't see her before I left for work, but I know she will be there when I get home.

Roxy is starting to get a little concerned about me. She keeps asking me questions and wanting to make sure everything is all right. I try assuring her that everything's fine, but I know she doesn't believe me. I can't blame her really. Just like at school, I keep fearing that Jack is going to walk through the doors at work. Every time the little bell over the door rings, the anxiety builds in my stomach, and I know Roxy notices.

Pulling up to the house, I see Kimber's car out front. I didn't tell her I was coming home today. Walking inside, I make my way to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water before I go to my room. I see Kimber sitting at the bar when I enter.

Looking up at me, she says, "Hey, I didn't know you were coming back today."

"Yeah," is all I manage to say as I open the fridge and grab a water. The silence is very awkward, and I just want to go to my room and not deal with this tension between us. "Well, I'm really tired, so I'm going to head to bed."

"Yeah, okay," she says quietly.

I really hate that things feel so strained between us, but I am not sure what to say to her. She knows I'm lying to her, and I feel bad for that but not bad enough to tell her the truth.

I brush my teeth and slip on some sleep shorts and a tank top before taking my sleeping pill that the doctor prescribed to me. Since I started taking them, I haven't had any more extreme nightmares. I lie down in bed and grab my phone off the nightstand to text Jase one more time. I've gotten used to sleeping with him in the same bed, so lying here alone feels strange, almost scary. I've been clinging to Jase as my life support lately, and not having him here with me makes me wish I was back in his bed, in his arms—not alone.

Goodnight. I miss U.

Miss U too. Did U see Kimber?

Yeah. Didn't really say much. It's awkward.

I'm sorry, sweetie. Hopefully it will get better and things will get less weird for you guys.

Maybe. Is Mark with you?

Yeah.

Tell him I said HI. Love you guys.

We love you too.

2 weeks later

Things are still tense with Kimber. We hardly even talk anymore aside from the civil greetings when passing by. I keep apologizing, but she is still mad at me. I wish we could move past this and go back to the way it used to be. But I'm beginning to think that the way it was is the way it will never be. Things are starting to get a little more comfortable at work. Roxy has never mentioned Jack again since that first night back. I've been having issues with being alone at night, so I have been spending a few nights a week with Jase. Either he comes over or I go to his apartment. Once I'm asleep, it's pretty restless. Lying in the dark, waiting for sleep to come, is the hardest part. Every time I close my eyes I am back in the alley, on the ground, with him.

Ms. Emerson, my dance instructor, has been making my life hell lately. I never miss a class; in fact, I have been clocking in a lot of after hours studio time. My moves are flawless, but she is on me about feeling the dance. She keeps telling me that she's watching a perfect dancer, but I'm dead. There is nothing behind my movements. The problem is, I don't know how to fix that because frankly, I feel like I am wasting away. But when I dance, it's the only time my mind feels free of the pain that is constantly consuming it.

4 weeks later

Kimber found my sleeping pills. She needed to borrow my hair dryer when hers bit the dust. While she was in my bathroom, she saw the bottle that I had accidentally left out. When she kept questioning me, I told her I was taking them because the stress of school was keeping me up at night. I don't know whether she believed me or not, but it really doesn't matter since our relationship seems to be drifting further apart.

I fought with my mother this morning when she called to bitch at me for not being a better daughter and returning her phone calls. I hadn't spoken with her or my father since the blowout about me not attending the banquet that honored my mother. Every time either one of them calls, I just let it go to voicemail, but this time I answered. My lack of conversation ticked my mother off, and she went on another one of her tangents about how childish and disrespectful I am. I didn't argue back. I didn't have the energy, so I just sat there and let her say everything she needed to say. If it wasn't for her pushy attitude, I would have never agreed to go on a date with Jack, and none of this would be happening. I know what he did isn't her fault, but I hate her for it anyway. So when she finished lecturing me on her expectations, I simply disconnected the call without saying anything.

6 weeks later

Yesterday was a horrible day. My mind has been consumed with flashbacks, and the stress finally caught up to me. After dance class, I came home. Kimber was still on campus, so I thought I would take a quick nap before having to go into work. I woke up screaming, and I couldn't calm myself down. My heart was racing, and I must have been hallucinating because even though my eyes were open, Jack was right there with me, muffling my mouth with his hand and ripping my clothes off. No matter how much I fought, he wouldn't stop. I huddled down in my closet and tried shielding my eyes from the images of him, but he was there too. With me in the dark. I felt like I was going to die. The pounding of my heart made my chest hurt, and I could barely breathe.

I managed to call Jase when I started to calm down. He came over right away and sat with me in my closet while I sobbed uncontrollably. It seems that no matter how hard I try to let go of it all, Jack finds a way to creep into my head and remind me of everything I want to forget.

I decided to go ahead and go into work, even though Jase wanted me to call in sick. But I really needed the distraction. It was a busy night, so I didn't have much time to think about anything other than making lattes. In fact, I barely even noticed the taunting bell above the door, which usually has me in a constant state of paranoia. The busier I keep myself, the less time my mind has to wander. So when I am not at Common Grounds, I'm buried in schoolwork: dancing and studying.

8 weeks later

Jase has been trying to convince me to see a therapist. He believes my erratic behavior is post-traumatic stress disorder. The last thing I want to do is talk, so I brush him off and pretend like it's no big deal whenever he brings it up, which is often. All I need is a little more time to pass, and things will get easier. I keep telling myself this every day, but so far, nothing has changed. I can do nothing but hope that one day I will wake up and things will be different.

Ms. Emerson told me to report to her office this afternoon at three o'clock. I have never been to her office before; I hadn't even been singled out in class like I have been lately. She's constantly barking at me in class, telling me to feel more. I can only imagine that this meeting will be more of the same.

When I pull up to the studio, I take a deep calming breath before getting out of the car. Feeling nervous as I walk into the building, I head down the hallway to all the instructors' offices. When I reach her closed door, I take a few moments before lightly knocking on the door.

"Come in," she says loudly, and I slowly open the door and peek my head in. "Ms. Parker, please, have a seat," she says as she motions to the large leather chair with weathered nailheads.

Sliding my purse off my shoulder, I plop it on the floor next to the chair before sitting down. I look at Ms. Emerson as she folds her hands together on top of her desk and clears her throat.

"Ms. Parker...Candace?"

"Please, call me Candace," I answer as I fidget with my watch.

"I can't help but notice a decline in your performance lately, and it's beginning to concern me."

"Oh..."

" I've never had to worry about you in the past, and frankly, I never thought I would be needing to have this conversation with you, but..." She backs her chair away from her desk, stands up, and walks around, leaning against the desk as she now stands directly in front of me. "Is there something going on? Something that has caused this sudden shift with your dancing?" Her voice softens when she questions me. I'm surprised by her tone of empathy.

Shaking my head, I say, "No. I'm not sure what's causing this struggle." Only I do. And the knowing causes me to swallow back hard and fight to keep the tears from pooling in my eyes.

When I look at Ms. Emerson, I see the concern. An emotion I thought she couldn't possibly possess. My body betrays my act of strength when I feel my chin start to tremble as the emotions build inside my tightening chest.

Slightly tilting her head to the side, she pushes, "You sure?"

There is no way I can speak right now, so I simply nod my head.

She pushes herself off the desk and sits down next to me in the matching leather chair. Shifting her body to face me, she continues, "Dancers like you don't often walk through these doors. When I first saw you three years ago, I knew I was seeing something special. You are destined to have a successful career, and I've never had to worry about you. You breathe this." Hearing her words, I lose my composure and let the tears escape. "But it's almost November, and your time here is limited. Whatever this is...we need to fix it. I see perfection, but I no longer feel the passion in you. I feel emptiness."

Agreeing with her last statement, I nod my head and say, "I'm sorry. I don't...I don't know what to do to fix this."

She reaches over and covers my hand with hers. "Whatever is making you shut down, allow it to come to life inside of you."

Her words are my greatest fear. Would she be telling me this if she knew? I know I have to find another way—I have to.

"I believe in you, Candace. I wouldn't have called you in today if I didn't."

I am taken back by her candidness, and I know she isn't saying this for my sake. She means it. Wiping my tearstained cheeks, I say, "Thank you."

She stands up, and I lean down to grab my purse before doing the same. As she walks back behind her desk, I make my way to the door. Holding the door handle in my hand, I turn over my shoulder and assure her, "I'll fix this."

"I know you will," she replies as she sits down.