Текст книги "Fading"

Автор книги: E. K. Blair

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Текущая страница: 18 (всего у книги 25 страниц)

"He knows."

"You told him?" he says in surprise.

"I didn't really have a choice," I tell Jase. "I had another nightmare last night."

"What happened?" he asks as he shifts on the couch to face me.

"I freaked out with him in the bed. It was humiliating. So, I had to tell him."

Jase reaches over and grabs my hand, holding it tightly when I continue. "I've never said it before. I never wanted to say the words. I mean, I have silently in my head, but never out loud."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"What did he do?"

"I mean, what could he do? He listened and assured me that it doesn't change anything with us. I was scared he'd want to leave. I wouldn't have blamed him."

"God, Candace, I'm sorry, but he needed to know. I'm glad you told him," he says with sincerity.

"I told him I loved him." A grin spreads across his face and I say, "Don't embarrass me, Jase."

"I won't. I swear."

Taking my hand from his, I grab my glass of wine from the coffee table and take a sip when he asks, "Do you know what he's doing for your birthday?"

"Jase, you know I hate parties and presents. It's all awkward and uncomfortable. Plus, I haven't told him it's my birthday."

He laughs at me and says, "You're so weird."

"Seriously, we have never done anything before, why start now?"

He takes a swig of his beer, then suggests, "Let's at least get together. We can go do dinner at Mark's. No birthday cake. Promise."

"Fiiine," I whine and then give him a tiny smile. "I'll let Ryan know. And no presents. It's just stupid."

"None."

We sit together on his couch and continue to drink and catch up on what's been going on in each other's lives. It's Friday night, and Ryan is at work. One of Gavin's bands is playing there tonight, so he and his friends decided to make a night out of it. He wanted to cancel when we woke up this morning, but I told him that it would make me more uncomfortable if he didn't go because of me. Plus, Jase and I had already made plans to get together, so Ryan agreed, although with much hesitation.

I nearly finish the bottle of merlot by myself and am drunk for the first time in my life. Maybe it was just everything that had happened yesterday that has me wanting to drink way more than I normally do. I'm barely coherent when Jase calls Ryan to come pick me up.

"Youuuu take me home," I slur out, and then burst into a fit of giggles.

"I can't. I've had too many beers. He'll be here in a bit. He just left the bar."

I lie down on the couch and close my eyes when the room begins to sway in a hazy way. Jase is talking to me, but it sounds like an echo at this point. When there is a knock at the door, I pop up on my knees, looking over the back of the couch as Ryan walks in.

"You're heeeere!" I scream and throw my arms into the air.

"Shit, man, what the hell did you give her?" he laughs out.

"She inhaled a bottle of wine," Jase tells him.

Pointing to Ryan, I shout, "You'rrre hot!" and then burst out into another fit of uncontrollable laughter.

"Okay, party's over, babe," he says as he walks toward the couch shaking his head humorously at me.

"Noooo!" I pout as I jump up to my feet on top of the couch and feign authority.

He grabs me behind my knees and throws me over his shoulder as I continue to giggle.

"Alright, let's go."

I reach down, grab his ass, and squeal, "Niiiice!"

"Oh yeah. You like that?" he says through his chuckles, and I can hear Jase laughing as well.

Looking up, I wave to Jase, "Byyyye, buddy!"

"Call me tomorrow when you sober up."

"Bye, man. Thanks for calling me," Ryan says before hauling me to the elevator.

When we get inside, he sets me down, and I turn to the buttons and laugh while I swipe my hands over them, lighting each one up.

"Woohoooo!"

"Shit, babe! Do you know how long it's gonna take us to get to the lobby?"

"A looong, looong time," I say extremely slow.

He holds onto my hips to steady me and then smiles down at me. "You're so fuckin' cute when you're drunk."

"I'm druuuunk?!"

"Yeah, just a bit."

Slinging my arms around his neck, I hang my head back and look up at him. "You'rrre so tall."

"I don't think so. You're just really small."

"I like it!" I chirp out. "It's sexxxxy."

"You think so?"

"Ooooh yeaaaah." Lifting high on my toes, I slightly lose my balance and give him a sloppy kiss before cracking up in giggles.

He wipes his mouth and mumbles, "That was interesting."

While the elevator slowly makes its way down to the lobby, stopping on every floor, I decide to make myself comfortable on the floor.

Sitting in the corner, Ryan looks down at me and smirks as he leans against the wall.

"Can we some cake?" I mumble out.

"Babe, you're missing some words in there." The elevator dings again, and this time, the doors open to the lobby. "Come on," he says and he scoops me up, cradling me in his hold. I wrap my arms around his neck and say, "I wannn cake."

"It's the middle of the night. You have ice cream in my freezer. Just eat that."

"I told Jase nooo cake for my birrrthday, But I wannn some."

Setting me in his car, he says, "Birthday, huh? Why am I just now hearing this?"

"It'sss Thursdaay."

"Hmmm." He reaches over me to fasten the seatbelt, and I lay my head down on the center console.

When he gets into the car, he brushes my hair back. "How're you feeling?"

"Sleepy."

"Just close your eyes."

My head grows heavy, and I begin to drift while Ryan strokes my hair during the drive back to his place. He carries me inside and up the stairs to his room. Sitting me down on the edge of the tub, he goes to get me my clothes.

"Here. Do you want me to help you change?"

"No. I can do it," I say, not wanting Ryan to see me without my clothes on.

"Okay. I'm gonna run downstairs. I'll be right back."

"Okay."

I slip into my pants and cami, brush my teeth, then go to slide into bed. I don't open my eyes when I hear Ryan come back in and change.

"Candace," he whispers.

"Hmmm..."

"Babe, where are your pills?"

"Purse."

When he returns, I take my pill and some aspirin with the bottle of water he set on the nightstand. I roll over into his arms and curl up.

"Thanks," I whisper in the darkness.

"For what?"

"Staying."

Turning on his side to face me, he pulls me in flush against him. "I told you, I'm not going anywhere."

"I know, but that was before..."

"I love you. I wanna be that person you can bring anything to; the good and the bad."

"I love you, Ryan."

He kisses me slowly and then tucks my head under his chin. "I love you too."

Time passes and I hear Ryan's breaths as they slow into a soft rhythmic pattern as he falls asleep. My head is woozy, and I try to fight the sleep that is threatening to take over. My dream last night fills my head and haunts me. I don't want to close my eyes because I'm afraid Jack is on the other side. I toss and turn in my restlessness. Reaching over, I grab Ryan's phone to see the time is almost two a.m., and when I roll back over, Ryan is awake.

"What are you doing?" he asks in a sleepy rasp.

"Nothing."

"How are you even still awake?"

I lay my head on his chest and don't respond.

"Babe...?"

"I don't want to sleep just yet."

"Why?"

"I'm just...I'm scared I'll have another bad dream."

He kisses my forehead and says, "Try not to think so much about it. It's just you and me. Think about us. If you could go anywhere, where would you go?"

"Back to Indian Beach with you." I think about that morning; him telling me that he wanted to be with me, us kissing in the cold rain.

"Close your eyes and go back there. You and me sitting on the driftwood."

"Talk to me," I request, and he does. He replays our morning on the beach and tells me everything he was feeling. Confessing how nervous he was and how much he was already falling for me. His words chase away the fears of Jack, and I drift off before he finishes talking.

I've had more free time to spend with Ryan since my audition last week. We've started running again, and I even let Ryan photograph me. He said he wanted to get a few shots of my legs. He's been working on them for the past couple days while I'm in class. He showed them to me this morning, and they are incredible. It's pretty amazing what he can capture and enhance. I love that we can do that together. The way he looks at me when he takes my picture, it's an intimacy I haven't ever felt before.

When I get back from work, Mark's car is already parked in the driveway. We decided to have my non-birthday dinner here at the loft tonight. I told Ryan to not make it a big deal, and explained how my mother would always throw these extravagant birthdays for me, but how they were really her way of one-upping her friends.

My parties had more of her friends there than mine, and we never got to do what I wanted. They were always so formal when all I really wanted was a simple white cake and to play silly games. Instead, for my sixth birthday, I had a tea party at the country club. We all wore frilly dresses and fancy hats. So, ever since I left home, I prefer to do nothing for my birthday since the day only holds dismal memories for me.

When I walk in, I am happy to see the guys watching TV and drinking beer. I love each of them in very different ways and smile when I see them sitting there.

I walk in and give Jase and Mark a hug and a kiss and when Ryan motions me over, I go sit on his lap.

"I missed you," he says quietly in my ear and runs his nose down my neck. "Mmmm...coffee," he jokes.

I laugh and hop off his lap. "I'm gonna take a quick shower. I'll be back."

"Pizzas will be here in a few minutes," Mark calls out to me when I start up the stairs.

"All right."

After I shower and dry my hair, I decide to take it easy and throw on my pajamas. When I hear the doorbell ring, I hurry downstairs because I'm starving.

When I turn the corner, I see Ryan hugging his mom.

I'm surprised when I say, "Donna?"

"Candace," she says with a smile.

I walk over to her, confused, and give her a hug. "What are you doing here?"

"I wasn't going to miss your birthday. But I'm a little disappointed that I had to hear about it from Ryan when you and I talk every week."

When I look over at Ryan, he gives me a wink and a chaste kiss.

"Sorry, I...I don't normally do anything for my birthday, but I'm so happy you're here," I say and hug her again. "I can't believe you drove all this way."

"It's a few hours, dear. Hardly a chore." She takes my hand and walks us into the living room.

I introduce her to Mark and Jase, and they all exchange hugs.

"Mom, what do you want to drink?"

"A glass of wine will be good."

"Me too," I say.

"You're not gonna get drunk, slap my ass, and tell me how sexy I am, are you?" he teases.

"Ryan!"

I look at Donna with an apologetic look while Ryan is laughing at my expense in the kitchen.

"I didn't...I mean it wasn't..."

"Honey, we've all been there," she says with a hint of laughter.

Ryan walks back in, hands his mom and I our glasses of wine, and sits down next to me while his mom and I chat. Ever since Christmas, she calls me once a week to check in. At first it was a little uncomfortable, but we've grown close. She knows that I've been staying here with Ryan and how I feel about him. She's never once been judgmental or snarky like it was with my mother when she would call me. The relationship I have with Donna is one that I have been needing, now more than ever. She's nothing but supportive and encouraging, and I love her for that.

When the pizza arrives, we all sit around the living room and eat straight from the boxes. Ryan and I share the box with the pineapple pizza. I love that I can spend a night like this, in my pajamas, with people I care about.

Mark and Ryan gather all the boxes and take them to the kitchen when we are done. When they come back in, Ryan is holding a cheap grocery store birthday cake.

"Don't get upset, but you told me in the elevator that you wanted cake, so here it is."

He smiles at me as he sets it on the coffee table and Mark hands everyone a fork. We all sit on the floor, around the table, and eat. We don't bother cutting it; we just eat straight from the cake. When I can't take another bite, I throw my fork in and lie back.

"I'm gonna die," I moan out in discomfort.

"I don't get how you can be so tiny when you eat like a horse," Mark teases.

"Because I work my ass off."

"Please, you twirl around on your toes," he chuckles out.

"Oh yeah? When I find a pair of pointes in size Yeti, I'm gonna make you wear them, and then you can see what a workout it is."

"I'd pay to see that shit," Jase says.

Ryan and Donna clean everything up while Mark, Jase, and I continue to tease each other.

When we decide to watch a movie, Donna calls it a night. She's tired from the drive, but we will have all day tomorrow to hang out. While Ryan gets her situated in the guest bedroom, Jase, Mark, and I get comfortable on the floor and turn out the lights. We pull the pillows off the couch and chairs and huddle under blankets. Ryan returns and slides under my blanket, and we cuddle as we watch 'The Breakfast Club.'

By the time Allison throws the bologna and cheese on the statue and proceeds to make a sandwich out of Captain Crunch and Pixie Sticks, Jase and Mark head out. Once they're gone, I roll over and face Ryan, the only light being the flicker of the TV. I tangle my legs with his and snuggle in close.

"Thank you."

"For?"

"Your mom and the cake," I say with a grin.

He kisses my nose and says, "Anytime."

I slide my hand under his shirt and run it up his smooth back. "I love you."

He doesn't say anything; he only kisses me. It's all I need as I melt into him. I can taste the sugar from the cake and he caresses his tongue with mine. I grip onto his shoulder and wrap my leg around his hip. Grabbing onto my thigh, I tangle my other hand in his hair. He rolls on top of me and runs his palm up my side, under my shirt.

We've done this before, and I let myself relax because I know that he knows when to stop with me. I trust him, and I know he would never push me. I feel warm under his touch, letting him wrap me up in it. He makes my heart beat faster, and I just want to be close with him. I love what we have together, and I love him.

It's been two weeks since I told him my secret, and he hasn't once looked at me differently. When he said to me that it didn't change anything, I didn't believe him at first, but now, all I can do is trust him and what he says.

Ryan runs his soft kisses up my neck and then pulls away. "Come on," he says as he holds out his hand for me. "I want you in my bed, under my sheets."

I smile up at him before he grabs me and takes me upstairs.

Donna insisted we go to Common Grounds for breakfast while Ryan goes to the gym. She said she wanted to see where I worked, so when Ryan left, we got ourselves ready and I drove us to the coffee shop.

The place isn't too busy when we arrive. We walk up to the counter and I introduce Donna to Roxy.

"So, you're Ryan's mom?" she says with a smirk, and I know she wants to mention his hot-ass, as she does every time his name comes up, but thankfully, she keeps her couth.

"Yes, it's so good to meet you."

Donna doesn't look fazed at all by Roxy's unique style and her cobalt-blue hair.

"Likewise. So what are you girls up to today?"

"We're just here for breakfast," I tell her.

Donna and I give Roxy our order and when she hands us our drinks and muffins, we make ourselves comfortable on one of the cozy small loveseats.

"Thank you for driving up here. It really means a lot me," I tell her as I sip my hot tea.

"Well, I'm glad Ryan called me to tell me it was your birthday."

"Sorry, if it was last minute notice, but he didn't even know until last week."

She gives me a warm smile and says, "Well, I'm happy to be here. It's so good to see the two of you. I've never seen him so happy. All he seems to talk about when I call him is you. So, I take it you guys are getting more serious?"

It's not awkward for me to talk to her about Ryan. We talk about our relationship almost every week. Even though I haven't known her very long, she gives me the maternal support I've never had. She's been easy for me to let in.

"Yeah, I mean we love each other. I try not to think about it too much, but I sometimes worry about what will happen after I graduate."

"Well, have you thought about where you want to go?"

"I don't have a whole lot of choice in the matter. I have to go where the job is, and I have no clue what company will offer me a spot. That's what's so unnerving."

Swallowing a bite of her muffin, she asks, "What does Ryan say?"

"We haven't talked about it. I've never mentioned it."

"You have to follow your dreams. I don't see Ryan standing in the way of that."

"I really do love him."

"I know you do," she says as she reaches for my hand.

"I don't know if I could ever leave him."

"Don't let your dreams fade away. Whatever happens, I know you two will find your way through it."

I smile at her words and hope that she's right. I know Seattle has a few outstanding ballet companies. I've expressed interest in a couple; I just hope that one of them will offer me a spot, but at the same time, I've always dreamed of New York. Ever since I was a little girl, I've been fantasizing about dancing in the city.

"Well, dear, Ryan told me to not get you anything, but..." She reaches in her purse and pulls out an old weathered box. "I didn't wrap it, so technically, it's not an official present."

When she places the box in my hands, I look at her in disbelief. "Donna, I can't."

"I've had it for years, dear. It's just an old, dirty book, but I saw you reading it at Christmas, so I thought you wouldn't mind having a copy."

I open the box, and I know it's the original publisher's box. Pulling out my favorite book from my childhood, I open it up to see the publishing date is 1935.

Shaking my head, I say, "But this is a collector's edition. How...?"

"When I was a little girl, I loved this book. My grandmother bought this for me when she found it in a rundown antique shop. I bought a current published version for the kids that I keep out, and when I saw you reading it, I figured you would appreciate having this version."

When I start to shake my head again, she places her hand on top of one of the original prints of Frances Hodgson Burnett's book, 'A Little Princess,' and says, "Like I said, it's an old book that has been sitting at the top of my closet for years, doing nothing but collecting dust."

Tears prick my eyes when I think about what this book was for me when I was growing up. In a way, I felt a lot like the girl, Sara. She believed herself to be a princess, and even though her world was falling apart at the hands of someone else, she pulled through, despite the cruelty she suffered. I hadn't read it in years, but when I saw it at Donna's house, I read it again and found it to be just as meaningful as an adult as it was when I was a child.

I set the book in its box on my lap and lean over to hug her. "I can't tell you what this means to me. Thank you."

"Thank you for accepting it."

When she sits back, she smiles and says, swiftly taking the focus off of her non-present, "So, tell me, when do you find out about your audition?"

Placing the cover back on the box, I say, "Today, actually. It should be posted this afternoon around five."

"Either way, I am so proud of you."

Hearing those words from her, every time she says them, fills little empty places in my heart. I never got to hear those words from my parents, so hearing them now does tremendous things to me.

"Tell me about this production. How many dances will I get to see you in?"

"You're coming?" I ask.

"Are you kidding me? I can't wait to see you dance."

Again, filling up little pieces of my heart.

Smiling, I tell her all about the three ensemble pieces I will be dancing. While I talk, she asks questions and is sincerely interested. We continue to enjoy each other's company and relax in our slow lazy morning. When we finish up, we decide to walk around the block and into some of the little boutique and fragrance shops. We both buy a few things here and there as we hop from store to store.

When I look at the woman Donna is, it's hard for me to imagine what her life used to be like with Ryan's father. Ryan told me that the night his dad died, he had beaten Donna pretty badly, smashing a coffee mug into the back of her head. Ryan was just coming home from a party and walked in on it. He said he lost all control of himself and started throwing punches. His dad managed to grab a knife from the counter and that's how Ryan got the scar on his ribs.

Once his dad died, Donna was determined to put that life behind them. Seeing them now, you would never know the hell they lived with. I know that Ryan still deals with the memories of it all. He told me that he's scared that he'll wind up like his father, and that's why he's never wanted to get serious with a girl. So he got pretty good at shutting down when he was with women. I hate to think about him being like that; I can't even picture him as that person because all I have ever known is the way he's always been with me.

Leaving the last store, we make our way back to the loft so that Donna can pack and start driving back to Cannon Beach. It's a little after twelve by the time we get back, and Ryan is waiting on us.

"Damn, that was a long breakfast," he says when we walk through the door carrying all of our shopping bags. Walking over to us, he kisses his mom and then me before taking the bags and setting them on the table.

"Sorry, time got away from us. If I didn't have to go home, I would have spent the whole day with her."

Ryan throws his arm around my shoulder and teases his mother. "Well, thanks for bringing her back, I'm sick of sharing her."

"Ryan!" I say as I nudge him playfully in the gut.

"Sorry, babe, but it's the truth," he says, then starts facetiously ravaging my neck.

"Okay, kids. I've seen enough. I'm going to go pack," Donna says, as she's already halfway down the hall.

"Ryan, that tickles," I chuckle out, trying to wriggle out of his arms, but it only encourages him. Picking me up off the ground, he carries me to the couch and lays me down. Softening his kisses, he asks, "Did you have a good time this morning?"

"Uh huh," is all I can manage to say when he licks the hollow of my neck.

"Ryan, we should stop."

"Why?" He says this without taking his lips off of me.

"Because your mom is about to leave, and you should go spend a little time with her before she goes."

He lets out a sexy groan and pulls away. "Okay, but I'm not done with you," he says as he starts to walk away.

I give the two of them some alone time to visit while I start unpacking my new purchases. After hanging up my new dresses in Ryan's closet, I put my new bottle of perfume on the bathroom counter. When I look around his room and see my things, it makes me happy to be sharing this space with him, but it also reminds me that I'm not at home with Kimber. I've been so wrapped up in Ryan these past few weeks that I haven't thought much about her, but now I wonder. Wonder how she's feeling about everything, wonder if she's mad that I left again, wonder if I can mend this fracture between us.

"Candace," Ryan hollers from downstairs.

"Coming," I say, and when I get to the door where Donna is standing with her bags, I suddenly feel a twinge of sadness creep over me. A part of me doesn't want her to leave. She's become someone special to me, and having her near brings a peace that I've been missing all my life.

I don't say anything when I reach her, I just let her hug me, and when I feel the tears puddle in my eyes, I pull back. When she sees my sadness, her face pains. I blink, and the tears roll down my cheeks.

"Dear," she says softly before pulling me back into her arms, and I feel Ryan's supportive hand on my back.

"Come see me, okay?"

When I let go of her, I nod my head, not able to speak around the knot in my throat. Ryan wraps his arms around me from behind, and I lean back into him.

"When is your next break?"

Ryan answers for me, knowing that I don't like to talk when I get like this. "She has the last two weeks of this month off before her last quarter."

Looking at me, she says, "You and Ryan come visit, okay?"

As I nod my head, she picks up her bags, and Ryan says, "Mom, let me take those out for you."

"That's okay. I've got it. Stay in here with her."

"Thanks for coming, Mom. Call me when you get home."

"I will, and call me when you find out about the solo."

"We will," he responds.

When the door closes, Ryan turns me around in his arms and holds me until I can compose myself enough to pull away.

Cupping my head in his hands, I look up at him when he asks, "You okay, babe?"

"I hate that she lives so far away. I really like having her around."

Wiping my tears with the pads of his thumbs, he says, "I know you do. We'll go visit her when you're on your break."

I rest my head back against his chest, and I take a moment before saying, "My parents never even called me."

He runs his hand up the back of my head and grips me close when I add, "I mean...I knew they wouldn't, but it still hurts."

"I know it does."

I inhale a deep breath and let it out when he says, "Come on, let's go grab something to eat before we go to the campus."

"Sounds good. Give me a few minutes to freshen up?"

"Of course."

We have a long lunch at Eastlake Bar and Grill before driving to UW. We park and walk to Meany Theater. Walking up, I can see a crowd of fellow dancers walking inside to see if their name is one of the two that will be listed. I feel the butterflies in my stomach and turn to Ryan, "Can we just go for a walk first?"

"What? Don't you want to find out if you got it?"

"Yeah, but not around everyone else."

Holding my hand, he turns the other direction. By the time we walk through the quad and back to the theater, the crowd has dissipated, and we walk inside. My palms start to sweat when I see the white sheet of paper taped to the wall. When I step closer, I let out a loud sigh in disbelief. Shaking my head, I turn to Ryan and say, "I can't believe it."

"Believe it."

My rapid breathing slowly turns into laughter, and I sling my arms around Ryan's neck as he picks me up. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I squeal out, "I really can't believe it!"

Looking up at me, he smiles, wide and gorgeous. I lean my head down and kiss him, but it doesn't last long with my excitement. When I look up, I see Ms. Emerson and Sergej walk through a set of double doors. I jump out of Ryan's arms and try to reel in my emotions, but I can't seem to wipe the cheesy smile off my face.

When they walk past me, Ms. Emerson stops to face me. I notice a small twitch in the corner of her mouth as she gives a slight nod of her head before turning and walking out the door. Spinning around to Ryan, I can't contain myself, and I cover my face with my hands as I feel a weight being lifted from my chest that I never knew was there.

"Come over here," Ryan says, and I walk to him, straight into his embrace. "You're amazing, you know that?"

Looking up at him, I confess, "Because of you."

"No, babe. It's all you."

Today has been a mixture of emotions, and after I finish brushing my teeth, Ryan slides his arms around my waist from behind and starts kissing my neck. We watch each other in the reflection of the mirror, and when I turn around to face him, he picks me up and sets me on the edge of the sink. Tilting my head back to look up at him, he says, "You're fuckin' gorgeous."

He makes me laugh as he leans down to kiss me. My legs wrap around his waist, and I twine my fingers in his hair when he picks me up. When we fall into bed, he trails his kisses down my neck, and my body starts to shiver. He slowly pulls back and gazes down at me with an intensity burning in his eyes. Sliding my hand up his chest, I wrap it around his neck and pull him back to me.

Our kisses are slow and with a passion I haven't felt before. I thrust my tongue into his mouth and taste him, throwing myself into our kiss. His arms band tightly around me, and I've never felt so safe. My mind blurs, and I begin to lose myself in his touch.

When he lifts my back off the bed, I'm barely thinking when I pull off my top as he lets out a low groan. Lowering me back down, he shifts his hips between my legs and drags his head down to my breasts.

We've never moved quite like this before, but a part of me doesn't want to stop. What I feel for this man is more than I ever thought I was capable of feeling. For a while, I thought I would never truly laugh again, but with Ryan, I'm my happiest. He gives me what I have been desperate for. Feeling him on my fingertips is enough to take me over, and I now want more.

Dragging his mouth from me, he pants, "We should stop."

I'm not sure I want to though. I know I will never love anyone the way I love him; he's all I want.

"Don't."

"Babe," he says in heavy breath, searching my face.

When I look up in his eyes, I see all I ever want to see. He loves me in a way I never thought I could be loved.

"I don't want you to stop."

"I need you to talk to me."

I can tell he's unsure, I see it in his face.

"I don't want to stop tonight."

He closes his eyes and drops his head to mine. "Please tell me this is okay." When I nod my head against his, he says, "I need to hear you say it, babe."

Cupping his face in my hands, I say, "It's okay. I want this, with you, I just...I don't know if I can."

There is a worry in his eyes that I don't want him to have. Although I'm scared, I know I want him.

I take his hand with my trembling one and place it back on my breast and whisper, "Just touch me."

He leans down and kisses me, long and slow while he slides his hand underneath my bra strap and slips it off my shoulder. I've never taken my clothes off in front of him before, and I feel the anxiety pool in my belly as he slides the other strap down, kissing my bare shoulder along the way. Pulling the fabric down, my pulse quickens, and in a moment of nervousness I confess, "I'm scared. I've never..."

Sweeping my hair back, he assures me, "It's just you and me. You're all I'll ever want."