Текст книги "Fading"

Автор книги: E. K. Blair

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Текущая страница: 22 (всего у книги 25 страниц)

After a while, I give up on thinking too much about it all and slip the card back into my sock drawer. If I was going to do anything about it, I should have done it already. I need to just let it go, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to throw the card away.

Ryan and I jog up the steps of my house after our morning run. It's still early out, and the sun is just starting to rise behind the grey clouds that blanket the city. Once inside, we each grab a bottle of water and go back to my room so I can clean up.

Shutting the door, he walks up behind me and starts planting kisses on the back of my neck. I reach up and wrap my hand behind his damp neck. His kisses make me shiver, and he grazes his lips over my ear and says, "I want you in your bed."

It may sound weird, but we haven't ever had sex in my bed, but then again, Ryan rarely spends the night here with me and the few times that he has, Kimber was home, and it made me feel uncomfortable with her in the next room. But she is gone this morning, and the way his kisses are affecting me, I don't want to say no.

Turning around in his arms, I start tugging up his shirt. He reaches over his head and pulls it off at the same time I take mine off. We stumble over to the bed and when we collapse on it, we are a tangled mess, fumbling to get each other's clothes off. Running my lips down his neck and along his broad shoulders, I taste the salt on his skin. I knot my fingers in his sweaty hair and pull him down on me.

My body bows into his when he grinds his hips into me, pushing himself deep inside me, and we begin to move together. Reaching behind my back, he pulls us onto our sides, and I wrap my leg around his waist pulling him closer to me. We lie face-to-face, flushed and panting, as he grips tightly onto my thigh.

We don't speak, and with our foreheads connected, we keep our eyes locked while he takes his time with me. Never rushing. Never in a hurry.

I'm alone for the day while Ryan is at work. Tonight, Blur is hosting a concert for one of Gavin's bands and they are expecting a huge turnout. I agreed to go since Mark and Jase will also be there. My car is still over at Ryan's house from last night. When we left for our run this morning and found ourselves here, I told him I didn't need to go back for my car. I would just stay here for the day.

It's nearing the end of April, and I decide I should start sorting through my belongings and slowly start packing. I still don't know where I'm going, but with graduation a little over a month away, I need to start getting organized. New York has always been my dream, but I know I'll never be able to leave Ryan behind—I'll never want to leave him. Plus, Seattle has produced many world-renowned dancers and choreographers. Pacific Northwest Ballet is here in Seattle and is internationally recognized as one of the elite. Even if they're not interested in me, I know if I stay here, I can still have a successful career.

After I pack up a box of books, I start thinking more and more about Ryan and how I never thought I would have what I found with him. Jack destroyed everything in me, and to be able to trust someone again is something I didn't think would ever be possible. Is it selfish of me to not want to save someone else from that theft? I know that it has probably been too long, but maybe I should just call and get some information on what could be done. Hell, for all I know, I could even remain anonymous. But, I will never know if I don't call.

Opening the top drawer of my dresser, I fish out the card that I was given now eight months ago. I keep telling myself that it's just a phone call; I just want to ask some questions.

Picking up my cell, I swipe the screen and with nervous fingers dial the number while my heart beats at an insanely rapid rate. After several rings, I am half relieved when I get the detective's voicemail. I leave him a quick message with my name and number and set the phone back down. All of a sudden I consider the possibility of Jack finding out. If I did do anything, would he come after me? Would he try and hurt me? I resolve that it's probably best if I don't say anything. I shouldn't be calling and talking to Detective Patterson. I really do need to move on and just let it be.

"Babe, you ready?"

"Yeah, I just need to grab my jacket," I say as I walk back into my closet.

"So, it's going to be busy. A lot busier than the past few times you've been. You sure you're okay with that?"

"I mean, if it's too much then I can always go upstairs until you're ready to leave."

He takes my hand and laces his fingers through mine, pulling me to him, and suggests, "Or we could just stay here and break in your bed a bit more," as he nuzzles my neck.

I smile at the memory of being with him this morning and give him a kiss. "I think we should go now and break in the bed later."

Nipping my lip, he walks us out to his jeep.

When we pull up in front of the bar, there is a line wrapped around the building. Max spots us from the door and is standing next to me when we walk in. The music blasts through the bar as Ryan and Max lead me to the side of the bar that curves around to the back wall. We told Mark and Jase to meet us here and see them waiting for us. When we approach them, Gavin and several of Ryan's friends are there as well. Jase orders me two shots, and I feel relaxed over in the corner with our group of friends. We all drink and laugh and eventually Mel comes by to chat with me a bit while the guys are busy talking about things I couldn't care less about.

Mel has always been really sweet to me. She's a little older than I am and reminds me a lot of Roxy. Her husband is a drummer for a band that just got signed to a label in L.A. I've only met him once when he was in town during a break in recording his album. She decided to stay here in Seattle so that she could have the support of her family instead of being alone in L.A. where she doesn't know anyone. Personally, I think she isn't too happy in her marriage and that's why she stayed.

A few hours later, the band returns to the stage after taking a short break and begin to play a cover of the Imagine Dragons' 'Radioactive.' Ryan tells me he needs to run upstairs to grab some inventory sheets to give Mel before we leave. Holding my hand tightly, he tries to lead us across the bar. The door has been busy, so Max is back at his post outside.

Bumping shoulders through the crowd, Ryan wraps his arm around me and we slowly walk through the swarm of people. I stumble a little when I suddenly spot Kimber out of the corner of my eye. I had no idea she was even here. My body jerks and freezes when I think I'm seeing things. Running his nose along some girl's neck, when he turns his head back to the stage, I know I'm not losing it. I see Jack's face. My vision begins to tunnel as panic shrieks through me, and I start tugging in the opposite direction that Ryan is going, pulling back against his arm that is around me. My eyes are locked on Jack, who doesn't see me from across the room.

"What are you doing?" Ryan hollers over the crowd as I keep stumbling back. When he shifts his body, I fall out of his hold and tumble onto the floor.

In shock and terror, I keep trying to shuffle back when Ryan picks me up. He turns to see what I'm staring at and looks back at me as I attempt to turn my back and run. He grabs me around the waist, not letting me escape and leans over my shoulder, yelling over the music, "Babe, what's wrong?"

Trying to peel his grip from me, all I can do is shout, "It's Jack!"

"Who?"

"Get me out of here!" I scream in a panic, jerking to get out of his grip. "I can't breathe! Get me out of here!"

Tucking me tightly against him, he moves us quickly to the door, yelling at Jase to follow, but Jase is too far away.

When we finally make it outside, my breathing is labored and my whole body is shaking. I run to Ryan's car, wanting to get as far away as I can from Jack. Aside from my dreams, I haven't seen him since that night.

"Babe, what the fuck happened in there? Who the fuck did you see?"

Leaning my back against his jeep, I grip onto Ryan's shirt as I start to cry and gasp for breath.

"Jack is in there. We have to leave."

"Who's Jack?"

"Him! Jack is..." I'm cut off when I hear Jase holler my name as he runs toward me, and I'm sobbing hysterically.

"Candace, what happened?"

All I can say between my panting breaths and tears is, "Jack's inside."

"Oh, shit!"

"Who the fuck is Jack?!" Ryan yells and Jase tells him, "The guy that attacked her."

Ryan snaps his head to me, grabs my shoulders, and says in a low stern voice, "Get in the car. Now." He reaches in his pocket and hands his keys to Jase and yells, "Get her in the fucking car!" And then he takes off back to the bar while I sob uncontrollably.

"What's going on?" I hear Mark ask Ryan as they pass each other. Ryan says nothing as he goes through the door.

Jase turns around and yells at Mark to go in after him.

"What the hell is going on?" he asks.

"Jase, he'll kill him," I cry out and he turns back to Mark. "Jack is in there! Ryan's gonna fuckin' kill him!"

"Shit!" Mark yells as he starts to run back in, and I see Max following right behind.

"Jase, you have to go get him!"

"Sweetie, get in the car," he says softly.

"What?! No!" I thrash in his arms and wail, when he wraps his arms over mine, locking them down and lifts me up into the jeep. He stands outside the car with the door open, and I lower my head to my knees and cry. Rubbing my back, he assures me that Mark's going to get him.

My mind is racing, and I can't seem to focus on anything in particular aside from what Ryan is doing inside. I cry as Jase keeps reassuring me and trying to calm me down. When I hear Ryan's voice, I sit up and watch him as he walks over. His hands are covered in blood, and blood is splattered across his face. When he walks past Jase, he quietly demands, "Keys."

Jase hands them over and quickly leans in to kiss me and says, "Call me."

I nod as he closes my door, and I turn to look at Ryan as he gets in the car. He doesn't say anything and neither do I. He starts the car and begins to drive. His jaw is clenched hard, and his breaths are slow and heavy. Ryan's grip is tight on the steering wheel, and his knuckles are cut open and covered in blood.

Neither one of us speaks the whole drive to his loft. His breathing has slowed and softened by the time he shuts off the car. My tears haven't stopped flowing. Getting out, he walks in front of the jeep to my side, opening my door. When I shift myself to face him, he drops his head to my lap and grabs onto my hips. Weaving my hands through his hair, I fist them closed and lean my body over his. I know he's crying when I feel his back begin to heave.

I let go of his hair when he pulls back. The pain in his eyes is almost unbearable. Wiping my thumbs across his cheeks, I brush the tears away from his bloody face. I look over him, and I know it has to be Jack's blood because Ryan doesn't have a scratch on him. I don't ask what happened because I don't think it really matters.

He takes my hand and walks me inside and up to his room. While he's in the shower, I grab my purse and take my sleeping pill. I can't stop crying as I change into a pair of his boxers and a t-shirt and wait for him in bed. He walks out with a towel slung around his waist and goes to throw on his boxers. Getting into bed, he scoops me in his arms as I continue to cry.

All I can see is Jack. He's there when I close my eyes; he's there when they're open, staring into the darkness of the room. I cry because I don't know how to get him out of my mind. I just need to be close to Ryan, to feel safe and to know everything will be fine.

I lay my hand on his cheek and turn him to me. Pressing my lips against his, I pull back for a moment and whisper, "Make love to me," before kissing him again.

"Baby, you're crying."

"I don't care." I bring him to me and begin running my kisses down his neck. Ryan doesn't move, so I pull away and look at him. "Kiss me."

"Candace, you're upset."

"I need to be close to you right now. I want to get him out of my head, and you're the only one who can do that for me."

He rolls on top of me and lets out a sigh, resting his head against mine. "Are you sure, babe?"

"Yes," I say through the tears that won't stop.

I cling tightly to him as he slips his hand under my shirt and squeezes my breast while kissing my neck. I reach down and tug on his boxers, just wanting them off.

"Candace."

"Please, Ryan."

He pulls down his boxers, and I lift my hips so that he can remove mine. I quickly pull off my top, and when he slides into me, I close my eyes, letting the tears seep out. Ryan has a thing about watching me when we make love, but tonight, he never asks me to open my eyes. I cling to his body as he pushes into me unlike any time before. Without words, he continues to thrust inside of me until we both find our release.

When he rolls off of me, he pulls me snug against him, and he reaches down to grab my hand, holding it tightly. He never lets go of it, and I suddenly feel bad for using him like I just did when he's also so upset.

"I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

"Don't be. You take whatever you need from me."

The ringing of my phone wakes me up, and I climb out of bed to dig it out of my purse. Not wanting to wake Ryan, I step out into the hall, closing the door softly behind me. I don't recognize the number, so I answer with a hesitant, "Hello?"

"Is this Candace Parker?" a man's voice asks.

"Yes. Who is this?"

"Detective Patterson, ma'am. I got your message and was returning your call. How can I help you?"

The anxiety slowly builds in my stomach as I'm caught off guard by the phone call, especially since last night's events. A flash of the girl's face that Jack was with crosses my mind, and I decide that maybe this is what I need to do.

"Oh, yeah. I...umm, I'm not quite sure where to begin."

"It's okay. Did you have a specific question you wanted to ask me?"

I walk further down the hall and sit down at the top of the stairs. "I guess I was just curious about what would happen if I wanted to press charges; if it was too late...or..."

"Well, I have your file here. It seems the hospital went ahead and had your rape kit sent over to the criminal lab where it is being stored. That, along with the eye-witness report, well, you have a solid case."

"Umm, so there was someone there? I don't remember..."

"Yes, ma'am. Let me pull up his statement." It takes a few seconds before he continues, "Okay, according to his statement, he heard screaming in the alley. When he came into view, you were knocked unconscious. He was the one who called 911 and waited with you until the ambulance arrived."

My hands begin to tremble as I think about someone being there with me. It makes me almost feel embarrassed just thinking about someone seeing me like that—beaten and naked. That night begins to replay in my head: the screaming, the weight of him on top of me, his grunting, watching his fist before he slammed it into my face.

"Umm..." I mumble out in a shaky voice and wipe away a few tears that are now rolling down my cheeks. "Do you know who? I mean..."

"Give me one second." I hear him tapping the computer keys when he continues, "Last name is Campbell. Ryan Campbell. Seems he owns the building where this happened."

Suddenly the air is sucked out of me, and the sensation of pinpricks overtakes my body as I turn cold.

"Ma'am?"

The phone slides out of my trembling hand and tumbles down the wooden stairs. I'm frozen and I'm shocked. Ryan? I begin to wonder who the man is in the other room; the man I trust. Why didn't he ever tell me? Was this all a game to him? My stomach churns, and I feel like I'm going to be sick. How could he lie to me, deceive me?

I start taking deep breaths as I reach my hand up, grab onto the banister, and pull myself onto my wobbly legs. I need to get out of here.

Gently easing the door open, I quietly pad across the room and pick up my purse. I look down at Ryan, who is still sleeping, and I feel pieces of my heart crumbling and falling hard into the pit of my stomach. I'm so embarrassed. No wonder he was so patient with me; he knew all along. How could I be so stupid? How could I have let my walls down like this?

I fumble with the necklace around my neck, and suddenly, everything feels like a lie. If he truly ever thought I was fierce, it was just a product of his deceit. I clench the bar of the necklace and yank on it, breaking the delicate chain. I look down at the engraving, and I feel like an idiot for allowing another man to strip me bare.

When the tears begin to fall, I set the necklace on the nightstand, and I turn my back and leave. Quickly running down the stairs and out the door, I run to my car as fast as I can and throw it into reverse. All the wounds I've tried so desperately to mend are slowly starting to rip open as I start putting together all the pieces. The way he looked at me the first time he walked into the coffee shop. He knew me. He never pushed me because he knew exactly who I was. It was all a lie. It was all a sick game, and I was the fool who fell in love. What the fuck is wrong with me?

As soon as I get home, I run into my room and shut the door behind me. Still trying to make sense of everything, I fall onto the bed and cry. I cry for a long time. I've never felt so hollow, so completely hopeless. When I can move, I roll over and grab my pillow to bury my head in it while I sob. Gasping for breath, I smell the remnants of his scent that linger on my pillow. I jump out of the bed and frantically start ripping the covers and sheets off, slinging them across the room.

"Candace?"

Startled, I turn to see Ryan walking into my room and closing the door behind him.

"Get out," I seethe.

"Babe, what's going on?"

Holding my arms out in front of me, I tell him, "Stay away from me."

His brows are knitted together as he looks at me in confusion. "Baby, what happened?"

I begin to cry harder and back myself against the wall. "You know exactly what happened. You know exactly who I am!"

Standing in the middle of my room, he doesn't say a word as his face slowly turns to shock, and I know he knows exactly what I mean.

"How could you?!" I scream.

Shaking his head, he says, "Babe, let me explain."

"Explain what?! That you've been lying to me this whole time? That you've just been using me? Why?!"

"No! It's not like that. I didn't know."

"How could you not know? God, I'm so fucking stupid."

"I didn't know when I first met you. I didn't know until I saw your tattoo."

"What?!"

"Babe, please let me explain."

"Get out!"

When he doesn't move, I scream, "Get the fuck out! I don't ever want to see you again." My legs can no longer support me, and I fall to my knees, sobbing—breaking.

"Just leave me alone."

"I'm not leaving," he says as he moves and kneels down in front of me.

"I fuckin' hate you. You made me fall in love with you, and it was all a goddamn lie."

"God, Candace. Please let me explain."

When he reaches out to touch me, I snap. "Get out! Get the fuck out!"

He jerks around when Kimber bursts through the door. Our eyes meet, and she turns to Ryan and demands, "Get the fuck out and away from her before I call the cops."

He turns back to me and pleads, "Babe, please. I love you so fuckin' much. Let me explain. Don't do this."

"I didn't do shit, Ryan!" Covering my face with my hands, I wail and scream, "Just go. It's over!"

"I'm serious. After the shit from last night, you better get the fuck away from her and leave. Now!"

All I hear through my cries is Ryan's voice echoing when he screams, "Fuuuck!" from across the house and then the slamming of the door as he leaves.

I fall into Kimber's arms when she rushes down to her knees in front of me. She holds me in her arms as I cry harder and harder. It's been so long since Kimber has hugged me, and her touch is almost too much for me. Ryan just took everything, and I feel like dust, like at any second I could be blown away into nothing. I grasp tightly to Kimber, desperate for her. I can't lie to her; I need her too much.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I've been lying to you."

"Candace—"

I cut her off and let everything out. Everything I've been hiding.

"I didn't want to lie to you. I love you, but I was scared. I was scared you would tell someone, and I was afraid to trust you."

"Sweetie—"

"Jack raped me. That night of the party, he raped me. And I stayed with Jase because I didn't want you to know. I didn't want anyone to know, and I was scared you would go to Jack and do something stupid. So I hid from you. I lied, and I hurt you. I lost my best friend and I'm so sorry."

"Candace, you didn't lose me," she says as she begins to cry. "I've always been here."

"I'm so sorry."

Kimber doesn't say anything as we both cry. I don't know how long we are on the floor, but when exhaustion hits, I lean my head back against the wall and release a hard sigh. When I look back at Kimber, I apologize again.

"Let's get off the floor, okay?" she says and then stands and helps pull me up. We walk out to the living room, and I sit on the couch as Kimber gets us some water. Sitting down next to me she asks, "Candace, what happened?"

"With Jack or Ryan?"

"Jack."

"He got pissed at me that I led him on and when I ran from him, he..." I don't finish my thought, because I can't, and I know I don't need to. "I was taken to the hospital, and I went home with Jase. I couldn't come back here because Jack had banged up my face pretty bad."

"Fucker," she hisses.

"Kimber, you can't say anything."

"Ryan beat the shit out of him last night."

"I know, I was there. That's Ryan's bar, he owns it."

"Is that why you were fighting? I don't understand."

Shaking my head, I start to cry again. "God, it's so messed up."

"Candace, I know you didn't think you could, but you can trust me. I love you."

"The thing with Jack happened in the back lot of Ryan's bar. I didn't know it, and I didn't know him when we met. But I spoke with the detective this morning, and he told me that Ryan had witnessed it." Hanging my head down, I struggle to get my words out. "I don't know what to think. He knew me all along and never said anything. God, I broke down like an idiot and told him what had happened to me and he already knew."

"That's fucked up," she says as she hugs me.

"I fell in love with him. How could he make me fall in love with him? I feel so stupid."

"You're not stupid. He lied to you. He's a dick face."

I can't help but chuckle through my tears at her words. I've missed her words so much.

"I wish I would have known," she tells me. "I wish I could have been there for you. I had no idea. I thought you were mad at me, and I couldn't figure it out. I couldn't figure any of it out, so I just gave up trying. Then I just got mad at you."

"I'm sorry."

"I don't know what to do. I mean, last night was the first time I've hung out with Jack, but he's one of Seth's friends. They're frat brothers and all."

"You can't say anything. Please, Kimber."

"I won't. I promise. I just don't know what to do."

"I don't know."

"Are you pressing charges?"

"No."

"Why were you talking to a detective?"

"He was at the hospital. He gave me his card. Jase had tried a couple times to get me to call him, but I didn't. I came across it the other day when I was starting to pack my room and I...I don't know, I guess I wanted to see what my options were. I don't know."

"You can't let him get away with this, Candace. He has a girlfriend, you know?"

"Kimber, I just can't. This year has been a nightmare, a never-ending nightmare, for me. I thought I was stronger. I thought Ryan was real. I don't know, Kimber. I feel so lost. More lost than before."

There's a knock on the door and Kimber gets up to answer it.

"Hey, Jase," she says as he walks into the house and straight towards me.

"I've been trying to call you, sweetie. What happened?"

I must have forgotten my phone when I rushed out of Ryan's place.

"He lied to me."

Sitting down next to me, he asks, "What do you mean 'he lied?'"

I start to cry and he takes my hand. "Remember when the detective told us there was a witness to what happened?"

"Yeah."

"It was Ryan. Jase, he saw it and never told me."

Kimber sits down on the other side of me as I lean into Jase's arms, and I hear Kimber tell Jase that I told her everything. And for the first time in a long time, the three of us hold each other. I'm so hurt and so lost, but at the same time, I feel like I'm finally back with the people who I have always considered my family.

When Jase pulls back, he wants to know how I found out, so I tell him about calling Detective Patterson and everything that he said.

"What did you say to Ryan?"

With a new slew of tears breaking free, I say, "I ended it. Jase, I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. How could he do this to me?"

"I don't know, sweetie."

"You're gonna have to go over to his place. All my things are there and my phone. I left it all there."

"Don't worry about any of that. Jase will take care of it," Kimber assures me.

"I'll go over there when I leave here. But I don't want to leave you like this."

I lie down, rest my head in Jase's lap, and let him console me. I listen to him and Kimber talk about everything while Jase answers all of her questions. I don't say anything. I just lie there until the tears dry up and I have nothing left in me. I never thought I could feel as low as I do right now. I didn't think it was possible, but I feel like the depths of my despair can't sink any lower. If ever I wanted to lose myself and disappear, it's right now. I'm so empty and nothing Jase or Kimber can do or say could take away the stabbing pain inside me.

When Jase leaves, Kimber takes me into her room, and I crawl into her bed. I tell her I can smell Ryan on my sheets, and she goes into my room, grabs all of my bedding, and tosses a load into the washer. When she comes back, she lies down with me like we used to do and pulls the sheets over us, hugging me from behind. I've missed this, having her, my best friend, my sister.