Текст книги "Before We Fall"

Автор книги: Courtney Cole

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Текущая страница: 18 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

Chapter Thirty

Dominic

I sit for quite some time, but eventually the room closes in on me, dark and silent. The walls cave in and I swing at them, punching a hole into the drywall. But it’s not enough. I glance into the mirror and hate how destroyed I look, so I pick up a heavy stone vase and throw it into the mirror. It all shatters onto the floor.

Within a minute, Jacey appears in the door, hesitant and beautiful. “Are you OK?” she asks as she stares at the broken glass.

I stare at her, hard.

“No.”

She takes a step toward me, but I stop her.

“No,” I tell her. “Don’t come in. It’s ugly in here, Jacey.”

“I want to help,” she says softly. “Tell me how to help, Dom.”

I shake my head, staring at her. All of the feelings that I’ve suppressed so long—combined with the new ones that I have over Sin’s betrayal—come bubbling to the surface, and I feel consumed by them. Consumed by the ugliness.

“You want to help?” I ask between my teeth, taking a step toward her. “Fine. Come help, Jacey.”

I don’t see her. Not really. I see her blond hair, her goodness, her innocence, and my pain. I see a lot of my pain. And my pain fuels my anger.

Jacey willingly steps into the room, right up to me.

“Go ahead,” she says quietly, like she knows what I want to do. Like she knows what I need to do to get rid of this godforsaken pain.

I grab her arms, hard, shoving her onto the bed as I hover over her. “I’ve told you not to be with me,” I snarl. “I told you. I warned you. You should’ve listened.”

Jacey stares at me, unafraid, as I wrap my fist in the hair at her neck, pulling her to me to kiss her ferociously. There’s nothing tender in my kiss. There’s ugliness there. Roughness. Hatred and pain.

She kisses me back, angrily, her teeth scraping against mine.

“Fine. You need me to vent? Vent to me, Dom. Go ahead. Do it. Vent in me if you need to. I can take it.”

Her dark eyes hold a challenge, and suddenly she’s angry too.

“You use this darkness, this roughness as a mask, Dom,” she tells me, her brown eyes snapping. “For years, you’ve lingered on the edge of taboo, doing things that most people don’t because that’s what you think you deserve. You confused it for being something you actually like.”

“Oh, I like it,” I tell her firmly, pulling her to me roughly and nipping at her neck. There’s a red mark where my teeth were. “Make no mistake about that. I like being rough. I like the pain, Jacey.”

I pick her up and shove her against the wall, thrusting my hips into hers as I pin here there, staring into her eyes. “Trust me, I do it because I want to. Not because I’m confused.”

I lift her thighs and slam her into the wall again, not too hard, but hard enough to prove my point. My dick is rock hard now, fueled by anger and the feeling of her pussy pressed against it.

“You like the pain because it takes your mind off of what really hurts, Dominic,” Jacey says softly. “That’s what you like.”

But she kisses me, and her mouth is soft and sweet and it tightens my groin, against my better judgment, against any good that’s left in me.

“You don’t want to be with me right now,” I warn her. “Trust me.”

Jacey looks me in the eye.

“Don’t tell me what I want to do,” she commands softly. “If you can dish it, I can take it.”

Fumbling with my jeans, I pull my dick out, shove her skirt up, and thrust into her hard, with no preamble, no foreplay. Her eyes widen, but she takes it without a whimper or a sigh.

Pinning her against the wall, I hold her wrists above her head with one hand, squeezing them hard.

“Still want to take it?” I growl into her mouth.

She nods, her eyes surprisingly glazed over… with lust. “Fuck me,” she says breathlessly as I thrust into her over and over. “I can take it. I want to take it.”

So I do.

I fuck her hard, I fuck her into the wall, grinding her back into it, an outlet for my ugliness. But as I open my eyes finally, hers are staring into mine.

And they’re brown. Not blue.

She’s Jacey, not Emma.

And all the rage that I’m feeling, it’s not directed at her. The pain that I’m feeling… it’s not because of her.

I freeze as the revelation occurs to me. As I realize that she was right. I like pain because it’s an outlet for what I really feel. It’s a vent. And I’m not venting into Jacey.

Sliding Jacey off the wall, I carry her to the bed.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper to her urgently as I use my knee to open her legs. She lets them fall easily open, and I slide into her, gently this time. “I’m sorry, Jacey.”

She closes her eyes and pulls me to her, letting my head rest in the crook of her shoulder. The energy of the room has changed from frenetic to soft, from rough to gentle.

I come softly, silently, straining into her, holding her to me.

I destroy everyone I touch.

I can’t destroy her.

Chapter Thirty-One

Jacey

Dominic might not want to admit it, but I felt his heart break with every movement.

I’m quiet as I lie staring at him, and it’s a long time before he opens his eyes. When he does, there’s guilt in them.

“I’m sorry,” he says simply. “I’m so sorry, Jacey. I was… angry. At the world, at Sin, at Emma, at you for being right. You were right. I get off on watching people have sex because I can do it without getting involved. I like sexual pain because it distracts me from what really causes me pain. And that’s not you. You don’t cause me pain. I have no right to hold you accountable for something you didn’t do. I’m sorry.”

My heart squeezes. “I know,” I tell him softly. “I know.”

And I do. I know what it’s like to be so overwhelmed by emotion that you can’t even think straight. I felt the same way the day Jared turned my world upside down.

I curl into Dominic’s side and he holds me there, clutched to him.

“Where do you think she is?” he muses aloud after a while, staring out the window. “I worry about that sometimes.”

I stroke his arm and I know he’s talking about Emma.

“I don’t know. I’ve wondered that about the people I love. I like to think that they’re in a better place. That they’re somewhere where tears and pain don’t exist anymore.”

“Then they’re in a better place than we are,” Dominic says tiredly.

“We can hope,” I answer. “Death is going to come to us all, Dom. It’s up to us how we handle it. It’s hard, I know.”

He remains silent, and I grab his hand. He lets me, but I can see his heart’s not in it. His fingers are cold, his eyes are blank.

After a few more minutes I turn to him, desperate to make him understand that there’s hope. After having such angry sex, I thought he might feel somewhat better, that it had been an outlet for his rage. And it had been.

But now he only seems hopeless.

“Dominic, I know you’re pissed at the world. But we’ll get past this. You’ll see that you can trust the people you love. Sometimes they make bad decisions, but we all do. It’s human nature. We’ll get past this.”

“Cris knew this the whole fucking time,” Dom answers, staring at me with a black stare. “He could’ve told me years ago. Even though I didn’t want to talk to him, he could’ve figured out a way.”

I nod. “I know. He didn’t handle it well. But he feels terrible too. He didn’t know what to do. And he handled it badly. Just like you did. He loved you and Sin both so much that he sacrificed his relationship with you to save your relationship with Sin. I think that says a lot. And if it makes you feel any better, he and Fiona broke up. She was pissed that he didn’t tell someone.”

Dominic nods, turning to face the window, turning away from me. I have a feeling that the emotions of the day are just too overwhelming for him to take right now.

I understand how that feels. I feel the same way.

I wrap my arms around him and press my face to his back, letting my weary eyes close as the weight of the world seems to rest on my eyelids.

The silence grows and grows, until eventually Dominic falls asleep. I stay with him for the longest time, holding him tightly. If anyone deserves the oblivion that sleeps brings, he does.

He only wakes once, after I have Chinese delivered. He stays awake long enough to eat with me and then he suggests that I sleep in the guest room so that I can get some rest.

“I’ll be tossing and turning,” he says wryly. “You’ve already been patient enough with me today. You deserve a break.”

I don’t want a break, but I don’t argue.

Dominic slips back into the darkened master suite and I close the door to the guest room. If he wants to be alone, I’ll let him be alone.

Whatever it takes for him to process this.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Dominic

I try to sleep alone.

But strangely, after years of seeking out solitude, it’s the last thing I want now.

And I don’t just want anyone… I want Jacey.

I look at the clock. Two seventeen A.M. I squeeze my tired eyes closed, then open them again, throwing the covers back as I get out of bed. I pad down to Jacey’s room.

She’s sleeping peacefully, her hand curled under her chin. Her eyelids flutter when I climb in beside her, and she turns into me when I wrap my arms around her.

Her warmth envelops me, soaking into the cold that has surrounded me for so long.

“Thank you for being so good to me,” I whisper to her. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why she would be. I haven’t done anything to deserve it.

She sighs sleepily, not answering. Her hands flutter across my chest and down to my waist. It’s answer enough, and just like that, because of the brush of her fingertips, I want her.

She lifts her hips and I pull off her underwear. Her mouth meets mine sleepily, hotly. And I slip into her.

Her warmth surrounds me and I groan, throwing my head back and losing myself in the sensations… in her.

I feel her hands on my back, her fingernails. I hear her moans, her breath. I feel the world exploding, then I fall limply onto her, rolling over so I don’t hurt her.

Then we sleep.

When I wake, sunshine is pouring into the bedroom, and I blearily look around, trying to see what woke me. My phone buzzes again.

My phone.

I pick it up and focus on it, finding a text from Sin.

You’re my brother and there’s nothing more important than that. I love you. I’ll love you forever. I’m sorry I fucked up.

I put the phone back down and close my eyes.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Jacey

I get off the phone with Joe, smiling as I think about how badass he always tries to act, but how soft his heart actually is.

I’d explained the situation, in very vague terms, and said that we wouldn’t be back to work until Monday. He was perfectly fine with that. We won’t be in trouble. That’s a relief, because that’s the last thing we need on top of everything else.

I tiptoe back into the bedroom and stare at Dom.

In sleep, he’s peaceful. Nothing can hurt him when he sleeps, and that’s the reason I’ve let him sleep for two straight days. It’s almost as if his body needed it to absorb the emotional shock that it’s undergone the last few days.

At night, I climb into bed and he wraps his arms around me, holding me close. During the day I get up, but I check in on him from time to time. He’s woken up a couple of times for water, but nothing else.

As I stand over him, I feel the intense need to protect him from anything else that might hurt him.

That’s why when Sin shows up on the doorstep a couple hours later, I’m hesitant to let him in.

“I know you’re sorry,” I tell him hesitantly. “I know. But he’s messed up, Sin. He’s been sleeping for two days. I don’t think he’s in a place where he’s ready to talk to you.”

Sin stares at me with his doleful rocker stare. “You know, I was right when I told you that you were good for Dominic. Wasn’t I?”

I swallow. “Yeah. And if it were up to me, I’d invite you in and you could talk to Dom. But…”

“It’s all right.” Dominic’s voice comes from behind me. “Let him in.”

I turn around to find Dom sitting on the bottom step, staring at his brother. His hair is mussed, but other than that, you’d never guess he’d just slept for two days.

“Are you okay?” I ask softly. He glances at me, and there’s something so potent in his eyes… something powerful and shining.

He loves me. He hasn’t said it, but I know it’s true. I swallow as he nods.

“Yeah, I’m fine, babe.” He glances at his brother. “I ignored your texts for a reason, Sin. I didn’t want to talk to you.”

Sin swallows, then nods. “I figured. But I take no for an answer as well as you do. Dom, this shit happened six years ago. Think of everything that happened over the past six years. Now think of who has been with you that whole time. Me. I swear on my life that I will never fuck up like that again.”

Dom sighs, rubbing his face, then looking up at his brother. “I know. I know, Sin.”

I exhale the breath I’d been holding, and Sin stares at him.

“You know?”

Dom nods. “Yeah. I know. I’m still pissed at you, but I know.”

Sin stares at him hesitantly. “When you say you know, what do you mean?”

Dominic sighs. “I know that it was one night. You were both drunk and she wasn’t thinking clearly. You were nineteen and you were thinking with your cock. You didn’t know she got pregnant. You didn’t know that I made her get an abortion. You didn’t know any of it. It was a huge, fucked-up mess, but I can’t dwell on it any longer. I’ll get over it. I’m not over it yet, but I’ll get over it.”

“You will?” Sin sounds hopeful, yet nervous. Dom nods.

“Yeah. Eventually. I can’t believe you fucking did it, but I’ll try to get over it. We’re brothers, and I know you’d never do it now. Right?”

Sin immediately shakes his head. “Fuck no. I’ve grown up, Dom. I would never try to take what’s yours. I didn’t try to take what was yours then, I was just too young and stupid to rein in my hormones. I won’t make that same mistake twice.”

Sin lifts Dom to his feet and pulls him into a hug. He practically clings to Dom as he murmurs into Dom’s hair.

“I didn’t know, dude. I swear to Christ I didn’t know that I was to blame for fucking you up. I swear to Christ. If I knew, I would’ve told you long ago.”

Dom doesn’t respond for a minute, but then wraps his arms around his brother, hugging him back. He’s reluctant, but it’s still a hug. It’s something.

“I’m sorry, man,” Sin tells him again, and I can honestly hear the sadness in his voice. “You know I loved Emma… but not like that. That night was just a mistake. Neither of us meant it.”

“I know,” Dominic nods. “I know.”

I can see from his face that he means it. He does know. And that’s a far cry from the Dominic that I saw two days ago. As we wind our way out to the veranda, I turn to him.

“That must’ve been some sleep you had.”

He smiles ever so slightly. “I don’t think I’ve slept a full night since Emma died. So, yeah. It was pretty good. I’m thinking more clearly now.”

Sin stops and turns to Dom, his dark blue eyes unsure. “Dom. I didn’t come alone. Cris is in the car. He’s in a bad way. Can you talk to him?”

I freeze, watching Dom. He knows that Cris was trying to protect his relationship with Sin, but knowing it and knowing it are two different things, because he also knows that Cris could’ve spoken up years ago.

“Fine,” Dom sighs. “I’m going to have to someday. It might as well be now.”

I breathe a sigh of relief as Sin and I watch him duck around the side of the house and head out to the car. In a minute, we see them through the windows of the house, sitting at the kitchen table and talking earnestly.

“Do you think they’re okay?” I ask Sin nervously. He eyes them, glancing at the way they’re angled toward each other, still talking.

“Well, there’s no blood yet, so that’s a good sign.”

I roll my eyes. “Oh, that’s helpful.”

They’re in there for what seems like forever, and when they come out, they’re both quiet.

“We have to do something,” Dom says to me, his voice serious and dark. “We all have to do something so that we get closure. But to do it, we need to go home.”

We’re on the jet within an hour.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Dominic

The faces staring back at me from around my parents’ dining room table are covered in a myriad of emotions. Sadness, anger, confusion, grief, guilt.

My parents, Fiona, Duncan, Cris, Emma’s parents, and, of course, Sin and Jacey are all here so we can discuss what happened to Emma. What I did, what Emma did, what Emma and Sin did. It’s not an easy conversation, but it’s one that needs to be had.

What Jacey said once about Emma’s parents’ needing closure was true. While they hated to hear what happened with Sin, with me, with their daughter getting an abortion, they at least know now.

They have a reason for the suicide, something that makes sense.

“So you can blame me,” I finally tell them quietly. “Emma and Sin slipped up, but they were kids. I’m the one who pushed her to get an abortion. The blame rests on my shoulders.”

Mr. Brandt grips his own hands tightly, so tight that his fingers turn white. But he doesn’t say anything. He just stares at the table.

Mrs. Brandt looks at me with Emma’s bright blue eyes, and they’re filled with tears. I fight the urge to look away, but I don’t. I expect to see hate in them, but I don’t.

“Dominic, it’s not your fault. It’s a tragedy and you just have to let it go. You do.”

A lump forms in my throat for the millionth time this month, and I swallow hard against it. “We just thought you should know,” I tell her quietly. “The truth is always necessary for real closure. A smart person told me that once.”

I squeeze Jacey’s hand under the table.

Everyone talks to each other quietly, and while it’s uncomfortable, a part of me is relieved. Jacey was right. Getting things into the light makes it easier to deal with them. I tune out everyone’s low voices and stare out the window.

Down by the pond the tree house hangs, faded and old. My heart constricts just looking at it, thinking of all the time Emma and I spent in it. And of what she and Sin had done in it. I swallow hard and glance up to find my father looking at me.

“Dom, come with me for a minute. I want to show you something.”

I follow him out of the house, out to the barn, and stare at him in confusion as he hands me a large mallet.

“You want to show me a mallet?” I raise an eyebrow.

“Did you say that Sin and Emma… that they were together in the old tree house?” my dad asks quietly. I nod.

“It’s all well and good that Sin apologized. And you and I both know that he never meant to hurt you like he did. That’s well and good too. But as long as it’s standing, it’s gonna remind you of what happened. It’s gonna remind you of all kinds of ugliness. Go tear it down, son. Tear it all down and you’ll never have to look at it again.”

He hands me the mallet. I stare at him, the heavy mallet in my hands, and I know he’s right. Tearing that old thing down is going to feel good.

I head down to the pond and climb the old rickety ladder on the side of the tree. With my first swing, I smash a hole in the roof. After three more swings, the roof caves completely in. The walls follow. Then the floor.

By this time, my shoulders are on fire, my biceps ache. But I don’t stop swinging. Because my dad was right. I’m not just tearing down a tree house. I’m tearing a memory down. I don’t stop until it’s splintered into a million pieces and I’ve even torn the ladder off the tree trunk.

When I’m done, it’s all gone.

Every board, every bad memory is lying in a splintered pile in front of me. I’ll never have to look at it again.

I don’t know how it makes me feel better, but it does. With the tree house gone, the memory can start to fade too. I won’t pretend that it didn’t happen, but at least it won’t be so potent, so vivid. It won’t have the same power over me.

I turn to head back to the house and find Jacey sitting on the edge of the pond, her legs tucked under her. She’s watching me, concerned.

“Are you okay?” she asks when I draw nearer. I nod.

“Yeah. For the first time in a long time, I can say that I am… after I do one more thing.” I pull her up and drag her with me to the barn.

The old Nova is in the back corner, covered with a tarp. I pull off the tarp and stare at it. It’s got a few more scratches now than it used to, and there’s a crack in the windshield, but just looking at it brings back a thousand memories.

“I lost my virginity in this car,” I tell Jacey. “And Emma and I had our first kiss in it. Is that too much information?”

Jacey looks slightly pained, but shakes her head.

“She and I went on a million dates in this thing. It’s what I rode to her house in that night… that last night. My dad had to replace the floor mats because my shoes tracked so much blood into it. To be honest, I can’t look at it anymore. Come with me?”

Jacey doesn’t even ask where, she just nods and climbs into the dusty passenger seat.

I turn the key, and miraculously the battery is charged enough to start. “Brown Eyed Girl” floats from the radio, the familiar words filling my ears.

“I must’ve heard this song a million times,” I tell Jacey as I steer the old car down to the pond. “To tell you the truth, I’m sick of it.”

When we reach the edge of the water, I pull Emma’s pendant from my pocket, the stone cool between my fingers.

Closing my eyes, I picture her wearing it, how it used to lay just right on her chest. How it was the exact shade of her eyes.

I open my eyes and hang it on the rearview mirror.

And then I shift the car into neutral.

“Can you help me push?” I look at Jacey and her eyes widen in surprise, but she nods.

Together we push the old car filled with my memories into the lake.

It seems fitting. We stand and watch as the car sinks, bubbles erupting around it until it’s no longer visible. In my head, I imagine it sinking to the very bottom, where it will stay forever.

Jacey looks at me. “Will your dad be mad? That was a classic.”

I smile, just a little. “Nah. I’ll buy him another one. One that has a working tape deck.”

Even though the old car is gone, sunken in the water, I swear I can still hear that song. Do you remember when, we used to sing… sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-te-da…

Glancing over my shoulder, the pond seems quietly eerie, the last of the bubbles forming in the middle, the only evidence that it is the watery grave for my memories.

“Good-bye, Emma,” I murmur.

Jacey squeezes my hand and we walk for the house. As we wind along the old path, I pause, staring into Jacey’s brown eyes, eyes that contain such warmth and goodness.

“I love you,” I murmur to her, finally able to say the words. “I think I’ve known that for a while. I’m sorry that it’s taken so long for me to say it. I love you so fucking much.”

She smiles, a radiant white smile.

“All that matters is that you’re saying it now,” she says gently. “I love you too. I love you to the moon and back. You know that, right?”

I do.

“I want you to know that even though Emma was such a big part of my past, you are my future. You are my present. You’re everything, Jacey. I need you to know that. I love you more than anything, more than life itself.”

“I know,” she whispers softly, and I can see from her gentle expression that she does.

I pull her to me and kiss her, thorough and sweet and with just a hint of wild. It’s the way she deserves to be kissed… it’s everything she is. Sweet, with just a hint of wild.

There’s no ugliness here.