Текст книги "Before We Fall"

Автор книги: Courtney Cole

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

“I’m sorry,” I tell her tersely. “I can’t do this right now. I’m tired. Good night, Jacey.”

I’m once again trying to delay the inevitable.

She starts to get out, but pauses, looking into my face. With a cool hand, she traces my cheekbone, and I fight the urge to close my eyes and lean into her hand. But I don’t. I remain rigidly in my own seat.

“Dom, if you ever want to talk about it, I’m here,” she says quietly. “I’ll never breathe a word to anyone, I’ll just listen.”

Her face is so sincere, so genuine… it’s all I can do to remember to breathe. She doesn’t ask for anything, she’s just concerned about me.

“Thanks for the offer,” I tell her. “But…”

“I know,” she interrupts. “But you’ll pass. Why don’t you come in, Dom? We don’t have to talk. We can just watch a movie or something. I don’t want you to be alone.”

I don’t bother telling her that I’m always alone, even when I’m surrounded by people. Instead, I just shake my head.

“Not tonight. I think I’ll just go. Happy birthday, Jacey. I’m glad you got to see your brother.”

Jacey hesitates, then gets out, closing the car door. She stands there, gorgeous and quiet in the night. As I stare at her, I know what I have to do. I swallow hard. If I don’t do it now, it will be too late and I’ll have crushed her.

For once in my fucking life, I’m going to do the right thing.

The decent thing.

“Jacey, I can never give you what you want. You want someone who can open up and discuss feelings, someone who will be an active participant in your life. That’s not me and it never will be. We need to pull the plug on this thing now, because once again, you’re falling for the wrong guy.”

Jacey sucks in her breath and she’s frozen for a second. But then she leans down, staring in at me, and there’s something pained in her eyes.

“What are you afraid of, Dominic? Really? What are you afraid of?”

I stare at her, long and hard, before I answer.

“Everything,” I admit.

And then I drive away.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Jacey

How is it that I’ve fucked up so badly once again?

I’ve opened myself up to someone who is emotionally unavailable and has more baggage than he can even keep track of. He’s detached. Distant. Unable to give me what I need, and, what’s worse, has never tried to hide it. He told me all along.

But still, I fell for him.

Still my heart breaks because he’s gone from me. Because I honestly thought that he was different. That deep down, he was a good guy and I could save him. Once again, I thought I could save someone who is apparently unsaveable.

I’ve done this to myself.

I grab a pair of boxing gloves and start swinging at a bag. I catch the attention of Jake and Tig and they come over to observe. Tig watches while Jake holds the bag.

My foot is still sore, so I can’t kick, but I take can out my aggression in punches—so that’s what I do, until I’m dripping with sweat and I’ve taken all of my frustration out on the bag. When I’m finally spent, Jake stares at me.

“Anything wrong, Jacey?” He’s hesitant, and I have to smile.

“That apparent?”

“Uh, yeah,” he answers. “I thought you were going to punch the bag off its hook. I’m just glad it was the bag and not me this time.”

I chuckle, but I don’t answer as I pull off my gloves. There isn’t a women’s locker room, so I have to wait to shower and change until I get home. After I grab my bag, I pass Dom and Joe in the hall.

“You heading out to California this weekend?” Joe asks Dom. Dom nods, and my heart breaks again because it’s a reminder that we’re truly separate now.

Separate lives. Separate people. We’re nothing to each other.

“Yeah,” Dominic answers. “And I know, don’t be late on Monday or don’t bother coming back.”

Joe chuckles, and part of me is happy that he is finally warming up to Dominic. But the other part of me is crushed because Dom barely looks at me. It’s been two days since my birthday, two days since Dominic broke things off. He’s been virtually silent ever since.

No texts, no calls, and almost no communication at work.

He’s like a wall… vast and silent.

Joe continues into his office, but Dom doesn’t turn around to talk to me.

Again.

Surprising myself, I decide I have to let it go. One thing I’ve definitely learned in life is that you can’t make someone love you. Or like you. Or want to be with you. It’s a lesson I’ve learned hard and well, but it doesn’t take the sting out of the rejection.

When Dominic almost reaches his car, I call out to him.

He turns around. He doesn’t say anything, but he looks directly at me, a question in his famous green eyes.

“Fuck you,” I tell him stoutly. Because even though I know I have to let it go, it still fucking hurts.

The corner of his mouth twitches, but he doesn’t answer. He just drops into his Porsche and drives away, leaving me standing here alone.

It seems fitting. It pisses me off even more that I can’t be mad. Dominic told me from the beginning not to get drawn in, not to get attached.

I’ll crush you without meaning to, he’d said. How he can’t see that Sin wrote that song about him, I’ll never know. He must be fucking clueless.

I sigh and head home to get ready for Saffron.

As I drive past a tiny little bar on the way, I glance at it, briefly tempted to stop. Not to get a drink, but to soak in the attention that I know I would receive there.

Seeing the eyes on me, the guys who would inevitably hit on me… it never fails to bolster my self-confidence and make me feel better.

But not this time. My hands grip the steering wheel and I force myself to drive past.

I’m going to break old patterns. I don’t need another guy to make me forget Dominic.

I don’t.

My heart hurts, but I’ve got to do the only thing I can, the healthy thing. I’ve got to keep going and keep putting one foot in front of the other, instead of dive-bombing into the nearest bed.

I can do this. I can stand alone.

Before I know it, all of this will be a distant memory…

Kaylie touches her lipstick up in my mirror and turns to me with her ass cheeks hanging out of her little Saffron shorts. Part of me dies inside, because I know that Gabe and Brand and even Dominic are right. This is no way to make a living. I have to admit that part of the reason I’ve worked at Saffron is to bolster my confidence.

It’s a façade. These guys lust after me, and it makes me feel like they really want me. They don’t. They want to fuck me, and there’s the difference.

I need to find my self-respect again, which means getting another job ASAP.

Kaylie scrunches up her nose. “So, let me get this straight. You’ve been hanging out with Dominic Kinkaide for weeks now. And you haven’t fucked him—although he took you to his Hollywood Hills house for an entire weekend? And now it’s all over and you aren’t seeing each other?”

I nod silently, wishing I hadn’t chosen to vent to her. I love Kaylie, but she’s got a one-track mind, and unfortunately it’s always on sex.

“You’re insane,” she decides, handing me the red lipstick. “You need a touch-up before we go. And hurry up. We’re going to be late. Again.”

I put the lipstick on as Kaylie stares at me. “If he’s anything like his brother in the sack, then you missed out. Big time,” she adds, for good measure. “Seriously. In fact, I think I’m going to get a tattoo on my ass. I fucked Sin Kinkaide. Ohhh. Or maybe I’ve Sinned.”

“Classy,” I mutter. “I get the point. I’m sorry for bringing it up.”

“What are friends for?” Kaylie turns to me, grinning widely, and all of a sudden I just really miss Maddy. Kaylie’s fine, but she’s a superficial friend, someone to have fun with. Maddy’s levelheaded and smart and she knows me better than anyone. I make a mental note to call her tonight on one of my breaks.

Kaylie and I pile into my new car and we drive to the Saffron office. Our boss, Big Jim, calls to us from behind the counter.

“Hey girls! Your jobs for tonight have changed. Well, not yours, Kaylie. You’re still serving at the Gable bachelor party. But Jacey, your presence has been requested at Sinclair Kinkaide’s house yet again—and he’s paying me twice your normal wage to make sure you’re there. I don’t know what you’re doing, but it better not be anything illegal.”

Big Jim stares at me, but then grins. I shake my head. “I don’t want to. I’m sorry. You’ll have to send someone else. Send Kaylie.”

Big Jim scowls now, his big jowls twisting as he shakes his head. “No. It’s gotta be you. And if you value this job, you need to go. My word is my bond and I already promised that you’d be there.”

“Can’t you call him back and say that I’m sick?” I ask as panicky feelings well up in my lungs. “I can’t go there, Big Jim. I just can’t.”

“You can,” he assures me. “And you have to.”

“What about me?” Kaylie demands. “Did Sin say anything about me?”

Big Jim shakes his head. “Not a thing, darlin’.”

I feel sick to my stomach as I stare at Kaylie. “You might want to hold off on that tattoo.”

She scowls at me, but I sit down in the chair by the cash register. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t want to face Dominic. Not after he dismissed me the way he did. And then I all but told him that I’d fallen for him. Why the fuck did I do that? Don’t I have one little speck of self-respect left? God.

Maybe not, but there’s only one way to fix that: find it. And find it fast.

“Okay,” I say aloud to no one in particular. “I’ll go.”

Big Jim doesn’t even glance at me, because to him it’d already been settled. I slip outside without another word and head my little car in the direction of Sin’s mansion. The closer I get, the heavier my heart feels, but I ignore it.

I can do this. I can walk in there with my head up and be totally unaffected by Dominic.

I can do this.

I’m practically chanting that as I walk around the house and go in through the back door, making my way to the kitchen. I already have this routine down pat; I’ve done it several times already. When I step inside the kitchen though, Henrietta, the shift leader, looks up at me.

“You’re supposed to find Mr. Kinkaide the second you get here,” she says to me curiously. “I don’t know why.”

She’s looking at me as if I can offer her an explanation. I shrug. “I have no idea.”

She doesn’t believe me, but I don’t care. It’s not my problem. I make my way out into the main part of the house, intent on finding Sin but avoiding Dominic.

It proves to be easy. Dominic is nowhere to be seen, and Sin is lounging in his main living room, in jeans and no shirt. For a minute I smile, remembering how Dominic has complained several times about Sin always walking around half-naked, but the smile dies at the thought of Dominic.

“You wanted to see me?” I ask Sin quietly. He’s looking through a pile of papers and seems deep in thought. He looks up.

“Oh, hi. Jacey, right?”

He knows my name. And he knows that’s exactly who I am.

Sin Kinkaide knows who I am. It’s mind-boggling. He grins, and I can see Dominic in that grin. It’s cocky, charming, and sexy all at once. “I requested for you to work my party tonight.”

“I know,” I tell him slowly. “But why?”

“Because my brother’s been happier these last few weeks than he’s been in a very long time,” Sin tells me seriously. He twists a bottle of beer around in his hand as he speaks, and each time he moves, a silver ring with a ram’s head on it clicks against the glass. I must look doubtful because he laughs.

“It’s true,” he assures me. “I know it’s difficult to tell when my brother is happy or when he’s not, but trust me. He’s been happier, which makes my life happier, since he’s been staying here. But he came home in a bitch-ass mood last night, and when I asked why, he almost bit my head off. Logically, I know that can only mean one thing. He fucked things up with you.”

I start to protest, but Sin holds up a hand.

“Did he or did he not?”

I swallow. “You don’t understand. There wasn’t anything to fuck up. We were just hanging out to have fun. We were never going to be anything serious, so there wasn’t any need to bring me here. Trust me, if Dom was in a bad mood, it wasn’t because of me. It was his idea that we stop hanging out.”

“And he told you that yesterday?” Sin raises an eyebrow.

I see where he’s going with this. “Yes, but that was just a coincidence. Trust me.”

Sin shakes his head. “Trust me. I know my brother. But this brings me to my point of having you here. I’d like for you to serve him tonight exclusively. Follow him everywhere. If he goes to his room, you go. Don’t take no for an answer.”

This annoys me, and I glare at Sin. “What the hell do you think I am? I’m not a personal servant or a sex slave.”

Sin stares at me. “I know you’re not. But I think you care about my brother. You must, or you wouldn’t have put up with his shit for this long. Look, my brother has been buried under a rock for way too long. Years. But he came out from under that rock for you. I’d like to see him stay that way. The key to that is you. Trust me.”

“I seem to be doing a lot of ‘trusting you,’ ” I point out. “And I don’t even know you.”

“Of course you do,” Sin pacifies me. “Everyone knows me.”

I have to roll my eyes. I can almost hear Dom in his arrogant tone. “Everyone knows of you. They don’t actually know you,” I remind him. “Including me.”

“Okay, valid point,” he concedes, his face a blank slate but for a smile. “Tell me what I can do so you’ll trust me. Sing you a song?”

I start to laugh, until something occurs to me. “Tell me about Emma. And why Dominic blames Cris.”

Sin sobers up quickly, staring at me. “Hmm. Straight for the jugular. So Dominic won’t tell you?”

I shake my head. “No. All I know is that she was his girlfriend and he blames Cris for something really bad. That’s all I know.”

Sin sighs and takes a swig of his beer as he settles back into his seat.

“I don’t know why he blames Cris,” he admits. “We all have our suspicions, but no one knows for sure. Dom won’t talk about it and Cris won’t say. But I can tell you that it fucked him up. Big time. Whatever else happened, Emma died and Dominic blames himself. But that’s all I can tell you. It’s his story and he should be the one telling it. Maybe he’ll get the chance tonight… because you’re going to be his shadow. I don’t think he’s home yet, but I’m pretty sure he’ll be back soon. He’s going to stay at the party for a while before he flies out to LA.”

“What if I don’t want to be his shadow?” I ask as cold fingers of dread curl around my stomach. Sin smiles.

“You might think you don’t want to, but I think you really do. And from what I’ve seen of you, you don’t do anything that you don’t want to do.”

I stare at him, not wanting to say anything, because deep down I know he’s right… on both counts.

I turn to leave, but hesitate. “Do you really think he’s been happier since he met me?” I ask slowly. Sin nods.

“I know he has.”

I walk out quietly, lost in thought. Dominic blames himself for Emma’s death? That’s quite a bit different than just grieving a dead girlfriend. A million different scenarios run through my mind, but I’ll never know the truth unless he tells me.

I don’t see that happening.

With a sigh, I turn into the main hall and grab a tray of champagne. Until I see Dominic, I might as well hand out drinks.

It doesn’t take too long. Twenty minutes later, I feel him walk into the room. I feel his stare, buried between my shoulder blades. Sure enough, when I turn around, Dom’s green eyes meet mine, and I can see a strange fire in them.

I set my tray down and walk straight to him. He doesn’t move, he just leans against the doorframe and waits.

“Jacey,” he greets me, nodding. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”

So polite, so civil, so distant.

My throat tightens up. Maybe Sin was wrong.

“Sin brought me here,” I explain, fighting the urge to run my fingers through his hair, to push back his rakish bangs. “I’m supposed to exclusively serve you tonight.”

This interests Dominic. I can see that strange light in his eyes glow even more, working into a flame now.

“Really?” he asks, his eyes on my lips. Self-consciously, I lick them, and he grins wolfishly. “So you have to only be with me tonight? Exclusively?” He puts emphasis on that last word, and I swallow.

“Yes. My boss made me come, and I need this job for now. So here I am.”

“So you’re here because your boss made you,” Dom says slowly. “It has nothing to do with wanting to see me?”

“Why does what I want matter?” I demand. “You didn’t seem to care what I wanted the other night when you ended things. But I’m here now… getting paid to personally serve you drinks.”

“And cater to me,” Dominic adds. “That’s what you do with all the other men… you shove your tits in their faces and laugh at their jokes. I’ll want the same treatment. I want to get my money’s worth.”

His face is dark now, stormy. Dangerous. For a minute, I consider walking out and forgetting about all of this. But I can’t. Until I get a new job, I need this one to pay my rent, which happens to be due next week. But silently, I vow to search the classifieds for a new job as soon as I get home tonight.

“Yes,” I answer sharply. “I suppose if you want me to hang on your arm, I can do that. And if you really want my tits in your face, I guess I can do that, too.”

I can’t read Dominic’s face. I can’t decide if he’s disappointed that I gave in so easily, or if he’s looking forward to the night. Either way, I’m prepared. He’s amusing himself. Nothing more, nothing less. I’ll go through the motions tonight and quit this fucking job as soon as I can.

Dominic holds out his arm.

I stare at him hesitantly.

“Come on, Princess,” he urges. “I’m not going to hurt you. You should at least know that by now.”

“Not where anyone can see, anyway,” I mutter as I lightly place my fingers on his arm. Dominic raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t say anything.

He leads me out of the hall, out of the house, and down the stone path to the pool. Once we step out onto the patio, he sits on a bench and motions for me to sit next to him.

“Why did you fall for me?” he asks bluntly, staring at me in the dark.

I feel like he might as well have bitch-slapped me with such a blunt question. I’m not used to it from him. He usually takes the avoidance tactic. I take a second, take a breath, then shake my head. “I didn’t.”

Lie. I fell fucking hard.

Dominic raises an eyebrow. “No? Are you lying, princess?”

I stare at him, my breath caught in my throat, and I decide that I don’t want to lie.

“Yes,” I say simply.

Dominic startles at my honesty, staring at me hard. I’m quick to continue.

“I fell for you because I thought there was more to you. I thought that deep inside, there’s something ugly and broken, but that I could fix it. I thought you felt more for me than you did. But I was wrong. I know what you and I are. We’re nothing. Once again, I’ve proven to myself that I can’t trust my own judgment. Once tonight is over, I would appreciate it if you told Sin not to request my presence here again.”

I don’t know how I managed to say the words, not with the way he’s looking at me. But I do. I say them and they float between us, hard and ugly.

Dominic nods slowly, and once again I can’t read his face.

“Jacey, you try and see the good in everyone. That’s your mistake. You think that if you look hard enough, you’ll find it, that everyone has something in them that deserves you. But that’s so fucking wrong. Very few people deserve you. And that includes me.”

My heart clenches at his words, at the way he’s trying to validate me, to compliment even my very worst trait. My heart breaks, because I know that not only does Dominic not think he deserves me, he also thinks that he doesn’t deserve anyone.

“We’re so fucked up,” I manage to whisper. Dominic nods solemnly.

“Me more than you.”

I don’t say anything.

Dominic stares at me with those fucking dark eyes, and finally he speaks again.

“After tonight, I don’t want you to come around me, Jacey. I don’t want to hurt you any more than I have already. Tonight is all we have left.”

I nod curtly, his meaning stark.

He smiles a glittering, hard smile.

“So we’ll have to make it count. Know this right now. You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to. You know me. If you say no, it’s over. Got it?”

I nod. But Dominic shakes his head.

“You understand. Yes or no?”

“Yes,” I murmur.

“If you say no, you can walk out at any time and I promise you that Sin won’t contact Saffron and you won’t suffer any consequences with your boss. Tonight will be… a good-bye. A good-bye worthy of you and me. Yes or no?”

I’m a fucking masochist, because I see the gleam in Dom’s eyes… the dark, dark gleam that can only mean dark, dark things… and I welcome it. I want it. I want him… even if it’s only for tonight.

I love him. The knowledge is so, so painful.

“Yes,” I whisper.

Dominic smiles. “Good. You wanted to know about me the other night. You wanted me to share with you, to explain why I am the way I am. You wanted to know if Amy Ashby was right, if I’m perverted. I want to answer that for you now. I could tell you in words all day long, but it wouldn’t even make sense to you until you see exactly who I am. Until you see exactly the kind of things I like. So tonight, I want you to see it. Can we do that?”

I stare at him in confusion. “See it?”

“My brother has a wild life,” Dom explains. “You’ve seen it. And I’m sure you’ve noticed that at every party, there is always a private, secret party going on in the basement. A party that most aren’t invited to. I’m inviting you tonight. Do you want to come with me?”

My heart pounds, both in apprehension and in excitement. I have noticed the secret party in the basement. Of course I have. It was always part of the confidentiality agreement that I had to sign in order to work at Sin’s house.

Never go into the basement.

But that changes tonight. And with that, I just might get a glimpse of who Dominic really is.

Answers.

Finally.

“Well?” Dominic prompts, staring at me.

“Okay,” I start to say. But at his look, I amend that. “Yes.”

He smiles.

“Come with me.”

He holds out his arm and I take it. As I touch him, he looks down at me and for a moment, my heart flutters. Everything about him pulls me in. His smell, his touch, his stare. His excruciatingly sexy personality. I must definitely be a masochist, because I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that tonight will annihilate me.

Yet I follow him willingly into the house.

Into hell.

Or Eden.