Текст книги "Before We Fall"
Автор книги: Courtney Cole
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“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I mumble before I start crying again. “I’m a horrible, weak person. I’m sorry if I led you on, Brand. I didn’t mean to. I love you. You’re like my brother, and I can’t stand the thought of being without you.”
Brand pulls me into his arms again, pulling me to his chest where I hide my face. I try to ignore the fact that my chest is pushed against him. I’d never have worried about that before, and I hate it that I think of it now.
“First, you’ll never be without me. Not ever. Got it?” Brand stares down at me, his eyes stern. I nod.
“And second, you’re not horrible. You’re beautiful and strong. And what’s more, you’ve pretty much got this shit figured out. You chose to walk away from Dominic because he can’t be what you need. That’s half the battle, Jacey. Now all you’ve got to do is figure out how to stop running to a new guy to make you feel better. You don’t need their acceptance, Jacey. You’re strong enough to deal with things on your own.”
I snivel into his shirt, breathing in his familiar cologne.
“I don’t think I am.” I sigh. “I don’t feel strong. Ever since Jared… did what he did, I’ve tried not to be weak. I’ve tried to change, but I’m starting to think it’s impossible. At least for me. Because against my better judgment, I fell for Dominic, Brand. I knew better, and I did it anyway. And he was the worst possible person for me to fall for.”
“But you walked away, Jacey. That’s huge.”
“Yeah,” I mumble. “And I came here and tried to force myself on you instead.”
Brand’s chest rumbles as he speaks with a voice that has always had the power to soothe me, even now when he’s in love with me and I’m crying to him about another guy.
“You want to know what your grandma told me once?” he asks, and I raise my head.
“My Gran?”
Brand nods. “Yeah. It was one summer when I was staying at their lake house with you. She and I were down by the lake and I was upset over some girl… she’d broken up with me and I thought that the world was ending. I told her that I was never going to love anyone else again, because falling in love was the dumbest thing in the world because it hurt so much.”
I have to smile, because I can practically see teenage Brand saying that. Brand is and always was a one hundred percent in or out kind of guy. “What did Gran say?”
“Your grandma was the wisest person I ever knew.” He nods. “She looked at me and she said, ‘Branden, the best things in life are worth the greatest risk. Falling in love is one of those things. Can it break our hearts? Yes. Most definitely. But more often than not, before we fall, we fly’.”
“What the heck did that mean?” I ask in confusion. Brand nods again.
“That’s exactly what I asked her. It didn’t make any sense. But then she explained and it was perfect. She said we’re like birds who leap from trees for the first time, terrified that they’re going to crash and die on the ground below. The bird will almost always fly before it falls to its death. So too will we, and so we shouldn’t be afraid to do the things that will bring us the greatest reward… like falling in love.”
“But what if we fall in love with the wrong people?” I stammer. “Because I’ve done that a hundred times, and each time I’ve gotten hurt or hurt someone else. I’m tired of doing that. How many times do we have to fall before we finally fly?”
Brand shakes his head and grins wryly. “I didn’t ask your Gran that.”
I shake my head, but Brand lifts my chin with his finger. “It might take several failures, but eventually it will happen. I don’t know if it will happen with this guy or not, but you’ll learn something from each failed attempt. So at least there’s that.”
I can’t help but stare at him. “I’m not sure that’s comforting.”
Brand chuckles. “I know. And that’s actually what I thought back when your Gran had this discussion with me in the first place. But just think on it, and after you do, you’ll see that what she said is true. Before you fall, you’ll fly, Jacey. Whether it’s now or later, it’ll happen. I promise.”
“I just hope it happens before my wings get broken,” I mutter, curling up on his chest. He chuckles softly and pats my back. I rest that way for a while longer before I sit up and straighten my clothes.
“I’m sorry, Brand,” I tell him, looking him in the eye. “I’m sorry that I always run to you. That you always have to pick me up and put me back together. I’m sorry that it seems like I use you. I don’t mean to. It’s just that… deep down, I always feel like I’m not good enough. And you always make me feel like I am. But I’m going to stop depending on you to remind me of that. I’m going to have to remind myself.”
Brand bends forward and presses his lips to my forehead.
“Just be you, Jacey. You are always good enough and then some. You really have come a long way since everything happened with Jared. Just keep it up. Tonight was just a tiny slipup. You came to me because I’m familiar. That’s all. You’re doing great.”
I can’t help but smile as I get up and walk out. Pausing in the doorway, I look back.
“Thank you. You’ll never know how much I love you.”
Brand smiles, but I can see the sadness in it.
“Don’t worry,” he tells me easily in his Brand-like way. “I know. I love you too, but I’m going to need some space for a while, Jace. I’m going to pull my head together and sort this out so that I love you the way I should… the way you love me. I’m always here for you if you need me, but try not to need me for a while, OK?”
I nod as my heart swells in my throat at the thought of how I have accidentally hurt one of the people I love most in the world.
“OK,” I agree. “I’ll give you space. I’m sorry, Brand.”
I feel utterly sad as I walk out to my car, but I have to admit that I feel stronger. Being with Brand always makes me feel stronger. He knows me. He’s always known me. There’s comfort in familiarity like that. I hate that I can’t give him what he needs, and in a weird way, that only makes me feel closer to Dom.
Because I know how he feels.
He can’t give me what I need, either.
Sighing, I blink my tears away and drive into the night.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Dominic
The world is unraveling.
After I arrive a few hours late and receive a firm chastising from the director, I go through the motions on-set, then fly back to Chicago, then go to work at the gym. The entire time, I can’t feel anything. I’m utterly numb. But when I walk into the gym, my breath catches, because for the first time in days I feel something.
The desire to see Jacey.
And when I do see her, when I bump into her, she turns away like I’m not there, like I don’t even exist, exactly the way I’ve treated her a hundred times in the past. And that moment is when I know why the world is falling to shit.
I need her.
I need her in my life. I knew I wanted her before, but to know that I need her is something entirely different, something terrifying, and the mere thought causes my heart to pound. The problem is, she doesn’t need me. She’s barely acknowledges my presence, barely glances at me.
She’s definitely learned the art of being detached from its best practitioner.
Me.
Being on the receiving end of such iciness is complete shit. For the first time in years, my heart fucking hurts… because I’ve opened it up to that. It’s an aching reminder of why I’ve always shut myself off, away from people.
It isn’t worth the pain.
I look around as I wipe off the counters in the kitchen, musing about how much has changed in a few weeks time. I just finished making twenty peanut butter sandwiches and wrapping them in foil. Why?
Because Joe insists on sending sandwiches home with the boys, because so many of them don’t have enough to eat. Why does this signify change? Because I just found myself making a mental note to buy some pre-charged debit cards to send home with some of them for groceries. They shouldn’t have to worry about eating.
But this isn’t something I would even have thought of a month ago.
Just like how a month ago, my heart wouldn’t be hurting. It would be safe and sound in its cage of ice. I’m not sure what’s better.
Jacey sticks her head into the kitchen, interrupting my thoughts and talking to me for the first time since we arrived this morning.
“Hey, have you seen the ladder?” she asks me quietly, hesitantly. She glances around the kitchen for it at the same time I do.
“No,” I tell her needlessly. “It’s not here.”
She starts to turn away, but I say her name and she looks back at me. She pauses in the doorway hesitatingly, her eyes saying what her lips won’t.
I trusted you. But it was a mistake and I won’t do it again.
It gives me pause and I close my mouth, swallowing all of the words that I’d wanted to say.
I’m conflicted. I might need her, but that doesn’t change the fact that I can’t give her what she needs.
She looks impatient, but all I can do is shake my head. “Never mind.”
She turns and walks away, but not before I see the disappointment flash across her face.
To distract myself from thinking about her, or about the fact that I might’ve let the only good person that I know in the world slip through my fingers, I pile the sandwiches in several neat stacks and fold napkins to go with them.
As I fold the last napkin, I hear a commotion coming from the gym. Curious, I head out to see what’s going on, only to find a crowd of boys congregated around the ladder in the middle of the room. Some are kneeling, some are standing, but they’re all in a circle around something.
My heart starts pounding as I see Jacey’s pink tennis shoe poking through the legs.
Shoving through the crowd, I get there just as Joe does.
Jacey is motionless on the floor, and my heart stops as I stare down at her limp form. She’s crumpled on the floor, utterly still, her face devoid of color, her eyes closed.
Holy fuck. I can’t breathe. Because I can’t lose her. Because she doesn’t deserve this.
Because I can’t do this again.
“What the hell happened?” Joe barks as he kneels down beside her. I’m motionless, frozen, as I stare at her still body.
“She was changing the light bulb like you asked,” Tig explains quickly. “But she tripped coming back down the ladder. I think she hit her head on the cement.”
“Jesus,” Joe mutters as he feels her head. “That’s a big lump. Someone call an ambulance.” No one moves, so he barks, “Now!”
Jake bolts for the office and I’m finally able to move.
I woodenly shove through the boys and drop to my knees beside her. I grab her hand and her fingers are so cold. The coldness sends panic rippling through me, and I shake her shoulder. Hard.
“Jacey, wake up,” I tell her firmly, my heart firmly lodged in my throat. “Wake up.”
She doesn’t even twitch.
This can’t be happening again.
“Jacey,” I shake her. “Jacey.”
I’m panicked now, overwhelmed by emotion and déjà vu, so much so that I can’t think straight. The last time I was in this situation it didn’t end well.
It can’t happen this time.
This time, all I can think is that I need to make Jacey wake up, no matter what it takes. I squeeze her hand and shake her shoulder, chanting her name.
“Be careful, son,” Joe advises. “You shouldn’t move her neck.”
“I’m not your son,” I tell him without even looking up. “She needs to wake up.”
“Yes,” Joe agrees calmly. “She does. But don’t move her.”
I ignore him and shake her lightly one more time, and we’re both surprised when she opens her eyes. A thrill like a jolt of electricity ripples through me.
“Dominic?” she asks groggily, staring at me with blurry eyes, trying to focus. “What happened?”
The relief that floods me is overwhelming. Thank Christ.
“You fell,” I tell her softly. “And you hit your head, but you’re going to be fine. We’re going to take you to the hospital.”
“An ambulance is on the way,” Jake calls out, jogging over from the office. “Did you trip on your bad foot, Jace?” he asks, kneeling next to me and staring down at Jacey.
She shakes her head in confusion. “I don’t know.”
Guilt eats at me because I didn’t even know her foot was still bothering her. What I do know is she hurt her foot in the first place because of me. Protecting me.
I sit with her wordlessly, holding her hand until the paramedics arrive. They load her onto a gurney and roll her into the back of the ambulance, where I insist on riding with her. She’s still disoriented, and I can’t stand the thought of sending her away alone.
“Are you a family member?” one of them asks, staring at me curiously. I see the realization when it dawns. “Aren’t you Dominic Kinkaide?”
“Yeah,” I nod. “I’m her brother.”
Jacey’s eyes are fluttering closed again. At this point and the EMT looks at me, knowing that I’m lying but not questioning my words. “Keep your sister awake,” she instructs. “I’m going to start an IV.”
I squeeze Jacey’s hand.
“Jace, you’ve got to stay awake. Let’s talk about the Ferris wheel at Navy Pier. Or about racing. Do you want to go back out to the track?”
“Not with you,” she tells me groggily, her eyelids fluttering. “I’m not going anywhere with you again, Dom. You’re fucking toxic.”
The EMT glances at me as she pushes a syringe into an IV line. “She’s probably confused. It’s common with head injuries.”
Jacey’s not confused. At all. She’s never made more sense. But her words have never been more painful.
“It’s okay, Jace,” I tell her. “We’ll talk about this when you feel better. For now, you’ve got to stay awake. You hit your head hard. You picked one of the only spots that isn’t covered with a mat to fall on. You probably should’ve planned that a little better.”
She doesn’t crack a smile. Her eyes stay closed, but I know she’s awake because she’s still squeezing my hand from time to time.
I talk with her the entire ride to the hospital, but when we arrive, they wheel her away on the squeaky gurney and make me stay in the waiting room.
The emergency room waiting area seems like a wasteland for lost souls. People are hunched over and tired, people are sick, people are curled up and sad. It sucks the energy out of me, and I hunker down in my seat, hoping no one recognizes me. I’m definitely not in the mood for that.
I keep my nose buried in tattered magazines until I’m called back an hour later.
“You’re her brother?” the doctor asks. I nod. What’s another lie in the scheme of things?
“Your sister has a mild concussion. She’s actually really lucky, because from what I was told, she fell from rather high up. We can keep her overnight, but she’d be more comfortable in her own bed. The thing is, she shouldn’t be alone. Would you or someone else be able to stay with her? Wake her up every couple of hours to make sure that she’s lucid? If she acts out of it, or if you can’t wake her, call an ambulance. Do you feel comfortable with that?”
I nod. “Of course. I’ll stay with her myself.”
The doctor smiles tiredly. “Great. I’ll get her paperwork ready and she’ll be ready to go soon.”
More waiting.
The clock ticks slowly on and I sigh. Apparently, it doesn’t make it go any faster to watch it.
I get a cup of shitty hospital coffee, arrange for Jacey’s bill to be sent to me, and am back in the waiting room by the time a nurse comes wheeling her out. Jacey looks disgruntled and she hasn’t even seen me yet.
“I don’t need anyone to babysit me,” she grumbles to the nurse as I get to my feet. I have to smile at her attitude.
The nurse looks at me in relief, probably anxious to get Jacey off her hands.
“Your brother is here to take you home. He’s going to watch you tonight.”
Jacey’s head snaps up and she looks around.
“Gabe’s here?” she asks, and it pains me to hear the excitement in her voice. I hate to be the one to disappoint her.
“No, it’s just me,” I tell her. “I’m going to sit with you tonight.”
She stares at me, her expression falling like a stone, but she doesn’t reveal my lie to the nurse. She waits until exactly five minutes later when we’re in my car alone to rip into me.
“What the fuck?” she snaps as I drive out of the parking garage and toward her little house. “You think you can take advantage of me when I’m down? Really? That’s how you operate? I don’t want you to stay with me, Dominic.”
“I just want to help,” I assure her, glancing at the way she’s rubbing her head. “I’m sorry you fell, Jacey. I feel responsible because you hurt your foot in the first place because of me. Just let me take care of you tonight, then I’ll leave you alone. I promise.”
“No,” Jacey snaps, staring at me, her brown eyes snapping. “Just… no. Stop the car and I’ll call someone else.”
“Like Brand?” I ask acerbically. “You want him to come riding to your rescue again and you can pretend that you don’t know what he feels for you?”
Jacey stares at me, her gaze falling, and for a minute I feel bad for goading her. But shit. She can’t keep running to him every time she has a problem.
“I’m too tired to argue,” Jacey finally says wearily, leaning her head against the window. “Brand and I had a come-to-Jesus, and you were right, okay? Is that what you want to hear? You were right. Brand’s in love with me. I don’t feel the same way, and it’s driving a wedge in between us, so I can’t call him. I’m on my own. Just… take me home and drop me off, if you want to help. I’m so tired that I can’t stay awake.”
I’m stunned about her and Brand. I’m stunned she would tell me that I was right all along. I’m stunned that she’s not going to call him anyway because she leans on him for everything.
A part of me feels intense satisfaction that she’s not leaning on him tonight.
I’m here instead.
“I’m sorry about Brand,” I tell her. “I know how much you love him.”
“Let’s not talk about him,” she answers firmly. “Let’s just… not.”
“Okay,” I reply, ignoring her icy tone. “Then I’ll just tell you that you’re not on your own. I’m here. And it’s normal to feel sleepy. You can go to sleep when we get to your house, but I have to stay with you and wake you up every two hours. Doctor’s orders.”
“Oh, fucking great,” she mutters, closing her eyes. “I can’t wait.”
When we get to her house, she changes into pajamas and then climbs into bed.
“You can sleep on the sofa,” she tells me firmly as I pull the blankets up to her chin. I nod.
“Whatever makes you comfortable.”
“You leaving would make me comfortable,” she grumbles and rolls onto her side, dismissing me. I settle myself on the sofa.
I don’t sleep. Instead I read a book until it’s time to wake her up the first time.
As I stare down at her, I can’t help but notice how innocent and beautiful she looks while she’s asleep. Completely trusting. I gently shake her shoulder and she opens her eyes.
“Jacey, do you feel all right?”
She nods.
“Yes or no?” I clarify.
“Yes,” she sighs.
“What’s your full name?”
“Jaselyn Elizabeth Vincent.”
“I didn’t know that,” I tell her. “It’s pretty.”
It suits her. But I don’t add that.
“It’s after my grandma.” She yawns. “When I was born, Gabe couldn’t say it very well. He called me Jacey, and eventually everyone else did too. Can I go back to sleep now?”
“I don’t think so,” I tell her uncertainly. “I need to make sure you’re lucid first.”
She stares at me, and I can see when the sleep lifts and clarity sets in. Her expression hardens.
“Why are you here, Dominic?” she asks suddenly. “You could’ve told the hospital the truth—and they would’ve asked me for someone else to call. You didn’t have to stay there and you don’t have to stay here now. What kind of game are you playing?”
A tiny muscle in my jaw ticks. “I don’t know,” I answer her honestly. “But it’s not a game. For once, it’s not a game. I want to be here.”
She sighs, a tiny sound in the night. “But why? You’re only making things worse. You’re dragging things out when we need to just end them. It’s cleaner that way. Less painful. Trust me, I know all about endings.”
“I don’t want to end things,” I tell her raggedly. I know that her response could crush me, but I can’t take it back. “I don’t want to end things,” I repeat.
As I say the words aloud, it validates what I feel even more. I don’t want to end things. I don’t know what I want, but I don’t want that. Somehow, against my best efforts, I’ve let her in. And now that she’s in, I can’t let go of her. I can’t experience that kind of loss again.
She closes her eyes. “You can’t give me what I need, Dominic,” she says plainly. “So what’s the point? I can’t settle for less. Not anymore.”
Panic wells up in me, leaving a bitter taste on my tongue, because she might be right. Not because I don’t want to give her what she needs, but because I might be incapable.
But I can fucking try.
“What do you need?” I ask, and the words scrape my throat painfully.
“You,” she answers simply. “All of you… and you aren’t able to give me that.”
My breath comes quicker now, in rasps and almost pants. I don’t know what a panic attack feels like, but I feel like I might be getting ready to have one. My ribs feel like steel bands that are constricting my lungs in a vise. I suck a harsh breath in, then let it out slowly.
“How do you know?” I ask finally. “I haven’t tried.”
“Because I know you,” she says simply, her eyes closed and her eyelashes dark against her pale cheeks. “I know you.”
“Do you?” I ask, my voice empty. “Do you really?”
Jacey opens her eyes again, and I see a million things there. Painful things, confused things.
Hopeful things.
“Fine. Maybe I don’t, so why don’t you tell me?” she suggests softly. “Tell me who you are. Tell me about Emma. That’s a start.”
Jesus. I can’t breathe.
The vise around my lungs moves to my heart, constricting it, crushing it, grinding it to a pulp while I try to breathe.
I manage to take a breath and stare into the corner of the room, into the dark.
“Why that?” I manage to ask. “Why do I have to talk about Emma? She doesn’t affect you and me.”
Jacey stares at me, her gaze dark. “Doesn’t she?” she asks softly. “You’re in love with her, Dominic. And she’s there… in every little thing you do.”
I squeeze my eyes closed, trying to force out the truth. But I know she’s right. Everything I do, everything that is fucked up about me, is because of Emma. And if I ever want to get past it, if I ever want something that is real and good, I have to confront it. I have to confront her.
“See?” Jacey asks quietly. “I knew you couldn’t do it. Just go, Dom. I’ll call Kaylie to sit with me.”
My eyes fly open.
“No,” I say firmly, fueled by desperation. “Let me try.” Jacey stares at me doubtfully, afraid to hope now.
“I’m not in love with Emma. She’s dead. I know that. But I can’t help but love her. She was my first everything. My first kiss, my first love, my first time. I’ll always love her. Because of everything that happened with her, I’ll never get away from it. From her.”
I pause, letting the words soak in for Jacey.
“Emma’s dead. She died a horrible death and it was the worst thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t think I can describe that night, I can’t even put it into words. I’ve never been able to talk about it with anyone… not even my family. I think about her face and that last night and I freeze up. The words die in my mouth and I can’t say them. But if you need this… if this is what you need… I’ll try.”
The air is charged between us, and it hangs heavily. But it doesn’t matter, because the one thing I need happens… Jacey’s face softens at my words and she nods.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers softly. “I know it’s hard. But I do need this. I need to understand what happened, because I think it will explain everything. I need to know you, Dom.”
I feel weak with relief, but at the same time I’m tense. I know I have one shot to explain, to make her understand, and I have to get it right. Even though there’s no getting anything with Emma’s fucked-up situation right. It was always all wrong. On every level.
I look out the window at the night sky as I speak. I can’t look at Jacey’s face… it might kill me to see her reaction. There’s no way I want to see her face when she hears what I did. Who I was. How I acted.
“Emma and I grew up together,” I begin. “She was always at my house, with Kira, playing with Duncan, Sin, Fiona, and me. We were all like family.”
“Until you started dating,” Jacey interrupts. I smile, just a little, at the memory of my first date with Emma.
“Yeah. Our first date was an accident… when we were sophomores. Her car died on our road. I was on my way out, so I picked her up and took her with me. I was driving my dad’s old classic Nova… and it had a cassette tape stuck in the deck. If we wanted to listen to anything, our only choice was “Brown Eyed Girl.” We probably listened to that song fifty times that night… but it turned out all right because the night ended with a goodnight kiss. All of a sudden, we realized that we didn’t feel like brother and sister anymore.”
Jacey stares at me, a knowing look in her eyes. “That’s how you knew about Brand. You recognized it because that’s what happened with you and Emma.”
I nod.
“We dated all through high school. No one said our names separately… we were like one person, Dom-and-Emma. But then, my senior year…”
My voice trails off as pain rips through me. Memories are so vivid, so fucking vivid, and I close my eyes against them.
The blood, the pain in Emma’s eyes. The guilt, Jesus Christ, the guilt.
My spine feels like it’s being ripped out of my body at the mere memory.
I swallow hard, then swallow again. Jacey waits patiently, but I can feel her watching me, wondering if I’m going to be able to do it.
“Emma killed herself because of me,” I finally manage to say thickly, and my tongue feels like a dead thing in my mouth.
All the blood, her blood, swims in front of my eyes, and for a moment I only see red. I’m starting to wonder if it’s the only color I’m ever going to see.
Jacey gasps a ragged breath and her eyes widen. “Oh my god. Jesus, Dominic.” She takes another breath. “What happened?”
I try to make myself numb, like I always do when I think about this, about Emma.
I reach into my pocket, turning the aquamarine pendant over and over in my fingers. Like always, knowing that she used to wear it around her neck when she was still healthy and alive calms me down enough so I can speak.
“Does it matter?” I finally answer. “The important thing is that she did. And it was my fault.”
Jacey stares at me, her eyes still horror filled, but now there’s something else too. Curiosity. A need to know. A need to understand. And beneath all that, a hope that I’m wrong—that I’m not to blame.
But I am.
“I can’t imagine how it was your fault,” she answers slowly. “Suicide is a personal choice. You couldn’t have made her do such a thing. But if you think that’s true, then we need to talk about it, because it has definitely affected you.”
I squeeze my eyes shut hard, trying to blink away the red, then take another breath.
“Emma cheated on me with Cris. She told me about it and she cried. She was so sorry. Apparently, they got drunk one night when I was out with other friends. One thing led to another, and they had sex. She was sorry and I was devastated.”
Jacey freezes now, her eyes glued to mine. “That’s why you hate Cris now.”
I nod silently.
Jacey stares at me a second, then speaks hesitantly. “Okay. I can see where you would be pissed at him. But to this degree? You were kids, Dom. I mean, you were teenagers. Even adults make that mistake.”
“I know.” I sigh. “But Emma got pregnant, Jacey. And since we always used condoms, we had a pretty good idea that the baby was Cris’s.”
I look away. “I remember standing over a pile of pregnancy tests in Emma’s bathroom, all of them showing a fuzzy pink plus sign. If I could go back in time to any one moment, it would be to that one. I would handle everything differently.”
I wouldn’t have annihilated her.
Jacey sucks in her breath, her hands twisted in her lap. “Jesus. I don’t know what to say, Dom. What happened?”
I failed her.
“I was so pissed at her,” I admit. “I screamed and she cried, but at the end of the day, it boiled down to one thing. I loved her. More than anything. More than a pregnancy, more than her cheating on me.”
“So you stayed with her?” Jacey asks hesitantly. I can see that that notion doesn’t match the idea of me that lives in her head. That’s because that version of me died with Emma.
“She swore to me that it was a one-time thing, an accident. That she’d been lonely because I’d been away so much, visiting colleges. I’d pulled away from her a little and Cris moved in. He took up my slack and hung out with her all the time. I should’ve seen what he was doing, but I didn’t. He was my best friend and I was blind.”
“So you think it was your fault that Emma cheated on you?” Jacey asks doubtfully.
I ignore that and take a gulp of water. “Because I could see that it was true, that Cris had swooped in on her and I’d been neglecting her, I forgave her. He took advantage of her. And they were drunk. But I demanded one thing from her in exchange for my forgiveness.”
I pause, staring out the window again as I remember the way Emma’s head had dropped when I told her. How I’d stood over her and how I didn’t feel sorry about what I was asking. I didn’t care that it devastated her. I didn’t care about anything but myself and my own pain.
I hadn’t even begun to know pain yet. I just didn’t know it at the time.
I don’t want to say the ugly words to Jacey. I don’t want her to know. But she prompts me.
“What did you demand?” she asks quietly, but there’s a certain knowingness to her tone, an aching fragile timbre. She knows.
“An abortion. I demanded that she have an abortion. I wasn’t man enough to raise his baby. I forgave her, but I couldn’t do that.”
Jacey’s quiet now, still. She watches me, waiting for me to continue. I don’t want to, but I know I have to. The bullet is out of the gun now. There’s no putting it back.
“We were just eighteen,” I say quietly, staring at the wall. “We were getting ready to go away to college together. We were going to have a new start, away from Cris. I made my forgiveness contingent on that one thing. She had to get an abortion. If she wouldn’t, then I was done. I made that very clear.”
Emma’s face is in my head, innocent and young, as she pleads with me.
