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Before We Fall
  • Текст добавлен: 30 октября 2016, 23:29

Текст книги "Before We Fall"


Автор книги: Courtney Cole



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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

Chapter Twenty-Four

Jacey

Dominic leads me down a back hallway into the exquisitely lavish basement of the house, then through two more hallways until we stop in front of a set of heavy wooden doors. He turns and looks at me.

“You want to do this. Yes or no?”

I’m not sure. I can hear music thumping on the other side, but I can also hear moaning. Sex sounds. Thumping. Lashing? Moaning. More Moaning. Screaming. Shrieking. Moaning.

I look at Dominic and my heart is in my throat.

“Yes.”

He smiles, then opens the doors.

The room before me is a myriad of panting and fucking bodies.

The first thing I focus on are the women in cages.

On all four corners in a huge dimly light room, there are round cages with bars. There’s a woman in each cage, each wearing a collar. Their collars are attached to the chains in the cages. They’re naked but for strange leather straps that crisscross around their breasts, then crisscross again above and below their hips. I’m confused for a second, until a man opens the cage door of the girl closest to me and steps inside.

It’s only then that I see that the leather straps are attached to the roof of the cage. The girl can suspend herself in the air by pulling on the straps. And when she does, they tighten around her breasts and her crotch, so much so that her flesh turns white.

But she seems to like it. She moans as the man dips his head and sucks on her nipples, suckling at the taut flesh. My gaze flies to Dominic, and he’s staring at me, his expression intense.

“They like it,” he assures me. “Trust me, they’re here on their own free will. They like to be tied up, whipped, sucked. They enjoy the pain and I enjoy watching it.”

My heart pounds and warmth spreads to my crotch, moistening my panties. I can’t believe it, but watching it turns me on. All of it. The smells, the sounds, the idea that all of this shit should be happening in the privacy of bedrooms, but instead it’s out here in the open for other consenting adults to watch. It makes my heart pound.

I stand in the doorway and scan the room.

It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen.

The walls are covered in stone tile and there are round columns here and there, and fountains. It reminds me of ancient Greece. The ceiling is painted like the night sky, with swirling clouds and brilliant stars, and above us, in a circle on a ledge around the ceiling, statues of the Greek gods stare down at us in approval. Of course they approve. They were all fucked-up freaks too.

There are huge round silk ottomans everywhere, big enough for groups of people to sit on. And groups of people do sit on them, all of them involved in orgies.

This is an orgy of epic proportions.

The realization slams into me, and I feel my knees grow weak because I’m even here.

Everywhere around me, people are fucking, sucking, licking, whipping… I can’t wrap my mind around it. I didn’t know that things like this even existed.

“Is this even legal?” I ask Dominic stupidly. He leads me into the room and closes the doors behind us, then shrugs.

“I don’t know. Everyone is here on their own free will. And this is secret. It isn’t spoken of beyond these walls.”

I nod. I definitely won’t be admitting that I was here. Jesus. My brother would fucking kill me.

I take a deep breath, inhaling the sex-laden air, and turn to Dominic. “What are we doing here?”

He smiles, ever so slightly. “We’re watching. It’s what I like to do.”

Pulling me to the side, we sit on a large sofa hidden in the shadows. He pulls me down onto his lap and turns his attention to the room in front of us.

“Do you come here a lot?” I ask him suddenly. For some reason, even though I’m frustrated with him, and pissed at him, it makes me sad to think that he was spending his time in this room when he and I were still together. He shakes his head.

“Only sometimes,” he tells me. “Why? Does that bother you?”

“It’s your life,” I tell him flippantly.

He stares at me dubiously, but I look away, over to a couple that’s fucking against the wall. They’re both completely naked and glistening with sweat. The man has the woman pinned, slowly fucking her with a red and swollen cock as her legs wrap around his waist. His cock is red from her slapping it every time he pulls out. But he loves it. He moans in ecstasy every time she strikes him.

“Why do you like this?” I ask softly, unable to take my eyes away. Dom smiles, a sardonic smile.

“I’m not sure. Probably because I can linger in the shadows. I don’t have to interact with anyone, I can just watch. And if I do interact, it’s not on a deep level. It’s superficial, a mutual pleasuring of two people. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“So it’s empty, then,” I say, lifting my eyes finally and looking at him. He shrugs.

“If you want to see it that way.”

I look at the people around me, at the whipping and the lashing and the red marks.

“Do you like the pain, too?”

He shrugs again. “Perhaps.”

Something twinges inside of me, a realization of sorts.

“Because you feel like you deserve it,” I observe. It’s not a question now. I know it in my heart and he doesn’t deny it.

“Are there famous people here?” I ask quietly, changing the subject. Dom smiles.

“Always. Sin’s parties are famous. People fly in from all over.”

This isn’t a “party.” This is an orgy.

Dom falls silent now, watching a girl in a cage. A second man has joined the first, and while the first man sucks hard on her breasts, the second lashes her with a velvet whip from behind. She moans, “Fuck me, fuck me, please.”

She’s got lash marks on her back from those velvet tassels, and still she moans. Still she enjoys it. Still she arches her back and comes and comes and comes. As she comes, a second woman steps into the cage and sucks on her other breast. The woman screams even more… because she loves it.

I feel wetness gush into my panties and I feel like a freak.

“Why do I like watching this?” I wonder aloud to Dominic. “I’ve never watched anything like this before.”

“That’s probably why you like it,” he whispers to me, his lips close to my ear. “It’s naughty, it’s forbidden. Forbidden things are exciting, no matter who you are.”

He wraps his hand around my thigh, squeezing at the soft flesh there. Kneading, pulling, squeezing… causing just the slightest bit amount of pain. And I want more. All of a sudden, I want more. I want him to make me hurt… in a good way.

He looks at me. “This room turns you on. Yes or no?”

I’m embarrassed to admit that it does.

“Yes,” I admit limply.

“Are you wet?” Dominic asks, his voice husky.

“Yes,” I whisper.

“Can I check?”

I’m surprised he asked. But suddenly, I want nothing more.

“Yes,” I answer.

His fingers find me, cool and slender. And then they’re inside of me, in and out, slow then fast. My breathing catches and I turn into him, my face pressed against his chest as I grasp at him.

“No,” he rasps, turning my shoulders around. “Keep watching.”

So I do.

I watch the couples having sex, the couples whipping each other, the lash marks, the bruises, the scratches. I watch fingers slipping into bodies, glistening skin, thick penises, slick folds. I watch all of it.

And then I watch Kira enter the room. Dressed in a strapless gown, she walks in like she owns the room, looking around, searching every corner. I know who she’s looking for.

Her gaze finds him, and in an instant she starts in Dominic’s direction, but then she sees me on his lap. Her eyes narrow and she freezes in her tracks.

Dominic’s fingers have never stopped moving within me, even with Kira watching.

I am both embarrassed and pleased by that.

Dominic watches Kira retreat to a place by the wall, where she stands alone for a few minutes until Duncan comes in. Dominic’s younger brother assesses the room, assesses the situation, his gaze sweeping over me and Dominic, then Kira. And then he heads toward Kira, pulling her toward a padded ottoman to her left.

At first she shakes her head, but then she follows him, sitting with him on the silk. She watches Dominic for a reaction, and it’s very apparent that she’s waiting for him to protest that she’s with his brother.

But he doesn’t.

Instead, Dominic strokes me, his breath coming harshly. His fingers feel good, incredibly good, but it’s even more amazing because of where I am… surrounded by sex of every nature.

A naked woman with pale skin and red hair that tumbles to her waist stops in front of us, blocking my view of Kira.

“Do you want me to suck you?” she asks Dominic. He looks down at me.

“Do you want her to?”

For a minute, I consider it. And then I’m amazed that I consider it at all. The idea of anyone touching Dominic in that way, anyone other than me, shreds me, and I shake my head quickly.

“No.”

He immediately shakes his head at the girl and, unbothered, she continues on to the next couple. I watch in amazement.

“This place…” I murmur, my voice trailing off. I look around yet again. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Dominic chuckles, low and dark. “Sin wanted it to be like ancient orgies were rumored to be. In the next room, there’s a Roman bath. Do you want to go in there?”

I glance at Kira and Duncan. Duncan is kissing her neck, but Kira’s eyes are frozen on Dominic and me.

“I don’t think Kira would like that,” I point out, trying to ignore the fact that Dom’s fingers are still inside of me. “She’s watching us.”

“She likes watching me,” Dominic says easily. “She’s been a friend for a long time.”

“Apparently, she’s a good friend of your brother’s, too,” I answer wryly. Dominic ducks his head, nipping at my neck, and I arch against him against my will.

“Why am I here?” I ask him suddenly. “Why did you bring me? To further prove your point that I’m like everyone else?”

Dominic stops moving and looks up at me, his gaze dangerous and dark.

“You’re not like everyone else,” he answers. “I know that you’re not. But I needed you to see what I am. Before we go our separate ways and I never see you again, I needed you to see that I’m fucked up. That way, you won’t always wonder if we did the right thing by breaking things off. You can rest easily and know that we did. Because you don’t deserve someone like me.”

His frankness surprises me, and I stare at him. He shrugs. “It’s true. And you need to know that.”

“How are you fucked up?” I ask, keeping an eye on Kira. She watches me, her eyes narrowed as her legs wrap around Duncan’s naked hips.

“Isn’t it apparent?” Dominic asks, his eyes gleaming. “I can’t get off on normal things. It takes the dark things, the taboo things. If I can get off at all. I’m fucked up, Jacey. Let’s just leave it at that.”

“But why are you fucked up?” I ask bluntly. “Just tell me that much. The Dominic that I know is funny and witty and smart. And he is good, deep down where he tries to hide it. The Dominic that I know isn’t fucked up. Not really.”

Dominic stares at me, his face a perfect mask. “That’s because you don’t know the real Dominic. You’ve sensed him all along. I’ve seen it in your eyes. I’m showing him to you tonight.”

“I don’t believe it,” I whisper, and the words slip through my lips in a hiss. “This isn’t you. This is who you want to be for some reason. You don’t think that you deserve real things—good things. So you let yourself believe that this is your life. Your life could be more, if you’d just let it be, Dominic. I know it.”

I pull away from him. “Look around you. This is sad. Yes, it’s a turn-on to watch… but only because it’s so naughty and dark. These people must have such sad lives—especially those women in the cages. They don’t have anything healthy or real, so they come here to get debased. Look at Kira! She’s in love with you, yet she’s having sex with your brother right now. What the fuck?”

Dominic grips my arm, hard. “There’s nothing wrong with these people,” he tells me in a low voice. “This is just what they like. Most of them are like me. They’re jaded and they’ve seen everything, so the normal doesn’t do it for them anymore. And Kira… she’s not in love with me. She likes this. It’s who she is. She’s fucked up too, like me.”

I look at her again, just in time to see a tear slip down her cheek before she closes her eyes, and I startle.

“She’s crying,” I snap at Dominic. “It doesn’t look like she likes it anymore.”

The words are no sooner out of my mouth than Kira jumps up and runs from the room, toward what looks to be a bathroom. Before I can even think about it, I pull away from Dominic and follow her.

I find her in a heap on a bench in an ornate bathroom. Tears are streaming down her face and her arms are wrapped around her sides. I approach her carefully.

“Are you okay?”

She doesn’t answer. She just continues to cry, staring at the wall.

“I’m sorry,” I offer quietly.

She looks up at me. “Are you?” Her words aren’t sharp or ugly, just a blunt question. I nod.

“I can see that you’re upset. And if I’m at fault, I am sorry.”

Kira looks away, wiping at her eyes. “It’s actually not your fault. I’m pissed because I shouldn’t have been with Duncan.” She looks away, her eyes watery. “I’ve always wanted him, you know… Dominic. Always. Even before Emma died. And after she died, I stuck by him. I was everything that he needed, all of these years, but it’s never mattered. I’ve never been enough. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are, because you won’t be. What he needs is dead. And she’s never coming back.”

“Kira, stop,” Dominic says coldly, and I spin around to find him at the door. He takes two steps toward us and stops again. His face is deadly calm, his voice like ice. “You need to stop.”

I stare at him. “Are you still in love with Emma? Is that what’s wrong with you?”

Because I can’t compete with a dead woman.

“It’s not that simple,” he says, turning to me; but Kira laughs, a cold and empty sound.

“It is that simple. He’s in love with her. He must be. I don’t know what’s wrong with him or what he needs. I don’t know if he knows. Don’t waste your time with him. Trust me. I’ve wasted years. He’ll suck you down and you’ll drown with him.”

I stare at her, then him, and my eyes well up with tears at the thought that she might be right. I hadn’t even realized that I wanted to save him, but I do. I want to save him from this… from all of this.

But maybe Dominic is unsaveable simply because he doesn’t want to be saved. Or maybe he just doesn’t know what actually would save him. Either way, it seems hopeless.

Dominic looks at Kira and something softens in his gaze. “Kira, I’m sorry. I never knew that you wanted more from me. You never said and I never saw it. You’ve been such a good friend to me for so long. And you were a good friend to… her too. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“No?” Kira looks up at him, another tear slipping down her cheek.

“No,” Dominic answers firmly. “I promise you. I would never hurt you on purpose.”

“But you did, anyway,” Kira says softly. “Just like you hurt Emma.” She turns to me. “And just like he’ll hurt you, too.”

A tear escapes from my eye… and I’m crying for everything. For the pain in her voice, for the hopelessness of the situation, for the hurt that I see in Dom’s eyes. And for my heart.

Because it’s broken.

“Now do you see?” Kira asks quietly. She hands me a tissue, and I wipe my eyes. I do see. I see with my own eyes what could happen to me, what Dominic has been trying to tell me all along.

I fell in love with him and all he can do is obliterate me.

But only if I let him.

I shouldn’t be here. In this moment, I realize something.

The difference between normal people and me is that I don’t make smart decisions for myself. I never know when to say when. I never know when to stop fighting for something, when to call it quits in order to protect my own heart.

That ends today.

For the first time in my life, I’m going to make a smart decision, no matter how hard it might be.

I pat Kira on the back, then walk out the door.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Dominic

Jacey slips out of the bathroom before I can stop her.

Quickly, I follow her, winding my way through the crowded room, only to find no sign of her in the long hallway. I almost run through the house, through the people, until I’m standing in the middle of a mass of parked cars. I’m just in time to see Jacey drive away.

I know I should let her go.

But I’m too selfish for that.

I head for my car, and within a minute I’m on the road behind her. My Porsche catches up to her. I motion for her to pull over, but she doesn’t. I can see her crying; I can see the black streaks of mascara running down her cheeks. I motion again, but she refuses. She won’t even look at me.

Gunning my engine, I pull in front of her, forcing her off the road. We’re in a secluded section of Sin’s neighborhood. She kills her engine and gets out of her car, glaring at me angrily.

“What the fuck are you doing, Dominic? I would have thought you’d figure out that if I left, then it means I’m done. But just in case, this is me saying no. No to you, no to your fucked-up life, no to doing anything else with you tonight. Got it?”

Her words instill panic in me, and I don’t know why. All I know is that the thought of her driving away from me, leaving me… I can’t take it. Suddenly, the thought of it is crushing.

I grab her arm. “No. I don’t accept that answer.”

“Why?” Jacey demands. It’s raining now. The rain hits her face and gleams under the streetlight. “You’ve always said that no means no. You don’t have many rules, but at least you have that one. You never wanted me, Dominic. You want a dead woman, and since you can’t have her, you wanted a game. I played it. And now I’m done with it.”

She pulls away and stomps toward her car, but I grab her again, whirling her around and pulling her to me.

“It’s not a game. I meant it when I said I’m fucked up. But I mean it when I say that I don’t want it to be over, too. Whatever it is… you and I… whatever we’re doing. I don’t want it to be over, Jacey. I’m not ready.”

She stares at me in astonishment, her gorgeous face shocked.

“So you want me to hang around until you’re finally ready for it to be over? Until you’re done with me? You want me to end up like Kira… a sniveling wreck on the floor of a bathroom? No thanks, Dom. That’s not me. Not anymore. I’ve been a work in progress for quite a while, and I guess I can finally see that I deserve more than that. I’m worth more than that.”

I swallow hard, a thick lump in my throat, and I’m not sure why it’s there.

“Kira isn’t my fault,” I tell her wildly. “I’ve told her from the beginning what I can offer her. And she wanted to be with me, anyway. She’s always known. She knows me, Jacey. She’s always known me.”

“Just like I know you, Dom,” Jacey says in resignation. “This isn’t about Kira. This is about me and how I know that you’ll hurt me. I know that even though I don’t want to fall for you, I already have. I can’t make it worse now. I just can’t. I have to be strong enough to walk away. You’ve told me all along that you aren’t good for me. And guess what? You’re not.”

Her words cause my stomach to tie into a knot. I know I’m not good for her. I’m not good for anyone, but for her, for Jacey, I want to be.

If I lose her, I don’t know what I’ll do.

“Jacey,” I continue, trying to make my voice steady, “I don’t know what I can offer you. But I’ll try to offer you something more than… this. I know you deserve more. Trust me, I know that. You’re different from everyone I know. You’re a breath of fresh air, and I just want to keep breathing you in. That’s a big thing for me, you have no idea.”

“You don’t know what you can offer me?” she asks slowly, her brown eyes pained as she stares at me. “How about… yourself? Offer me yourself and I’ll stay. But I want all of you. I want a real relationship. I want you and your problems and the truth and the ugliness. I need to know all of it. Can you do that?”

Can I?

The idea of telling Jacey everything causes my heart to pound, and I see horrific images in my head. They blur together… Emma’s cold hands, her pale face, the blood. The lights from the ambulance. The blood. Her headstone. My guilt. The blood.

I close my eyes for a minute, and behind my lids it’s red from the blood that I can’t stop seeing. I open them helplessly and I can’t say anything. I can’t get my tongue to work.

All I can do is grab Jacey and pull her to me, forcing her lips to my own. Hers are soft and yielding, kissing me back for just a second until she pulls away. When she does, there are tears streaking down her face again, falling in black rivulets down her cheeks, mixing with the rain.

“I didn’t think so,” she says softly when I don’t say anything. “Answer me one question, Dominic. And be honest. For once, please, just be completely, brutally honest.” She swallows hard, her hands clenched, and looks me in the eye.

“Are you still in love with Emma? Yes or no?”

She might as well have hit me with a Mack Truck. I stare at her, silent, trying to figure out how to explain.

“It’s not that simple,” I say helplessly. But she shakes her head.

“It’s a yes or no answer, Dom. You taught me this game. Are you still in love with Emma? Yes or no?”

She stares at me, waiting. From the look in her eyes I can tell she’s wavering between wanting to know and being afraid to know.

“Yes or no?” she whispers.

I draw in a shaky breath. “Yes.”

Her breath exhales in a feathery hiss and she shoves her hair out of her eyes with shaking fingers.

“The word yes has never hurt so much.” Her voice is a whisper, so soft I can barely hear it. I reach for her, but she shrugs away, out of my reach.

She walks away, her shoulders slumped as she gets into her car and drives off.

I stand in the rain for what seems like forever, watching as her taillights disappear into the rain, and the night swallows up her car.

I stand there and let the rain run into my eyes until I can no longer see.

Until I can no longer see that she left me.

When I get into my car, I’m empty inside, more empty and numb than I’ve been in years. Emptier than I’ve ever felt before.

There’s only one place I can think of to go, one place that will absorb my pain. As I pass through the gates of Mount Olivet Catholic Cemetery, the darkness surrounds me, and I feel a sense of comfort… of familiarity.

I haven’t been here in years, but I find Emma’s headstone easily. I go straight to it. It’s easy to see. Her parents bought an enormous white marble stone encircled by the wings of an angel.

I kneel in front of it and trace her name under my fingers.

Emma Brandt.

She was no angel, but I loved her anyway. Her stone is cold to the touch… as cold as ice, as cold as my heart. I think of Sin’s song.

Your heart is cold, cold as ice, but it’s mine to take.

My heart is cold as ice. It will stay that way… because of Emma. I curl up in front of her name and lie with my cheek against the stone, staring into the night.

She wrecked me. She might as well have me.

I’m not fit for anyone else.

In a while, it starts to rain again, a light, cold rain that soaks into my clothes and lingers on my skin. I don’t even care, and honestly, I barely notice. It can’t wash away who I am, what I’ve done, or who I’ve been. I fall asleep listening to the rain falling on Emma’s stone.

When I open my eyes again, it’s morning.

My clothes are wet and my throat is raspy since I breathed damp night air all night long. I sit up and look around, ignoring the odd looks from a cemetery worker. He goes back to weeding a flower bed, but still glances at me every now and then, probably wondering if I’m crazy. I should save him the trouble and just tell him that I am.

I check my phone and find ten messages from Tally. Because, fuck, I missed my flight home. I should be on-set right now. I sigh and climb back into my car.

Everything seems like it’s falling apart and I don’t know how to stop it. This is the reason I’m carefully detached, always. I’m cool and calm and collected and I do the things I need to do. Always. I do it so that I don’t fall apart.

But now there’s Jacey.

And nothing is the same as it was before.

Jacey

I can’t see through the tears streaming down my cheeks. They’re hot and salty and drip onto my clothes.

I pick up the phone and dial Maddy’s number, wanting to cry on her shoulder, to get her sage advice, but her voicemail picks up.

I wait, then try again a few minutes later, but still no answer.

I drive aimlessly until I realize where I’m headed.

Brand.

I shake my head. Of course I’m headed for Brand. It’s what I always do when I need help or when I need comforting.

I know I shouldn’t run to him anymore because he wants to comfort me in ways that I don’t want. He wants to be with me. For real.

But I can’t think of anything but Dominic. My heart hurts in such a way that it’s almost blinding. It’s all I can feel.

I pull up out front of his condo building and almost sprint for his door. When I reach it, I’m out of breath, my makeup is smeared, and I’m a sniveling wreck. He answers the door, shirtless and in workout shorts, and stares at me.

“What the hell, Jacey?” he asks quickly, pulling me inside. “What happened? Are you all right?”

I nod, then shake my head, then drop onto his sofa and cry. He sits next to me awkwardly, patting my back with his giant hands.

“Tell me what to do and I’ll do it,” he tells me helplessly. “Did he hurt you? I’ll fucking kick his teeth in if he did.”

I shake my head, then nod.

“But not how you think,” I add quickly when Brand immediately starts to get up. With his military background, whenever he hears the word hurt, he automatically assumes it’s in a physical way. “He didn’t lay a finger on me.”

Brand pauses, then stares down at me with confusion in his blue eyes.

“Then what did he do?” he asks hesitantly.

I drop my face into my hands, taking a moment to catch my breath.

“He obliterated me,” I say limply.

I curl onto my side, burying my face into the sofa cushions, and sob. I cry for all the things I can’t say, the things I can’t put into words. How Dominic is so haunted and damaged, and how I thought I could help him by showing him that people are good. That not everyone will hurt him. How I can’t make him see that. How he makes me feel so alive and so sexy, yet at the same time, he must be so toxic for me… because right now I’m empty and it’s because of him.

I cry for all of this.

For all of these things that Brand doesn’t know.

Regardless, he stays next to me, patting me, soothing me. And he stays that way, just letting me cry until I can’t cry anymore. He does what Brand always does… makes me feel better just by being here for me.

When I finally sit up, my eyes are hot and tired.

“What did he do?” Brand asks calmly, his gaze level and strong. “Tell me.”

“He told me from the beginning not to get attached to him,” I admit. “But I did anyway. He told me, Brand. It wasn’t his fault. I guess, deep down, I thought I could fix him somehow. He’s got issues. His girlfriend died and he still loves her and it’s just a messed up ball of shit.”

Brand stares at me sympathetically.

“Jace, you should know by now that you can’t fix anyone. And if his girlfriend died… well, it’s hard to say how that will affect him. Grief does strange things to people.”

“But it was six years ago,” I tell him. “Dominic blames himself for some fucked-up reason. I don’t know why, because he won’t say.”

Brand stares at me, and something flickers in his eyes. I’ve seen him look that way before, haunted and sad. But then he hides it and shrugs.

“If he won’t say, then maybe he should blame himself. Maybe it is his fault,” he suggests softly.

“I doubt it,” I mutter. But then I see Brand’s face, and his soft gaze, and I’m reminded once again of the truth.

For him, I’m no longer his little sister. His feelings for me have grown. I can’t cry to him anymore about my issues with men. Not when he’s in love with me.

God. Why did I come here? My heart squeezes in my chest and I reach for Brand’s hands.

“Brand, I’m sorry to unload on you like this. It isn’t fair now that I know how you feel…”

My voice trails off like the dumbass I am. But Brand levels a stare at me.

“How do I feel?” he asks quietly. He’s hesitant and nervous and appalled. If I tried to lie, it would be an insult to him.

“I can see how you feel about me,” I say limply. “I’m sorry, Brand. I wish I felt the same way. You’re the best person I know. It’s why I always come to you, because you’re so fucking amazing. I wish that I loved you like you want me to.”

He flushes, the first time I’ve ever seen him flush.

“It’s okay,” he says quietly. “It’s my issue to deal with, not yours. It’s not your fault that things changed for me and not for you. I’ll get a handle on it. We won’t change, Jace.”

I stare at him, at the goodness in his eyes and his heart. Brand is just so… good. Through and through. All along, I’ve been chasing what’s bad for me when maybe the very best thing for me has been in front of me all along.

On impulse, I lean over and kiss him. On the mouth.

He kisses me back. For one split second. Then he pulls away. I try to cling to him, but he pushes me away.

“Make me feel better, Brand,” I murmur pleadingly. “Please.”

Brand glares at me as he takes a deep breath.

“Jesus, Jacey. Give me a second.”

He pulls himself under control as I breathe harshly on the opposite end of the sofa. He finally turns and looks at me, and there is pain in his eyes.

“You don’t want me,” he says pointedly. “Not really. I know that and you know that. You want Dominic Kinkaide, but you can’t have him, so you want to use me to fill up the rejection that you feel. It’s not fair, Jace. Not to me and not to you.”

He’s breathing hard as he watches me, as he waits for my reaction. I close my eyes and he continues.

“This is what you always do, Jacey. You’ve done it since you were a teenager. I’ve stood by and watched it. Your dad was never home, he never cared, and you sought out that acceptance and approval for years from random guys. And when you’re rejected, you run straight to the next guy. But you can’t do that anymore.”

I choke on my tears because I know he’s right. Because I know it and because that’s exactly what my therapist told me. It’s humiliating and true and horrible.


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