Текст книги "Fraternizing"

Автор книги: C. Brown

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 26 страниц)

I felt weak. I felt spent. I felt dirty and ashamed. Through fighting my allegiance to the Corps, my feelings for Cassie and my own guilt-ridden mind, I was spiraling out of control and hating every second of it.

Riley walked me out to my truck and helped me into the passenger seat.

"I'm letting the guys know you're sick, and I'm taking you home. I'll come back for them."

"Don’t say that shit. I'm not sick."

"Yes you are. Even if it's not physical."

He shut the door and took off into the darkness, headed back for the bar entrance. Turning my head to the side, I watched Castillo fix herself as she walked back towards the bar. The thought of her hands and mouth on my dick sickened me all over again. I couldn’t stand the thought of what I had done and how stupidly I had tried to erase Cassie from my mind. She was embedded in me, and for better or for worse, I wanted and needed her.

I thrust the door open, leaning my head out just in time as puke erupted from my mouth, crashing down on the gravel below. My body felt like it had been run over by a seven ton, and all of the aches and pains that accompanied it were well deserved. I couldn’t believe how senseless I had acted, and how low I had sunk. I didn't deserve Cassie, but I wanted her so badly.

Chapter 16

Cassie

Friday was a nightmare.

On the one hand, I was proud of Alex for his accomplishment, but also pissed at him for completely ignoring me. His words came creeping back into my head, how he had no intention of fucking and running. Well, the more I looked back at what had transpired between us, the more I believed that was precisely what he had done.

Alex was the model Marine, but he was also a shitty person, and sometimes the two went hand in hand. Thoughts of the things we had done, the loving and protective way that he'd come to my defense when confronted with potential issues...it hadn’t dawned on me that he was hiding his true self. Of course, I should have known better. I was now, that girl, and rather than cry about it, I wanted to kick my own ass for it.

Angelica stayed in the room all night, making everything completely awkward. I had no drive to get out of my bed after the school day, so I stayed tucked in, reading the study manual for the radio system that we would be tested on the following week. The challenge presented to us in class was music to my ears. A whole seventy-two, to myself? I couldn't think of anything better, and I was determined to win it.

Dalton came over but didn't stay long. He wanted to head out to the free concert put on by the Marine band at The General's Lawn, but amped up music and smiling faces just didn’t seem like the right place for me to be. I was also afraid that since it was a military event, I would run into Alex and feel the weight of a boulder on my chest again. I wasn't one to whine, but seeing him struck me with pain, and since I had to see him during the regular work/school day, I needed to avoid him anyway that I could.

Angelica's cell phone woke me early Saturday morning. I'd planned on sleeping in since sleep seemed to be the only time I got any peace, but she gave no courtesy to me sleeping in the bed right next to her. Instead, she answered, laughing and talking loudly while I tossed and turned, hoping she would get the hint. When she did finally leave, I had the hardest time going back to sleep, so I got up, threw on some workout clothes, and went out on the same run that Dalton and I had done before. If I was going to inflict pain on myself, I wanted it to be done by doing something good to my body, not sabotaging it.

The rising sun creeping over the mountains hit me and poured just a tiny bit of pick me up into my soul. It felt good, all eighty or so degrees of it. The morning air, warm and slightly humid, brought a refreshing aura with it. I definitely needed it. My week had been filled with doubts and lingering questions. There was also the fear that I could be reported and destroyed, and it all hung over me like a dangling noose. It was about time to rid myself of it. If Alex didn't want to continue on with me, then I damn sure wasn't about to be hung up and worried about him.

I ran all the way back to the barracks. If Alex had done anything good with me, the anger he fueled gave me the determination to push through one of my least favorite activities–running. I looked at my watch just as I approached the building, seeing that I had shaved a good two minutes from the last time I tried this route. Exhausted joy coursed through me. I finally felt as if I was getting back to being me.

When I made my way to the stairs, I peeked into the duty room and found Dalton standing there in workout clothes, speaking to the Corporal on duty. He turned his head and noticed me, hollering, "Hey, Bennett, wait up."

I stopped, waiting on the bottom step as he came waltzing out, his everlasting smile still plastered on his face.

"You were so out of it last night, I wasn't sure you'd be up and out before noon."

"Yeah, well, when Cruella Deville is your roommate, your sleep runs on her schedule."

He laughed, and I found the energy to do it too.

"I'm heading to the chow hall in about a half hour. You want to go with me? Make up for our breakfast that got cancelled?"

His smile grew larger, and I was weakened. Even if I’d wanted to turn him down, I couldn't do so.

"Meet me at my room in a half hour. And this time, avoid any instructors lurking around here."

"Alright. See ya in a bit."

Dalton went back into the duty room, and I jogged up the stairs. When I reached my room, I looked over the balcony and found Angelica off in the parking lot, talking and laughing with what looked like Castillo. Bile rose in my throat as I watched two people who loathed me, befriending one another. Their exchanges looked so natural. It shouldn't have shocked me since both of them seemed to come with about as much venom as a poisonous snake. The desert was a fitting environment for them, and it was only natural that they found one another.

I shook them off and walked into my room, hurrying to the bathroom and hopping into the shower before Angelica came back and tried to bulldoze her way in front of me. Since Alex confronted her, she hadn't had much to say, but her pettiness was growing and I really had no desire to deal with it.

I washed my hair, remembering the feel of Alex's hand running through it. Even though I knew I needed to forget about him, it was so hard to do. The slightest of things constantly reminded of him, pulling me back into that place that was full of anger, hurt, and bitterness. I hurried through my hair washing, scrubbed my body, then got out. The sooner I was occupied, the better.

"Good morning, Cassie," Angelica said with too much sweetness. Her eyes thinned into snake-like slits. I knew she was up to no good.

"Good morning, Angelica," I dryly replied. I found no reason to be fake and put on a show with her. I didn't like her, and she knew it.

"Are you done in the bathroom? I need to shower after that intense kickboxing session this morning."

She studied my face, almost as if she were looking for a response from me, but I kept my cool and didn’t give her one. If I had learned anything from my very short time in the Corps, it was how to grow a thick skin when it came to petty bitches.

I brushed past her, moving over to my side of the room without responding to her unwanted information. There wasn't anything that could come out of her mouth that I needed nor wanted to hear.

"You know Sgt. Castillo and Sgt. Cruz have something, right?" Her voice elevated the further into the bathroom she walked. The sound of her footsteps stopped, right along with my breath.

She poked her head out of the bathroom, prompting me to turn to my wall locker and gather the things out of it that I needed. She didn't deserve a reaction from me, and I had no reason to give her one.

"Go ahead and play high and mighty, Cassie, but your boy Cruz is a manipulator. I overheard her talking about it. They all went out to celebrate last night, and he fucked her in her Jeep." She paused, stepping further out and staring at me.

I could feel the intensity of her gaze, burning into me like solar flares. What the hell was she up to? There was nothing for me to be mad and upset about if two Marines found each other attractive and acted on it. Alex and I were not an item, and if he wanted to dig into the trash for his next fuck, then so be it.

Only, I couldn’t make myself believe that.

Of course, I had a reason to be upset. Couple or not, he was fucking wrong if this were true. But I had to consider the source. Ever since Alex went for me at Coyotes, Angelica had turned into a first class bitch, and seeing me suffer seemed to be all that she was after.

I laughed her off.

"Well, that's nice. I hope it was good." The words were like deep cuts, slicing their way through me. It hurt saying that shit, even if it was just a front.

"Okay, Cassie. We both know you and Cruz had something going on. The fact that he would fuck another chick in our immediate circle says a lot about him."

"You know, Angelica, you have too much time on your hands. You've been trying to stick it to me ever since that night at Coyotes. It was a dance, that's it. But, I can't help but wonder if all of this is just your childish way of screaming that you're pissed you didn't get picked."

Her eyes lost their gleam, instead rocketing daggers at me.

"I guess I should warn your new buddy, Castillo that she better watch out. You don’t play nice when you don't get what you want, and it's obvious that Sgt. Cruz is what you want."

Her mouth tightened as her chest heaved furiously. I had hit a nerve, but it was only fitting because she had hit one with me. I hated that she could get under my skin with something that shouldn't have mattered, and probably wasn't even true, but she had. And in order to make her back the hell up, I had to go for the jugular.

And it felt good.

She turned around and walked back into the bathroom, slamming the door with all her might. A small victory had been won, but I was sure that a larger battle was lurking ahead.

About fifteen minutes later, Dalton came knocking on my door. His blond hair neatly styled, while mine was thrown into a damp ponytail.

"You ready?" he cheerfully asked, stepping into the doorway and holding the door open for me.

"Hell yes. Get me out of here."

"What happened?"

"Do you even need to ask?"

I stepped out of the room and waited as he shut the door.

We walked to the chow hall with minimal conversation. Dalton would comment on the weather, the passing birds, or even the cars in the parking lot– anything to keep from walking in utter silence. I answered, trying to be polite, but I couldn't carry on the conversation. I was boiling—angry at so many people and unable to figure any sort of way of dealing with it.

We walked in and grabbed our food, then sat down at the first available table. I played with my food while my mind darted back to Alex, Angelica, and Castillo.

"Earth to Cassie." He waved his hand in front of me, breaking me from my daydream.

"Cassie? You never call me that."

"Well, I had to get your attention somehow. And anyway, I like your first name better. What the heck is going on with you? And don't tell me nothing because I'm no idiot."

I exhaled a deep breath. I did not want to go into the ins and outs of everything that was irking me. I didn't want Dalton to know what I had been up to. I didn’t want him looking at me differently.

"I'm just sick of Angelica and her petty shit, that's all. I keep thinking about how much longer I have to live with her, and it's starting to really bother me."

"Well, you could always ask for a different room assignment."

"And cave to that bitch? I don't think so."

He smiled and lightly shook his head. My answer seemed to placate him, and that was all I really needed. I wasn't about to delve into my transgressions in a military chow hall where ears were as wide as the days were long.

I picked over my food, eating very little before I was ready to head back to my room and dig back into my study manual. Dalton put me on his back and ran us all the way back, finally giving me a reason to laugh. I hadn't joyously laughed in what felt like forever. Not since Alex had hastily checked out. When we got back to the room, Angelica was gone.

Thankfully.

Dalton followed me in, plopping down on my bed as I grabbed my manual and sat down next to him. His eyes bore into me, but I kept my head down, trying to ignore the fact that I knew so much more was coming.

"Cassie, talk to me."

I didn't look up from my manual. Instead, I turned the page and tried to focus even harder.

"I can only imagine you hate living with Angelica, but that's not the end of it. And I wasn't going to push you to talk in a crowded chow hall, but now it's us. Talk to me." His voice was a soft plea, and it cut down to my bones.

I felt awful for leaving him in the dark, especially since he had dug into his closet and shared deeply personal information. I’d never had a shoulder to lean on, a confidant, a real friend. I looked at him and found nothing but compassion in his eyes. The longer he looked at me, the weaker I became.

"You haven't been yourself all week. I've been worried, but I didn't want to push you."

"I've been fine. Have you seen me crying?"

"People don't have to cry to show their hurt, Cassie. What's going on with you?"

I stood. Walking to the bathroom, I internally debated telling him or not. Before I could come to a conclusion, he spoke again, this time jolting me back into reality.

"This has something to do with Sgt. Cruz, doesn't it?"

Prickles shot up all over my arms as the hair on the nape of my neck stood at attention. I didn’t want to turn around and face him, but standing there like a statue was just as incriminating, so I finally turned and looked into his eyes.

"What makes you say that?" I meekly asked, hoping to fend him off.

"Well, by your reaction, I would say I'm right. And anyway, we're friends. I've gotten to know you well since combat training, and I can read you. I'm pretty good at that, you know."

The smile he gave, and the sincerity in his eyes, cracked me. I couldn’t stand to lie to him any longer, or omit anything that I knew was already true.

"Yes. This has to do with Cruz," I finally said, feeling the weight of the world leave my shoulders with every word.

He patted my bed, scooting over and making room for me to sit down.

"What happened?"

I filled him in on everything. From the night we met at Coyotes, to the formation, clear up until Alex's sudden mood change. The information had been stored in me like a stuffed box, ready to burst. I never thought I’d be so relieved to tell someone about what was going on between me and my instructor, but I was, and Dalton was supportive. He pulled me into a hug, holding me close while he rested his chin on the top of my head.

"You poor thing. Why didn't you tell me? I can't even imagine having to walk around holding all of that in."

"I was scared. We can lose so much if this gets out."

"I know that, but seriously, you have to have an outlet."

I pulled away from him, wanting to look into the only friendly face in my life at the moment.

"So what happened with Angelica this morning? Because between making breakfast plans and meeting up, you were different, and not in a good way."

"I guess I'm not the hard ass I think I am, huh?"

"Nope."

I scooted back on my bed, crossing me legs Indian style while facing him.

"Well, Alex hasn't spoken to me in over a week. Okay, whatever. But I saw Angelica in the parking lot with Sgt. Castillo this morning, and when she came back up here she was telling me that all of the instructors went out last night to celebrate Alex's NCO of the Quarter award–"

He laughed.

"Can I just say it's super weird for me to hear him being referred to as Alex? That's all. Go on."

I smiled at him, realizing that it was probably a little weird since we typically went by rank and last name.

"Sorry. Anyway, she let me know that according to Sgt. Castillo, she and Sgt. Cruz," I emphasized his name, "fucked in her Jeep last night."

"What the hell? Do you believe her?"

"I don’t want to. Angelica and Castillo have nothing but hate for me. I wouldn't put it past them to come up with some shit to try and catch me...or break me."

"Hmmm. Well, I think you should just be forth coming and ask him."

"He won't respond to me. And I don’t really think I should. We aren’t together. We've never been a couple, so what's the point? If he wants to fuck everything walking, that's his right."

"But what about you? I know you're looking at it as just fucking, but from everything you've just told me, I think it’s a little more than that."

He had me.

He had me pegged, and I absolutely hated it.

"Look. I saw you happy, probably the happiest I have ever seen you while your little cat and mouse game was going on, but now you’re the lowest I've ever seen you. So, I think you owe it to yourself to at least try and find your footing where he's concerned."

"I'm not chasing anyone."

"No one said chase. But you should definitely ask. At least put the rumor to rest."

"I've tried contacting him. He won't respond. There's nothing else I can do."

"I bet if you were blunt with it, he'd respond."

His words blared out like a neon sign. Of course being direct would back him into a corner, and I’d seen Alex backed into a corner. He got aggressive. But if I was going to put my mind at ease, I had to do it.

"You're right. Hand me my phone please."

I took my phone from Dalton and typed out a text to Alex.

Chapter 17

Alex

Cassie: You ditched me and started something up with Castillo? Way to not fuck and run, Alex.

Her text woke me out of my drunken stupor. Last night had been an awful idea.

Fuck!

And now, somehow Cassie knew about, or at least she’d heard about what happened between me and Castillo. The only person who could have told her would have been Castillo herself, and it infuriated me. I didn't want her anywhere near Cassie, and I certainly didn't want her throwing that fucking mistake in her face.

I read the text message a few times, thinking about how their interaction must have gone, and grew more and more angry by the second. Of all the people to be completely and utterly stupid with, why the fuck did I have to do it with Castillo? Why did I have to be stupid in the first place?

My heart was racing with every thought. I knew I still wanted Cassie, but how could I have her and keep my standing in the Marine Corps? Even after she graduated, people would look at the situation funny, knowing I had met her through school. The way I would be perceived in the eyes of my brothers mattered to me; it mattered a hell of a lot. On the other hand, I couldn't remember ever feeling so strongly for someone. Cassie had a way with me. She got me to crawl down off my high horse, shed the rough exterior, and be normal.

I hadn't been normal since I'd raised my hand and swore to protect my country. My life had been run by rules, regulations, and consequences. I couldn't and didn’t care to see beyond them.

Until now.

Now, I wanted to question things, but I wasn't sure how, and faced with uncertainty, the best fall back were those rules and regulations that had never led me astray.

I glared at the text again, trying to make myself respond, but afraid of falling back under her sweet and enticing spell. Instead, I hit the call button for Castillo. She answered on the third ring.

"Hello," she said. The noise in the background indicated that she was driving.

"What the fuck did you say to Pfc. Bennett?"

"Wow, Alex. You make me look like a whore last night, and now you're calling me over your little play thing. You're amazing."

"Leti, I'm only going to ask you one more time what the fuck you said to her before I completely lose my shit on you."

She breathed hard, exhaling deeply into the phone.

"I haven't said shit to your little girlfriend. But thanks for letting me know I've been right all along."

"You fucking listen to me. You have nothing to fucking say to her. You don't even have a fucking reason to look at her. You work in admin, and unless she has a reason to see you, you stay the fuck away from her. You understand that?"

My breaths blew out of my nose like a raging bull. Then it dawned on me that I didn't counter her when she blurted out that Cassie was my girlfriend and that she'd been right about it. The thought temporarily seized me, making me think long and hard about the way my subconscious was responding where my controlled thoughts were thinking differently.

"Alex, how far you have fallen. A student?"

"You've been a manipulative bitch since the days of Evelyn. You go any further with this, and I'll have your ass taken down, Leti. I promise you that. Back. The. Fuck. Up."

I hung up the phone and threw it against the wall. Luckily, in my blind rage, the cover took the brunt of the impact, cracking and falling to the ground. Riley came rushing into my room.

"Get the fuck out, Riley."

"What happened?"

I turned and glowered at him. He didn’t relent, instead moving further into the room.

"You're fucking losing it, Alex. What is going on with you?"

"Where have you been this morning?" I asked, working furiously to catch my breath.

"What?"

"Where the fuck have you been?"

"I went on base to wash and detail my truck before the sun ruined that for me."

"So you were on base?" That revelation plastered suspicion all over me. In my furor, I couldn't see anything for what it was.

Had Riley spoken to Cassie and spilled the beans as a way to punish me? I couldn't be sure of anyone or anything anymore. The alcohol still coursing through my veins was contributing to my irrational thoughts, fueling the anger. I grabbed him by his shirt collar with both hands and lifted him, slamming him against the wall.

"Look shithead. I fucked up last night. I admit that. But you going to Cassie and telling her is going to get your ass beat."

He powered up and worked his way out of my grip.

"Get your shit together, Alex. I didn't go over to the barracks at all. I didn’t even see Cassie this morning."

I was breathing erratically, feeling the haze of my hangover looming over my head.

"Where the fuck is Jensen?"

I heard the door swing open a little wider, Jensen standing the frame.

"I'm right here. And what the hell does Bennett have to do with any of this?" Disapproval filled his face as he looked me over, his mouth forming into a tight scowl. "You went on and fucked her, didn’t you?”

“That’s none of your business, Jensen. Stay in your fucking place!” My teeth clenched as did my fists as I yelled out the last part, my frustrations seemingly taking over my body.

“No, you stay in your place, Alex. You went ahead and fucked a student. That’s abuse of power. You’ve sunk low, motherfucker. That NCO of the Quarter should be burned at your feet. You don’t represent shit that’s good for the Corps.”

I charged him.

He braced himself for the impact, and both of us went down, rolling over one another and swinging. Riley jumped in between us, taking a few punches to the face, before finally pulling me away.

"I don’t give a shit what you think of me, Jensen.”

He spit on my wood floor, disrespecting me and my place. If I wasn’t feeling the excess alcohol swirling around in my stomach while trying to catch my breath, I would have charged him again.

"I can’t believe you’ve pursued this. You used to be someone to look up to. I don’t even know you anymore."

I didn't care if I had just confirmed for him that I was or had been involved with her. Correcting the situation with Cassie was the only thing on my mind. Riley shook his head, realizing what I had just done. A piece of me wanted to take it back, but I was running on adrenaline, and whatever came out I'd just have to deal with.

"You're still seeing her? Still fucking her?"

I didn’t answer. I wiped at my lip, the metallic taste of blood on my tongue.

"Who the fuck have you become? NCO of the Quarter, Staff Sergeant select, brig time… none of that shit means anything to you, does it?"

I didn’t answer him. The truth was, it all meant the world to me, but Cassie meant even more.

"I'm not standing behind you with this shit, Alex. Fraternizing is a highly punishable offense. What's happened to you? Pussy is all the same, man. I lined one up for you last night. It's that easy, you know."

"Fuck you, Jensen. If you can't see beyond the rules manual, get the fuck out of my room."

"How did you flip over night? Is her pussy magical? Did she cast a spell on you with it?"

"We're not fucking robots, that's how," I growled, my voice low and gruff.

A hush fell over the room.

Riley shut his eyes. Jensen deepened his frown.

Freeing myself from the guilt of everything that had been going on with Cassie was surprisingly welcomed. As fearful as I had been about letting the cat out of the bag, especially to non-supportive fucks like Jensen, the release of it brought a sense of calm over me, washing me clean of my misdeed.

"The Alex Cruz I knew loved the Corps. Put the Corps first and everything else second. This new you is sickening, man."

"When you break out from behind the fucking mask, you'll finally see what I see, Jensen. Until then, you'll remain blind and continue to follow orders that look good on paper, but don't necessarily work out in real life."

"The Corps is real life, Alex. When we don't follow orders, people die. Good leaders know that!” he yelled, veins bulging from his neck as his face flushed red.

"And good leaders also know how to think for themselves. Now get the fuck out of my room,” I countered, equally passionate and angry.

He stood glaring between Riley and me.

"I can't believe I'm looking at both of you and don't even know who you are."

Then he turned and stomped out of the house. I heard the roar of his Mustang and the tires peel out of the driveway. I needed to respond to Cassie and do some damage control before I lost everything. I was willing to lose out on Jensen because he couldn't see me for who I was. I wasn't willing to lose out on her, and my morning breakdown proved to me that I wasn't strong enough to hold the Corps before her, and even more so, I didn’t want to.

 Fighting against something that I deeply wanted, yet trying to make myself believe that I didn’t need it, had brought me to a level that made me hate myself. The only way to find me again was to find her, but I couldn't be sure that she would want anything to do with me. Not with me completely cutting her off and distancing myself from her, and now this newfound information concerning Castillo. I had to get back to her and straighten everything out– if I hadn't lost her already.

"Riley, I need some privacy."

He handed me my phone, apparently having read my mind.

I took it from him, thankful and apologetic, but not saying a word. When he was out of the room, and the door closed, I skipped the text message and called her. I needed to get everything out with her.

Not surprisingly, she didn’t answer. I tried her number again and again, but it just rang and went to voicemail.

As badly as I wanted to speak to her, I needed to get my side out, so I settled on a text.

Me: I know you know all about Castillo. I can't apologize enough. It was a mistake, and I am feeling it. You were on my mind all night, so I tried to drown you out with alcohol and her. Fuck, Cassie. I'm fucking sorry. Call me.

I sat on my bed, waiting for my phone to buzz with a response, but I didn't get one. Karma hit me as I sat, my heart racing, my hands sweating, hoping I would get a reply from her. In all of my anxiety, it humbled me a bit, having to feel what she was probably feeling when I acted fucking stupid and ignored every text from her. As right as she was to shut me out, I didn’t want her to. I wanted her to open her arms and take me back in, allow me to explain and fix everything that I had caused, and prove to her that my fuck up was not who I was. I needed her to let me make things right.

Twenty minutes passed, and there was still no reply from her. Every muscle in my body grew tense, clenching and hardening, making me completely uncomfortable. I rushed off to the bathroom and started the shower, hoping the heat would help to sweat some more of the alcohol out of my system while also calming me down.

I stepped in, standing directly under the raging water. I closed my eyes and replayed everything that had happened and how I'd mismanaged every piece of it. If I had just told her about the award, and talked everything out with her, none of the rest of this shit would have ever happened. I had allowed the old, mechanical Alex to ruin shit for the real, live, emotion having Alex. I had just completely and utterly fucked up.

My dick grew hard and ached with the tension that had built up. I looked down, finding it standing erect and pulsing with pain. I took hold of it, gripping as tightly as I could and began to move my hand back and forth. The harder I stroked, the more intense the pain became. When I slowed, the pain turned into stabs, sending sharp aches all over my body. I couldn't stop. I had to stroke the frustration and anger out of me.

I started up the hard strokes again, finally feeling like I was bringing some relief to the surface. The need to come came quickly, but with stronger and more intensified movements, the backlog hit. I could feel my release but couldn't quite get to it. I balled my free hand up into a tight fist and banged on the shower walls, yelling out my irritation. I began to picture Cassie in the shower with me, the way she allowed her body to helplessly fall into mine, her sweet and sensual neck, her perky tits and intoxicating smile. All of it wrapped into one was picture perfect perfection, and I finally came, long and hard. My groans filled the shower, and the beats on the wall gave way for the powerful release I let out.

I leaned up against the wall, allowing the water to run over me while I caught my breath. Flashes of her smile continuously hit me, making me even more eager to finally fix everything I had done wrong where she was concerned. I jumped out of the shower, not even bothering to dry off, and grabbed my phone to find an awaiting text message.