Текст книги "Epic Sins"
Автор книги: Trudy Stiles
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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 17 страниц)
Sam
Present
Six Weeks Later
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 24
“HEY, YOU HAVE YOUR FOOT BACK!” Cassie says as we walk toward the car. She drove me to the orthopedic doctor to get my final x-ray to confirm the bones in the top of my foot have healed. I had fractures in the first and second metatarsal bones, and I had to wear a large boot on my foot for six weeks. It feels great to walk without that stiff contraption on my foot. “I want to drive,” I state. It’s been a while since I’ve driven.
“Sure,” she says and tosses me the keys to Garrett’s SUV. My car has been at the house that I share with Aunt Peggy since I haven’t been able to drive for the past six weeks. She, Garrett and Cassie have all split duties in helping chauffeur me around.
Garrett has been incredible. Since my injury, he’s really taking a lead in Kai’s care. In fact, he’s home with Kai and the occupational therapist right now.
“Jim wants to know when you’re coming back to work,” Cassie says nonchalantly.
I want to go back. I really do. But I can’t imagine not being here with Kai. And Garrett.
“I don’t know, Cass.”
“You’ve been gone for almost six months. They reversed your suspension almost three months ago. It’s time, don’t you think?”
“I’ll think about it,” I say, trying to dismiss her question.
“Sam, you know I love you, and I’m so proud of everything you’re doing for Kai, but you’re a nurse, not a nanny.” She pauses and pulls something from her purse. “Maybe this will help change your mind,” she says, slipping an envelope into my bag.
“What’s that?” I ask, curiously.
“It’s a letter… from Olivia.”
My heart starts to race and I grip the steering wheel. Ben’s mother.
“What?” I ask and start to feel faint. Thankfully, Garrett’s driveway is just ahead, and I press the button to open the security gate. I slam on the brakes when we reach the top of the driveway and throw the SUV into park.
“Hey, don’t stress out about it. Jim actually read it before he gave it to me. He wants you to read it.”
I open the door and swipe my bag from the center console. “I’m going inside. Are you coming?” I ask and don’t wait for her to respond before I head toward the front door.
“I can’t,” she calls after me. “My shift starts in an hour, and I have to go home to get my scrubs. Pink monkeys today. Jealous?” She smiles warmly, trying to make me feel better.
She walks to her own car and blows me a kiss. “Call me later?” I wave goodbye without confirming.
I enter the house, and I immediately hear giggling coming from upstairs. “Aunt Peggy?” I call out but no answer. I walk up the stairs and follow the giggles obviously coming from Kai’s room.
When I open the door, I see Garrett’s face close to Kai’s bare belly, and he moves closer, blowing raspberries on him. Kai laughs, screeching and kicking his legs. His arms are flailing around, and he’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him. Garrett does it again, and Kai’s giggles get louder. He’s barely able to catch his breath when Garrett tickles him again. “Do you like that?” Garrett asks his son, unaware of my presence.
“It sure looks like it!” I respond, and Garrett turns his head, startled.
Kai claps his hands in front of him and kicks his legs, laughing hysterically. The sight in front of me warms my heart. “Look who it is, buddy,” Garrett says, picking up Kai from the table. Kai continues to giggle and clap his hands. Then he sticks his tongue out and blows raspberries into the air, causing drool to drip from his mouth.
I rush over and grab a baby wipe from the table and dab Kai’s mouth and chin. He giggles and blows raspberries again, causing more drool to fall.
“I think it’s a lost cause,” Garrett says and places his hand over mine, taking the wipe away. Kai continues to giggle and drool, and it’s beautiful. He reaches his arms out in front of him and leans toward me. “Oh, Sam’s back and suddenly you want her, not me?” he teases Kai and passes him into my arms. Kai opens his mouth and places it on my cheek. It’s his idea of a sloppy kiss. And I love it.
Garrett reaches out with the baby wipe and dabs it on the wet spot on my cheek.
“Has he had a nap yet?” I ask.
Our rhythm feels so much like a family right now. It’s wonderful, but I know it isn’t real or permanent.
“No, I was just getting ready to put him down.” Garrett turns on the lullaby music and walks through the room, closing the blinds. Last week, we started putting him down in the crib awake so he can put himself to sleep. We’re slowly weaning him off of his dependence on us being physically present in order to sleep. He’s doing great, and it’s a strong sign that his recovery is progressing positively. His fits of screaming have almost all but stopped, as his body and mind heals.
I walk over to the crib and place Kai down. He grabs his stuffed Dalmatian and puts it in his mouth immediately. I turn on the mobile above him so he can watch the instruments spin. I bend down and kiss him on his forehead. “Sweet dreams, little dude.” He coos and laughs, kicking his legs in the air. He starts conversing with his stuffed animal, and Garrett and I quietly leave the room.
“You lost your boot,” he observes, turning on the baby monitor and sliding it into his back pocket. We can hear Kai’s baby sounds as we walk down the stairs.
“Yes, finally,” I say and hop off the bottom step. Garrett winces, and I trot into the kitchen.
“Don’t you think you should take it easy?” he says, following me.
“It feels great!” I look out to the backyard to the pool house. I can’t wait to finally swim again.
I look over at my bag on the counter. Knowing there’s a note in there from Olivia is rattling me to the core. What could she possibly have to say to me?
“What’s wrong?” Garrett asks.
I sigh. “I have a decision to make, and I need you to help me make it.”
“Oh?” He walks toward me and places his hands on my shoulders. “The answer is yes. Always yes,” he says and softly squeezes.
“Jim is calling in the big guns. He sent Cassie to convince me to come back to work. Now that my foot is healed and Kai is perfect, I don’t think I have any excuses not to return.”
His hands fall from my shoulders. “I guess not,” he says reluctantly.
“It’s time, right?” I say and sit down at the counter. I rifle through my bag and find Olivia’s letter. I grab it and stand up. “I’m going for a swim.”
Garrett nods and walks toward the basement. “We have a recording session tonight. I’ll be downstairs if you need me.” He places his hand over his back pocket, confirming the baby monitor is there. “I’ll get Kai if he wakes up. Enjoy your swim.” He lowers his head and descends into the basement.
I know it’s going to be hard on all of us when I leave, but it’s really time. Kai is healthy. Garrett is able to care for him and Peggy is here if needed. I also have a list of nannies that I’ve been interviewing ‘just in case.’
Everything’s going to be just fine.
I enter the enclosed pool house and go right to the dressing room. I always keep at least one or two bathing suits and a change of clothes down here. I’m the only one who uses the pool anyway, so it’s like I have my own closet here.
I slip into my suit and dive into the pool. It feels great to move freely in the water, and my foot feels incredible. I’ve missed this so much.
My muscles are tired after twenty laps, and I begin to relax in the water. I flip over and float, staring through the skylights above me. The blue sky is deep and clear. I’m still panting from the swim, and I try to slow and regulate my breathing. And then I drift.
Am I ready to go back to work?
Can I pick up where I left off?
Will parents trust me with their sick babies?
Can I leave Kai?
Can I leave Garrett?
Questions without answers swirl in my head, and I need to decide what my future holds for me. I need to get back to doing what I was born to do. I have nothing left here to fix. Kai is perfect and happy. He’s on track to a healthy and normal life.
I turn in the water and swim to the edge. I see Olivia’s letter on the table and pull myself out of the pool. I wrap a towel around me, paying particular attention to dry my hands and fingers. When they’re dry, I open the envelope.
I tense as I unfold it, unsure of what I’m about to read.
Dear Samantha,
For months I’ve been at a loss for words, and now that they have finally come, I needed to contact you.
Thank you.
It must seem strange that I’m saying these words to you, but I mean them from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you.
When Benjamin was born so early, I had no hope that he would survive. He faced so many problems, and being premature was just the tip of the iceberg. His lungs were underdeveloped, his heartbeat was erratic and his brain was bleeding in more than one place. His chances were slim. Dr. Hagan was always honest with me about this. We never talked percentages, but she prepared me for the worst.
And then you arrived. You ignored the numbers. Ignored the monitors. Your care for Ben was unwavering and you did everything in your control to make sure he kept breathing for just one more day.
One more precious day.
You gave me something that I was lacking, and that was time. Every day that you cared for him, was another day that I had to see him breathe and live.
So thank you, thank you, thank you.
You allowed me to spend time with my son when he had so little of it left on this earth. It was my time with him, and you gave that gift to me.
And then it was my husband’s time.
Ben wasn’t meant to spend his days with me here. He was meant to be with his father, in Heaven.
I’m forever grateful to you, Samantha, and for the memories that you helped me create with my son.
Yours,
Olivia
I’m sobbing as I finish the letter. She’s thanking me? Forgiving me?
I drop the letter onto the pavement and slide into the water, allowing it to swallow me whole. I open my eyes underwater and see clearly to the other end of the pool. I let the air out of my lungs and I scream. The water absorbs my voice and distorts it into a garbled blur of sound. I don’t know how long I remain submerged, but when my lungs burn for air, I push myself up, gasping and breathing. The pool house is silent except for the sounds of the softly splashing waves made from my movement.
I don’t deserve her forgiveness.
Tears mix with the chlorinated water on my face, and I swim again. My arms cut through the water like sharp knives, and the muscles in my legs burn. I don’t know how many laps I do, but when I’m finished, the sun is setting. My fingertips are pruned and I’m exhausted.
I try to relax and roll onto my back, letting the water carry me through the pool.
Olivia’s letter shocked me, but it also opened my eyes. I did give her time. I did everything in my power to keep him alive for as long as possible. When Jim initially contacted me to tell me that I was no longer suspended, he told me that a new vein in Ben’s brain had started bleeding and ruptured. He was dying and we didn’t even know it. He went into heart failure and cardiac arrest. The fluid in his lungs was not from the feeding tube, but from the heart failure. I felt relief and despair at the same time. Of course, I know now that I didn’t actually kill him, but I hadn’t recognized the fact that he was already dying.
Her words ignite my desire to get back to work. It’s what I should be doing, and now I know it’s something that I have to do. Kai no longer needs me, but many other babies do.
I continue to float. I know my parents won’t answer me, but I need to ask them anyway. “Am I making the right decision?” My voice echoes in the pool house.
My heart tells me that I am.
Garrett
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 27
I WALK UPSTAIRS AFATER I MAKE SURE everything is ready for tonight. We have eight more songs to record for our album, and we’re hoping to finish at least two or three more. Our goal may be a little out of reach, especially if Tristan can’t stay focused. His ADD always brings the rest of us off the rails.
Kai’s monitor stays silent, and I’m thankful that he’s been sleeping better lately. Over the past two weeks, it’s a rare occasion when Sam or I have to go in during the night. Although she would prefer to sleep in his room, I’ve convinced her to sleep in the guest room across the hall.
I look out at the pool and see Sam slumped over on the pavement. She’s sobbing and holding a piece of paper in her hands. She drops the paper and slides into the pool, disappearing beneath the water. My gut tightens, and I rush toward the door, trying to get a better look at her. Why is she crying?
I see her emerge, and she starts furiously swimming laps. Her legs and arms are tight, and she’s flying through the water like an Olympic swimmer. She looks majestic and scary at the same time. I can feel her intensity from here. I continue to watch her until she exhausts herself. She rolls onto her back and closes her eyes and floats.
I know better than to bother her during her swimming sessions. It’s her private time. Her temporary escape from life. I watch her float to the stairs, and she rights herself. As she exits the pool, she looks calm. I turn away so she doesn’t catch me spying on her private time.
My mind races with our discussion earlier. She decided it’s time to go back to work, and I’m not ready for her to go. We need her.
I need her.
The back door opens and she walks in, her smile back.
“How was your swim?” I ask.
“Enlightening,” she says and slides an envelope into her bag.
“What’s that?” I ask, knowing I’m invading her privacy.
“A letter from Ben’s mom.”
She told me about the mishap with the baby she was caring for in the NICU who eventually died. His death was the reason she was suspended from work. They realized that she didn’t make a mistake and asked her to come back right away. She declined because Kai was so sick then. She’s ignored their requests to come back since, and officially took a leave of absence from work. I’m so thankful she did because she helped Kai and me immensely. I don’t believe he’d be where he is today without her. But I feel so guilty. Sick babies need her, and she hasn’t made a move to leave.
“Wow. That’s unexpected, huh?” I respond, and she nods.
“She thanked me.” Sam’s eyes fill with tears, and now I understand why she was sobbing before.
I pull her into my chest. She wraps her arms tightly around my waist and buries her face in my neck. Tears flow onto my skin and I hug her tighter.
“Why are you crying?” I ask, my lips grazing her ear.
“I don’t know,” she says and sniffles. She begins to calm down, but I can’t let go.
We stand toe-to-toe wrapped in each other’s arms, neither of us making an attempt to move. My breathing is in tune with hers, and I don’t want to let her go. “It’s my turn,” I whisper in her ear, letting my lips linger.
She shivers in my arms and says, “Your turn for what?”
“To thank you.”
She pushes herself away a little and looks into my eyes. “You don’t need to thank me.”
I drop my hands so they’re resting on her hips. She doesn’t move. “You saved my son. You gave him a chance at life. And you saved me.” I bring her close so our noses are touching. “Thank you,” I say against her lips. She inhales deeply and stiffens in my arms. “I’m going to kiss you now.” I promised her I’d warn her the next time I kissed her, but I still don’t give her the option to back away.
I softly place my lips on hers, pulling her tighter against my body. This time, she doesn’t push me away. She relaxes into me, leaning into my hips. She parts her lips and allows my tongue to intertwine with hers. Her fingers are linked behind my neck, and she moans quietly into my mouth. I lift her onto the bar stool and part her legs. I press myself against her and she moans again.
“Wait,” she pants against my lips. “What are we doing?”
I ignore her words and claim her mouth once again. I want her. I need her. I want to bury myself deep inside her and make her mine.
Her hands leave my neck and lightly push on my chest. She pulls away and sighs. “Wow,” she says and covers her lips with her fingers.
Her face and chest are flushed, and she looks at me with heavy eyes.
“I’m not apologizing this time. You wanted that as much as I did,” I say through a huge grin. She can’t help but blush, and her smile makes me rigid in my pants.
She nods and turns her head away, embarrassed. I place my hands on her thighs and swirl my thumbs on the insides of her legs. Her breath hitches and she squirms a little on the stool.
She throws her arms back around my neck, grabbing the back of my head. She pulls me toward her lips and this time she kisses me. Hard. Her breasts are pressed against me and her kiss is urgent. Needy.
Kai’s monitor rumbles in my back pocket with his cries.
“Shit,” she says against my lips with a smile.
“Yeah,” I say, and Kai’s crying continues. “He’s hungry. It’s time for dinner.” I’m reluctant to pull away from her. I’m rock hard and ready to explode against her. “Can you get him?” I ask. I look down between us and say, “I’m not exactly decent.”
She blushes again and kisses me lightly before she gets up. “Of course.” She slides off the stool, and I watch her walk toward the stairs. She looks over her shoulder and smiles as she sensually saunters away. I take a deep breath and try to think of anything besides being buried deep inside her.
I open the refrigerator and take out Kai’s baby food jars. I open the jar of pureed peas and inhale deeply. I gag from the smell and my hard-on deflates. Crisis averted.
I prepare his food and line it up on the counter near his high chair. Peas, rice cereal and formula. I make sure to grab a roll of paper towels because he’s a complete slob when he eats. I should never have taught him how to blow raspberries because it’s all he does with his food.
After several minutes, Sam appears with Kai, and he’s giggling and talking baby nonsense. He points to me and drools. Seeing him in her arms brings me a harsh dose of reality. Soon she’ll be gone, and the unconventional family that we’ve formed over the past six months will be no longer.
I have one goal tonight after the band leaves, and I intend to make it happen. When she moves out and goes back to work, she’s going to need a reason to come back to see us.
Tonight, I plan on giving her multiple reasons.
OUR RECORDING SESSION WAS SEMI-SUCCESSFUL. We didn’t get three tracks done, but we got two, so that’s progress. Dax and Tristan left ten minutes ago, and Heath and I are reclined on the theater chairs in the media room.
“Your songs are awesome,” I say to Heath.
“Thanks. I wasn’t sure if you guys were going to like them. The lyrics are a little more subdued than what you’re used to, but I think the bass and lead guitar bring them to the level our fans are used to.”
“I think ‘Blind Fury’ is going to be a chart-topper,” I say.
“You think?”
“Yeah, it has a chorus that just builds so powerfully. I think it may be one of our best songs yet. Just don’t tell Alex.” I smile, and he raises his beer to his lips.
“How’re things?” he asks.
It’s odd talking to Heath like this. Ever since everything went down with Sadie, he and I have this unusual bond. I’ve never really opened up to any of the guys like I have with Heath. He knows so much about my family and even my birth father. He knows more than anyone, including Sam.
“Sam’s going back to work,” I say and hang my head. “I’m not ready for her to leave.”
“You knew this day was coming, right? She couldn’t stay here forever. In fact, she should have left a month ago when Kai had his last check-up at the doctor. Remember the doctor said that all of the effects of his drug exposure have pretty much disappeared?”
He’s right. Sam and I both knew then it was only a matter of time. She said she was going to find me a nanny, and even she’s been dragging her feet. Kai no longer needs a live-in nurse. He just needs a father.
And a mother.
“I wonder how Kai is going to do without her here,” I say, and my heart pulls.
“Dude, what are you going to do without her?”
“I don’t know.” I want to have all of the answers, but I don’t. I can’t picture this house without her in it. I just know that I need her here with us. With me.
Heath sits up straight in his chair and leans forward. “Are you in love with her?”
His words take me by surprise. “What?” What kind of question is that?
“You heard me, but your expression tells me. You’re in love with her,” he states and smirks, proud of himself.
I don’t answer because I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of being right. I’ve never been in love with anyone. Ever. How do I know what I’m feeling is love? Maybe it’s just super lust. But my heart tells me otherwise. It’s been hurting since the day I realized this arrangement was going to end.
“Whatever,” I say and ignore his obvious gloating.
“Answer me this: when was the last time you got laid?” His question surprises me, but I know he already knows the answer to that too.
“I don’t remember,” I admit, because it really has been that long.
“The night before you found out about Kai,” Heath answers for me, and I nod in agreement.
“Why does it matter to you?” I ask, annoyed. “Besides, I’ve had a lot to deal with here, don’t you think?”
He shrugs and places his empty beer on the table. “Glad we got to chat, dude, but I gotta go. Same time next week?”
I stand up with him and we walk toward the stairs. “Yeah, maybe sooner if Dax can make it on Wednesday. I’ll keep you posted.”
“Keep your chin up, lover boy. Sam doesn’t live too far from here so you can see her whenever you want.” He walks out, and I lock the door behind him.
I take the stairs two at a time and rush down the hall to Kai’s room, where I’m sure Sam still is. I want to see her now. Be with her now. I can’t even think ahead to when she’s not under my roof.
I open the door quietly and hear the familiar music playing. Sam is asleep on the bed with Kai tucked in next to her. I stand over them and see my ‘family’ and want to do everything in my power to keep us together. I notice a stuffed animal that I’ve never seen before. It’s a very old stuffed dog that looks like it may have been through the washing machine several hundred times. It’s gray with the faintest pink tint to it. Kai is clutching it by the ear. I wonder where that came from.
I lift him from the bed and place him gently in his crib. He’s still grasping the dog, and I let him keep it. Then I scoop Sam into my arms. She’s limp and sound asleep. I hesitate in front of her door and then walk down the hall, carrying her into my room. This is where I want her. I gently lay her on my bed and she rolls to her side, sighing heavily. I can’t imagine how exhausted she is after her swim earlier today.
Without thinking, I strip down to my boxer briefs. I slide into bed next to her as easily as I can without disrupting her sleep. Despite what I wanted to do to her earlier, at the moment I just want her to be close. I need to feel her warmth. I drape my arm over hers and pull myself against her. She stirs slightly and then entwines her fingers with mine.
“You awake?” I whisper in her ear and she shivers in my arms.
“No,” she whispers back, and I smile.
“You let me carry you all the way in here when you could have walked?”
“I think I woke up halfway here. When you bumped my foot against the door.” She laughs quietly and I kiss the back of her neck.
She rolls onto her back, keeping our fingers locked together on top of her stomach, and turns her head to look at me, our noses only inches apart.
“Tell me about the stuffed dog,” I demand, and she looks at me questioningly.
“You mean the Dalmatian? I have no idea where that came from.”
“I gave that to him. It reminds me of one I had just like it when I was younger. The other dog, the one he’s sleeping with.”
“Googie,” she says, and I wonder what language she’s speaking.
“What?”
“It’s my Googie. I got him from my parents the day I was born. When I was old enough to talk, I called him Googie because I couldn’t say doggy. The name just stuck.”
“Googie,” I say, smiling, and kiss the tip of her nose.
She slides a little closer to me so our lips touch softly.
“Kai means everything to me, Garrett. But it’s time for me to leave.” Her eyes look apologetic.
“I know.”
“I love him. I’ve never felt this way about a baby that I’ve cared for. I’m in love with your son.” She squeezes my hand and I kiss her gently on the lips.
“You’ve gone above and beyond. Kai wouldn’t be where he is now without you.” I pause and kiss her again.
“Garrett?” she asks quietly.
“Yes?” I nuzzle into her.
“What’s happening between us?” she asks.
I don’t hesitate when I respond.
“Everything.”
