Текст книги "Epic Sins"
Автор книги: Trudy Stiles
сообщить о нарушении
Текущая страница: 9 (всего у книги 17 страниц)
I begin to rock slowly in the chair, and I’m amazed when I feel Kai relax even more. He brings his tiny hand to his mouth and begins sucking on one of his knuckles. “Is he still hungry?” I ask.
“No, that’s just something he does.” She smiles and watches him intently. “How do you feel?” she asks, her gaze traveling to me.
“Fucking terrified,” I say, and her eyes widen. I’m terrified that I’m going to do something wrong. Terrified that I’m going to hurt Kai. Terrified of being a bad father.
“It’s going to be okay,” she says, and I want to believe her.
I’m tense again, and Kai starts to stir. I feel his back arch against my hand and his entire body stiffens. “What’s happening?” I ask as I sit up straight.
Sam jumps from the bed and quickly swipes him from my arms. “Shh, shh, shh,” she whispers in his ear. She rhythmically pats his bottom as she walks back and forth across the room. His cries subside and I’m thankful. I don’t think I could listen to those piercing high-pitched screams from earlier.
I stand up and move over to the bed. I try to relax, kicking off my shoes. Sam sits in the rocking chair and cradles him in her arms.
“You don’t have to stay,” she says. “He’s going to be asleep for a few hours. Lesson number one of baby boot camp: always sleep when your baby sleeps.”
I pull the pillow from behind me and lie down on my side like I did last night. “I’ll listen to that advice and you should too.”
Her eyes look heavy, and I know she wants me to leave so she can sleep.
“Thank you,” she says softly.
I’m surprised and wonder why on earth she would be thanking me. “Why?”
“For trying. And for giving your son a chance to find his way into your heart.” She closes her eyes and adjusts the blanket over her and Kai.
I watch them intently. She looks beautiful holding my son in her arms and so peaceful as she drifts off to sleep.
She likes my eyelashes.
Kai isn’t the only one grabbing a piece of my heart.
Sam
Past
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 16
“THANK YOU, MISS WESTON. We’ll be in touch if we need anything else. I’m so sorry for your loss.” My family’s lawyer picks up the pile of papers that Aunt Peggy just signed and leaves the room.
She stands up and reaches for my hand. “Let’s go home.”
Home.
“My home is a pile of rubble, Aunt Peggy.”
That fucker blew up my parents along with himself and the kitchen. The rest of the house burned to the ground, around their charred bodies. I can’t get the image of my pregnant mother screaming for help out of my brain. My father, lying helplessly unconscious on the floor.
She’s silent as she leads me from the room.
“What am I going to do, Aunt Peggy?” I ask, not really expecting an answer. I’m an orphan at sixteen.
“I’m here, Sam, and I’m not going anywhere,” she promises as she pulls me against her.
“How can you promise that? How do you even know? They’re gone, and all it took was a second…” I question her, practically accusing her of something she would never do.
“Honey, I will do my best to make sure I stay here with you. That’s all I can do.”
WE RIDE SILENTLY BACK TO OUR HOUSE, and I rush up to the room that used to be the guest room but is now mine. A box sits on the dresser that I’ve been terrified to open. It contains everything I own. Aunt Peggy went to the house and pleaded with the investigators to take what they could from what used to be my room. They sifted through charred furniture and clothes, and this box is all I have left.
There are messages taped to the top of the dresser on yellow Post-it Notes from Cassie. She’s been leaving them on the front door, begging me to call her. My aunt has been moving them to my room to remind me to call my best friend.
I pick up the phone and dial blindly.
“Cassie?” I say when I hear her voice. The sobs come frequently and without prejudice. I sometimes go days without crying and other days I cry every five minutes. The loss is crushing and debilitating. I can’t feel anything but immense grief and sadness.
“Hey, Sam,” she says softly. “How are you?”
How can I answer that question?
I suck.
Life sucks.
My family is gone.
I’m alone.
I don’t want to feel anything anymore.
“Not good, Cass,” is all I say in response.
“Do you want some company?” she asks.
This grief is crippling, and I can’t imagine unloading it on my best friend.
“No.”
She sighs heavily and I feel bad. She wants desperately to help me through this. But nobody can. Until you feel the utter loss and destruction that I have, you just can’t understand what I’m going through.
“Okay. Call me if you need anything. I love you,” she says, and we hang up the phone.
I have nothing left to love.
The box sits on my dresser, and I lay my hands on it. Am I ready to do this? Dread fills my chest as I lift the box and carry it over to my bed. I sit down next to it tuck my feet underneath me. This small box contains the remnants of my entire life.
I pull one side open and the rest of the sides pop up. The smell of smoke and ash fills my nostrils, causing my eyes to water and my throat to burn. Am I breathing them in? Are they a part of this ash?
I know this is not true, because their bodies were found. Charred, unrecognizable. But they were found. We buried them next to each other.
The first thing I see is a shoe. It’s burned quite a bit, but I recognize it immediately. One of my Steve Madden platform flip-flops. Why the hell would someone even take this out of the rubble and ash?
I hold it in my hand and turn it around, inspecting it for further damage. Without the other one, it’s useless so I toss it across the room and a cloud of soot forms when it hits the floor.
Disgusted, I continue to pick through the contents of the box.
My old pink stuffed dog is in here. She’s just as gray as she was before this happened, but she has a coating of fine ash and dust on her. I called her Googie because I didn’t know how to say doggy when I was little. So the name stuck. My Googie.
Tears fill my eyes as I pull her to my chest. Mom told me I got her the day that I was born. I can’t believe she wasn’t incinerated in the fire. I place her gingerly on my pillow and know I’ll be snuggling with her tonight.
There’s something shiny in the box that catches my eye, and I reach in to grab it. It’s my Sweet Sixteen charm bracelet. I hold it up in front of my face, dangling it from my little finger. The single charm catches light pouring in through the window. This charm bracelet was my mother’s, and she gave it to me the morning of my sixteenth birthday. The morning she died. She was dangling it over my nose while I woke up. It’s old-fashioned but retro looking. I love it, and I love that she gave me what her mother gave to her when she turned sixteen. It miraculously doesn’t have a speck of ash on it. I open the lobster claw clasp and wrap it around my wrist. The coolness from the gold metal tingles on my skin, and I hold my wrist in the air so I can inspect the bracelet closely.
I love you, Mom.
I don’t think I can bear to go through this box anymore. This is too painful. I stand up and prepare to close the box up again when one more thing catches my eye. I reach in and pull out the familiar blue ribbon. My First Place award from the science fair in fifth grade. I feel the threads between my forefinger and thumb and rub it gently. At one time, I felt victorious holding this between my fingers. But suddenly I feel rage.
The ribbon falls from my hand and onto my pillow, and I hurl the box from my bed. It hits the floor and another cloud of soot fills the room.
My whole life in a box.
I try to regain composure. I place my head on my pillow, next to the blue ribbon and Googie. I stare up at the ceiling and let my eyes close slowly. I imagine myself, floating in our pool, just my nose and mouth exposed to the air.
Deep breaths.
In.
Out.
I inhale and exhale as if my life depends on it. Each breath slow and deliberate.
Please tell me what to do, Dad.
Can you hear me?
I need you now more than ever.
My silent voice goes unanswered.
My breaths remain even.
I feel like I’m floating.
I wish I were floating.
Garrett
Past
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Age 21
“IT’S OFFICIAL!” TRISTAN SLURS, and we all do an Alabama Slammer shot together. “You’re twenty-one!”
Bob the bartender looks at me funny and shakes his head. He’s been serving me for a few years, and he genuinely seems surprised that I was underage. He points to the rest of the band and demands their driver’s licenses. I’m the last one to turn twenty-one, so he’s in the clear.
“I could have gotten in real trouble, you assholes,” he says and angrily goes to help another customer.
Dax laughs. “There’s no way he didn’t know.”
I shrug it off and take Alex’s shot from him. “Are you going to drink this?”
He waves me off and leaves the bar.
“What’s up with him?” I ask. Dax ignores me and Tristan takes a call on his phone.
We’re getting ready to leave on our first big tour. I gather that he and Tabby are having ‘issues’ and I’m not surprised. Their relationship has been a disaster since before it even started. I shrug my shoulders and drink his shot.
My phone buzzes and my mother’s phone number pops up.
I pick it up and hear her and Bill singing “Happy Birthday” into the phone. I cringe when they attempt to hit the high notes and they finally stop. “Hey, honey,” my mom says. “Happy Birthday.”
I know she tries to make this day special for me, ever since my dad killed himself, but it’s always a huge fail. I can’t seem to find happiness on such an otherwise dark day.
“Promise you’ll come visit us when we move,” she begs. Mom and Bill are moving to North Carolina to be close to the rest of her family. They decided not to sell the house that I grew up in just in case I need a place to crash when I’m not on tour. I accept the gesture as a sign of their love for me.
“I will,” I say. I see Tristan returning from the other side of the bar with several more drinks and shots. “Hey, I gotta go.”
“Be safe and we love you.”
I hang up as soon as he slides onto the barstool next to me. “Hey there, mama’s boy,” he says, and I want to pummel him. He’s constantly making fun of me and the dozens of times a week that she calls me.
“Shut the fuck up, douchebag.”
“I can’t believe we leave for tour tomorrow. It’s crazy, isn’t it? We’re going to be huge rock stars.” Tristan throws back a shot and pushes one toward me.
“Don’t get ahead of yourself, dude. We’re popular here, but out there, who knows.” I try to ground him in reality a little bit, but he won’t stay out of the clouds.
“What time do we have to meet the bus?” I ask, scanning the room for tonight’s hook-up.
He groans. “Five thirty in the morning.”
“Shit.” I do a shot and wince. “What the hell was that?” I ask, pointing to the empty shot glass.
“I don’t know. Bob made it for us.”
That explains it.
He must have poured a dirty ashtray into the most god-awful booze he could find as revenge. I feel like I’m going to puke.
“Suck it up.” Tristan laughs and picks up his phone. “I’ve got to make a call. See you tomorrow morning, birthday boy.” He snatches his phone from the bar and trots to the door. He must be looking to get one last night in with Kirsten before he’s on the road for a while.
I don’t know how much time passes, but the place is practically empty and Bob is wiping down the bar in front of me. The house lights flick on and I squint. “Jesus, turn the lights down.”
“Last call was an hour ago, G. Time for you to get going.”
“What time is it?” I ask. Did I fall asleep in here?
“It’s just after three. C’mon, we all want to go home.”
How did so many hours go by and I didn’t even notice? There are at least eight shot glasses turned upside down in front of me, and I have my hand wrapped around a warm beer. I must have fallen asleep sitting up.
“I’m going,” I say and stand up. I walk out to the quiet city street and hail the first cab I can find. I give him an address and lean back into the seat.
“Is this it?” he asks, confused. I look out the window and see the tour bus that we’ll be riding on for the next several months.
“Yup,” I say and drop a twenty into his outstretched hand.
I walk up to the door and rap on it lightly. I hear rustling and heavy footsteps coming toward the front of the bus. The door opens, and a large man fills the doorway.
“What?” he asks, and he looks menacing.
“I’m with the band, and I’m a little early I guess.”
He steps aside and lets me up the stairs. “You Garrett?” he asks.
“Yes, how did you know?”
“I’m the driver of your bus and your security team. It’s my job to know.”
“Oh.”
“I’m Mick. Welcome aboard.”
I step onto the bus and inhale deeply. It’s brand new inside, and the smell of fresh leather hits my nose. “Most of your gear is stored below, and I’ve put some things in the back.” We had to drop all of our stuff at the studio this morning so the crew could pack everything into the bus and small truck that will be traveling with us. It feels weird walking onto my home for the next several months with just my clothes on and a wallet in my pocket.
“Cool,” I say and walk toward the bunks.
“I can take any one of these?” I gesture to the empty bunks on either side of the narrow hallway.
“Yes, or the room in the back,” Mick responds as I push open the door.
A comfortable-looking bed is in the center of a small room. “I’ll take this,” I smirk and close the door behind me.
I climb into the bed and look down at my phone. Several missed calls and texts from different girls I’ve hooked up with over the past few months. I’m sure they’re all looking to have a goodbye fuck before I leave. I wish I had the energy to entertain them all, but I’m sure this room will see a lot of action in the coming months.
I scroll through the texts and see one from my mom.
MOM: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND BE GOOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I’M SO PROUD OF YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY
I switch off my phone and tuck it under the pillow.
I close my eyes and remember a birthday party a long time ago. It must have been when I was five or six, because my birth father was there. Mom’s singing and dad’s blowing in a noisemaker. I’m smiling and blowing out candles. My vision turns dark and my father disappears. My mom and I are all alone. I’m crying and asking “Why?”
My mother is hugging me and telling me it’s going to be okay. I remember this day when I realized my father left us for good. He deserted us and forced my mother to raise me alone.
Then he killed himself years later on this same day.
I hate this fucking day.
Sam
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 24
“GO DOWNSTAIRS AND GET SOMETHING to eat. I’ve got things under control in here. Besides, you need a break. It’s your birthday, sweetheart.” Aunt Peggy settles into the chair with Kai sleeping in her arms.
I nod groggily and leave the room. My birthday isn’t a particularly happy time for me, but my aunt has helped me get through the toughest ones. It’s hard to celebrate happy times on the very day that my parents were murdered.
Garrett isn’t downstairs yet, and I wonder if he’s even here. He’s been in and out sporadically and I can tell the situation with Kai is really rattling him. Some days, he’s eager to help and try to participate in the various routines we have. Other times, he disappears for days on end. I try not to preoccupy myself with his irregular schedule, but I can’t help but wonder.
His man-whore ways have been the talk of the tabloids for a while now, and I hope his bad behavior doesn’t someday influence his son. Kai’s going to have an uphill battle as it is with the constant worry of addiction hanging over his head. His long-term caregiver, who theoretically is going to be Garrett, will need to keep a close eye on Kai to be sure he doesn’t display addictive behavior early on.
I brew a large pot of water for tea and slide onto one of the barstools. I look out the window and the sun is shining bright. What a gorgeous day. I’m suddenly jealous of all of the people enjoying their time outside. I wish I could get to the park or something, but I hesitate bringing Kai out in such bright sunlight. His eyes are very sensitive.
The doorbell rings, and I look to see if anyone is going to answer it. It rings again, and I realize that I’m the only one who can. I’m in leggings and a tank top, and I look like I just rolled out of bed.
I open the door and Cassie comes bounding in. “Happy Birthday!” she squeals and hugs me tight.
“Thanks,” I say and turn back toward the sound of the water boiling in the kitchen. “Do you want some tea?” I yawn and take out two mugs from the cabinet.
“No thank you,” she replies, and I slide one back in place.
“Okay.”
“Good thing you’re getting caffeinated because we’re going out tonight!”
I shake my head. “Yeah, right.” I haven’t left Garrett’s house in over a month. The only down time I have, I use it to swim. My aunt helps out as much as she can, but this is my job, not hers. “I can’t go anywhere, Cass. I have a job to do, remember? Kai is asleep with my aunt right now, but I’m his nurse. I can’t leave.” I pour the hot water over two large tea bags and let them steep.
“Peggy is staying the night so you can go out and enjoy yourself for a change!” she exclaims and claps her hands together.
“What?” Aunt Peggy didn’t mention this to me, and I don’t really think it’s a good idea.
“Yes. I called her on Monday, and she said she couldn’t think of a better way for you to celebrate your birthday than by going out with me. So drink that double-sized tea and get yourself in the shower. We’re going out.”
I sigh. I honestly don’t have it in me to be social with anyone.
“Can’t we just stay here?” I whine.
“Absolutely not.”
The door opens that leads to the garage and Garrett walks in. He looks disheveled, and I wonder where he’s been. I’ve been wondering about him a lot lately.
Cassie’s eyes light up and she blushes. She’s only met him once or twice since he’s usually never here. I know she’s star struck and can’t help herself. “Hi, Garrett!” she exclaims. I wrap both of my hands around the hot mug and slowly sip the tea. It’s black and strong with a tiny twist of lemon. Perfect.
“Hi, Cassie,” he says, and she’s twitching in her seat. I know she’s thrilled that he remembered her name.
“Hey, Sam,” he addresses me, and guilt sweeps across his face. “I’m sorry I wasn’t around to help out last night. I had something to do. How’s Kai?”
I tense a little, wondering what that ‘something’ was. A groupie, no doubt. I overheard a conversation the other day that Garrett was having on speakerphone in the library. The band’s publicist was lecturing him on maintaining good behavior. The tabloids and local news have been very nosy around his property, trying to figure out what’s been going on. After Sadie’s overdose, he’s been under a microscope. Miraculously, nobody has gotten wind that he has a baby. The social worker handled things discreetly, and since Sadie had no other family and few friends who knew what was going on with her, things were kept very quiet about Kai. Which is another reason I can’t be seen leaving the house with him. When we take him to his doctor and therapy appointments, we’re usually in one of the large SUVs with dark tinted windows. We always leave from the garage and don’t get out until the doors are closed. Miraculously, no one has tried to follow us because it’s Peggy who’s usually driving. I think the paparazzi assume that it’s just the housekeeper coming and going.
“He’s good. Aunt Peggy’s upstairs with him now.”
“Sam’s going out tonight,” Cassie interrupts. “It’s her birthday!”
His eyes flicker for a moment, and he walks towards me. “Happy birthday,” he says genuinely and reaches out to softly touch my arm. His touch feels nice and I sigh.
Cassie looks between us and the startled look on her face is hard to miss.
“Want to come?” she asks.
Garrett smiles. “No, thank you though.” He reaches into the refrigerator and takes out a large jug of Gatorade. He opens the top and starts to chug it right from the bottle. He must be hung-over or something.
“You totally should come,” Cassie insists, and it makes me uncomfortable.
“Sorry, I have other plans,” he says and places the Gatorade back into the refrigerator.
“Of course you do,” she stammers, embarrassed that she pressed him.
“So you’re going out tonight?” he asks me, and I flush a little.
“I keep telling her no, but she’s insisting.”
He smiles. “It is your birthday, after all. You should go out and enjoy yourself. When was the last time you even left here when it wasn’t a trip to the doctor or pharmacy?”
“It’s been a while.” I shrug.
“It’s settled, then. Enjoy yourselves.”
The doorbell chimes again and I answer it. This house hasn’t seen this much commotion since I first arrived.
I open it and see Heath’s large frame standing in front of me. This guy is so tall; it would be intimidating if you didn’t know him. He’s honestly one of the most down-to-earth members of Epic Fail. I’ve met him a couple of times, and I know he annoys Garrett when he comes by. My aunt says Heath was with Garrett the day he found out about Kai and feels connected to the little boy. It’s hard not to feel a connection to Kai. I’m already in love with him.
“Hey, Heath. Garrett’s in the kitchen.”
“Hey, Sam.”
He strides past me and addresses Garrett. “They’re expecting us by four. Are you ready?”
“What time is it?” I ask Cassie without looking at the large clock on the wall.
“Three,” she says while staring at Heath. Her jaw is about to hit the table.
“Wow.” I completely lost track of time. I honestly thought it wasn’t even lunchtime yet. Last night was a long night with Kai, and I must have really messed up my internal clock.
“I’m ready now,” Garrett says and swipes his keys from the counter.
He turns back to me and says one more time, “Happy birthday, Sam.”
The door shuts behind them, and Cassie says, “Oh my God. I think I’m in love. Heath is just…”
I laugh. “You say that every single time you meet a hot dude. How can you be in love with so many people?” I ask, joking.
“Easy.” She shrugs and slaps me on the butt. “Get ready, we’re meeting the girls for dinner, and I want to run a few errands before we go.” I haven’t seen Becky and Marcie since I was put on administrative leave. I admit it will be nice to see them again, but I’m mentally and physically exhausted. Full-time nursing doesn’t come close to the levels of exhaustion that I feel every single day. It’s like being a mom.
“I’ll be down in a half hour. Make yourself comfortable.” I slowly climb the staircase and tip-toe into Kai’s room.
“Did you know about this?” I whisper to Peggy.
She smiles and continues rocking Kai. “You need to enjoy yourself for a change. Go out. Have a good time. Kai will be here waiting for you tomorrow morning. Happy birthday,” she says and dismisses me from the room.
I take a deep breath in the hallway and duck into one of the guest rooms to shower and get ready for my date with Cassie.
I can’t believe what a turn my life has taken. Never in a million years would I ever have imagined that I’d be yearning to stay home with a child that isn’t even mine. I’ve grown so close to him and feel his every ounce of pain and suffering. I wish I could take it all away so he could be peaceful and pain-free.
I look at myself in the mirror and trace the tired lines around my eyes. I’ve aged more during the past few months than I have in all of my twenty-four years. Is this what my mother looked like at my age? She was beautiful at forty, and I doubt she looked this tired at twenty-four.
“I love you, Mom and Dad,” I whisper into the mirror.
I miss them so much.
