Текст книги "Epic Sins"
Автор книги: Trudy Stiles
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Текущая страница: 15 (всего у книги 17 страниц)
Sam
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 24
I HIT SPEED DIAL OVER AND OVER again. It goes to voicemail every single time.
“Aunt Peggy,” I cry into the phone. “Please pick up.”
I bang my hands on the steering wheel and merge onto the interstate. I don’t know where I’m going and I don’t care.
How is this happening?
Garrett’s father killed my family?
GARRETT’S FATHER KILLED MY FAMILY.
I press my foot to the floor and accelerate as fast as I can.
My cell phone rings and I look down at the Caller ID.
Garrett.
I send the call to voicemail and throw the phone into the back seat. I slam my foot to the floor and drive.
And then I scream.
My tears flow through my wails. It’s hard to see, but I keep going. I grip the wheel; my knuckles turn white. Is this my fault? If Ben hadn’t died, I wouldn’t have ever met Garrett and Kai, and things would be normal. Right? This is a sick twist of fate that I don’t deserve. I realize I’m being selfish, but who fucking cares. I don’t deserve this. I fell in love for the first time in my life with not just one person, but two. Garrett and Kai. The reel keeps playing in my head, and I fast-forward to a future vision when Kai’s a toddler, running around and playing with his father. And me. I have no right to envision what could have been. They aren’t my family. Garrett’s father took that away from me.
My sobs fill the car playing a sad, sick tune to the emptiness. Memories continue to flash through my mind as if I’m re-living every single moment. Every piercing cry from Kai’s small body. Every touch and yearning look from Garrett. All of the highs and all of the lows. We spent the better part of six months forming a support structure to help protect and nurture his son. It all came crashing down today in a burning pile of ash.
I wipe my eyes and see a highway sign.
Hershey.
I’ve been driving for at least an hour and a half. I look down at my gas gauge and see I only have about a quarter of a tank left. And I don’t have my wallet or purse with me.
Fuck.
I take the next exit and turn around. I hope I can at least make it back to my aunt’s house with what’s left in my tank of gas.
My cell phone starts ringing again from the back seat. I reach back and tap my hand around, trying to find it. I finally grab it and see the caller ID.
Garrett.
Again.
Garrett
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 27
“HERE’S DADDY.” PEGGY’S CHEERFUL VOICE echoes through the kitchen where I’m pacing back and forth. I’ve been dialing Sam’s number constantly for the past hour since she left. She won’t pick up and I’m sick.
When Peggy walks into the kitchen with Kai, she freezes in her steps. “Garrett? What’s going on?” she asks hesitantly, and she looks alarmed.
“Not now,” I say and hit Sam’s speed dial again. This time it goes right to voicemail. “Sam, it’s me. Call me, please. I need to know you’re okay. Please,” I plead and end the call.
Peggy holds Kai close and asks again, “What’s going on? Is Sam okay?”
I stop pacing and look at her. She’s terrified, and Kai senses it too.
“Peggy, something happened. I can’t even begin to explain it.”
She kisses Kai on his forehead and says to him, “It’s time for your nap. I know you’re exhausted after the fun day we had.” She turns to me, “I’ll be down soon. Don’t go anywhere.”
I continue to call Sam’s phone and can’t get through.
Before I know it, Peggy is standing in front of me. “What’s going on?”
I drop my arms down to my sides and lower my head. “Peggy, there’s something you need to know. Something I just found out.”
She sits tentatively on the stool in the kitchen and her eyes widen. “Is Sam alright?” she asks, worried.
I plant myself on the floor across from her and tell her everything. All that I’ve found out about how our families are connected. What my father did to her brother and sister-in-law, Sam’s parents. As I recount the stories that I knew growing up along with what swirled around our local news stations, her eyes become more and more drawn. Tears spill down her cheeks and I feel like I’m personally responsible for them. For what my father has done. For the lives of their family that have been destroyed.
“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say,” I say to Peggy as she stares off into space. “What can I do?” I ask.
She wipes the tears from her face and inhales deeply. Her shock is tangible.
“There’s nothing to do,” she says simply.
“What?” I ask in disbelief.
“You didn’t do this, Garrett. Your father did. You have no control over what that man did with his life. You yourself told me that the last time you laid eyes on him was when you were seven. How could you possibly know or even predict that he would murder two people at the same time he took his own life? It’s impossible. You can’t own his crimes. You can’t take the blame for his sins.”
“But Sam…” I say, hoping that she’s okay.
“Does she know?” Peggy asks, concerned.
“Yes, I figured it out an hour ago and told her. When she told me how her parents died, I realized immediately that it was my father who killed them. I had no idea, Peggy. How could I have not known?” When I found out that my father was a murderer, I shut out everything. I refused to watch anything on TV about what he did. The media was relentless, and the faces of her parents were everywhere. I shut everything out, including their names. Soon after, Epic Fail started touring and we wound up in Europe for months. Nobody knew me there and what my father had done.
She pulls me into a hug and rubs my back like my mother always did when I was younger.
“You could be asking me the same question,” Peggy says. “How could I have not known? I’ve been working for you for close to six years. I followed the story when it happened to the point of obsession. I tried to trace everything about that man and what made him tick. I tried to understand what would cause a human being to take another’s life from them. I did everything I could to unearth the mysteries surrounding your father.”
“My last name was changed when I was a teenager. My stepdad adopted me after my mother had my father’s parental rights terminated. I took the name Armstrong to make it official.”
“That explains why I couldn’t find his family when I was looking,” she says, nodding her head.
“I’m worried about Sam.”
“Me too. But one thing you need to know about her is that she rarely gets this upset. Her rational, logical mind always wins and takes over in almost all situations. She’ll be back.” But I don’t think that Peggy believes what she’s saying.
And neither do I.
Sam
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 24
“GOODNIGHT, DR. HAGAN,” I SAY as I walk out the door of the NICU. “Take care,” she says through her ever-present warm smile.
Since I’ve been back to work, my life has started to get back to normal. I think. My daily routine consists of a walk or jog, depending on my mood, a light breakfast and then an action-packed day at the hospital. So, yeah, normal.
My phone buzzes and I see a text message on the screen.
MAX: THANKS AGAIN FOR THE REFERRAL. KAI IS AMAZING AND THINGS ARE GOING REALLY WELL. TALK SOON.
I smile and place my phone into my backpack. I’m so relieved that Garrett hired Max. He was number one on my list to replace me, and it’s working out great so far. Or at least that’s what Peggy tells me.
Garrett and I haven’t spoken since I left three months ago. My heart is empty, and it still hurts. How can I possibly be with a man whose father murdered my family? Every time he looked at me, touched me, made love to me, I would think of all that was taken away. I’ve heard nothing but grief from Aunt Peggy about all of this. Our conversation last night replays in my head.
“How was work, Sam?” Aunt Peggy asks, making small-talk.
“It’s good.” I’ve been welcomed back with open arms, but it still feels weird. Walking into the NICU for the first time since the incident with Ben was surreal. It was also a crazy day with four babies admitted with varying levels of issues, so I didn’t have much time to lament and feel sorry for myself. I jumped right in and the days since have flown by. Everything is ‘normal.’
“Kai’s crawling,” she says and places a pot on the stove for tea. My heart pulls and I bow my head. I wish I could be there to see his milestones. I miss him.
“That’s awesome!” I respond, rolling the string of the tea bag between my fingers.
“He’s like a bullet, I swear. As soon as his knees hit the floor, he’s off. Max has his hands full.”
“I’m glad it’s working out so well.”
“It really is,” she says. “Oh, I forgot to mention that his occupational therapy is also ending soon. Nadia’s last day is next week.”
It’s truly amazing the strides that Kai has made. He’s come so far. My eyes tingle as tears threaten. I shake my head and sit up straight in the chair. “Please give her my best, if you see her.”
The hot water comes to a boil, and she removes the pot from the stove. After she pours us each a large cup full, she pushes a spoon across the table to me. “Sam, Garrett misses you.” She quickly realized after I left that something more was going on between the two of us. She could sense it, as much as Garrett and I tried to be discreet about the stolen kisses and longing looks. She believes that it was fate that brought us together. I don’t believe her.
Another stab in my chest and I inhale deeply. “Please, don’t,” I say as I swirl the tea bag in the hot water.
We sit silently until she speaks again. “You need to get past this. You’re acting as if Garrett killed your parents. We both know that isn’t true. That poor boy had nothing to do with the actions of his estranged father.”
I snap my head and glare at her. Doesn’t she get it? That sick fuck’s blood is running through Garrett’s veins. “We’re not having this conversation again.” I snap and push the tea away.
I feel bad the way I left her last night, but I just can’t go there right now. As much as I want to walk through his door like nothing happened, curl up next to him in his bed and wish all of this darkness to go away—I can’t.
The front door opens, and I hear commotion in the foyer. “Ba-ba!” Kai’s voice echoes through the halls. He’s here?
I rush to see him and he’s trying to wrangle from Aunt Peggy’s arms. “Kai, please give me a minute to get into the house.” She’s laughing as she drops her purse and keys on the table and then places him down on the floor.
He’s on all fours and at first hesitates. He hasn’t been here in a long time, and he seems unsure of his surroundings. He pats his hands on the floor and then looks up, sees me and darts across the floor giggling.
“Kai!” I screech and get down on my knees, arms outstretched. Giggles and drool escape his mouth, and he’s in my lap before I know it. I squeeze him tight and kiss him all over his chubby cheeks.
“What are you doing here?” I ask my aunt.
“Kai had a doctor’s appointment today, and I thought I’d stop by here before taking him home.” Her motives for bringing him are obvious, but I ignore them because I’m holding my favorite little man in my arms. I rub noses with him and he pats his hands on my face. He starts to squirm out of my arms and I place him back down on the floor and he once again takes off like a flash.
“We don’t have a child-proof house, Aunt Peggy.” I take off after him as he weaves his way through the foyer into the den. Once he’s on soft carpeting, he sits up and starts clapping. Aunt Peggy hands him some toys from her bag and he bangs them together, laughing.
“We’ll only be here for a few minutes,” she says as she brings several other bags into the kitchen. “I needed to drop off a few things.”
I sit down on the floor across the room from Kai and roll one of his balls toward him. He giggles and says, “Ba!” The ball glides toward him and he snags it, giggles and throws it up in the air. We play this game of ‘catch’ for several minutes, and he moves on, crawling through and exploring the den. I haven’t seen him since his last well-visit, which was over a month ago. He wasn’t this mobile then and it’s amazing to see him so happy and active.
“Kai, buddy, it’s time to go,” Aunt Peggy calls out. “Your Daddy’s home waiting for you.” Kai giggles and tries to scamper away while saying “Da-da!” Peggy scoops him up and I stand to walk them out. I kiss him on the cheek and brush my hand across his hair. “See you, little man.”
Aunt Peggy nods toward the kitchen. “There’s a bag for you on the counter.”
“Oh?” I ask.
She just smiles and walks out the door. “Happy Thursday.”
It hurts watching Kai leave with her, and I wish there was something more I could do. I don’t know when I’m going to see him again. I love that little boy.
There’s one canvas bag left on the counter in the kitchen, and I look at it warily. What is she up to?
I open it and see all of the ingredients needed to make pizza, and my heart tugs in my chest. Pizza Thursday. There’s a note sitting on top of the ingredients, and I recognize the handwriting immediately. Garrett.
Sam,
Can I come over tonight and help make this?
G
My head begins to spin and my chest tightens. I crumble the note and toss it into the garbage can and then put away all of the ingredients, slamming doors and drawers as I do. He can’t be serious. This is not going to happen.
I pick up my cell and hit Cassie’s speed dial. “Hey, chick,” she says, practically singing into the phone.
“I want to go out tonight,” I snap and stare at the crumbled note at the top of the garbage. “I have to go out tonight,” I state.
“What’s going on?” she asks, concern in her voice.
“Nothing. I just need a night out with my bestie. Are you in or not?”
“I’m always in. I’m on call, but let’s go out anyway. I’ll pick you up in an hour.” She hangs up, and I toss my phone onto the counter.
I have no intention of being here tonight.
Garrett
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 27
“KAI’S SOUND ASLEEP,” PEGGY SAYS as she settles on the couch in the den. Max is away on vacation, and Peggy jumped at the chance to stay and help out. She’s actually planning to spend the night tonight, hoping I’ll be successful with our plan.
“Did you see her?” I ask. She dropped by her house earlier today with Kai so Sam could spend some time with him. It’s been a while since she’s seen him, and I know Peggy takes him as much as she can. I don’t mind this at all and wish they would do it more often. Sam was such an integral part of the first six months of his life, and it would kill me to know that Kai didn’t get to see her. I know he misses her.
“I did,” Peggy responds. “She got to see Kai crawl. As soon as I put him down on the floor, he took off right into her arms. You should have seen how happy he was to see her.” The vision of this hurts more than I expect. I want my son to be happy and to be with Sam. Hell, I want to be with her. Picturing him crawling and throwing himself into her arms drives deep into my chest. It’s what should be.
“Well?” I ask, knowing I sent a note. This was all Peggy’s idea, and I’m worried it’s going to blow up in everyone’s faces. “Did she read it?”
“Oh, I don’t know. We left before she could open the bag. I’m not sure, actually.” She smirks and lifts her Kindle onto her lap. “I’m sure she’s read it by now,” she says and begins to read.
Shit.
“I can’t just show up there if she hasn’t read my note,” I say and start pacing around the room. “I haven’t seen her in three months, Peggy. I wish you had stayed long enough for her to tell you it was okay for me to come.” This was a really bad idea, and now I’m regretting even suggesting we get together.
“Relax, Garrett.” She glances at the clock. “You should head over in a few minutes, otherwise you’ll be cooking that pizza at midnight.” She grins and looks back down at her Kindle.
I huff. “This is a mistake.” I swipe my keys from the counter and head out.
When I pull up to their house, it’s dark. Sam’s car is in the driveway, but it looks like there’s nobody home. I park my car next to hers and hesitantly get out. The front porch light isn’t on, and I wonder if she’s trying to tell me something.
Fuck it.
I didn’t come all the way over here just to wonder ‘what if.’ I reach the front door and ring the bell and wait. And wait. She isn’t answering. I ring again and nothing. I knock loudly and peer through the window pane. Either she’s hiding in there or she’s not even here.
Yes, this was a mistake.
I sink down onto the front step and kick my legs out in front of me. What was I expecting? That she was going to open the door and fly into my arms? Tell me how much she missed me? Declare her undying love for me? I’m an idiot.
I pull out my phone, about to hit her speed dial, when a car pulls into the driveway. The lights flash toward me and I lift my arm up to shield my eyes. The driver’s window lowers, and Cassie’s voice screeches across the yard, “Hey, Garrett! How are you?”
I can’t see her because of the blinding lights. “I’m good,” I say and stand up. The passenger door opens and Sam emerges.
“Sam was just telling me all about Kai’s visit today. I can’t believe how big he’s getting,” she says. “Take care!” Her window closes and she backs out of the driveway, leaving Sam standing in place.
Neither of us moves for what seems like forever. She eventually takes a step toward me then stops. “What are you doing here?” she asks, and her arms fall to her sides.
“I thought—I mean, it’s Thursday, and I thought… ” Fuck.
She walks up the sidewalk, shaking her head, and pushes past me to open the front door.
“I don’t know what you thought, Garrett, but I’d rather you leave.” Her voice is cold, reminding me of the very first time we spoke. How much disdain she felt for me when she thought I was a heartless prick who wanted nothing to do with my own son.
“Can we talk?” I ask weakly. Can I hold you?
“I don’t think so,” she says and walks into the house. She leaves the door open and I don’t hesitate to follow her inside.
“I didn’t invite you in,” she says and drops her bag onto the counter. Something catches my eye at the top of the garbage can, and I see my note, crumbled.
“You got my note?” I ask, and she turns to face me.
“I did.”
“You weren’t here,” I say and take another step toward her.
“No, and I wasn’t planning on coming home this early either. I’d still be out if Cassie hadn’t been called into work.” Her tone is cutting through me, and I can’t take much more of this. I can’t stand the way she’s looking at me, with disdain. Hatred?
“Sam, I—”
“Please, don’t.” She cuts me off and leans against the counter.
“Tell me what I did wrong. Because the way I see things, I didn’t do anything, yet you shut me out.” I’m here and I want answers. The only woman I’ve ever loved is standing a few feet away from me and she’s staring at me like I’m a demon.
“I can’t do this,” she says and sighs. “Please.”
I close the distance between us and I grab her hand. She immediately flinches and jerks it away. “What did I do?” I raise my voice and she brushes past me. “Sam, I didn’t kill your parents!” I yell at her and she picks up her pace, darting for the stairs. “Talk to me, please!”
She takes off up the stairs and I hear a door slam. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I take the stairs two at a time, following the sound of her soft sobs. When I reach her door, they stop. “Garrett, I need you to leave.” She sniffles, and I rest my head against her door.
“I can’t,” I say.
“Please. Leave.” Her voice shakes, and I want to bust down this door. I need to make this right. I need her.
Moments pass, and she’s quiet and still inside her room. I place my hand on the doorknob and start to turn.
Then I stop.
I can’t force my way into her room. Into her life. Into her heart. She wants nothing to do with me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I release the doorknob and place my palm against the door. “I love you, Sam,” I whisper and slowly back away. Down the stairs. Into my car.
I love you, Sam.
Garrett
Present
Three Months Later
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 27
“I THINK WE’RE ABOUT READY to send this to the label,” Dax says and pushes himself back in the chair. “It sounds amazing.”
Tristan and Heath nod in agreement and they fist bump each other.
“It’s one of our best albums yet,” Dax interjects.
A lot of heart and pieces of each of our souls have been injected into this album. I’m not quite sure any of us will ever be the same again.
My cell phone dings, and I have another text message waiting for me. I swipe to see Kai’s huge smile filling my screen.
“Your nanny documents everything that boy does.” Heath grabs my phone from me so he can see him too. He scrolls through the two dozen pictures that Max sent to me since breakfast.
“You mean his manny!” Tristan laughs hysterically. He still can’t believe that I hired a guy to watch my son, and I explain that it wasn’t all my doing. Sam was the one who got the ball rolling with Max, and it worked out perfectly.
Heath tosses my phone back to me. “Another picture just came in. Dude, he’s walking.” I quickly look down to see a picture of Kai standing with his hands stretched out in the air. He had a huge, wide-mouthed smile that I can practically hear his happy screeches from.
“Are we done?” I ask, anxious to get upstairs to witness this huge milestone.
“We’re all set,” Dax says, and I don’t wait for him to retract his statement.
I bound up the basement stairs and then up the back staircase that leads to the second floor. I hear belly laughs coming from his room, and I open the door.
“Da-da!” he says as soon as he sees me, and he tries to take a step toward me. He falls onto his outstretched hands and pushes himself back onto his feet. He does this again three more times before he’s able to take several steps, practically leaping into my arms.
“Hey, buddy,” I say as I shower him with kisses.
“Da-da!” he screeches again and Max chuckles.
“I couldn’t believe it, Mr. Armstrong. He was table surfing all day today, and suddenly he let go. Once he realized he could balance, he just took off. It was amazing.”
I take out my phone so I can document this with proper video. My parents are going to be amazed by this as well, and I can’t wait to send it to them.
“Hey, you should get going,” I say to Max, noticing the time. “Thanks for staying late today so we could finish up downstairs.”
“No problem,” he says and walks past us and out the door.
“Bye-bye,” Kai says, and Max backs up to high-five him. Kai giggles and claps his hands.
Although Max was originally hired to be a live-in nanny, I decided that for the time being, I would do this on my own. He usually stays overnight once a week so I can do some late-night editing in the studio.
I haven’t heard from Sam since Pizza Thursday almost three months ago. I haven’t been able to even eat pizza since. Peggy keeps me posted on her, though. She’s been pulling double shifts for months, and that tips me off that she’s trying to hide away. Although Peggy says she’s been enjoying her time with her friends, I don’t believe her. The girl I saw that night was distant. Cold. I’m worried about her.
My heart sinks knowing that Sam isn’t a daily fixture in Kai’s life anymore. Or mine. She was such an important part of his life for so long and the only mother figure he’s ever known. It would kill me to not allow her to see him and continue to be a part of his life.
I yearn for what the three of us finally found together. We formed a family that was destroyed by an ugly truth. A truth we found out about by accident. A truth destroyed by my father.
I need to breathe her air.
Feel her touch.
Consume her fully.
We need her back.
