Текст книги "A Song for Us"

Автор книги: Teresa Mummert

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Текущая страница: 9 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

Chapter Twenty-One

ERIC

I LAY AWAKE FOR hours as I thought about Sarah. I wanted so desperately for her to stay with me. It was almost worse that I was finally able to touch her and have her want this as badly as I did, only to have her walk out of the door . . . for him.

I was sickened as I thought of him being able to sleep beside her, to hold her, and I was forced to pretend that I wasn’t feeling as if my entire world were imploding.

I wanted her and wanted to forget her at the same time. Her song lyrics played over and over in my head, torturing me. Karma was perpetually punishing me for not saving my brother from that car. Everything in my life fell apart after that day and I had stopped caring.

“I just spent three hours on the phone with your coach.”

I sat up on my bed and pulled off my headphones, trying to hide that I was high from my dad.

“You have screwed up your entire life. I hope you’re happy.”

I rolled my eyes and lay back against my pillow. “Yeah, I’m fucking ecstatic.”

“What the hell did you just say to me, boy?” he yelled, and my mother was at his side, latching onto his arm to hold him in place.

I pushed to my feet, puffing out my own chest to meet his as I looked him in the eye. “You don’t scare me, old man. You’re just jealous I was better than you ever were.”

“Better? You got kicked off the damn team! You won’t ever get into college now.”

“At least I made the team,” I smirked, feeling no fear.

“Eric! Don’t you dare talk to your father that way!” my mother screamed, and my father’s fist connected with the side of my face.

I stumbled, but I was younger and stronger. I took another step closer to him so we were chest to chest. “You want to kick my ass? Take another swing, asshole. I will lay you out.”

His eyes widened and he shoved against my chest. I wrapped an arm around his and shoved back, sending us tumbling to the floor. My mom screamed and jumped out of the way as we rolled around together exchanging blows. By the time she got us separated, my lip was bloodied and my dad’s eye was swelling and turning purple. I smiled, happy he would finally wear a badge of abuse from me.

“Eric, look what you did!” My mom grabbed his face and inspected the damage.

I touched my lip, pulling back my fingers and examining the smeared blood. “Yeah, it’s all my fault. It’s always my fault.”

“I want you out of my house,” my dad shouted, struggling to catch his breath.

“It’s my house, too,” I yelled back as my eyes met my mother’s, but she looked to the ground and all I could do was nod.

My dad took a step closer to me, his cold eyes locked onto mine. “The wrong son died that day.”

It hurt worse than any physical blow, and I almost buckled at the pain that ripped through my heart. It was one thing to think it about myself, but to hear my own father say it killed me inside.

“Fuck you both,” I spat angrily as I shoved by him and out the door.

I gave up on trying to get some sleep as the sun rose outside my window. I moved around my room, getting ready for the day. I felt empty and spinning out of control. I wanted to see her, to look her in the eye and know that last night had really happened. That the look in her eyes and the love in her voice as she sang to me were real.

I had no reason to knock on her door and it would only raise suspicion in Derek, not that I would mind seeing the look on his face as I pulled Sarah into my arms and pressed my lips against hers.

I stepped out of my hotel room and walked down the hallway, feeling as if I were walking to my execution. I glanced to her door, knowing she was just on the other side, curled up in his arms. I forced my feet to keep moving until I reached Donna’s door.

She answered after my second knock, wearing a silky, pink robe that fell midthigh. She stepped back to let me in without saying a word, her smile faltering as she saw my expression. I didn’t know what I was doing here. Given the way everything had changed between Donna and me, I knew I couldn’t talk to her about Sarah, but I couldn’t be alone, either. I didn’t trust myself.

“What’s wrong?” She closed the door and wrapped her arms around her waist.

“I think I need to leave, get away for a while.” I leaned back against the kitchen counter as I stared at the floor between us. She took a step closer but stopped as she looked me over.

“Is this because of me?”

“No.” I shook my head. “This is because of me. I just need to spend some time . . . alone.” All I did was fuck up everyone’s life that I came in contact with. I was meant to be on my own.

She nodded, but didn’t respond.

“I feel like I’m losing myself.”

“E . . . I’m sorry I kissed you. I know it wasn’t the right thing to do. I’m your manager, your friend . . . I shouldn’t let things get so complicated.”

I took a step forward and wrapped my arms around her body. “Don’t. You don’t need to apologize.” I rested my chin on top of her head as I closed my eyes. “You are one of my closest friends.” I pulled back, placing a hand on either side of her face as I looked her in the eye. “I can’t lose you.” I pressed my lips to her forehead as she sighed, and her hands came up to wrap around mine.

“I’m not going anywhere, E. And neither are you. I won’t let you leave. You don’t run away from your problems.”

I smiled down at her. I wanted to tell her how wrong she was. Running is exactly what I did. I’ve been running most of my life.

“It’s gotten too hard.” I shook my head.

“That’s what she said.” A proud smile spread across her face.

I let out a genuine laugh as I pulled her in for another hug, rubbing my hand over her back. “That is why I love you.” My laugh died in my throat as her body stiffened from my words. I silently cursed myself as I gave her a squeeze and took a step back. I shouldn’t have used that word with Donna, especially given what I meant by it. I knew her trust issues ran deep, and I was only going to make things between us more complicated. I loved her as a friend, deeply, but that would never be what she needed or wanted.

I ran my hand over my messy hair as I watched her. “Let’s get out of this hotel and go do something normal.”

Her smile returned and she nodded before slipping into her bathroom to change her clothes. I sat on the edge of her bed, leaning on my knees as I waited for her to come out.

She emerged a few minutes later in jeans and a white tank top, her hair pulled back in a ponytail. “Where are we going?” she asked with a smile.

“Wherever you want.” I pushed to my feet and walked over to the door, opening it for her. She stepped out and stopped as our eyes landed on Terry and Chris, who were in the hall chatting animatedly about the strippers from last night.

“Where are you two off to?” Chris asked playfully. I rolled my eyes and looked to Donna.

“Um . . . I was thinking about the zoo.” She glanced back at me to see if I approved.

“Sounds good to me.” I nodded at Terry as I continued by toward the elevator with Donna in front of me.

“Enjoy your date,” Terry called after us, and I stuck my middle finger in the air as the elevator doors opened and we slipped inside.

I leaned against the back wall as I shoved my hands in my pockets.

“I didn’t think it was a date,” she said nervously.

I couldn’t help but smile. “Call it what you want. Those guys are just assholes. Don’t let them get to you.” The doors opened and we stepped out into the lobby. I placed my arm over her shoulders as we stepped out into the entirely too bright world. I flagged down a cab that quickly pulled along the curb for us. I opened the door and made a sweeping gesture for her to get in.

“Lockwood Zoo,” I told the cabdriver as he pulled out into traffic as I relaxed against the seat.

“You have fun last night?” Donna asked, and I could feel her eyes on me.

I nodded and looked out the window as I cleared my throat. I didn’t want to talk about last night, about how I had managed to spend some alone time with Sarah. It just didn’t feel right to bring it up to her anymore, and it was too painful to think about. The line between friendship and relationship had become blurry with Donna. I knew she was trusting me more, but my heart belonged to only one person.

“You?” I asked, still not looking at her.

“It was fun. Nice to spend some time without a bunch of drunk guys around.” She giggled.

“That what I am to you?” I put my hand over my heart, pretending to be offended.

“You know what I mean.” She rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, I get it. That’s why I want to get away. Step outside this box we live in.”

“You ever think of what you would be doing if you weren’t in the band?”

“I, uh . . . I think I would have made a good soldier.” I glanced over at Donna, whose mouth was open. “What? You don’t think I could do it?”

“I can’t picture you taking orders from anyone.” She shook her head, clearly amused.

“You want to do what?” My father was clearly not amused.

“The army would be good for me. There is nothing wrong with fighting for your country.”

“How do expect to do that, Eric? You think they let any screwup with a record in?” He flipped the page of his newspaper, not even bothering to look up at me.

“I can explain what happened. I’m a minor. In a few months I’ll be an adult and I can go off to basic. It would get me out of here.”

I hated how much it bothered me that they wanted me gone, but I hoped it would be a good selling point.

“You would just screw that up, too. The army is for men, not boys.”

“Maybe if my father took the time to teach me how to be a man, I wouldn’t be such a fucking disappointment!” The air left my lungs as my father’s eyes locked on to mine.

“What did you say to me? You think you can screw up your life and blame it on me?” He pushed up from his chair, the newspaper falling to the ground. I widened my stance and braced myself for the inevitable blow to come. It was too late to back down now.

“Not everything is my fault.” I yelled, hoping my voice sounded confident. “I want to be a good person. If I could join, I could make you proud.”

“It’s too late for that,” he said with a sneer and turned to leave me standing alone, ready for a fight.

I shook the memory from my mind and tucked my arm behind my head as my lack of sleep began to hit me. “Yeah, I guess I would have a little trouble with that.” I loved how easy our conversations were. I didn’t have to try with Donna, we could just hang out, and we got each other.

We pulled into the zoo parking lot and I thanked the driver and paid him the fare. I slipped out onto the sidewalk and stretched as I waited for Donna to join me.

“I haven’t been to a zoo in years.” She was beaming from ear to ear as her eyes danced over the entrance.

“I can’t ever remember being to one.” I pushed the thought of my childhood into the back of my mind.

“Even better. New memories.” She looped her arm in mine and pulled me toward the ticket counter.

We made our way down the bamboo-lined paths as I held her hand in mine.

“ ‘They are pink because of what they eat,’ ” Donna said, reading the sign to the flamingo exhibit. “So glad humans aren’t that way.”

I pulled her into my side and lightly kissed the top of her head. “You’d be adorable pink,” I joked, and she rolled her eyes. The carefree Donna that usually only emerged when she had a few drinks was out to play, and I loved that she felt so comfortable around me right now. Everything suddenly felt so normal, for the first time since . . . since I could remember.

“Be thankful. I don’t even want to think of what color you would be because you’re so full of shit,” she joked.

I hugged her tightly into my side as I laughed. “Jesus, you’ve been hanging around the guys too long.”

“It’s nice being just the two of us.”

I was taken aback by her comment but it was the truth. It was easier. Being around her took away the stress that had been piling up since Sarah had showed up at the wedding.

As we made our way to the macaws, she laughed as I flapped my arms trying to get them to mimic my movements. “You don’t strike me as a bird guy.”

“No? I could be a bird guy,” I said as I looked over at her, unable to hide my content smile. Donna was like a bird. She was quick to take off if anyone got too close. Everything was a danger to her, but for some reason she trusted me and I didn’t take that lightly.

Chapter Twenty-Two

SARAH

I COULDN’T EAT AS I stared across the table at the twins. Derek was beside me, his hand resting on my thigh. I wanted to move away from him but I already felt guilty enough. I tried to convince myself that all I had done was hug E, but I knew it was more than that, at least to me.

“What do you want to do today, babe?” Derek asked.

All eyes fell to me as I dropped a cherry tomato back on my plate and shrugged. My eyes danced over the twins and I didn’t like the way they were looking at me, so I dropped my gaze to my plate.

“I heard there was a badass movie that just came out. Zombie something or some shit.” Terry reached across the table and grabbed my pickle, shoving the whole damn thing in his mouth.

“Why don’t you just shoot me instead,” I grumbled.

“Great idea! Paintball!” Chris yelled, and Derek laughed.

All I wanted to know was were E had gone with Donna. It was killing me to think he was out somewhere on a date after what had happened last night. I knew that made me a hypocrite, but it hurt just the same.

“The zoo,” Terry said. His eyes met mine and he gave a small nod. Could he have known I was wondering where E was? It was as if he were reading my thoughts, which hardly seemed possible when none of these guys had thoughts of their own.

“Maybe I should just stay in and write.” I suddenly remembered that I had left my song and guitar in E’s room. The thought of having to face him again thrilled and terrified me. I entertained the idea of just letting him keep it. I could use a new guitar. Mine was old.

“How is it possible for you to be this boring?” Chris asked with a straight face.

I picked up the cherry tomato and tossed it at his head. My insides were tied in knots and it was almost painful to hold a normal conversation. Derek leaned back and put his arm across the seat behind me.

“Maybe we should stay in.” He leaned in, rubbing his nose against my cheek as his other hand crept up my thigh, and I knew his hand was only a thin piece of fabric from my newest scar, on my leg. It angered me that he had never questioned how it had gotten there. Maybe he knew, maybe he just didn’t care.

“How far is the zoo?” As soon as the question left my lips, the twins smirked and I felt ashamed.

“I’ll call Tuck,” Chris said as he leaned to his side and pulled his cell from his pocket.

Ten minutes later we were in separate cabs and on our way. Derek was still running his hands over me as much as possible, despite that Terry was sitting on the other side of me. He glanced down at Derek’s hand on my leg.

“Don’t let me stop you, you fucking perv.”

Derek groaned and relaxed in his seat and I finally let the tension leave my muscles. How was Derek so oblivious to my aversion to being touched?

The cab ride couldn’t be over fast enough. I wasn’t even sure E was at the zoo, but anything would be a welcome distraction from all of this. My skin felt as if it were crawling and I forced the thought of releasing my pain from my mind.

As we pulled up out front, we all got out of our cabs. Cass made her way to my side and we headed over to the ticket counter.

It was unbearably hot out, but the bamboo that lined the paths offered enough shade to keep us all from passing out.

“I want to see the monkeys.” Cass was excited and tugging on Tuck’s arm.

“We brought the monkeys with us,” I joked, and rolled my eyes as Chris grabbed his crotch.

Tucker smiled down at Cass, his fingers trailing over her jaw as he kissed her on the lips.

My heart sank. I stared off at the animal enclosures, feeling that in this moment I could relate to them much better than I could to my best friend.

“I miss not having you around,” Cass said as the guys walked off a few feet and we wandered toward the spider monkey enclosure.

“Maybe we will tour together again.” I shrugged.

“You think Derek would be okay with that?” Cass cocked her eyebrow.

I turned toward the animals. “Who knows?” My voice trailed off and Cass didn’t press the issue.

“You want a snow cone?” Derek asked, and I nodded. He pulled his wallet from his pocket as he strolled over to the Snack Barn. I watched a woman pull her son to her side as she eyed Derek’s tattoos.

“He seems to be playing nice,” Cass’s voice broke through my thoughts.

“Too little too late,” I sighed, but immediately felt like an asshole. “I’m glad he is trying.”

She nodded but didn’t reply as Tuck put his arms around her waist from behind and whispered something in her ear. She nodded and he kissed her on the cheek before following after Derek.

“I miss this. Ever since the tour ended, things have been so . . . different.”

“You missing some of us more than others?” Cass’s eyebrow was cocked.

I shook my head with a laugh. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You know what is amazing about you?” I honestly had no clue. “When I needed someone to talk to about . . . the past, you went out of your way to become my friend and to help me find a way to work through everything I was feeling. Without writing, I don’t know what I would do.”

“I am pretty awesome, aren’t I?” I laughed.

Cass smiled, shaking her head. “You’re an awesome friend. I want to be able to be there for you, too. You can talk to me about . . . anything that is going on, ya know?”

“Are we going to talk about periods and braid each other’s hair?” I joked.

Cass made a face. “Don’t act like you don’t like doing my hair,” she shot back playfully. “And as for the period thing . . . I kind of haven’t had mine for a while.”

“What? How long is a while?”

 “You can’t say anything until I am sure everything is okay. After everything that happened before . . .” She looked to the ground.

“How long?”

“It’s been a month. I was freaked out. I wouldn’t even take a test for the longest time because I was scared.”

“But you took one? What did it say?” I was practically bouncing up and down.

Cass placed her finger over her lips to remind me to be quiet. She leaned in and her lips quirked into a smile. “It was positive.”

I squealed and she smacked my arm. “Sorry! I can’t help it. A little baby? I am so happy for you guys.”

“You are the only one who knows for now. I want to make sure everything is all right before I say anything. I’m not sure Tucker could handle another loss.”

“I promise I won’t say anything, but you need to tell him soon, Cass. If something happened, he needs to be there for you.”

“I will. I am just trying to find the right moment. Now you know my secret, so spill yours.”

“I just don’t know where to even begin. Everything is a mess. Derek is being amazing to me and we are finally in a good place.”

“But?”

“But I . . . I think I’m falling for E.” I worried my lip as I waited for her to tell me I was a bad person, but I knew she wouldn’t. Cass never judged because she knew what it was like to be looked down on just because of where she came from. She knew what it was like to feel broken, torn, confused.

“I was there. I get it. You can’t help who you have feelings for, but you need to decide who it is you want. Take it from me. You don’t want things to blow up in your face, and it is no secret the way you guys look at each other. If we can see it, so can Derek.” Cass leaned against the fencing around the animal cage.

Derek and Tuck made their way back over to us with snow cones in hand.

“Thank you.” I took a cone from Derek’s hand and he leaned in, giving me a quick kiss, leaving the lingering taste of blueberries on my lips.

“You taste better than the snow cone,” he whispered against my lips.

Chapter Twenty-Three

ERIC

DONNA HAD SOMEHOW succeeded in keeping my mind off Sarah for the most part. Usually the only activity that could keep my mind off the heavy stuff was performing with the band. I missed the stage and couldn’t wait to get up there again. The loud music drowned out my thoughts, and the longer we stayed off tour, the deeper I slipped back into my old self, unable to pull my thoughts from my past.

“Oh my God! Are you Tucker White?” I heard a female call from the next path over. I grabbed Donna’s hand and pulled her around the corner, my throat suddenly closing as I watched Derek kiss Sarah.

Cass’s eyes found mine and regret washed over her face as Tucker signed a piece of paper for the teenage girl in front of him.

“Hey,” Donna called out, and everyone turned to us. Donna held my hand tightly and stepped toward them, forcing me to go along.

“What the hell are you guys doing here?” I asked, trying not to sound irritated.

Chris pointed to Terry, who held up his hands in mock surrender and shook his head. I could only nod and run my free hand through my hair angrily.

My whole body ached as I forced myself not to go to Sarah and pull her away from Derek. I wanted to press my lips against hers so hard she forgot her own name. I could see her struggle to keep a smile on her face and it killed me inside.

“Where to?” Cass asked as she turned to Tucker.

He looked to me and I gave a quick nod, letting him know I was okay. “That way.” He pointed to a path off to the left that had a sign reading ELEPHANTS at the entrance. We all began to walk as I let Donna’s fingers slip from mine. It didn’t feel right holding on to her and wishing it were someone else.

A woman was standing on a crate just outside the elephant enclosure, and a crowd had gathered around her in a semicircle as she spouted off facts. We all gathered close and Sarah’s body was in front of mine. I stepped up beside her, Derek on her left and Donna on my right. A fucking love triangle.

I didn’t take in anything that the woman said as I relived the night before over and over in my head. I felt Sarah’s eyes on me and I suppressed a smile. Her eyes went forward and the back of her hand brushed against mine. I looped my pinkie in hers and tried my damnedest to focus ahead. I knew it was wrong and I would only end up hurting her, but I couldn’t resist. If she was smart, she would pull away, but she didn’t and I knew she was feeling the electricity that shot between us where our bodies connected. If anyone saw us, there would be no stopping the fight that would ensue, but I didn’t give a fuck. I couldn’t see anything but Sarah anymore.

I couldn’t get enough of her. Every touch, every glance, was a high that I never wanted to come down from. My fingers brushed along her hip as we watched the macaws flap their wings and spout random phrases. Her chest brushed against my back as we looked in at the Galápagos tortoises. Her eyes locked onto my lips as we stood in front of the giraffe enclosure, and I closed my eyes as I pictured her body straddling mine as her sweet breath blew over my mouth. I opened my eyes and her chest was rising and falling quickly as her tongue ran over her lower lip. She was thinking the same thing I was. I was dying to get her alone, even for a second, so I could touch her. When we stood in front of the lion exhibit, I finally saw my chance.

“You want to ride the train?” I asked Donna, glancing over her shoulder to Sarah.

“Yeah, sounds fun.” Donna smiled and I put my arm around her waist as we walked toward the small station. I leaned over the railing as we waited for the next ride, hating where my head was going. I didn’t want to share Sarah, I didn’t want to be her second choice, but my body wouldn’t let me say no to her. The heartbreak I was going to suffer from this would kill me, but I welcomed death if I got to spend even another minute alone with Sarah.

The train pulled under the small wooden roof and we all filed into our seats. I walked by Sarah and Derek, my eyes on the ground as I guided Donna into the row directly behind them.

We pulled out and Sarah’s hair blew back toward me, the smell of her fruity shampoo in the air. I stared out the side as we wound our way around the zoo and finally came up on the tunnel that ran behind the lion cages. My heart pounded in my chest as I watched the engine disappear into the blackness. As soon as our car was in the dark I leaned forward, sliding my hand along Sarah’s neck and turning her head so I could press my mouth against her cheek. Her quiet gasp was swallowed by the echoing of the train engine off the tunnel walls.

Even with everyone else around us, it felt as if we were in our own private world. My fingers slid down over her throat before I shoved myself back against my seat and we were thrust into daylight once again. I could still feel the rhythm of her heartbeat in my fingertips, like a beat to a song that was only ours.

There was no more fighting it. I wanted her more than I wanted my next breath, and I couldn’t stay away even if it slowly killed me inside. It was worth the pain to be able to be close to her.

I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face for the rest of our time at the zoo. When we finally left and decided to go out to get dinner, I was even making small talk with Derek, even though it turned my stomach to see him sitting next to her. I understood why he would want me to stay away. She was irresistible and he never deserved her. No one did.

I pressed my foot against hers as I sat across from her at the table, craving to be closer to her. Derek rambled on and on about my missing out at the strip club last night, and I couldn’t help but shake my head. Not only was he pissing off Sarah, but he couldn’t imagine how great a time I had without them. My feelings were tearing me in two—my heart went out to Sarah, but selfishly I relished every second that Derek was digging himself deeper into a hole.

I dipped a fry in mayonnaise and shoved it in my mouth as I absentmindedly began to hum the song we were making together last night. I tried not to be affected by her knowing smile but my heart stuttered.

“I like that,” Donna said as she stole one of my fries. “That a new song?”

I shook my head and took a drink of my soda. “Just something stuck in my head.” I glanced up as I grabbed another fry.

“Who is looking for a little fun tonight?” Terry asked as he rubbed his hands together. The women collectively groaned in disgust and I laughed. “That’s not what I meant.” He shook his head as we all waited for him to elaborate. “Beatfest is tonight and it is only about an hour from here. I have been looking forward to this all week.”

“This is going to be epic.” Tucker crumbled up his napkin and tossed it on his plate.

Cass shrugged as her eyes wandered around the table.

“I’m up for it,” I added as I finished my burger, and Sarah’s foot moved against mine.

“I’ll hook up transportation. Donna, you think we could get a limo on this short notice?” Tuck asked as the waitress came over and dropped off the check.

“It shouldn’t be that hard,” Donna spoke up.

“That’s what she said!” Cass laughed, and I tossed a fry at her and shook my head.