Текст книги "A Song for Us"

Автор книги: Teresa Mummert

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Текущая страница: 11 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

Chapter Twenty-Eight

SARAH

IT HURT LIKE hell to look E in the eye and tell him that it was never going to happen with us. He deserved so much better than I could ever give him. I was a broken mess, too damaged for anyone to take on.

It was better this way.

I was thankful Derek never questioned my crazy mood swings or pushed me to open up more about my past, although it made me feel alone even when I was by his side. At times I wanted to speak up and explain why I was feeling the way I was, but I didn’t know what I would do with myself if Derek didn’t want me anymore and I was left by myself. After we went to Texas, things would only get better for us.

I squeezed Derek’s hand as I watched his profile. He was cheering for the band and I couldn’t help but smile at how excited he got over music. It had always been an escape for me.

“They’re good,” I shouted over the crowd.

Derek’s eyes met mine. “We’re better.” He smirked as he pulled my hand to his mouth and kissed it. I smiled up at him, and he turned to face me. He breathed deeply, as if about to say something important. “Okay, now, don’t get mad.”

My first reaction was to narrow my eyes and prepare for him to break my heart, but what he said next nearly knocked me off my feet.

“I bought tickets the other day. To Texas. We leave the day after tomorrow.”

I stood frozen. I was relieved that he was serious about us, but then the anger started to set in. “How did you know I was going to say yes?”

“Why wouldn’t you?” His eyes narrowed.

I felt like an asshole. “I mean, leaving early. You know how much I’ve missed Cass. This may be the last chance to spend time with her for months.”

He sighed as if he had expected me to say something else. “We need to focus on us now.” His hand slid over the side of my neck as he leaned in closer. “I love you, Sarah. I thought you loved me, too.”

“I do love you, but . . .”

“But nothing. Either you want to be with me or you can fucking leave,” he snapped, and I pulled back from him, shocked by his sudden change in attitude. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” He ran his hands roughly through his long, dark hair.

“I’m not leaving.” I could feel the tears forming in my eyes.

“Good.” He stepped toward me again with a smirk on his face, but I took a step back to keep distance between us.

“No. I mean I am not leaving my friend early.” I crossed my arms over my chest.

“Fine.” His face was nearly touching mine and anger radiated off him. “Then I am leaving.” Derek took off through the crowd and I called after him, but he never stopped and my pleas were drowned out by the music.

I hung my head, not sure how everything went from cloud nine to a disaster so quickly. I wanted to chase after him and tell him I was sorry, but I couldn’t move.

“You okay?” Cass asked, placing her hand on my back. I didn’t turn to look at her. I didn’t want to ruin this time for everyone else. I nodded and tried my best to put a smile on my face. “It looked like you were fighting.”

“We’re fine.” I tried to sound cheery, but I knew my voice gave me away. “He just . . . wasn’t feeling well.”

“Did he leave without you?”

“Well . . . it’s not like I’m alone or anything.” I tried to play it off as if it were no big deal, but she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me in for a hug, and I couldn’t stop a tear from falling on her shoulder.

“Come on.” She pulled me toward Tucker, and I realized that everyone was watching me and I froze, pulling out of her grasp.

“Actually, I think I need a drink.”

She looked at me, unsure, but nodded and let her hand fall. I wanted to run, run to Derek, run from him.

As I turned to walk away, I heard a girl scream Tucker’s name. Cass grabbed my arm to keep us from getting separated as the people around us began to chant his name over and over, growing louder and louder. “Tuck-er! Tuck-er!”

“This could get really ugly if we don’t get out of this crowd,” she said wearily as E’s arm came around my waist. It didn’t matter what was going on, he always put me first.

“You guys wanna play?” Tuck’s eyes moved between us, and I glanced up at E.

“If Sarah plays.”

A knowing smile spread across Tuck’s lips, and he nodded once and turned to pull Cass from the crowd. E and I followed with the twins at our sides.

As we reached security at the side of the stage, they stopped us. “You have to have a pass to get back here,” the man said with his hand up in front of Tucker’s chest.

“Tuck?” a voice called from behind the man, and Danny Demon, the lead singer of Crash and Burn, came over to embrace Tucker in a hug. I grew up listening to their music and it was surreal to see him standing before us in the flesh. If I wanted to, I could reach out and touch his green Mohawk . . . I had to hold back from doing so.

“You doing next year’s Music Awards? That was dope. Heard about the proposal. Congrats, man,” Danny said with a slight Irish accent.

“It’s been a minute, man. How you been?”

“Just livin’, man. Tiny, let them back. They’re my friends and the crowd is about to rip them apart.”

The security guard sighed and rolled his eyes but stepped out of the way for us to get behind the stage. Once we were out of the crowd I began to relax in E’s arm, but he did not let me go.

“Who’s up next?” Tuck asked as Danny walked ahead of us.

“We’re up in ten. You guys looking to perform?”

Tucker nodded, and Danny grinned from ear to ear. E dropped his hold on my waist and spoke directly into Tucker’s ear.

“Not exactly how you pictured your honeymoon, huh?” I gave Cass a half smile.

“It’s fine. Nothing really compares to seeing Tucker up on-stage, and as long as we’re not on that stupid tour bus, I can deal with it.”

Tucker’s arm went over Cass’s shoulders, and he pressed a kiss to her temple and then asked me, “You good with a duet for ‘Loved’?”

I nodded but my nerves were on edge. I had never performed without Derek, and he was nowhere to be found.

We stood by the stairs to the stage as Danny Demon introduced us, and the reaction of the crowd caught me off guard. It was hard to see outside the bubble we were in while touring and spending all of our time on buses. The crowd was deafening, and it was the first time I realized how big Damaged had grown. It was a high unlike anything else I had ever experienced.

As the opening notes to the song began to play, the crowd quieted and my nerves dissipated. The music pulsed through the speakers around us and I could feel it vibrating through my body. It became its own living creature and we were wrapped inside it. The stage was my home. It was where I felt safe and one of the only places I could always count on to let my walls down.

I closed my eyes as I sang along, wishing I never had to leave the stage.

In a crowded room, you’re all I see.

So thought consumed, baby let it be . . .

The past can haunt, but it cannot touch.

You’ve given your all and loved too much.

Take my hand, let me lead . . .

You’re loved too, baby, and you belong with me . . .

None of my problems mattered, none of my secrets were hidden. I could let everything out and people wouldn’t judge me. I had heard Tucker sing this song a thousand times, but never truly understood how much pain went into it until the words came from my own lips. It was about watching someone you loved being hurt by someone else and vowing to be there when everything crashed down for the person. I knew why it meant so much for Tuck, and now it meant something for me.

As the song came to an end, I smiled out at the never-ending sea of people before turning to follow the twins offstage, on cloud nine from my music therapy, but a hand grabbed my arm to stop me. I turned to look up at E, and my heart beat out of my chest and everyone faded to black around us.

“We have to sing our song,” he said with a grin. I halfheartedly pulled against his grip as I shook my head, unable to keep the smile from my face. In this moment, I knew two things. It was wrong for me to sing a song about my feelings for E when I knew Derek was out in that crowd somewhere, and there was no way I could say no as E looked at me expectantly. I nodded once and E pulled me into his arms for a quick hug. He grabbed a guitar from Danny and perched himself on the edge of a stool. I stood by his side with a mic in hand as my heart raced.

E began to strum the guitar as he looked up to me. His voice was low and haunting as he began to sing.

The flames lick at my fingertips as I’m drawn to the fire,

I want to run but I’m consumed by the overwhelming desire . . .

I joined him, singing the next several lines, his eyes never leaving mine. I wanted this song to last forever, and that is when I remembered we had never written the ending. But E looked calm and completely at ease as we sang through the chorus. He continued the song after what we had written together, and I could only stand there in front of thousands of people while he told me everything he was feeling.

My heart skips from your glance and I can’t look away,

You’ll break me but take me, there’s no other way,

Life on the road, babe, I’m a rolling stone,

No matter where life takes us, you’ll always be my home.

We sang through the chorus one last time, and it took everything inside me to keep my voice from shaking. The crowd erupted in applause, but all I could hear was the thudding of my heart in my ears. E stood, guitar in hand, and pulled me into his arms. I felt safe and I knew he would always be home for me, too. I glanced out over the people below the stage, and my eyes locked on Derek’s. His expression was a mixture of anger and pain, and it physically hurt me to see that look. It was the same look that had echoed on my face when he had cheated on me so long ago. I pulled back from E, not able to look to him and see the hurt in his eyes. This was what Cass had warned me about. This was what I had been trying to avoid. I could barely breathe around the lump that had formed in my throat as I ran off the stage, leaving E standing alone. I screamed Derek’s name while shoving through the fans to get to him so I could explain, but he was gone.

THE NIGHT WAS slowly winding down and I hated that I would soon have to go back to the hotel and find out if I had been abandoned by Derek or if he would be waiting for me. I wasn’t sure which I preferred, and I felt horrible for even feeling that way.

I didn’t know what I would do if he was gone. Without the band I had no one. My mother was only a few hours away, but that was never an option. I hadn’t spoken to her in years.

I tried to keep a smile on my face, but I was cracking. I needed to see Derek so I could find out where we stood. I felt as if I were being taken to my execution as we made our way to the limo. The twins talked animatedly about all the women they had hit on at the concert, Cass and Tucker were whispering to each other, and Donna was debating bands with E. I was completely alone, surrounded by my friends. I stared off toward the heavily tinted windows, but it was nighttime and I couldn’t see anything besides an occasional streetlight. I ran my hand over the black leather seat beside me, tracing the stitching with my fingertip. Derek should have been at my side.

“You okay?” E’s voice cut through my thoughts, and I glanced up at him. He was sitting low in his seat, his hands behind his head, eyes locked on me. Donna was busy playing with her phone and didn’t seem to care that he was watching me. I knew my running off the stage had hurt him, but I wasn’t ready to deal with that now. I couldn’t handle much more of any of this.

“I’m fine.” I smiled, mask in place. I looked back toward the window knowing damn well E could see through my lies. Maybe I should have told Derek I would leave for Texas early with him. What was stopping me? He was finally making the commitment and I was telling him to wait.

We pulled up outside the hotel and I was becoming increasingly nervous. I had no idea what I would do if he wasn’t inside.

No one spoke as we rode the elevator to our floor. Everyone parted ways as we hit the third floor, but I lingered behind, not wanting anyone to see if Derek had left. I watched as everyone paired off, except for E and Donna. He walked her to her door and told her good-night before walking past me to his room. He paused outside his door, staring at me. I slid in my card and pushed the door open and walked inside.

It was empty and I wanted to scream, but I saw Derek’s bag still on the floor. He hadn’t left the state, but he sure as hell hadn’t come back here. I pulled out my phone and dialed his number. It rang and rang until his voice mail picked up. I hung up and tossed my phone on the bed. I jumped at the sound of a soft knock on the open door behind me and spun around.

“You still okay?” E asked, his head cocked to the side.

“Yeah.” I smiled, trying to hide my sadness. “He didn’t leave. His bags are here.”

“But he’s not?”

“No.” I looked over at his bag on the floor.

“Yeah, I didn’t think he would be.”

“He’s not that guy anymore.” I hated defending him, especially to E.

My phone rang and I jumped again, grabbing it off the bed. “It’s Derek.”

E just nodded and pulled the door to my room closed as I answered. I was relieved he had left me alone because I had no idea how Derek was going to act. I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Hey.” I tried to sound cheery.

“You alone?” Derek’s words were slurred and it sounded as if he was in a bar or a club.

“Of course. I just got back. I’m glad you didn’t leave.”

“Why would I leave? I paid for the room.” His voice was cold and it felt as if I had been punched in the stomach, but I deserved it.

“I’m sorry . . . about earlier. I do want to meet your family.”

“Yeah? I’m leaving day after tomorrow. I want you with me.”

“I will be.”

“I love you so much, Sarah.”

“I love you, too.”

He hung up the phone and I leaned against the wall as I thought about having to leave all of my friends. I knew I wouldn’t get to see them again for a long time, and it killed me.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

ERIC

I LAY IN MY bed recounting the night. It made me ill to think of anyone ever hurting Sarah, and I knew in time Derek would break her heart again. She was already so fragile there was no telling what it would do to her. When I saw him below the stage, I knew things were only going to get worse for her.

The phone rang next to my bed and I ignored it, but whoever it was called back immediately. I reluctantly pulled myself from my thoughts and picked up the receiver.

“Hey,” Sarah said with a loud sigh.

“You okay?”

She laughed and I could picture her shaking her head. “I’m fine. You don’t always need to ask me that.”

“I just don’t want you to be upset.”

“I’m going to Texas, E,” she blurted out. I ran my hand over my jaw as I let that sink in once again.

“When?”

“Day after tomorrow. It’s for the best.”

“For who?” I couldn’t hide my anger.

“We’ve already been through this.”

“But things have changed.”

“Nothing’s changed, E. I shouldn’t have told him I wouldn’t go.”

“Is he there?”

“No. He probably won’t be for a while. I think he was partying.”

I hung up and made my way to her room. I was only wearing my jeans and I didn’t bother to put on a shirt. I needed to say a proper good-bye. Once Derek was back, I knew he wouldn’t let me have a moment alone with her and he was right not to.

I knocked on her door, running my hand over my hair as I waited for her to answer. She pulled the door open slowly, her sad eyes meeting mine.

“You can’t leave.”

“E,” she sighed, and shook her head slowly, her hair falling around her face.

I stepped around her, slamming the door behind me and then pacing the floor of her room. “He is no good for you, Sarah.”

She followed me toward the bed, sitting down on the edge as I continued to walk the length of the room.

“I can’t just sit back and watch him hurt you anymore.”

“This hurts, E.”

I stopped and turned to look at her, saw the pain in her eyes. “Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?” I was trying to keep calm, but it was virtually impossible. She hung her head as her nails dug into her knees leaving tiny, red half-moon indents.

“You can’t do this. Don’t do to Donna what he’s done to me.”

I leaned down over Sarah, my hands on either side of her, pressing into the mattress. “I am nothing like him.”

“I know that.” Her voice was small. “I won’t be like him either. I’m taken, E. As long as he is faithful to me, I won’t go behind his back.”

“Faithful? You think just because I haven’t fucked you that you haven’t already cheated on Derek?”

Her hand cracked across my face and her nostrils flared in anger as she narrowed her eyes.

I stood up, running my hand over my cheek. “I shouldn’t have said that . . .”

She held up her hand to stop me from talking as she pushed from the bed. She walked around me and opened the door to the room, her head hung as she waited for me to leave.

“I will miss you . . . so much,” she said quietly.

I nodded, walking toward her, stopping just inches from her. She refused to look me in the eye. “I won’t try again, Sarah. If I walk out now, I’m done.”

A small sob ripped from her chest but she nodded slowly. It was physically painful to walk out of Sarah’s life, but I knew from the beginning this was the way it would end.

I made my way back to my room and picked up Sarah’s guitar, which still sat propped against the wall. I began to strum the notes to our song. It was fitting that we never finished it together, just as we would never finish what had begun between us. Every word I sang to her I meant.

As I continued to play, I thought of all the ways my life had gone wrong. Every path I chose when I knew it would only hurt me, every person I tried to love when I knew I would never get it in return. I played for hours until my fingertips were numb and I knew what I needed to do.

There was a woman who wanted my company, who desperately craved someone to love her, and maybe I could be that man for her.

Donna was amazing. She was kind and funny and didn’t look at me as if I were a mistake. I could be whom she wanted and I knew it would never be thrown back in my face.

It didn’t take long for me to make my way to her room. She had been sleeping and pushed her hair back from her face. Even when woken in the middle of the night, she was absolutely stunning.

I had a hand braced on either side of the doorframe. She smiled when she saw me and I couldn’t help but smile back at her. I reached out, running my hand over the soft angles of her jaw. She stepped forward and pressed her lips against mine. I groaned as my hand slid back into her hair, and I ran my tongue over her lower lip. Her body pressed into mine and I moaned at the physical contact I craved. I needed to feel wanted just as much as she did, and we moved against each other with an incredible hunger.

I needed to move on and make myself forget, and Donna needed the same from me. I saw it now. She wasn’t asking anything from me that I couldn’t give her. She just didn’t want to be alone. Together we could help heal old wounds and learn to move forward. I stepped forward and pushed the door closed behind me. I slipped her nightgown off her shoulders and reluctantly pulled my mouth from hers as I tugged it down over her breasts and it pooled at her feet. She was incredibly beautiful and I was a fool for not seeing it sooner. My hand slid roughly over her breast as I walked us toward her bed, not able to wait any longer to mask the ache in my chest.

Chapter Thirty

SARAH

I AWOKE TO DEREK’S climbing into bed just after three in the morning. His hand slid over my breast roughly as he pushed his lips hard against mine. I shoved against his chest, but he pinned my shoulder down with his.

“Get off me!” I could smell the alcohol coming off him in waves and it was nauseating.

He reluctantly rolled off me. “Fuck,” he barked loudly as his fists came down against the bed. “What is wrong with you?”

I got up from the bed and went to the kitchen area, filling a small glass with water and drinking it down quickly as I struggled to slow my breathing.

“You caught me off guard.” I refilled my cup and drank more slowly this time.

“You were expecting someone else?” he said angrily.

I rolled my eyes. “No, Derek. I only have you.” It was painful even to say the words but it was the truth now. I had pushed away the one person who gave a damn about me for Derek, and now he was throwing it in my face. Now instead of feeling empty I felt heartbroken.

I set my cup in the sink and made my way to the desk, turning on the small table lamp so I could write. He immediately jumped from the bed to follow me.

“I have fucking needs, Sarah.” He stood over me from behind.

“I’m just not in the mood.”

“That’s the fucking point! You’re never in the mood anymore. Ever since we came here.”

“You know that’s not true, Derek.” I sighed as a tear fell to my paper, and I hunched over farther so he couldn’t see it.

“Yeah, well, it’s getting fucking old. Maybe I should find someone who actually wants me.”

“Maybe you should.” I rolled my eyes and tried to focus on the paper.

“Fine.” He stomped across the room and I jumped as the hotel-room door slammed hard. I scrambled to my feet and grabbed the tiny trash can in the kitchen as I heaved the contents of my stomach into it.

I slid down on the cool tile floor, my back against the counter as the room began to spin. I was losing control. I tried to push out the fear and sadness, welcoming the familiar emptiness that had kept me together for all of these years. I needed to shut it all off, but the hurt hung thick in the air around me. It was all I could see, feel, and breathe. I was consumed by the pain and there was no escaping it.

I wrapped my arms around my knees, hugging myself as I rocked slowly and sang in my head, begging reality to shut off.

It felt like hours, days even, that I tried to calm myself, praying that Derek would come back and tell me it was all going to be okay. But I knew that wouldn’t happen. That wasn’t who he was. I knew exactly what he was doing.

I thought of my father’s old, rusty razor, caked in dried blood. I wanted the release, a place for the feelings to go. I wanted the tangible proof of the pain that was consuming me from the inside out. Maybe if Derek saw it, he wouldn’t be able to deny what he was doing to me. Maybe then he would stop and things could change.

I pulled myself up on shaky legs as I glanced around the room with blurred vision. Stumbling into the bedroom, I grabbed my iPod and hooked it into my portable speakers, finding my favorite escape easily. The sound of Lynyrd Skynyrd filled the room as I let the sobs rip from my chest.

I struggled against the overwhelming urge, squeezing my fists so tightly, my nails dig into the tender flesh of my palms. The small bite of pain was not enough of a release. I stalked off to the bathroom and pulled open the shower curtain. My razor sat on the edge of the tub, begging me to use it. I was like a druggie needing a fix. The urge was overwhelming. It was no longer a matter of if but when.

I cupped my hand over my mouth as the hurt overwhelmed me. Only one thing could take that away, make me feel better.

I spun around and pulled open the door to my room and made my way to E.