Текст книги "A Song for Us"

Автор книги: Teresa Mummert

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Текущая страница: 6 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

I reluctantly took a step back from her and let my arms fall from her body.

She didn’t say a word as she turned and walked away toward the end of the block. I watched as she slipped farther away and turned the corner. I balled my hand into a fist and swung at the wall where she had just stood in my arms. Pain shot up to my elbow as my knuckles cracked against the brick.

Chapter Twelve

SARAH

I NEEDED TO GET as far away from E as possible so he wouldn’t know that my tears were because of him. Why did he have to kiss me? He was one of my best friends, and now I couldn’t be around him without thinking about his lips against mine. I hated myself for even having the thought and for forcing me to lie to Derek.

Making it to my room, I collapsed on the bed, curling up into a ball and sobbing. The sheets still smelled like Derek and my stomach turned. I knew I couldn’t be here when he came back. I needed to escape, run away from everyone. I had done it once before and I could do it again.

I tried to ignore the way E had made me feel; tried to ignore the stabbing pain in my gut when he held Donna in his arms, looking at her the way I wished he would look at me. He was clearly happy with her. Why couldn’t he just let me be happy with Derek? Was he really that pissed off about my not calling him? I wanted to tell him that it was Derek who didn’t want me to talk to him, but that would only make him and Derek hate each other more. I was only here for two weeks, but when I left, it would just be Derek and me and I couldn’t lose him.

“Why couldn’t you just get the fucking tattoo?” I mumbled to myself as I stared down through blurry eyes at the tattoo on my arm. I ran my fingers over the raised lines that I had put there, what felt like a lifetime ago.

Each one like an eraser for the pain that had coursed through my body. I slid the pad of my index finger over each one as I closed my eyes and remembered the situations that had caused me to cut myself. They all paled in comparison to how I felt right now.

I pushed to my feet, stumbled as I made my way to the hotel minibar. I grabbed the first little bottle I saw. Jack Daniel’s. I poured it back against my throat, begging for it to take the edge off. I didn’t want to hurt like this and I didn’t want to do the one thing I knew would relieve the pain.

I grabbed another bottle and drank that one, too, coughing as the taste made me gag and nearly vomit. I froze when I heard voices in the hallway, hoping it wasn’t Derek. They continued on; their muffled laughter faded away. I grabbed another drink, struggling with the cap before I finished off that one, too.

“Please work . . . please work . . .” I pushed to my feet and made my way to the bathroom, ramming my shoulder into the doorframe as I tripped over the towel I had left on the floor earlier when I was with Derek. “Aah . . . ,” I cried out, knowing it would bruise.

I stepped inside the bathroom and slammed the door angrily and caught sight of my reflection in the mirror. My heavy eyeliner had smeared down my cheeks. I was breathing heavily, unable to calm myself down. I gripped the sides of the sink, using it to keep myself from collapsing on the floor in tears.

My body was begging for me to release the sadness in the one way that I knew would work. I squeezed my eyes shut hard as I struggled against my secret demons. “I’m as free as a bird now . . .”

I was singing loudly along with Lynyrd Skynyrd as they belted out “Free Bird.” I didn’t even hear him enter and creep up behind me.

“You’re growing up into a pretty little thing.” Phil smiled sickeningly, his teeth showing like a rabid dog’s. I crossed my arms over my chest, hating that at twelve my body had begun to change and so had the way Phil acted toward me.

“Please leave me alone, Phil.”

He reached out, tucking my hair behind my ear, his fingers trailing down my cheek. I wanted to pull away from his touch, but I was frozen in fear. His tongue ran out over his lower lip and I shivered, my stomach rolling as I opened my mouth to scream for my mom, but no sound came out.

“Sarah!” My little sister came barreling into my bedroom, coming to a stop as she saw Phil standing in front of me, his hand still on my face. He turned to look over Jenny and his smile grew.

“What is it, Jenny?” My voice shook, and my eyes locked on Phil.

“Come play with me!”

It was killing me that I couldn’t call the one person I knew would understand, E. I kept the real me carefully concealed from most of the world, but he could always see the sadness that lurked under the surface, reflecting back his own. He was also the only one in the world who knew how bad things were for me growing up.

My phone rang and I listened to it as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I hated the person who stared back at me. She was weak and a liar. She wasn’t strong and independent the way she claimed to be onstage.

The phone silenced and I shook my head as a fresh wave of sobs racked my body. I sank to the floor and grabbed the towel from it and ran the corner of it under the cold water. I began to scrub the black smudges from my face, wishing I could do the same to my soul.

When all of the makeup that I hid behind was gone, it was like looking at a completely different person. I was the girl in my school pictures, hair slightly longer, with the same broke smile and sad eyes, hiding a sickening secret from the world. I gathered my hair at the back of my head and pulled it up into a loose ponytail.

I would never look as sophisticated as Donna, but maybe it was time I changed who I was. I wasn’t enough for E and for damn sure was not enough to keep Derek from running off. I looked down at my stupid schoolgirl skirt and tank top accented with safety pins to give it a punk edge. I stripped off my shirt and slid my skirt down my legs. I ran my finger over the top of my thigh, tracing the thin, pink line that was fresher than the other scars, but was healing nicely. No one had asked about that one because the only person who ever saw that part of me ignored it. He pretended it didn’t exist.

I looked at myself, naked with only a pair of black, boy-cut underwear. I ran my hand over my stomach. Hating how it stuck out, hating that my hips were narrower than I liked.

The alcohol was beginning to take the edge off the pain, but it wasn’t enough. I made my way back to the minibar and collapsed to my knees as I grabbed another bottle and drank it down without flinching. I drank several more until my head swam and my skin began to tingle.

Derek had carried my cigarettes so I dug through his bag to find another pack. When I couldn’t locate them, I stood up with it and turned it upside down. Scattering the contents all over the floor and on top of the minibottles of memory loss.

I grabbed a pack and tore it open, throwing the trash on the floor as I made my way to the tiny kitchen area. I turned on one of the burners to the stove and waited for it to heat up. As it glowed bright orange, I stuck the cigarette between my lips and leaned down, pressing the tip to the hot surface. I wobbled on my feet and stuck my hand out to catch myself, placing the tip of my finger right on the glowing spot.

I yanked back my finger, at first wondering why it felt ice-cold. Within a second I realized that I had burned myself and my fingertip was throbbing in agony. Fresh tears sprang to my eyes as I waved it around frantically, trying to get rid of the hurt.

Chapter Thirteen

ERIC

THERE IS NOT enough whiskey in the world to drown out the feeling of having your heart ripped out of your fucking chest. I knew that Sarah couldn’t be left alone in her sadness and anger or she would self-destruct. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and stared at the screen. I wondered if he was with her now or if she was all alone. I struggled against my instinct to protect her. She’d made it clear that she didn’t want me to be that person. I flexed my fingers, the skin of my bruised knuckles pulling apart and sending a sharp jab of pain up my arm.

“Leave her be. She will call you if she needs you.” Donna took the phone from my hands and slid it into the back of her jeans.

“She’s not going to call me, Donna.” I sighed heavily as I drank back the shot in front of me.

She grabbed my good hand and pulled me from the barstool toward the door. “Let’s get some fresh air.”

As we stepped out onto the sidewalk, I pulled a cigarette from my pack and lit it. I blew out a heavy cloud of smoke as I watched the cars pass by.

Donna leaned against the wall, her eyes bloodshot and unfocused from trying to match me shot for shot. I watched her as she looked up at a hotel across the street, half the windows still lit from the lights inside. I put my arm around her shoulders and pulled her to my side.

“Thank you,” I whispered in her hair.

“For what?” She looked up at me, her face dangerously close to mine.

“For being here.” I dropped my cigarette to the ground and brought my hand up to push the hair back from her face. Her eyes closed and reopened slowly as I touched her skin. I leaned closer as I studied her expression. She didn’t try to pull away from me as her tongue rolled over her lips, wetting them and causing them to glisten from the dim neon light that hung overhead. Her reaction to me was the polar opposite of Sarah’s. She wasn’t repulsed or hurt by my touch, and I needed more than anything to feel wanted. By anyone.

I pushed my mouth against hers, needing to feel the tenderness, the acceptance of someone else. Her eyes fell closed again and her lips parted as I ran my tongue over them. My hand slid into her long hair, my fingers twisting in its softness as I held her to my mouth. She moaned softly, her hand falling on my chest. I pulled her against me as I deepened our kiss, her own tongue exploring mine.

There was a need, a longing, in the way she moved against me, and I wanted so desperately to give her the escape we both sought.

I reluctantly pulled away from our kiss to look into her eyes, the unasked question answered as her mouth found mine again. This time her kiss was more eager and I couldn’t help but push her back against the wall as I pressed my hips into her, letting her feel how much I needed her.

I ran my hands down her body, brushing against her breasts and down her narrow waist. I slid one hand behind her, grabbing her ass as the other lifted her thigh and gave me better access to her. I groaned as I rocked my hips into her, the jeans causing an unbearable friction between us. She gasped into my mouth and it only made me get more lost in her.

“Can I take you to my room?” My breathing was erratic and I had to force myself from finishing right here what we’d started.

She nodded, her cheeks flushed and lips swollen from our kisses. I pulled my body back from hers, hating the emptiness without her against me. I wrapped her fingers in mine as I guided us down the sidewalk and back to the hotel.

We crossed the lobby quickly, and when we got into the elevator, I smiled as I leaned against the wall and pulled her between my legs so I could kiss her again. Her fingers slid under the edge of my shirt and ran along the top of my jeans as our kisses became needier. The doors opened and we didn’t break apart as someone stepped into the elevator with us and cleared his throat. We both smiled and pressed against each other as we rose another floor, and the doors opened again. I backed her out of the tiny space and we stumbled and laughed. It felt so good to let go, to let myself get close to someone, have fun with someone . . .

“Sorry,” I called out behind me to the stranger as Donna giggled and tugged at the buckle of my jeans. I kept my arm looped around her back so she wouldn’t fall as we continued down the hall and fell against my door.

I grabbed the key card from my pocket and tried unsuccessfully to stick it in the slot in the door. Donna took it from my hand and spun around to give it a try. I gripped her hips, pulling her ass back against me. She laughed and pulled on the handle, shoving the door open. We nearly fell inside but I held on to her, lifting her in my arms and kicking the door closed behind me.

I walked her straight to the bed and sat her down in the center. The air around us changed in this private space with only the two of us. As I stood in front of her as she sat on the edge of the bed, I wondered if we would regret this in the morning. Sensing my hesitation, Donna grabbed my jeans and pulled me closer. She slowly undid the button as she gazed up at me, lust in her eyes.

I fought back the thought that I was going to lose her, too, if I went through with this. But as she pulled down my zipper and reached inside my boxers, all rational thought escaped me.

MY HEAD WAS pounding and I rubbed my forehead trying to force my eyes open. A leg slid over my waist and I froze as I glanced beside me to the mess of dark hair. My fingers gripped her knee and I leaned over, slowly brushing her hair from her face. Donna was sleeping peacefully beside me, and flashes of the night before slowly crept back into my memory. I slowly slid out from under her leg and got out of bed, suddenly aware of how naked I was.

I grabbed my boxers from the floor and slid them on as I made my way into the bathroom. I splashed cold water on my face, unable to look at myself in the mirror. The consequences of our night together were going to be too much for me to handle. I couldn’t lose another friend.

I leaned over the sink as I let the water droplets fall from my face, my hands clinging to the porcelain until the cuts on my knuckles pulled open.

A hand slid around my waist and I closed my eyes as I took in the severity of what I’d done. I was beyond wasted and I knew Donna was, too. I had had no right to take advantage of her.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, my voice rough from the night of par-tying. Her hand froze on my stomach.

“Why are you sorry?” She sounded so small and fragile and I wanted to wrap my arms around her.

“I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you.” I shook head, mentally chastising myself.

“You had just as much to drink as I had.”

“That doesn’t matter.” I turned around to face Donna and froze as I gazed down at her naked body. I hated myself for the way my body immediately reacted.

There was a knock at the door and we both looked over at it before her eyes fell back on mine. I put my finger to her lips to tell her to be quiet.

She didn’t say a word, and I slipped out of the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I took a deep breath before pulling open the door to the hallway.

Derek stood on the other side and my body tensed as I resisted the urge to punch him in the fucking mouth.

“Can we talk?”

I sighed loudly as I took a step back to let him enter, my eyes briefly flicking to the bathroom door as I walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. Derek stood in front of me as he gazed around the room. I gestured to the chair at a small desk and he nodded, pulling it out and taking a seat. I found my jeans by my feet and grabbed my cigarettes and lit one as I groaned.

“This shit between us needs to stop.”

I cocked an eyebrow at his tone as I took a drag, but didn’t respond.

“I know what you think of me and the feeling is mutual, but Sarah doesn’t need this shit. She was a fucking mess when I came home this morning.”

He had spent the night out without her. I couldn’t resist the urge to make a dig at him. “Classy.” I stretched my back, feeling as if I had been hit by a train.

His eyes danced around the room at the piles of clothes that obviously weren’t all mine.

“That goes both ways.” He pushed to his feet. “I’m telling you to stay the fuck away from both of us. And if you do have to come around, keep it civil. You’re only hurting her.”

I pushed to my feet as I ran my hand through my hair. I was not about to be threatened by this asshole who caused Sarah more pain then anyone else I knew. But her words from last night came back to me and I knew she wanted me to stay away as well. It wasn’t just him.

“You done?”

He glanced down at his feet as he shoved his hands in his pockets. I followed his gaze to Donna’s tank top, the same one from last night that read DAMAGED across the chest. Recognition flashed in his eyes and he glanced to the bathroom door.

“Yeah.” He smiled. “We’re done.” With that he turned and left, slamming the door behind him.

I sighed as I sat back on the bed and took another drag of my cigarette.

Donna came out of the bathroom, a white towel wrapped around her body. “I should go to my room and shower, get clean clothes.”

I looked up at her and nodded, unable to find the words to tell her what we had done should never have happened; would never happen again.

I watched as she gathered her clothes and slipped back into the bathroom to put them on, before disappearing out into the hallway.

I made my way into the bathroom and found my phone sitting on the counter. I slid my finger over the screen and saw six unread messages from Sarah. My heart stopped as I opened them to read.

Chapter Fourteen

SARAH

I’D SPENT THE last hour in bed feeling as if I had been kicked in the head by a horse. I have no idea what time Derek had come back to the room, but he was by my side when I woke. I blinked my eyes open and saw his staring back at me, concern on his face.

“What?” I asked, trying not to sound upset.

“What happened?”

“Nothing.” I shrugged as I looped my hand in his.

“You trashed the room, killed the minibar, and the stove was on.”

I closed my eyes, knowing that no excuses could make me sound sane in this situation. Part of me wanted to ask him why he cared. Why now? But I bit my tongue because I craved this side of him more than anything else.

“I was upset.”

“Then we will make it better.” He pulled my hand to his lips and kissed the back of it gently. “Take a shower. It will help.”

I gave him a small smile as I slipped out of bed and into the bathroom. As soon as my eyes locked on my phone, I could feel the panic spread from my chest. I picked it up and scrolled through the messages I had sent to E last night before I passed out.

I need you right now.

I can’t do this anymore.

Please . . . I’m not a free . . .

I shut the phone, unable to read the rest. Derek must have seen them. His clothes from last night were on the floor. I turned on the water to the shower, holding my breath as a few tears slid down my cheeks. After a minute I heard the door to the hotel hallway open and close quietly. I knew he was going to talk to E, and any hope I had of saving my friendship was gone.

I slid off my underwear and stepped into the scalding-hot water. I had fucked up things beyond repair last night. There was no going back with E, and now Derek was going to make sure of it. I dipped my head into the stream of water and held my breath as it washed over my face.

I grabbed a washrag and lathered it with soap before scrubbing hard over my skin. I wanted to erase the night, erase the scars, erase my past.

I stood under the spray until my skin pruned and my body shivered uncontrollably as I got out and wrapped a towel around myself.

Derek was sitting on the bed, his elbows on his knees and his head hanging as I stepped out. He looked up at me, and instead of being angry, he smiled. “I didn’t think you were ever getting out.” The unusual cheerfulness to his tone made me uncomfortable, as if he were deliberately ignoring my pain, or laughing in the face of it. “Get dressed. We have dinner with Tucker and Cass today. I know you don’t want to miss that.”

I couldn’t help but make a face. E would be at a dinner with Tucker. I stepped farther into the bedroom space and sank down to dig around my bag for something to wear. I decided on a pair of jeans and a formfitting T-shirt. I glanced back at Derek over my shoulder; he was watching me intently.

I stood with my back to him as I dropped my towel and pulled on a pair of underwear.

Derek laughed to himself as I continued to get dressed, and I was scared to even ask him what was on his mind. He didn’t leave me to guess.

“If you had messaged me, I would have been here, babe.”

I froze with my pants midway up my thighs.

“Really. No need to bug E while he’s getting it on with Donna.”

I pulled my pants up slowly, glad I was not facing him so he could get the satisfaction of my reaction.

“I didn’t realize he was.” I hated that my voice wavered.

“They are dating. Don’t worry. He wasn’t that pissed. I smoothed it over.”

I pulled my shirt over my head and turned to face Derek as I grabbed my wet hair and freed it from the collar of my shirt. I gave him my best fake smile that I showed everyone else. “Thank you. I can be stupid when I drink.”

“It’s fine, babe. He understood.”

I cringed inwardly at the thought of Derek’s talking to E about me. And the thought of him with Donna while I was texting him last night . . . suddenly I felt nauseous again.

“Where’s the dinner?” I examined the burn on my fingertip, which was now pink and swollen, but hadn’t blistered.

“Have to ask the twins. I haven’t heard from him. I just know afterwards we’re gonna hit the strip club to make up for him not having a bachelor party.”

I dug through my bag and grabbed my hairbrush, running it through my hair absentmindedly as I thought about how badly I had broken down last night. I hadn’t had that happen for a long time, and I felt that I was starting to slip back into the person I used to be. At least today I could pull Cass aside and have someone to talk to. I needed to vent, to sort out what I was feeling.

If I had not passed out last night, I would have hurt myself. It wasn’t a matter of if but when.

“We can skip the dinner if you want.”

I sighed as my heart sank. “No. It’s fine,” I lied, dropping my brush in my bag.

His arms wrapped around my waist from behind and his lips pressed against my neck. “Is it?”

I could only nod.

He spun me around to face him, his eyes searching mine for the truth. He sighed, his shoulders sagging. “We can just leave. My brother’s been bugging me to come see him in Texas.”

“I want to stay. I want to see Cass.”

He nodded, pushing the wet hair from my face. “Maybe afterward. I think it would be good for us to get away from all of this.”

“Yeah . . . maybe.”

He pulled me against his chest and I wrapped my arms around his neck. Spending some time alone with Derek and away from the partying was exactly what we needed. When things aren’t this hectic, we actually enjoy each other’s company. I missed that. Missed us.

“I’m gonna run through the shower and get ready.”

I reluctantly let go of him as he disappeared into the bathroom. I sank down on the bed and dropped my head in my hands. How had everything gotten so fucked-up in such a short time?

I needed to get it out before it consumed me. I found my old, tattered notebook and sat down at the small desk at the foot of the bed.

The flames lick at my fingertips as I’m drawn to the fire,

I want to run but I’m consumed by the overwhelming desire,

To let you in and break apart these walls,

That contain me, don’t blame me, I’m trying not to fall,

But it hurts to ignore it and it hurts to lie,

By myself in this bed when I’m starting to cry.

My mind was racing as I tried to get everything out that I had been keeping in so long. It was like therapy to me, and as I confessed my pain, I was confessing something else as well, but I was too scared to admit it.

“You’re writing.”

I turned around to see Derek running his hand through his long, dark hair, a towel slung low on his hips. My eyes danced over his tattoos and the bare spot on his chest. It was a perfect representation of how empty his heart was.

“Just jotting down some lyrics. We could use some new material for the next tour.”

He nodded as he gathered some clothes from the floor.

“I’m sorry.” I was apologizing for the mess I had made. The mess of my life.

“Me, too.” He tossed his towel on the bed and I turned around to stare at the paper in front of me.