Текст книги "Untamed"

Автор книги: S. C. Stephens

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Текущая страница: 21 (всего у книги 29 страниц)

The driver flicked the reins, and the horse began its pointless journey. With the distinctive clip-clop of its hooves against the road as our background music, Anna and I leaned back in the seat and relaxed. Pulling her tight to my side, I’d tried to ignore the emotion swelling in my chest. It was just a by-product of the surroundings. I wasn’t developing feelings for her. She was a great lay—no, an amazing lay—one I wanted to experience over and over again, one who made every other girl seem like a floundering virgin…but that was all she was to me. Sex.

God, I’d been such a fucking idiot.

Looking back on the moment now, it was easy to label the emotion that had begun to bubble that night. I’d been falling in love with her, and I would have done anything to avoid admitting that. It was so cliché, overused, and…mainstream. I hated the word on principle. Even now, I never…

I stared at my plate as empty realization hit me. I never tell her I love her. She’d even called me on it, and I hadn’t changed my pattern. Why was it so hard for me to say that word? To her. To my kids. To my family. To my band…Was I rebelling against something that didn’t need to be rebelled against? Maybe the word was overused…but maybe that was because it was the only word that accurately described how important someone was. Not saying it was like trying to pretend the sun didn’t exist by staying indoors all the time—ridiculous and futile. Even without acknowledging it, I’d still experienced it that night, and if I were honest, I’d experienced it every night after. I was experiencing it now, only now the feeling was laced with pain, because the girl of my dreams wasn’t sitting beside me in that carriage anymore. She was completely out of reach.

We’d ended up staying in the carriage for the entire loop, and somewhere around the halfway point we’d started kissing. No girl I’d ever kissed before had felt like Anna. She had the softest lips…But I had kissed girls with soft lips before. With Anna, it was more than that. It was like her lips had been specifically molded for mine. Like we were yin and yang, broken apart and separated by thousands of miles. But we’d found each other again, and when our bodies met…it was fireworks.

That night had been warm, her fingers stroking my stomach under my shirt had been invigorating, and the threads of her hair blowing across my face had been intoxicating. The night had been perfect. And when we’d finally made it back to my car, I’d driven her to her apartment and we’d fucked like bunnies. It had been just one of the many incredible evenings I’d had…with my best friend. My soul mate, if such a thing existed. And now…

“You okay, Griffin? You haven’t eaten anything, and from what I remember of having meals with you, you were always the first one done. You were usually the one digging into dessert while everyone else was only halfway through.” Dustin laughed, then smiled at me.

I couldn’t even fake a smile in return, not after that memory. “Yeah…guess I’m just not hungry. Long day.” Pushing my plate away, I stood from the table. “Thanks for the meal, Mom. I just can’t eat.”

After she nodded at me, I trudged to my room, closed the door, then sat on the bed.

I’d never felt this defeated and depressed before, and I really didn’t have anyone to share it with. Chelsey was the one I felt most comfortable talking to, but now that Dustin was back…They’d been apart so long, I didn’t want to keep them apart even longer, not for my pathetic shit. And Chelsey wasn’t the one I really wanted to be talking to anyway. No, who I really wanted was my best friend.

Pulling out my cell phone, I stared at it for twenty minutes. I’d really had a crap day, and hearing Anna’s voice right now sounded like a great reprieve. Assuming she had anything nice to say to me, that was. Eventually we had to talk about…us…right? Might as well get it over with. But what if her solution to this was to end it? What if she was happier without me? Or what if she just wanted some space, and me bugging her drove her over the edge? I had no fucking clue what I was supposed to do and what I wasn’t supposed to do. I was in completely foreign waters, and I was drowning.

“Fuck it,” I muttered. Finding her number, I hit the send button. Restraint was never one of my strong points anyway.

When she answered my call, I opened my mouth to speak. I shut it instantly when I recognized her voicemail prompt. I debated leaving a message, but then decided not to. If she was ignoring me, then she wouldn’t get to listen to what I had to say. Stubborn, sure, but she’d have to answer if she wanted to hear me.

Thinking I could get around her security system, I called Kellan’s house instead. It didn’t even dawn on me that Kellan might answer until the phone picked up. A flash of panic hit me while I waited for a greeting. What the hell would I say to him?

For once, luck was with me, and a feminine voice answered. “Hello?”

“Oh…hey…it’s Griffin. This Kiera?”

There was a pause, and I wondered if I’d just gotten my wife’s voice wrong. It happened on occasion; she and Kiera sounded a lot alike. But then the voice said, “Oh…hey…yeah, it’s Kiera.”

“Oh…awesome…is Anna there? Can I…talk to her?” I wasn’t sure why the words were haltingly coming from my mouth. I usually just asked for what I wanted without hesitation. It was like my entire world had flipped upside down recently, and I was a shadow of who I used to be.

“Anna actually went out…”

My throat constricted. With a guy? I wanted to ask, but if Kiera said yes, I’d be on the next plane north. And after I found whoever the son of a bitch was who thought he could date my wife, I’d pummel him into unrecognizable goo. Then I’d go to jail, and I’d never see my girls again. The threat of jail time was the only reason I stayed silent.

Sensing the awkwardness, Kiera cleared her throat. “I’m watching the kids for her…do you want to talk to them?”

A calm warmth passed over me at the thought of hearing those sweet voices. “Yes.” My speech came out in an unmanly squeak, and I had to clear my throat before I could try again. “Yes…please.”

The pleading in my answer must have moved Kiera. Her voice was thick with compassion when she told me she’d go get them. “Wait,” I said, stopping her. “Before you go…is Anna…is she…okay?”

Kiera let out a long sigh. “She’s getting by. What about you? Are you okay, Griffin?”

Her words hit me right in the gut. Okay? I had no idea anymore. “Yeah, I’m…” My voice trailed off as the desolation of my empty room struck me over the head. My empty room, my empty life. “No…my life is shit without them…” I had no idea if I meant Anna, my girls, or my band. I think I meant exactly what the word “them” implied. They all had a piece of me, and with all of them removed, I was dying inside, little by little, day by day.

With a sniff, I gruffed out, “Can you put Gibson on the line please?”

I’d died enough for one day, and I didn’t need to let Kiera see any more of my pain.

Chapter 22

Hardship

Three weeks went by at my soul-sucking job, and I eventually did get used to the work. My hands were no longer raw and bleeding by the end of the day; I had some super sweet calluses built up. They felt awesome when I was jacking off. Not. It was just another thing that made me miss Anna.

I yawned six times in a row on the drive to work. I hadn’t adjusted to the godforsaken hour, and I never would. No one should be awake at this time unless they were still up partying from the night before. My partying days were pretty much over though. I stopped by a bar after work for an hour or two, just to unwind before heading home to the chaos that was my parents’ house, and then I came home and crashed so I could do it all over again.

I hadn’t even been taking advantage of my one day off a week to go out and do anything. The desire just wasn’t in me. I wanted to get through the day, that was all I cared about now. Sometimes just getting through the hour was a struggle. Just keep going…tomorrow will surely be better. It never was though.

I’d always been able to make the best of situations, go with the flow, find joy in the oddest stuff, but now…the only bright spot in my day was thinking about Anna and the girls. While I went about my menial task of tightening bolt after bolt, I daydreamed about them.

The memory most often tangling my mind was when Anna and I had decided to move in together. Well, we hadn’t really decided it, we’d just sort of done it. It had made sense though, since we were already married. And had a kid. It was after the D-Bags tour with Sienna Sexton, when we’d all trudged back home after Kellan had gotten hurt. I’d been living with Matt up until then, but it seemed weird to go back there and leave Gibson and Anna all alone at her apartment. No, it had seemed more than weird, it had seemed wrong. She was my wife, and I wanted to be with her.

So we’d gone to her place together. Anna had carried Gibson, while I’d carried the rest of our bags. I’d been huffing and puffing by the time we’d reached her door; between the three of us, we’d had a ton of crap, even after we’d shipped a bunch of shit home.

“Here’s your new home, baby girl,” Anna had cooed as she’d gently swung the car seat from left to right, showing Gibson her new spread.

Anna’s apartment had been fine when we’d been rolling around in it, but all of a sudden it had felt cramped. “We should get a bigger place, somewhere Gibby can run and play. Somewhere with a pool.” The bags fell off my shoulders and thumped to the floor in a pile. I massaged my sore shoulders. “And a hot tub.”

With a seductive giggle, Anna swung her eyes my way. “I don’t know, I like how cozy we are here.”

Pulling the car seat from Anna’s hand, I gently set Gibson on the floor. Wrapping my arms around Anna’s waist, I’d told her, “Yeah, but what about the others? We’ll feel like we live in a box when they arrive.”

Anna had scrunched her brows in confusion. I don’t know why, but the expression had turned me on. Okay, I knew exactly why—everything she did turned me on. “What others?” she’d asked.

Leaning in, I’d sucked her bottom lip into my mouth. “The other kids we’re gonna have.”

She’d let out an erotic groan that was way too sensual for our daughter’s young ears. I was instantly hard. “Mmmm…you want more kids?” she asked, her voice throaty.

Pressing my eager body into her hip, I growled, “Yes…let’s start now…”

Anna laughed as my lips attached to her neck, then she gently pushed me back. Green eyes serious, she again asked, “You really want more kids?”

I’d glanced down at my daughter—my perfect, beautiful angel of a daughter—and a peaceful smile had spread across my lips. “I do. I want more mini versions of you. A dozen at least…and maybe one or two of me.” I’d given her my studliest smile, and she’d returned it, but her eyes were wetter than before.

“You want a dozen versions of me?”

Cupping her cheeks, I’d nodded. “Anything less than that would be a crime against humanity. You’re perfect…your DNA should be replicated over and over and over…”

She’d kissed me then, hard, and we’d quickly put Gibson down for a nap in her room so we could get to work on giving her a brother or sister in our room. And it wasn’t much longer after that that we’d moved into the mammoth house by the lake. My dream home, with my dream girl. But now the dream was over.

When my shift ended, I didn’t feel like going home. Honestly, I didn’t feel like doing anything. Staying at the factory overnight wasn’t an option though, so, dirty and sore, I plodded out to the parking lot. Maybe I’d head to the local bar and drown my sorrows in whiskey. It wouldn’t solve anything, but maybe it would temporarily remove the cloud of despair around me; I didn’t even feel like myself anymore. I barely looked like myself either. There were bags under my eyes, holes in my clothes, blisters on every finger, and grime, grease, and sweat in every nook and cranny. Chelsey had helped me get my blond hair back after Anna left, since the grow-out had been driving her crazy, but like the rest of me, it was dull and lackluster, and I swear to God, it was turning gray.

As I dragged my feet across the concrete, I thought maybe I’d just go home and lose myself in an hour-long shower. That was when the skies opened and the heavens puked heavy raindrops on me. Shaking my head, I looked up at the sudden downpour that was slowly washing away my will to live. Fuck you, universe, that’s not what I meant.

Coworkers were trudging through the rainstorm with me, slowly ambling to their cars at a robotic pace. Above the noise of the water pelting the earth, I heard one of them shout, “Hey, Cocknado…that your girl?”

Used to being teased at work, the nickname slid right off my shoulders. My heartbeat started racing as the words hit me. Holy crap. Was Anna here? Had she forgiven me? I snapped my gaze to where the coworker was looking, and for second, my vision hazed and I thought I might pass out. It was her. She was here…to save me from this hell. Thank God…

I was just about to shout out Anna’s name when my tired, aching eyes realized that I was mistaken. My heart fell to the bottom of my weary feet…it wasn’t Anna. It was Kiera. What the hell was Kiera doing here?

I had no clue what the answer to that question was. She was standing at the back of my dad’s minivan, holding a gigantic black umbrella, and shivering, like she was cold or nervous. She looked like she wasn’t entirely sure what she was doing here either, but she brightened when she spotted me. For a second, anyway. Once my appearance became clearer, her cheeriness dimmed. Damn it. I really didn’t want her to see me like this. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. Broken. Hopeless. Defeated. A pale specter of who I once was.

I felt nauseous as I walked over to Kiera. She lifted her hand in greeting, and I feebly returned the gesture. I tried to walk as casually as possible, but curiosity was starting to eat at me. What was she doing here?

She was biting her lip as she studied me, and as soon as we were close enough, she asked, “Are you okay?” Her eyes were shiny, like she was about to cry…for me. That was almost as shocking as her being here.

Instead of answering her question, I asked one of my own. “What are you doing here? Come to gloat? See how low I’ve fallen?” I indicated the dirty, dusty factory drowning in the deluge behind me. If only the rain would completely sweep the hellish place away. But sadly, no…I needed it too much.

Kiera’s expression turned incredulous. “No, of course not. I was worried about you. I just needed to know you were okay. And now…I’m not so sure you are.” Her eyes scanning my face, she stepped forward so we were both covered by her mammoth umbrella; someone sheltering me felt oddly nice. It choked me up a little.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I waved off her concern. “I’m fine.” I smiled, and it hurt. I was anything but fine. Studying Kiera, I asked, “Why are you checking on me? You hate me.”

A flush of guilt crept over Kiera’s features. “I don’t hate you, Griffin. I may not always like you…but I don’t hate you.” She sighed. “But my sister loves you, and that’s why I’m here. She’s miserable without you, Griffin. They all are…Anna, the girls…the guys.” She shrugged as her gaze fell to the concrete.

I felt like she’d just grabbed a slab of that stone and cracked me over the head with it. They were all miserable? Without me? I wanted to believe that…but they weren’t exactly knocking down my door asking me to come back. Any of them…

“Nobody’s miserable without me. Nobody even cares that I’m gone. I’ve been living here for over a year now, and you’re the only one of them who has come down to see me.” I wanted to cross my arms over my chest and stand there in proud defiance, but I couldn’t. I had no pride left.

Frowning, Kiera nodded at my car. “Can we go somewhere quiet and talk? Preferably somewhere dry?” She looked up at the underside of her umbrella. “Your mom told me it was going to rain when I asked her where I could find you. I didn’t believe her at the time, but yeah…she’s a smart woman.” Her eyes returned to mine, and I could see the compliment in them.

I shook my head. “Yeah, she is. But apparently, her smarts wasn’t something she passed down to her kids. Not all of them, at least.”

Kiera’s eyes widened in surprise; she’d probably never heard me put myself down before. Not wanting to hear her say it wasn’t true when we both knew it was, I pulled out my car keys. “There’s a diner nearby. Are you hungry?”

I couldn’t eat, my mouth felt like ash, but Kiera had just traveled hours to get here, and…as I just remembered…she was pregnant. I made myself smile. “You’re pregnant, of course you’re hungry. Congratulations…I bet Kellan’s stoked.” Seeing Kiera’s glow reminded me that Anna had wanted another baby. God I missed her.

Kiera giggled as she rubbed her belly under her jacket. “Thanks, yeah, we both are. I’m due in November, a girl this time. Anna’s been going crazy, helping me shop for her…” Her voice trailed off, like she knew that hearing about my wife would hurt me. And like a knife to the gut, it did. Fuck, would it ever stop hurting?

Wanting away from this waterlogged misery, I opened my car door and helped Kiera inside. I drove us to a quaint diner a mile away, and we settled into a booth near the back. Kiera ordered a meal while I ordered coffee; until I knew what she wanted, I couldn’t eat. While we waited for the food to arrive, Kiera started in on her speech.

She smiled at me, then frowned. “First off, I want to clarify something you said in the parking lot. The guys do care about you, Griffin. It’s just…everyone has been really busy lately…and, well, they’re just as prideful and stubborn as you are. You hurt them when you left. No, more than that…you crushed them.”

A smart retort started to bubble in my brain, but I let it fade away and continued sitting there with my head hanging. Yes, I had hurt them, I knew that. Kiera put a hand on my arm and I looked up at her. “There’s still hope here, don’t give up.”

Shaking my head, I indicated my grimy exterior, the run-down diner that was the best I could afford. “Look at me, Kiera. I lost everything I owned, I’m living with my parents, I’m so deep in debt that even my piss is red, I’m doing a job I hate just to get by, and…I lost my wife, my best friends, and my children. What hope? How can I possibly fix all of that?”

Her face was firm but sympathetic. “That’s why I’m here. Things have been really hard on the D-Bags since you left. Denny told me he mentioned some of it, but probably not all of it. Have you been following the news?”

With a sigh, I shook my head again. “No, once the TV show fizzled, I tuned out. Even before that actually. Once I left the band…I didn’t want to hear about them. It kind of hurt, you know?” I felt weird admitting something so personal to Kiera, but she only nodded.

“Yeah, I know. Kellan and the guys kind of felt the same way about you. But they had to move on to keep the group going.” She let out a long exhale. “And it hasn’t been easy. There was a huge backlash when you left. Fans were hurt, confused…angry.”

Remembering some of them heckling me at Pete’s, I nodded. “Yeah, I know.”

Kiera shook her head. “No, I don’t think you do. A lot of people were mad at you for leaving, but there’s this group of Griffin hardcores…and they’re making life hell for the rest of the guys.”

That shocked the hell out of me. “I have hardcores?”

Grimacing, Kiera nodded. “Yes. And they’re very vocal and very loyal. They started harassing the guys for pushing you away.” She closed her eyes for a second as she shook her head. “It got so bad with some of them, Kellan, Evan, and Matt had to get restraining orders.” She couldn’t have surprised me more if she’d said my TV show had been resurrected from the dead.

“Restraining orders? They…they okay?”

Her eyes opened slowly, like she was dead tired. “They’re fine. It was just pretty intense for a while. But this group, they’ve spread, and now every event the guys play at has protesters. Protesting what the band did to you. There were even some at the VMAs.”

I tried to think back to the night, if I recalled anything weird, but I’d been pretty wasted when I’d arrived, so I couldn’t remember seeing anything like that. “Wow” was all I could say.

Kiera gave me a half smile. “Yeah. And when the band finally did find someone to replace you, the protestors gave the new guy such a hard time…he quit.” With a sigh, she shrugged. “Thanks to your fanatics, every single person the band has hired to replace you has quit. The band can’t move forward. They can’t tour, can’t record another album…it’s been hell.”

I stared into my coffee cup as guilt churned inside me. “I had no idea they were struggling.” Why hadn’t they called me? I knew the answer to that the instant after I thought it. Because they didn’t want to admit defeat either. We were all drowning in our fucking pride.

Kiera sighed and I looked up at her. “Sales have dropped across the board, the band is floundering. Kellan has even mentioned disbanding…everyone going their separate ways…”

My eyes grew so wide my face started hurting. No, this wasn’t what I wanted. “They’re disbanding? Kellan can probably go solo, but Matt…Evan…what are they gonna do?” I was so worried for them, my heart started pounding harder.

Kiera’s peaceful smile made me feel a little better. So did her next words. “Denny convinced Kellan to try one more thing to replace you, so the band isn’t disbanding yet.”

Her words were bittersweet. I didn’t want the band to break apart, I really didn’t, but I wasn’t thrilled that their mission was to replace me. Feeling sullen, I asked her, “Yeah? And what’s that one thing Denny dreamed up?”

Surprising me, she laughed a little. “Ironically enough, it’s a TV show. Or a TV special, I guess I should say.” My expression must have been complete confusion, because she kept explaining. “Denny thinks that if we have a televised contest to replace you, where the fans get to vote, get to have a say, then your hardcores will be more accepting of the new person.”

My brain felt like Jell-O as I processed this new development. They were going to replace me on national TV. Kind of fitting, since that was how they lost me…

While I processed the information, Kiera softly said, “They’ve been having auditions all over the country…I’m a little surprised you haven’t heard about it.”

With a sniff, I told her, “I’ve been preoccupied.” Yeah, trying to keep my head above water was a full-time job on its own.

Kiera gave me a sympathetic smile. “Their last stop is here in Los Angeles…two weeks from now.” With a raised eyebrow, she added, “Tryouts are open to anyone. All a person has to do is show up and they’ll be given a chance.”

By the look on her face, it was clear she meant me. I could show up. I could audition. I could face the guys as a contestant looking for a job. I could start over. If I was brave enough. A conversation with my sister flashed through my tired brain.

What do I do now, Chelse?

You go after what you lost…even if you have to crawl through the mud to do it.

Since I felt like I’d been wallowing in mud ever since Anna left, crawling through it sounded easy.

I smiled at Kiera in appreciation, then gave her a small nod so she would know I understood what she was saying. “Thank you. Thank you for coming all the way down here to check on me and to tell me that. You don’t know how much I appreciate it.” Kindness and compassion of any sort was a rare commodity, something to be cherished. I understood that now.

As she looked me over, her expression turned sad. I must sound really pathetic, like a completely different person. I supposed I was. In a soft, compassionate voice, she said, “I’m sure you and Anna can fix this. She’s crazy about you.”

And I’m crazy about her. “I hope so,” I told her, looking away. Something occurred to me, and I returned my eyes to her. “Do the guys know you’re here? Telling me this?” Did they want me to audition?

Kiera shrugged. “Kellan knows. He’s the one who booked my ticket.” She winked, then she sighed. “I don’t think he’s telling the others though. He doesn’t want to put any pressure on you.”

I nodded. That was nice of him. Not surprising…Kellan was a good guy. “Thanks. Does…does Anna know you’re here?”

Kiera paused, then shook her head. “No. I didn’t tell her. She’s living on her own now, did you know that?” When I shook my head, she sighed. “Yeah, she got an apartment for her and the girls, and she got her old job back at Hooters. I told her she could stay with us for as long as she needed, but she wants to make it on her own. She’s stubborn like that.” She laughed.

I smiled. “Yeah…we have that in common.”

The waitress arrived with Kiera’s food, and she grinned as she looked down at her bacon and eggs. She was a couple of forkfuls into it before the waitress even left. Her appetite made me grin, even though it painfully reminded me of Anna’s pregnancy cravings.

“Hey, Kiera,” I said, swirling a spoon in my untouched coffee. When she looked up at me, I cringed. “Please don’t tell Anna about this.” I indicated my dirty, scrubby, beat-up look. Kiera seemed about to protest, but I cut her off. “I’m serious. I don’t want her worrying about me.”

Kiera thought about that for a minute, then nodded. To ease her mind, I added, “I’m gonna be fine, Kiera, no need to worry.” And for the first time in a long time, I actually believed that.