Текст книги "Untamed"

Автор книги: S. C. Stephens

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 16 (всего у книги 29 страниц)

Having sex while filming with a cell phone was tricky, but I held her hip with one hand while holding the phone in the other. Anna’s cries intensified, and I knew she was close. Thank God…I wanted to come so bad. She arched her back when she released, and moaned my name—loudly. I was just a second behind her. “Fuck…yes…shit…Anna…” I almost dropped the phone as the burst of pleasure stole my breath, stole my voice. Only incoherent groaning remained. Goddamn I loved having sex with my wife.

When we were spent and I could barely stand anymore, I turned off the recording. Cheeks flushed, her smile radiant, Anna sat up on her elbows. “Did you record that entire thing?”

Winking, I handed the phone back to her. “Oh yeah.”

Anna’s eyes were mischievous as she bit her lip. “Let’s watch it when we get home.”

Removing myself from her, I shook my head. “Fuck that, let’s watch it in the car on the way home.” Anna laughed, and I knew with absolute certainty that we would be watching it in the backseat.

When we finally left that office, hopped up on post-sex endorphins, we strutted back to the party like a king and queen entering court. Anna was charming and seductive as she stuck her hand out and made introductions. Even though I’d rather goof off than be serious, I tried to follow her example.

“Hey, I’m Griffin Hancock, star of Acing It.” The celebrity I was looking at still didn’t seem to know me, so I added in some backstory for clarification. “I used to be the bass player for the D-Bags.”

Her eyes widened as recognition seeped into her. “Oh yeah, the D-Bags, I love them! I thought I recognized you. I saw you on Live with Johnny when you quit…pretty gutsy. Your new show must be incredible to leave all that behind.”

Leaning in, I grinned at her. “You have no idea.”

With a laugh, she started in on what sounded like a resume of her accomplishments—off-Broadway plays, commercials, modeling shoots. When she was finished listing her positives, she pulled her phone out. “We should meet for lunch and talk more about your show. Let’s swap numbers…”

It went a lot like that for the rest of the night; I practically doubled the contacts in my phone. Whenever I explained the show, and that I was the member of the D-Bags who’d walked away at the peak of our popularity, people were thrilled to talk to me and eager to see what my new show was all about. They were all excited for my success and wanted a chance to work with me in the future. By the end of the night, I was the most popular guy in the room.

There was no stopping me now.

Chapter 15

When Awesome Attacks

Several weeks later, near the end of August, the moment I’d been dreading was finally here—the fucking VMAs. My entire immediate family was at the house, helping Anna and me get ready, plus a bunch of extended family too. I think they thought they’d get to go if they helped with Anna’s hair and makeup. Anna was both grateful for their help and annoyed with their hands-on presence. Stating that there were too many cooks in the kitchen, she sent everyone but Chelsey into the living room.

I was good to go in my snazzy dark gray suit. I even had styling gel in my dark hair; it was all slicked back like Jack Nicholson.

While I waited for Anna, I flipped through a gossip magazine resting on the coffee table. It didn’t take me long to find something that absolutely shocked me, and my chest went cold with icy dread. “What the fuck? Is this shit true?”

“Is what true?” Liam asked. Knowing he wouldn’t have a clue, I stormed off to find the one person in the house who might be able to clarify the crap I’d just read.

“Anna!” I yelled, bursting through our bedroom door. She was sitting at her vanity, watching Chelsey curl her hair. She looked like a million bucks in her clingy white dress, but I was too enflamed to really care. I did, however, sneak a glance at the ample cleavage she was showing.

“Have you seen this?” I said, thrusting the magazine at her face.

She pulled away so she could focus on it. “See what?” Chelsey stopped curling her hair, and both girls studied the article that had just blown my mind. Anna’s mouth fell open while she read. When she was finished, she looked up at me. “Is this true?”

“I was hoping you knew,” I told her. “Have you talked to Kiera, Jenny…Rachel?” Or the guys? I didn’t ask that last part though. I didn’t want to say their names, especially if this article was true. “What about last month, when Kiera visited? She mention anything about this?” Not wanting to hear any more gossip about the band, I’d spent the entire weekend at my parents’ place while Kiera had stayed with Anna.

Anna looked like she was at a loss as she handed the magazine back to me. “No…she didn’t mention anything, and we haven’t spoken in a week or so. They’ve all been so busy, and I knew we’d get to catch up tonight…There is just no way this is true,” she suddenly decided, her face firm. “One of them would have called me.”

She seemed so sure that for a second I believed her. But then Matt’s words filtered through my head—You’re dead to me. “I wouldn’t be so sure. Matt could have asked…” Anger flooded my stomach, and I tossed the magazine onto the bed. “That fucking son of a bitch! I can’t believe he eloped and didn’t invite me!”

The magazine landed on the article in question. It was a two-page spread on Matt’s nuptials. No wedding pictures were there, but then there wouldn’t be any photos. It said the couple had an impromptu secret wedding, with only close friends and family in attendance. Close friends and family. The article then went on to point out the very glaring fact that I hadn’t been invited. Or wanted. Or even informed. I’d been snubbed personally and publicly. He really had disowned me. They all had…

Standing, Anna looked over my face, then told Chelsey, “Give us a minute, please.”

I paced beside the bed, swearing and fuming. Chelsey gave me a sympathetic pat on the back before she shut the door behind her. I was too riled up to respond though. Pointing at the door where they’d just exited, I yelled, “She should be ticked too! She’s family, same as me, and that fucker excluded her too! And you! He left you out of the loop, and even your friends played along with his plan. Aren’t you pissed?”

I felt like steam was rising from the top of my head, and my cheeks felt like someone had poured acid on them. Anna was calm as she stepped up to me. Placing both hands on my arms, she stated, “We don’t know if this is true.”

I balled my hands into fists; I felt like driving them through a wall. “Yes, we do. This is exactly the type of crappy payback thing he would do. He snubbed us, Anna. He snubbed me.” Something else besides hatred started bubbling up inside me. It was thorny and painful, and I didn’t want to touch it or be feeling it; I wanted to drink it away.

Anna’s eyes started watering, which only made the sensation in my gut all the more uncomfortable. “I need alcohol,” I muttered, pushing past her.

She grabbed my elbow. “Wait, let’s talk about this. We’ve never really talked about…how you feel about leaving the band. So…how do you feel?” She seemed just as uncomfortable saying it as I did hearing it.

Jerking my elbow away, I raised my chin and pushed away the turmoil trying to boil to life. I am Griffin Hancock…nothing bothers me. Nothing even touches me. “I’m fine. Leaving those fuckers was the best decision I ever made, and I haven’t looked back once since making it.”

Anna pursed her lips. “Griffin…I know that’s not true. I know it bothers you that—”

Raising my hands, I cut her off. “The only thing that bothers me is that the alcohol is out there and I’m still in here. But that’s something I can easily fix.” I turned and left without another word.

The drive to Inglewood took a while, and I was silent the entire ride. I’d rented us a limo so we could show up in style, but I wasn’t enjoying it. I wasn’t enjoying much of anything, except the minibar.

“You might want to slow down, babe. Throwing up on the red carpet may not be the type of exposure Harold had in mind.”

Anna looked amazing with her hair curled and pinned, her makeup emphasizing her plump lips and smoldering eyes. If I were in a better mood, I’d rip off all her clothes and take her right here in the backseat. She’d be pissed that her hair and makeup were ruined, but she’d let me do it, and she’d rock the just-fucked look all the way down the carpet. But my mood wasn’t up, so my dick wasn’t either. Fuck my life.

Ignoring her statement, I tipped back my Hennessy. My head was nice and fuzzy, but I’d rather be blacked out. Anna sighed and recrossed her legs. She didn’t ask me to stop again, and I didn’t until we arrived at the venue and the car door opened. “Showtime,” I slurred.

The driver helped Anna out, then me. I almost toppled over when I stood all the way up. I’d massively overdone it, but I didn’t give a shit. I slung an arm over Anna’s shoulders and stumbled my way up the carpet. Anna had to help me walk straight, and she struggled with my weight some, but I was smiling and waving, just like Harold wanted.

Some classy chick in a fancy dress approached me with a microphone. “Well, hello,” she started to say. I didn’t let her finish though. Ripping the microphone out of her hand, I turned to the cameraman standing behind her. “Griffin Hancock here! What the fuck up, world!”

The woman tried to get the mic back, sputtering, “You can’t say that on TV!”

Turning so she couldn’t take the microphone away from me, I pointed at the camera. “Keep a lookout for my new show, Acing It. It’s going to blow your fucking mind!”

She finally got a hand on the microphone and yanked it away from me. “Prick!” she screeched while I laughed. Anna pulled me away with a long sigh.

Once we finally got to the end of the carpet, Anna was huffing and puffing like she’d just run a marathon. I was totally fine, buzzing in all the right places. Looks like I was in the mood after all. As we walked through the doors, I told Anna, “Let’s go backstage somewhere and fuck. Or on the stage. You know I’ve always wanted to do it on a stage.”

Anna elbowed me in the ribs. “I don’t think you’re in any shape to do anything but pass out. Let’s just go find our seats.”

“Fine,” I muttered, “but I have to pee first.”

By the time we found a bathroom, mingled, and schmoozed with people, the show was about to start. Anna herded me to our row, then stopped short when we got there. “Fuck,” she said under her breath.

Getting excited, I started unbuttoning my shirt. “Yeah? You want to do it right here? In front of the crowd? Works for me!”

She slapped her hand over mine, stopping me. “Griff…” She tilted her head toward the only two empty seats in the row. I didn’t see why she looked worried, until I noticed who was occupying the full seats. All the D-Bags and their bitches.

“Fuck, no.” I looked around the auditorium for that slimy producer who’d set this up. “Where the fuck is Harold? I’m gonna fucking kill him! There’s no way I’m fucking sitting here! No fucking way!”

My screaming got the attention of everyone in our area, including my ex-bandmates. Kellan looked surprised to see me, Evan looked conflicted. Matt just looked pissed. Squeezing Rachel’s hand tighter, he narrowed his eyes at me. “What are you doing here? You’re not in the band anymore, remember?”

I glanced at his hand holding Rachel’s, and sure enough, there was a shiny gold band around it. Fucker really did get married without me. “It’s true, isn’t it? You really did tie the knot? Thanks for the invite, asswipe.”

Matt’s face turned a deep red. “It was close friends and family only. You’re neither anymore.”

That got under my skin, and I took a step forward. “You fucking piece of shit!”

Kellan stood up and put his hands on my shoulders. Even plastered, I registered the clicking of camera phones going off. Harold had wanted a show, and here I was giving him one. “Calm down, Griffin. It wasn’t like that. It was…a spur-of-the-moment thing. Let’s go into the lobby and we can talk about it.”

I shoved him away from me. His kindness was just as grating as Matt’s disdain; I didn’t need sympathy. “Don’t do me any favors, Kell. He’s just mad because I don’t need him anymore, and he can’t control me. I don’t need any of you anymore. I’ve got my own thing, and it’s bigger and better than anything I had with you guys. You’re all just jealous, and you can all suck it!”

Turning around, I stormed off. “Griffin, wait!” Kellan called.

I could just hear Matt responding with “Save it, Kell, he’s not worth chasing after. If he wants to go, fucking let him.”

Grabbing Anna’s hand, I yanked her up the aisle. Some PA person working on the show tried to get us to sit down. “The lights are flashing, sir, that means you have thirty seconds to find your seats.”

Towering over him, I snapped, “Then you have twenty seconds to get the fuck out of my way.” I pointed down to the front of the auditorium, where our seats used to be. “I’m not sitting down there. I’m going home.” Fuck Harold. I’d made my appearance. That was all that was required of me.

The PA raised his hands. “I can get you different seats. I’m sure someone in the back would be more than happy to swap with you.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “Whatever.” I really didn’t care if I stayed or if we left anymore. I just wanted this night to be over with.

I tried not to look at the band throughout that stupid awards show, but my new seat was positioned in such a way that if I wanted to look at the stage, I had to look over their heads. And even though I didn’t want to, I noticed them: Evan and Jenny laughing over some stupid inside joke; Kellan and Kiera kissing, they were always fucking kissing; Matt and Rachel whispering sweet nothings to each other. Whatever.

And it was really hard to ignore them when they went onstage to present an award. The big one—Video of the Year. Whatever. The audience screamed and hollered for them like they’d never seen them before. I booed. Someone had to. Hearing only positive feedback was what inflated egos, and theirs were inflated enough.

After the show, Anna asked me if I wanted to try talking to the guys again. My blank expression was answer enough for her. Looking torn, she jerked her thumb to where the guys were standing, chatting with the winning band. “I just want to say hi to Kiera and the girls…see how they’re doing.”

Frowning, I glanced over to where the bitches were clinging to their Bags. “They’re having a great time keeping secrets from us, that’s how they’re doing. It’s obvious they don’t want us around, so I say fuck ’em.”

She sighed. “I’ll just be a minute.” She turned and walked away without another word.

Well. So much for Team Hancock. Guess I was on my own with this one. Well, fuck if I was going to just stand here and wait around for her. I had better things to do, like pimp my show. Swirling around, I made my way toward a group of girls. By the way they were tittering, I figured they were fans, not musicians. Perfect.

“Hey, ladies. Griffin Hancock here. I’m about to make all your dreams come true, every week, starting…well whenever a sucky show gets cancelled.” I looked around to make sure Anna hadn’t heard me say that. She still didn’t know the show was a midseason replacement.

“Ooooh, Griffin…of the D-Bags, right?”

I contained a groan. One day people would associate me with something else first. Something bigger, better, badder, and bolder, and I couldn’t fucking wait.

By the time I was done working the room, Anna and the D-Bags were gone. Hoping she hadn’t left for the night with them, I made my way out to the cars. I found Anna out there, waiting for our driver. She looked frosty. The ice in her eyes only grew colder on our drive home. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.

“What?” I asked.

Turning to me, she unleashed the full fury of her ire. “I thought you would at least try making peace with the band.”

I gave her a curious tilt of my head. “What made you think I wanted to try? Did you not see the ring? They fucking snubbed us, Anna. I’m surprised you gave them the time of day.”

Her cheeks flushed. “I know…and I’m not happy about that, but this feud has gone on long enough. Someone needs to be the bigger person.”

Leaning back in the seat, I turned my head toward the window. “It’s not going to be me. I’m happy where I’m at. If they want peace, then they better drag their asses to my house. They can kiss my ass on my front lawn.”

She inhaled a deep breath, then the car was silent.

When we got home, she went right to our room and slammed the door shut. Whatever. She could be mad at me over this one, that was fine. I wasn’t sucking up my pride to apologize to the guys. I didn’t need to. They were in the wrong, not me. They’d used me, abused me, then fucking excluded me. Fuckers could go to hell for all I cared. Bigger and better things awaited me.

Chapter 16

You Heard Right, I Am That Awesome

It took Anna a couple of days to calm down after the VMAs. When she finally started smiling again, I knew she was over it. Or as over it as she could be. She wanted me to make up with my D-Bag family, but that wasn’t happening. They’d gone too far. But I supposed I could cut their girls some slack, or at least hide out while they visited. Anna seemed to need their friendship. Whatever. It made her happy whenever I suggested she invite them over, so I told her to give them a call. Even Rachel I’m-Married-to-a-Douchebag Hancock could come over…so long as I wasn’t around to hear about her fucking nuptials. Asshole.

While Anna made plans, I went to my office to see if there was any news about the show. Grabbing the phone, I dialed Harold. “Hey, Harry. Do you have good news for me? Have we been picked up for a full season yet? ’Cause I’d love to get paid. Or maybe you’ve heard about an earlier start? I’ve kind of had to hide the delay from my wife, so if we could get this going in September or October, you’d be making my life a hell of a lot easier.” I listened for Anna, but she was downstairs on her cell phone talking to Kiera, or was last time I saw her.

Harold’s voice was crisp and professional. “I’m sorry, Mr. Hancock, unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll be making your life any easier.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.

Harold paused a moment, then said, “First off, I want to thank you for your time and energy with this project. Your enthusiasm and desire to make the show a success was evident in everything you did.”

“Um, okay,” I said, scratching my head. “Thanks for the kudos, but what’s going on? You almost sound like you’re saying goodbye. You leaving me, Harold?”

His voice still stiff, he continued on like he was a recording and not an actual person. “Regretfully, LMF and the creator have decided to…part ways. The show is being shelved as all parties involved move on to other projects, and all the cast members are being released from their contracts. I’m very sorry, but the few episodes that were filmed will most likely never be shown.”

“What the hell are you talking about, Harold?” I suddenly felt like I was back in school and the teacher was explaining a subject that was so pitifully easy that everyone could do it. Everyone but me. And just like at school, I felt like I was missing something that should be obvious. It only confused me even more.

Harold let out a frustrated grunt, similar to my schoolteachers when they had to “dumb down” something so I could learn it. “Acing It has been cancelled, Griffin. Thank you for your time and energy, but your services are no longer needed.”

Like a massive earthquake had just struck the city, I lost the ability to stand. Luckily for me, a nearby couch was close. I landed on it with a thud. “What?” I whispered, stupefied. “Cancelled? It can’t be cancelled, it hasn’t even been aired yet. What you’re saying doesn’t make sense…”

“Yes, well, to put it bluntly, the studio and the creator have decided that it is no longer worth their time and energy, and ultimately, it’s their choice.”

“But…how can they decide that before it airs? It’s going to be huge, they just have to stick it out!” I was screeching into the phone now, but my tone didn’t alter Harold’s.

“I’m very sorry to have to tell you this. I was…very hopeful about this one.” He said it like he did this all the time. I didn’t. This show was all I had.

“This is bullshit!” Standing up, I began pacing. “We’ll go somewhere else, somewhere where the people have more vision.”

“We can’t, Mr. Hancock.”

“Why the fuck can’t we?” I yelled into the phone.

Harold sighed. “The show doesn’t belong to us, it belongs to the creator, and he’s decided that he wants to go in a different direction. And besides…no one else wanted the show. LMF was our only prospect.”

I had no clever retort to that. No flash of brilliance to make this all pan out. All I had was a knot of indigestion roiling in my belly, making me feel like I was going to throw up. “But…I gave up everything for this…” I whispered. What the fuck was I going to tell Anna?

Harold sniffed. “Yes, that is unfortunate, but these things happen. You just have to dust yourself off and try again. I’m sure one day you’ll be a huge success. Best of luck, Mr. Hancock.”

He disconnected the line before I could respond. I stared at the phone for a second, then dropped it onto the couch. One day I would be a huge success? Those were his parting words of wisdom for me? But I’d already been successful before him…with the guys…and I’d left the band to do this. Because this was supposed to get me even greater success. But now…it hadn’t even really started and it was over, and the band was over, and I had no fucking clue what to do. The knot of tension in my stomach started replicating uncontrollably, and I had to lean over and put my head between my knees. Taking deep breaths, I tried to focus my vision; it kept wavering in and out. I’d bet everything on this gamble, given up my spot in the band, created tension in my otherwise flawless marriage, and all because I hadn’t really thought the show was a gamble. It was supposed to be a sure thing. And now it was gone. Jesus…what the fuck do I do now?

Three hours later, I was still in my office, staring at the gold records lining the walls, trying to think of a way to keep my dream alive and to keep my marriage from falling apart. If Anna knew it was all for nothing…the crack between us would grow into something truly ugly. I felt numb. I felt hopeless. I felt defeated. It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way.

A timid knock on the doorframe got my attention. A bare leg swung through the door and wrapped around the frame, and with a bright smile on her lips, Anna rotated her body into the room. She was hugging the doorframe like it was a stripper pole. Any other day the sight would have given me an instant boner, but I was too shell-shocked to be aroused. My plan had been flawless…what the hell had happened?

“There you are. I just got off the phone with Kiera. She and the girls are coming up next weekend.” Her smile was bright and carefree, then it turned playful. “Were you watching porn in here? Without me?”

She giggled and a brief smile lightened my face. It instantly fell off as the heaviness of reality weighed down on me. Fuck. How did I tell her I was a failure? I’d asked her to trust me. I’d assured her everything would work out. I’d be a loser in her eyes if she knew the truth. I couldn’t handle the thought of being anything other than amazing in her eyes. I’m so proud of you, Griffin. Goddammit.

Seeing my expression, Anna let go of the doorframe and stepped into the room. “What’s going on? Did you hear something about the show? When’s it airing? I think it’s so weird that they won’t tell you. And it’s not on the schedule yet…it’s only a few weeks away?”

Ice-cold fear froze my limbs, while acid-like doubt gnawed holes in my stomach. How do I tell her what a fuckup I am? That I’d given up my plush high-paying job, ripped her from her home, her family, and her friends, lied to her, broken her trust…for nothing. She hadn’t wanted to come here, she hadn’t wanted me to do this, but she’d gone along with it because we were a team and she believed in me. And I’d just lost the only hope I’d had to prove to her that I could be a star without the guys. If I told her the show was cancelled, she’d freak out. She’d be furious about everything I’d thrown away to do this. No, she’d be more than furious, she’d leave…she’d go back to Seattle and leave me here to rot. Or she’d ask me to come with her, but I couldn’t go back there. I just couldn’t. Not as a failure with my tail between my legs.

It made me feel any even sicker, but I couldn’t tell her the truth. Not completely. Not yet. I needed to ease her into the truth, give it to her gradually, in pieces, so she didn’t panic, so I had time to think of a backup plan. With that in mind, I decided to tell her something I should have told her a while ago. She’d be upset, but not nearly as upset as she should be. “Uh…Harold called…I sort of have bad news.” I had to swallow the sudden lump in my throat. Fuck. I’d been so close to having everything I’d ever wanted.

Anna’s face fell, and she placed her fingers over her chest, like her heart was pounding and she was trying to calm the organ down. “What? Is there a problem with the show?”

Forcing a smile to my face that I hoped looked realistic, I shook my head. “No, no…it just got pushed back. They’re going to use it as a midseason replacement. You know, when one of the other shows fail. Harold said not to worry, that tons of successful shows get their start that way. It doesn’t mean anything.” But the show being cancelled does. Fuck.

Anna didn’t seem to know how to process that. She seemed concerned but didn’t know if she should be. “Oh…well…are they still paying you the same? Even though the show has been delayed?”

You mean, are they still paying me next to nothing? And have we used up the little that they did pay me by renting this McMansion? Yes. “Oh yeah, we’re fine there, babe. No worries.” Shit. I was so fucked.

Anna inhaled a deep cleansing breath. After she let it go, she murmured, “It will be fine, it will be fine, it will be fine…” By the way she said it, it was clear this was a chant she repeated often. She left without another word, and a bitter despair washed over me once she was gone. What the fuck did I do? What the fuck do I do? How do I fix this?

I didn’t have an easy answer for that. In fact, the only answer I could come up with…was to try to get on another show. Anna would flip if I told her I was jobless and auditioning though, and she was already holding on by a thread, I could tell. I’d already fucked up so much for her, and I couldn’t admit what a disaster my master plan had been, and the fact that I didn’t have a decent backup to that plan. So to save face, and my marriage, I did a really horrible thing. I flat-out, no-way-to-deny-it, deceitfully, horribly, shamefully lied to my wife. I lied to her, to save us, because I knew it was all over if I didn’t. And I couldn’t comprehend us being over. Just the thought of her walking out on me made me feel like I’d inhaled a handful of glass shards; every breath hurt.

The Monday after Kiera left, when Anna was chipper and recharged, I told her the “good news.” Grabbing her waist, I pulled her in tight, and prepared myself to do something I didn’t think I’d ever have to do again. “Hey, I wanted you to be the first to know…the show got picked up for a full season! I’m going in today to begin filming the rest of the episodes.” Please forgive me for this.

Anna’s jaw dropped in surprise. “Wow, babe, that’s great!” The pride on her face made the nausea and remorse return. This show was supposed to be my shot at greatness. Now look at me.

She squeezed me tight, which was a good thing, because I was sure I looked pretty damn guilty at the moment. Pulling back, she asked, “So when is the show going to be on?”

Not able to meet eyes with her, I swished my hand and looked around for my coat. “Uh, January, I think. I don’t know yet…I gotta go, babe.” I felt sick as I left the house, and I even dry-heaved in the driveway, but I didn’t have a choice. I needed time, and now I had until January. Hopefully by then I’d have something better lined up.

Auditioning was tougher than I thought, and after going to a few of them, I had to give my brother Liam props. I had no idea what I was doing, and that was plain as day to the people running the auditions. In fact, I was beginning to wonder if Harold would have given me Ace’s part if he’d bothered auditioning me for it. By the way I was being ripped apart on an almost daily basis, I doubted it.

Every day, I was getting more and more frustrated. And every day, I avoided my wife as much as I could. I left for my “job” early in the morning and got back home as late as I could. I even went “in” on the weekends to avoid being at home. I just couldn’t handle the feeling in my stomach whenever I was around my family. It was like my gut was lined with razor blades, and every time they looked at me with pride in their eyes, my muscles clenched and those blades sliced me open. I couldn’t take it, so I made sure I wasn’t around.

Since I didn’t actually have a job, and I couldn’t fill up all the hours in the day with auditions, I hung out a lot. I went to bars, strip clubs, all-you-can-eat buffets…wherever I could veg for hours at a time. I even drove to Vegas once…or twice. Anything to occupy my day. Sometimes I shopped, and then I’d leave the trinkets for Anna and the girls around the house, for them to find while I was “working.” The small gestures helped alleviate my guilt, and Anna always texted me smiles and kisses after she found them, but she didn’t like how much I was gone.

“I never see you anymore. I know what you’re doing is important…but they are going to let you come home every once in a while, aren’t they?”

I sighed into the phone as I sipped on my beer. I was such a fucking dick. “Work comes first, babe, you know that. But don’t worry…they’ll give me time off for the holidays.” God, I was beginning to give Matt a run for his money in the douche of the year category.