Текст книги "Every Wrong Reason"

Автор книги: Rachel Higginson

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Текущая страница: 18 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

Chapter Twenty-Four

31. I love him.

My mom called later in the day. She wanted to know how mediation went. She wanted me to get the dog.

I didn’t want to move for the next forty years.

“How did it go?” she asked impatiently.

“Not well.”

“Are you divorced?” Her tone was panicked and concerned. She rarely sounded panicked or concerned. “Is it final?”

I sniffled. “No. No, it’s not final.” I didn’t explain to her that we couldn’t have finalized it in mediation. That there were more steps to it than this. It didn’t matter now because if I had any say about it, I would never take those steps. Nick would have to go on living his life forever anchored to me. I would be the ball and chain that never let him move on.

He’d have to become a polygamist if he wanted to get married again.

Oh, god, what if he wanted to get married again?

I collapsed back to my side and let out a high-pitched whimper. “Kate? Katherine? What’s wrong? What happened?”

“I couldn’t go through with it,” I cried.

“Go through with what?” Her patience had run out. She had started shrieking.

“The divorce, Mom! I couldn’t go through with the divorce!”

“Oh.” Her tone evened out and she sounded obnoxiously pleased. “Well, that’s a good thing.”

I started crying harder. It wasn’t a good thing if Nick still wanted one.

“Oh, Kate,” she sighed. “It’s going to be okay. Everything is going to work out.”

She had never said that before. Not once since I told her Nick and I were going to end things.

“How do you know?” I croaked.

“Because you love each other. Because you went through some hard times, but you’ve never stopped loving each other.”

Ladies and gentlemen, my mother, the closet romantic.

I propped myself up on my elbow. Some of my tears dried and I took a steadying breath. “He didn’t say he didn’t want to end the divorce. He might still want one.”

“He doesn’t,” she said confidently.

“How do you know?”

She sighed again, only this time I could hear the smile in her voice. “Because he’s a good man, honey. He’s a good man that loves you.”

“I thought you hated him?”

“Katherine Claire, I am your mother. I always want what’s best for you. I suppose we were a little harsh with Nick because… well, because I didn’t think he was giving you the life you deserved. But when you left him, I realized I was wrong.” She cleared her throat while my entire world tipped on its axis. Did my mother just say she was wrong? Had I prayed a little too hard for that zombie apocalypse? “In comparison to your life of loneliness, he was the best thing for you. No matter what his profession.”

I let the passive aggressive digs slide and said honestly, “Thanks, mom.”

“I love you, Kate.”

“I love you too.” I sat up fully and added, “I can’t come to dinner every Sunday though. It’s too much. I love you and dad, but I can only make it once a month.”

“Twice.”

“What?”

“Come twice a month and I won’t bug you about it again.”

“Okay,” I laughed. “I’ll come twice.”

“We can keep the dog another night, too. Your father has grown really attached. I think I’m going to have to buy him one by the end of it.”

I blamed my heartbroken exhaustion, but nothing she was saying was making sense. “Buy him what?”

“A dog,” she muttered. “Like this one. I might have to hit it with my car too just so he can feel needed.”

“Who?”

“Your father, Kate. Keep up! He won’t watch TV anymore unless the dog is curled up on his lap. It’s ridiculous. You should see the way he babies it! You’ll help me find the right breed, won’t you?”

Feeling sufficiently exhausted and completely weirded out, I nodded. Then I realized she couldn’t see me and so I said, “Oh, okay. If you think he really wants one.”

My dad had never loved anything in his life. Not even me! Okay, that wasn’t true. But small animals were definitely not on his short list. They ranked right under traffic for things he could not tolerate.

I couldn’t picture him cuddled up with Annie.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to picture him cuddled up with Annie.

“Alright, get some sleep. Your dad will bring the dog back to you tomorrow.”

“Thanks, mom.”

She clicked off and I dropped my phone on the cushion beside me. That was the most bizarre conversation I had ever had with my mother.

It beat the birds and the bees talk she tried to have with me when I was fourteen.

It had been too late by that point. I went to public school and there was this thing called TV.

I knew everything I needed to know.

I figured the logistics out later. As God and my sanity intended.

I felt oddly at peace then. Everything wasn’t quite so dismal. My mom believed Nick still loved me, so that had to mean something, right?

That peace carried me through the rest of the day and eventually I was able to get up off the couch and at least change clothes.

I stripped off my pencil skirt and blouse and replaced it with yoga pants and a racerback tank. They were workout clothes, but I was not planning on working out.

Unless one considered inhaling a couple gallons of ice cream working out.

But mostly I needed the clothes for their stretchiness.

I walked down the stairs, anxious to get started on my ice cream marathon when I saw him. The sight of him there, in the entryway, standing so tall and looking so beautiful, nearly made me face plant down the remaining four stairs.

I caught myself on the railing, but my stomach took the tumble anyway.

“What are you doing here?”

He stood there out of breath with his shoulders heaving, as if he’d run all the way here. His mouth was set with determined lines. His eyes were so intent, so intimately focused… but maybe a little lost too. Or maybe it was something deeper than lost. Something profound and permanent that reflected in my eyes too. Something like finally being found. “You still don’t know?”

I shook my head and tried to swallow. “No.”

“You, Kate. I’m here for you.”

I carefully made my way down the rest of the stairs and took a step toward him. It was strange being in this place. I felt like my emotions had taken steroids. There were too many of them. And they were at war with each other.

The man that I wanted, the marriage that I wanted, stood right in front of me and still I had to fight my pride and swallow humility. I had to choose to let go of our past and hold onto the hope that we had a future. I had so many things I wanted to say to him, but I needed to choose the best things… the things that would move us forward and give us healing.

It wasn’t easy. It was the opposite. It was traumatizing and against my nature. I knew I was stubborn. I knew I was a control freak. I knew I had a thousand faults that only this man could love.

We were so broken. I was so broken.

Yet I wanted this more than anything in the world. More than I had ever wanted anything else in my entire life.

And I knew, without any doubts or misgivings, that if I let him go… if I gave up on our marriage and walked away, I would regret it every single day for the rest of my life.

More than that, I would be giving up a quality of life. I would be letting the best thing in my life go. I would have to resign myself to a secondhand citizenship in my own life and I could not do that.

I didn’t deserve it.

He didn’t deserve it.

We didn’t deserve it.

Before I could create words and explanations and apologies out of all of that, he stepped forward again, closing the distance between us and said, “I’m sorry, Katie. I’m sorry for everything.” When I saw real tears reflected in his deep blue eyes, I immediately burst into tears. I couldn’t help it. I had never seen him like this before.

“Nick, you don’t have to-”

“I do. I need to say all of this. It’s stuff I should have said years ago. I should never have let us get this far. I should never have let you go. Not once.” More hot tears spilled down my cheeks and I nodded, letting him go on. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t let go of the band. It was stupid. It was stupid of me to hold onto it for so long. I haven’t wanted it, not really anyway, for a long time. But I hated the taste of failure and disappointment and when I looked at you, with this career that you loved and all of your success, I just couldn’t… I couldn’t deal with that. I was stubborn in a way that deeply hurt us… hurt you and I’m sorry I did that to us.” I opened my mouth to answer him, but he held up his hand and with a small smile said, “Please wait. There’s more.”

“Okay,” I whispered.

“I’m sorry I didn’t take the burden off you financially. I know you will teach no matter what I do, but I shouldn’t have put you in that position. I will never do it again. And it’s not because I don’t think you’re capable or that you weren’t handling it. I know you are and I know you did. But we are in this together. We have to be in this together. We’re a partnership. One-half isn’t greater or less than the other. We are two halves that make one whole. I’m sorry I stopped us from being equals.”

He took another step toward me and we were only an inch apart. I felt him this time and it was real. I felt his body heat. I smelled him, the way only he could smell. I could reach out and touch him if I wanted… if I wasn’t so afraid he would shatter into glass, proving I had conjured him up in my depression.

“I’m sorry we haven’t had a baby yet. I’m sorry I haven’t done everything in my power to find out what’s wrong and give you the thing you want most. I’m sorry I ignored you and neglected you and treated you cruelly. I’m sorry I let us drift apart while we were together. I’m sorry I left you. And I’m sorry I stayed away for so long.

“There are so many things between us, Kate. I know we can’t just fix ourselves overnight. But I want you to know that I’m going to do everything I can to make this work. I am going to work as hard as I can. I am going to think of you first and show you love… show you how very much I love you. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep fighting with you and making you miserable. I can’t keep making myself miserable. We deserve so much more.” His blue eyes speared me with a heated, powerful look. “You deserve so much more. Because the truth is, I surrender too. To this. To us. To you.” He swallowed roughly, then with sincerity that rocked me to the center of my being, asked, “Will you forgive me?”

The words were stuck in my throat, clogged with too much emotion and racing each other to get out. I threw my body at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and flattening myself against his chest. He caught me. I knew he would. “Yes,” I whispered. “Yes, I forgive you.”

When he tightened his arms around my waist, it was different than before. He held me with promise, with hope. He held me in a way that was so permanent and lasting I felt it to my bones.

“I’m sorry, too,” I cried against him, wetting his shirt. “I almost don’t know where to begin. There are just too many things.” His fingers trailed gently through my hair, giving me courage to go on. “I’m sorry I didn’t respect you. I’m sorry I didn’t support you. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you. I’m so sorry this got so convoluted.” I took a second to breathe through trembling sobs. “But most of all I’m sorry for leaving you too. I’m sorry I didn’t try to do everything I could to fix us first. I’m sorry I was so selfish.”

“It’s okay,” he whispered against my hair. “It’s going to be okay.” His lips touched my forehead and he said, “I should never have let you get away.”

Some of the old fear reared its ugly head and I tilted my face toward his. “Are we going to be okay?”

He pulled back so he could hold me with his gaze again. “We are. We’re already on our way to okay.” A tremulous smile tilted my lips and he mimicked it. “God, Kate, I have never loved anything or anyone like I love you. I know we’re going to make it because you are the most important thing in my life and I am tired of not treating you like that. I can’t let you go. I don’t want to let you go. I want to fix this, Katie. I want to shed all the bullshit and get to the center of things… the center of us. I love you, Kate. I’m never going to leave you again.”

I leaned up on my toes and pressed a kiss to the underside of his jaw. He didn’t hesitate to dip his head and meet my mouth. His tongue swept over my bottom lip and then he deepened the kiss into a frenetic free fall of love and passion and apology.

We clung to each other as tightly as we could, as if the smallest space between us was intolerable. His mouth moved over mine greedily, hungrily… adoringly.

This was just a kiss, but so much more than anything we had ever done. This was more than sex, more than fighting, more than any hurt we could have ever caused each other.

We promised something new to each other, saying our vows all over again. This kiss became the beginning of a new life for us, the foundation for which everything else would be built.

This wasn’t just a kiss. This was forgiveness. This was healing.

This was our future.

When he pulled back, it was to trail sweet kisses along my temple and down my cheek to the line of my jaw. He tasted my tears and I felt cherished.

I felt loved again.

He took my hands and led me to our couch. We sat down, tangled in each other with the words to his song hanging behind us and the home we’d built surrounding us.

“It was all for you,” he murmured.

“The job?”

“That was the start of it,” he agreed. I had my head on his chest, listening to the beautiful cadence of his heart, but I felt him nod. “The night I left I knew I’d lost the best thing in my life. I knew I’d lost everything. The job was first. I knew I couldn’t come back to you without one.” He laughed at himself, running a hand through his hair. “God, I sound like a deadbeat.”

I sat up quickly, facing him, letting him see the truth in my expression. “You’re not one. Nick, I never thought that. No matter what we fought over or how damaged we became, I never thought you were a deadbeat. I wanted to support your dreams. I did for as long as I could, but… but there came a point when I didn’t think you wanted it anymore. It felt like you were just hanging on to it because that was all you could think of. I saw so much potential in you, Nick. It destroyed me to see you give up.”

His hand, filled with callouses from his guitar, cupped my jaw. “I know that now. I didn’t then because I didn’t want to see it. I wanted to blame someone. I wanted to hurt someone. I wanted someone else to feel like I did. I’m sorry that was you. I will never let it happen again.”

Fresh tears filled my eyes. “I believe you.”

He swept the sweetest kiss on my lips and pulled back. We weren’t finished talking. “It wasn’t just the job. I, the, uh, the mediation was because of you too. I couldn’t let you go. Not even after you made it so clear you wanted nothing to do with me. I got the best lawyer I could and I made your life a living hell just to keep you from leaving me. I hired Ryan Templeton to drag out our divorce for as long as he could.”

I felt my stomach pick up out of my body and start spinning uncontrollably. I felt like I was on the steepest rollercoaster. I couldn’t catch my breath. “You didn’t really want the house?”

His voice pitched low, “I wanted the house… with you in it.” One corner of his mouth kicked up in a half-smile. “And I wanted the dog as long as you got her too. I wanted the TV and the kitchen table and the bed upstairs and whatever else I made that asshole lawyer fight with you about because they came attached to you. I couldn’t let you go, Kate. Until the other morning when I thought you would leave me anyway. I didn’t know what else to do besides give you what you wanted. But you should know that if you had gone through with it, I would have still belonged to you. You own me, Kate. You will always own me. You are my wife till death do us part.”

My heart swelled in my chest until I was certain it would burst. Until I knew I would die from happiness.

“Thank you,” I whispered. “Thank you for fighting for me.”

He pulled me against his chest again and I rested there. I gave up everything at that moment and just breathed in my husband.

He was right. He was mine. I was his. He owned me and I owned him.

Till death do us part.

We stayed there the rest of the afternoon and evening. We stayed there, on our couch and talked and talked and talked. We made more apologies. We made more promises. We decided to find a couple’s counselor that could help us through the next part of this journey. And we finally made love.

Right there on the couch.

Afterward, wrapped in the throw blankets from our living room, we ate a meal of cheese and crackers and ice cream. Then we walked hand in hand to our bedroom where we made love all over again.

This time when Nick wrapped me in his arms, I didn’t wake in a panic. I fell blissfully asleep in his arms and didn’t stir until morning.

And when we woke, we kissed without brushing our teeth. We held each other closely and made promises all over again.

It wouldn’t always be like this. Seven years of marriage had taught us that every day would be different, that life would throw us curve balls and we wouldn’t always get along. But our eyes were wide open now. We knew what we wanted. And that was each other.

He would drive me crazy and I would inevitably make him furious.

But he would also make me happier than I had ever been. He would also take care of me, adore me, love me. And I would love him in return. I would support him. And I would respect him.

We had a long way to go toward healing, but we were starting in the right place.

We were starting hand-in-hand and together.

And neither one of us would ever let go.

Chapter Twenty-Five

31. He loves me.

32. He will always love me.

“Are you finished?” Kara’s pretty red head poked in my doorway and she took in the room with lightning fast quickness. “You look finished.”

I stood up from a box I had been taping closed and stretched my back. “I think I am. Nick is going to pick me up and carry all this.”

She grinned at me, “Perks of having a good man.” I laughed and waggled my eyebrows at her. She stepped into the room completely. “This year went by so fast. I can’t believe it’s over.”

I smiled wryly, “I can. I’m ready for summer.” I sighed. “I’m ready to actually start summer.”

She rolled her eyes at me. “Why, Kate? It’s not like you have a job in the fall. What does it matter to you?”

I laughed as my hand landed gently on my slightly swollen belly. “I didn’t take you for the jealous type. I thought you had a purpose here.”

She stuck her tongue out at me. “Well, mostly my purpose is to annoy my parents. These hoodlums are a side effect of bad judgment and stubborn rebellion.”

“You’re such a liar. You love the kids here. And you’re only half serious about annoying your parents.”

“I’ll give you the kids. I do love the little monsters. But I’m serious about my parents. My life work is to drive them to their early graves and inherit their estate.”

I just shook my head. There was no arguing with her. “I am coming back,” I told her. “Maybe not right away… but I will be back. I can’t walk away from teaching forever.”

Her gray gaze found mine and glistened with unshed tears. “I know you will. You’re too good at what you do to give it up forever. You’ll just have to turn that endless inspiration on your own little ones now. They get to keep you for a while. As they should.”

Hearing the sorrow in her tone, I had to assure her. “Good thing they have their Auntie Kara to keep it real for them. I’ve been told I’m a little delusional with my optimism at times.”

She let out a bark of laughter, “Who told you that?”

“Mostly my students. The same ones I’m trying to inspire.”

She grinned at me. “You know, this is much better than being spinsters together. I probably would have eventually stabbed you with my crochet hook.”

“We would have made terrible spinsters,” I agreed. “We’re way too hot for cats.”

She snorted. “Because only ugly people have cats?”

“Oh, no. That’s not what I meant.”

She waved me off. “I know what you meant. Your secret hate for people with cats is safe with me.”

It was my turn to laugh. “Well, I am a dog person you know.”

“How could you not be? A dog saved your marriage and knocked you up.”

“The dog did not knock me up.”

She winked at me. “Not what I heard.”

I shook my head and joined her at the door. “I need to check my mailbox.”

She sighed. “I need to go fill out paperwork. Apparently your powers of inspiration worked better than usual. Jay Allen signed up for summer school.”

“Why?” I gasped. “His grade in my class was excellent. What classes does he have to retake?”

She leaned in as if she were telling a secret. “He’s not retaking anything, Kate. He’s taking as many AP classes as I’m going to let him. Apparently, he wants to get into a good school.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I am very serious.”

My smile was so big I practically glowed. Tears filled my eyes and I blamed hormones. I rarely cried under normal circumstances.

Just kidding.

“Good.” I finally said.

“Thought you’d be happy.” We reached the hall where her office was nestled next to the teachers’ lounge. “I’ll call you later, k? Andrea and I are planning a baby shower for you. I need your input.”

“Oh, my god, what is wrong with you?”

“It was her idea.”

“Kara, I’m not going through with that. You can’t make me. Besides, last I heard everyone thought I was a drama queen for calling off my divorce.”

She shot me a mischievous grin. “But now that you’re preggers they understand why you called off your divorce. You can’t raise a baby alone. Plus he got that nice job. Clearly you’re in it for the money.”

I groaned. “Do none of them realize there was no possible way for me to know I was pregnant when I called off the divorce? Or that I thought it was literally impossible for me to have a baby? Are they all morons?”

Her smile dimmed, “Every last one I’m afraid.”

“And these are people in charge of educating the future leaders of America. I’m actually afraid.” She laughed at me but didn’t argue. I turned to her and said seriously, “I don’t want to do the baby shower.”

“If only life was all about the things we want to do.”

“You are the worst guidance counselor ever.”

She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and disappeared into her office, throwing over her shoulder, “You don’t mean that. I saved your marriage!”

I couldn’t help but laugh. She was absolutely ridiculous.

And I loved her for it.

She might not have saved my marriage, but she definitely saved me when I thought my marriage was over.

Maybe she wasn’t the worst guidance counselor ever. That might have been a slight exaggeration.

I lifted my head and stumbled to a stop when I saw Eli Cohen watching me intently from the table beside our mailboxes. He was perched on the edge of it, with legs stretched out and ankles crossed. His arms were folded over his chest and his thick-framed glasses in place, hiding his eyes from me.

“Hello, Mr. Cohen,” I said, hoping for casual. We had never regained the friendship we’d lost after our inauspicious coffee date. Things had been strained and forced ever since.

It was strange to me because I thought our friendship had been real. But it was hard to sort out now since he had avoided me like the plague ever since he realized I wasn’t interested in him romantically.

And I honestly didn’t want to dissect it too much.

“Hi, Kate. How are you?” His smile was genuine, even as his gaze drifted to my small, round belly.

At the end of June, I was only three months along, but there was a small enough bump to make it clear that I was pregnant. The kids had been out of school for three weeks, but teachers still hung around, working on their classrooms or teaching summer school.

I was packing up my classroom, as I would be taking a couple years off. I had a baby to raise. A family to focus on.

A husband to let take care of me.

“I’m good,” I told him honestly. I allowed a smile and repeated, “I’m really good.”

“You look good, Kate.” His head tilted to indicate all of me. Just as I started to feel slightly uncomfortable, he added, “I’ve meant to tell you something, it’s just I’ve always felt a bit awkward about it. But, I wanted to say that I’m happy for you. I really am. I’m glad everything worked out with Nick. It was obvious you were never over him.”

My smile stayed in place. I felt his authenticity and I respected it. “Thank you, Eli. I appreciate that.”

“Good luck with the baby,” he added. “You’ll be a great mom.”

He stood up and strode from the room before I could say anything else. But I found that I didn’t really have anything else to say. It was nice to have that chapter closed, but it hadn’t been necessary.

I did hope the best for him, though. I hoped he could one day move on from his own heartbreak and find someone else. I hoped he could find someone that fit him, that loved him as much as he deserved.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. Nick was here. I texted to tell him to meet me in my classroom, then gathered the last papers from my mailbox.

I walked back to my room slowly, savoring the smell of metal lockers and floor polish. There was a mustiness that clung to the building that usually made me wrinkle my nose. But now I realized it smelled like school to me. This was how I would always define Hamilton.

And I knew I would miss it.

I had been here for nine years, just a little longer than I had been married. Unlike my marriage, though, it was time to close this door. It was time to move on.

For now.

I thought about Jay Allen and knew I would eventually be back. I couldn’t give this up forever. But for now, it was the right thing to do for my family.

I smiled to myself. God, it felt good to say that.

Nick and I had made so much progress over the last three months. Not because we were forcing it because of the baby, but because we both wanted progress. We both wanted to heal and create a safe, comfortable home for our little one.

We both wanted each other and this marriage and real, authentic happiness.

And finally, after everything that had happened, we had it.

In April, we had celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary. We had gone out to a nice dinner and shared a bottle of champagne at home. We had never been happier. Never more content to make something work. Never shared life that was so beautiful.

Two days later we found out I was pregnant.

Nobody had been more surprised than us when we found out about the baby. But nobody had been more overjoyed either.

We were seeing a counselor too. We wanted to heal from our past and move forward with the tools we needed to succeed. I taught my students that knowledge was power. Not because you could rule with it, but because it prepared you for the future and equipped you for whatever was to come.

I had taken that advice to heart and applied it to our marriage. We were growing closer and closer together every day, but there was still a lot of work to be done and neither Nick nor I knew what the future would hold.

We wanted to be prepared.

We wanted to be ready to stand side by side and face whatever the world threw at us together.

Sometimes I wondered if I fell in love with him for all the wrong reasons. But I also knew I had wanted to leave him for all the wrong reasons too.

The only thing that mattered now though was that I wanted to stay with him for the right reasons.

That we used those reasons to choose to love each other and choose to stay together no matter what obstacles we faced.

I loved him.

I would always choose to love him.

And he would do the same for me.

“What are you smiling about?” His voice drifted in from the doorway, where he leaned against the frame watching me.

“You,” I told him honestly. “Us.”

He walked toward me, a slow, prowling gait that gave me butterflies in all the right places. “Those are good things to smile about.” He reached me, swooping down to kiss my hands that rested on my belly. When he stood up again, his eyes shimmered with adoration, “That’s a good thing to smile about too.”

I leaned into him and wrapped my arms around his waist. His hands held me to him, one of them rubbing a soothing pattern over my back.

“Are you going to miss this place?” he asked gently.

I nodded against his chest. “Yes, eventually. But I’m going to love staying home too. At least for a little while.”

“I’m going to love you staying home too,” he chuckled. “You can make me lunch every day and iron my clothes.”

I pinched his nipple and made him yelp. “You can make your own lunch,” I scolded. “I will iron your clothes, though. It’s cheaper that way.”

He let out a bark of laughter. “It’s true. I get tired of buying new shirts every time I ruin one.”

“You’re a smart man, Nicholas. I don’t know why you can’t figure out an iron.”

I felt his smile when he pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “It’s just one of the many reasons I need you, Katie. Don’t ever leave me.”

I lifted my face to meet his gaze. “Never,” I promised.

He squeezed me tighter to him. “I love you.”

His words were powerful. So powerful I felt them in my very core, in the very heart of me. I felt them as something permanent and lasting. I felt them as an oath, an unerring truth… as the conviction I lived my life with.

He was my husband.

He loved me.

He would always love me.

That was reason enough for me to love him back.

“I love you too.”

He kissed me slowly, lazily and so not appropriate for school. Then he helped me pack up nine years of teaching and we drove home to start the next chapter of our lives.

Together.