Текст книги "Every Wrong Reason"

Автор книги: Rachel Higginson

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Текущая страница: 5 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

Chapter Six

13.   He stopped trying.

“Kara, what are we doing here?” I put my hand up against an invisible wall and told my feet to stop walking.

They didn’t listen.

Mainly because my best friend had a death grip on my bicep and I was afraid that if I stopped moving, she would rip my arm straight off my body.

“It’s hump day,” she tossed over her shoulder.

As if that explained everything.

“No, it’s Wednesday. And we have to work in the morning.” The neon lights over the bar flickered tellingly. They buzzed and blinked, clearly about to burn out. I stared up at them until I saw spots.

Kara made a disgruntled sound in the back of her throat. “Noooo, it’s hump day and we deserve a reward for making it to the middle of the week!”

Her overly bright tone disguised the raw frustration she felt. It had been a rough couple of weeks for both of us. There must have been something in the drinking water this year because our students were some of the hardest we had ever had to deal with.

I couldn’t do much more than fall face first on my couch after work most days. Grading papers only added to my stress, since most of my students thought they were either comedians or above the rules.

“Fine, let’s reward ourselves someplace else.” I stared at the rickety front door. The screen hung crooked on the hinges and loud music filtered through the murky screen. “Any place else.”

Her Skeletor grip loosened. “At least it’s not the alcohol you have a problem with.”

“Of course not,” I assured her. “In most every circumstance, I’m pro-alcohol.”

She glanced up at the hot pink sign. “Then what do you have against Starla’s?”

“Other than my first date with Nick was here? And that he sometimes still plays here? The bar is full of our co-workers.”

She paused, her tall pointed shoes settling precariously in the gravel lot. “I forgot he used to come here.” She didn’t mention Nick’s band because she rarely made it to a show. Kara tried very hard to be a free spirit, but the truth was her family had instilled high standards in her. Nick’s lack of a full-time job and real-world aspirations bothered her. She might not have been pro-divorce, but she certainly didn’t try to talk me out of it. “Are you afraid Nick is going to be in there?”

I chewed my bottom lip, struggling with the root of my fear. “Not really, no. It’s more the memory of this place. And our co-workers. I hate our co-workers.”

“Well, obviously. Everybody hates their co-workers.”

I wasn’t sure that was accurate, but it was true for me so I stayed silent. I shuffled my leather ankle boots and stared at the chalky gravel debris spread out at my feet. I wanted to be anywhere but here. But even the pissy people I worked with were better than going home to an empty house and the thoughts tumbling through my head. “I thought this would be easier,” I admitted.

She leaned forward until we were just a few inches apart. “You keep saying that, babe. It’s time to change your expectations. Then maybe it will get easier.”

Ignoring the sting of pain, I suppressed a smile because she was right. “Okay.”

“Okay to ‘Kara you’re brilliant and I should hire you as my life coach?’ Or okay to the skeezy bar where our middle-aged fellow teachers are currently getting shit-faced enough to karaoke?” She flashed a huge, toothy grin and resumed her bruising grip on my arm so she could tug me into the bar.

“You didn’t say anything about karaoke!” I choked on the thick musky air that smelled like stale beer and the remnants of burning cigarettes long extinguished. Smoking in restaurants and bars had been outlawed in Chicago, but places like this would forever hold the memories and lingering scent of when it had been legal.

The screen door slammed behind me and I felt it with a finality that reached my bones. I was here. And I was apparently staying.

And if Kara even hinted at the idea of karaoke, I would make her a fake Match.com account and set her up on dates with World of Warcraft gamers that still lived in their moms’ basements. So help me, god.

When Kara and I first started teaching at Hamilton, the faculty preferred to let their hair down at an establishment closer to school. An equally desolate dive bar, O’Connor’s had dollar drinks on Thursdays and STD’s living on the toilet seats. But it caught fire four years ago and the owners had decided to retire instead of rebuild. Anxious to impress my new friends, I had offered up Starla’s as an alternative. Nick and I had been coming here since college, Kara had been drafted in on non-live music nights and it was only a five-minute drive from school.

Walking in tonight, with Mr. Bunch, the art teacher, at the mic screaming out Tainted Love, I realized my mistake.

If we ever wondered why we had trouble relating to our students… this might be it.

The very reason.

“Let’s get a drink!” Kara shouted over Mr. Bunch’s shrieking warble.

“Please!”

She smiled at me, laughter dancing in her eyes and led the way through the crush of sweaty bodies and rickety tables. The polished wooden bar took up the length of one side of the main room. Two bartenders worked relentlessly to fill pint glasses and mix cocktails. I breathed a sigh of anticipation and tried not to dwell on how much I was planning to use alcohol as an emotional crutch tonight.

It’s Wednesday, I reminded myself.

I can’t teach with a hangover, I lectured.

Gimmegimme gimme, my brain chanted, ignoring every good and well-intentioned reason to stay sober.

Kara leaned over the counter and ordered two whiskey and diets. I could have kissed her when she handed me the sweating tumbler filled with dark liquid. I took a sip and closed my eyes against the burning coolness as it slid down my throat.

The cheap whiskey went straight to my head. I took another sip and the burn spread from my throat to my limbs, searing through my blood and making my fingers tingle. I opened my eyes and licked my already wet lips.

Sucking in a deep breath, I waded through the tension that knotted in my neck and tied my stomach in tangles. I wouldn’t really medicate with alcohol, but it was tempting. It was tempting to do anything to get rid of these feelings, these doubts and fears. This pain and self-involved misery.

“He’s watching you,” Kara announced in my ear.

I became instantly alert, my eyes scanning the crowd for Nick. “Who?”

“Eli,” she answered happily. “He’s near the stage!”

Eli. I shook my head. I wasn’t expecting that. Or him. Or for Kara to notice. I found him across the room, sitting at a small table with one of our co-workers. His usually-tamed hair was tousled and wild, his glasses tucked away out of sight. He didn’t bother to turn away. He kept his dark eyes trained right on me.

Something warm burst to life in my belly. I fidgeted uncomfortably on my low heels and tried not to give myself away.

“Let’s go over there,” Kara yelled.

I could hear the smile in her voice, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“God, you’re such a party pooper tonight!”

I tore my gaze from Eli’s and met my best friend’s. “He’s hot, Kara.”

Her smile returned. “I know, right!”

I shook my head. I could feel the fear throw cold water all over the whiskey’s delicious heat. “I don’t know what to do with this.”

Her shoulders rose with her deep breath, preparing her for battle. “Don’t do anything with it, Kate. Just talk to him. Just be normal.”

“I haven’t admitted another guy’s hot-”

She frantically waved her hands in front of my face. “And you’re not going to now! I’m not asking you to go tell Eli what you think of him. I’m just asking you to have a conversation. I want you to try to relax. I want you to try to be Kate again.”

“I should go home.”

“You should have another drink and remember what it’s like to be single.”

If anyone else had said that to me, I would have turned around and left. I could be obnoxiously stubborn. Contrary just to be contrary.

But this wasn’t anyone else. This was the person I trusted most in life. This was my friend that only wanted what was best for me.

And I knew I was making too big of a deal out of this. There wasn’t any harm in a conversation. I could talk to Eli, just like I did at school the other day.

Just to be sure, I downed my drink and ordered another one. It was one thing to freak out in front of Kara. Eli didn’t need to see my neurosis.

Er, any more of my neurosis.

We pushed through the crowded tables to the other side of the bar. It seemed like the entire faculty had come out tonight. Mrs. Patz, the school librarian, had made it on stage to perform a duet with Mrs. Chan, the geography teacher. I had never heard Cher sung quite like that before.

When I finally reached Eli’s table, my eyes were wide and a smile danced in the corners of my mouth. It must have been a rough week for all of us.

That was the only explanation I could come up with for all of this… insanity.

This musical insanity.

Eli scooted down a chair so I could sit next to him. The gym teacher and assistant football coach, Kent Adams, made room for Kara. Kent was single and young and had a crush on Kara. They had been on a date before, but she claimed lack of chemistry.

I knew the truth. She was scared.

Kara was my opposite. I fell in love on the second date and got married the year after I graduated college. Kara refused to let anyone get that close to her. Her defenses were thicker than the Great Wall of China. She let very few people in.

I was one of the lucky ones.

Kent was cool though and he’d always been nice to me. I wished– silently, of course, because I valued not having my hair ripped out– that she’d give him a chance.

Eli leaned in with a crooked half-smile. “Hey.”

I bit my bottom lip to keep from smiling wider. “Hey.”

“Did you get your name on the list?” His head tilted toward the stage.

“It was the first thing I did when I walked in.”

His smile widened and straight, white teeth winked at me from behind his full lips. “Liar,” he teased. “You walked straight to the bar.”

I took a sip of my new drink and felt a blush spread out on both of my cheeks. I blamed the alcohol. “And you didn’t?”

“Of course I did,” he chuckled. “This has been a shit week.”

I nodded and took a deep breath. The cops had been called yesterday after two kids beat the shit out of each other during lunch. Today someone pulled the fire alarm and interrupted second period. That was on top of all of the other day-to-day drama this year seemed filled with.

“You are not wrong,” I agreed.

We sat silently while new teachers took the stage. The beginning notes to Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing came on and I took a quick drink to hide my excitement.

Eli’s breath brushed over my neck. “I saw that.” His low voice rumbled in my ear.

I looked up at him from beneath my eyelashes and asked innocently, “Saw what?”

“You like this song,” he accused.

“Everybody likes this song!” My defense was ruined with laughter. “It’s maybe the most likable song in the history of songs.”

His dark eyes lit up, glittering in the dim lights of the dingy bar. “Did you want to join them? I’m sure we could find you a mic.”

“Just a small town girl,” I mouthed to him. “Living in a lonely world.” I held my tumbler to my lips, gripping it dramatically. “She took the midnight train goin’ anywhere!”

Eli’s head tipped back as he laughed out loud. “What will it take to get you to do that on stage?”

“A million dollars and your first born child.”

“You drive a hard bargain, but it might be worth it.” He leaned closer again and I inhaled his cologne. My stomach flipped and a shiver skittered down my back. “Would you like me to sign that contract with blood? Or will a regular old pen work.”

“Blood, if you please.”

I expected something witty and charming, but instead his laughter died and his expression turned serious. “It’s nice to see you smiling again, Kate. It looks good on you.”

My blush turned into a blanket of tomato-red and I wanted to press my ice-cold glass against my cheek. “Thank you,” I whispered.

“Is there room?”

My head snapped up and I forced a smile on my face. Our private moment was interrupted by more co-workers. I could feel Kara’s glare across the table, but I couldn’t look at her or I would burst into laughter.

Andrea Turner and Meg Halston joined our group, dragging chairs with them. Eli and I were forced apart so they could squeeze between us.

I took a long drink and braced myself for two of the most annoying people I had ever met. Andrea and Meg worked in the office. Meg was the school nurse and Andrea worked at the front desk. They were both in their late thirties and the center of the gossip control tower at Hamilton.

I had never gotten along with Andrea. She had been snide with me from day one and I had no reason to try and get on her good side. I avoided her as much as I could, especially after I’d overheard her tell Meg that Nick left me because I was as frigid in the bedroom as I was in the classroom.

“Sure,” Eli answered politely.

I had no idea if he genuinely liked these two or if he was just being polite, but I could barely restrain my cat claws. I focused on finishing my second drink and scrolling through my phone to see if I needed to download the Uber app to get home.

“I can’t stand these bitches,” Kara grumbled in my ear.

“Me either,” I agreed.

“Where’s your hubby?” The obnoxious voice grated on my nerves until I realized Andrea was talking to me. Then it went from grating to stabbing and I wanted to flee.

I lifted my chin and met her calculating gaze. “Me?” I asked pointlessly.

I tried not to hate Andrea just because she had perfect hair that fell in shiny, curled waves to her shoulders and a tiny nose and porcelain skin. She looked like a Barbie doll. Even her boobs were over proportioned.

I glanced down at my chest and tried not to wince. Boobs were not a legitimate reason to hate someone.

Right?

Sure. Right.

No, she had way worse qualities than perfect looks. Her personality was absolutely unforgivable.

“We’re not together anymore,” I answered lamely. “You know that.”

She canted her head at me and laughed. “Do I?”

I cleared my throat and willed a waiter to come over by the sheer power of my desperate need for another drink.

Andrea let the awkward silence drag on for a few more painful moments before she cemented her place in hell and said, “That’s too bad, Kate. He was a catch.”

“Let’s get more drinks!” Kara shouted.

Thank god for best friends.

I stood up so quickly, I almost knocked my chair backward. Kara caught it with her panther-like reflexes and then we escaped to the bar.

“Shots!” she shouted at the bartender. “We need shots!”

“Of what?” He raised his eyebrows at us, amused curiosity dancing in his expression.

“Something strong,” Kara threw back.

“Something painful!” I added.

The young bartender’s face lit with laughter. “You got it.” He looked between us and clarified, “Two?”

“Two,” I answered immediately. I saw Kara’s eyes flicker back to the table and there was no way in hell I would let her take shots back to Andrea to prove just how pathetic I was. No doubt, she already knew. I didn’t need to advertise this shit.

The bartender poured two tiny glasses of gasoline, I mean, cheap tequila and handed them over. For a half second, I deliberated asking for a lime, but I couldn’t waste any more time. I picked up the clear liquid and slammed it down, sputtering through the worst of the burn.

“Oh, god,” I groaned.

“I might puke,” Kara winced. “I’m not kidding. That was really bad.”

“Another!” I shouted at the bartender.

He looked at me like I was absolutely crazy, the good fun draining away, replaced with concern. I wagged my finger between Kara and me and looked at him expectantly.

“Alright,” he mumbled. This time he pulled out something a little smoother and handed us limes to go with them.

Kara and I slammed the second set of shots and bit down on our limes to ease the fire.

“I hate mean girls,” Kara hissed after we’d acclimated to the new burn of alcohol.

“I hate divorce.”

She laid her hand on my shoulder sympathetically, but there was nothing else to say.

The rest of the night went on like that. Eli and Kent came over to talk to us after a while and we laughed over another round of tequila shots. Worse karaoke and more gossip continued, but mostly there was relaxing.

I avoided Andrea and Meg as often as I could and let Eli entertain me with his funny stories and witty sarcasm.

I wasn’t used to a man’s focus. And I really wasn’t used to a man like Eli, a man that paid attention to what I said. A man that paid attention to me.

“It’s late,” I said after blinking at my phone. Kent had convinced Kara to dance with him and Eli and I had been left alone. I leaned against the sticky bar, knowing I wouldn’t be able to stand very long without its support. “I’m going to be worthless tomorrow.”

Eli gave me his half smile, “Do you want a ride home?”

I hadn’t seen him drink anything but water for the last two hours, so I hoped that meant he was sober. “Are you sure?”

He nodded. “It would be my pleasure.”

“Let me grab Kara.”

His gaze moved to the dance floor and when it came back to me, it was unreadable. But then again, that could have been the booze.

I retrieved my friend from the dance floor. She came willingly, but I could tell I took her from a good time. She was more relaxed than usual and I hated interrupting her. But we did have to be at school bright and early in the morning and our sanities were still salvageable if we left now.

Eli led the way out to his pickup truck. My eyesight was a little blurry, but I couldn’t stop from smiling at the rusted wheel caps and faded paint. Eli’s old Chevy just seemed to fit him in a way I couldn’t explain. It was old, but it was also comfortable and full of character.

He held the door open for us and Kara nudged me in first. I tried not to fumble too much as I slid into the middle seat. Kara climbed up after me and Eli slammed the door shut. My ears rang in the new silence, damaged from the calamity of the bar. I slumped against the bench seat, the rough fabric scratching the backs of my knees and realized exactly how tired I was.

Eli climbed into the driver’s seat, filling the cab with his cologne and the light tang of sweat. His warm thigh pressed into mine and I was too tipsy to feel self-conscious. I let my leg rest against his and felt the heat of his body to the tips of my toes.

That small touch kept me more alert than I should have been with the alcohol swimming in my blood. His touch did all kinds of things to my head, including keeping me silent. Eli and Kara talked on the way to her house, but I couldn’t find the courage to open my mouth.

It was stupid. Completely stupid. That small connection should mean nothing. I shouldn’t even be worried about Eli’s leg pressed against mine. And yet, it was the most intimate I had ever been with someone else since I met Nick. I had never been this forward with another man. Ever. I didn’t need to be.

And the entire ride to Kara’s apartment I fought a war between excitement and shame. The thrill of my attraction to Eli fought seven years of loyalty to my husband. I didn’t know whether to grin like an idiot or puke.

Finally, we dropped Kara off and I broke the contact between us, sliding to the passenger’s side. I gave Eli my address with a shaking voice. I couldn’t look at him anymore. I had crossed some invisible barrier tonight that I had set up myself.

I was too confused and too infused with alcohol to know if the buzzing in my veins was celebration or sorrow. And I was too tired to care.

“I had fun hanging out with you tonight, Kate,” Eli’s low rumble floated in the warm air of the cab.

This time my smile came easily and I stopped worrying about all of the rules I broke tonight or the consequences of my actions. “I had fun hanging out with you, too.”

I felt his eyes on me, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. “You going to be okay to get inside?” he asked gently.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

We sat silently until it became a little awkward, until I knew I should move.

I had just touched the handle when Eli’s voice stopped me. “Kate?”

This time I dragged my gaze to his. “Yeah?”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

I smiled slowly. “I might not look this pretty, but yeah, I’ll be there.”

His lips tipped up into a flirtatious smile. “I’m looking forward to it, pretty or not.”

I left his truck with a smile on my face, a smile that didn’t leave until I had let myself into my dark house, a smile that stayed in place until after I’d brushed my teeth and climbed into my bed with Annie curled up next to me.

It was then that my smile slowly disappeared… that it turned into a frown as I stared up at the still ceiling fan and spread my body out on a bed I had shared with my husband in a house we bought together.

I expected to fall asleep quickly, but I tossed and turned until the alcohol wore off and my eyes hurt from unshed tears.

Eli was a distraction from the truth of my misery. Eli was fun to flirt with and divert my single-minded attention, but he didn’t fix the problems inside me. He didn’t solve my broken marriage or my heartbreaking divorce.

When I finally fell asleep, I thought I had done so sober. So when I woke up in the morning and found a new text message on my phone, nobody was more surprised than me.

Nick had texted: Me too.

I was confused until I saw the text sent directly before that one… the one sent from me at three in the morning. This is killing me.