Текст книги "Every Wrong Reason"

Автор книги: Rachel Higginson

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Текущая страница: 15 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

Chapter Twenty-One

28. I can’t do this on my own.

Spring came overnight. One day I thought my toes would fall off if I stepped outside my house and the very next day the sun rose warm, bright and ready to melt every ounce of snow from Illinois.

It was amazing.

I had never been more ready for a change of seasons. This winter had been the darkest, gloomiest yet and I didn’t think I could survive much more of it.

Thank god, I didn’t have to.

The beginning of March brought all kinds of hope and anticipation for what was to come. I felt my heart swell in my chest and my spirits pick themselves up off the filthy ground. It was a new day, a new dawn and if I had the voice of an angel like Michael Bublé, I would have sung the shit out of it.

Instead, I decided to take Annie for a walk after school. I wore rain boots so we could stomp through melting piles of snow. She loved every second of it. I knew I would have to bathe her as soon as we got home, but we’d been cooped up in the house for so long that I didn’t care.

We just needed to breathe freely and move our winter-atrophied appendages.

Walking was beyond therapeutic. I didn’t just have cabin fever from being indoors for months; I had it from being in my own skin… in my own head. I was exhausted from myself.

But today felt different. The end of the school year was in sight, the end of my divorce was too. Maybe.

Hopefully.

And tomorrow was my birthday. Thirty-one.

I nearly had a meltdown when I turned thirty. I couldn’t stand the idea of aging into a new decade. I wasn’t ready to let go of my twenties and the youthfulness they represented. Thirties seemed too mature for me. Too grown up.

But Nick had been the one that made it amazing. He’d given me bouquets of thirty things all day long. He kept having them delivered to my classroom until my desk had overflowed and I had to set things along the windowsill.

Thirty pink roses. Thirty cans of Diet Coke. Thirty Snickers Bars. Thirty brand new red Sharpies. Thirty dollars for my Kindle. Thirty dollars to Garmans Deli. Thirty packs of my favorite gum.

I had to make three trips out to the car to carry it all, but he was at home to help me haul it all inside. Then he’d taken me to a bar called Thirty and Clover. The food had been awful and we’d laughed about it all night. He had leaned over the table at the end of the night and said, “See? Thirty isn’t so bad.”

The next day we’d fought about something stupid. I couldn’t remember what it was now. But I knew we didn’t speak to each other for four days.

Two months later I demanded a divorce.

Annie and I walked around the corner of our block. I could see our cute house, up a little hill. The grass had started to peak out from beneath the melting piles of snow. It was still dead and brown, but at least I could see it.

It felt like hope.

It felt like change.

Mrs. Dunn was outside getting her mail and I stopped to talk to her. I hadn’t seen her in months. She was an elderly woman. Most of the people on our street were elderly or young parents with wild kids running everywhere. There wasn’t much in between.

 “Hi, Mrs. Dunn.” I smiled at her and paused on the sidewalk. The leash hung loosely in my fingertips while Annie skipped around Mrs. Dunn’s pink velour jogging suit.

“Hi, Kate.” She bent over to pat Annie on the head. “Hi, pretty girl. Out for a walk?”

“It’s so nice today. We couldn’t resist.” Across the street, young kids bounded into their driveway with a basketball.

“Seems like everybody needs to get out of the house today,” Mrs. Dunn smiled across the street at the children playing. “Do you know the Jacksons? Nice family. The kids are sweet.” She gave me a sideways glance, “Loud, but sweet.”

I couldn’t help but smile. Mrs. Dunn thought the mailman was too loud.

I looked across the street as the basketball hit the rim of the hoop and bounced backward. It rolled off the end of the driveway and into the street. I watched in horror as the littlest girl ran for the ball just as a car came zooming down the street, way too fast for a neighborhood.

I threw my hands up to warn her to stop, but her older brother grabbed the back of her shirt just in time. I sucked in a gasping breath because my nightmare wasn’t over.

When I’d panicked about the little girl, I dropped the leash. Annie had raced into the street to get the ball. The car saw her, but couldn’t stop soon enough and my poor little Annie girl was caught under the tire.

I watched it all in a slow-motion nightmare. The car couldn’t get out of the way fast enough. I heard her pained yelp and leaped into motion. I followed her into the street, scooping her up in my arms as I sunk to my knees on the damp, cold pavement. She was filthy from our walk and soaking wet. Blood mingled with her wet, dirty fur, turning it a sickly brown color.

I sunk my fingers into her sticky coat, beyond terrified that she had died, that the monster in the car had killed her. Her little lungs trembled with the effort to breath. They shook in her small chest while her head rolled listlessly in my arms.

I ripped off her leash and the new collar Nick had bought her. I couldn’t figure out where she was bleeding from or what exactly was wrong with her. My mind spun and spun and spun and all I could do was panic. I was useless. Stupid. Completely hysterical. Nothing but terror and dread.

I could barely see her through my tears. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I needed to do something. I had to do something. But what? Not my Annie.

Please, not my Annie.

Please please please please.

I needed Nick. Oh, god. Nick would know what to do.

The driver got out of his murder machine and tried to talk to me, but I was too frantic to make sense of anything he said. Mrs. Dunn tried to intervene, but even she couldn’t translate my panic-stricken sobs.

Poor Annie just kept whimpering and twitching in my arms as I held her tightly to my chest.

I rocked her as gently as I could. I couldn’t let her die. The rational part of my brain told me to move, told me to get up and do something. But the fear of losing the one thing left that loved me so completely was too heavy. Too consuming.

“Kate, who can I call?” Mrs. Dunn’s voice slowly penetrated through my haze of panic. “Kate, we need to call someone.”

“Nick,” I gasped. “I need to call Nick.” I reached into the pocket of my coat with my clean hand and with shaking fingers I punched the right buttons.

I cooed to Annie as I waited for him to answer. Please pick up. Please, please, please pick up.

Finally, on the second try, he answered. “Hello?”

“Nick,” I cried. “It’s Annie!”

“Kate?” He sounded so confused, but I needed him to get this. Now.

“She’s been hit by a car,” I sobbed.

“Wait, what? Annie’s been hit by a car?”

“Yes!” My voice was a wretched sob from my chest. Annie winced again and my tears fell faster.

“Is she alive?”

“Barely.”

“Where are you?” His tone changed from fear to decision in a second. I closed my eyes against a fresh wave of tears. These ones were relief. I knew he would take charge. I knew he would know what to do.

“I’m in front of our house. It just happened. I don’t… I don’t know what to do.”

He cursed under his breath. “It’s five-thirty, it will take me forty-five minutes to get to you with traffic. Is there someone there that can drive you? I can meet you at the vet.”

I looked up at Mrs. Dunn. “Can you drive me to the veterinarian? It’s only ten minutes away. Nick can meet me there.”

“Of course, I can,” she said quickly. I noticed her exchanging information with the stranger, but I couldn’t even look at him.

He’d nearly killed Annie. I hated him. I didn’t care that it was an accident. I couldn’t stand the sight of him.

I knew I would eventually calm down, but I couldn’t right now. I needed to know she would be okay first.

“Mrs. Dunn’s going to take me,” I told Nick with a more level voice. But then it broke when I asked in a ragged whisper, “Promise you’ll come?”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can, Katie. I swear.”

“Thank you.”

“Go,” he ordered. “Get her some help.”

“Tell me it’s going to be okay,” I cried. “Tell me she’s going to be okay.”

His voice pitched low with sincerity and promise. “Kate, everything is going to be okay.”

I stood up and followed Mrs. Dunn because I believed him.

–

An hour later I had been banished to the vet waiting room and my tears had turned into sickening panic that crushed my insides and turned everything into mucky goo.

God, I was a mess.

But I could not lose Annie. I could not.

The vet hadn’t given me good news, but he hadn’t given bad either. I looked around the bright waiting room and blinked against the utter whiteness of it.

We had been coming here since we first got Annie. A buddy of Nick’s from his work told us about it. The Animal Doctor was run by a gray-haired man in his late sixties. Dr. Miller had the kind of smile that reminded me of a horse, all big teeth and long face. But he had always done a phenomenal job with our puppy. His daughter worked here too, the second-generation veterinarian that would presumably take over the practice. She soothed my frayed nerves when I couldn’t stop staring at her dad’s shaking hands.

She’d wrapped her ice-cold fingers around my forearm and smiled patiently. “Annie’s in good hands,” she promised. “We’ll take care of her.”

She had walked me to the receptionist who had asked if there was someone she could call for me.

“My husband’s on his way,” I had explained. It hadn’t felt like a lie. It hadn’t even felt weird. Nick was still my husband. Maybe not for much longer. But today I needed him in his husband role.

Besides, I wasn’t sure if there was a family only policy. I didn’t want him to be banned from seeing Annie.

Did they do that here?

My head swam and I plunked down on the white plastic waiting room chair. White had always seemed like a bizarre choice for a place animals trotted into on a daily basis. And this wasn’t just any white. It wasn’t off-white or dull-white or faded-white. This was white white. The kind of white that reminded me of bleached teeth and black lights.

How did they get it this white?

How did they keep it this white?

“Kate?” Nick was suddenly kneeling in front of me, his warm hands gentle and comforting on my thighs. “How are you holding up?”

I swallowed roughly and stared into his ocean blue eyes. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t say the words. I shook my head in a frightened way and a few more fresh tears slipped out.

“Come here,” he murmured, pulling me against his solid chest.

I threw my arms around his neck and didn’t let go, even when he wobbled unsteadily. He caught us, pulling me to my feet so we could press against each other.

One of his arms wrapped around my waist and held me tightly to him, while his other hand palmed my nape, his fingers trailing through my hair. I buried my face against his neck and trembled against him.

“Can you tell me what happened?” His voice was a low rumble that cascaded over my skin like a warm caress. I felt his chest vibrate with his words and the flex of his fingertips against my side.

Pieces of me that had started to fragment, to break off and float away like I was some kind of shipwrecked rocket in space, found purchase in the gravity of Nick’s presence. All of these scarred, jagged splinters returned to their home and I became whole once more.

“We went for a walk,” I sniffled. “I stopped to talk to Mrs. Dunn and wasn’t paying attention. There was a basketball and she ran out to chase it, but… but there was a car… and-” My explanation died on a hiccupped sob.

Nick understood the gist of it anyway. He squeezed me tighter. His strong arms encased me in a protective shield that promised everything would be all right. We fit so perfectly together. His body was just tall enough to tower over mine in just the right way. I could tuck my arms under his or reach up and wrap them around his neck and either way was comfortable. When we lay in bed, his body could cover my back perfectly. His legs were just long enough to entwine with mine and make me feel tiny. His arms were the perfect length to hold me against him.

I had never really noticed before, at least not in this complete, awestruck way.

If I left this man, would I ever find another body so suited to mine? We were like puzzle pieces in the way we came together. And I didn’t know if I would ever fit into another puzzle.

Maybe I didn’t want to.

“Has the doctor said anything?”

I closed my eyes at the sound of his voice. It was as anguished as I felt. I knew he had stopped by to walk Annie whenever he could since we broke up. I knew he wanted to take her from me in the divorce settlement. But I had never really believed how attached to the dog he’d gotten.

I always thought he was trying to torture me.

“No. Nothing.”

“But she wasn’t already dead, right? They’re trying to save her.”

I nodded. “They’re trying. She was so weak, though. God, Nick, she seemed to be barely hanging on. You should have heard her. She could barely breathe and her little body was just limp.”

We stood there silently for a long time. Neither of us was willing to let the other go. I didn’t know what would have happened to me if Nick hadn’t been there to hold me together. I would have completely fallen apart. I would not have been able to survive the interminable waiting and minutes that stretched on like hours.

The waiting room became too bright so I closed my eyes, knowing I was safe in Nick’s arms… knowing he would keep me in one piece.

After a long time of silence, I pulled back from Nick. I wanted his comfort still, but my arms had started to fall asleep and my legs were tired. My hands trailed down his chest and he caught them by the wrists over his heart. His blue eyes pierced mine, searching for something or maybe just making sure I was okay to stand on my own.

He leaned forward and I inhaled him again, breathing in his skin. He pressed a delicate kiss to the corner of my eye and then as if he couldn’t help himself, to the corner of my lips.

When he released me, I felt like I’d cut off my arm. I wanted to throw myself on top of him. I wanted to weep in his arms, make him promise to never let go of me again.

Annie, my rational mind whispered. You’re just worried about Annie.

The dog had me too emotional. I felt like I was losing every single thing I had ever loved or cared about. I felt like it was my fault she was here and that Nick and I were in the place we were. I felt like I poisoned anything I touched, destroyed it with a look, killed it just by caring for it.

I argued with my emotions. They were overly sensitive because of the crisis. These things were not true. They couldn’t be.

I pulled back completely and slunk back into one of the waiting room chairs. The hard plastic dug into my spine and the backs of my thighs. I shifted, frustrated with the discomfort. “Did you come from work?”

Nick took the seat next to me and turned his whole body to face me. “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry I made you leave.”

“You didn’t,” he said immediately. “I wanted to come.”

“Can you leave whenever you want? Or, uh, um, tell me about your new job.”

His stare unsettled me, it was too intense, too absorbed in me. When his tongue dragged over his lower lip in concentration, I had to remind myself to swallow.

“I have set office hours, but if I need to leave, like today, I can. My boss is pretty cool with stuff like this.”

“And the scouting stuff? Is that part of your office hours?”

His smile was brief, but for a second it was there. “Yes, in a way. They’re considered mandatory, but nobody at the studio would turn them down. The shows I check out are in addition to what we do during the day, though.”

“That sounds busy. Does it ever get exhausting? Do you get tired of music?”

He leaned forward. “Come on, you know me better than that.”

I felt my lips tip up in a small smile. “Yeah, but how many shows do you have to go to a week? They can’t all be ready to sign.”

This time he chuckled and the waiting room suddenly seemed yellowed and dingy compared to his blinding brightness. “They’re not. So far I’ve only brought one band into the studio that I’ve thought could have some potential. And I’ve seen a lot of bands over the last few months. But we try not to do more than two shows a week. There’s a handful of scouts so we try to spread it around some. We have bands that we track down ourselves, but then there are some that request for us to come out and some that are brought to us through recommendation. Those we can pick and choose from.”

“Very cool.”

His eyes narrowed and his smile disappeared. “You don’t sound convinced.”

“I am! Really. I’m just tired from…” I gestured at the waiting room. “Seriously, Nick, I’m so happy for you. This sounds like the coolest job for you.”

“It is.” His palms spread out on his thighs and he pushed them down his jeans, reaching his knees with nervous energy. “It’s like a dream job, seriously.”

“Really? But what happened to the band?”

He canted his head thoughtfully. “I’m too old, I think.”

“You are not. Oh, my god. You’re thirty. That’s hardly ancient.”

“Thirty-one,” he corrected.

I swallowed, remembering his birthday too late. It had been last month. Valentine’s Day. I had never had a problem remembering in the past, but this year I had been too wrapped up in feeling alone and pathetic to think of anyone else.

Did it matter that I forgot his birthday? Was I supposed to remember? No, right?

We weren’t together anymore. His birthday happiness wasn’t one of my obligations anymore.

I glanced at the door that led back to the operating room and wondered what was taking them so long. Fix her, damn it.

Nick’s voice pulled me back to our conversation. “I just think… I honestly think I’m better at this. It’s like I found myself. I thought I knew who I was or what I wanted before, but it wasn’t until I stepped into the studio that I really figured it all out. I belong there. I’ve always belonged with music, but this is the how and why of it.”

“Nick, that’s amazing.” My words came out in a breathless whisper and I knew I was close to crying again. I blinked away hot tears and struggled to hold myself together. I hated that this bothered me, that he’d found this huge thing, discovered parts of him he hadn’t known, while he was away from me. I hated that I had nothing to do with it. “I’m so happy for you.”

His smile was small, nervous. His thumb and first finger tugged on his earlobe. “Kate, I-”

But I would never know what he wanted to say. Dr. Miller, the second, younger, female Dr. Miller, pushed through the swinging door and stepped into the waiting room. “She’s going to be okay,” she announced and I nearly crumpled to the floor after just standing to hear the news.

Nick caught me by the waist and anchored me in place. Dr. Miller smiled sympathetically at me and gestured for us to sit down again.

She walked over to us, her stubby heels clicking against the tiled floor. “She has two broken ribs and a broken toe. We had to give her stitches over her eye and on her side, but she’s going to make it.”

I mumbled something unintelligible so Nick took over and thanked her for us.

“We’ll need to keep her overnight for observation, but we might be able to send her home tomorrow. We’ll call you in the morning after we know more.”

Nick’s hand landed on my shoulder, squeezing it. “Can we see her?” he asked. “Just for a minute?”

“She’s still asleep from surgery,” Dr. Miller warned. “But you can see for yourself that she’s still alive. I know how scary losing a loved one is.”

I was sure she did. But the possibility of losing Annie felt like the absolute worst kind of pain. I couldn’t believe that anyone loved his or her pet as much as I did. Nobody else would feel it this acutely.

Nick grabbed my hand and pulled me after Dr. Miller. We followed her back to the post-op room where Annie was laid out on a metal table. Her fur had been cleaned everywhere and shaved where she needed stitches. Her middle was wrapped tightly. Her rounded chest moved up and down, stuttering a little in between her shallow breaths.

“It’s hard for her to breathe right now,” Dr. Miller explained. “But that will heal.”

Nick asked some logistical questions about home care while I walked to her side and gently trailed my fingertips over her plush ear. “Hi, baby girl,” I whispered. Tears sprang up in my eyes and fell before I could stop them. “I’m so sorry.” She made a whimpering noise and lifted her nose as if she could smell me. I spread my fingers out on her back and buried them in the thick softness of her fur.

Nick sidled up to me, pressing his chest into my side. He reached out and covered my hand with his. “You’re a tough one, Annie girl,” he murmured. “Small but fierce.”

The sincerity in his voice did something inside me. It felt like a wrecking ball as it crashed through my system, upheaving everything I thought I knew about life, love and living.

“You didn’t drive here, did you?” he asked me. His fingers moved over mine, stroking gently. I didn’t know if he was caressing Annie or me.

“Mrs. Dunn dropped me off.”

“Come on, then,” he murmured. His lips were right at my ear when he said, “I’ll give you a ride home.”

He took my hand and led me to the receptionist desk. I stood there dumbly while he filled out some paperwork and handed over his credit card. There was some small part of me that suggested I object to this. I should pay for this, right? I wasn’t even sure what exactly he was paying for.

I realized I didn’t have my wallet, though. I only had my cellphone and house keys. My purse was still at home.

Nick finished up with the receptionist and led me outside. The late afternoon had turned to dusky evening. The breeze had chilled again and the wet puddles of melted snow were starting to freeze.

I shivered against the change of weather. My jacket wasn’t enough to keep out the chill.

Nick noticed immediately, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and pulling me against his body. I loved the feel of his skin through his cotton shirt. I loved the hardness to his body, the lean muscle he worked so hard to keep. I loved that this was so familiar, that this was what I needed.

We reached his old Subaru Forester and I couldn’t help but smile. His car was even older than mine and had a bajillion miles on it. It was actually a decently reliable car, but it was just so old. He had always threatened that once it died for good, he was going to buy an old conversion van for the band.

Thank God it had never come to that while we were still together.

He opened the door for me and I climbed into the achingly familiar cab. I settled back in my seat and inhaled the scent that was his car, that was him, that was him in his car and years and years of memories.

He walked around the front and climbed in next to me. With a sly grin, he asked, “Did you miss her?”

I found myself smiling back. “I think I did.”

He looked forward again and started the car. The radio was on softly and he pointed to it, “This is a band I’m thinking about going to listen to.”

I sat quietly while the haunting sound filled the car. The girl had one of those instantly memorable voices, smoky, sexy and ethereal all at the same time. The instrumentation was incredibly good as well. There was something missing, though.

Nick noticed and said, “They need drums. And they need to grow up a little. But they’re good.”

“They are good,” I agreed.

I felt his eyes on me, but I couldn’t look at him. A sudden strong punch of sorrow hit my gut and I didn’t know how to recover from it.

I realized this was the only glimpse of Nick’s new life I would get. I gave him up. I gave this up. We would never talk music again. I wouldn’t get to go to shows with him anymore or listen to bands he wanted to go see. I wouldn’t get to hear him play his guitar or make up new lyrics to songs on the radio– usually about something dirty.

I wouldn’t get to see him live out this new leg of his life. I wouldn’t see him in his dream job or where it would take him. I would miss it all.

I was choosing to miss it all.

He pulled into the driveway and I couldn’t let the night end. I couldn’t let him leave me. I wasn’t ready for it yet. The car idled quietly. He was waiting for me to get out.

“Have you eaten anything?”

He turned to face me. I couldn’t look at him, but I felt the intensity of his expression, the raw concentration in his gaze. “I haven’t.”

I tilted my head and my gaze fell on his long fingers wrapped around the bottom of the steering wheel. “Do you want to come in? The least I could do is feed you.”

His voice dropped low and rough. “I’m not hungry.”

I licked my dry lips. “Come in anyway.”