Текст книги "Every Wrong Reason"

Автор книги: Rachel Higginson

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 9 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

“You needed to-”

“I don’t want to fight with you, Nick. I just wanted to let you know. It was a courtesy call.” But had it been? Why had I needed to call him so desperately?

“It’s only been six months,” he shot back. His voice was firm this time, resolute. “Kate, give it some more time.”

I ignored his plea. “If we file together... amicably then it makes the whole process easier and-”

“I’m not going to do that.”

I was so shocked by the dominance in his voice I had to sit down. “Wh-what?”

“Go ahead and do what you want, but I’m not going to file amicably.”

“Why not?”

“It doesn’t matter why. You just need to know that I’m not going to.”

I had no idea what to say to that. I was more confused than ever. Was he trying to be a pain in the ass? Was he trying to make this as difficult as possible?

Obviously.

But why? Just to piss me off? Or did he actually feel entitled to more than what fifty-fifty would get him?

Or was Kara right? Did he really not want to go through with this?

I fumbled, trying to think of something to say, “Well, you should probably get a lawyer then.”

His reply was crisp and direct. “I have a lawyer.”

After a long minute of silence I realized he hung up on me. I stared at my phone, dazed and completely shell-shocked until the bell rang and students started walking into class.

So Sunday had been lies? A last ditch attempt? If he had a lawyer, then he wanted a divorce.

He was going to make my life as difficult as possible, but the divorce was definitely happening.

With my mind spinning at a hundred miles per hour and my personal life in complete tatters, it was safe to say that the rest of the afternoon sucked.

Chapter Twelve

19. He’s purposefully making my life difficult.

A couple weeks passed, but the most progress made on my divorce was the delivery of papers. I’d contemplated for longer than I should whether to have them dropped off at Nick’s work. I had wanted to lash out against his refusal to make this easy.

If he wanted to play games, then public humiliation could go a long way.

But in the end I’d chickened out. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hurt him like that.

It seemed that no matter how difficult he made my life, I still cared about his feelings.

My lawyer thought these were particularly obnoxious obstacles, but there was nothing I could do about them. So he arranged to have the papers delivered to Nick’s attorney– who turned out to be one of the better divorce lawyers in the city.

I honestly didn’t know how Nick could afford his legal services. I had to scrimp, save and cut off my purse addiction to pay for mine. It wasn’t easy.

When we’d separated, our finances were frighteningly easy to divide. We closed our joint account at the bank and each set up our own. We both agreed to leave our meager savings alone for the time being and I trusted him not to touch it.

Besides, the amount was so insignificant that if he used every penny, I really wouldn’t have been that upset.

Although, I never would have told him that.

The only thing we still shared was our cell phone bill, which he’d offered to continue to pay for until our contract was up and we could go separate ways without paying astronomical fees.

I had been the breadwinner anyway and other than student loans, utilities and our mortgage, we didn’t have many other bills. Our parents had helped furnish our house and we’d accumulated our possessions slowly enough that there was nothing to pay off. He had his credit card, I had mine.

I had always paid the majority of our bills, so I got to keep the house. He moved out. It only seemed fair that I keep paying the mortgage and utilities.

It was a little depressing how easy our finances had been to split. At the time, I expected more of a struggle… more of a fight. But we’d dealt with everything as cleanly as we’d ended our marriage.

As I packed up my classroom for the day, I wondered how he could afford his legal help. It was seriously bothering me.

Where was the money coming from?

His parents?

No way. They had plenty of money, but he would never ask them.

At least I didn’t think he would.

Was he that desperate to screw me over in the divorce that he would go to his parents…?

I thought they liked me. Maybe our relationship had been strained and forced, but no more than their relationship with Nick. They’d never been close.

Nick had always been the wild rebel child that his successful parents couldn’t take seriously. And they had always been the part of his life he politely tolerated. I thought I had created some kind of peaceful bridge between them.

Apparently not.

Apparently, they hated me as much as Nick did.

Sure, I hadn’t heard from them once since Nick and I separated, but I didn’t think they wanted to take all of my earthly possessions and leave me out in the cold.

They had always been nice. Distant, but nice.

Apparently distant-but-nice meant they had been harboring some kind of intense hatred for me. At least they had something in common with Nick now.

Kate Carter, bringing families together since 2008.

You’re welcome.

If Nick was that desperate to ask his parents for money, then he really did want to make me suffer.

I dropped my coffee thermos on the floor as my entire world began to spin out of control. Nick couldn’t hate me this much.

Sure, we’d had a rocky marriage, but did I deserve this? Was I that terrible of a person?

“You dropped this.”

I nearly screamed at the intrusion. I snapped out of my internal breakdown and blinked Eli into focus.

“Oh, my god. You scared me.” My hand landed on my fluttering heart and I sucked in enough oxygen so my brain could process his sudden appearance.

He gave me a playful smile. “You’re kind of easy to sneak up on.”

Nick’s words bounced around in my head. You’re ridiculously easy to surprise.

Was I?

“Sorry,” I tried to smile. “I was lost in my head.”

Eli’s smile turned patient. “I gathered.”

He held out my coffee cup and I took it from him. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” He shifted on his feet while I tried to collect my wits. “So, uh, you looked a little panic stricken when I walked in. Is everything okay?”

I nodded without thinking.

“You sure? You’re a little pale. Do you want to sit down?”

I looked down at my desk self-consciously. It took me a few minutes to figure out what I wanted to say. I had trouble disentangling myself from my riotous thoughts. Finally, I lifted my gaze to bravely meet his and asked, “Am I a terrible person?”

Eli’s eyebrows lifted with surprise. “Are you serious?”

“Yes,” I whispered. “I just need to know if I’m a complete bitch. I can’t tell.”

“Well that should tell you something,” he said with no small amount of amusement.

“I’m serious. You can be honest with me. I can take it.”

“No,” he said quickly. For a second I thought he was refusing to answer my question until he put a gentle hand on mine and continued, “You’re not a terrible person. You’re definitely not a complete bitch. You’re none of those things. Why would you think otherwise?”

I felt better. Even if I didn’t entirely believe him, my vanity was appeased. “I was just thinking about this divorce,” I explained quietly. “Suddenly Nick is refusing to do this amicably. He’s threatened to make this as difficult as possible. I just… I wondered if he was maybe punishing me for how awful I was to him during our marriage.”

Eli’s raised eyebrows dropped and scrunched together over the bridge of his nose. “I thought you said this was a decision you came to together?”

“We did. At least I thought we did. His behavior has been… confusing.”

“Has he changed his mind?”

“What do you mean?”

Eli frowned. “Does he not want to get divorced anymore?”

I took a step back, feeling shaken up and unsteady. “Of course he wants the divorce.”

“Then why is he being difficult?” Eli’s question landed with all the gentleness of a tank running over me.

I shook my head helplessly, “I don’t know.”

He didn’t say anything else about Nick. There wasn’t really anything left to say.

“I’m sorry, Eli. I’ve been super self-absorbed since you walked in. Did you need something?”

He let out a nervous laugh and I immediately regretted how I’d phrased my question. He held my gaze though and asked, “I was wondering if you had plans tonight.”

“Tonight?” I sounded like an idiot repeating him, but it was a school night. And by that, I meant a normal Tuesday…

Seeming to read my thoughts, he grinned and said, “I won’t keep you out late. But I thought we could grab a cup of coffee?”

“Coffee?”

“Or a different beverage. I mean, you’re not limited strictly to coffee. We could go for a soda instead. Or iced tea. Water even, if none of those, uh, sound good.”

I realized that my parroting had made Eli nervous. And other than finding it completely adorable, it was not my intention to make him suffer. I laughed, hoping to diffuse the tension. “Actually, coffee sounds really good. I could use some caffeine.” And then because I was still an idiot and didn’t want him to think that the only reason I agreed to go out with him was because I was sleepy, I said, “It will be fun to spend some time with you!” And then because I wasn’t sure if this was a date or not and I apparently had an addiction to sticking my foot in my mouth, I didn’t stop talking and said, “We never get to hang out just the two of us!”

Oh, my god, somebody tackle me.

Stop talking.

Eli’s expression told me clearly he had no idea what to think of me anymore, but he gifted me with a gentle smile and nodded once. “Good.”

I put the last of my papers in my tote bag and fumbled around for my classroom keys in my purse. “Do you have a favorite spot?”

“Yes.” His smile came more naturally as I shut off the lights and we moved to the quiet hallway so I could lock the door behind me. “It’s not Starbucks though. Does that bother you?”

“What?” I shook my head at him. “There are other places that make coffee besides Starbucks? You’re lying.”

He laughed at my sarcasm. “I would not lie about something like this. I take my coffee very seriously.”

“Well, I’ve never been much of a commercial coffee drinker.” I waved my to-go cup in the air. “I bring it from home.”

“I’m glad we share the same philosophy,” Eli said seriously.

“I can’t lie, mine’s more about me being late every morning. I never have time to stop.”

He threw his head back and laughed while I admired the strong column of his throat. God, I needed this. I needed to breathe a little and forget about the insanity of my divorce.

His gaze found mine again and with a sweetness I didn’t think still existed in the male race, said, “Can I drive you? I’ll swing you back by the school to pick up your car.”

I paused for a second so I wouldn’t trip over my tongue. “Yes.”

We chatted about our days and the school year so far as we dropped off my bags at my car then walked to his. My heart started to beat triple time and I was feeling a little sweaty.

Eli and I had been friends for so long that I shouldn’t feel this nervous. I only half paid attention to the small talk during our short car ride because inside I couldn’t stop freaking out long enough to focus on any one thing.

The entire drive to the coffee shop, my stomach churned anxiously, my mouth dried out and my palms started to itch. I fidgeted in the high bench seat of his truck but tried desperately not to be obvious.

He had to think I was crazy already. I didn’t need to fuel his opinion of me.

Yet, he’d asked me out.

And that was the problem, wasn’t it?

I had a tendency to overthink everything. And so, during the few moments I wasn’t obsessing over my own miserable life and divorce, I had thought about Eli and whether anything would progress with us. I hadn’t really thought he’d ask me out so soon, but I knew there was chemistry between us. Kara had left enough hints that I had started to prepare myself mentally for the day that he would ask me out.

But I hadn’t expected it today.

I thought he’d wait until my divorce was finalized and I’d had a little more separation from my husband than six measly months. I thought we’d continue to build a relationship slowly, enjoying friendship first and then, in the future, in the far, distant future, we’d naturally fall into something romantic.

Maybe.

If I ever got over the trauma of seven years of bad luck, er, my marriage.

And yet, he’d asked me today. Today, when I realized, that in all likelihood, I would have to spend the next several months in mediation with my not-yet-ex-husband. Today when all I wanted to do was go home, put my feet up and pour a bottle of wine into a fishbowl and drink it with a straw.

Maybe I didn’t even need the fishbowl.

Maybe I would guzzle it straight from the bottle.

That sounded so much easier.

I was nothing if not practical.

“Are you listening?” Eli’s dark gaze cut to mine.

I ruined any semblance of interest I had when I stupidly asked, “Huh?”

He looked down at his oversized cup of coffee and smiled into the black depths. Eli had brought me to a rustic, mountain-cabin-esque coffee house that was cute in the I-just-shot-a-twelve-point-buck kind of way. He drank his coffee bitter, dark as midnight and endlessly. I liked milk and sugar. I liked fru-fru and beverages that didn’t give me heartburn. I wanted whipped cream. Lots of whipped cream. When I ordered my latte, the cashier looked at me like I’d just asked for liquid skunk. “You sure?” he said. As if I would reconsider my order and pick battery acid instead.

But in the end I did. I was too self-conscious to go through with it. “Just a regular coffee, then,” I mumbled. “And some milk.”

I shouldn’t be that hard on the place, though. Despite my rough introduction, Eli had led me to oversized leather chairs that I could squish back in and tuck my feet beneath me. Now that we were leaned in close in our respective chairs, chatting over warm coffee while a light rain pelted the gloomy October afternoon, I felt more relaxed about the place– even if my bitter beverage was melting my insides.

Except I ruined the potentially romantic moment by letting my mind drift.

“I’m sorry,” I told him honestly. “I just… I don’t have an excuse.”

I was too embarrassed to look at him, but I heard the forgiveness in his voice when he said, “Yes you do. You’ve got a lot going on.”

I lifted my gaze shyly. “I hate that I always make our conversations about me and my problems.”

“Don’t be sorry. I like talking about you.”

His words brought a fierce blush to my face, which I took as a good sign. See? I was interested in Eli. I liked his compliments. I liked his attention.

But then all of that was ruined when a rolling wave of nausea crashed through me and I thought I would be sick.

I swallowed back strong coffee and a hell of a lot of half-and-half and gave him a trembling smile. “Thank you for taking me out for coffee even if I’ve failed at conversation.”

He watched me for long moments. Something flashed in his eyes, dimming them slightly. I didn’t know him well enough to name every one of his emotions, but I was pretty sure this one could be called disappointment.

I nibbled on my lip self-consciously and tried to think of something to talk about.

“Has your school year improved?” he asked before I could say anything.

I threw myself into paying attention to him. “A little. I think the junior class is trying to get me to retire early. Really early. Possibly by Christmas break. But other than that it’s mostly battling freshman to remember everything they need for class and going to war with seniors who think they’re graduating tomorrow instead of in May.”

“Your year sounds a lot like mine,” he chuckled. “The juniors this year are something special.”

“You would think I knew what to expect since I’ve had them for the last two years. But they are pulling out all the stops this quarter. Actually, I have one class with both juniors and seniors that is truly a challenge. I had to break up a fight yesterday over some HBO show. I thought they were going to send each other to the hospital.”

“Who was it?”

“Jay Allen and Andre Gonzalez.” He nodded at me sympathetically. “If those two boys were able to combine their egos, I think they would usher in Armageddon. I’ve never had such egotistical maniacs in class at the same time before. It’s out of control.”

Eli let out a bark of laughter and leaned forward. His fingers brushed mine, but I had to be honest with myself and say I didn’t feel a single tingle or butterfly.

This was too soon for me.

That was abundantly clear.

“They really are something else,” he agreed. “If they both make it to graduation, it will be a miracle.”

That sobered me some. “I hope they do. Those two kids need high school diplomas. I don’t want to think of what their futures hold if they drop out.”

He canted his head and the corners of his lips drew down. “They might find a future like that anyway.”

I took a deep breath and pressed my lips together to keep from agreeing with him. This was the price we paid as teachers. It didn’t matter whether we worked in an inner-city school or a wealthy private one in the suburbs, we could invest everything we had in our students and they could still throw their lives away after graduation. We could give them every single thing in our educational arsenal, and they could still make poor decisions that ruined any chance of a successful future they had.

That was the problem with caring so deeply for the kids I taught. I wasn’t really responsible for them. I had no control over their lives or the decisions they made. I gave and gave and gave and then hoped and hoped and hoped they learned something from me.

Eli downed the rest of his coffee and set his cup down on the small table that sat between us. “Thanks for hanging out with me.”

I clutched my huge, gray mug with both hands. “Thanks for inviting me.”

We were silent an awkward beat too long when he said, “You’re not ready for this.”

My eyes snapped up and widened at him. “What?”

His voice pitched low and soft, “I, uh, I thought you might be, you know, ready for something. You’re not. That’s okay. Obviously it’s okay. I just read this wrong. I wanted to apologize.”

“No, it’s not that I’m not ready… Well, I wouldn’t say that I am ready. But I’m not… not ready. I just… I don’t know… What I’m trying to say is…” I stopped talking. That was getting neither of us anywhere. I took a deep breath and met his steady gaze again. “Okay, maybe I’m not ready.”

 He chuckled and I wanted to die, except that his eyes were twinkling again and his smile looked genuine. “You’re not ready, Kate. I’m sorry I pushed you.”

“If I’m honest, I didn’t know you were pushing me. I thought I was… you know… ready to move on.”

“It’s okay.” His hand landed on mine and he squeezed. “I had unrealistic expectations I suppose.”

“Was it that easy for you to move on? I mean, it’s only been six months. We were married for seven years. But I guess you were married for longer than that, huh?”

His warm eyes looked like melting chocolate when they filled with sympathy for me. “By the time Naomi and I separated both of us were more than ready to move on. We had spent so many years at each other’s throats and wishing for change, that when we finally walked away from each other, both of us found peace we hadn’t known in a very long time. I think that made moving on easier.”

“Oh.” My thoughts tumbled together. Hadn’t the same been true for Nick and me? Was it just me that was having such a hard time moving on?

“That doesn’t mean dating is easier than it was before. It’s definitely as bad as I remember.”

I smiled at him. “You still want to settle down with someone? Even after your first marriage?”

He didn’t hesitate, “Definitely. Naomi and I weren’t right for each other, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong for everyone or everyone’s wrong for me. There’s someone out there for me.”

“There is someone out there for you,” I told him honestly. “You’re a good guy, Eli. I’m sorry this didn’t work out.”

He cleared his throat and murmured thoughtfully, “Me too.”

I stood up after that. I didn’t know what else to say. Unlike Eli, I didn’t have the same perspective. My marriage wrecked me. I couldn’t do that to myself again. I didn’t want to.

The thought of going through that much pain again terrified me.

I was positive I wouldn’t survive it.

And frankly, I couldn’t hurt someone again like I’d hurt Nick.

Eli stood up too and his hand settled on my shoulder, but it was filled with nothing but friendly affection. At least on my part.

“I’ll take you back to school so you can get your car,” he offered.

“Thanks.”

We parted ways on good terms. I didn’t think there was enough interest on his part for him to be truly upset that I hadn’t wanted more. And honestly, I hadn’t known I didn’t want more with him until we went out.

Eli was all the things that I thought I wanted. He was thoughtful. He was attentive. He tried. But even after all of that, if I was truly honest with myself, he was everything that I wanted and still not what I wanted.

I drove home wondering if things would have been different if he’d given me more time or if I had been more willing to let go of the marriage I thought I couldn’t wait to get out of.

I wondered how long it would take for me to get over Nick. If I’d ever be ready to move on.

I wondered if I’d ever heal.

If I’d ever find myself again.