Текст книги "Masquerade"

Автор книги: Nyrae Dawn

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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

Chapter Twenty-Nine ~Bee~

I sit on one side of the clear glass, waiting. My leg’s bouncing and my heart’s jumping and I’ve gagged three times, so close to vomiting I’m still not sure I can hold it back.

But I’m here.

I’m not leaving.

My body goes numb when the door opens and they walk her in.

Melody.

That simply, my heart rate slows, happy memories I don’t know if I have a right to feel creating pictures in my mind. Baking cookies, looking at stars, burned dinners, and laughs. They morph into pictures of Mom. Of her trying to do the same kinds of things with me, but my heart fighting the happiness just out of reach.

It doesn’t make sense—my feelings for either of them. It’s not that I don’t love my parents; it’s that I don’t know how.

Melody’s green eyes are teary when she sits down. Her red hair shorter and tied into a little ponytail in the back.

She picks up the phone, so I do the same. “Coral. I can’t believe you’re here. It’s so good to see you.”

“My name is not Coral.” She flinches as though my words are a slap to the face. The anger in them surprises even me.

“You’re right. Leila. I’m sorry.”

That makes me laugh. Melody’s eyes crease in confusion as she looks at me, making more of the past flicker in, turning my feelings into a tornado of sadness and anger. “Funny you should call me that because I’m not Leila anymore either. You took that away from me. Did you know that?” My eyes dart down because it’s hard to look at her, but then I focus on what I came to do and tilt my head up again.

The phone in her hand shakes but she doesn’t hang it up. She sits there, listening, waiting. That’s one thing she has in common with my real mom. They’re both strong.

“I never thought I would come here. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if it was because I was scared of hating you more or not hating you enough.”

Melody nods, her face wet with tears.

“My mom and dad, did you know they tried to call me Coral at first because they thought it would be easier on me? Because I didn’t know how to be Leila and all they wanted was to find a way for me to be happy. Then… then I felt guilty, guilty because they kept my room the same and had pictures of me all over their house. They missed Leila and they thought she came home but I was Coral instead.”

Wetness rolls down my face. I’m crying. God, I’m crying and I didn’t even know it.

“So I told them to call me Leila. I tried, tried so damn hard to be the girl they lost but I never could. They did game nights instead of movie nights like we did. We went together somewhere as a family once a month. Mom never, ever got so busy she forgot to cook dinner and at first I hated her for it. Hated her for not being like you, for not being who I was used to.”

Now that the words are flowing, I can’t stop them. My brain and mouth are working together without me having the ability to stop them. I hate that my words hurt Melody but I need to evict them from me if I ever want to be free. And as much as it pains me, she hurt me too. She needs to know that.

“For years it went that way. Hell, it still is. I’m fucking trapped in between two lives, neither of which are mine and both adding this weight to my chest because in some ways they both feel wrong and they both feel right.”

“Cor—Leila. I’m sorry. I can never tell you how sorry I am but I wanted… the moment I saw you I fell in love. We loved you so much.”

“Love?” There’s that word again. The one that makes people hurt and still it threatens to take over my heart. “I used to believe you. I wanted to but now I don’t know. You didn’t know me when you stole me. How could you have loved me?”

She wipes her eyes. “We wanted a daughter. Wanted someone to love so much. I couldn’t have babies and with both mine and Rex’s past, we couldn’t adopt.”

“I get that and I’m sorry, but I wasn’t yours. That didn’t give you the right to take me. To hurt my family and ruin my life… in the name of what? Wanting a baby? If that’s what love is, screw that. I don’t want anything to do with it.”

Her voice rises. “Don’t you think I know it was wrong? That there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish we’d made a different decision? I will never forgive myself for what we did to you and your family but I also don’t go a day without hurting because we lost you too. No matter what you believe, we loved you.”

My grip on the phone loosens, and it almost falls free. My eyes flitter, trying to rid themselves of the tears. “I loved you too…”

This time it’s me who wipes my eyes. Fear lodges in my throat, trying to keep me from talking. I force the words around it. I’m here and I’m doing this no matter what.

“I remember… I don’t know how I forgot, how I could have thought you guys explained to me that my parents had died and I didn’t realize that hurt but I hadn’t. I remember now. I remember the pain of losing them. The memories of being grabbed keep resurfacing. I cried for them, for my family, and you guys let me believe they were dead… in the name of love.

“And eventually I moved on. I had you and Rex and I loved you guys and you loved me but then they found me and I lost you too. My family was back, only now I cried tears for you. My parents didn’t have a choice in their loss and neither did I. I’m still fucking losing because I’m scared—scared to love them because I don’t want to lose someone again. Scared I’m not worthy of them because I’m not Leila anymore. Because I don’t know how to love them like I don’t know how to love… What is it to love?” Maddox.

“Sweetie—”

“Don’t. Don’t you dare call me that. It’s not fair.” I push to my feet, ready to leave.

“They love you. It doesn’t matter if you’re Coral or Leila. They love you.” Her words make me pause, still holding the phone to my ear. “They always loved you. We… we watched them. They brought you to the park almost every day. They loved you so much, and that makes what we did even worse. Don’t be afraid to let them love you. Don’t be afraid to return their feelings. What we did… God, I loved you, too, but what we did, that isn’t what love is. Don’t ever think that. Love is support. It’s doing your best to take care of people instead of hurting them. It doesn’t mean you’re perfect. It means doing everything you can to be there for the ones you love. Wanting what’s best for them and loving them for who they are too. That’s how your parents feel about you, Leila. And I know that you feel that way about them too.”

My hand is shaking so bad I have to squeeze the phone tighter. Her words unlock my heart. No, I wasn’t Leila anymore but that never stopped them from loving me. They don’t understand my tattoos yet they still helped me start Masquerade. We don’t always see things the same way, but I have no doubts in my mind that they want me happy. Still, is being Bee enough?

“You fell in love, didn’t you?” Melody’s voice is soft in my ear.

“Yes.” The word comes out automatically. A part of me wants her to know it before I say good-bye.

And he accepts who I am and tries to be there for me too. I know to the marrow of my bones he would be there for me with this. He’s tried. All I do is push him away. “I don’t know if I can love him the way he deserves.” One more time, I look at her. “I can’t forgive you for taking me but… I don’t hate you either.”

She gives me a sad smile.

“Good-bye.” After hanging up the phone, I walk out of the room.

* * *

The house I lived in with Melody and Rex is empty. I don’t know anything other than that, which means at any moment, someone could find me here. It doesn’t matter.

I’m wrapped up tight in a sweatshirt and jacket as I sit in the backyard, waiting for the stars. Actually, I don’t even think it’s for them I’m waiting on, but for answers.

Somehow I thought telling Melody how I feel—by getting a good-bye—I would magically change. That didn’t happen.

It’s late afternoon, probably an hour or so before dusk. Mom’s called but I ignore it like I do pretty much anything important in my life.

My eyes dart to the side of the house when I hear the gate open. I don’t try to move. What’s the point? Whoever comes through will see me and know I’m not supposed to be here, and I’ll deal with it.

“Bee?” A cocktail of excitement and fear shoots through me at the sound of Maddox’s voice, right before he steps around the side of the small house. “Hey…”

“How…?” It doesn’t even occur to me to be mad. He had to have talked to my parents or something to find out enough about me to think to look here. Instead of that anger, the tenseness in me releases and my heart slows.

“You’re going to be pissed.” He smirks but it’s obviously an effort.

“Tell me anyway.”

“I looked in your desk… I found the articles, did some more detective work that led me here, and people in town are quick to answer questions. Finding the house was the easy part.”

I feel a moment of panic and shame at the thought of him reading about my past, but I’m so numb that it fizzles away.

He kneels in front of me and I wish like hell he would touch me.

“Why didn’t you tell me, baby?”

My chest swells at the endearment. It’s not something I ever would have thought I’d like—to be called baby. “It’s not usually my conversation starter, Scratch.”

He frowns. “And that’s still where we are? We haven’t moved forward at all since we met?”

There’s a pain in Maddox’s voice I’ve never heard directed toward me before. “You know that’s not true. You’re…” Everything. “You know I suck at this.” He still hasn’t shaved and I wish I could rub the dark stubble on his face.

“You know that’s a bullshit excuse. I don’t know how to do this either.”

This time I can’t stop myself from touching him. I haven’t been able to since we first met and I don’t think I want to. “You do, Maddox… You might not know it but you’re good at it.”

Maddox sits next to me in the middle of the lawn. “If I was good at it, I wouldn’t have told you to leave. I would have told you I loved you and if you weren’t ready to say it back, I would have supported you and been there for you. Probably would have fucked up a few times but I would have been there until you were able to trust me.”

This is how you love. Right here, what he’s doing.

It’s probably the wrong thing to do, most girls probably wouldn’t, but I need to be close to him, so I crawl forward and climb into Maddox’s lap. Facing him, I straddle his lap and touch his hair to make sure he’s really here.

The things he said I never would have imagined hearing coming out of his mouth and they were scary, but somehow that fear is eclipsed by their beauty. “I trust you probably more than I have anyone in my life. I… That’s why I came here. I thought maybe if I understood how they felt or why they took me, I could…”

When my words trail off, Maddox speaks. “I talked to Adrian. I told him about Ash. He’s telling Laney. I would have. I needed to go, though. I had to be here—”

“Oh my God.” I try to push off him. He holds me instead. “You shouldn’t be here. I’m so sorry. How could I have forgotten? Your mom. You need to be with your sister. You shouldn’t have followed me all the way to Kansas.”

Maddox shakes his head, holding me tight. “I needed to do something for me.”

A tear slips out of my eye. “You came here.”

“Because I need you.”

I have never wanted to swoon over a guy before. I never thought that was me. There have been hot guys and I’ve screwed around with them or admired them but that’s all. Maddox is so much more than that. His words burn me alive and make me melt at the same time. They fill me when I’ve made myself empty for so long.

“I’m scared.”

He pushes my hair behind my ear. “I am too.”

“I’ve lost so much. I lost my parents, my sister, and then Rex and Melody.” In this moment, I’m glad he read the articles… glad he knows everything. Still, there’s a part of me that wants to be the one to tell him.

“I was so scared to love them when I went back home. I didn’t know how to be who they expected me to be and felt guilty for it at the same time. They love me and I hurt them. Rex and Melody claimed to love me but they hurt me. What if… I don’t want to lose you too.”

“My dad hurt all of us. I hurt Mom and Mom hurt us. I think… that’s life, baby. It doesn’t come with a guarantee. Just know I’m not walking away from you. I’ve never wanted anything in my life enough to actually fight for it. I’ve folded and given up but I’ll be damned if I give up my fight for you.”

Wrapping my arms around him, I cry into Maddox’s neck. I hold him so tightly that I fear I’m hurting him before I realize nothing can hurt him. Not really. He’s strong and he’ll keep going and he makes me want to do the same. Like him, I realize I’ve never really fought for much. I’ve spent my life like I’m living some kind of masquerade. I became Bee instead of fighting to be Leila. I didn’t accept my parents’ love so I wouldn’t lose it and I clung to Rex and Melody because I knew I could never really have it. They were in prison so it wasn’t like I could really have their love; therefore, I wouldn’t have the pain of losing it.

Melody and Rex love me. I don’t doubt that and… I know my parents do too. I’m tired of holding back, so I don’t show them the same.

“We’ll fight together. We’ll learn how to do this together. I love you, too, Maddox. You made your mark on me that first night I met you and it hasn’t gone away.”

“You mean it wasn’t my mad tattooing skills?” This time when he smiles, it’s real.

“No.”

A serious look crosses his face again. “You don’t need to be anyone other than who you are. Not for me.”

I drop my forehead to his. He’s never wanted me to be anyone else. He never pushed even when he should have. “I know… Thank you. I love who you are. I love who we are together.” And I want more. I want it all. I want my life back. “I want you to go home with me. I have to fix things with my family. I’d like you to meet them. If it’s too much—”

“It’s not.”

At that, I smile. “I need to start over. I think…” When I look at him, I know. “The only way to find myself is doing it with the people I love.”

“You’re you. The name you go by doesn’t matter.”

And I know he’s right. I also know he needs to fight some of his demons and I want nothing more than to be by his side. “You need to go home, too, Maddox. You have things to work out with your sister and—”

“I need to say good-bye to my mom.”

The look in his eyes tells me there’s more he needs to say to her than that. He needs to make amends, even if it’s with a ghost.

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“I need you to go with me. Just like I need to go with you to see your family.” With that, Maddox’s lips come down on mine. It’s an urgent, needy kiss. My hands go into his hair and his go under my sweatshirt to rest on my waist. The kiss is wild and passionate, and a mixture of so many emotions just like love is. It’s raw, all of us open for hurt when we chose to let love in. But open for beauty too. A tattoo on your heart with the colors and images of who each of us really is. Emotional art.

We’re not perfect, though none of us are. We’re works in progress and what matters is we’re moving forward and we’re doing it together. In love.

Epilogue

~Maddox~

July, eight months later

“We’re putting all the food and shit on that table on the right.” I point the caterer to the corner, as Laney smacks my arm.

“Food and shit?” Laney asks as I shake my head before looking over at Leila, who smiles and winks at me.

It was about two months after Mom died that she told me she wanted to start going by her real name. I’d seen it coming before that. The more time we spent with her family, the more comfortable she became with them. The more she wanted to fight for her life back.

“Remember how I told you it felt good to be Bee because I chose it? She was who I wanted to be?”

“Yeah.” I kissed her neck as we’d lain in bed, then kept traveling down. I’d gotten to her stomach before she continued.

“It feels even better to tell you I’m choosing to be Leila again.”

I’d stopped, kept my lips to her skin before I looked up at her. “It’s a sexy fucking name.”

That had been the end of the conversation and she’d been Leila ever since. Leila who is still a tattoo artist and is learning to ride a motorcycle and is the same person I’ve always known. It’s not that none of us ever slips up and calls her Bee, but it’s like a nickname now.

I wrap my hand around the back of her neck and pull her to me. She comes easily, her arms going around my waist as she looks up at me.

“Is it bad to say shit in front of a caterer?” In the background, I hear my sister chuckle before walking away.

“Fuck if I know.” Leila pushes up on her toes to kiss me.

For a second I let myself forget we’re in a room full of people. That Laney, Adrian, Colt, and Cheyenne are lurking around somewhere. That Leila’s parents and sister are all huddled around Leila’s portfolio on the desk. Cheyenne’s family, an aunt and an uncle, are here somewhere and Adrian’s sister too. Hell, even Trevor, Tyler, and a few other people from Lunar are here, though I had my last day a couple weeks ago. Definitely won’t have time to run security for them while I’m working full-time at our new shop.

Mine and Leila’s. Masquerade hadn’t been big enough for us to both have our own workstation plus… that’s not really our lives anymore, living like we’re in some masquerade, hiding behind our hardened exteriors. We both wanted a clean slate.

“That’s why I love you so much. You don’t care about my mouth.”

“Oh, I care about your mouth very much, just what you do with it, not how dirty it is.”

I laugh as Colt and Cheyenne step up. “Let’s not talk about mouths because Colt has the dirtiest.” Chey twists the engagement ring on her finger and grins at him.

Colt shrugs. “It was good enough to make you mine.”

He’d proposed on his mom’s birthday. They’re taking their time, though, finishing school first from what Leila said. Hanging out with him and Adrian more, I heard about how he lost his mom and how important she was to him. It’s crazy because it helped me make peace with my own mom’s memory. Colt would have done anything for his mom and it made me wish I would have fought harder to help save mine… or maybe not save her, only make sure she knew she wasn’t alone. Who knows, maybe it would have helped. Maybe not. I try not to dwell on it.

Everyone laughs, making me notice that my sister and Adrian stepped back up.

“When you open the doors, I was thinking you could do a piece for me,” Adrian says. Today we’re having a pre-celebration or some shit. Leila’s mom planned it. She likes doing stuff like that and Leila actually had fun helping her.

“Hell yeah. What do you want?”

Adrian pauses for a second, his eyes hitting mine. Laney wraps her arm through his and I notice he relaxes into her a little, letting her support him. “Ash.”

The five of us all stare at him.

My body stiffens. “You’re not talking a name here, are you?” Faces are hard as hell, but I know that’s what he wants.

He shakes his head.

“It would be an honor, man. I’d love to do it for you, but it should be Leila. She has more experience and I can’t fuck something like that up.”

“You won’t. We’ll talk later.”

Christ he’s a good fucking guy. I’m so lucky my sister has him. Honored to call him my brother even though there’s no ring on Laney’s finger yet. I know one day there will be and even without it, he would be a brother to me. “We’ll talk.”

There’s a chiming sound and without looking, I know it’s Leila’s mom. Everyone quiets and we look over at her as she stands by the desk. “I know everyone isn’t here yet and we’re not officially starting but I wanted to take a minute to…” She pauses before her eyes land on my girlfriend. “Leila, come over here for a second.”

She doesn’t hesitate to go and then her mom looks at me. “You, too, Maddox.” Since the first day I’ve met them, they’ve treated me like family. They’ve showed us both love.

Leila and I stand on each side of her before she continues talking. “I wanted to thank you guys for coming to Leila and Maddox’s pre-opening. This shop isn’t only important to my kids.”

My stomach bottoms out as I look at her, and she smiles. “Both of my kids.”

A breath leaves my lungs. I’ve lost both my parents—one to death and one I can’t find it in myself to forgive. I’ve gained so much, though. It’s fucked up but it’s at this moment I realize everything is good. We’re all going to be good. I have regrets with my mom and I wish things had been different. But I’ll be okay. Leila has her family, who she loves. Things aren’t perfect with them, but they work hard to understand each other and they love each other regardless.

She has me too. Always, like I have her. Laney and Adrian have each other and Colt and Cheyenne… and I wonder. I’ve never in my life thought of shit like this but I can’t help but wonder if Colt’s mom, Cheyenne’s mom, and mine aren’t sitting up there somewhere, taking care of a little boy with Adrian’s eyes and looking down at us.

Leila looks at me and smiles before she grabs her mom’s hand, and I take the other.

“Reality Tattoo is important to all of us. It’s brought so many of us together. My daughter is so talented and I love that she can share her art with the world and with Maddox.”

Everyone claps and I smile, feeling like I never thought I would.

“I think it’s time to crack a bottle of wine!” Leila’s mom says.

“Or beer!” Leila adds, because I’m pretty sure most of us will be drinking that.

Everyone starts moving, grabbing what they want and going for the food but instead I go for Leila. She’s what I want. Her arms wrap around my neck; her hands thread through my hair as I tighten my fingers around her hips.

“Reality Tattoo. I like the sound of that… and the fact that it’s ours.”

“I love you. Even without this place, I’d have everything I want, because I have you.”

She grins. “Mmm. You make me want you when you talk sweet like that.” Her face goes serious now. “I love you too. You taught me love is worth it. I can’t wait to keep showing you how much of it I have for you.”

For the first time in so long I have a future to look forward to. One that I will fight like hell for, no matter what because that’s what you have to do in life.

Reality. It’s not living a lie like so many of the people we know have done. It’s not treating life like a game of charades or living behind any type of façade. Life is fucked up, it hurts, and it’s not always pretty, but damned if it can’t be beautiful too.